Girl wants her mixed-race brother explained

Posted by James, 05 Aug 13

Imagine having an affair. Your husband forgives you. You realize you are pregnant from the affair. He still doesn’t kick you’re a** out because: Hey you two have a 2 year old daughter so let’s make this work! Problem is: The affair was with a black man. Your family is white! 9 months down the line and Congratulations! It’s a mixed race boy!

All this time, the neighbors have been talking… You don’t give a crap. You just let them fill in the dots however way they wanna. Big problem is: Your daughter is no longer 2. She is much older now. She can see that her brother doesn’t look like the rest of the family and has started asking questions. Much as the neighbors don’t bother you, you now get worried because the story is getting around and soon it will get to your daughter.

This is a true story and I am sure there are many families who have had similar experiences. In her case, you would have expected that maybe she and hubby might have discussed about what to say to the kids before the baby was born but lemme cut them some slack. Maybe at the time they had the affair itself to deal with.

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At this age it would be a bit graphical to give it to her straight – "I had an affair with a black man and bam! Your brother!"

There is an easier lie to all this: "Your brother is adopted."

There is the sugar coating bit as you wait till they are older: "Families are different and ours is special. What’s important is that you have a mother and a father who love you no matter how you look" and wait till they are much older, when they can understand reproduction and DNA and give the truth to them in small doses.

How would you have handled this?

8 responses to "Girl wants her mixed-race brother explained"

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  1.   dont_know says:
    Posted: 02 Sep 13

    I truly don't like the advice given suggesting to lie to the children and tell them one of them, the one who "looks different" is adopted. Why do that, to anyone? That's her brother. that's her son! That's their son, because the husband has agreed and accepted his wife as she is. If anything, if the the daddy actually legally adopted the son, then and only then, can or even should they tell anyone he's adopted, because at least then, you wouldn't be lying to your own trusting children. Lying always fails, even if it is good-intentioned. Because once one discovers you have lied to them, then they have to question every other thing you have ever said and wonder when you will come clean about those other lies (even if there aren't any - you have permanently soiled the well of trust) and they will always wonder when the other shoe will drop. What's the famous quote? "If you worry about what others think, then you become their prisoner." Let those children live free with the truth and join them, even if the rest of the world hasn't figured out how to live free yet.

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    • matt says:
      Posted: 04 Sep 13

      This is a situation that unfortunately hits too close to home for me. My daughter, who I love dearly, is not mine. As fas as the state legal system is concerned, she is mine because my name is on her birth certificate. I am white, my wife is black. The boy my wife had an affair with was also black. My daughter is actually darker than my wife. Fortunately she looks just like my wife. There will be a day when explanations will be required. Someone will comment or she will ask herself. She will be a smart girl. Despite the problems my wife and I have had, I will not lie to my child. She has my love. I am her "dada". The only one she will ever know. That was part of the agreement when I forgave my wife and chose to raise this little angel. I won't lie to her because she needs to be able to trust me as a parent and respect me. Will it be easy? No. It will be the most painful day of my life. So that's my recommendation here. Tell the truth. You made the mistakes. You made the decision. Be an adult and grow up. Accept the consequences of your actions.

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  2.   dave_74 says:
    Posted: 29 Aug 13

    I think at the very least, make a note to use some form of birth control the next time you cheat on your husband. For such a thing to happen One time = he's a caring , understanding, forgiving, twice = He's an idiot.

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  3.   TudorRose09 says:
    Posted: 08 Aug 13

    The behavior of this mother disgusts me, there is no excuse for cheating and for her to be okay with pushing the interests of her son and daughter to the side says a lot about her. So so selfish, I swear parents or the lack thereof these days. I would of handled it by not cheating to begin with.

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    • Jesterguy says:
      Posted: 10 Aug 13

      Well that's because you are a woman of Character...

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    • silverlily7 says:
      Posted: 31 Aug 13

      We're all human! She made a mistake! And truth be told, her husband have probably cheated on her as well (but just didn't get caught). And obviously he wasn't doing something right for her to be out there cheating with a black guy. Nice of you to think that you wouldn't cheat to begin with. But this woman did and this situation is here for them to deal with. In response to the author, I would have handled it by telling my daughter straight out "Your brother has a different daddy". And explained it to her on her level. As for the mother who had the affair, got pregnant, and stayed with her husband. I think she should have just called it a divorce because 9 times out of 10, if he was not cheating at first, its sure to come. Sure her "husband" will cheat and feel justified for doing so. Btw, what happened to the black guy she had an affair with (he is still her son's father)???

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  4. Posted: 06 Aug 13

    Children are resilient. If you explain when they are old enough they will understand.

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  5.   Sheri says:
    Posted: 05 Aug 13

    This is what happens when people don't think before they act. These poor children are the ones who will suffer because of the adults decision. You need to explain as early as possible so they both can be prepared to answer the questions and also have enough courage to stand up to the negative comments.

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