More rumination on interracial relationships

Posted by James, 13 May 09

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I was hanging out at my female friend’s place some time back and I couldn’t help but notice that every woman I met there (starting from her mum and aunt (who are Black) to my pal and her cousins (who are mixed race) were either in a relationship with or married to a White man. Somehow, the topic of President Obama stole its way into our conversations.

Apparently, they are all fond of him largely because he is married to a dark-skinned Black woman. I found this rather strange coz being involved with White men, I automatically expected them to encourage interracial relationships and support anyone in one.

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This got me thinking … most African American women I know hail the likes of Halle Berry and model Iman for being in interracial relationships. But somehow, they warm up less to black men/white women relationships. A creeping thought crossed my mind: Do Black women hold some kind of interracial relationships double standard?

So I asked them: “Does this mean that you guys would have liked President Obama less if he was married to a White woman?”

What came up was a discussion about how Black women have been ignored by men (Black men included) just for their skin color. Her mum and aunt said how their mocha skin wasn’t valued one bit in the 50s. Her cousin said how the Black men she dated in the 80s seemed to be looking for something that wasn’t quite her … lighter skin, straighter hair. And after dating a few White men, she discovered that they were willing to accept her as she was … dark skin, bushy hair and all.

“I guess we just love men who really love Black women,” she said.

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Well this made me look at their attitudes towards interracial relationships from a totally different angle. Maybe, for Black women who are pro black women/white men relationships (and not sooo pro the opposite) it never has anything to do with the Black men who choose to date interracially. It has everything to do with Black women and their intense fondness for any man - regardless of color and race – who appreciates and dates Black women.

So is this still a double standard?

20 responses to "More rumination on interracial relationships"

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  1.   Homepage says:
    Posted: 29 Jul 12

    ... [Trackback]... [...] Read More: interracialdatingcentral.com/fyooz/more-rumination-on-interracial-relationships/ [...]...

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  2.   PetiteChick says:
    Posted: 12 Jul 10

    @Julius6 Getting back to the real topic some black woman are hypocrites, when its comes to the obama issue; we all know that if he was married to a white woman a lot of black woman would not warm to him as they currently do; Although they would never state this publicly.Too many black woman on this site are not for interracial relationships for black men and woman but for black woman with white men only.The true people just say pure and simply that they are atrracted to white more than black. Short and sweet and to the point --------------------------- 1. Why shouldn't Black women revel in the fact that POTUS is married to a bona fide Black woman? Is it wrong? Methinks not. 2. Umm, this is an inter-racial dating site. Why would Black women come here to just date Black men? There are other sites that cater to Blacks meeting each other. I don't understand your logic on this one and perhaps maybe you can explain (if you still follow this blog). When I first got here and became a paid member I included all ethnicities. Doing that would mean I wouldn't mind a Black man hitting me up! But let's face it, Black men are NOT ON this site to meet Black women specifically so why should we? It's somewhat of an oxymoron to come to an interracial dating site looking for "you." Now over time I have excluded them (this is fairly recent about a month or two ago). Prior to that I excluded White men. I want a man - a good one. BM did not bother. White men did and still do. Hispanic men do but their numbers are small here in my region. I have considered all. I see no reason why someone would ACTUALLY PAY to come here to a site that caters to inter-racial relationships to find their own.

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  3.   PetiteChick says:
    Posted: 12 Jul 10

    To Lalaland: Thank you for that wonderful post. I am in awe of what we "see" in public as to the admiration and love of a Black man and woman. Particularly POTUS and FLOTUS. Now we don't know what goes on behind closed doors, no marriage is perfect but they bring a certain chemistry that the American Public can see that loving AA couples DO EXIST! To your point about expectations on "our look" there are many products that stock the shelves of beauty shops and stores that are geared toward Bleaching of AA skin. I'm not quite sure why anyone would want to do this. For Black men, the hue of his skin doesn't matter, nor does the kinkiness or "goodness" of it. I recall when AA's used that awful term "good hair." WTF is good hair? LOL. I am black, want to look Black. I thought that was supposed to be the attraction actually. The fact that I don't look Euro withstraight hair. Some of us have lineage that produces straighter hair. Some of us don't. *Waving* I'm with ya sister on that dictating on how I should look. No, nada, hell nawl, ain't gonna happen. You do you - and I'll do me!

