Moving ON...after the love is gone
Last month we talked about how abuse from our childhood lingers and affects our adult relationships. What about the non-abuse traumas? Those relationships that just ended without a warning and blindsided us and instead of moving on, we're spending far too much time trying to figure out "what went wrong"?
I've often heard that women fall fast, but men fall hard, that when a woman decides to let go it's easier for her to move on and get past that relationship. Men on the other hand, because it usually takes them longer to "fall", it takes them a while to get over losing that relationship because they did hold back and resisted and they take on that failure and it strikes the ego.
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Now at no time did you hear me say that men have a hard time moving on to another person, just another relationship. Sometimes. Some men. And with all generalizations, they are just that...general. As with race, not one rule applies to every race and certainly it does not apply to everyone within that race. Not everything here applies to every man or woman. Take what applies to you and learn from the rest.
As I see it, the bottom line to moving on is letting go. That is most definitely easier said than done right? But, if you really think about it, letting go is simply the act of making a decision. You do it or you don't. You hold on to those great memories of all the times you shared (all three of them over a 5 year period). Or you choose to forget about all the times he or she told you they would never lie to you again, (three times a week, every week over a 5 year period).
When we truly decide to let go, what we are saying is that we will no longer let something from our past keep us from moving forward, keep us from enjoying life today. Sometimes we hold on to painful memories as a reminder of what we "won't ever do again". We continue to punish ourselves over and over again so that we don't "forget" that painful lesson. How could you possibly forget it when you're carrying it around on your back like a baby in a backpack? My favorite quote is "Forgiving isn't forgetting, it's letting go of the pain".
Often we forgive the other person, but we never forgive ourselves. "It was my fault", "I should have know better", "Why do I keep making the same stupid mistakes"? Ever had that conversation with yourself? The answers are simple, because you woke up one day and made a decision to love someone else, to trust someone, to give of the most important thing you possess...you.
As with many things, everything isn't for everybody. This doesn't make you any less desirable, intelligent or worthy of love. It just means that the person you choose wasn't the person for you. It doesn't mean that the next person will be the same or treat you the same or that you will make the same "choices" that you made before. But, you gotta try. You gotta love, live, laugh and sometimes cry. If you are a spiritually based person, then you also pray.
Ask whoever you believe in, even if it's only yourself, to assist you in forgiving all past pains and sorrows, hurts and deceptions. To guide your heart and mind, they must both be ready and at a place that is open to accepting true, un-conditional love and acceptance. You can not make someone love you or be true to you. You can only make yourself available to give love and truth. You can make a way for someone else that has made that same choice to connect with you...when you are both ready.
In order to get a love that we desire, we must first let go of the pain. Make new friends and new memories and allow yourself to move on to a happier you.
This is Leticia, you deserve it.
Responses to "Moving ON...after the love is gone"
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MED1908 says:Posted: 31 Aug 07
My husband of only 8 months left me after a 6 year relationship. No warnings--nothing. If we had been having problems I would have been more prepared. The "WHY MARRY ME?" constantly repeats in my head. It's been almost 3 months now and our first year anniversary is approaching.....all the "firsts" hurt like hell. I am stronger than I ever thought. I am slowly picking myself up, brushing the dirt off and wiping the tears away. Some days are better then others. The only thing I keep reminding myself is," You can not force someone to love and stay with you and I am not responsible for another persons happiness, only my own." I take solace in the fact that I know there is someone out there for me but now is my time to heal and hopefully someday forgive.....
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cocokisses says:Posted: 13 Jun 07Siphiwe, write and let us know how you are doing...some of us really do care...
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justknowingu says:Posted: 19 May 07good article..and the comments are good to read as well....!!
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Cocokisses says:Posted: 22 Apr 07
Siphiwe, I am so sorry to hear that you are in such pain. I know it is hard, but find strength in your family, friends, but most of all, in the Lord. Yes you will have a reminder with your child, but children are blessings. You think you love this man so much, but there is nothing that compares to the love a mother feels for her child. I will say a prayer for you and find comfort in knowing that the Lord will pull you through this tough time. God Bless, and be strong!
