Living life on the DL... Is it Role Play or Playing God?
Some think it may be a cultural thing. For many races other than African American's, friends and families even communities have embraced or at least accepted the gay lifestyle. Black men on the other hard, are still having a very difficult time. At least that's what J.L. King, author of "On the Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of "Straight" Black Men Who Sleep with Men", seems to believe. Are the guys that are living this double life taking too big a risk with your life?
Is he or isn't he? Is it just me or are there gay people everywhere lately??? There was the author Terry McMillan's husband; she found out he was gay after a few years of marriage. This was after she released her book and movie telling the world that he helped her "get her groove back". There was the ex-Governor of New Jersey that come out on TV while still in office and then went on to right a book about it.
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Today, I was listening to a radio show on-line and the host was talking to women who recently found out that their man was on the down low. I don't want to assume that everyone knows the term "on the DL". It's been out (no pun intended), for some time. The term's used to describe men who are married or have girlfriends but are secretly sleeping with men.
All though same sex marriages are currently on sale in California, some brothers will continue to choose to remain on the down low.
Why is that? Some think it may be a cultural thing. For many races other than African American's, friends and families even communities have embraced or at least accepted the gay lifestyle. Black men on the other hard, are still having a very difficult time. At least that's what J.L. King, author of "On the Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of "Straight" Black Men Who Sleep with Men", seems to believe.
The author talks about his own experience with leading a double life. He says, "His marriage was NOT a lie because he loves his wife and she was his best friend, however, he did lie about his desires to have sex with other men. Well, I don't know about you, but I think that's a big damn lie! He says that he didn't tell her because he was scared. The truth is that he had a very good reason to be. Here are the stats:
~An estimated 500,000 Americans have died of AIDS since the disease first appeared in the early '80s.
~It is estimated that of the 850,000-950,000 Americans living with HIV one in four are unaware of their infection.
~Black women account for 72% of all the new HIV cases in women.
~67% of black women with HIV contracted it from heterosexual sex.
~African American women are 23 times more likely to be infected with AIDS than white women.
~African American men are almost nine times more likely to be infected with AIDS than white men.
That's what these "men" should be scared of!
The story I heard today on the radio show was about a caller who said that her and her "man" of four years were living together and all happy and stuff and then she found pictures of him and another guy kissing and in various non-heterosexual situations. She confronted him; he admitted it to her and moved out. She is now six-months pregnant with his child and he's still in the closet with his friends and family.
Damn, talk about timing. Well, the good news is that at least all he gave her was a baby. It could have been so much worse. The other tragic thing is that he's still living a lie and I'm certain it has more to do with how others will perceive him and his lifestyle. My fear is not that he will have to live this lie all his life, because the truth is that it is his choice. My fear is that like so many other brothers choosing to live their lives on the DL, he will continue to have other relationships with women and not tell them that he also likes to have sex with other men and continue to have unprotected sex with both men and women.
It's hard trying to be something or someone that you are not. When we make a choice and decided that keeping our "secret", is more important than the safety and well-being of others... there lies the bigger problem. Some say that it's about being labeled. Men don't want to be labeled "gay or bi-sexual". How about the label "irresponsible"...does that work better?
Personally, I really don't care who you love as long as the two of you are consenting adults. What you do is between you two. It doesn't matter to me if you are called gay, bi-sexual, homosexual, heterosexual with bi-weekend tendencies. I don't think that it makes you less of a man. What makes you less of a man is NOT MANning up and telling the women that you lay down with that you could be endangering their lives.
I would say the same thing to men that were sleeping with two different women. Whom you sleep with doesn't make you a man or not a man. What makes you less of a man is when you single-handedly make a choice that you will have it both ways and that somehow you deserve that right, because that's what you want or because "society just doesn't understand". BULLSH*T.
Believe it or not, there are some women that will still continue to love you. Maybe enough to stay with you and keep your secret...but LISTEN to this... it's important...THEY WILL BE ABLE TO PROTECT THEMSELVES if and when they choose to have sex with you!
I beg every man that is out there right now to come clean. Even if you have to lie and tell your unsuspecting partner that, there is "another woman". Please use a condom. If you are best friends with your mate, they will at least listen to you. There will be hurt and pain but I'm pretty sure that there is a great dose of that already.
This is Leticia; you truly deserve to live the life that is best for you...not everybody or anybody else. Do you baby, just don't play with the lives of others.
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43 responses to "Living life on the DL... Is it Role Play or Playing God?"
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fkoi says:Posted: 06 Jul 09Re:“You will not have intercourse with a man as you would with a woman. This is a hateful thing.” - Leviticus 18:22, The New Jerusalem Bible If one quotes the Bible, they should look at the facts. Uh, gay folks, male or female, don't have intercourse "as you would with a woman." I'm not going to explain the anatomical details but that sounds like an exemption from the "abomination" category.