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  4.   julius26 says:
    Posted: 12 Jul 10

    I once went out with a black woman who had been out with numourous white men but would never date a black man who had been out with a white woman so Chocolatelady you are not alone with disliking BM with WM.

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  5. Posted: 11 Jul 10

    Well like I said on another post I get butterflies in my stomach when I see a BM with a WW. But I do enjoy see a BW with a WM. Call me predjudice or whatever you like but just to see a Brother with a white woman just does something to my entire system. And yes, some black women do hold a interracial relationship double standard.

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  6.   wonka says:
    Posted: 09 Mar 10

    Whatevah!!.

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  7.   SimplySpicy says:
    Posted: 24 Oct 09

    Wow My fav peeps have yet again taken the words out of my mouth, godiva,world, and ichibod.."smile"<<beeming with pride. I agree that we as a whole have to realize that everyone is beautiful in their own right. I find it sad that hollywood has not still embraced dark skin on women. I am a brown sister who models and sometimes become frustrated when I go on shoots and they purposely cater to the white or the almost white models,while ethnic models like myself are treated like yesterday leftovers. What makes it even worse is the fact that the lighter models look down upon the darker ones. Not that I am complaining, because, I find it an honor that I can still procure jobs but sometimes I find it disheartening that the old stereotypes still stand today. I think that it is even sadder that the black community still continues to perpetuate the old stereotype that lighter is better. Irregardless of shade when you are black you are still considered and will be treated accordingly. So rather then further the divide we should love and appreciate all for the differences and similarities, because how can you love others of other races if you do not love your own skin? I think that anyone who bashes someone of their own race just to look favorable to another race has some deep rooted issues that they should address before interracialy dating. It is bad for them to have that toxic attitude even worse for them to have kids and pass it to them. So my overall thought is that we should not be like the people who have criticized us for our preferences. Also we need to stop sitting down and letting these people dictate to us who is acceptable as far as looks. I think we should make these companies as well as artists be responsible for the decisions that they make. We are the consumers of the products and we have a right to voice our opinion. lol so there is some food for thought.:-) Anyways, the bottom line is real change starts at home.

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  8.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 23 Aug 09

    I love the way Godiva turned the phrase "GOD issued uniforms"! We are all sportin' our God-issued uniforms. We may have preferences as to the exact nature of the "uniform" to which we are mainly or solely attracted, for God only knows what reason or other and that is what it is. It is when we start putting value judgments on "the other" uniforms that we cross the line. Let the "Uniform Maker" judge the work. For the rest of us, let's just enjoy the banquet.

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  9.   julius26 says:
    Posted: 20 Jul 09

    Dear msz17 Iam not against bw/wm i can see that some people are deeply attracted too other races, i should no because i think indian are soo hot!!. On the first point i dont dislike obama for marrying michelle what i was saying is that some black woman would not have liked him so much if he was married to a white woman. On the second point not every person from a certain race is considered attractive by the opposite sex in their race, so you have one of two options hang around and hope that someone will find you attractive or date outside you race, which is the option i would recomend to both men and woman of any race. I have gone on blogs where a black woman have stated that the reason that she date white men is because she thinks that black men are ugly. I thinks black woman are beautiful i could never call them ugly because half of what make me is from a black woman. To date i have only dated black woman but i must admit i would be prepared to date outside my race. Too sum it all up iam not naive euough to think everybody in this big world will only date their own race; some people only get that spark when going out with someone of a different colour to themselves. And that a fact that everybody in this world better get use to and understand

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  10.   MsZ17 says:
    Posted: 20 Jul 09

    Julius, why would someone be afraid to publicly admit how they felt about IR relationships on here? It's not like anyone knows anyone personally. I could care less what people think about me on here! Obama is a bi-racial man who fell in love and married a black woman. You act like that's something bad. He LOVES Michelle. Would it have made you feel better if she were white? I don't get it. In the long run it doesn't matter at all. People are going to do what they want (I know I certainly am!). I am one of those black women who has lived in California for more than 30 years and I swear on my beautiful bi-racial daughter that only ONE black man has ever asked me out and he turned out to be an alcoholic! lol All the others have been overwhelmingly white, some Hispanic and a couple of Asians. I don't know why and I stopped trying to figure it out LONG ago. Every woman wants to feel that she is beautiful and desireable. If black men can't see my beauty, no problem.

