Can sex with a stranger be intimate?

Posted by James, 19 Feb 09

The guru Dr. Ruth Westheimer writes about improving intimacy, which is a key ingredient for sexual satisfaction.

Two strangers can’t really be intimate, no matter what they do together sexually, because while their bodies may be joined, they’re emotionally and mentally disconnected… Sex with someone you barely know is more like masturbation than intimate sex. Sex without intimacy can be pleasurable…but it’s not complete.

Excerpt from the book 'Dr. Ruth's Top 10 Secrets for Great Sex'

And here I was thinking that that intense one-night-stand I had once upon a time was PRETTY intimate ... if you know what I mean ;-) . So, what consists an intimate sexual act? Do you agree with Dr. Ruth ... that a one night stand is equivalent to taking matters into your own hands?

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48 responses to "Can sex with a stranger be intimate?"

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  1.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 16 Oct 10

    Sex outside of a committed relationship is never going to be intimate. As a marriage counselor, I have counseled many couples with marital problems and most often what ruins their relationships is the past when they had sex outside of marriage. It causes psychological scarring and baggage that is brought into a serious relationship when one finally DOES want to settle down and get married. And what is done, can't be undone and it makes it that much harder for couples to be truly emotionally, spiritually, and psychological intimate in marriage the more they have had sex with other people outside of marriage. Sex loses the true meaning of cementing a serious relationship together with real intimacy. Sadly enough, they have to find other ways outside of sex to be intimate with each other on a deeper level because sex for intimacy is ruined because of past shallow associations with people they weren't committed to. They can still have great sex in their marriage but it doesn't mean much to them emotionally and certainly isn't intimate. Mad, passionate, sex, is not linked to intimacy many times but often is just lust or sex drive but it doesn't require intimacy. But sex amongst a committed couple is more fulfilling and deep and can bring deep intimacy if there isn't baggage to ruin it. So it is all in what you are expecting from sex in marriage or sex in general. If you are just out to get your rocks off, then you can have sex with almost anyone that you find attractive that is good in bed. But if you are trying to use sex for real intimacy and deep fulfillment, then you had better wait until you are in a committed and loving relationship. Choice is all yours. I don't think Dr. Ruth really knows what true love really is and she is just worried about enjoying sex which is honestly not that hard if you know what you are doing and many people do but there are plenty of things in the world to enjoy besides sex and yet they don't have experts on that because they come more naturally like hobbies or passions for sports or collecting or things like that or like in my case, learning more and more about my areas of expertise like psychology and theology and my love of cats and also helping others. Those are passions of mine that make my life fulfilling that I don't have to ruin sexual intimacy with a possible wife someday in order to appreciate. It is all a matter of disciplining yourself and channeling your baser instincts like immediate sexual gratification to other areas of greater quality depth. It isn't the easiest course of people to follow but it is the most altruistic and peaceful one that gives me confidence and the peace to look in the mirror without shame and the calm to sleep calmly with no regrets at night.:-)

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 23 Oct 10

      Sex outside of a committed relationship is never going to be intimate. As a marriage counselor, I have counseled many couples with marital problems and most often what ruins their relationships is the past when they had sex outside of marriage. It causes psychological scarring and baggage that is brought into a serious relationship when one finally DOES want to settle down and get married. And what is done, cant be undone and it makes it that much harder for couples to be truly emotionally, spiritually, and psychological intimate in marriage the more they have had sex with other people outside of marriage. Sex loses the true meaning of cementing a serious relationship together with real intimacy. Sadly enough, they have to find other ways outside of sex to be intimate with each other on a deeper level because sex for intimacy is ruined because of past shallow associations with people they werent committed to. They can still have great sex in their marriage but it doesnt mean much to them emotionally and certainly isnt intimate. Mad, passionate, sex, is not linked to intimacy many times but often is just lust or sex drive but it doesnt require intimacy. But sex amongst a committed couple is more fulfilling and deep and can bring deep intimacy if there isnt baggage to ruin it. So it is all in what you are expecting from sex in marriage or sex in general. If you are just out to get your rocks off, then you can have sex with almost anyone that you find attractive that is good in bed. But if you are trying to use sex for real intimacy and deep fulfillment, then you had better wait until you are in a committed and loving relationship. Choice is all yours. I dont think Dr. Ruth really knows what true love really is and she is just worried about enjoying sex which is honestly not that hard if you know what you are doing and many people do but there are plenty of things in the world to enjoy besides sex and yet they dont have experts on that because they come more naturally like hobbies or passions for sports or collecting or things like that or like in my case, learning more and more about my areas of expertise like psychology and theology and my love of cats and also helping others. Those are passions of mine that make my life fulfilling that I dont have to ruin sexual intimacy with a possible wife someday in order to appreciate. It is all a matter of disciplining yourself and channeling your baser instincts like immediate sexual gratification to other areas of greater quality depth. It isnt the easiest course of people to follow but it is the most altruistic and peaceful one that gives me confidence and the peace to look in the mirror without shame and the calm to sleep calmly with no regrets at night.:-)