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Fire321 says:Posted: 07 Apr 09This is not something that should be new "news" to anyone. It's sad because most of the men that are on the DL do not see themselves as being "gay", "bi", or curious. Either way, it's time for men to step up and be responsible for their actions. I personally could care less if a guy chooses to sleep with a man but I do care about having the option of choosing to be with (or not be with) someone that lives that lifestyle. It upsets me that women are too trusting of men when it comes to sex. I know when you've been with someone for a long time using condoms becomes irrelevant. I think in this day and time, women need to take responsibility for their bodies and protect themselves from STDs and other deadly diseases. Relying on the "trust" factor with your man isn't enough.
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Wayne says:Posted: 14 Feb 09The Bible’s Viewpoint Homosexuality—Why Not? “I don’t think God really cares about one’s sexual orientation. He cares how we lead our lives. And sex is not the point.”—Member of a homosexual Bible-study group. A GROWING number of people accept homosexuality as just an alternative life-style. Does God agree? While many people have changed their view and others are undecided, the Bible’s viewpoint is crystal clear: “You will not have intercourse with a man as you would with a woman. This is a hateful thing,” states the Bible. (Leviticus 18:22, The New Jerusalem Bible) No apologies, no concessions, no ambiguity—homosexuality is detestable in God’s sight. For ancient Israelites living under the Mosaic Law, the penalty was death. (Leviticus 20:13) And with the advent of Christianity, God’s condemnation of homosexuality continued.—1 Corinthians 6:9, 10. God Is Opposed—Why? But why is God so adamantly opposed to it? One reason is stated at Isaiah 48:17: “I, Jehovah, am your God, the One teaching you to benefit yourself, the One causing you to tread in the way in which you should walk.” Those words come from the Author of the universal laws of nature. He knows our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual makeup. He opposes homosexuality because, among other things, it does not benefit the individual. A review of the apostle Paul’s letter to Christians living in Rome confirms this. He wrote: “That is why God gave them up to disgraceful sexual appetites, for both their females changed the natural use of themselves into one contrary to nature; and likewise even the males left the natural use of the female and became violently inflamed in their lust toward one another, males with males, working what is obscene and receiving in themselves the full recompense, which was due for their error. And just as they did not approve of holding God in accurate knowledge, God gave them up to a disapproved mental state, to do the things not fitting.”—Romans 1:26-28. Note, homosexuality is called not only “disgraceful,” “obscene,” and “not fitting” but also “contrary to nature.” Regarding these verses, a report from the Church of England says: “What Paul means by ‘unnatural’ is ‘unnatural’ to mankind in God’s creation pattern. All homosexual behaviour is a divergence from God’s creation scheme.” Anthropologist Weston LaBarre called it a “frustration of one’s own and others’ essential biological nature.” This concurs with the meaning of the Greek word used in the Bible and translated “natural” or, “according to nature.” It is no surprise that any “divergence from God’s creation scheme” reaps bad results (as man’s miserable record with the environment has shown). Homosexuals ‘receive in themselves the full recompense, which is due for their error.’ In other words, their life becomes a life of unnatural sexual aberration; hence, a life devoid of God’s approval. In addition, they may suffer physical harm because of their perversions. Bad Fruitage Paul also says that homosexuals would be “violently inflamed [literally, burned out] in their lust toward one another.” While wrong thinking can fan wrong desires even in heterosexual relations, it seems that with the anticipation of depraved sexual relations, the wanton lust burns even stronger. “A Perilous Double Love Life,” an article published in Newsweek magazine, said: “Men and women bisexuals alike often talk of the ‘intense’ arousal, the ‘different energy’ they experience with their own sex. James remembers it as being ‘like sky diving. It was intoxicating, a high.’” Being thus inflamed, many homosexuals have multiple partners (some have hundreds), and for some their compulsion drives them to have sex many times a day, even with complete strangers. This promiscuity not only leads to communicable diseases, such as hepatitis, but fosters jealousy, insecurity, and unhappiness, even as it does in promiscuous heterosexual relationships. Once a person submits to “covetous sexual appetite,” he can become enslaved. (1 Thessalonians 4:5) To what extent? Referring to AIDS, one homosexual admitted: “Even faced with a miserable, awful death, the sex drive is a strong drive.” This calls to mind the Bible’s warning: “Do not let sin continue to rule as king in your mortal bodies that you should obey their desires.”—Romans 6:12. Since sexual immorality is based largely on self-gratification, it often leads to more debased acts. And fallen human nature being what it is, once an act becomes commonplace, its excitement tends to wane. Thus, some homosexuals have gone on to sadomasochism and other vile practices. One Bible commentary says that “the effect of such base and unnatural passions . . . tended to debase the mind; to sink man below the level of the brute; to destroy the sensibility.” A Bible scholar grouped homosexuality with “crimes, which were utterly inconsistent with reason, nature, and their own and each other’s welfare.” Bible Standards Bring Peace We can be grateful that God does not change his standards just to satisfy the passing fancies or perverted desires of men. Even as he does not approve of polluting the earth or of lying simply because more people want to do it, so he does not condone homosexuality though many espouse it with zeal. No matter what course men promote, Jehovah wants us to honor him and benefit ourselves. Thankfully, some have rejected such practices and lined up with “the healthful teaching” found in God’s Word. (1 Timothy 1:10; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11) As one former practicing homosexual stated: “What brings me pleasure is that I now have a clean conscience, and I know that I am living a life that is pleasing to Almighty God.”
