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Are racial slurs normal between interracial couples?

Posted by Ria, 15 May

“N***er b***h!!”

That’s what this loving husband calls his wife whenever they are having sex. There is nothing wrong with their one year interracial marriage. If anything, it’s been perfect! He loves her to death, is loyal, committed, showers her with gifts, takes her places; all things a woman looks for.

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When having sex on their honeymoon, that’s the first time the man blurted out the N-word. And when she expressed her anger, the man defended himself saying: the Black women he dated before her, got off on the racial slurs.

Sex isn’t the only time he has been racial with her. Once (apparently on a light note) he told his wife that he had purchased her freedom. :roll: He sometimes makes jokes about her pubic hair: calls it "Negro-bush" and calls himself "N*gger lover". What’s worse is when the wife tells him that she doesn’t appreciate the racial slurs, he tells her that she is overly sensitive because he is so in love with her and thinks he should get a "Black pass" coz they are married.

The slurs have totally turned her off. And no matter how much she expresses her hatred for the slurs, every time they try to have sex, the N-words just start flying off his mouth. This has affected their sex life to the extent of this lady pretending to be asleep whenever the man wants to get it on.

Are racial slurs normal between interracial couples? Why would someone who claims to have so much love for another be so verbally and emotionally abusive? He asks her why Black people get to use the N-word and he cant. Seriously, the wife says she hates it; so why keep using it? So what if his former Black girls liked it? People aren't the same. Problem is, she has expressed her anger; hubby doesn't seem to get the extent of emotional damage he is causing. Clearly, he is not willing to change.

Question is: Do you think she should dump her "loving" hubby based on this? Do you think the man can change? How can this relationship be salvaged?

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25 responses to "Are racial slurs normal between interracial couples?"

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  1.   wayer says:
    Posted: 30 Dec 13

    I never dated a black woman before but I am going to try it. Lester Brown

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  2.   HoneyBeeauty says:
    Posted: 10 Jun 13

    My heart goes out to this woman. Perhaps she was in denial or, like so many of us women (of ALL RACES) often do, was simply hoping for the best... hoping her love and belief in the intentions he espoused would help him change. That innate desire to care, to comfort, to nurture, to help - the nature of a woman. However, not everyone can be helped. Often times men, regardless of race, put a female down because of their OWN insecurities. I attempted to date someone white and any time I had an advancement in the workplace, spoke of previous accolades or experiences of note, he would try to bring me down. He would make racially insensitive comments (not slurs) and despite my efforts to educate the ignorance out of him, he continued to revert back to his hateful ways. I later learned it was an actual hatred of himself (he had grown up overweight and although now in shape and healthy, still saw himself as and had the insecurities of his former obese self). Once I learned of this insecurity I tried to be even more considerate but his negative behavior continued. One day, I asked him, "If I were fat or put on weight, would you still love me?" He actually told me he wouldn't! "Well if YOU were overweight, I would still love you." I told him. He merely reiterated his original statement. Horrified by his brazen unkindness, I said to him, "Don't you find that to be hypocritical?" He didn't respond but it was my way of letting him know that I knew, without demeaning him. Even when given the opportunity to be a better man, he chose pettiness and negativity. So who knows what issues this woman's husband is dealing with, whatever they are, they stem from a hatred of self. What does a bully do? A bully puts others down to elevate themselves. I do believe the honeymoon was the first time the man dared to use a racial SLUR, however I'm sure there were signs. Signs that she forgave or overlooked because she didn't want to seem overly sensitive. In inter-racial relationships its often difficult to draw the line, especially in the beginning, between what is said out of ignorance and what is said out of malevolence. My very first date with this guy I had a red flag, a rude and racially insensitive comment he made about my hair... but since he'd told me he'd dated women of color before, I ignored the sign. I let him know it was rude but I should have never allowed him a second date. Now I see him on THIS site and I want to warn all the women out there! Hopefully, they will see the signs sooner than I did. True intentions always come out. That which is kept in darkness, always comes to light... eventually. Look for the signs, ladies. Swing away.

