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Overcoming interracial dating obstacles

Posted by James, 24 Mar

I am a believer that interracial dating will triumph over all the obstacles such couples face. But until that happens, here is how you deal with the four most common obstacles:

If some of your friends and family members are traditionalists who believe in ‘dating within your own race’, or those that feel that interracial dating has made them be in some competition with men or women of other races, surround yourself with people who embrace diversity… people who understand you… people who don’t question your choice to date interracially. The acceptance you get from people you keep close will be like a shield from those bad comments from the rest of the society.

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Media stereotyping is another obstacle. Can you blame them? Stereotyping is easier for them. Its what appeals to the masses. Its what sells. Since you know how biased the media business is, why waste your time keeping up with it? Plus, don’t let your dating choices be influenced by those couples the media idealizes. Make yourself be stereotype resistant. Trust only what you believe in.

Then there are those family members you love to hate… those always on your case. Those still living in 1946 with their race-driven jokes. Don’t let your blood boil coz he or she is the only one not getting this interracial dating biz. Yes, you may never be able to avoid them during the family reunions so all you can do is just accept them and their stone-age ways. Pay no mind to them. Just prepare yourself and your significant other for the crude confrontation. Don’t let emotions get the best of you coz you know who you are dealing with. And much as trying to explain yourself may not help much, share your thoughts about how much you love your partner and demand your respect!

So what should you do about the on-lookers … those who look at you like you are some UFOs? How about those that frown and raise eyebrows while at it? Don’t even try to play mind-reader. I know its tempting but just resist the urge. Who knows, the stares could be of envy and admiration… or maybe… or maybe… Shoot! Wondering is pointless.

There are not many interracial couples yet - well, not as many as we would love to see anyway. So thrive in your uniqueness. Boast in the fact that someone noticed you two. Pat yourselves on the back – better yet, hug and kiss - knowing that you are part of those that are desensitizing the world about interracial dating.

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8 responses to "Overcoming interracial dating obstacles"

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  1.   afrodite_07 says:
    Posted: 13 Jul 10

    -here's what I got to say about it...I'm the one going to bed with my lover no matter the race.get out of my biz. if people worry about what the person i choose to be with looks like,they have no life and need to get one.yeah certain races have done certain things to certain people,but i don't blame everyone...i blame their parents and grandparents and ancestors

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  2.   TED2010 says:
    Posted: 31 May 10

    Furry what a great comment - I hope you don't mind me using it from here on out. I think so many people just forget we are all part of the "Human Race" and love is what we are all here for...

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  3.   FurryJeans says:
    Posted: 15 May 10

    When I was dating and married to someone who is filipina I would occasionally get a remark from people asking why I didn't marry within my "own race". I always replied, "what, the human race not good enough for you?"

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  4.   Phil says:
    Posted: 25 Apr 10

    I was married to a beautiful Black Woman for many years. We are still great friends. When we first started dating her Father was not happy. When I proposed, he was livid. So, amazingly was one of her two brothers that I had been friends with back in highschool. Neither her father, nor that brother came to the wedding. This hurt my wife's feelings but did not slow us up one bit. A short few years later, my Father-in-Law became a very good friend, and the reticent brother went right back to being my friend. People can change. Not all will, but so what. My ex and I had sayings we said to each other all the time...she said once you go black, you never go back...and I said....once you go white you know you done right...fairly prophetic...LOL. She is now married to another white man (and dated only white men in the interim) and is again very happy, while I have only been happy since then with a beautiful Sistah. Damn but I love chocolate...but then I think we're all chocolate, some white, some light, some milk, some dark.....find the flavor you love and be real about it.

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  5.   FaerieGirl says:
    Posted: 18 Apr 10

    This is a harsh world we live in, indeed. I agree that one must follow one's heart, even at the risk of alienating others. There is a lot of prejudice everyone has to deal with and it does truly take a strong person to simply accept it or overcome it. I personally have dated men of many different races and have many friends outside my own race, sexual orientation, education level, etc. Something *I* get a lot of negative reaction about is that I am attracted much more to men younger than myself. Why, I can't say and why should I have to justify my choice to anyone else. I think we of a more liberal bent are simply puzzled by the intensity of others' reactions to our choices.

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  6.   nitaj says:
    Posted: 05 Apr 10

    Thanks for the encouraging suggestions. I am almost 49 and I have for the most part always dated outside my race- in fact, I am the only one in my family that did not understand why I married a black man- in hindsight, I wonder also. But What gets me- and correction there are more diverse couples than we think- I happen to know a lot of mixed matches who love each other and could care less what the consensus is about their togetherness. It is not so much the color but the bigotry in thinking one race is better than the other that keeps people in such a hateful state of thinking. I grew up in a predominantly "white" atmosphere, so my choosing came out of my environment. I was use to relating to white people-nothing against my Black family or friends but hey it is what it is. As a person who dates men who happen to be white, I have to know my motive and it needs to be pure. Because, if we know why we date Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, etc, then that will give you all the strength and courage to deal with the stares and the ridicules. It is more tolerable now today than when I first started dating white men-33 years ago! My family and friends love me and they respect my choice and my wishes. It has never been an issue in my circle of family and friends. No one cares as long as I am treated well and it is evident that our relationship is based on everything else but color. And why limit ones choices? The world is big and full of color and diversity, enjoy it and appreciate the opportunity to live, dance and love outside the color lines!

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  7.   MagicParadox says:
    Posted: 28 Mar 10

    I found it interesting reading your article, James. It highlights an approach I've undertaken for years, which basically suggests surrounding yourself with likeminded souls. I think it is imperative to live a life congruent with our values, including being around those who share our worldviews. To be around those who have starkly opposing values is simply draining. Challenge them, educate them, but don't expose yourself and your partner beyond your individual limits. I cannot imagine having friends who didn't embrace my choices, and I cannot imagine making my partner feel so uncomfortable as to have to deal with racism in our closer circles! I wouldn't subject him to it and I wouldn't subject me to it! As for family members that are against interracial dating, I wouldn't want to be exposing my partner to that kind of hostility! I'd be gently but firmly saying to that relative, "This is whom I choose to love. I care about you but if you continue to express ill feeling about this relationship, I'll withdraw contact." Certainly, my approach would vary depending on the nature of my connection with the relative, and ideally we'd negotiate how it was handled. However, the bottom line is that I will not tolerate bigotry and prejudice, and I certainly won't allow my partner to be ill treated. Media narrowmindedness is addressed by choosing that which again aligns with your values. (Hence my choice not to have a television! *grins cheekily*) And finally, in reference to strangers and onlookers, I honestly think the stares we attract are because we make a striking couple! I've never experienced negative attention when dating black men, and certainly no one has ever said anything, just looked! I don't perceive the looking as negative, and if it is, it's their problem, not ours. I'm usually too busy smiling and feeling good to pay much attention to others.

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  8.   fire321 says:
    Posted: 25 Mar 10

    If you are the type of person that isn't bothered by what others think, the looks and comments won't bother you. It takes a really strong person to understand that there are some people who don't agree with IR dating. Their views should not influence your choices. On the other hand, if you can't deal with all that comes with IR dating, perhaps you should stay within your own race.

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