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Can we divorce prejudice from dating preference?

Posted by James, 10 Jun

Whenever one tries to explain why they prefer dating someone from a different race, they end up sounding prejudicial; not only to their own race but at times to the race of preference. Take the example of this white man trying to explain why he prefers dating Asian women:

“I find Asian women very attractive. The Asian features, black hair, slender builds, golden skin, and Asian eyes are extremely appealing to me … The Asian women I have dated were extremely loyal.”

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The above can be taken out of context. For example, ‘extremely loyal’ could be translated by many to mean ‘submissive’ which doesn’t sit well with most Asian women.

Lets flip the coin a lil': Why do Asian women date White men? A woman Michelle Phi explains in a previous post:

“I have never dated an Asian guy, and will probably never date an Asian guy… I’m a very Americanized Asian girl who needs a very Americanized male.” In the same post, another one says: “I think it is an issue of cultural assimilation. Overall, I have found Asian men too ‘Eastern’ in their thinking about women”

Sounds prejudicial toward Asian men right? Kinda like Asian American women think Asian American men aren't Americanized enough.

But however you try to put it or explain your dating preferences – interracial or same race – it seems to me there will always be some toes you will step on. For years, Black men and women have tried to explain why they date white women and white men respectively and it always sounds off; because half the time, in a bid to explain their preferences, they tend to say why they don’t date their own race.

But even when they give reasons why they prefer Caucasian, the other group can’t help but think the opposite applies to them. When one says white women are nurturing, black women can’t help but assume it means they are not.

So this guy asks “Why is the saying 'gentleman prefer[s] blondes' not held up to the same scrutiny as a White man who prefers Asian looks?” I mean, both are dating preference. But just because one involves dating a minority race, people are all eyes, reading in between every line.

So what is the best way to explain one's dating preference politically correct? Does trying to embellish the reasons for one's dating preference even matter or will it just sound prejudicial regardless?

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26 responses to "Can we divorce prejudice from dating preference?"

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  1.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 13 Feb 10

    One can only tackle the problem of racism and prejudice with a "reality" check which leads to a "real" conversation about prejudice. Some people "automatically shut down" when the conversation about the reality of racism and how it inherently drives white america comes up. This is especially evident when a black woman will make an excuse for a white man ,still married to his white wife can confess that he "thinks" about black women because he is only NOW noticing them. Peace, love and utopian thinking won't change the mind of the John Mayers' of the world,sorry. People need to have an honest conversation with themselves and then with each other.

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  2.   teacher1616 says:
    Posted: 18 Oct 09

    I think interracial dating is a beautiful thing. It is what it is, it is what attracts you, it is what turns u on. It can be anyone but we all know our 'type'. To me, opposites do attract. I date interracially and the color contrast is a huge turn on to me. It just is! I do think it is amazing as somehow the men I am attracted to are attracted to me too. I guess that goes for anyone but I feel like as much as I am attracted to african american men, they are attracted to me. Or maybe it is just a mutual connection....go with the flow...who cares???

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  3.   Teska27 says:
    Posted: 15 Sep 09

    I think that people need to learn how to mind their own business. If someone doesn't like interracial dating....SO WHAT!!! Its not anyone else's place to decide who we can or can not date. We all should date who ever makes us happy. There are more important issues in the world than to be worried about who's dating who...

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  4.   segahikui says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 09

    Well said trulysassi! I agree totally with what you said. I couldn't have put it better. Socialization has a big impact on why we choose who we choose. However, I cannot ignore the attraction factor. I have dated interracially most of my life and I don't limit myself. If people are mutually attracted to one another they should go for it. One last thing, I think that a lot of people are attracted to people of other races but they are afraid of what their family and friends might think. My one time girlfriend told her dad that she was dating a black man and he flipped out! She got a lot of "stuff" for that.

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  5.   RadiantMommy says:
    Posted: 21 Aug 09

    Interracial dating is a beautiful thing, you cant help what you like. If you eyes wonder and your curious about something than naturally you should explore that. I have dated interracially for years and have a 3 year old bi-racial daughter as a result. Many men have asked me why i prefer to date outside of my race and my answer to them is personal preference. Just as some men love blondes etc..etc... I happen to love black men. That is not to say if a white/Asian/Indian man came along and we hit it off that i would NOT date him...i definately would. I just cnt help but be attracted to blk men initially, i guess it just comes from within.

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  6.   trulysassi says:
    Posted: 20 Aug 09

    The reality is that our prejudices can have a major impact on those we choose or don't choose to date. I think that many people mask their racial prejudices by simply claiming that their dating choices are purely due to their preference for one group over another. We live in a world that is filled with bigotry so it just makes sense that some of things (features/characteristics) we find attractive result from that socialization. Personally, I'm open to dating someone from any racial/ethnic group if I find him attractive. However, I do understand that some people have very strong physical preferences. What I find totally unacceptable with some who choose to date inter-racially is the way they stereotype their own group and/or that of the person they are dating.

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  7.   85kguy says:
    Posted: 08 Aug 09

    Western asian men from Hong Kong to Japan are selecting different women from the traditional of their exact asian culture. I have seen some articles on this. Some european women are crazy about guys that are not traditional european guys. US Military guys in Germany marry a lot of german women. Some people prefer a pc and some prefer a macintosh. Others prefer to play with LINUX computers and some like all computer operating systems. From dating to computer operating systems, non-traditional preferences seem to come when there are more acceptance and understanding of options.