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  11.   julius26 says:
    Posted: 17 Jul 09

    Getting back to the real topic some black woman are hypocrites, when its comes to the obama issue; we all know that if he was married to a white woman a lot of black woman would not warm to him as they currently do; Although they would never state this publicly.Too many black woman on this site are not for interracial relationships for black men and woman but for black woman with white men only.The true people just say pure and simply that they are atrracted to white more than black. Short and sweet and to the point

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  12.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 10 Jul 09

    Great post, Sister Godiva! And Lalaland, your statement: "but I love seeing a white male and black female (especially when the black female is natural, not some Hollywood prototype)". I couldn't agree with you more. I have 2 cousins that are married to white men. They are both dark skinned natural beauties. And their husbands are both... how should I put it... the REALLY 'White' type. LoL I just think its great how beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, and shades. And even greater when we can all recognize that and embrace it.

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  13.   Munchie1984 says:
    Posted: 27 May 09

    Godiva I agree fully with your post. Although I'm attracted mainly to white guys it is not for foolish reasons that some African American women have the audacity to imply. I'm all for interratial dating on both sides of the coin and I think if it's for the right reasons, then why not go for it. Although I think it is extremely awesome that we have a beautiful black woman in the White House (and that's something I'm proud of) I wouldn't have a problem if the woman were white at all. Just as long as the President does his job, then why should it effect me?

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  14.   godiva61 says:
    Posted: 25 May 09

    To World Citizen, As always, it's a pleasure to hear from you... Victoria's Secret and other such companies, main focus is to "sell and to make money". That's to be expected, afterall, who in their right mind would go into business, just to fail... However, I believe that a company, as well as individuals, should have a "moral" sense of responsibility and obligation to do the right thing no matter what the cost may be... I agree with you about how progress is being made, even if the progress is slow... I also agree with you about these blogs. These blogs should be a little more lighthearted, and not so serious all the time. I think that some of the wording in the topics of certain post's, is the cause for such friction, such as "why some ONLY date others". You see the word ONLY, and the gloves come off.. We need more humor as well... People who date other's that are not in their culture have a sense of humor, so humor shoul be injected onto this site.. We need to laugh more, and fight less, and yes, I would love to hear about SUCCESSFUL LOVE STORIES as well.... Any and all SUCCESS is a wonderful thing!! Here's to you, here's to success, and here's to the power of uplifting and not the tearing down..... love godiva61

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  15.   Austrian says:
    Posted: 25 May 09

    Godiva61, again I fully agree with your statements. Heidi Klum, who is married to black black Seal, is one of the top Victoria's Secret models. She is successful (for the third time) with Germany's Next Top Model TV show. Just this past weekend - a beautiful, talented mixed girl (Ethiopian/German) has been chosen No.1! Slowly, very slowly, progress is made. I may approach Heidi, who meanwhile has influence, to remind her of the responsibility to get a few Black Women into Victoria's Secret presentations. Personally, I love good skin - and find, that pitch bluish black skin can be stunning - as it has a special satin gloss - and it feels incredibly good to the touch. Physique is not the only attraction, when it comes to beauty. With all the negative comments by people who are prejudice, full of hate, and trying to pull us down to their state of misery, I feel it is time to post a Blog such as: SUCCESSFUL INTERRACIAL LOVE STORIES ! Here and there one reads about wonderful experiences, however, it would be such constructive help to the readers, who attempt an interracial relationship!

