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Not your type is the best type

Posted by James, 21 May

“My type” “Not my type” These are the two categories women group men. Those that fall into the “my type” category are those that resemble past love or crushes, those dressed in a certain way or the image she has of herself. And the ones that get weeded for not being her type; well you can guess why.

When a woman walks into a bar for instance, the categorization begins. And if you fall into the “my type” category, she will do her best to appear available to you. Unfortunately, some potential suitor might get relegated to the latter category for being good from far but far from good. However, she may just humor such a guy and give him airtime as she eyes and waits for "her type" to make a move. Problem is; he may never make that move or when he does, he breaks her heart just like all the other "her type" men.

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All good men are not taken. In fact, most women blow off perfectly dateable guys for not being their type. This is why most women are single. And how do people arrive at this “type” categorization? Looks, dressing… :roll:

Relationship expert Andrea Syrtash tackles this in her book 'He's Just Not Your Type (And That's A Good Thing)'. She explains how most women fall into the pattern of dating a certain type and end up getting their hearts broken over and over again by this type simply because ‘my type’ is the WRONG type. While busy weeding out those that are not your type, you end up throwing away a huge chunk of eligible bachelors … may be your soulmate is in that bunch!

Men have been dumped for being too nice. Makes you wonder what women look for. These men who live on the edge are interesting… I get it. But how do they end up treating you? Men never change. So if you think marriage will tame this guy, think again. You are better off with that “too nice” guy. Here is what Syrtash says about the nice guy you are too quick to weed out: "Nice and weak are not synonymous." Given a chance, Mr. Too Nice might surprise you.

And then we have those men women consider short. “I cant date down” they say. What has something this superficial got to do with compatibility or a great relationship? And how about those women who are afraid of risking friendship for romance? Most good relationships start with friendship. And if this man is a true friend, he will work his a** off not to jeopardize that. If there is a spark between you and this friend of yours, follow it. Some of the world’s best spouses are best friends.

Don't write off a guy for not being your type. Think about the type of men you have been dating ... the ones who have broken your heart. Here is your chance to break that pattern. Give the "not your type" guy a chance. He just could be your perfect fit!

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19 responses to "Not your type is the best type"

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  1.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 17 Aug 10

    I agree totally with the article. Women are way too shallow when choosing who they will date. They really do know within a minute or two which category you will fall into and you are never given a chance if you fall in the wrong category. I always get categorized as too nice. They think I am too nice to be real so they make up an agenda that just isn't there because I am being totally honest. And then they boohoo about how bad men are when they end up pregnant with illegitimate kids and that men are pigs when the women were the pigs and the men were just giving the women what they wanted. They same thing happens in divorce where the women is so shocked when the man turns out to be a wife beater or a cheater and to the rest of us guys with two braincells to rub together or more, it is painfully obvious how it is going to out. Of course it is easier for me since I am a trained Pastoral Counselor who deals with premarital and marriage counseling and I can see the wrong reasons usually right off. Women need to stop being so shallow and looks conscious and money conscious unless they want to be in a shallow relationship where they will be used and treated poorly sooner or later. But us consistently nice guys will always finish last which I know because I was cheated on and dumped by all my past six girlfriends who claimed they were deeper than they were. I am so glad that I didn't marry any of them or I would be another divorce statistic and I still have no kids running around to this day because of being wary of women in general. Too many times they claim they want honesty and niceness when they really want someone to play the games they want and often to be treated badly, especially the more attractive women because deep down, they know they don't have the personality to back up their appearance because they skated by on their looks most of their life. Many studies have been done about how attractive women have an easier time in this world than unattractive women. How many unattractive female movie stars are there? Or female singers? Very few and most of the unattractive ones are comedians. So I really don't pity the plight of women who make poor decisions in relationships based on their shallowness and hedonism. Give me a woman with a high quality personality with wisdom and intelligence any day of the week. Joseph Moyer

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  2.   afrodite_07 says:
    Posted: 13 Jul 10

    i watch body language and other things...i can spot a nerd,but a jackass is actualy harder.but i can realy tell by the first conversation (i ask certain questions) whether its a deal breaker or not.it usualy is..