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siphiwe says:Posted: 01 Mar 07
I am breaking up with the father of my unborn child it hurts so bad,I want to move on ,let go ,but how do I do that if there'll always be this constant remider,as they say time heals all wounds ,
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maishagal says:Posted: 28 Jan 07This article helps to put it into perspective, while representing both genders well.
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ebonybeautyj says:Posted: 13 Jan 07Breakups mean only that something better is on the way!
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Coco says:Posted: 09 Jan 07
Everyone knows its hard to move on after a relationship. Its easier to deal with being in a bad one than it is to deal with the pain of losing someone.
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qtinnephilly says:Posted: 04 Jan 07Its hard moving on after a relationship with someone you truly love...but you have to put that focus on yourself and move on.
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sweetann71 says:Posted: 09 Dec 06I agree good article sometimes its hard to move on from the hurt... but time does help heal all wounds..
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misslady1970 says:Posted: 07 Dec 06MOVING ON AFTER A LTR IS ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS A PERSON CAN GO THROUGH.BUT , THE REALITY IS , SOMETIMES EVEN WHAT WE THINK IS A GOOD RELATIONSHIP, WE TEND TO GROW APART...THEN WE SET BACK AND TEND TO WONDER, "WHAT DID WE DO WRONG"? SOMETIMES IT'S JUST WE WASN'T MEANT TO BE,AND THE BEST THING WE COULD DO IS LET GO OF THAT PERSON ...
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romeoluvs says:Posted: 02 Dec 06Break ups are common so we do not have to grudge about that we need to move on.
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Kara says:Posted: 23 Nov 06What seems to be common to nearly all breakups is some amount of grieving for the hopes about what might have been. Even if it's me doing the breaking up, it is sad when the hope for the relationship is dead.
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Eva says:Posted: 19 Nov 06
Great article. I've been there and done that too. I guess you live and you learn.
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gms77 says:Posted: 18 Nov 06
Break ups help you to grow and define what you really desire..
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Pleasjure13 says:Posted: 14 Nov 06I don't know I guess I am not very flexible in the moving on department.When I love someone it is for keeps. Usually I am the one who continues to hurt while the other moves on with their life as if we never happened.
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mossimo36 says:Posted: 10 Nov 06Great article...enjoyes reading it again just now. Moving on is a good title for my life right now
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Prime6969 says:Posted: 04 Nov 06
It is so hard when any relationship is over,but even harder when a interracial relationship ends because it is so hard to find someone that date out oof there race, but that is the great thing about this site it helps to bring people together that date other races.
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Fala says:Posted: 01 Nov 06
Moving on after a break up is always difficult. I find that a lot of chocolate and wine helps me. Then I get all fat and bloated and worried about how I look so I start working out like crazy and I end up feeling better about myself than when I started. It sounds silly but it works for me.
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chocolady23 says:Posted: 26 Oct 06When you meet someone for the first time you see that your world is complete full of happiness not knowing that one day the same person will bring lots of pain with the words, "It is over"!!!!!You being the cause of it all. If you are in that situation,you will spend three quaters of your time blaming yourself and acting desparate trying to get your love back.The best thing to do is talk about it and keep yourself busy away from the blameful thoughts. It has happened to me and thanks to this article which has helped me move on.
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kaya says:Posted: 23 Oct 06
Great article, moving on is easier said than done, espically when you are left with many unanswered questions. Its important to take time for yourself to learn from your mistakes and not bring the baggage forward. Many times some hurt could have been avoided if we are truely honest with ourselves and with others. Thanks
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CarolinaQT says:Posted: 18 Oct 06
Hindsight is always 20/20, but that love thang will make you turn a blind eye sometimes to things that should make you wary in your new relationship. I say move on, but still keep your eyes open. Like Embrace said, "Learn and Live"!