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  2. Posted: 14 Nov 09

    Seems like this was a somewhat heated debate of opinions. LOL I, on the other hand beg to differ. Strangers having sex can be very intimate; providing u don't just DO IT for the sake of lust. And I'm sure those out there who know me would probably say, "Of course YOU would disagree!" Strangers meet, no matter the length of conversation, they somehow feel what each other need. Sometimes interest in sex becomes more of a need than a want; feelings brought on by loneliness, lack of, etc. When two strangers can have heated moments of passionate love making, looking into each others eyes, no words spoken because each are going with what they feel and it happens naturally & not planned; then yes they do become emotionally & mentally connected. One would have to be MATURE and have experienced this to know what I'm saying here. When the above mentioned takes place & each have explored heights of pleasure w/this stranger they have never experienced with anyone else; when each has fulfilled the other's NEEDS how can they not be emotionally & mentally connected. These moments of heated, and I do mean HEATED, passionate love-making; when no words need to be spoken, only what u feel are experienced, what else can it be? It would have to be two "nuts" trying to get a nut to not understand this one. LOL, can't wait to see the feed back on this one!

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  3.   Bumpslick says:
    Posted: 29 Apr 09

    k

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  4.   Smile4242 says:
    Posted: 31 Mar 09

    I think this goes with the "sex vs. making love" comparison. Sometimes you want some passionate animal sex, and sometimes you want to make love. But even the passionate animal sex is more intimate when you know the person well and care for them.

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  5.   Member says:
    Posted: 18 Mar 09

    Dear Interested How did I ignore your points? You have a complex when a black man disagrees with you. Yea, I am a sociology graduate, not a student that majors in it. What exactly your points have to do with this topic? Jog my memory? From my understanding, you like black women that are educated instead of the "ghetto girls". I am just paraphrasing what you said. You dodged my comments for some reason. You want to critique grammar and spelling. Just become an English professor. Good day

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  6. Posted: 15 Mar 09

    Queens, Since you have decided to ignore all the points I made, from here on out, I will do the same for you. Peace out.

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  7.   Member says:
    Posted: 15 Mar 09

    Dear Interested I am sorry you feel that way. I assure you, I earned my degree. Frankly, I don't care what profession you work in because it has nothing to do with the topic. If you were coherent enough to worry about the topic and not my personal life maybe I would listen to you. You said this in your last statement........... "By the way, I am a white man who is more than happy to date black women (particularly educated ones)." I don't know what you mean by "particularly educated ones." I would assume the ghetto black girls are not your taste. Anyway, thanks for the comments. By the way, all my personal information is on my blog including my profession. Good day

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  8. Posted: 15 Mar 09

    Queens, You are a disgrace to educated people, particularly sociology majors (like myself). Frankly, I don't know what profession you work in, but it must not have high demands for professionalism, coherent thought formation nor correct spelling and grammar. If you'd like to prove me wrong, you have every opportunity, but so far, you have scored very low. By the way, I am a white man who is more than happy to date black women (particularly educated ones).

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  9.   Cree44 says:
    Posted: 13 Mar 09

    Hi Imarose, Thank you for your comment and you are correct. I beleive that Mr. Queens and I have disengaged. Best, Cree

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  10.   imarose says:
    Posted: 13 Mar 09