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  3.   afrodite_07 says:
    Posted: 13 Jul 10

    i would like an attractive man,but i watch more for behavior.say the guy's reading a decent book,and has a confident air about him...i'm there.if he's actin like an ass (being loud ,rude,sounding oh so illiterate),thats an automatic pass.i admit,becouse I'm a big girl,I do bypass shorter guys,unless they approach me . it partly depends on where you meet guys,i never meet in clubs,bars,things like that.somebody in there is ragedy(they are everywhere but...),and you have a greater chance of getting ragedy people from there. I don't have a type,I just have things i like,i love,i hate,and tolerate in men. I don't date often though,becouse I am trying to get my life together,I'm doing great things but I believe its best to meet your match on the way up the ladder,not at the bottom or at the top. honestly,i have only been turned down in the past becouse the guys are older,like beyonce types over jill scotts ,I'm too much for them (i kinda got this charisma thing,my confidance is a curse)...or they prefer a stick house to a brick house

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  4.   Shelly says:
    Posted: 07 Jul 10

    We have all heard the saying, opposites attract. But I think in some ways that's good and in some ways it's a set up for disaster.

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  5.   PetiteChick says:
    Posted: 14 Jun 10

    @AptlyNamed you said: "For example, I was once attracted to or intrigued by quiet or reserved men. After awhile, I started looking at the type of men I dated. It was attracted to more outgoing personalities, like myself - but accepted dates from the quiet, reserved types who consistently told me that they loved my energy, drive and sense of humour. 9 times out of 10 - I left the relationships unfulfilled because I felt bored and unchallenged. Most of the men I’ve dated are still friends; we’ve found this to be a more strong and successful union. I also found that I would attract men who like to be nurtured and offer little by way of reciprocation of consideration, thoughtfulness or support." Petite: I wholeheartely agree with this. Every single bit. People have a tendency to get involved in relationships that are not well suited for them "just because." Why would I date someone that different from my own personality that would probably end in failure. I find that people of like mind have a better chance at a lasting relationship than the other way around. While the both of you won't have absolutely everything in common (not possible in my opinion) those important things that sustain a relationship are the key characteristics I seek that won't set me up for failure.

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  6.   PetiteChick says:
    Posted: 12 Jun 10

    @dreadlock718 "...now the ‘type’ that i look for complements me and that’s the only type i’m interested in." --------------------------------------------- There it is! The gentleman I think that will compliment me WILL have self-confidence, be intellectual stimulating, honest. That's it. Bad boys as well as nerds can be both. I prefer a well rounded individual. Someone with the aforementioned traits who has seen some things, had some bumps, much like me, but in the end, still recognizes that his process of self-actualization is an ongoing process!!!

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  7.   AptlyNamed says:
    Posted: 01 Jun 10

    I completely agree with @Geminidoll78. If art imitates life, then when observed, one can easily see the double standard that exists when it comes to images of beauty and their relationship to the 'type' of women selected. Even more humourous is that the men can have missing teeth, flabby breast, pot belly and can barely hold a conversation about anything in significant depth, yet seem to sit in video's with these 'ideal' women all over them. These are very likely women who would NOT give them the time of day had they worked a Burger King looking and acting the way the do - but somehow the magic of cash imagery and a music video can change that perspective. *shakes head* Women aren't the only one who have a type and choose to adhere to it. So I presumed that this article was not directed to all women, but the women to whom the shoe fits. Women who know themselves and love themselves enough to honestly and objectively learn from past experiences with men and experiences from others - can grow from them and learn to remain open in some ways, while being mindful of what is important for her. For example, I was once attracted to or intrigued by quiet or reserved men. After awhile, I started looking at the type of men I dated. It was attracted to more outgoing personalities, like myself - but accepted dates from the quiet, reserved types who consistently told me that they loved my energy, drive and sense of humour. 9 times out of 10 - I left the relationships unfulfilled because I felt bored and unchallenged. Most of the men I've dated are still friends; we've found this to be a more strong and successful union. I also found that I would attract men who like to be nurtured and offer little by way of reciprocation of consideration, thoughtfulness or support. In my life experience, it's amazing to witness how being more mindful of something can bring it into fruition, some call it 'manifestation'. I now attract more outgoing, unselfish personalities. Men who are closer to being able to 'keep up' with me, find me refreshing and exciting, and in turn, offer something in their character that makes our time together more mutually fulfilling. This is important to me because I have invested in myself throughout my life and continue to do so. It is important for me to enjoy my life energy in the company of others who have valued themselves enough to have done the same. He must value me as well. Knowledge of these truths mean I maintain some standards based on what's important to me. These preferences are not superficial. So, I believe while some women do limit their success in finding a suitable partner due to their inability to be honest and introspective or have subconsciously arrested their social development within the context of dating - this is not inclusive of all women; definitely not exclusive of men.

