Swirling by Christelyn Karazin

The art of attraction isn't just about colour or creed, it's about chemistry and a whole bunch of other things. Swirling author Christelyn Karazon discusses.

Yes, Black Women DO Benefit from Interracial Dating and Marriage!

Posted by Christelyn, 30 Jul 13

because black American women are regularly discouraged from dating interracially, particularly dating white men.

Black women who express such interest might be scoffed at and ridiculed, told that their behavior is somehow betraying their race, and that the our female slave ancestors who had been raped by their masters would flip in their graves to see such a thing. In my work, I have even heard people say that black women who date white men suffer from mental disease, and that if they perceived a shortage in black men, then perhaps they should consider visiting and getting to know men in prison. Prison!! Others won’t go so far, but will insist that black women go through every available black man they know, pursue every possible angle to meet one and mate with one before they should ever consider dating out. With all of that guilt and restrictions it’s no wonder many of my girlfriends regarded my marriage with such fascination.

What struck me as most disturbing was that these “concerned individuals” didn’t seem to put much criteria upon the character of the black man, simply that he should be black was sufficient. Somehow melanin content superseded any other tangible qualities like intelligence, education, career aspirations, or the ability to provide and protect a wife and family. Educated and successful black women are regularly told that their standards are too high, and that their degrees won’t keep them warm at night. We see movies depicting high-powered women encouraged to pair up with mechanics, day laborers and misunderstood felons. The message in those stories is that if black women dig deep and not be so prissy about it, they just might find that “good black man” with a heart of gold, if not a bit poor and non-degreed. Ironically, black men on the same level of education and money-making potential as black women often do not limit themselves to coupling within their race. They happily entertain all their options, and marry interracially twice as often as black women do.

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

I saw so many of my fellow African American sisters truly desiring committed partners in marriage and intact homes for their children, despite the astronomical reality that 72% of black American children are born out of wedlock. For a variety of reasons, “our men” weren’t marrying us like they used to and the problem has now become entrenched and normalized in our culture. But what about the women who want marriage before family like most women of other races? Should they search under every rock, crevice, university, and (God forbid) jail to find their black man so that everyone else will be happy? I don’t think so. There might be a shortage of black, marriageable men, but once black women open their dating pool to include all men, all of a sudden that shortage becomes a surplus. It is a simple message, but it needed to be said explicitly because some black women feel like they need permission to swirl. That was how “Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate, Mixing Race, Culture and Creed” was born. Both of us seasoned writers, my co-author, Janice Roshalle Littlejohn and I went to work  writing the first handbook on how to navigate the ups and downs and ins and outs of interracial relationships from a black woman’s perspective.

Then the letters rolled in…dozens of black women writing about how my story and the other stories in “Swirling”  and on my blog, Beyond Black & White, inspired them to take the risk and find their happy-ever-after in whatever package it came in. Here’s one of them:

I LOVE your blog. I remember when I stumbled across it & it was so awesome to finally find a community of like-minded women! I just got engaged to my boyfriend, Henry, on Saturday after my birthday dinner. We met in medical school at Brown and we’re currently doing our residencies (I’m in Boston doing internal medicine & he’s in Philadelphia doing emergency medicine). I’ll be moving to Philly in June to join him! Your blog is wonderful because it doesn’t mince words — we black women are just as beautiful & deserving of being treated like queens as any other women. I’ve heard it all, that I’m uppity and don’t know my place because I’m not interested in DBR brothas hollering at me on the street. I know my worth, and I love that your blog empowers women to embrace their options and choose the best for themselves. Anyway, I know you sometimes post when people get engaged, and I was hoping you’d consider sharing our story. Keep fighting the good fight!!

Sincerely,

“A”

If there is a key benefit for interracial marriage for black women, I would have to say it would be in having a certain level of empowerment knowing that you have a tremendous bounty of choices for quality men. With proper vetting and living and breathing the mantra “character above color,” every black woman can find her prince in whatever shade of melanin that may be.