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ShantaSushma says:Posted: 18 Oct 06
Your article hit on several important principles. First BEFORE we love anyone we first MUST LOVE OURSELVES; also we first must be WILLING to ACCEPT where we are at that moment in life. Last no matter where you go or who you are with, you will ALWAYS be with yourself- thus starting at square one: LOVE, HONOR and RESPECT YOURSELF. A reason, a season, a lifetime...
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EMBRACEME says:Posted: 17 Oct 06
VERY GOOD ARTICLES PEOPLE I LIKE TO KNOW HOW EVERYONE FEELS ON THIS SITE LEARN AND LIVE ..
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iceburger says:Posted: 17 Oct 06One thing I do not understand is, one gives so much into the relationship, and realise when ist a bit late that its not what they expected, and they have to move over.
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Candy says:Posted: 17 Oct 06This is a wonderful article it's in dept..But, it's easier said than done for a lot of people.. I talk to hundreds of people, in I ask them. Why is it when you meet someone in the beginning of the relationship all is well? Than after a while you want to change them? What happened to the person you liked in the beginning? I never seem to get a detailed answer from anyone (yet). So, people why put our self through all that? We’re put on this earth to fulfill a purpose, to live LIFE to the fullest! So why settle with your heart, mind, body in soul? I understand people change, but if someone deeply hurts you, in YOU know in your heart it will never be the same.. Why waste each others time, MOVE ON!!! It’s that easy, it really is.. Ask yourself this question, is a stranger ( your mate) worth all your time, the tears, the pain, the drama, the lying, the yelling, the beating, family/co-workers embarrassment, etc? If you answer No, it’s TIME to make yourself HAPPY!!! MOVE ON BABY, MOVE ON.!! In please don’t look back, when you do 9 out of 10 times you just missed your soul mate, while messing around with your ex.. He/She is an Ex for a reason...
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Kara says:Posted: 16 Oct 06
Trying to move on while still feeling very connected to the ex is pretty difficult. I think it's best to always try being friends first in order to see whether or not there's a true connection and compatibility beyond sexual chemistry and fantasy about who the person really is. Get to know them before falling in love and find out for sure.
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rayman2288 says:Posted: 16 Oct 06
After seeing this article i just had to comment on this one.First OF ALL THIS A NICE ARTICLE I LIKE BECAUSES ITS DEEP BUT I AM GOING TO TAKE THIS ONE TO ANOTHER LEVEL ITS IS VERY EASY FOR ANYONE TO SAY MOVE ON, IT REALLY DEPENDS ON WHY,HOW,WHAT CAUSES THE BREAK UP YOU SEE IF A PERSON PUT ALL THEY GOT INTO A RELATIONSHIP OH YEAH ITS GOING TO HURT ANYONE BECAUSE YOU LOVE THAT PERSON THAT MUCH AND THAT OTHER PERSON DOES'NT CARE OR FEEL THAT LOVE YOU ARE GIVING TO THEM SO TWO YOU ARE NOT ON THE SAME LEVEL AND WHAT REALLY CAUSE THE HURT ITS THE TIME AND EFFORT WASTED ON THAT PERSON BECAUSE IT COULD BE EASILY SOMEBODY ELSE THAT WILL HAVE GIVE THEM THE THAT LOVE THEY HOPE AND DREAM FOR IN THERE LIFE TIME, NOW LETS GET REAL WITH THIS ONE WE ALL KNOW THAT FOR THE WOMEN ITS IS EASIER BECAUSE THERE ARE MEN ALWAYS TRYING TO TALK TO THEM ALL THE TIME ALMOST EVERYWHERE THEY GO,AND TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS THIS FOR A MEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER A WOMEN NOW THESE DAYS SHE WILL TALK TO YOU BE THE BOTTOM LINE IS WHAT ARE BEING TO THE TABLE BECAUSE "LOVE DON'T PAY THE RENT" I JUST COMING TO YOU REAL,NOW I NO SAYING THAT ALL WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT BUT MOST ARE LIKE THAT AND THATS REAL SO FELLA GET YOUR STUFF RIGHT AND BRING SOMETHING TO THE TABLE, BUT THE WORST 3 BREAKUPS THAT HURTS THE MAN THE MOST ARE 1.FINANCIALLY. 