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Moving ON...after the love is gone

Posted by Leticia, 24 Sep

Last month we talked about how abuse from our childhood lingers and affects our adult relationships. What about the non-abuse traumas? Those relationships that just ended without a warning and blindsided us and instead of moving on, we're spending far too much time trying to figure out "what went wrong"?

I've often heard that women fall fast, but men fall hard, that when a woman decides to let go it's easier for her to move on and get past that relationship. Men on the other hand, because it usually takes them longer to "fall", it takes them a while to get over losing that relationship because they did hold back and resisted and they take on that failure and it strikes the ego.

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Now at no time did you hear me say that men have a hard time moving on to another person, just another relationship. Sometimes. Some men. And with all generalizations, they are just that...general. As with race, not one rule applies to every race and certainly it does not apply to everyone within that race. Not everything here applies to every man or woman. Take what applies to you and learn from the rest.

As I see it, the bottom line to moving on is letting go. That is most definitely easier said than done right? But, if you really think about it, letting go is simply the act of making a decision. You do it or you don't. You hold on to those great memories of all the times you shared (all three of them over a 5 year period). Or you choose to forget about all the times he or she told you they would never lie to you again, (three times a week, every week over a 5 year period).

When we truly decide to let go, what we are saying is that we will no longer let something from our past keep us from moving forward, keep us from enjoying life today. Sometimes we hold on to painful memories as a reminder of what we "won't ever do again". We continue to punish ourselves over and over again so that we don't "forget" that painful lesson. How could you possibly forget it when you're carrying it around on your back like a baby in a backpack? My favorite quote is "Forgiving isn't forgetting, it's letting go of the pain".

Often we forgive the other person, but we never forgive ourselves. "It was my fault", "I should have know better", "Why do I keep making the same stupid mistakes"? Ever had that conversation with yourself? The answers are simple, because you woke up one day and made a decision to love someone else, to trust someone, to give of the most important thing you possess...you.

As with many things, everything isn't for everybody. This doesn't make you any less desirable, intelligent or worthy of love. It just means that the person you choose wasn't the person for you. It doesn't mean that the next person will be the same or treat you the same or that you will make the same "choices" that you made before. But, you gotta try. You gotta love, live, laugh and sometimes cry. If you are a spiritually based person, then you also pray.

Ask whoever you believe in, even if it's only yourself, to assist you in forgiving all past pains and sorrows, hurts and deceptions. To guide your heart and mind, they must both be ready and at a place that is open to accepting true, un-conditional love and acceptance. You can not make someone love you or be true to you. You can only make yourself available to give love and truth. You can make a way for someone else that has made that same choice to connect with you...when you are both ready.

In order to get a love that we desire, we must first let go of the pain. Make new friends and new memories and allow yourself to move on to a happier you.

This is Leticia, you deserve it.

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  1.   Dora says:
    Posted: 10 Oct 06

    Although it is that simple, it isn't that easy. Too many times I thought that I had let go and moved on and then there was something that would trigger all of those old feelings.

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  2.   lizzy2005 says:
    Posted: 09 Oct 06

    I FEEL THAT HOW A PERSON REACTS TO A BREAKUP OF A RELATIONSHIP DEPENDS ON THEIR UPBRINGING AND PERSONALITY

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  3.   UNME23 says:
    Posted: 09 Oct 06

    It was nice to read everbody comments to see how they feel on this issue.

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  4.   Deena says:
    Posted: 07 Oct 06

    This is a great article! I beleve if men opened up a bit more and communicated relationships would be a lot easier. First and foremost both sexes come into a relationship as individuals. Don't stop forgetting who you are and what you want out of life. I've seen way to many of my girlfriends turn into the person HE wants her to be, or she THINKS he wants, and when the relationship goes south she doesn't have a clue who she is! Moving on can be one of the most "free" times of your life because you know you are worth it!! Peace!

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  5.   iceburger says:
    Posted: 06 Oct 06

    Great piece this is. It did say what all should know, but I think letting one go should be the last resort, when all the avenues have been exausted. Starting all over agin is very difficult.

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  6.   yoby says:
    Posted: 06 Oct 06

    well this was for me before a great problem, especially when it came out suddenly without any warning signs... now i can deal with it, I guess it's a matter of getting older (and wiser too!!!)

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  7.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 05 Oct 06

    im trying to move on. my mind says yes, but my heart says no. sighhhhh

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  8.   whytb0y says:
    Posted: 04 Oct 06

    some times it's hard and you do tend to blame yourself ,wondering what you did wrong , but for all you know the other person could just be on some bull poop,myself i just move on , not saying it's easy ,but i don't want somebody that does not want me and it's not worth stressing over something you cannot controll.it's very strange that this article would come up , because last summer a woman i was in love with that i met from my town suddenly left and moved to georgia with out warning , i was heart broken but got over it and just blocked it out , now a year later last week she called me and we met up and we are talking again thing is i never told her how i truly felt about her and how very important she was to me so she thought it was just a casual fling with us , but now i have confessed my feelings and we are going to see what may be .