    RE: "My personal observation about black women is accurate. I have tested my theory and some men will agree with me. A majority of men agree with me then disagree with me. Ummm... Mr. Queen, I think you and I have had a fairly nice exchange with no verbal blood shed on either end. So if there is one in the bunch, then we know a general statement really doesn't stand. Also, I don't take what you say personally because I know who I am, how I am and Whose I am. I'm not to say others don't, I'm just saying how I approach this. But yes, as you know, I do take issue with your general approach at times, it can be a little caustic. Your personal observation about the women you have encounter in general may be correct, but as it pertains to black women in totality, you are wrong. I can say that because of my circle. From the sista who has a masters degree and is married to a brotha and wouldn't think of ever being with anyone outside her culture to the sista who is a nurse and has been married to the same white man for 20 years (both nappy and happy like myself). Not to mention the many beautiful inside and out black women I meet along the way. That's not to say I don't run into the kind of person you are speaking of, but are not the norm. I've come to the understanding that if you are looking for something, you will alway find it, especially a fault. When I was growing up, no matter how hard I cleaned the house, my mom would alway....ALWAYS, find something wrong. Part of that was becaused she cleaned houses for a living, the other was because that was generally all she could see base on her experience, the negative. I don't know who started it and don't really care, but it seems that both you and Ms. Cree44 are dishing it out pretty good. What is the goal of your comments on this site (I'm speaking to everyone)? Is it to enlighten or enrage, to impart knowledge or close the door to it? If we want to spew rhetoric as I am know to do from time to time, then we really need to know our audience is, so they will be more apt to listen rather the close the door to our well meant words. If you just want to state your case with no thought to the fact that some people may get their feelings hurt and feel the need to stike back, then maybe you should consider that maybe what you really want to do is argue... Well then, you have accomplished your goal, end of story. My opinion? Mr. Queens and Ms. Cree44(are you part Indian girl? lol) You both need to call a cease-fire and start over. You both are smart and make some very good points and may even be able to find some common ground. Y'all have a Blessed and Prosperous Day! Peace!

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  11.   Cree44 says:
    Posted: 13 Mar 09

    Mr. Queens: You are correct, this conversation is totally off topic,but I have enjoyed it. I am sure that we will encounter each other in future conversations and actually discuss the topic. Before we disengage I must let you know that you are right, "you can not judge a book by it's cover", in the same way you can not judge people by the color of their skin. The majority of those who date and even marry outside their race are able to see beyond the shell of a human being. One day I would like for you to expalin to me exactly which traditional value compromised by an interacial relationship. Cheers, Cree

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  12.   Member says:
    Posted: 13 Mar 09

    Dear Cree It's such a nice morning today. (Looking out the window). It seems to you that I would have better insight into people, as a whole, because of my degree in sociology. Then you turn around later on in your post and say sometimes education produces an "educated jackass". Perhaps, if I agreed with everything you said I wouldn't be an "educated jackass". Perhaps, you would sit down and have lunch with me like I do everyday with educated black women that have no clue what I write about. My main point is, you can't judge a book by it's cover. My personal observation about black women is accurate. I have tested my theory and some men will agree with me. A majority of men agree with me then disagree with me. The problem with some "so called educated black women", they confuse their personal dislike for me with the message. I can separate my personal feelings about you when we talk about "issues". The fact remains interracial dating does not help black women. Statistics show white men pick you last to date. As for your comment calling me a caveman. Again, your entitled to your opinion. I rather be a caveman that believes in traditional values than someone that compromised my values so " I wouldn't be alone". Unfortunately, many black women do this. If I degraded black women, I wouldn't be engaged. This was an interesting discussion. Totally off topic but good. Mr Laurelton Queens

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  13.   Cree44 says:
    Posted: 13 Mar 09

    Dear Mr. Queens, First, I am going to comment on this topic by saying "NO" it is not possible to be intimate with a stranger. You can be physical with someone you do not know, but intamacy is a another state of being that being emotionally and mentally entwined with another. Now I will address you Mr. Queens: With a degree in sociology it seems that you would have better insight into people as a whole and understand the negative effects of racism and sexism. The way you spill out vulgarities and degrade woman, of African descent, leaves a very vivid impression that not only do you dislike but also detest women of this particular ethnicity. As far as your assumptions are concerned I could assume that a third grader has the capacity to determine that you are a hateful bitter little male with the intellectual equivalency of spit, but I WOULD BE WRONG; In the same way that you are incorrect in your assumption of a correlation between of my education, and my ability to handle my financial affairs. Furthermore, I do not have an issue with a man or woman of any ethnicity dating someone of another race. I am not the relationship police, and believe as long as what a person chooses to do is not illegal, unsafe, or infringing on the rights of others it is not my concern. And women are much more intelligent than you give them credit for, because a college degree does not make a man, instead in some cases it just produces an educated jackass, and who want to be bothered with that regardless of their race? And maybe it is just a reflection of how you perceive the black woman that allows you to conjure the thought of being picked last, could last possibly be the choice you would make? And God has blessed me with the ability to distinguish the qualities that separate a true man from a male. Also, it would be absolutely impossible for me to disrespect you. And for the record Troglodyte means cave dweller; someone living is a cave; caveman; prehistoric; outdated. And your comment about my teeth just solidifies that my impression of you was correct. And by the way, God has blessed me with the ability to distinguish the qualities that separate a true man from a male.

