When Interracial Dating Hits Home!!
"My Son is dating a white girl!!"
"I'm so torn. I've always thought that people should be with who ever they love, no matter what color, religion or regardless of what other people think or say, but..." This is what I heard after I answered a phone call. If it was anyone else I would have to wonder if there was some prejudice in their heart that they just haven't come to grips with. But, we're talking about my oldest dearest friend. Her comments and my reaction was an eye opener for us both.
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Let me start by telling you a little about my friend. She was the one person in high school that everyone knew and liked. Like many schools then and now...the cafeteria was indiscriminately segregated with black students at one table and whites at another. She was the lone little chocolate chip sitting in the middle of the vanilla wafers. While many where out there enjoying the sounds of hip hop and R&B, she would be listening to the Eagles, Barry Manilow and Elton John. She has dated more white guys than black, although she did end up marrying a brother, twice. Even now she lives in a predominately white neighborhood and her children attend a predominately white school. So, tell me why was she surprised and dare I say upset, when her sixteen year old son started...dating a white girl?
After I got over my initial shock and reminded her of ALL the white guys that she dated (by name and physical description...cause that's what good friends do). I asked her if she would feel the same if her teenage daughter were to date or even marry a white guy and her response surprised me. She said "NO"! Huh, why the double standard? Why would her daughter dating a white guy be okay, and her son dating a white girl be so troubling to her?
Well, as a young girl she spent the majority of her childhood in mixed company. However, her parents, grand-parents, aunts, uncles, all of their friends were all in relationships with people of their own race. In fact, she was the first one in her family (that she knew of), that ever dated someone of a different race. She grew up seeing, hearing and feeling the joy and pain of those relationships. When she looks back all she remembers is that "ALL" the men had affairs and outside children, and most of the women were not very happy. It was if they all had "settled".
Somehow, she translated this to if her daughter had more choices she would have a better chance at finding the happiness that eluded her mother's generation. As for her son, honestly, she thinks that he is such an amazing young man, with so many great characteristics like loyalty, honesty, and gratitude. He is such a first-class "young man" that in her eyes; it seems unfair that yet "another" black woman may not have the opportunity to know the love of a strong black man.
It's not that she has a problem with the young lady being white; it's just that she know what it's like to be a young black female and not have AS MANY choices when it comes to dating black men. Immediately I think of the young girls in Africa that were selected to attend Oprah's school, created especially for them. I wonder about how fortunate they all are to receive such an amazing life-changing gift of knowledge, education and opportunity. Then I think about our young black, well educated American women...who will they love? Who will love them?
There is no secret that we have more black men in prison than in college. More are killed than live to retire. My friend wants her daughter to be able to select the best man for her regardless to what color he is. See, I think that sometimes prejudice isn't about hate for another race, but the love of yourself and the deep desire to want the best choices for the people we love...regardless.
The truth of the matter is..."my friend", doesn't really care who her son dates as long as she cares for him and treats him and herself with respect and dignity. She's not expected to "make" him happy, but, add to his happiness. In the big picture, her race isn't important, it's just another aspect of a young relationship that may or may not make it to prom season.
The big eye opener for me was learning that somewhere inside us all is that little boy or girl that's holding on to past feelings, regrets or hopes that if we're not careful, can manifest themselves in unhealthy and unproductive thoughts and actions that we pass on to our children. In my perfect world we would all love each other with no regard to the color of our skin. I just hope that we are around long enough to live there...in my perfect world!
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68 responses to "When Interracial Dating Hits Home!!"
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Carameltone says:Posted: 29 Dec 08I don't care what the race is as long as they date and respect my daughter like they would there own race even if I had sons i would feel the same. I have all races in my family I have a white sister in law, my nephew is married to a Mexican, I have a brother dating a white female. I never had an interest in dating out of my race, but I have spoken with many and I sometime think about ti more now so it is ok as long as the love and respect is there
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Angela says:Posted: 06 Dec 08People come on God sees no color or age when it comes to love. Don't look at people as black and white. God created us in his likness which is called HUMAN RACE. Society put lables on color not Jesus. You don't know what man or woman God has ordained for you to be with. He doesn't care about skin color, age, rich or poor. God is Love.