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  8.   djstime says:
    Posted: 01 Jun 10

    @Geminidoll78. I can agree on all of those points. If you ask me one of the main reasons I started dating interracial was because so may sisters would turn me off before I could even have a real conversation with them...and whats really unfortunate is that if you look across all the races you will find one common thing that drives all...MONEY...come on and say to me that if you saw some one like P Diddy or Jay Z, or even Tiger, before they were wealthy, they would be up there on the "so hot list"?...and I know people are gonna think I'm hating, but I am absolutely not...I just think that this is yet another major dynamic/factor that is left out of this discussion. Thanks for posting/replying! DJstime

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  9.   dredrock718 says:
    Posted: 31 May 10

    i gotta say... guilty as charged. i think maturity, above all has helped break me of that pattern. the reality was when i broke it 'all the way down' i was interested in the male version of myself. that is--until i got what i asked for! my more mature self realizes that we both can't be crazy! someone has to be sane, LOL. now the 'type' that i look for complements me and that's the only type i'm interested in.

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  10.   fire321 says:
    Posted: 31 May 10

    Both djstime and gmiminidoll78 make valid points. It's really a no win situation. Some people just will not broaden their viewpoints to get what they want and need in a relationship.

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  11.   Geminidoll78 says:
    Posted: 29 May 10

    @ djstime, I applaud your open mindness but you're more than a bit naive if you believe your counterparts are equally as open to and accepting of all types of women. You are the exception, not the rule and there are more than a few men who perfer a certain type of woman and will adhere to that type come hell or high water. I'm not arguing the fact that by refusing to step outside our comfort zones, as women limit our options, I just don't think its fair for the author to assume that only women do this. Some women are often drawn to men who are tall, masculine, chrasmatic and a even bit aggressive and ultimately these men may turn out to be chauvinistic, cheating jerks. On the other hand, whether you will admit it or not, most men tend to be drawn to young, exotic, slender, petite women whose true colors may reveal them to be clingy, needy, matarialistic or immature. What are the odds of either sex changing their behavior? I would say slim to none, but for me it is annoying that only women are called to do so.

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  12.   Member says:
    Posted: 27 May 10

