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Online Dating: To tell the whole truth or not

Posted by James, 27 May

Most men largely prefer young, thin women. Most women prefer tall, successful men. And when it comes to online dating, the odds of being contacted if you don’t ‘fit the cut’ are much slimmer. Is it really in your best interests to tell the truth if more than 75% of the online daters will dismiss you for doing so? This is one of the greatest dilemmas that face millions of online daters each day.

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If I am a man who is below 5’2”, I know, if I tell the truth, my chances of getting an offline date will shrink considerably. If I am say 55 and make less than $30,000 per year, some will think I am a loser. If a 40 year old woman tells her real age, chances are she will only get emails from men who are much older than her … not the 40s men she is probably after.

The above are examples of people who aren’t online dating freaks or psychos. They are good people … and yet, they still may give in to the temptation to lie. And the main reason most online daters lie about their age, income, body type is because telling the truth has somewhat proved to be a ‘failing’ strategy. It seems in this age where most people are drawn to the superficial, in online dating, there seems to be very little reward for having integrity. So most of us feel that if we can just convince someone to go on a date with us (by altering some info), our chances of being with them increase… except, this isn’t true either because they feel duped by our online descriptions.

Is it in the best interest of online daters to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth? What do you think those who feel they don’t ‘fit the cut’ should do when both telling the truth and lying on an online dating profile have consequences?

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25 responses to "Online Dating: To tell the whole truth or not"

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  1.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 17 Aug 10

    I think honesty is always the best policy no matter how bad it is. That is why my profile is so long and it describes in detail all my flaws and my strengths I leave to be self-evident by my interaction with people. And if they can't see the strengths, then they aren't the quality that I want in a person. Being a Pastoral Marriage Counselor I have seen too many relationships fail and divorce happens because people get together for shallow reasons. They are too looks conscious and/or too money conscious. I read every profile that I come across totally and don't pay attention to how they look unless they look particularly slutty or have too much of a glamor shot because then they probably are a scammer. But I keep it real and many women don't like that and it is true that my success rate is low on internet dating sites. But it is better than ending up with someone shallow that will either dump me before or after marriage. Plus I care more about their religious background and their morality than I do their appearance. I won't be interested in anyone with illegitimate kids as that shows bad morality. If they are divorced with kids, I am somewhat more lenient since they were as least married but still they should have sought premarital and marriage counseling and a good counselor. If good premarital counseling is done, you can determine compatibility before you make that fatal mistake of getting married. I was engaged when I was younger and she cheated on me an left me after five years. But I kept pushing her as far as personality growth and that helped weed her out. She since then has been divorced twice and has a kid from each marriage and is now married a third time to someone who also has a kid and was divorced. So I really dodged a bullet there because she would have divorced me if I had married her and I would have ended up another sad statistic. It is better to be alone than someone that is not compatible with you spiritually and psychologically. We have the highest divorce rate in the world and the moral fiber of our country is going down the drain as more and more single mothers crop up due to lack of good morality especially Christian morality. So I think that if you are honest with your flaws, especially superficial ones such as lack of looks or money, you may end up with few hits or none but it is better than having children out of wedlock or getting divorced later on. Joseph Moyer

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  2.   Member says:
    Posted: 28 Jun 10

    I am Rick Hayes...I am 47 years old and lonesome. I want a female companion. Any women in this room interested? IM rickh@GOOGLE.COM.

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  3.   Member says:
    Posted: 28 Jun 10

    Any black women here for this "white dude?"

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  4.   alexander121 says:
    Posted: 14 Jun 10

    Im a HS teacher and I see so many young children creating false immages to fit in. Adults do this too. The problem gets worse when they start to believe their own fictional immage. Some never grow out of the habbit, and are sad and angry throughout their lives. Worse:when someone believes their false immage and are content with the lie their whole life.

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  5.   Violetq says:
    Posted: 18 Oct 09

    im new to online dating, and i find it silly/pathetic if someone put up a fake photo or tell me lies.

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  6.   PeaceStar says:
    Posted: 19 Sep 09

    Thank you romnomor. I was wondering was I one of the only ones who are given the creeps out by the naked chest pics. I also have a problem with the men with pictures taken from their high school or 20's glory years and the age on the profile is 45+ years old. Or the face and body is 45+ but the age is listed in the 30's. I tell the truth in my profile, because I do not want to start any type of relationship with a lie. And I wish others would try it out. They might even be surprised at the positive responses they will receive.

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  7.   romnomor says:
    Posted: 18 Sep 09

    well said, earthangel.... I have had the same creepy vibes and experiences. I also believe, in part, that like you stated, dressing modestly prevents me from getting responses from men. Then again, what men would you attract that way. I take it one step further and will not engage in flirting, or conversing with men who show photos only of themselves shirtless, espec with no head shot!!!