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  14.   Member says:
    Posted: 11 Mar 09

    I see you commented on here too. This is my thing with you. Troglodyte, most people do not know what that word means. You remind me of these educated black women I use to date. They could read off a dictionary to you. Yet, they are stuck in debt over their head. By no means am I a genius. I have a degree in sociology. College was rather easy if you ask me. This whole idea that I dislike black women is false. You must have majored in psychology. If I am the example of why black women date outside their race. Then I must be a good example because most black women who date outside their race are upset at Professional black men dating white women or/and that we are womanizers. God bless you for wanting to be picked "last" when it comes to white men. At least their nice about it. Good day Please forgive the teeth comment I thought you were trying to disrespect me.

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  15.   Cree44 says:
    Posted: 11 Mar 09

    Mr. Queens, I can not say that you are racist, sexist or etc....instead I would say that on your best day you are a mean spirited TROGLODYTE and a perfect example of why African American woman date and marry outside of their race. Why should the color of our skin condemn us to a lifetime of subjection to your ignorance.

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  16.   nitaj says:
    Posted: 07 Mar 09

    Josh(interesting name..wonder where it came from....mmm) please do not pity me. You are young and smart, unfortunately you are also ignorant. So my prayer for you is to just live. And each time you breathe, know that Some One is doing something for you. It is not insulting, it is evident of a lost world filled with sin and distortion of absolute truth. Yes God created sex and it is good, no doubt. But He also gave us a free will that we can control. Physiology as it pertains to the reproductive system is different than the willing desire we all have for sex. So don't get it twisted. Once again, you can control and choose who you decide to have sex with, masturbate party etc. Ask yourself why do you do it? Are you not looking to be satisfied or fulfilled in some way? Of course you are as we all are. The term intimacy according to the dictionary has been interchange with sex, another reason it is necessary to study etymology-words and their origns. The term is used often as you speak to help us be content with our choices, but as you grow and develop wisdom, you will find out that there are no shades of gray: it is black or white, right or wrong. No judgment just mercy will triumph. Remember not a sermon just a thought. And as for the bible, to me and to thousands of others it is absolute truth and a guide to live decently and right. Now you say that it is mythical and only accurate in some of its historical content. Well, there will be a day when one of us will be able to say "I was right". I am confident of that as I am about intimacy. You keep living and keep in touch, I would like to know where you are in 20 years. I am having faith that you will live to find out!

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  17.   shirley says:
    Posted: 06 Mar 09

    intimacy with stranger is only physically. minds are detacted, even if the sex is very good it is irrelevant ... some may mistake the feeling of excitement and the physical joy brought by the stranger as intimate and love, but in fact they are quite different.

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  18.   JoshLind29 says:
    Posted: 28 Feb 09

    Once again should we define intimacy? in?ti?ma?cy ? [in-tuh-muh-see] 1. the state of being intimate. 2. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group. 3. a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan. 4. an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names. 5. an amorously familiar act; liberty. 6. sexual intercourse. 7. the quality of being comfortable, warm, or familiar: the intimacy of the room. 8. privacy, esp. as suitable to the telling of a secret: in the intimacy of his studio. So, that being posted I'd have to say yes to Dr. Ruth. Sexual intercourse is intimacy therefore you can be intimate with a stranger. It is written by someone who wants you to believe that is the meaning of the word so it must be true. Right? You shouldn't argue and say that a dictionary is wrong and I shouldn't quote from it. What about when quotes from the bible come out of nowhere. Sure, the bible is an accurate account of historic events. It is also peppered with myths and fables used by our ancients to help them understand their world. When in actuality the bible is a collection of ancient documents and campfire stories written by who? The Romans. It was a tool for the newly founded religion of the old empire to keep the populace under control and force unity amongst neighboring civilizations. I don't want to offend anyone but when you try to say people have sex with strangers or smoke pot or party because they have a Jesus size hole in their heart I pity you. Not once in my 29 years has any thing of all knowing power or knowledge ever done anything for me. Of course I'm a bit bias on the subject because my theological view of life is based on science and proof. Its like this. The male human has testicles that produce sperm all day and night. And once his capacity to hold the seed in is maxed, he will release it if he wants to or not. It isn't that he is perverted or that he thinks with his 'other' head its just that he instinctively needs to get rid of it. Be it through masturbation, copulation, or even nocturnal emission he is doing what his body is telling him to. That isn't 'God', that is just a part of the male make up. Female humans have ovaries which produce eggs for the seed in which the male releases. Instinctively, she is looking to find a seed for her eggs. This doesn't make her a whore, or loose. It just so happens that human beings have addictive personalities and find great pleasure in orgasms. This is why sex is so popular to us. Not much different than drinking to be drunk, or gambling. Dolphins are the only other known animal to have sex for pleasure. Why aren't we out at sea telling them they need to stop what they're doing because its wrong. Nearly every living creature on this planet needs to reproduce through seed and egg. Except for a few, worms for example. If you try to say that humans aren't animals and that we are some form of special creation of divine magic, obviously your faith is so strong that your intelligence is jaded by something that no one has or will ever prove. For some reason it has been forced into the public that casual sex, or sex before marriage is the ultimate no-go. I personally have no desire for one night stands or hook ups myself. If that is what you want to do, that is just fine with me. Being near other humans is a need we have as a species and if you want to spend your time with other humans partying, doing drugs, gambling, and giving one another orgasms it isn't something to be ashamed of. And you shouldn't be so judgmental just because it isn't what you wanna do with your life. Obviously, if God disapproves of this behavior wouldn't he be able to just make us stop? But that is a question that would be answered with another fabled and jaded retort. I personally don't think that sexual intercourse is intimate with someone you have no emotional attachment to. But since the dictionary plainly says that 'sexual intercourse' is intimacy should I just change what I think since a book told me so? Or should I let my own morale compass guide me through my life and let others be the person they want to be? I don't know but I'm not afraid to accept what I can't change and to make the best of what little time I have to be.