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  3.   Tedie says:
    Posted: 04 Jun 13

    WOW! Ok so I remember when this story ran in the magazine as well. My take on this issue is simply, what he does for her or buys her will never pay for the way he is tearing her down. It is no different when a man beats a woman with his fist then turns around once he has calmed down and buys her gifts to show how sorry he is. Abuse is abuse in any shape form or fashion. The greater picture is I don't believe this behavior started after the marriage, especially if he feels so comfortable in saying it. If his past relationships allowed for it then he should have stayed in his past. Once he said it the first time, if it truly bothered her it was then she should have taken a firm stand against the language. Instead it sounds as though she turned the other cheek because the abuser purchased a few items for her silence. There is no changing him, he must want to change himself. If his love for her is real, then his love would cause him to put her feelings ahead of his sexually motivated disrespect. Could this marriage be salvaged? The bigger question is can her respect be salvaged? If she wants his respect then maybe time apart will open his eyes to the damage he is really doing. Time apart allows him to decide if treating her like his ex is worth losing her. It also allows her time to see if the gifts and so on are worth her self respect. If they don't measure up, then make the time apart a lasting one. Personally, I don't see how there is really any love between them. Because before you can love someone else you have to love yourself first. You can't love yourself if you allow someone to call you out of your name. He can't really love her, if he knows what he is saying to her makes her unhappy and yet he keeps doing it. Sounds more like an arrangement than a marriage.

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  4.   SloWine1 says:
    Posted: 31 May 13

    Who cares if racial slurs are "okay" in a relationship or not; we're avoiding the greater issue: This woman has told her husband that what he is saying to her is hurtful/offensive her, and he has completely disregarded her feelings, much preferring to continue doing so. This man does not care about her feelings and has absolutely no respect for her. She should find someone who does.

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  5.   prettygirl46 says:
    Posted: 29 May 13

    He sounds like an insensitive idiot! It only takes one time for her to say that it bothers her and makes her angry. A good husband will automatically say, "I'm sorry honey." It's like rollin in bed with a racist.

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  6.   foreally says:
    Posted: 26 May 13

    He seems very immature or lacking something in the mental department. Perhaps he was not socialized as a child. Either way, I hope that all women will run from a man (whatever his color) like this. We have to have the strength to catch this type of behavior before falling into marriage with such a sick person. Getting to know someone is definitely worth the wait as opposed to jumping into a nightmare.

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  7.   cherelle4u says:
    Posted: 26 May 13

    We can't blame rappers for our own behavior! We have a responsibility to be respectful to one another! Seriously, why be in a relationship if you are going to use that kind of language towards each other! However, I know there are couples out there who do this and still claim to like and love each other!

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  8.   Sweettoyou says:
    Posted: 25 May 13

    Can this story possibly be true?? It's verbal abuse and humiliation, and expresses extreme contempt. If that turns him on, he's sick and sadistic. I wish this woman had had the strength to get out of the "honeymoon" bed (or was he fantasizing that it was slave quarters?) and have the "marriage" annulled. He is sick. People like him lack the capacity for inner-reflectivity. He doesn't even get it that he's damaging her when she tells him outright. The man is not going to change; the woman must demand respect and get out of the relationship. Don't forget what people say when they're drunk, angry, or in bed. That's when they speak their true minds. "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." What this man is doing is called mental cruelty. It's grounds for divorce. Read the book Love Must Be Tough. You don't stand for abuse. He should know that if he crosses the line, he will lose everything. There are a lot of good men out there. Women can demand the best. Here is a warning sign: if someone of another race is pursuing you and keeps mentioning race, even in a "positive" way, there's something wrong. Some only want novelty, a toy, a trophy, or, as in the case above, someone to abuse. RUN away from them! I still can't believe that this story could be true. Come on: Do writers stay up at night dreaming up these stories to get people going? I'll bet they do.