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Member says:Posted: 03 Dec 08
"There is no secret that we have more black men in prison than in college." JL: That is NOT true. A review of the research that started that myth indicates that "the sample for college-age Black men was limited to 18-22 year-olds....while the prison sample ranged from 18-65." How easy it is to fool the public....because few take the time to examine the methodology, samples, etc. Non-traditional Black male students like myself would NOT have been included in this study. I also strongly suggest another review of the common belief that "70% of Black children are raised in single-parent homes." The CNN special, "Blacks in America," provided a stat conveying that "46% of Black women have never been married." That number supports similar stats. If 46% have never been married, what does that mean?! It means that "54% are either married or divorced." Thus, that puts that "70%" figure in a much different light. Many of those children are being raised in homes where there is either a single-parent who never married or the parent is divorced.
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jpro says:Posted: 01 Dec 08There is no secret that we have more black men in prison than in college. More are killed than live to retire. My friend wants her daughter to be able to select the best man for her regardless to what color he is. See, I think that sometimes prejudice isn't about hate for another race, but the love of yourself and the deep desire to want the best choices for the people we love...regardless. The cut and paste above is the hidden misguided and abused truth in this kind of IR Opinion. It seeks first to diminish the reality of racism to favor ones choices and secondly it suggest to others as a reasoning to those choices... The larger fact being that the black female does live a double standard when it comes to IR and that more or less "you go girl" when it comes to her sisters and negatives when it comes to her brothers...... The majority of those that date IR have a predisposition to do so and that profound when it comes to black and white. That why the most of the topics on IR will be concerning black and whites. The sad reality is that many of the reasons for IR dating or simply not good reasons and they tend to further complicate the matter. The fact that black men are used as a step ladder and doorway to these relaitonships not only furthers the problem they create a rift in the black poulation that is long over due for a fix. None of us male or female date for or because of another and that including our IR relationships. If and when these relationships and the individuals that indulge them take on the reposibility for their actions as well as the factual reality of IR many of its issues will be resolved or at least have a beginning. While it remains to be said to be the result of a shortage of black men, the long standing stereo types and more often left out " a game os status hide and seek " Ir's will be problamatic and chore for those that indulge them......
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Member says:Posted: 16 Nov 08
first, & foremost; I wish to commend the writer. Of their indepth perspective. this is the exact type of material that our youth need to be circulated. As we know so many of them aren't exposed to positve images... I plead with you to continue to provide this non bias information... Congratulations...
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thekid47 says:Posted: 15 Nov 08Well, point number one, there is only one race, the human race. Point number 2, it is amazing to hear the various opinions of 'gave x ethnicity a chance and they didn't do the job' or 'most of x ethnicity is in jail'-it is as though there are images in some folks minds that they have to fight with, as well as dealing with whether their children are or are not, dating someone of another ethnicity. That is the sad thing. The hopeful thing, is that there are those who don't have the opinions above, don't regard happiness as 'doing a job' or 'there are no "good ones" around'
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Layne says:Posted: 20 Jun 08my son married a white girl. they are having my first grandchildild in august. my daughter in law feels that i talk about color too much. guess what, shes gonna really hear it when that baby is born. she is a really plain looking girl. my son is very handsome. i think he settled because she took care of him. shes alright. we really don't have a relationshiop neither with my son. its alright. i pray for them and the baby. she has a drinking good relationship with her parents. her dad is a drunk , you know a functional alcoloc. they appear to love my son. that's good. i am proud of my heritage and i know the stock i came from . my son knows this also which is why i was really surprised that he wanted to marry his wife. don't get me wrong, i love all people. i was rascistover 40 years ago. i did not have the grace my parents did growing up in the south. i think they were better people about this thing. but now im gonna be a graandma. im excited abouit it. he going to be a beautiful baby. God bless you. i have dated white, latino and carribean men. all different. all had their quirks. so goes the human race. I love all men and i love the God in them.
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marie says:Posted: 18 May 08why when we are in the year 2008 are ppl still not over the past? I myself am a white female that dates black men and I do not see that there is any difference, nor why some people should have a problem with whom i choose to date or their ethnicity!!
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Studman says:Posted: 22 Feb 08I feel that my personal choice in that I choose to date mainly white women stems from my personality, the way I talk, speak, and my general manners. My black women have passed me over and I find myself more accepted by white women than I do with black women. I don't hate on any black women for being with a white man but I feel that some black women think that we owe them as a race to date only within our race. I believe this a wrong idea because oftentimes it is that interracial attraction and interest that makes two people of different colors more exciting, vibrant, more exotic, erotic, and many times I have often heard that white women even prefer black men if they get a good black man who will treat them right. I think in how a black man is treated by black women may be the reason why so many black men go for white women, they are looking for something that black women do not do for them or they are looking for white women because maybe they feel that sexually white women have known to be less inhibitied in expressing their sexual feelings and doing things to turn a black man on. On the other side of the coin it is common knowledge that the majority of adult entertainment stars are hot and beautiful white women because many black women do not put themselves out there like that and they feel that their bodies and what they do sexually with a man is more of a private thing. I could list a ton of reaosns why I like white women but then again many black men can also list a ton of reasons of why they choose to white men. So you can go back forth with that argument until you are blue in the face. The bottom line is no one should be hated upon just because they prefer to date outside of their race, as long as two people love each other and treat each other with mutual respect then who cares what the racists think? Let them alone in their own world.