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  16.   godiva61 says:
    Posted: 25 May 09

    To lalaland, First off, I am glad that you "got" what I was trying to say. Second, and this should have been first, "You are very beautiful", love that skintone....... I want to comment on something that you said in your post, "the lighter, the more attractive". It's in my humble opinion, that this "lighter complexion" issue continue's on in society for many different reasons both within our culture and outside our culture.... Hollywood, the media, and corporate america supports this type of mentality about the "lighter" skin complexion.. Let's start with hollywood. First of hollywood still is predominantly one sided in their representation of America and not just to blacks, especially the movie industry. Of all the movies that were released last year, how many of the leading characters were black? How many of those same movies had a favorable amount of black actors/actresses in the supporting cast? One or two, here and there, was the limit... They will cast Halle, and Beyonce, but how many "dark skinned" people do you see cast in a movie? To me, and I'm speaking of my perception only, is this "we'll accept you but only if you meet the requirements of what we consider as attractive and/or beautiful"...... The same sentiment is prevalent in the magazines, and in television as well... The only time that you will see a "dark skinned beauty" in magazines is if the magazine is "JET, ESSENCE, or EBONY", other than that, it is very, very rare... The "dark skinned" man is not exempt from this attitude and mentality.... There is this one actor( I can't spell his name), who I think is just so gorgeous, sexy, masculine, and very talented as well, but you rarely ever, ever see him in any movies. The actor that I'm referring to is the dark honey who had the lead role in " Amistad", he was also in the movie "Beauty Shop", with Queen Latifah. Now I know "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", but hollywood seems to have a totally different view as to what beauty is, compared to you and I, and this sentiment is not limited to certain blacks, but their view of beautiful in women, differs as well, i.e, Angelina Jolie is the first one that comes to my mind. What I find so hypocritical about her in particular, is the fact that they are always mentioning and praising her "full lips". As we all know, in our culture, full lips is not uncommon, and we don't have to do the botox thing, like some do, however those very same features that enhances her beauty (in their eyes), those same features on us can, and have been a drawback for us. Add into the mix, braids, dreds, and dark skin and hollywood will look the other way, quick, fast, and in a hurry!!!!!!!!!!! It's no different in corporate America. One franchise, which I refuse to patronize, Victoria's Secret. Their models are all cut from the same cookie cutter. When, if ever, have you evr seen a dark skinned woman, with braids, or dreds representing Victoria's? It's in my opinion that they misrepresent all women period!!!!!!!!! If you shop there, (I am not suggesting that you or anyone else to not shop there), but if you do, look around in the store and see that even the women that work there, is the same cookie cut type that are in their magazines, and on their runways. I've seen 2 women of color to work at Vicki's, and both of them look more like Halle Barry, with just enough mixture to satisfy some and that is why Victria doe's not get any money from me, and lingerie is my materialistic weakness.. You are beautiful!! love godiva61

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  17.   lalaland says:
    Posted: 23 May 09

    I agree 100% with Godiva's analysis of the situation, and want to add one thing about black ladies being annoyed when black guys date white girls. I will say this from my cultural back ground point of view; I am from Africa and have lived in many African countriesabout 99.9% of guys in these countries (about 12 countries) when describing a beautiful woman, will always start with the color of her skin; the lighter, the more attractive, even if she is not beautiful per se. I have had many men back home tell me I would be pretty if I had light skin, and some were even ridiculous enough to tell me to bleach my skin! And truthfully the stereotype continues, even among some white guys who date black women, they might like black women, but then expect them to have long smooth hair, or straighter noses, lol. I mean there are certain things that just come with being blackso, maybe I have double standards, but I love seeing a white male and black female (especially when the black female is natural, not some Hollywood prototype), whereas a black man and white woman dont bother me one way or another.

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  18.   Austrian says:
    Posted: 20 May 09

    Also I agree. Nothing to be added. Your comments have impressed me in other blogs. Love!

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  19.   Queenui says:
    Posted: 19 May 09

    I totally agree with godiva61.