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Lovey11111 says:Posted: 28 Jan 09
I want to know how to find out if he is on the DL and won't admit it? What are the signs? What is the Test? We need a network of spies to find these crazy f--ls and kick their you-know-whats to the middle of the street not the Curb!
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Anacandela says:Posted: 22 Jan 09This is really sad. If you are a Homosexual male is best if you embrace that. It would help you live a better and happier life. Lies and secrets are the perfect ingredients for misery!
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Maridoe says:Posted: 01 Jan 09
Is it possible to call it what it really is? A man who is afraid to admit who he is and uses his Wife and Children to present the perfect fact to his community. It has never been a secret that many Black Men show their public disdain for Homosexuals!
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katherine says:Posted: 13 Dec 08
Some secrets need to be shared. Public safety is paramount, but most importantly of all, lying to someone you claim to love is despicable. It's your choice, but that gives you no right to take away your partners right to choose to not be a part of your life. That is just selfish.
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katherine says:Posted: 13 Dec 08
Many men perpetrate this same lie, and it's not just black men. I was pleased when one of my friends came out of the closet and revealed his preference for bi-sexuality. He is still against the term says that he is not "bi" he just likes to sleep with men. While labels can make someone feel segregated, they really need to understand that those are there to protect those of us who are not interested in alternative life styles.
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Elitha says:Posted: 18 Oct 08
I'm not condoning this at all. But let's not put the blame on the man/liar. Women who are not married to their husbands should be taking precautions ANYWAY. We are now modern, educated women. Don't completely blame him when it was YOUR responsibility to protect yourself. Saying "I trusted him" has never been good enough; your OB/GYN should have let you in on that a long time ago. Now the ones who are married are not to blame. But many women don't fall into that category.
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cocobaker813 says:Posted: 09 Oct 08I have to say this because it's burning a hole in my stomach. The DL lifestyle isn't unique to the Black Community, and I'm sick of the folks that continue to give this untruth life. No, Not "every other race" has seemed to accept homosexuality and deal with it. There are many other communities of color and Caucasians who condemn gays and lesbians(mostly gay men though)just as strongly as SOME African-Americans do. I feel sad for the brothers who have to live the life of a "real man" and keep what's true in darkness. If heterosexuals understood that the feelings of gays and lesbians is as strong and legitimate as the feelings between straights, they would know, as I know, that being gay isn't a mental illnes, a crime or "disgusting" I'm a straight woman who understands, accepts and loves my gay brothers and sisters, and doesn't take the "hate the sin, love the sinner" attutude. Love is universal, no matter who one loves doesn't make them less than human. Why should I care what a gay couple does in private? Why is it cool for straight couples to grab and grope and make out in public, but gay men are "gross"(the straight guys love two women together, after all they think lesbians are there to stimulate and entertain them. Little do they know that real lesbians don't think much of men, and could care less about turning them on). I also feel for the women who are victims of the DL lifestyle. After all, all they were thinking is they have a good man. They are then left angry, bitter and confused. After all, a woman can't compete with a man in the bedroom! If communities would accept gay men as "real men", this nonsense would end. It's up to the man to stop lying to himself and his wife or GF. If you are gay, live the life you were born to live and stop leaving so much collateral damage behind. I understand you may feel that "nobody accepts you", but the mark of a mature person is to not hurt others or put them in harm's way. In NJ, the AIDS cases has always been predominately straight females, mostly minority. A lot of the cases were due to risky lifestyle, but there was a substantial group of women who didn't fit into that risky lifestyle. They were with men who either visited prostitutes, were IV drug users or gay men who lied to them. Remember I said MOSTLY MINORITY. There were Caucasian women in the percentages too. I'm especially sad for Tawny, Lem, and the other women who were innocent victims of the DL. And no, I'm not bashing all gays, just the ones who lie to themselves and the female partners who have no idea what's up. As for Chris' questions about someone who has herpes, knows it and doesn't tell their partner: This is just as bad! To withhold vital info about having herpes is selfish, petty, and takes away the choice of his/her sex partner. That "don't ask, don't tell" crap about disease is crap. A person should have a choice to take the risk of possibly contracting an incurable disease like herpes, genital warts, and HIV. Even if it was curable, why put someone through that? Remember, it's a felony in several states to knowingly spread HIV, and it could be considered attempted murder.