47 responses to "Yes, Black Women DO Benefit from Interracial Dating and Marriage!"

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  1.   herdi says:
    Posted: 23 Apr

    Being a beautiful black woman I love men of all races my children are born of a strong black man reading some of the comments make me sad. I as I think all people date for love I married a white man do to the fact that we love each other. And before I did I told my ex yes a wonderful black man that I married my now husband ( yes he knows he's white ) and his reply he better not hurt you or the children a typical response from a man that once loved you. No matter the color I feel we love who we do and accept it no matter what.

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  2.   Gypsy22015 says:
    Posted: 16 Jan

    I enjoy dating respectable and lovable Caucasian men. Read what I posted under Robert D. and his black wife about whether are not older black women are resistant to an interracial relationship. NO WAY. Similar to this above info I just read. I agree with the writing. We were ridiculed back in the day about loving or thinking about dating a white guy. I slipped out with him anyway but my parents were totally against a marriage. I lost him back then because of them.

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  3.   ml85 says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 14

    Me as a black man that don't fit the stereotype, and nothing negative comes out of my mouth when it comes to black women, it all positive!!! reading these comments, this is a big SLAP IN THE FACE!!!!!!!

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  4.   ml85 says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 14

    This is sad there is no love between us blacks at all this is pretty Damn sad!!!!! So I guess all black men is the stereotype!!! SMH!!! I guess my the women in my family was right no matter what a black man do, the first thing a person thinks of him is all negative, don't matter if you don't fit the stereotype, as a black man its all negative. Not one of you sistas said one thing positive. One thing I can't with majority of black men and black women, everytime something goes wrong, you always run to white people.

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  5.   AnneMarie01 says:
    Posted: 09 Mar 14

    There are pro and cons with every person no matter the race. However, what bothers me most, is that (from my personal experience), I was not thin enough, or fair enough, or whatever to black men. However, once I met and married my white husband, black men started coming out of the woodwork. I even had one guy I had dated tell me "Well, I did not know you dropped me for him! If I'd known that, I would have turned on my Black charms!" Hello? What? I dropped you because I enjoyed attending plays, going to the symphony, the ballet, and the opera, and YOU did not! You Black men don't like having the tables turned on you. I love it that White men have recognized and now have the courage to approach Black women and recognize us for what we have to offer! White men as just as loving, sexual, and compassionate as Black men can be. It's just that Black women don't have to be desperate and take whatever Black man comes along anymore...our pond just got larger, and thank God!!!

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    • blackbelle01 says:
      Posted: 13 Oct 15

      You are so right about what you said. I am thin and don't have the traditional Black girl shape. I have large breast and a small but and I have always attracted WM.

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  6.   Kashe says:
    Posted: 25 Sep 13

    Black women are queens thank you for the blog

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  7.   Gladiator8 says:
    Posted: 09 Sep 13

    Sorry for the typos.....doing this on my tablet is harder then expected.

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  8.   Gladiator8 says:
    Posted: 09 Sep 13

    I am a well adjusted black man that married a black woman and now date wonderful woman that happens to be white. I have to chime in on this post and the replies. There is a tone in it that bothers me. Yes people should date whoever they like and not be judged because of it. If you want to draw your line at educational lever, job, or whatever good for for you. I have no problem with that. But I know you didn't mean to bash black men but as a black man I do take offense to some of the post. Not only are black women pointing out problems with SOME black men. now we have white men and others doing the same. My siestas look at it this way. don't you hate it when SOME black men say things like....I DONT DATE BLACK WOMEN BECAUSE.... ( they want too much, are too demanding, have attitudes, want my money, and the list goes on) . I don't know about you but that irks me when I hear that. And I always stand up for black women. Not because all the women in my family are BLACK as well as my two daughters. I do it because it's right. People are people some good some bad. We all kiss frogs, but move on until we find the one that is right for us. So you can love who you want to love. But you don't have to justify it by tearing down BLACK MEN. I am sure there are some white men that do the horrible things that y'all seem to hold only black men guilty for. In simpler terms....don't you as black women/ people hate to be judged by the worse of our race ? Well think about that next time you see a black man. He may not be your type or the man for you. but chances are he's a good guy. No matter if he's the one for you or not. Ok I'm done...time to get off my soap box.