    I once wote a blog on this very subject (She asked,"Why Are There So Few Good Men?" Every now and then I come across a television show in which a woman proclaims all of the “good men” are taken or all men are @s#h*l%s! In truth there are probably just as many good men as there are good women. Timing is everything! A woman in her mid-twenties may be starting to think about marriage and family while her male counterpart is more interested in playing video games, getting high, drinking and watching sports with his buddies. This same man most likely will have different priorities when he hits his mid-thirties. In essence, a 25-year-old woman who is ready to get married and raise a family is better off dating a man who is closer to 35. Women mature faster than men. A woman in her 20s who insists on marrying a man her own age is often times destined for disappointment. Life is too short to be wasting time trying to change water into wine! Trying to change your mate leads to frustration on your part and resentment on their part. A “Bad Boy” makes a girl’s heart beat faster! There are a lot of women who simply are more attracted to the “Bad Boy” especially during their youth. Quite a few women will lists all the wonderful traits they want in a man and yet they find themselves going after the complete opposite over and over again. We all select our own friends, lovers, mates, and spouses. There’s no escaping that fact. Selecting the wrong mate is the number one cause of divorce. Hopefully once one truly knows herself/himself and what it is they want, wisdom will kick in to help them become better at selecting people to be a part of their life. The “bad boy” is a challenge and he’s exciting. His unreliability is seen as being “unpredictable”. Knowing that other women are pursuing him as well raises his stock. There is nothing like a little competition to make someone go all out to win. Chemistry/magnetism is stronger than logic! There’s a sense of (emotional life and death drama) always lurking beneath the surface. It’s almost a cliché to hear a woman tell her friend, “I know he’s probably up to no good but there is something about that man I just can’t get enough of!” “ha ha ha” One thing is for certain: “Life with a bad boy is never boring!” Some women view the “good guy” as being too nice, weak, someone she could run over, too predictable, safe, and boring. For many of these women it’s only after taking several trips on the roller coaster with the “bad boy” that they decide to “settle” down with a “good guy”. It’s a practical decision and often times has very little to do with “chemistry”. She treats the “good guy” differently than she did the “bad boy”. The first night or soon after she met the “bad boy” she had sex with him. She rode him like a horse in the Kentucky derby, they did everything sexually oral, anal, spanking & screaming, took showers together, she sucked his toes, she gave him sensual massages, cooked breakfast and served it to him in bed, gave him her debit card & secret code, “loaned him money” as well as let him borrow her car….etc In return all he did was make her laugh and sling some D#$*k. After she gets dumped or comes to realize she’ll never win over his heart she sets her sights on finding a “good guy”. When this same woman meets a man who she sees as “good guy” potential you might think she would shower “Mr. Right” with all the love and affection she gave to the “bad boy”. WRONG! Now she breaks out Steve Harvey’s 90 day rule! She’s not going to have sex with “Mr. Right” until he commits to her emotionally, shows her he worships her, adores her and would damn well die for her! When they finally do have sex, “Mr. Right” will never experience the same “freak between the sheets” sex action, which was given to the “bad boy”. The risks for her are too high. If she takes him to “the rodeo” she’s afraid he may take her off his “pedestal”. In fact a lot of women seem to believe that having sex too quickly with a man will “turn him into an a-hole”. If that’s a woman’s experience she may want to have a doctor look her over. An a-hole was an a-hole before she had sex with him just as sure as a “good guy” on (day one) will still be a “good guy” in 90 days. The lesson a lot of “good guys” get from watching this scenario over and over again is “bad boys” have all of the fun and “good guys” get the left-overs. Hence the old saying, “Nice guys finish last”. Women cope better with pain then men If men bore children there would be a lot of one-child families! Aside from watching the “bad boy” have all of the fun a lot of former “good guys” who’ve gotten their hearts broken have never recovered. They never completely open up emotionally again. It takes more courage to fall in love a 2nd or 3rd time than it does the first time. Steven James Dixon self published a book titled: “Men Don’t Heal, We Hoe” – A Book About the Emotional Instability of Men The following link is an excerpt from his book. http://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&q=cache:V0CFLwGFLwUJ:www.relationshipbeast.com/files/Chapter20.pdf+men+don't+heal+we+hoe&hl=en&gl=us&pid=bl&srcid=ADGEESinAKzo17Cilf01ocZUYNiBoqY0DJxbylT192YysyGM0LedRcqby7gDCfIwoLJxKC8KrNw1wdGfwgsINAv3CF4eUzCv9U_MMUxct8TrjNY2QCg1vTlvlPXKsyibl2RkIuOWCrpS&sig=AHIEtbTuWqfJ38tu2Q9hnBjH3maNT4yHmg Time changes everything As the “bad boy” sheds his youth he tends to behave more like a “good guy”. Some of it is due to maturity and a lot of it is because he can’t get away with what he use to anymore. “Every Saint has a past, Every Sinner has a future.” Such is life. Women become relationship smarter. They learn to combine the feelings of their hearts with the thoughts of their minds. There are good men all around if you’re willing to open your eyes. They’re not all over six feet tall, athletic build, with a head full of hair, possessing a dazzling smile, with dynamic personalities earning over $100k…etc. There’s the grocery store manager, the UPS driver, the mailman, the shoe salesman, the bus driver, train engineer, teacher, minister, computer programmer, taxi driver, butcher, and countless other men you pass by daily without giving a second glance who may offer all of the important qualities required to have a happy relationship. (Honesty,Trust,Loyalty, Love & Devotion, Intimacy, and Emotional Security) A lot of “good guys” are inclined to be more introverted, humble, down to earth, and less ego driven. They don’t make the same splashy entrance as the “bad boy” but trust me they’re out there…. They’re everywhere. This universe is based upon balance. For every tune there is a lyric waiting to be written. For every woman there is a good man waiting to be found. Never give up!