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Tawny says:Posted: 07 Oct 08
Here's the thin and thick of it. This crap seems to do what we as a culture cannot- it seeps across all color lines. I have to say I read those E. Lynn Harris books back in the 90's and was rather repulsed by it all- the lies, excuses and rationalizations. Spare me. One magical day I will never forget I found my fiance's MasterCard Bill. He'd flown some"chick' out here from Hawaii. A little research coupled with a broken heart is a dangerous thing. "She" wasn't a chick at all! "She" did not live her biologically assigned gender- it was a man. My quiet, serene engineer who was my savior betrayed me in a way I may never truly get over. CLean break you ask? Oh Hell No! I get to see this true-to-life punk every other weekend when he picks up our healthy daughter and takes her places and has her around people I am afraid to think about. I tried to sue. I demanded full custody, but check this out! I could have sued him for 50% of everything if I'd gone ahead and married him- then and only then would it have been fraud. I struggle tomove on. He tries to make it up to me. I can only assume that is what is behind his deep and available pockets and the new car he's provided us with. Here is the business; I don't want any of it. I accept it all because he owes me. He owes me for every time he led me to believe I was dating a straight man! There isn't even a word for men who date Transgenders- correction; gay! I would say to every woman out there. Men can rely on their secrets being kept because we aren't unified. I am nopt going to seek out the next woman and blow his cover BUT IF SHE ASKS ME . . . that's something different. WE need to put our differences aside and be able to ask his exes what foolishness they were made to put up with. Ladies, you know it's the truth what he did to her, he may very well do to YOU.
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nita says:Posted: 04 Oct 08Though you made acceptable points for a world that is living in gross darkness, let me point out this truth: "sexual relationship" between persons of the same sex is not DL or gay or whatever else political correcct term we want to congure up-it is an abomination against nature and the creator. Sex and sexual relations was created by God for 2 purposes: so that man would not be alone and that the earth could be made plenty with humanity. Having "sex" between the same sex can't be fulfilling, that is why I think men black white or purple do the DL thing. They need to penetrate a vagina there is something anatomically right when a penis is surrounded by the warmth embrace of the female part (the part that was made for it-like a plug in an outlet=light). So the preversion and distortion of male to male sex is exactly what we have labelled and accepted. Why don't we say women to women sexual relationship is DL and why don't wome hide it or have dl terms/tendenacies? well because whoever potrays the "male" in that relationship will strap something on so that sexual satisfaction can be successful and that comes with penetration and orgasm. Though not complete-they don't get to experience the fulfilment of that type of ectasy. Let's stop being ignorant. One can appease one's ignorance by using the term "choice" as the acceptable term for man -and I mean mankind to live lawless against man and nature, but the truth remains, Self examination needs to be experienced and every person who is in a relationship that is not natural-and homosexuality, dl, lesbianism cat/dog is not natural otherwise it would not seem to have appeared out of no where and now being term the alternative lifestyle-this sin has been around since the beginning of time. It stayed in the dark for such a time as this. Hence the result is not just aids, but other std and hurt and shame is birthed out of it! If you are in a preverted relationship, ask yourself why and be really honest. Then when the real answer is revealed to you-repent and then get it right with God, He will forgive and then show you the beauty of right relationship-starting with the one you need to have with him...No judgment-just truth which is part of God's loving mercy.
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Cindie says:Posted: 22 Sep 08The thought of having a sexual relationship is becoming more and more unappealing by the day.....
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darkroses2004 says:Posted: 12 Sep 08As shameful as we want to make DL lifestyle, we can't.Why? Because people who participate in such activites are so scared of losing their famlies, and friends that they are will to go through all these hoops just so they won't be deemed outcasts from their genders or surroundings that they know. Everybody gets so worked up over somebody else's lifestyle choices, that instead of offering them a helping loving hand, they make them feel ashamed. Yes, it is dangerous for people to lead a down low life both physically and emtionally for each party. But we forget that AID's,HIV, and all STD's are a risk to both homosexual and heterosexual couples. It is our responsability to take control of our own health. Just remember: Everytme you lay down u have a 50/50 chance of getting up with something if you know ur slate is clean, but haven't taken the time to check the other person's sexual background. Questions can be a helpful tool .
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chris says:Posted: 09 Sep 08
how do you feel about people who have STD's such as herpes which theres no cure for...that know they have it but dint come clean and have unprotected sex with the other person??? Anyone have comments?