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    • reese says:
      Posted: 22 Nov 13

      I hear what you are saying, but we grin and bare it. We have had black men doing this for years, making youtube videos and even non white women do it. Even thou we have lower divorce rates than these white women with white men and black men respectively. I don't try to tell them how to keep there men. I don't think they are saying they don't date black men because of this, but they are looking for men who fit a criteria which is more than our black male counterparts say.

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    • Happify says:
      Posted: 08 Feb 14

      The black man has bashed the black woman for many years. THEY have stood on their soap boxes crying about how mistreated they are by black women, white men and the world. NOW the tables are turning they are the first take a swing at black women in an effort to force us back in what they perceived as OUR place. WE the black woman would be foolish to stay in a position that lowers our self esteem and damages OUR children. The black male has failed to be the leader, provider and protector of his family.. WE have seen the white man do this so we now can step down and allow him to do it for us also.

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    • ladybarb says:
      Posted: 16 May

      I hear what you are saying Gladiator8, but the truth is, in general, Black men do not treat Black women with respect, and love. You would be surprised at the huge difference in the conversation and respect that men from other cultures and races give Black women. Most Black men do not treat us as a treasure but, others do. It's a sad fact.

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  9.   Catherine says:
    Posted: 23 Aug 13

    Thanks for posting this. I'm a well educated black woman who is dating interracially, and enjoying it. I'm at ease with my decision. I hope that black women stop limiting their potential for a life parter by confining themselves only to the black race. It shouldn't be. Good article!

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  10. Posted: 19 Aug 13

    i must say that why is that nobody says anything about black men dating white women. but when a white man dates a black woman. people have something to say about it. well i'm going to say love don't see color and you can't help who you fall in love with. i love being with black women they are more loyal then white women.

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  11. Posted: 14 Aug 13

    What's going be my offence if I say I dislike some comments made by some here,.I really think comments shouldn't be made on topics like this...Sucks..I think Relationships Shouldn't Be Based On Benefits,.Well these comments are slaps on faces "African American men",Really the baby daddy issue is too much,I see in movies,black men bragging about going to jail..LOL its funny,cus here prisons are like hell,maybe african americans will have a change if they stop feeding them good foods in prisons,stop them from gyming and playing basket ball..I call that 'Enclosed palace'..But really I don't think its that bad,there are good black men in America,I think ! The truth is any man can be stupid,if you think getting married to a mechanic after your masters degree means degrading your status then you are wrong,its not about benefits,.it boils down to Love,care and understanding,that's what we all should be looking for,if that's the benefits fine..we should pray for the best..So a white or black man,educated or uneducated,doesn't matter as long as there is Love and understanding...

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  12.   Regina54 says:
    Posted: 09 Aug 13

    Now I would have to agree with v1ktor and you get to age that you really just don't care what people say its just how this relationship makes you feel. A movie where White men treat you well should be, "The Bodyguard" w/Kevin Costner and also "Something New" (which states what all of you are saying). Also it boils down to who you get along with. Now I will say my 1st husband was black and did treat me like a lady and we both went to the same college and we are still friends. I think once you go to college you want someone on your same level. But dealing with White men I will say even the one who has been the poorest would take a sister to a place and pay for dinner where the brother just wanted some water. That told me right now that the brothers here in TN. think we sisters have to put up with the BS know sir. We will find another man if need be. I'm single now but looking for my White, Latin or whatever to be my last man to marry before I go 6 feet under. And I'm not as young as you ladies out there but I can still catch.

