Scheduling sex – maker or breaker?
Ever reached the OMG-we-haven’t-had-sex-in-a-month point of your relationship. Well, if you have ever gotten here or have just gotten here, I am sure you must have considered scheduling sex into your agenda. And this is when it really hits you – your relationship isn’t going so well.
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Sometimes, especially when those little brats we really love are in the picture, most couples take up scheduling sex as a means of getting some nights of peace and quiet. Your partner wants some every night, you don’t feel like having any coz the kids have sucked the little energy left in you, then it calls for some scheduling. And after some thought and some serious sex negotiations, you manage a “Dude, you’ll get it twice a week tops᾿.
Well, twice a week is a little too long to wait if you ask me. And then suddenly, those two days become moments of "damn, today is my next appointment" and of course “do it and get over with it᾿ great sex sessions of ‘two willing’ participants. And before you notice, you dread the two days and your partner suddenly doesn’t want any.
Is scheduling sex the ultimate kiss of death? Do marriages last once the scheduling begins? I am a bit cynical about all this coz I believe in sexual spontaneity. Make me believe it works and why.
9 responses to "Scheduling sex – maker or breaker?"
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SEWilde says:Posted: 18 Oct 09bigeyes31, I remember being not only skittish about being married, but down right against it. You're right, it does take serious commitment. My cousin called marriage a death sentence. I won't go quite that far, but I understood his reasoning. I agree with you about the sense of "selflessness and a desire to please your spouse," in relation to marriage. My hope would be for him to desire me to the same degree. I would like to think of marriage as being more of a collaborative effort. "Scheduling" sex does seem like a questionable thing to do, but I guess if the couple had long a distance relationship, or a relationship on the rocks, 'some' sex is better than 'no' sex. Still, the prospect of 'no sex' in a relationship for me, is a cause for concern, but if I was married, I'd be more willing to work something out.
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SEWilde says:Posted: 18 Oct 09
TricciNicci, I do definitely require a great friendship that would lead to a committed relationship, or else I am not interested. I agree with you, that sex, in and of itself, is largely mechanical. Sex is easy, but a passionate love, in a committed relationship, is an entirely different matter. Sex, although extremely satisfying, without love, is empty. A relationship based solely on sex, no matter how hot, is doomed from the start, it has no foundation to stand on. Satisfying sex alone, will not secure a relationship. I have been in relationships where I didn't 'give it up,' and the men have moved on. Oh, well, guess they were just not that into me. And, as much as I enjoy lusty affection, I continue to hold out. I'd rather write about those possible erotic fantasies, than to give in to them. I crave a deep, abiding love of epic proportions. I believe in love, and I believe that all things are possible, for those who believe. And at this stage in time, (yes, I am a tad older than you) I do think of these things much differently than I did when I was younger. I don't know I would react if something happened to my significant other (if I had one) and if he was no longer able to have sex, but I suppose that would be the same thing if he were to become sick. I would hope that our trust in each other would be so strong, that I would choose to invest in batteries, rather than a studly one to satisfy my carnal needs. I would hope he would respect, and value me, and our love, the same way, if something were to happen to me, but I guess that's what love is about. However, I do enjoy the prospect of finding that significant other to spend the rest of my life with. I long for love. Long live love.
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bigeyes31 says:Posted: 18 Oct 09
This "scheduling" of sex...hmmm makes me even more skittish about marriage. I become bored with jobs, careers and constantly need a challenge and so acquired a couple of degrees and careers to stave off the boredom. Because I have learned that I become easily bored with my boyfriends and relationships from past experience and my own personal growth process, I'm extremely skittish about marriage and it's obligations. I have scared men because of my perceived coldness. In saying all this, I'm saying reaching the point of having to schedule romance or sex is a DEFINITE sign that if something is not done soon, the marriage or relationship is on the way to the grave. I believe in marriage but I realize it takes a serious commitment, a certain amount of selflessness and a desire to please your spouse. With all the hustle and bustle of today,it can be difficult to keep that sexual and romantic fire burning. At the same time if a relationship reaches a point of NO sex at all, I think scheduling just might be the resurrecting element. I'm not married, never have been and not sure I want to be, so my opinion on this is quite humble. Peace
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TricciNicci says:Posted: 18 Oct 09
SEWilde, I think life is like the layers of say, an onion. Many of us have already experienced that one great love that made us catch our breath, act without thinking and feel the ultimate raw, unquenching edge of Love cutting us both coming and going. Now I don't mean to be graphic, but it is true, I've experienced that. And for all that it was worth or never girded up to being - I've been there done that! Yes, like you I believe I'm a sensual being, but hunger for only one thing and it ain't sex, lol! It's simply Love. Without that my screen goes blank in the day dream corridor, lol! Maybe it's just that I see the sexual aspect of a relationship being more than just physical release of tension or the energy of passion. It is an expression of self and these days I have a very clear understanding of what it takes for me to get there. For example I don't think intimacy always involves sex. I'm sure you would agree. I think it's the nurturing I'm after because sex in and of itself seems so uninteresting and mechanical. You're older than I if not right on the money age wise. I find often what folks need in their relationships is defined by generational expectations. Or maybe it's the same packaged differently. What particular elements in a relationship would drive you to make a sexual commitment to your partner? Also what aspects of a relationship do you feel help structure sensual appeal and not sexual mechanisms (so many guys seem to only be able to offer that)? Unlike James, who sounds as if he's in a commited relationship, I would like to find out from others what it takes to BE in a commited relationship WITHOUT having to promise sex. I'm never going to be in one if that is the case, lol! Friendship/companionship first is more important to me. If I make friends with a guy and find he expects sex I drop him. He's faking it by wanting his cake and to eat it to, I don't respect that. Where is the work, the commitment, the Love? If something were to happen to my significant other, I would not want to have sex with someone else for sex sake. I'd hopefully still gain from the desire to be with my lover. Even if not sexually. So I ask because some guys, I find, want to blur all the edges (I call this a lie) and I see them as very clear and distinct lines of relevance. I could be hopelessly wrong. What say you?