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Sweetcoco45 says:Posted: 06 Sep 08
This topic is very interesting. I belong to this and a few other dating sites. About a month or so ago i received an invite from a guy(not on this site) and for whatever reason I just happened to google his profile name. What a shocker!! this guy not only had a profile on the site I met him on, but also one that is for those who are into the homosexual and fetish lifestyle!! I was floored. On the profile he used to contact me he claimed he was straight..on the other profile he laid it all out. I sent him an e-mail and put his butt on full blast. So we woman do indeed need to be careful. I trust noone and if it seems too good to be true...it most likely is. Trust your instincts and whatever you do...take care of you...noone else is going to do it. I am a nurse and I can say without a doubt...the only safe sex is no sex. Don't be fooled into thinking a condom is the cure all. I would never lay down with a man i knew for a fact was gay because you are playing with fire and even sleeping with a "heterosexual" male is a gamble!.. I hope this article will open many eyes and bring about some honesty. We are all so worried abut the White man trying to wipe us all out: we are doing a better job of it on our own!!
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Jabali says:Posted: 05 Sep 08DL, dogging, lying, cheating on your partner whatever.One and the same thing. You shouldn't do it.Period!
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URSEE1 says:Posted: 05 Sep 08
TWO MORE THINGS THAT THE MEN(PERHAPS GAY)NEED TO LEARN IS THAT LESBIANS HAVE THE LOWEST INCIDENCE OF AIDS PERIOD, ALSO THE CHANCES OF A WOMEN GIVING A MAN AIDS ARE EXTREMELY LOW. LIKE IT OR NOT GUYS, YOU ARE THE DISEASE SPREADERS, SO JUST DEAL WITH IT AND START BEING HONEST. ALSO ANY WOMAN WHO WOULD STAY WITH A MAN KNOWING HE'S CHEATING ON HER IS TRULY IN NEED OF PRAYER IN HER LIFE. ADULTERY IS ONE REASON THAT GOD WILL ALLOW YOU TO LEAVE, WHY WOULD YOU STAY? HE'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE, AND IF HE'S SLEEPING WITH MEN, HE NEEDS SOMETHING YOU CAN'T GIVE HIM. I CAN'T IMAGINE ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY OR SECURITY THAT WOULD MAKE ME DEGRADE MYSELF LIKE THAT. MY MOM LEFT MY DAD FOR CHEATING, AND SHE HAD THREE KIDS. IT WAS NOT EASY AND HE HELPED OUT VERY LITTLE, BUT SHE HAD HER PRIDE. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE 'HE'S A GOOD MAN' CRAP. HE IS NOT, HE WILL USE YOU FOREVER UNTIL HE'S SICK OF YOU THEN LEAVE YOU ANYWAY. THESE MEN DON'T LOVE THEMSELVES, DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY LOVE YOU? AREN'T YOU WORTH MORE THAN THAT??
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URSEE1 says:Posted: 05 Sep 08
I HOPE I NEVER HAVE TO EAT MY WORDS, BUT THE DL THING IS NOTHING NEW, IT'S JUST THAT FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE NOW GETTING CAUGHT AND WITH THE PAPPARAZZI AND THE INTERNET, NO ONE CAN HIDE FOR LONG. THAT BEING SAID, I'VE NEVER BEEN IN THIS SITUATION,I'VE NEVER BEEN CAUGHT BECAUSE I'M SMART AND I KEEP MY EYES OPEN. IF YOU READ THE BOOKS OR EVEN EXAMINE THE SITUATIONS WITH TERRY MACMILLAN AND STAR JONES YOU'LL SEE A LOT OF WOMEN WHO ONLY SEE WHAT THEY WANT TO SEE. MEN ON THE DL PREY ON THE NAIVE, AND WILL OFTEN GO FOR CHURCH GIRLS WHO ARE IGNORANT OF THE WORLD AND DESPARATE UNATTRACTIVE OR OLDER WOMEN. THE FIRST TIME I SAW TERRY'S MAN AFTER WAITING TO EXHALE I KNEW HE WAS GAY AND I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE DIDN'T. IN JK'S BOOK HE WAS WITH SOME OF THE MOST STUPID WOMEN I COULD IMAGINE. ONE ACTUALLY CAUGHT HIM NAKED IN BED WITH A MAN AND ACCEPTED HIS RIDICULOUS EXPLANATION. WOMEN HAVE TO BE SMART AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND PROTECT THEMSELVES. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYONE IN 2008 IS HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX WITH A MAN WHO ISN'T HER HUSBAND. YEAH MARRIED WOMEN GET CAUGHT UP BUT THAT IS JUST STUPID.WOMEN HAVE TO LEARN TO LISTEN TO THEIR INTUITION AND PUT THEMSELVES FIRST.
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Cindie says:Posted: 04 Sep 08
Black men on the DL are KILLING black women! And we're putting up with it??? WHY???????