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  19.   mermedz says:
    Posted: 28 Feb 09

    About this thing "sex"-out-of-love...people tend to take the attitude these days..that if two people consent to have sex mutually,and agree that its not to be a lasting involvement,and no one's hurt,then what's the harm in it?the "harm" is that something of value -"sex"-has been devalued.It has been casual and not worth all that could be derived from it.The sin of sex-out-of-tie is not that SOMETHING WAS GIVEN,but that NOT ENOUGH WAS GIVEN,which is the cause why most of these people later on still feel empty with a newly added sense of loss after that and get undermined by a sense of lack of self-worth..thats what the sense of loss is all about..its not about your body..but your emotions.

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  20.   sassysam says:
    Posted: 28 Feb 09

    We are becoming a culture that relates only on the physical. While the physical has its initial excitement, what is there beneath that if we are unable to relate to others in a spiritual and intellectual way then there is no true intimacy. Intimacy means more than the act of having sex. Intimacy is knowing a person's like and dislike and growing alongside a person. The reason that the divorce rate is so high is that people mistake sexual attraction for LOVE. People also try to make a relationship out of superficial foolishness. It is hard for me to find a man because I am looking for a true partnership on every level. I don't want to just be the sexual interest, I want to be the intellectual challenge. There are those men out there of every race who find it hard to handle a professional, independent woman, who loves her family and her job. I am not here to compensate for a man's momma issues, nor is he there to work out my daddy issues. I hate when women say that they dont need a man, because I find that to not be true, I need a man for the testosterone that he brings to the table, that sense of strength and protection that emanates from them - if they are the right man. Plus someone has to kill the few critters that I am too scared to face. lol. Lighten up people stop spending so much time trying to analyze why we are attracted to the people that we are, the only time we should seek help is if the pattern is self destructive in nature.

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  21.   nitaj says:
    Posted: 27 Feb 09

    I applaud the men who were honest enough to assess where they are in their sexuality(and yes Steve harvey new book points that out. It will change for you all men hopefully as you grow up and become mature men). A good read for both sexes. We are different-go back read my comment. it would have cleared all this up and then we would not have had to read the comments of this ignorant profanity speaking fool. Laurelton, I suggest you go reconcile with your father. Prejudice and racism are not the same look it up. However the point you made about women being viewed differently and often judge harshly because of sexual promiscuity is on point. But you missed the point. And most of you did. The question is can Sex with a stranger be intimate? Stranger, intimate please use Webster people. These to words oppose each other. If the question was can you become intimate with a stranger you could say for semantics sake, yes, but then it would only be physical intimacy. So we should ask Dr. Ruth to clarify her question. We could have physical intimacy with anyone and it be just that. However don't be ignorant. There is a cost to this type of behavior. Look at the rapid growth in STD statistics/Aides. You will become-in some kind of way, attached to the person you casually lay with. Even if you never see them again. Your mind is a terrible thing to waste. It does not forget and it will cost you with evidence of relationships that will follow. For the fellas that said sex is a must and we all do it, that is true. So do animals. The difference is, we get to choose. We get to make intelligent conscientious decisions on who we want to share our most sacred self with. And that is the spirituality the ladies are referencing. As for the 20 year old. I hope you have a mentor. A mature female and male that can help you develop your thinking. I am not judging you. I am encouraging you and all of you discretion will preserve us all. And lastly. I remember the foolish behaviors of my youth(immaturity) and would put it in the perspective of the Apostle Paul: when I was a child(immature) I thought as a child(immaturely) and spoke as a child(immaturely), and one further, acted as a child(immaturely), now that I am older(mature and wiser), I have put away those childish things. Each of us will get to the place where we will realize that life goes a lot further than sexual satisfaction and the void that comes with chasing that ghost. And when that happens, I pray it happens for each of you-some of you already know what I am talking about, then you will have a healthier perspective about sex and your sexuality. The void that one tries to fill with casual meaningless sex (masturbation) will only be filled by God. Yes that is right. Sex, alcohol, drugs, partying, making money, etc. none of it will fulfill the void purposely left when God blew breath in our nostrils and we walked away from that intimate relationship with Him and He became a stranger to us. Now we look for love and fulfillment in all the wrong places, including sex with strangers.