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SEWilde says:Posted: 17 Oct 09
TricciNicci, Regarding one of your statements, "I’d be happy to have a committed relationship without it (say if my partner for some reason didn’t need it...)." I have given that exact scenario much thought, as I am not getting any younger. I don't have a relationship at the moment, but I can imagine being in a committed relationship or being married one day. As a very sensual (albeit mature) person, I don't think I would fare well without sexual intimacy.
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TricciNicci says:Posted: 17 Oct 09
Yuu-u-uuuuck! Quicky is low on the totem pole for my appetite, but when I was engaged in a significant relationship some years ago, it was the exception as a point arrived when we were in different states and believe me all types of mores flew out the window once we laid eyes on each other after some months of seperation! Of course the logical ones were maintained, lol! Needless to say I drove ALONE to the airport and we were absent from the home scene for several hours, lol! Nevertheless sex is as much a celebration and recalibration of a relationship time after time as is the wedding anniversary or recommitment ceremony. When I wasn't getting along with my ex we were still engaging and it was quite funny to me because we could almost time it on the calendar to the watch's second hand! Needless to say we both had deep running feelings for one another and in our case, the sex was the tool of revelation for this. Had we not been able to engage on the many occassions we did, he and I would not have access to the possibilities we discovered with and through each other. Sex scheduling is what SAVED our relationship each and every time. Neither of us were promiscous, but we both had questions as to whether the others commitment was there. This went on for years. Call it insecurity, whatever, we weren't having sex every night, but it was always there at the appointed time. I myself am not a sex based person. I'd be happy to have a commited relationship without it (say if my partner for some reason didn't need it, heck maybe I'll marry a monk, lol!) but in my past relationship which was heavily commitment oriented that was how we drew water.
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fire321 says:Posted: 12 Aug 09Sex is an important factor in most relationships. If you HAVE to schedule a day/time for it, you do what's you have to do. Besides, it doesn't have to be a marathon session. Quickies can be quite therapeutic, as well :-)
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miaD says:Posted: 26 Apr 08Unfortunately, reality dictates that even spontaneity in sexual relationship today is ideal and not realistic because of the life style or situation of an individual personal Work agenda eg. some people who work two or three jobs or even one with a lot of long time hours or overtime, for such persons, it seems that scheduling sex then is almost UNAVOIDABLE if the couple is to have any sex at ALL under such circumstances. Ofcourse, those individuals whose lifestyle is void of "Busyness" (too busy) should ofcourse be creative and employ spontaneity in their love life as sex is one of every humans physiological needs. Without it, after long periods of time one may become frustrated or depressed after a while and who knows what other physical ailment can come about as a result of Not having sex on time or even say 2 or 3 times a month even if it is Scheduled. For more than three years now I have been totally celibate now not by choice but due to circumstances - I need to find the right one for me and that's why I am on this site searching! Heaven knows my sex scheduled at this point is Wayyy!!! overdew lol.
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Bigeyes/SE, I have never been married, not by certification anyway. I have been in a very committed and lengthy relationship, but refused to marry him. I had my reasons. I was very in love and can't say the love has truly dissolved from my emotion. When one has had that soul filled, abiding love, I find it hard to miss what you've already had. That's why I don't miss the sex. I don't do batteries, but know most women do, lol! I just don't feel I need sex. I do feel I need a type of love I really don't feel I've had. The serious relationships I've had in life were all men who pursued me. You know the type: Stand outside your house for hours until you arrive home just to apologize for something thought offensive. Talk to you as though there is only one star and one moon in the universe and you and he are it. Funny, squishy, lovely things...BUT I really think I honestly attract men who are not partner oriented. In other words, I believe in 50/50, or 60/40 as the scale moves. I rarely got this. My sister who has been married a loooong time says you must mistreat men a bit. Keep them chasing. That works for her. It is not what I want. She says I'll never marry because I'm to hard on a man. What I see her do to hers I'd call mistreatment. He seems to like it. If that's the only way, no thanks. I can feed the homeless for compassion and sleep in lieu of sex, lol! Mindfully, I HOOOOOOOOOPE it never comes to that. The wisdom of my dear sweet mother says there's more than one way to skin a cat. I think I'll follow her path. You know SE, the way I got to figuring I could do without sex if that was an option is because my ex and I made love in sooooo many different ways that did not include intercourse. I don't know, it felt like we were always in one another's center. So I guess I don't look for that again as a mandate. I am not one who will have intimacy with someone I'm not compatible with as it makes my stomach turn. Why I don't know and I don't question it. But when I do connect with a person, it has to be on all levels and not pushed there. Ya know. I think that's why the ex and I had it right. It wasn't faked nor pushed upon me as an obligation. I certainly desired him and he desired me. Bigeyes, your cousin was right as I've heard it often, but think it comes when one or both get lazy, assuming or just uninterested. I've always said, when I marry, I'll give my husband a marriage sabbatical if necessary, lol! Very tricky rice paypah to walk on! I'd want one too if I needed it. A few years back when 9 out of 10 were getting a divorce, I was very pleased I'd not taken the plunge. Especially that what I had hadn't worked out and I didn't have to suffer through a divorce. It showed me how tough marriage could be if you were left to do all the work. I thought much more stridently about marriage and decided to raise the bar...for myself. The belief is if I am a better, more secure person on all fronts I'll protect what I do have much better and attract more men who are themselves in a position to be selective. So I'm working away at that expecting the package with my StudBraniac enclosed any moment, lol! Good luck ladies.