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ron says:Posted: 03 Sep 08Hi, this article is full of prejudice. Yes, it is really not nice to cheat on your wife, and yes, it is irresponsible to have unprotected sex outside your marriage, ad yes, African American women and men are in higher danger of getting an AIDS infection. But it is not permittible to use gay sex as a synonym for "evil marriage ruining AIDS black male sex". Women are cheating on their partners, too, they have unprotected sex with female or male partners, and they spread their AIDS infection in the same way as men do, and the same is true for heterosexuals or other ethnicies in general. So the problem is simply, that many people have unprotected sex and don't tell. Married men who go on the DL do not tell their wifes, because the society generally does not tolerate relationships other than monogamous heterosexual ones. many "educated, modern, cleared up" people who claim to be free of such prejudices, are often those who actually foster them even more.
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Pia65 says:Posted: 03 Sep 08
CUTESAVED1 I TOTALLY AGREE WITH WHAT YOU WROTE!!!
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girlsixdiva says:Posted: 01 Sep 08
"Val" you misunderstood my point. I was not bashing gays, and your statement gives the impression that all gay men are on the DL which is not true. I have no problem with gay men, only the ones who are in relationships where they are lying to the significant other. If they are too ashamed to admit who they are, then they need to be alone instead of living a lie and hurting other people.
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malibuc says:Posted: 28 Aug 08
i agree with this article. i think whats caused this DL phenomenon in the 'Black Community' is this false mystique of having to be macho cause your black. i don't know where it comes from, but its there. kind of like the "your Black so you have to talk a certain way" you know 'lak diss, i aint said what you be talkin bout' and all that nonsense. people shouldn't decieve themselves. or others..... and that goes for all colors
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val says:Posted: 18 Aug 08'girlsixdiva' said DL men should be ashamed of themselves. I think that is exactly the problem. Shame & fear of rejection and criticism by family or others that have emotional power in their lives keeps them quiet. My son is gay, and many of his gay friends have not "come out" to family members out of fear. Meanwhile they have sort of 'another world' they socialze, party, & partner in. My son is NOT on the DL. But there is nothing that can be said (we've tried) to some of his friends to out themselves to family (especially a domineering father) so they pretend, having girlfriends and boyfriends in secret. Most of my son's friends use condoms, others don't. But I've learned the love sagas of homosexuals are mirrored in sagas experienced by heterosexuals. Gay men experience liars, cheaters & deceivers too. And heterosexuals were passing STDs to each other long before the "DL Crisis." This issue is so complicated. There are DL men that do use protection, and there are heterosexual cheaters (like my ex-husband) who don't. I hope the prejudice against gay men and the assumptions that fuel the anger people express against gays will end.
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Trawn says:Posted: 17 Aug 08
Once again, we are making this a total referendum on all Black Men do to HIV increases in our community. While the BM on the DL problem cannot be ignored, this is a much broader problem and goes well beyond BM on the DL. This article is suggesting the HIV problem in our community is being primarily fueled by BM on the DL. In other words, making it a Gay activities problem, we cannot afford for this to be the primary perspective for this problem. This is a behavior problem and it transcends this outline of this article. When we except any one type of destructive sexual behavior and ignore the others we set ourselves up for failure. Many of our Black Woman married and single are also engaged in sexual behavior that include women that are Gay, Bi-sexual or Bi-curious and if it is believed that these activities only include Women, we are mistaken. This behavior leads to activities in swinging, orgies, threesome, sex clubs, escorting, porn and other illicit behaviors for married and single Woman which is normally done on the DL. Very little attention is given to this because it is looked upon being differently. But a Married Women being turned out by another Woman is not likely to go and tell your husband goodbye and is not likely to walk away from her attraction to her either. After a while that new found sex partner will push the envelope and have that Married Woman participating in activities that is just as much apart of the problem. Go into our churches today we have just as many Black Women battling the DL issue if not more than we have BM at this point and if you talk to some of the Black Women that are or have been involved in this lifestyle you would be shocked at what you will hear and what they have been involved in and the danger they put themselves in and the mates also. All Good Black Men are not on the DL.
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fearlesscrus says:Posted: 17 Aug 08
"...come clean. Even if you have to lie..." ??????????
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girlsixdiva says:Posted: 15 Aug 08
To Nina: I am truly sorry to hear of your experience. But please don't be fooled into thinking that only Black men live on the DL. There are many instances of men of other races, including white, of also living a "DL" lifestyle.
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Sovoluptuous says:Posted: 12 Aug 08
Wow this topic is truly deep and it's something that we all need to talk about.