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  22.   Member says:
    Posted: 27 Feb 09

    Thanks for the comments I mean I look at it this way. Society promotes a double standard that is true. The fact that men can sleep with several women and be considered a stud is just how society is. Now if a woman sleeps around she is considered a slut. For good reason in my opinion because women simply cannot do what men do. They would be looked at differently. Let me ask the men a question in here would you marry a woman that told you she slept with 50 men? Enough of this politically correct bullshit. I have heard women say they would never be with a man that was a virgin because "he wouldn't know what to do sexually." It is not the fact society is jacked up. We are jacked up to think it acceptable to have casual sex. There is a big difference between attraction and "lust". Also another thing if a man sleeps with you on the first date does he call you back and say " Girl let's get serious". No, he may fuck you a couple more times "if your good" than it fades. Lastly Interested said That I am racist, sexist and some other kind names. I hate to say it but we are all prejudice to some degree. As for sexist, my father was sexist and was an "old school" type but always took care of the family. Of course we differ on opinions but that is still my father. In conclusion If you can't respect your woman how the hell your going to have a serious relationship with her. After she said she had 2 men at one time in a threesome. She tells you this over "dinner". Some men on this board would be like "Uh" yea baby no big deal if men can do it then you can do it. I would say bitch are you crazy! I am out

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  23.   JoshLind29 says:
    Posted: 27 Feb 09

    I don't believe that you can have intimacy with a stranger. Sex and love/intimacy are two completely different things. I believe that sex gets better when you practice with the same partner. Although you could hook up and have great sex and fall in love, there has to be underlying emotional issues in your psyche. But I agree with Swickem, it's different when you hook up with someone that you've known as a friend and even if it isn't great it isn't bad. And Laurelton Queens, how can you say that a sexually active woman is whoring herself out. And so what if she's doing it with a white man or a black man or whatever race. We're all the same except for our ancestral origins. So much the same that if I needed blood or a kidney, it wouldn't matter what race the person was because its all the same. Anyway I'm a firm believer that sex is a part of human nature. And you can't help who you're attracted to it just happens. I think its funny that as a man I could go out tonight and have sex with 3 different women and bam, I'm a stud. If a woman goes out and does the same with 3 different men she's a whore? Our society is all jacked up in that aspect. Sex is what we do. I know everyone thinks about it and everyone has their own way of doing it. So anyone who would judge someone in such a manner should really step back and get a better view of the world around them. Sorry for the rant, you guys are all awesome. Have a great weekend!

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  24. Posted: 27 Feb 09

    To Mr Laurelton Queens: Congratulations! You have taken the gold medals for racism, sexism and hypocrisy! Anything else you'd like to add to your mantle of shame? I can't imagine what other offensive and mean-spirited things you can say, so let's just hope you spend you time at work in a more constructive way than you do in harassing others online.

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  25.   swickem says:
    Posted: 26 Feb 09

    well i mean if any one has gone to college or a new years party you have probably done something sexual with a stranger or some one you barely know and arent taht close too. but think about a time you hooked up witha friend and it wasnt planned?..it was really good wasnt it..because it was more than just sex...because yall were attracted to each other naturally an no each others personalities..so you could give them more of what they wanted and its more passionate..so i must say..sex with some one you know is better..now maybe your friend was terrible..but some how it was still good..because of tension..you cant fight what your body craves..if u could drug addicts could giv up crack or herione like that. but defnitely..better with some one you know because they take their time and actaully want u for a reason not just to get off

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  26.   MaKKDogg says:
    Posted: 26 Feb 09

    Sher, Sex is intimacy My bootyfull black sista no offense taken. I was mad yesterday but i got a promotion today (;o) so I will take the reference to steroids as you saying Im buffed he he. Laurelton Queens, I thought racism was a symptom of ignorance; a human can date any human they choose, so stop with the nonsense, Mr. Blog dat.