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phattkitty says:Posted: 12 Jan 08Thanks Fala for your support. I took your advice and did ask. He considered his son bi-racial, and so does his son. He said his son has the best of both worlds. So i guess it wasnt as hard as i had thought. Thanks again, much luv. p.s I couldnt find the site to post my comment, i got my ans. back in Oct.
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ruthere says:Posted: 04 Jan 08
Well that was an awesome article. I'm sure there are going to be more good ones on this site. I am new here so hello to all who read this. I guess one of the things that we all can learn from this "interracial dating" thing is this, when my grandmother was alive she taught me to treat people the way that I wanted to be treated. Unfortunately not all people follow that same rule. I am an American black man who just happens to live in a predominately white neighborhood. My son and daughter are two of the 20 black kids in their school. I'm so glad that I taught them what my grandmother taught me..."we treat people the way we want to be treated"!
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jade74 says:Posted: 30 Dec 07Hello Cocokisses,Mossimo and Fala. I'm back. Thanks. Ive missed you too.
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Linda says:Posted: 26 Dec 07
gr8 article indeed and i totally agree with the sentiments... this whole notion of "...not too many choices amongst our black brothers..." is accross the board... am in South Africa and as educated and career successful women - we are seriously struggling to find the "right" black man... i guess hence i'm on this site... interesting
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katlego says:Posted: 18 Dec 07I live in south africa and this past weekend I went to an interracial wedding where a black guy was getting married to a beautiful indian lady...what a beautiful sight. Seeing two totally different cultures coming together was inspiring...its really up to people to be open minded & be accomodating to different cultures & religions. Things could be easy...but we always choose to make them difficult...when it comes to interracial relations.
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Cocokisses says:Posted: 03 Dec 07I agree Moss...where the heck is Jade74? WE MISS HER!
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JIB says:Posted: 01 Dec 07I was married to a white woman for nearly 24 years and had three beautiful daughters (aren't all daughters beautiful??? :)). When that marriage ended my awakening began in earnest to the possibilities of an interracial relationship. I met and married a black woman and while that marriage will end soon I will definitely be looking for another black woman. What my 3 oldest white daughters choose is up them. Their happiness is up to them and their mate regardless of his color. I also have 4 adopted black children an 2 black stepsons along with an adopted white son. I have raised these children to judge by character, not by skin color, but I doubt that that will have any impact on who fall in love with or that person's color
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Cocokisses says:Posted: 30 Nov 07
Mica, maybe you didn't feel that you deserved anyone other than "a murderer, a heroin addict, a crack head" and so forth. I would like to think that you have not only grown as a woman, but you have found that you are worth way more than that. When you find value in YOURSELF, then you can freely give the same to another. I wish you well in your new relationship. I truly hope you know that you are worth much more than you have given yourself credit for.
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Fkoi says:Posted: 30 Nov 07Quite an article. I have a such a Pollyanna view of the world at times. I think that love is love and crosses all kinds of boundaries. It has for me and I forget sometimes about the struggles and the sound reasons that people feel the way they do. My maternal grandfather married a woman of Germanic background (read Not Irish) and to make matters worse she was Lutheran (read Not Catholic). Both of those created quite a bit of a stir on social and religious fronts. On my Mom's side there was a marriage to a Native American and the subsequent offspring were a dirty little secret for generations. I could never get on board with Jews only being interested in other Jews until it was explained to me that the holocaust gave Jewish offspring more emphasis as necessary to keeping that culture alive. And today in our culture, a case could be easily made that "good" young Black men are dying out and a race along with them. My vote doesn't really count as I don't think that I'll be having any more children. My lack of racial, religious and ethnic boundaries in my love life carries over to my children. If my daughter introduced me to a young Black man (or even woman) and said, "Dad, I think this is the one," I'd be much more interested in his prospects and how he treats her and makes her feel than in the color of his skin.