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  8.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 25 Aug 09

    The object of this exercise for me is to form friendships, meet face-to-face and hopefully meet a love that will last. If I tell you that I am a 5 foot, 300 pound Asian man, the chances are when we meet you will discover I'm not, no matter how brilliant and witty my online banter may be.

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  9.   crimesonrun says:
    Posted: 16 Aug 09

    Dear ladies, As a guy I tell the truth but also I tell the lie that I am lesser than what I am. The sad American tale is that women are starting to critic men the same way men did to women for generations. My southern mother always taught us to watch people and their actions behind the words. If I sense a woman does not want me because of something that is her choice. There are so many wonderful colors of the rainbow waiting for your just approval. So please color outside the lines and maybe the country. WE men do look at thin women, but that is just a preference not always a mandate. I have dated little chubby Italian women and I just adore the whole package. It is the essence of the woman that wins out everytime if she is so true to herself. Have any of you ever stopped to notice, a woman or a man that has the presence of being as subtle as just walking into a room? Sometimes, you feel a shift in the room's energy and you turn one way or another to find the person? That person is usually very developed within. The body may be well matched but beauty and confidence starts at the core.

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  10.   earthangel01 says:
    Posted: 05 Aug 09

    i have yet to find stimulating conversation or anything intelligent on any site i have joined- if it is not a pervert it is a looney tunes that decides to send a note my way- and i have joined and paid for these sites!! wow i muse to myself, "what is it that draws these people?" the reason this seems ironic is that any photo i put on a site will not be a skimpy bathing suit even though i could- or my body parts hanging out! sending messages to someone you like based on their profile is also a hazard- you will not get a return message yet they will stare at your profile 7 times a day- creepy anyone? being out of a 3 year relationship i am saddened to see the way things are going - it ALMOST has me wanting to running back to that extra child that i sent out to the world.ALMOST

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  11.   renee24 says:
    Posted: 05 Aug 09

    when i first made a profile I got a flirt from a 60 year old man (within like 1min) telling me to contact him only if i have a web cam WTF??? otherwise don't bother and he was looking for women 18 and up but below 50 scary!!!

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  12.   renee24 says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 09

    you should always tell the truth and be yourself if your confident in your own skin then you wont have a problem anyone else who can't deal needs to keep moving on.

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  13.   latinonly1 says:
    Posted: 31 Jul 09

    The ugly side to dating online is that there will be the opportunity for some to tell nothing but lies unfortunately. We live in a virtual society, everything is online for crying out loud. But I agree with george, for any relationship to work it has to begin with being truthful. Not everyone shares that same belief.

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  14.   georgeW1001 says:
    Posted: 30 Jul 09

    Any relationship begins by telling the truthe,...and nothing more!! If you cant be honest with yourself, you certainly cant be honest with a potential partner. GeorgeW1001

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  15.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 30 Jul 09

    Dream Very eloquently put! World Citizen, Look, I already have a propensity toward native European men. If you keep on talking like that, you are going to make me move to Europe!lOl. I appreciate your experiences. Thanks for sharing them.

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  16.   _dream_ says:
    Posted: 30 Jul 09

    what is the point of lying to get a date? i have a friend who told me of a woman he talked to for months before deciding to drive up and meet her. he thought she just wanted to take her time having been newly divorced. it turned out she was 10 years older, at least 60 pounds heavier, and disabled. date denied. in the end it wasn't her physical appearance that turned him off- it was the lying. he said if he had known and had talked to her those months KNOWING what to expect, he probably would have overlooked all of it, because she was a truly good person. but he couldn't get over the lie. i've gone out with men who were 5'3 on their tip-toes, and couldn't have cared less about their height. i've been asked out or emailed by men who state they are not typically attracted to big women. you just are what you are, and what makes another person uncomfortable with you is what you feel uncomfortable about in yourself. lying only complicates the situation, and can end up costing you the very person you want in the first place. and why would you want to date someone who wouldn't like you for who you are? are you really willing to date someone so shallow they are more concerned about your income than your intentions, or your appearance rather than you potential? how sad.

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  17.   TnTime says:
    Posted: 29 Jul 09

    In response to the article, I believe everyone should tell the truth. Integrity is important whether in person or online. There seem to be so many rules to dating and what to do or not to do - it is frustrating. I believe the criteria some want others to meet can be unrealistic at times. If a person is truly online to find their match or to be found then they know the importance of holding on to their integrity. It is better to tell the truth, know what you want, and holdfast, than to misrepresent yourself and cause harm to others. Anyone can be infactuated with a picture, but getting to know the person in the picture is much better :-)

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  18.   Austrian says:
    Posted: 27 Jul 09

    Hello, just wanted to give my 2 cents, in our (white) society - being slim is overemphasized - some people, especially women, are 'healthy' looking, because of their genes and women have thinner skin, more fat. IF YOU ARE HEALTHY and feel good about yourself, do not give up for the RIGHT MAN, who appreciates you just the way you are. As a matter of fact, I know lots of wonderful African men here in Europe, who ABSOLUTELY PREFER and GO WILD over women with lots of extra pounds. I myself am slim, wouldn't stand a chance with these men. And I do remember from art school, during figure drawing, these curvy females were just beautiful to sketch. The charcoal flew over the sketch pad, creating the most astonishing pieces of art. I noticed, many heavy set women move graciously - and wow, can they dance!!!