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lem says:Posted: 09 Aug 08y'all best wise up. if you ask a doctor or scientist if they knew a person had aids, and they used a condom would they still have sex with that person. overwhemingly, they said no. dsease is small. a scientific experiment puts blue water in a condom and put it in a flask of water, very quickly the flask of clear water turns blue. you are still putting your life in your hands. they are lying to you about this safe sex stuff. the only safe sex is none. my daughter is reading a book entitled unprotected. the basis is there is no safesex. the author is a clinician who treats people with aids. she wrote this book because of her conviction and responsibility to her patients. they were also being lied to. sad the men lie to their wives/women.it needs to be talked about, but the truth about protection needs to be told. i hear one of my fav judges talk about protected sex. and she is briliiant. doesn;t she know its not a truth to it. i don't want to be contacted, but i know this needs to be discussed. its like holding a loaded gun to your head and playing russian roulette. i don't have sex and have not been with a man since my husband. im waiting on the Lord to guide me through this. He who findeth a wife findeth a good thing. the Holy Spirit will say no or yes. if you listen. your very life depends upon this. Good life to you. its also against the knowledge of God and an abomination. this is what the bible says. that is also why so much is going on. too loose. people doing all kinds of things. end time living. a lot of women of color get this contrived disease because men in jail had homosexual sex. the prisons don't give a care and these men come out and pass it along to the unsuspecting women. its so sad. its gonna be paid though. the nazis scientist were brought here through kissinger and they developed this disease. it is not a natural plague. this has been known since the 80's. so much information that we don't pay attention to
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fkoi says:Posted: 02 Aug 08
Coming out may be inconvenient and it may negatively impact ones social, business and spiritual life. On the other hand, I have had Jamaicans tell me, "We would stone him to death," so a little embarrassment gets put into perspective. It seems to me that keeping such a big lie from your loved one indicates more trouble in the relationship than might appear. It's not like, "Honey, I've got something to tell you...I really don't like your meatloaf." If I was involved with a woman who was sleeping with others, I would want to know. I deserve to know. I get to make the choice whether to continue the relationship under those circumstances. So yeah, man up! Sleeping with men doesn't mean you are a wimp but not facing it sure does.
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anonymous says:Posted: 02 Aug 08
Melvin and Raven the marriage vows say for better or for worse. If a woman chooses to deal with some awful news from her husband, who are you two to sit there and judge her? We're on this site so we obviously don't have anybody...maybe the women's husbands have been taking care of them in all other ways...it's actually the same damn thing as the many husband's who sleep with other women and the wife works it out, they go to counseling and whatever and overcome it. People are too quick to divorce, for better or for worse means ANY kind of worse. If I was with a man who was truly a good man in all other ways and happened to tell me this heartbreaking news...I'd be crushed for a while, but then i would just mandate condoms from then on. If men who are willing and able to be in committed relationships were that easy to come by, i wouldn't know this site exists. You might trade the man who cheats for one that abuses you after he gets laid off own the line and turns to alcohol, and one day kills you. You may get one that spends you both into bankruptcy. Cheating in a marriage is cheating, no matter whether it's with a man or a woman...now what might make a difference for me trying to work it out, is if sex was nonexistent because the guy ONLY prefers men...if i had to live through something like that, he better at least be bisexual so I can feel like I am attractive to the man I married. He also better be on the giving end both with me and whoever else, and never on the receiving end. lol. I'm just stepping outside my natural instinct to say HELL NO and thinking of the reality of how hard it is to meet relationship material (in all other areas)...and to have gotten married and given YEARS of my life to this individual...then have to pack up and start this dating bullshit all over again? Sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you DON'T. If anything that guy might end up an even better husband if you stay and keep his secret cause he knows he will likely never find another woman like you, and it will save him having to announce his little tendencies to any new females.
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Tellulah says:Posted: 31 Jul 08
Black Churches and it's pastors/leaderships play a key role in this ugly matter facing Black America. From a Biblical/spiritual/ perspective, I agree that the buck starts and stops with the Black Male. I know of what I speak. I am HIV negative, however, it was merely via the grace of God. I unknowingly married a closeted homosexual (a down low brother). I am part of a support group of black women that share this misfortune. However, for some of them, the diagnosis was not as kind. We all married professional, educated, seemingly straight God-fearing, church-going (and tithing) "Christian" black men who lied to us and continue to lie to themselves and all others who know them for the most part. Yes, the Black Church; the one place where, historically, a black man learned he could go, be accepted, and feel like a man. It is also the same place that rejects and refuses support of the very people that have supported it, come rain or shine, from it's very beginnings- BLACK WOMEN - in this ungodly situation. When word of their trouble with their closeted gay spouses is reported to the pastors/church leadership, oft times, SHE is turned out and left with nowhere to go. These Narcisistic Gay Black Men know that they can continue with their facade, going unchallenged within the walls of black churches as long as they continue to write the checks and fill the coffers. As is the case in many of these churches, this behavior, attitude, and sickness filters throughout its walls; the pulpit, music ministry, as well as the pew. Yes. There exists a secret network of these men in Black America. What Roland Martin carefully refused to add within his CNN commentary reported July 30, 2008, was this vital information that has resulted in the rise of the infection rate among educated, viable, middle class black women. So do not get it twisted, do not be deceived. It is Black America's Dirty Little Secret. And it is killing us! No more brothers for me. This situation is what lead me to join this website and "crossover". Hell, black men have been doing whatever they selfishly feel bold enough to do for decades. They will do no more damage to my mind, body, or spirit. I am done!