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  9.   alicia44 says:
    Posted: 24 May 13

    Slurs or any names not used in an affectionate context at anytime are abusive should not be used in or outside of the bedroom. The slur clearly appears to be out of bounds according to his lover and as a matter of course, he then would need to respect those wishes as a husband and modify his behavior. To that end, I too am some what curious that this issue has never come up before except within this instance. There are several gaps of which this article seems to leave the reader questioning, such as: How long has she really known him before a sexual experience? What was their communication previous to this? How is this a surprise at this stage especially since he has revealed that all his other lovers did not take issue with the behavior and therefore did he not disclose this until just that very moment? There are some communication issues that need to be vetted and clear boundaries established. I do not believe she should lie in her bed of woe, nor do I feel he should be given a free "black pass" yet I do feel that the communication has to be re established and new boundaries formed in the bedroom and within the relationship itself. If they can't communicate effectively, then they can't be together anyway.

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  10.   440190 says:
    Posted: 23 May 13

    You should never use it, and should never use it to your love. That is just dumb.

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  11.   Carys says:
    Posted: 20 May 13

    My partner and I tease each other in a racial way sometimes, for example, if I dance (which i'm awful at), he'll laugh and say, "you white people really ain't good at this are you?" But we have been together 3 years, and that kind of teasing didn't happen until we both knew each other's comfort levels, and if either one of us crossed the line racially (which we did sometimes!), the other would tell them, and it wouldn't happen again. That's a healthy relationship, one where you can make fun of each other, but respect each others' boundaries, and stop before it goes too far. This does not sound like that. It sounds like abuse. Especially as she's told him plenty of times that it makes her uncomfortable, and he's carried on. I think this guy has some serious issues he needs to work on, because the way he's acting is just not healthy. I don't really feel qualified to comment on whether she should divorce him, there could be so many other factors in this that we are not hearing, but I would definitely say he needs some help with his issues. If he's not willing to seek help, there's not much she can do.

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  12.   arlandf says:
    Posted: 20 May 13

    Let me close it on this, black people, myself included, we have to be cognizant of what is going on when we get into interracial relationships. I am not saying don't get into one because I will be a hypocrite. I am saying you have to be aware of what is going on. Be aware of your mate. Try bringing up certain issues pertaining to race and see how they respond to them. By their response you will tell that they are racist or not. Be aware of many of these families that has racist feelings towards blacks. Be aware of your significant other's friends and their racist attitudes, in fact if your significant other have racist friends or family members and he/she doesn't rebuke them, don't date or marry them because if they love you, they wouldn't allow you to be disrespected. Just because you are in a interracial relationship don't mean that you are free from racist attitudes. This is what this lady and many other blacks failed to realized and now they are crying to the media. In addition, many of these people like Christelyn Karazin are failing to tell people about dealing with racial issues and politics in their articles and books. Truth in love.

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  13.   genuine72 says:
    Posted: 20 May 13

    Ok... so is this woman expecting anyone to believe that this man waited until their honeymoon to exhibit this behavior???? If he did... I feel for her, however I can't help believe that there were previews of things to come. Now I do disagree that the psychology of black women dating white men has anything to do with us feeling like white men are better than black men; I date white men and many of my friends do as well and what it boils down to for us is attraction... Again, if this situation occurred the way this young woman describes, I feel for her because it is never acceptable to use racial slurs in your relationship (in either direction),

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  14.   Tommyd88 says:
    Posted: 19 May 13

    I say blame the Rappers It's N**ger this and N**ger that. Every second word is N**ger. On a serious note, she should dumb his stupid ass the dudes sounds crazy. Better off without him and his racial comments.