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mica says:Posted: 29 Nov 07
this was an eye opening article, but i have 2 say white men r not always the better choice. I am a 30 year old white/hispanic woman & have A LOT of relationships with white men. I've been w/ a murderer, a heroin addict, a crack head, 2 drunks, and many more losers i don't even want 2 get into. Finally I have found a man that takes care of me & my kids, he don't cheat or do drugs he's perfect. I luv him & plan 2 marry him soon he's mixed black & white. After 15 years of dating white men i finally found the kind of man I've been looking 4 outside of my race. I don't see him as black I see him as a strong man I will spend the rest of my life with.
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Peachezzz says:Posted: 27 Nov 07I think the article was interesting and had some very good points
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Fala says:Posted: 19 Nov 07
Hey Jade! Where you been? Check in in chat some time and say hello. We miss you.
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Member says:Posted: 15 Nov 07
I understand that she wants her son to marry a black woman but ultimatly i think its his choice love has no color and if u love someone it shouldnt matter what color the other person is today there i a lot of racism i delt with it my whole life i dated mostly black men and women hated on me all the time but i have come to realize that it shouldnt matter the color of ur skin and if ur kids date black white or whatever color we all bleed the same and u should let ur kids date whatever race they want no one race is better than another and no one is better than another we should all just love oneanother no matter what my daughter is mixed and she dates white guys my son is mixed and he dates black women but i never taught them that color and love have a name called racism i didnt raise them like that u have to love them and let them find love their way not the way u think because of ur past thank you kimberly
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Fala says:Posted: 13 Nov 07
LMAO@Coco - I think a lot of folks on this site forget their meds on daily basis.
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Jabali says:Posted: 10 Nov 07I think finding love is the toughest thing in the world. So tough, that there are a good number of people who don't even believe it exists. Thus if two people, whether of the same race or not, find each other, that should be a source of joy and not a reason for racial analysis! That's my take.
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roman101 says:Posted: 09 Nov 07
Where did these black women get the statistic that says only 1% of black men are good enough? That's prejudice and they are trying to pass it off as a legitimate concern for their sons. I find that the success stories in interracial marriages are of black women finding white men much older than them and the few black men who find interracial partners are much younger than the white woman and the woman are not so gorgeous. The truth is that if you have been disappointed in love you tend to be attracted to older people who seem much kinder and more trustworthy. Is this about race or about age? I think black women in support of this article are merely perpetuating a racial stereotype.
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Cocokisses says:Posted: 07 Nov 07
Rachael, talk about a double standard! You might want to re-read what you wrote. I think you forgot your meds that day with that crazy insane rant!
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Darklicious says:Posted: 05 Nov 07Very good article and yes it does make every black mother think, as for me being the mother of 2 black males, I consider them to nice boys for some woman one day. I have told my boys to date whomever they want, regardless of the color of their skin because we have to remember that there are terrible black women out there too and I don't want my sons with them. I am willing to accept whatever girl that they choose but at their ages now, 27 and 21, they seem to prefer black females and that's fine too as long as they aren't drama queens. My oldest son is dark skin and when he was in high school the black females said he was too black so I told him to leave them alone and just dtae white so we have to remember that we as black people still have that light skin mess in us and sometimes it's taught to the children so before I let any black female tell my sons that their skin isn't light enough, I prefer that they date white only. The white girls have always prefered my oldest son anyway so whatever. I just wish we didn't really pay as much attention to the skin color but we do and we as blacks have to admit that we are more prejudice against each other than whites are to us.
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Sakary says:Posted: 04 Nov 07It's good to talk about this issue, anywhere in the world, even though it is also ages old topic. Not a long time ago I watched again the movie Guess Who's Coming To Dinner. That 1960s' classic is still worth watching and thought-provoking piece of drama to all of those who wonder where the "racial boundaries" (imagined and factual) really are.
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Fala says:Posted: 03 Nov 07
Good point Whyt Boy. That story really puts it out there in your face. And the sad thing is, I don't Dog is all that different from most parents or people out there. I think if most were honest they would tell their kids the same thing - the same way.
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rachel says:Posted: 02 Nov 07
I agree its ok for black women to date white men. but for black men to date white women is just wrong all the way around wrong!!!Black men have plenty of options and could easily say no to white women advances to date. but black women options are very limited when it comes to black men and then when they go around dating white women it narrows even more. Black men who date white women should be ashamed of themselves.