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  13.   gladooo says:
    Posted: 09 Aug 13

    yep,a dog will always be a dog, regardless of the age,sex or race . It takes the mighty hand of God for one to identify and be with the right partner! It's not easy but ooh yes ,it is possible.....Best Regards all

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    • CutePetite58 says:
      Posted: 23 Aug 13

      Thank you! Well said. We need God's help to find the right partner. That's what I'm doing now...praying.

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  14. Posted: 05 Aug 13

    I agree slightly because I dated white guys in the past and they have always respected me. The only problem with some white men is that they play games with black women and get angry when you want to go at your own pace and not have sex right away. There are still some good white men out there, and the rest are just players.

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    • Sheri says:
      Posted: 05 Aug 13

      It depends on the woman. If you come across as easy then a man looking for an easy lay will surely go after that. I have never had that issue at all. I have only been shown extreme respect. When around white men they make me feel like a queen. They would do anything for me.

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    • Silverelite says:
      Posted: 13 Aug 13

      Um I'm pretty sure men try to do that with all woman!!! Just saying -SILVER

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      • DarkHoney1 says:
        Posted: 01 Oct 13

        Well said Silver...men will be men irrespective of the colour of their skin. Whilst I have a very high moral compass, I think one should worry if the guy doesn't want to go there...just saying

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      • rosej8 says:
        Posted: 10 Feb

        yes but "white" men tend tol do that with most black women only, ive never been through it because i dont fall for that shit. im not going to be anyone experience but most white guys dont know how to treat a black women.

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  15.   v1ktor says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 13

    Ive been dating black women for the past 7 years almost exclusively, now I only date black women. It's true, back then we would get dirty looks and people starring at us as we held hands and walked together in public. That only encouraged me to hold her closer and do more PDA to show them I didn't give a flying f***k what they thought. Now it's a lot more common to see black women with white men, but you still get black men and sometimes even white women that get uptight about it. I've heard comments such as "so you like them black?" or "why you're with a white boy?" people who get uptight about their race dating another race are the people who are ignorant and have nothing going for themselves, and exactly why some black women start dating white men. I usually ask, out of curiosity, why she likes and dates white men. One of the most common answers I get is that white men respect and treat them right. Everyone has their own opinion, and this is not the case 100% of the time. Every race has good men and bad men, ignorance and lack of manners are blind to color. On the white side, there are many men who are curious to be with a black woman and/or satisfy a fetish, this is where many black women get hurt by white men. They are not serious about a relationship, they just want a quick hook up. That's why black women should exercise as much filtering with white men as they would with black and other men. A**holes are a**holes regardless of race.

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    • sylviakhalan says:
      Posted: 05 Aug 13

      Wow! Said so truly!!!

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    • Catherine says:
      Posted: 23 Aug 13

      I enjoyed reading V1ktor's comments from a white man's perspective. He was candid about the wrong motives some white men have for dating black women. It was surpisingly an eye opener for me,, since I'm so trusting easily. I will heed your advice and be careful. Thanks for a very good reply to this article.

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      • Alchemy73 says:
        Posted: 29 Apr 14

        I applaud V1ctor's comments as well. He's right, Catherine! Be careful not to allow ANY man to try and take advantage of your kindness and your trust! We Black women have to be very careful not to let ANY man take advantage of us! I say that because (at least in my experience), myself and the Black women in my family and inner circle tend to be very loving, educated, articulate, creative, cool, faithful and giving women. Kickass women who ANY man would be proud to call their own. And I know that many others are too. But men are still men! I've dated/married interracially my WHOLE life, and in the last several years I have been hurt by enough non-black men who only wanted my Good Stuff! Steve Harvey is right in that we must make them earn The Cookie! And Christelyn is absolutely right about putting forth the status that we are High Value Women from the start! And also hold to those standards. I know that my love will be just perfect for the heart who is made to love me as I am. I wouldn't rule out an AA man at this point, but I am seriously attracted to Mediterranean/Latino/Jewish types (olive skin, dark hair, dark or green eyes). I just think that it's hard wired in some of us to be attracted to ' the other' - someone opposite looking from ourselves. But that's just me. Love is love, and what's inside is always more important than what is outside. There is ONLY one race, the Human Race! Best wishes to all in what they seek. Just be honest with your intentions and you'll be fine. Namaste.