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    • arlandf says:
      Posted: 19 May 13

      Why blame the rappers? Many of these white men swear they are better than these rappers so why should white men do what these rappers do? Also, when black people say the N-Word it is a term of endearment. When white people use the word, it means "your black self is beneath me", "I will kill your black self and family because they are a threat to me" etc. Look at history, white people use that word to rape black women. They used that word to lie on black men about raping white women which lead to lynchings and massacres (Tulsa Riots, Rosewood riots etc). They used that word to kill black children in cold blood ( Emmett Till, George Stinney, Birmingham Church Bombing till today Trayvon Martin, Jordan Davis, Kendrick Johnson). They used that word when they burn down our towns when they thrived (Wilmington, NC 1898, Race Riots in 1919) They used it to terrorize us. After all of this what make white people think they can use this word? No they should use that word. PS: Check out Tim Wise and Jane Elliott about using the N-word. Black women especially the ones that have the mindset of this lady in this article, look up everything that I put in parenthesis. You will know that many of these white men don't have your best interest. Don't try to shame me about I am mad that ya'll are dating white men because ya'll always talk about how women of other races, hell even lightskinned women ruin us and people like OJ Simpson, Kobe Bryant, and Tiger Woods.

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    • sxybrwnsuga says:
      Posted: 21 May 13

      You are a grown man blame yourself if you let those words come out of your mouth.

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  15.   mrJason707 says:
    Posted: 18 May 13

    Yikes. I've only been in one interracial relationship and it was the best I ever had as far as intimacy and connection. I swear I NEVER saw her as a "black woman" and myself as a "white man". So race literally never came up - not ever. Not for kicks, jokes or stereotypes; we were simply attracted to each others' differences as well as our similarities and we clicked. If I EVER heard ANYONE degrade her racially like that - anywhere - there would have been hell to pay. You can't love someone and humiliate them... just can't. Too cold.

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  16.   jod212 says:
    Posted: 16 May 13

    Thank you to those who state the obvious, anyone who feel's the need to humiliate their partner to spite continued objection's is an "ABUSER" and a problem. She need's to understand that the behavior is abusive and no different than calling her stupid or anyother demeaning adjective. And oh by the way, if you see the racial slur's as not a problem you may yourself be stepping into a minefield of abuse in the future. The only way this woman can make her husband see the behavior he engages in as distructive is to counter with her own set of disparaging comment's however that can become the beginning of the end for their union. Her only other alternative is couple's therapy but she has to convince him she'll leave (and mean it!) if the behavior does not stop. I've had a similar experience and while on a very lovely vacation. I packed my belonging's and saught a room in a different part of the resort then rescheduled transport back home and spent the rest of the vacation on my own....was it dissapointing, YES. The bottom line is that verbal abuse is no different than a beating and I cannot tolerate either from anyone claiming to "love" me. No one should!!!

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  17.   dave_74 says:
    Posted: 15 May 13

    Basically, anything that really bothers your partner especially if he/she repeatedly mentions it should be avoided. One time thing or a few times thing and she mentions that it bothers her, AND he quits ...then OK, if she loves him , I'd say give him a chance. However in this case, it has been repeated and she repeatedly told him how much it deeply bothers and hurts her as well as other things he says showing his insensitivity to her feelings. He should do some deep soul searching as to why he is even dating /married to someone outside his race with the way he acts. There can be a fine line between funny humor and down right mean racial slurs which I think this guy has repeatedly crossed again and again. So his behavior is no longer an accident. So what if his last black GFs enjoyed such things, his wife doesn't. That should count to him, and not put her into a group. I think many IR couples might joke harmlessly at least a bit, by saying things like" come to bed my sweet night light", or sweetie, "can you smile so I can see you?" however even that should be out done by nicer things like calling each other Sexy, Gorgeous, Handsome etc. I wonder if this guy had a Jewish wife, would he also be overly obsessed with making Holocaust anti-Jew statements all the time? He is obviously an insensitive, immature jerk, and while I wonder how this woman didn't notice BEFORE they got married. I would say file for divorce and move on. Too much of our world is filled with deep hatred, based on things like skin tone, no one should have to face similar racial slurs/ hatred from their spouse.

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    • arlandf says:
      Posted: 15 May 13

      "He is obviously an insensitive, immature jerk, and while I wonder how this woman didn’t notice BEFORE they got married." <----- When you are blinded by superficial things, it is difficult to see a man's character or motives. As I said before, I read the article in Essence magazine and she said that this man treat her better than the black men she dated and got the nerve to cry foul. Yeah he is insensitive, but it is her fault for not looking into that.