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Whyt_b0y says:Posted: 01 Nov 07
Talk about it hitting home .yall know that show DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER .well his son felt the hit .it seems dog the booby hunter has a nasty mouth and is a racist .As dog is heard using the N-word several times in a conversation with his son about his sons girlfriend .man i wonder how blacks in hawaii are gonna look at him now . i realize everybody makes mistakes but racism is not a mistake though forgivable if one truly repents and in my opinion is inexcuable in any case, but not repenting so your tv ratings do not fall or to save your job .. if anybody would care to read it ,heres the link to the article entitled 'Dog'Chapman sorry for using N-word. just copy and paste the link into your web browser http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071101/ap_en_tv/bounty_hunter_slur;_ylt=Aq3puEop6XoYzWQrK6LKWhZY24cA
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leopard07 says:Posted: 30 Oct 07
I agree whole heartedly with this woman having anxieties that are different for both a daughter and a son. I have the very same issues. I dont really want to see good decent honest black men just give up on beautiful gifted black sisters for another race. The problem is black women have hardly and I mean 1% of of black men are a dream come true and that forces us to be open minded and receptive of others, but other races have a choice where we do not. Black men have a choice and its frightening because if only 1% succeed then that means other women are been exposed to those negative cultural problems that black men have. But it dangerous when all women are going after the successful 1% so there is bound to be a scrum. For me I am not prepared to give someone that level of importance because I am important if not more important and others must and should understand that the black man maybe important but if we black women stop producing them them there is no more black men to be had!
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Alaru says:Posted: 30 Oct 07
I agree that there is no shortage of men--including black men who overwhelmingly marry and are involved with black women. Limiting ones choices in any regard seems illogical to me. Like a self-imposed restriction.
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Ann says:Posted: 29 Oct 07It already has and I'm perfectly happy with my future son in law.
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phattkitty says:Posted: 28 Oct 07
Fala, thank u for your advice. I will try it. Wish me luck!
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Fala says:Posted: 26 Oct 07
Phattkitty, I think you should ask him. Say just what you've said here. I'm sure these are issues the father has thought about or had to deal with already.
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hoganfan says:Posted: 25 Oct 07
If only the world...especially ours in the states...can accept the fact that a man and a woman reguardless of race can be happy...in love...maybe we can all change!
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phattkitty says:Posted: 25 Oct 07
I am online dating this wonderful man who has a bi-racial teeenage son and i have seen pics of him. The child is a spitting image of his father,(who is caucacian)just a darker version. I am not sure if he sees his son as a blk male or a bi-racial child. I would like to ask, but can't bring myself to, because i don't want to offend him; or over step my bounderies. He did raise his son alone and i would really think that it would be very hard to say his only child is a "blk male." That would mean no credit to him raising his child and them sharing the same bloodline. That really wouldn't seem fair in anyone's eyes. I would love to get his opinion on being a white parent raising a "blk child" in such a society as ours. If any caucasian men care to give me their personal real life opinion on raising bi-racial/AA sons :specifically, i would be very appreciative.
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phattkitty says:Posted: 25 Oct 07
I too found the article very thought provoking. I really never thought of "saving" our black sons for black women. I believe there is no blue print for falling in love. However, most blk women tend to still look for their ideal blk man. Personally, i feel that i have the same right as them to look and date outside my culture and race. I do prefer white men, because i find them very attractive. A co-teacher thinks that I need to give blk men a chance, (I am 15yrs her senior) i have given them a chance; they just didnt do the job. So i decided to move on to something new. Aparently she has not walked in my shoes, so she doesnt know the facts. I stopped defending blk men and their bad behavior a long time ago. I do not intend to live alone for the rest of my years. So...break out, break away, take a chance, you might be pleasantly surprise.
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Legs34 says:Posted: 24 Oct 07We have options as black women, its up to us to explore those options. I am so tired of folks saying there is a shortage. I am a black woman who has always had a thing for white men, it had nothing to do with a shortage of black men...I also like hispanic men, and native american men....the options are out there, its up to us to explore them. I agree the article was a heavy hitter...kudos.
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I think that the article was interesting and well-written but was fascinated by the many comments posted. I'm a white male who has had relationships with ladies of many different etcnic backgrounds over the years. I've never considered race to be an item of concern. I'm much more interested in the person and our relationship, whatever it may be. There is no race component in the words lady, woman, daughter, wife, or lover as far as I'm concerned. I've also helped raise a young lady of black and hispanic descent. Her father is a convicted child offender serving time in a state prison and her mother kicked her out of the house when she was still in high school. This was during a period when the father was between prison terms. This young lady has not had an easy life. We have no blood relationship but she considers me her Dad and I consider her my daughter. When she comes home from school on holidays and breaks, she comes to my house. She just graduated from college in December and is currently pursuing a post-graduate degree in nursing. She makes me proud to be in her life. I don't see race. I see people.