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  16.   Lotus616 says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 13

    I really like the fact that Black women are considering other races and nationalities as dating/ husbands options. We all belong to the HUMAN RACE, therefore we should not limit ourselves. Thank you for this timely and encouraging blog!

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    • Jesterguy says:
      Posted: 11 Aug 13

      Especially since we are ALL Africans since thats the Cradle of Civilization from where all our ancestry is derived. I happen to just be a "white" African because my most recent ancestors happen to have moved North and lost melanin to acclimate to decreased sunlight and the need to ensure production of Vitamin D . In Equatorial regions, increased melanin prevents Vitamin D but it has the benefit of UV protection and they still get the basic amount of Vitamin D since there is simply so much direct sunlight all the time. (Heh, can you tell I am a science geek?)

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  17.   Moimoi says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 13

    Clearly the black British experience is different to that of my US sisters. Most of us have been dating white men exclusively for decades. In my case I have only ever dated white men because that is my preference. For me it is simply what I find attractive in a man but also the type of hobbies and interests I have which are typically shared by white men as well as the all important education levels. As a degree and masters holder I want my academic equivalent at least and it is a sad fact that very few of the current generation of black British men went to university. Most are not aspirational although there are fortunately a queue of white women happy to oblige them so ultimately everyone is happy!

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    • sylviakhalan says:
      Posted: 05 Aug 13

      Well, your last statement is happening here in the U.S.of A. as well. The white women are EXTREMELY happy to oblige them and the insecurities black men face of being black in the U.S.of A. Too many men with "daddy issues"....because they are being raised by women (no fathers or male mentors),

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    • Jesterguy says:
      Posted: 11 Aug 13

      I am feeling a little out of place since I am the only white guy I have noticed (yet) posting on this thread but I wanted to give my own viewpoint as to the fact that I represent half of the discussed romantic "equation". I think the fact that if we look at the statistics and realize that black women are proceeding onto higher education at a rate of 2 to 1 over black men in the States, it stands to reason that they are feeling put upon by the rest of the community that seeks to enforce homogeneity. I recently saw a very disturbing documentary about how there is apparently a large number of African American men "heading south" to Brazil of all places(it was called Frustrated: Black American Men in Brazil). The men being interviewed (very very few women) stated when asked their motivations that it was the differences in the Brazilian woman as compared to the African American woman. They were using responses such as: "Brazilian women don't make you feel ashamed to be a man and they actually treat you like a man and they enjoy it" "The girls here always make sure that they look good, they like to take care of their man...." "Brazilian culture is very paternalistic, the figure of the man is very important..."(a Brazilian woman) After about 15 minutes of these "men" i was disgusted and had to turn it off. It seems from to me from my own personal experience and what I view in the culture around us, it seems Black Men feel put upon by the American culture, they feel victimized by the American culture and like some self-fulfilling prophecy they rise to the level that they believe they are capable. They seem to seek the path of least resistance but yet their egos cannot accept that it's their choices that are ultimately to blame. Not the "white man" , not society, not coming from "broken homes" because if that was the case then why are there so many black women who come from the same culture demanding success for themselves and ACHIEVING IT and such a higher rate than their male counterparts! Those Black Women who succeed and thrive 'put the lie' to all their self delusions about their lack of progress and I feel they have only themselves to blame.

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  18.   Kandy28 says:
    Posted: 02 Aug 13

    I agree 100%. Really great blog.