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Member says:Posted: 29 Jul 08
There's no such thing as down low.Gay is gay & you can put any name you think that justifies it.People that practice this behavior & that's what it is practiced.They should stop going around preying on other people for own selfish needs. Go somewhere & pray & ask God for remdeption & deliverance from that demon from hell.If a wife still remains to stay with a husband she has very low self esteem & deserves better out of life.
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Raven3658 says:Posted: 28 Jul 08Wow! This is a heavy article but so necessary and so true. For the life of me I cannot understand why a woman with self esteem and pride would accept this lifestyle from a man (no boy). It is definately not just black men because my girlfriend who is black married a white guy she met on line. They were married for 8 years before he told her that he was also sleeping with men. To my surprise she stayed with him and it is 3 yrs later. They have no kids and she said they are not intimate. What would be the reason for staying then...other than the bills get paid. A man living on the DL is a gay man...period.
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CEE-CEE112 says:Posted: 27 Jul 08
I think this is an excellent article and needs to be shared. I found out, I'm not alone. I've been married for 15yrs., four years ago my husband sat me down to tell me something that he said I needed to know, he said that he realized he loved me and was in love with me and that he wanted to continue our marriage ,but, would understand if I didn't, he then went on to tell me that, he hadn't been faithful for the first 10yrs.of our marriage, he slept with so many women he can't count, and a man which he had a relationship with. Well, needless to say, this blew me away. Who the hell was he to keep this bullshit from me this long, to take 10yrs.to decide whether or not he wanted to be married, after the fact, then... A MAN!!!? I asked, did he use protection,his answer, NO. I asked him did he realize he could've just killed both our children's parents, because of his stupidity and selfishness, and, NO, he didn't realize that either. I was blessed, I tested negative for STD's and HIV/AIDS. Here it is 4yrs.later, we're still together, and he's mad, because I won't get all out freaky and buckwild with him or perform oral sex, to me, that's too much like putting on someones dirty draws and being an unwilling lesbian. To all the males out there, MAN-UP and GROW-UP, a woman deserves to know and make her own decisions. When you guys are being immature and selfish like this you need to know the consequences may life-altering, life-threatening, and even life-ending, so, if you can't bring yourself to be honest and tell the truth, PLEEEEEASE...correctly, use a condom, her(his) life and yours depends on it.
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girlsixdiva says:Posted: 26 Jul 08
Men who live on the DL ought to be ashamed of themselves. I actually have a strong feeling that there are some of them on this site, as well as other websites. Ladies, always trust your gut feeling. If there's something a little too effeminate about him, let him go!
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Valerie says:Posted: 26 Jul 08Thank you. this has got to stop, I saw this movie the other day called Cover, it mad me so angry. men are not honest, if you sleep with men that makes you gay, why then get your women or your wife mixed up in this web, just come out of the closet and keep it real,and stop hurting those that you claim you LOVE
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cutesaved1 says:Posted: 24 Jul 08
Amen! To play with other peoples lives like that is truly the most selfish, irresponsible of acts.
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Living life on the DL is not something that can be attributed to African American or any other race of men, only. In reading the comments above I see everyone blaming the men/liar. On commenter even stated that she hated seeing him and only accepted the gifts (car,etc.) because she felt he owed them to her. He owes you nothing but he does owe the child whom the both of you parent everything he/she requires in life. I see in the comments above and hear whenever this happens to someone I know. If you would all stop and really/truly look at the relationship you shared with that man you would actually see that there were certain signs there all along. They may have been subtle but they were there. Stop and think about the comment he made about some attractive man on TV or in a movie, the subtle/not so subtle glance at the gay man walking down the street. The signs were there. You were so blinded by what you had with him that you failed to see them. This is really no different than the man who cheats with another woman. The signs are always there somewhere, we just choose to consciously/unconsciously ignore them. And ignore them we do. When it hits us in the face we claim to have had no idea when upon reflection we are forced to admit there were signs all along. We are constantly hearing about the men on the DL but what about the women whose men suddenly find out that they were living a liar's life while sleeping with other women? Hey, there are a helluva lot of sisters on the DL also. So, let's not overlook this when we start quoting the biblical scriptures.