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  27.   Member says:
    Posted: 26 Feb 09

    There is many lovely ladies on the site. I would just like to say that. The only problem is some of these attractive black women need to stop being loose with white men. After watching CNN to be Black in America, which I plan to address in my upcoming blog. Some sellout black women in particular need to stop being loose trying to look for love. You can't do what men do at all. Just because men sleep around does not mean your ass can do it. Just like if you tried to play me in basketball you would lose. I have to go to work. Last but not least, you "older" black women are in particular "real loose" talking about you like "my legs". Whoring yourselves is a disgrace to yourselves and whoring yourselves to a white makes you a national shame in the black community. Stand in the mirror backwards because you can't face yourselves. Mr Laurelton Queens

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  28.   sher says:
    Posted: 26 Feb 09

    Makkdog no offence but I think you should lower the dose of steroids as it is messing with your brain. Your thought pattern is all over the place. OK take your time.... think..... and slowly, yes slowly try again to post your thoughts. This time try to make sense.

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  29.   Diy says:
    Posted: 26 Feb 09

    Sher, I agree with you girl you are very right on what you say. Nitaj, I agree with you too. I sugest for every woman who can to read the Stevey Harvey book. it has helped me to understand a whole lot more how men think and why they think the way they do. Nitaj, you said it right men are visual and we are emotional. well, some of us that is. :)

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  30.   Diy says:
    Posted: 26 Feb 09

    First of all define Stanger? and how long before you do decide to become intimate that makes him no longer the stranger? cause truth be told no matter how long we could be with a man/mate they are always strangers to us in the bedroom. Though I do agree with sex being a spiritual thing and a physical thing but as a liberal woman I believe that is all up to us whether or not we do become intimate or not with out fear of how we will be judged. But there is a big difference between having sex early in the relationship but what if you all have been talking for a while and getting to know each other? How much you communicate with hiom makes a difference. I think but that is my opinion. I have become a firm believer on what Steve Harvey says in his new book, Act like a lady think like a Man. give him 90 days before we give up the cookie. after all is up to us not them. Just a thought. :c)

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  31.   lana480 says:
    Posted: 25 Feb 09

    Well I have had both casual sex and intimate sex. However, if I had to choose I much prefer intimate sex. I dont knock casual hook ups and I agree with interested07, I dont feel there is a moral difference between the two. It's just a matter of individual preference and self fullfillment.

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  32.   MaKKDogg says:
    Posted: 25 Feb 09

    This is not a yes or no question, Casual Sex can be risky and it can be everything you ever wanted. The Dr. has lost it to be intimate is to have sex so what is she talking about. You think that hooking up is breaking down our moral fabric, have you lost your mind it must be that time of the month. First of all Men tell it like it is without worry of labels, on the other hand Women are to emotional and insecure to do what they want so they hide from day one. The ugly dude you grew up with is getting all the girls good and bad why because he can keep a secret. So I guess if Denzel Washington say lets hookup you wont be able to! YEA RIGHT.

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  33.   Lylbaby says:
    Posted: 24 Feb 09

    I disagree with the doctor to a certain extent. I believe that sex with a stranger can turn into alot more. Men are always trying to get women to have sex and when they dont then its a big deal and we become ugly or what not, to be honest, those are the type of people you NEVER have sex with anyway. I am only 20 but very mature, and I pick and choose who I want to be with. The persons(strangers) demeanor can tell alot about if they are willing to build an emotional relationship with..

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  34.   shannan1972 says:
    Posted: 24 Feb 09

    I'm going to disagree to an extent, only because it depends on the person your with. VERY RARE-granted, but there are those men that can think with more than one body part, and when they put their mind, soul and body into it, then thats a major experience. Those that can do that though are never a one night stand it progresses to more. AGAIN VERY RARE!!!! But there are a few out there that can do this, intimacy and sex together with a first sexual encounter. I have found these men to be shy, and you dont realize them by seeing them. You wouldnt really know it at first. Just my opinion though! RARE-BUT POSSIBLE!

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  35.   tyrmusician says:
    Posted: 24 Feb 09

    I personally can see the men's and women's side of it, I have had a few encounters like that, and I for one didn't find it all that much more satisfying than doing it myself, I would prefer a girl to be there physically, emotionally and mentally. Sure, a one night stand might be fun at the moment, but if you're having it cause you're lonely at the moment, you're most likely still lonely afterward. I have also found talking to people online that I have grown a bit attached to, when I or they sign off, I'm left somewhat empty cause what I really want is to be around them, not just have sparse conversations. Just my opinion.

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  36.   sher says:
    Posted: 23 Feb 09

    Our sole brave and goodly gentleman, proves once more that men are from Mars and women are from Venus... Not only are our anatomical makeup different but also our physiological. The fairer sex thinks with their brains while our counterparts with a specific part of their lower extremities. I guess we have to agree to disagree on this one.