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  13.   djstime says:
    Posted: 25 May 10

    I don't agree with Geminidoll78, on this point specifically. Its not that women should have to compromise their standards but they loose out based on the standards they choose to set. The fact of the matter is, you don't hear guys disqualifying women for the same things. Lets be real if a guy were to say oh Im not gonna date you because you are too short an he is 6 ft and you are 5'7 you would be like why?...and in that same instance if a guy came up to you that was 5'7 and was a really great guy you would (based on woman standards)shoot him down. Why because your woman logic tells you that you cant be out with this guy in hills because you will be taller than him...I grew up in a house full of women so I know. Which leads to another item of discussion. I love to dress well and take care of myself, and I think that I tend to be considered the "nice guy" but I'm not a sucker! What has also happened to a lot of African American men is this whole notion that if you ain't a thug then you are not black enough... Since the age of 17 I have lived on my own. I have had (and still have) a good legitimate job, my own car and place to live. Dated all kinds of women all heights and shapes...never has it crossed my mind that I would not date someone for being to tall, short, pretty or ugly...because it really didn't matter at the end of the day if we could not communicate on the same level...and have the same interest/goals...

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  14.   loverofjazz says:
    Posted: 23 May 10

    I totally agree with Geminidoll78 It is the female who ultimally makes the decision. Women don't need to compromise nor settle for less than what gives them their purpose for a loving long lasting relationship, if that's what she wants. However, I find that most women, not all do not have the confidence to say, your character is in question. I believe in point blank questions: "What do you want, or what are you looking for." The answers are numerous. "Friend with benefits, a companion, someone to take care of me financially, just a pen pal, I need a place to live, someone to talk to." Ultimally, it is a womans decision, what can and will you live with? I have met some of the youngest and handsomest men on the planet, but yes they are superficial, living for the moment, which is not a bad thing, however, if it's not for you and you want more, do not accept less than you desire. He's not all that and two bags of potato chips.

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  15.   Geminidoll78 says:
    Posted: 22 May 10

    Why are these sort of articles only directed at women? A woman expected to make 1001 exceptions as to what it is she wants but a man is never expected or asked to do the same. Men are obsessed with looks and age and yet they are never admonished for it. A woman who adheres to the same standards is "superfical" while he simply has a "preference." I guess I should enjoy the fact that females are held to a higher standard but the double standard is getting pretty old.

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  16.   fire321 says:
    Posted: 22 May 10

    I will typically write a guy off based on his approach. I absolutely can't stand when a guy comes out the gate with the "hey sexy, hey baby" etc approach. If you're approaching me like that, the guy is doing the same to every woman he has an interest in. I agree with bigeyes when it comes to looking past what you physically see in a man. Men being visual creatures should not assume that most women view a potential mate in the same manner. Don't get me wrong, physical attraction is important but not the thing that will keep my interest.

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  17.   Forever56 says:
    Posted: 22 May 10

    i think that women judge so quickly because sometimes they can be unsure if the other person will ever possibly be attracted to them so therefore they feel as if they have to be picky as to what they will like and what others would think

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  18.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 22 May 10

    OMG I have met some men who are handsome,dress well,etc. and still don't consider them MY type. I find that so many men spend so much time focusing on their outside,clothes,looks,"swagger" that they don't know how to take a woman like myself that honestly,honestly looks past all of that.Some men who have approached me have been totally put off,not by me having an attitude,but because I reject the VERY things they have put SO much work into developing,lol. I'm just not into them and rightly so they go on to the women who prefer their type or kind. I hate when a nice guy tries to change to fit in because he is trying to get a certain "type" of woman himself and it's usually the same "type" the "dangerous" guy is after,so the nice guy is cutting his own chances as well. I like unconventional men,clothes,music,food,etc. I want the nice guys to be themselves and find love.

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  19.   FurryJeans says:
    Posted: 22 May 10

    I am constantly being written off as not her type, from as simple as "no" to "you? seriously? HA-HA!" I don't have a lot of money, fancy clothes, but I do try to show that special someone that they truly are special.

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