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  18.   murph51 says:
    Posted: 15 May 13

    First and foremost anyone who uses the disparaging word and or term "Nigger" is someone without character and someone who shows and has no respect towards others. This is a word that should not be allowed to be used in any language and especially towards anyone and it should be against the law and illegal to use. Maybe then will our young people and others who utilize it as a joke will realize that it's offensive, harmful,indignant and just plain foolish to say and or use. I'm a very proud Black man and have experienced a lot of disrespect from other races but as I've grown to overcome their remarks I've also grown to not want to be like them and use their foul words of disrespect. Honor and respect comes from within for all of us. If we allow someone to disrespect us on a continuous basis the we need to exclude ourselves from them. She needs to consider this for herself if he continues to do this to her even as a joke. There's always time to find someone who will respect and love you for a lifetime.

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    • Sweettoyou says:
      Posted: 25 May 13

      I agree that the N word should never come out of anyone's mouth. I understand that it is used in jest by insiders. When I married into a black family I knew I was accepted when someone laughingly called me "a white N." But if it would NEVER have come from my husband. And white people can simply never use the word. Certain light-skinned children wanted to be able to joke like that in order to be accepted as black: to be "insiders". I would never let them, and they thought I was "square" (as well as white). I never wavered on it for a second, there are certain words that cannot come out of a white person's mouth, or a light-skinned or bi-racial person's mouth--ever. I held my ground. When they were grown they all thanked me. It's called love and knowing where the boundaries are. "Death and life are in the power of words."

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  19.   arlandf says:
    Posted: 15 May 13

    Yes they are normal. Here is the issue. When people get into interracial relationships, especially black people, black women specifically they don't examine the people they are dating and marrying. Other races examine the people that they are dating, especially women of another race that are attempting to marry a black man due to the risk of getting disowned. Black people are caught up on one-uping another that they could be sleeping with a person that hate them. Now I read this article in Essence and I didn't appreciate what she had to say about black men, so here is my take. Should she dump her husband. No. She made her bed now she need to lie in it. That man is better than black men so she got what she wanted. In addition, women like her is off the market so I don't have to deal with her personal issues. Can this man change? No. Once again, she failed to examine this man's motives. It is just like these women that chases bad boys. They knew they were bad, but the were persuaded by so called swag, money etc. In addition, they tried to change them. He is a racist and always been a racist and you really can't change anybody. How can it be salvaged? It is up to the husband to change and I truly don't see that happening because he always been a racist. Unless he has a change of heart, he will never change. My thing is for black people, we need to stop using interracial dating as some game. Asians, Latino(a), even whites themselves don't do this neither should we. When you brag about how you spouse of another race is better than the people of your own race, be prepared of when your spouse let you down.

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    • skygal says:
      Posted: 16 May 13

      I don't really see it that way. Race or Color as it were is a complex issue. If a couple is married and has an otherwise good relationship how on earth could you call the man racist?? Racist? I think that's really incorrect. Racial attitudes and perceptions are of course largely shaped by society, it is inescapable. How you were raised leaves certain marks on you that even after aquiring an education and opening up yourself to new ways of thinking, remain embedded in your psyche. Now, sexuality is even more complex than racialism- and with sex its even more difficult to disguise who you really are what you really love in the sack- especially in marriage I can imagine. So back to the subject- I think that the hubby saying "n***r b***h" in bed is more related to his background and socially ingrained words/attitudes/issues. I would call it a "taboo" thing- you know we all have something sexual we secretly love that we wouldn't admit to. Part of making a relationship succesful is being totally honest with each other both in and out of the bedroom. We live in a very racial world, how on earth do we pretend we don't know the racial slurs? Humour can go a long way towards dealing with some of the akward slurs and situations eg among family and friends. We all have an uncle who will just use a slur without thinking- are you going to be offended each and every time that happens. So, I certainly don't think parting ways would solve anything. As with anything communication and maybe councelling would help this couple. The marriage is still new and it sure sounds like they didn't know each other that long before the wedding.

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