2.CHEATING 3. FAMILY MEMBERS AND FRIENDS,OK THE FIRST WOULD HURT THE MOST BECAUSE YOU SEE YOU GIVE AND GIVE BECAUSE OF THE LOVE YOU HAVE FOR THEM AND THEY ARE ONLY THERE FOR THE MONEY AND ONCE THE MONEY GONE THEY ARE GONE,THE SECOND THE REAL NAME IS CALL THE "GAME" WHERE THEY ARE IN THE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU BUT ALWAYS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING BETTER TO COME A LONG SO THE PERSON BECOME TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET AND THEN SHARE TWO DIFFERENT LIVES WITH TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND THAT PERSON DON'T LOVE NO ONE BUT THEM SELF ITS ALL ABOUT THEM AND NO ABOUT YOU AT ALL AND THAT ONE HARD TO GET OVER AND THE THIRD ONE I CALL THIS ONE LETTING "OUTSIDERS GETTING INSIDE YOUR LOVE" THATS WHEN YOU LET WHAT PEOPLE CHANGE THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT SOMEONE BECAUSE WHAT THEY FEEL ABOUT THAT PERSON OR THINK ABOUT THAT PERSON, IT IS NOTHING WORST THEN TO FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE THEN BEING INVOLVED FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME AND THEN SAY TO THAT OTHER PERSON I CAN'T BE WITH YOU BECAUSE MY FAMILY WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOU OR THEM BECAUSE WHO THEY ARE LOVING SO THEY HAVE TO BREAKUP WITH YOU BECAUSE OF THAT TOO AND I KNOW ITS HAPPEN ON THIS SITE ALOT BECAUSE OF THE INTERACIAL REALATIONSHIP SO CHECK YOUSELF I JUST COMING REAL THAT ALL DO WANT TO STEP ON ANYBODY TOES AND THIS ONE HURTS BECAUSE THE PERSON LOVES YOU BUT GOES A DIFFERENT WAY BECAUSE WHAT FRIENDS AND FAMILY SAY BUT NOT BELIEVING IN THE LOVE YOU SHARE BETWEEN THE TO OF YOU SO THIS ONE REALLY MAKES YOU THINK AND THE BREAKUP BECAUSE FRIENDS DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU AS A FRIEND AND DO AND SAY THINGS NEGATIVE TO KILLED THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN YOU TWO PERSON INVOVLED I KNOW YOU FEEL ME WITH THIS ONE SO THE RELATIONSHIP DIE BECAUSE LETTING OUTSIDE COMING IN, NOW THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT THE WOMEN HATE TO BE USED OR CHEATED ON PERIOD THERE ARE NO ANDS AND BUTS ABOUT IT BECAUSE SHE FEEL SPECIAL AND SHE SHOULD BE,THEY FEEL THEY SHOULD BE NUMBER ONE IN YOUR LIFE AND THERE IS NO NUMBER 2 OR 3 ONLY ONE FELLAS YOU FEEL ME, THE BOTTOM LINE IS YES LET GO OF THE PAST IN ORDER TO SEE THE LIGHT IN THE FUTURE BECAUSE IN THE PAST ITS ALL DARKNESS AND YES WE ALL HAVE BEEN HURT BEFORE BUT WE HAVE TO MOVE TO MORE BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS AND LEAVE THAT THING WE CALLED BAGGAGE BEHIND BECAUSE ALL IT IS "STINKY TRASH" THAT WE NEVER SMELL GOOD AGAIN AND MY SAYING IS "WHY LIVE IN YESTERDAY WHEN THERE IS A TOMORROW". BUT IF I MEAN IF YOU FIND THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE HOLD ON TO THEM BECAUSE GOOD ONES ARE HARD TO FIND.I FOUND THAT SPECIAL PERSON IN MY LIFE AND SHE KNOW WHO SHE IS AND I LOVE HERE DEEPLY I AM OFF THIS SITE NOW BUT I JUST HAD TO LEAVE EVERYONE WITH THIS ONE........LATER
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embraceme says:Posted: 16 Oct 06
hmmmm i am glad about whyt boy trying to confess his feelings for his woman about time love... see men all you have to do is open up we women listen lol.