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  9.   ebonybeautyj says:
    Posted: 04 Oct 06

    Breaking up is hard to do but not impossible. You cant place your whole life in one persons hand,diversify!

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  10.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 04 Oct 06

    i really think its time to move on. i loved this article!!

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  11.   Vita says:
    Posted: 04 Oct 06

    I do believe it's harder for men to get over a relationship if there was truly a great connection. However; we must learn from every situation, make the best of it and move on.

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  12.   Crystal says:
    Posted: 03 Oct 06

    I too have had my heart broken suddenly when a man has just walked away from me with no warning or explaination. It's hard at first but if you just hold on you'll be alright.

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  13.   marquez097 says:
    Posted: 03 Oct 06

    I guess its all a matter of what you really want to do as to trying to move on.

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  14.   misslady1970 says:
    Posted: 03 Oct 06

    Moving on after a long relationship, is one of the hardest things anyone can go through.Yes you often sit back and think, "what if i would of done this/ that"? the truth is sometimes we put to much of ourselves into a relationship, that was never meant to be......Thank you for a wonderful article...

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  15.   romeoluvs says:
    Posted: 03 Oct 06

    breaking up is ofcourse a sad moment but we have to move on.. life never stops.

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  16.   frances40 says:
    Posted: 03 Oct 06

    your blog was inspireing...so very true but also alot easier to say...when there true love involved from only one side it scars u forever and sets your way of thinking with other relationships 4 ever...makes you bitter and takes along time to recover...

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  17.   Charlotte says:
    Posted: 02 Oct 06

    Great story, but can be hard to do.

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  18.   browneye68 says:
    Posted: 02 Oct 06

    yes thats a really hard lesson.... but if you take it as a chance you will grow on it and it will make you stronger you have to go on thats life and we have to look forward

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  19.   Coco says:
    Posted: 02 Oct 06

    You can't move on unless you truly let go, otherwise you're stuck in limbo waiting for that person to come back...

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  20.   romeoluvs says:
    Posted: 02 Oct 06

    surely a great article. thanks.

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  21.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 02 Oct 06

    moving on is one of the hardest things to do..........sighhhh

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  22.   ChoiceLove says:
    Posted: 02 Oct 06

    VERY good article: It is very hard to let go of a love, especially if for you, it was real and strong. There are many relationships that lasted for years before a big break up and in most of those cases not only do you lose a love but you also lose a friend. The hurt and pain is a like double dose of grief. It takes time to let go and forgive and it is better to be completely ready before moving on to another person. If we have not let go of our past relationship, our feelings of the hurt and pain carry on into the next relationship, therefore we are unable to give the new person a real chance. It takes time to heal after a hurt like with any wound. An emotional wound though is something that we have to work on constantly while we do heal. We cannot just put a bandaid on it and wait. Forgive yourself first then forgive the other person in your past, let go of the hurt and you will have the freedom to find a love that will last and last.

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  23.   ebonybeautyj says:
    Posted: 01 Oct 06

    This is one of life's hardest lessons.

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  24.   unclebobo says:
    Posted: 01 Oct 06

    you have to be true to you self then you can be true somebody 1

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  25.   Imamystery says:
    Posted: 01 Oct 06

    You can't ever chose who you fall in love with, and you can't really know everything about a person that you'd like to. There are so many different types of abuse. I, myself was in a bad relationship and it was extremely hard for me to leave that person, because I saw so much potential, and thought perhaps if I am there for him, he'll realize things don't have to be this way. I finally had the strength to walk away. Ultimately, you have to love yourself more than you love anyone else (other than God of course). No one lives your life, or lives with the decisions you make, but you, and to live, you have to be yourself. Regardless of what you've been through, you cannot be afraid to do things, or to put yourself out there, or you just aren't living.

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  26.   honey says:
    Posted: 30 Sep 06

    Gotta do what you gotta do

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  27.   lizzy2005 says:
    Posted: 30 Sep 06

    It is hard to move on when a person u really care about moves on and u still have feelings for them. But eventually u have to do it for ur own happiness.

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  28.   bradlee says:
    Posted: 30 Sep 06

    wise words from lots of readers...but it's easy to tell others what to do or how to ease the pain. if in bad relationship, it's always hard to let go or do the right thing cos usually it involves pain in sum form.

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  29.   Kandi says:
    Posted: 29 Sep 06

    Without change in your life you don,t grow.

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  30.   Coco says:
    Posted: 29 Sep 06

    Moving on is hard. Sometimes we stay in bad situations longer than we should because its easier to ignore things than to feel the pain of loss. Great article!

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  31.   Robert says:
    Posted: 29 Sep 06

    wow. what i can i say about it. First. It was such a wonderful article. Second Time is the best Medicine

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  32.   Robert says:
    Posted: 29 Sep 06

    I really enjoyed the article and i have learnt so much from it.First it cover both gender. I really don't have much to say about it since it is awesome.

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  33.   bradlee says:
    Posted: 29 Sep 06

    Time is the only cure.