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  19.   Malarki5 says:
    Posted: 27 Jul 09

    @ the previous commentator, sista do check out the book Letting Go of Shame: Understanding How Shame Effects Your Life...by Ronald & Patricia Potter-Effron. it really is a wonderfully written and easy to assimilate book. Very intuitive as well. Also, do get yourself down to a boxing gym and watch your figure change before your very eyes! Trust me! Menelik Charles London England Ps yes, I said a boxing gym!!!!!!!!!!

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  20.   Member says:
    Posted: 26 Jul 09

    i think its important to tell the truth. i am overweight, and i am wanting and trying to lose the weight...i sometimes do feel ashamed and embarassed about it...but honestly, if i wanted to meet a guy, id want him to like me for me, weigh included. my opinion is "what you see is what you get"...i dont want to lie about what i look like, or who i am, if i was trying to find someone who could potentially love me. isnt one supposed to look for someone who would love them for who they truly are anyways?

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  21.   Cruzn51 says:
    Posted: 23 Jul 09

    Lying is stupid. It will backfire on you in the end. I am 51, 5'3" and a 10-12. Not exactly thin or young anymore. But I put my pretty smile on the main photo and a body shot (from a good angle of course)and put them both up. I attract real men, often younger men who like the fact that I look younger. A few years ago, I walked into a restaurant looking for a handsome man in the picture, saw only 2 old old guys at the bar and walked out. 1 of them followed me out and told me he was my date. Needless to say, he didn't get a second. Another man failed to tell me he was only 5'2". In my heels, I was taller than him and couldn't find him in the crowd waiting to be seated at the restaurant. He was angry that I looked over him and didn't see him. It was his fault. He said he was 5'7"! Honesty is the best policy for everyone!

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  22.   bardoville says:
    Posted: 14 Jun 09

    I think it's best to tell the truth even tho it's sometimes very hard... Where looks are concerned I personally think that everyone involved in online dating should own a webcam... I agree whole heartedly with World Citizen: look for friendship first. It's less likely that people will lie about themselves if the topic is friendship; the pressure is off and people are more likely to be themselves... And I agree with Fire321: no one lying to me will get passed the first date (or even the first ½ hour of the first date!)...

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  23.   Delphine00 says:
    Posted: 31 May 09

    I agree with Fire321's comments. If you lie in the beginning, then all chances of creating a meaningful relationship hang in limbo. I once encountered a man who was crying about having misled a woman that he now sought to marry. Once you weave the web, it is very hard to un-weave it. What kind of relationship foundation do you have if at its base you have lies?

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  24.   Fire321 says:
    Posted: 30 May 09

    If you are seriously trying to meet someone to build a relationship with, lying will only destroy any chance of that happening. Who wants to date someone that starts things off with lies and deception? Think about this, there will never be anyone that will be perfect or have ALL the qualities you seek in a mate. Relationships are about compromise. Hopefully, the person you're interested in will have enough of what you seek and you both will have to compromise on the things that don't "fit" out criteria. The bad part about online dating is people can be who and what they want because they have no intentions of actually meeting face to face. However, there are many that are really in search of a mate. I personally prefer someone being honest about themselves. Believe me, there will not be a second "meeting"/"date" if they are not who they say they are from the onset.

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  25.   Austrian says:
    Posted: 27 May 09

    I am brand new to online dating. I heard of great success stories. I also heard of a tremendous amount of dishonest descriptions and false pictures, which are to be expected, when we take into consideration, how much dishonesty is practiced, when people meet personally. Online, the seduction for lies is even easier. I agree to the results of surveys, regarding dating criteria, which is important to women and men in general. Reading self descriptions and 'what' people are looking for, prove, that the greatest problem lies in wanting the 'PERFECT'!!! mate. Unfortunately - in reality - oneself may NOT BE EQUIPPED with what this perfect individual is looking for. Have you noticed, how the one of desire, may have a desire for someone else? The happy, truly satisfied couples, EQUALLY WELL MATCHED - over a long period - are not found that often. I am convinced, it is a LOSS OF VALUABLE TIME, to be dishonest in any type of dating. My advice is: Firstly, look for FRIENDSHIP - leaving the option for what ever may grow from an honest relationship with equal values and desires - it could result in a PERFECT MATCH. The advantage: No lies, less insecurity, less disappointment regarding looks, less putting down and hurting each other. When casually meeting, someone may fascinate you with their charisma or good smell - CHEMISTRY! Take it slow and easy - DATING IS COMPLEX and should bring success!

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