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  20.   godiva61 says:
    Posted: 18 May 09

    I was asked once by a white co-worker "why do we(blacks) needed a seperate beauty pageant"? I wasn't quite sure what she meant but I answered her anyway. J Morris Anderson was the founder of the Ms. Black USA, August, 17th 1968. Some four months, two weeks and one day after Dr. King was assassinated America was privied to MS. Black USA pageant. I went on to tell her that Mr. Anderson had a vision and a calling to show the world that black women were beautiful, smart and talented in spite of the constant reminders that told us different. I went on to tell her that the Ms.USA pageant was first held in 1921 but it wasn't until the 70's, some fifty years later, that we were allowed to participate in the Ms. USA pageant, which I'm sure it was because they felt they had to, and not because they really wanted us to be there. Of course as history goes, it wasn't until 1984 when Vanessa Williams became the first woman of color to actually win the title. Of course it was taken from her, but she was the first. There has always been this stigma about "dark skin" and beauty, be it male or female. The darker black male has had his share of the ignorance, and sterotype as well as the women. Unfortunately this taboo of "dark skin" has been at times, a strife and hardship within our own people as well. I have a cousin who is fair skinned, and he won't date dark skin black women. I have a friend who is really fair skin and will only date dark brothers. Having disclosed that, I think it's true as well as sad that we all have been excluded or included in one group or another for the color of our skin. That doesn't make it right, just real. (I believe in being honest). I love my dark skin and would not change it for nothing in the world, besides it looks great with my white teeth but more importantly, this is the uniform that GOD gave me, so I learned to embrace it, win with it, cry in it but most of all, love in this beautiful dark skin. I went to the park on yesterday and I saw all types of "eye candy"(HOT MEN). I was sitting on that bench having a good ole fashioned looky look. I saw tall men, husky men, lean men, dark men, brown men, white men, it was men everywhere. In my eyesight they all looked yummy for different reasons and that was the beauty of it, they were all in their GOD issued uniforms. One was not better or superior over the others, they were all HOT in their own unique skin tone.(except for the guy with the Steve Urkel shorts). Let's be honest here as far as dating interracially, initially the black man stepped out, spreaded his wings first to date interracially.... No I am not putting him down for this so please read.. Initially it started in Hollywood as far back as Sammy Davis Jr, then pro football, basketball, the military etc, etc... Between the media(television, movies, magazines) and MOST Black men predominant choices of mates, black women were not considered or deemed viable enough within their race or outside their race. Due to the fact that in almost every aspect of society, and including in our own community, we were told in many different forms, that you are not good enough, you are not worthy. If there is a double standard, and I do believe that there is in ONLY a few cases, it's because of the past, is because of not forgiving, and then moving the hell on, and it's a little because of the right now. The right now problem is the negative connotations when black women exercise their options to date, love and marry non-black and especially if he happens to be white. It seems the white choice is the one that's met with so much opposition and negativity. We hear things like "dating out of retaliation or we are sellouts". Also the few of us(NOT ME) who say things like "white men are better or something along those lines, is doing the exact same thing that was done to us, that hurt us deeply, and now you're acting in the same manner!!! My personal opinion is whoever comes into a new realtionship with any type of negativity, be it bashing your own people, bringing up the ex, not willing to be a partner in every since of the word, being selfish, is wrong and you have already set the tone for the relationship. So sisters, don't be angry when black men trash you to other's and then you turn around and do the exact same thing(lol). I have heard it on both sides and it does nothing but weaken us as individuals and further weakens this already broke but fixable society. Eventually all realtionships will be better if some behaviors were to cease, forever. The men who are in denial about not resorting to this behavior, get real. Just look at some of these ads on this site. Check out "LoveWhiteW" personal profile if you don't believe me.. We have come a long way but there's more work to be done. To rid ourselves of the double standards, one should first take a look at oneself. Work on self, be honest, then just move on. I am gald that collectively sisters have stepped out of the box with dating, with life in general. For me this is not new, I've always marched to my own beat. My parents had a time with me. I din't want to play with dolls, I wanted to play football. I convinced my parents to let me go to Rota Spain instead of going to my senior prom. The really cool thing was my parents acceptance of me, and not who society said I should be. Instead of going a shopping spree for my high school graduation, I opted for a week in New York and to go to Yankee Stadium. It's okay to live outside the box, and exercise our options but we also have a moral responsiblity to be decent, cordial and open minded to others as well and to ourselves. If you are one to have, and to hold on to a double standard, then maybe you are a part of the problem and not part of the solution. Let's work on ourselves, let's work as a group and maybe, just maybe, when we have breathed our last breath, we can go knowing that we at least tried to leave this world in a little better shape than which we found it.... Love godiva61

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