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  19.   Sheri says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 13

    i read this article and I will definately be reading your blog. You are so right. Black women do not under stand the benefits of marrying outside of their race at all because as stated they have been bullied into believing that the only men they deserve are uneducated, ex- cons etc. I too suffered the same insults. After graduating from UMASS and completed my Masters Degree there were no black men who was on my level. I am from Jamaica and I was told by my grandmother that I should find a man who was my equal or better. She told me straight I could never improve myself or my race by marrying down. Thank God for her. I dated and marry white and I could never have had a better life. My husband not only treats me like the Queen that I am but make sure that every aspect of my life is taken care of. One of the many reasons i do not watch black movies is because of the constant message that a black woman who is educated and successful should marry a mechanic or an ex-con. Why should we allow ourselves to be degraded and brought down to such levels? If more black women were marrying out side of the black race our race would not have the issues we are having since there would be more fathers for our children who are not only supportive but will make sure their children are successful in life. It is sad and I feel bad for black women who fall prey to the guilt and end us struggling for the rest of their lives with no way out. I was glad I made the decision not to marry black and I encourage my friends to do like wise.

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    • sylviakhalan says:
      Posted: 05 Aug 13

      Even Oprah spoke of this! Totally ridiculous and the black men are so proud of themselves for having "bare back sex" with black women and in their midst being cowardly and not staying to raise their children! I don't have children, but I see far TOO many black women in St. Louis with babies. The women getting obese and trying to raise the child, trying to find a career that won't interfere with raising the child and trying to do it all on their own....but then they go on to have more than one child. STOP that madness.

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      • Alchemy73 says:
        Posted: 29 Apr 14

        I'm originally from the St.Louis area myself. My cousin and I were talking once about how so many women she knows from that area ended up as single Black mothers! And that it seemed to be almost an epidemic there. I'm sure that this is an issue that is in many economically depressed areas, but it's sad to see it in my hometown area. Sometimes you have to break out of an area to grow into a better station in life. Though it was hard for me to be separated from my Grandmother and other close family, I'm glad that I grew up out West. And I'm glad to be back here now. It's just more progressive, and it opened my eyes to the fact that there's a whole world out there!

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  20.   arlandf says:
    Posted: 31 Jul 13

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

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    • Mocha5891 says:
      Posted: 01 Aug 13

      Unfortunately Arlandf you have taken a really good blog the wrong way. Not once did she say anything negative about black men. However it seems as if you are sort of bitter to the fact that African American women are open to dating other races .You are also assuming that she thinks the worst of African American men. As far as "Mastering men of our races", that's kind of an irrelevant/ignorant/insecure statement due to the fact that many African American women who date outside of their race does not exclude black men as an option. I don't believe that mastering any man of any race is possible for any woman. Men in general have flaws and so do women. The whole point of the blog was to encourage black women to include other races as an option for dating as well. It's sad that you have mistaken this blog for a Black Male Bashing Board. Maybe you should crawl on some other blogs and leak negative things because clearly this one doesn't apply to you.

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    • cookie_11 says:
      Posted: 11 Oct 13

      Hate to be the one to point you in the direction of statistics dahling. But there are much more black men in prison than any other race of men, something in the ball park of 1 and every 15 black men in prison? You cost tax payers about 45,000 dollars a year for your prison apts, cable and 3 squares a day, plus snack. Yes I agree, a lot of black women do date thugs and losers like yourself because most of you are losers and thugs, what real choice does a black woman who feels guilty about dating out of her race really have? Since 80% black men are losers thugs and jail birds, then that's why 80 % of black women feel they must be loyal and stay in their lane by exclusively dating black men ONLY.Some black women perhaps do lower their standards by accepting black men like you, just because their skin color matches yours. The author of this article is addressing the black male shortage in America and encouraging those black women who are a bit gun shy to date outside their race. Black men are not all the same, not all of them are bad, but 80% of them are.

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      • blackbelle01 says:
        Posted: 06 Sep 15

        Once you go black you are a baby mamma and that goes for any woman regardless of rather they are Black, White, Asian or Hispanic

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    • cookie_11 says:
      Posted: 11 Oct 13

      In fact this article is about black guys like YOU! lol even white sisters are figuring most black men out. Once you go black you're a single mom. :-)

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  21. Posted: 30 Jul 13

    Amen

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