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aantonio says:Posted: 16 Oct 06
Very good article. I know they say there is 2 sides to a story, but i fell in a past relatinship i had that last 2 years, i put in alot of effort to make it work. Yes i was hurt during the split, but i knew this is what had to be done, i knew the road ahead was not going to be easy, but i kept on saying to myself, could i have done anything better to make her meet me 1/2 way. i answered to myself NO, cuz i did what i had to do, i did my homework, to make it last. So i feel alot better to be over it. Sometimes the grass may seem greener on the other side, but most times it not. If you have a good relationship, hold on to it. Dont gamble with it.
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aline says:Posted: 15 Oct 06there are some relationships that are hard to move on from once that love is gone, you feel sometimes no one will be able to love you like that person did and you just hurt yourself and others around you..........
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sandrac says:Posted: 15 Oct 06Letting go is one of the hardest things to do, it's damn right scary. When some one hurts you to the point that you don't think you can breath again it's so hard to cope. We can't change yesterday and tomorrow is not guaranteed to us. You have to look at the situation as if it were a learning experience (it really is) Hang onto the good and try not to repeat the bad. Prepare for tomorrow and let the baggage of yesterday go out with the trash.
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iceburger says:Posted: 15 Oct 06
However much we try to let go, the ex factor never fades
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Whyt_b0y says:Posted: 14 Oct 06
MOVING ON IS HARD TO DO , BUT OFTEN NECCASARY.
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yoby says:Posted: 14 Oct 06i actually think life is full of these exams, which never end!
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NICEFELLA115 says:Posted: 14 Oct 06
that was a very interesting article, i must say!!!
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segue007 says:Posted: 14 Oct 06The bottom line is that all relationships take work. Each party has to be willing to do what it takes to make it work...and sometimes that is still not enough.
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iceburger says:Posted: 12 Oct 06
I also think that in any relationship, those in it should not be attached from hips up. No, they should have their own private lives too.
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brwnsuga says:Posted: 11 Oct 06
This article seems all too familiar with me,because it has happened twice this year.I end up thinking I found that right guy for me.We have great conversation for a couple of weeks,and make plans to meet,but soon after I never hear from him again.I have learned from my mistakes,espectially letting my guard down too easily.Now,I am talking to someone special that I met from the site,and we are talking things slow,but steady!
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Tameika says:Posted: 11 Oct 06
I have just gotten out a relationship, in which i found myself being the other woman, unexpectedly. He started as my friend and we became great lovers. One day the conversation and phone calls stopped. A week later out of the blue, he proposed to his main woman. This has been the worst pain as I have ever felt. To make matters worse, I didn't hear about his engagement from him. Someone else told me. For right now, I am hurting, but time heals all wounds. I have to let go, one day.
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yoby says:Posted: 10 Oct 06
well I think this article can be very helpful for those who have problems with breaking a relationship
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Nice, informative article. There are probably more people walking around with pain so deep and hidden that they've forgotten it's even there, but it surfaces when someone tries to get close, and the defenses go up so high and wide it negates any possibility of emotional intimacy. For some, the pain of past relationships-everything from moderate disapointments to ego destroying humiliations from those you'd trusted-can create a person who desires a successful, trusting, happy relationship but subconcsciously is convinced that it can and will never happen for them. Sometimes a memory of searing pain and disapointment keeps us from ever giving love a real chance-once burned badly enough, forever, not twice, shy.