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  34.   besweet says:
    Posted: 29 Sep 06

    This is a great article. It addresses the issue for both genders. I my self learned along time ago , to give my self time to heal afterwards. I had to take grief counceling when my mother died and councelor told me she gives the same advise to someone in a break up as she does for grieving. Because when you do break up it is losing a part of yourself you've given in love. And you do need to grieve that part that is lost to you. NO matter what the situation or what kind (good or bad) of relationship. YOu need grieving time, and in turn healing time to get your self together. She suggested a set aside time each day to do this, an alotted amount of time. and each week reduce the time. Always have an activity or something lined up to do afterwards to keep your mind busy, and after awhile you dont spend much time at all if any grieving any more. And then there is the advise my grandmother gave me, SO how much time do you think they spend thinking of you?? A few minutes a day here and there if any?? So why waste any more of your time being tore up over them, than they spend thinking of you?? And dont ponder that question too long cause more than likely they havent wondered about that at all either.

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  35.   Natural72 says:
    Posted: 29 Sep 06

    For me a clean break is usually best. Even if we were friends first, one you past the plutonic stage,it's no turning back.

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  36.   naturallyliz says:
    Posted: 28 Sep 06

    I agree with this article but I think sometimes you have to stop and take a look. There's often a common denominator and it's you. If you're choosing the wrong men to love for whatever reason then it's not a bad think to evaluate yourself and ask yourself why you let yourself love that person.

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  37.   freda says:
    Posted: 28 Sep 06

    great article

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  38.   sweetest1 says:
    Posted: 28 Sep 06

    This really hit home... took me a long time to get over my ex... I think most of the pain comes from feeling like someone doesnt want you... not really from the pain of losing the person. Can we all say the person that broke our heart treated us great and was a good man/woman?? More than likely they were jerks and we are better off without them.

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  39.   Mystify24 says:
    Posted: 28 Sep 06

    Good article. Sometimes we do need to just take some time to heal and think about the red flags we missed and the things we might or might not have done wrong in the relationship. Hopefully we will remember those things before we enter another relationship and avoid making the same mistakes.

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  40.   nehuskerfan says:
    Posted: 28 Sep 06

    Great article. Couldn't have said it better myself.

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  41.   TheWriter says:
    Posted: 28 Sep 06

    P.S. Nice title...why is that song so sensually enticing..? (I know, I know... Maurice's voice, the sax solo, etc., etc...)

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  42.   TheWriter says:
    Posted: 28 Sep 06

    I was taught at an early age that moving on quickly is a good way to avoid pain (new pet replaces old pet) and unfortunately I tried that for years with relationships. I now find -and I can only speak (type?)for myself- that if I forego the grieving process I tend to find myself with the same partner (emotionally speaking) despite my seeking an outwardly opposite person. And at some point I have to take responsibility for that and change myself. I can't continue to be the victin of MY choices. Working on becoming better has allowed me to make increasingly healthier choices. We ALL have some baggage (even if it's only carry-on luggage) and until I dispose of it I'm destined to repeat. I now find that if I take the time to fully grieve a breakup, I tend to be able to come at a new possibility with a freer attitude and a much better chance for success.

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  43.   notshytc says:
    Posted: 28 Sep 06

    It takes time to heal...as this article confirms.

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  44.   charlee1 says:
    Posted: 28 Sep 06

    the best way to get over a broken relationship in my opinion is to give yourself time to heal. oftentimes, people jump into a next relationship still having all the emotional baggage left over from the last one. taking time to recover and reflect on what went wrong in the previous relationship will make you determined not to make the same mistakes in next one. great article

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  45.   Sweetheart says:
    Posted: 28 Sep 06

    I wish it was just that easy to move on. I just take it one day at a time, plus good friends help!

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  46.   HEARTNSOUL23 says:
    Posted: 27 Sep 06

    Nice article! I was in a difficult relationship four years ago and fell head over heals over this person.... well, once the relationship had run its course and he turned out to be a person I would not want to spend my life with, a part of me still loved him and someone had told me that for every month you were with that person, it takes about a week to heal.....so I was with him six months and it did infact take about a month and a half to start thinking about myself again. So thanks for the article.

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  47.   Charmaine says:
    Posted: 27 Sep 06

    Great Article. If you hold on to the burdens of past relationships, you are in essence preventing yourself from receiving the gifts you truly deserve.

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  48.   JADE74 says:
    Posted: 27 Sep 06

    I was wondering when this topic was going to come up. It takes time to heal and to move on. We learn something from each relationship:good or bad.We must learn to also forgive and move forward not looking back on the what ifs.... It takes time to heal from a broken heart...Move on and have faith, true and love to give to someone else that deserve you.

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  49.   TrueHarmony says:
    Posted: 27 Sep 06

    This was an excellent article! Many kudos to you for always bringing such interesting and exciting topics to the website.

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  50.   JoAnne says:
    Posted: 27 Sep 06

    Leticia, I have to say you, you know how to get deep in someones thoughts and give advise very well. Great job on this one

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