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  37. Posted: 23 Feb 09

    I think respect between men and women has a lot more do to with what happens outside of the bedroom than within. How about respecting women's contribution to society at work and at home? Oddly enough, men (besides myself) don't seem very interested in discussing this topic. So, you can make statements about spirituality and morality being so important to sexual behavior. However, I haven't seen anything explaining this connection...no evidence at all. So if you want men to understand your point, you're going to need to do a better job of "enlightening" us.

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  38. Posted: 23 Feb 09

    Sher, I applaud you for your mature and emotionally stable insight! I agree with you that casual sex is indeed "causing the break down in moral fabric of our society" as you so perfectly stated it. In addition, not honoring another person's mind and spirit has caused an extreme lack of respect between the sexes. We need to start making our spirituality, not our sexuality, our main priority in life. The other will fall into place naturally and relationships will be much healthier for this choice. One or two people making the choice will not make a difference nor will taking the "easy" way out.

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  39. Posted: 22 Feb 09

    Interesting discussion and topic. To Dr. Ruth's point, I would agree that in a sense one-night-stands are like masturbation in that the point is to get off/ enjoy yourself. And I don't see anything wrong with that. Sex is a natural human need and we need to meet that need one way or another. So, I am perplexed when people describe such activity as immoral. What's immoral about it? I say it's the difference between eating fast food cuz you're hungry and sitting down for a nice feast of your favorites foods that have been slow-cooked and you take your time to relish every bit of it. There is no moral difference between the two. Just depends what you're looking for.

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  40.   nitaj says:
    Posted: 21 Feb 09

    All the ladies seem to get this: All the single ladies, if he likes it then he "should" put a ring on it.(I'm talking committment, developing a courtship that should go further than the bedroom). I agree with Dr. Ruth and especially sher's last comment. Why does it seems like all the women get this? Well because we are wired through our heart and emotions. Men are visual and physical and the only thing they respond to at first is what a woman looks like and if he could or would "get with her". So from the time you meet, his assessment is whether he can have sex with you. If he can't, then no worries, you may become friends, if he thinks he can, then you may get wined and dined once or twice. The one night lay is just that. When a man is not interested in knowing you, you are just a "lay" If he wants to develop a relationship, which is what produces and creates intimacy, then he will take the time to "know" you. Remember in the bible Adam knew Eve, Jacob layed with Leah, but waited(7 years) to know Racheal. Not a sermon, just a thought.

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  41.   PinkyLee says:
    Posted: 21 Feb 09

    I agree totally, sex without intimacy is just sex. It satisfied the short run but in the long run I am still lonely.

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  42.   asucar says:
    Posted: 20 Feb 09

    I agree with Dr RUTH, I prefer not have sex at all the have sex with some one I don't know.Afterward I feel dirty unsatisfied,to me I have to have emotional ties with the person that i give my self to.To personally it has to 100% body and soul.

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  43.   sher says:
    Posted: 20 Feb 09

    I do not believe that sex should be had with a stranger. Sex is the giving of one's self to another and is equally as spiritual as it is physical. I know in today's world a lot of people will scoff at my response, but it is the truth. People are casually "hooking up" and causing the break down in moral fabric of our society. People need to get to know each other before embarking on what should be a sacred journey of exploring each other, anything short of this is masturbation or even worst, an appearance on one of those talk show trying to find out who is the baby's daddy!

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  44.   Member says:
    Posted: 20 Feb 09

    Hey Sher I ain't pay attention to what you said. But damn girl your attractive! Damn Remind of that girl from the movie "Baby Boy" with Tyrese in it. What is her name?? Damn Like I said it had something to do with race. Stop letting white man taking advantage of you. Ya dig. Take it easy http://mrlaureltonqueens.blogspot.com/

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  45.   sher says:
    Posted: 20 Feb 09

    Mr Laurelton reasoning is so skewed it is pathetic, are you aware of the premise of the statement. Where in the excerpt or the statements uttered was the color or race mentioned? You are so blinded by color that you fail to see....

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  46.   Member says:
    Posted: 20 Feb 09

    Dr Ruth is full of crap. Sellout black women in their desperation are getting intimate with pasty white men and receiving no commitment out of the deal. Once sellout black women stop being loose maybe more men with respect them. I am tired of trying to show them the way. I am only one black man on this earth. Stop looking for a "White Man Bailout" http://mrlaureltonqueens.blogspot.com/

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  47.   sk1963 says:
    Posted: 19 Feb 09

    I agree with Dr.Ruth. Sex, in that manner is just physical expression. Unless developing emotional attachment is instantaneous. There is no emotional attachnment in such situations!

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