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  8.   Roger says:
    Posted: 08 Aug 09

    I have to support Jamaicangirl's comment. NYC does depress me since I hardly ever see Asian women with Asian men. People like to criticize white men for having "yellow fever," but the truth of the matter is, Asian female "white fever" is much much stronger. I think that the trend really is sign of female excessive pickiness. White women are making it harder and harder on white men, so the white men resort to Asian women. And Asian women make it really tough on Asian men. Women speak ceaselessly about their own body image problems, but are completely shameless about how they discriminate based on height and race.

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  9.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 05 Aug 09

    If you choose to date someone because of their race, uh, er, a, that IS prejudice (preconceived judgment or opinion - "Merriam-Webster"). Even at that I'm sure that someone who is attracted to Esther Rolle wouldn't necessarily be attracted to Halle Berry. And attraction is the operative word. If I am attracted to a woman and she to me, do we really have to explain "Why" to anyone else? Would the phrase, "It's none of you business!" be politically correct enough?

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  10.   csj260972 says:
    Posted: 03 Aug 09

    In the search for love/lust, casting as wide a met as possible has to be a good thing surely. I grew up in a very culturally diverse area and so dated men of all faiths/colours. No one type of guy was ever any different to the other in respect of how I was treated, as I don't accept poor treatment. Nor do I treat people poorly myself. If you've got an open heart and mind but are nobody's fool, you'll only get the best out of all people. I'm still looking for my Mr. Right and enjoying the search very much. Peace

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  11.   latinonly1 says:
    Posted: 31 Jul 09

    Speaking from a white female perspective, it's becoming more and more accepted for various races to cross date/date interracially. I prefer Hispanic/Australian men and everyone has their own preferences. My brother's wife is african american and totally beautiful inside and out. She was herself and she never had to "fit" into some worped since of "American Caucasian" culture. Maybe my entire family are from Mars but I've lived primarily around caucasians who appeared to be very open to all races. Maybe it depends on where your born and raised I guess. My answer to the blog question would be yes. But america really has some work to do when it comes to breaking down those barriers/walls/stereotypes.

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  12.   Austrian says:
    Posted: 27 Jul 09

    bigeyes31, you are correct in your observation about differences in the majority of U.S and European men. There are exceptions, as we very well know! History had a great impact on this fact.

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  13.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 27 Jul 09

    addendum: Native European white male. They seem to be less concerned and influence by subconscious racist beliefs and mindsets than American white males.

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  14.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 27 Jul 09

    This is only my opinion obviously and is formed from my experience. White (American) men who wish to date black women want her to be fully assimilated into caucasian culture. She can't be too "black". Only women from all of the other races,hispanic, asian,etc., can be themselves and participate in their culture. I think it is better for black women who wish to date caucasian should include the European white male to her options. Just a thought.

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  15.   Member says:
    Posted: 26 Jul 09

    i think that maybe its probably better to just say "i am attracted to that race". because it avoids stereotypes, and you are giving enough information to suffice the question being asked of you. and that is all that should be said and needs to be said. people dont need to know one's personal hang ups with other races.

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  16.   Zenergetic says:
    Posted: 22 Jul 09

    Having a personal aesthetic is not prejudice. Finding one person's racial qualities more visually appealing than another person's is no more prejudice than finding Renaissance paintings more visually appealing than Dadaism. Its personal aesthetic. It only become racism when you judge a person's character based on that initial look and base all subsequent interactions based on that appearance. I do have one question for the black christian/catholics here though. Has it occurred to any of you that one of the main reasons why racism still exists in the USA is because people still cling to a monotheistic mythology that promotes, above all else, that there is only one true path and all others are wrong by default and, likewise, that there is only one chosen people of said supreme entity and all others are somewhere between "not as ethical" and "objectifiable evil"? Of course the obvious answer is that not all people view or utilize religion in that manner. However, since the notion of God is all based on faith instead of reason, doesn't the utilization of "My God said so" to validate all the beneficial things in life only give the miscreants the same ability to use "My God said so" to validate all their abusive actions? Are people really so desperate for the feeling of community that we'll attach ourselves to an easier path even though it may very well be keeping ourselves out of the greater sense of community that we all long for in the long run?

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  17.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 04 Jul 09

    I said 'womem'. Gotta love typos!

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  18.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 04 Jul 09

    You're awesome, Robinlh. So is Vivi36. I love womem. Especially ones like you!

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  19.   robinlh says:
    Posted: 04 Jul 09

    I like all races, as long as they are male! I just love men period! The luck is finding a good one!

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  20.   Vivi36 says:
    Posted: 01 Jul 09

    If men of other races want you, good going! You're doing something right!

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  21.   Vivi36 says:
    Posted: 01 Jul 09

    I can honestly say that I have dated the whole gamut, Caucasian, Asian Hispanic and African American men!I honestly have no preference, I just enjoy being in the company of men who treat me well, regardless of their race. I have a 15 year old son who is biracial, his father has blond hair and blue eyes. He is a beautiful kid. I am aware as are most of you that not everyone likes interracial dating, it simply isn't for everyone, but it doesn't have to be(different strokes for different folks)! I am however against anyone looking out of their race simply because they have self hatred or because they believe another sex in another race is better, (skin shade, treatment) this is almost reverse racism and is completely ridiculous! I have fun and have different experiences outside of my race but do not discriminate against my own, I just refuse to be limited by the men in my life because of the color of my skin, or the color of their skin. And i feel completely fulfilled! Isn't that the goal of life?

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  22.   Fire321 says:
    Posted: 30 Jun 09

    Let's face facts...whatever a person's reason is for dating interracially, it will never be a good enough reason to some people. I don't personally think anyone has to justify why they choose to date someone of another race. There will always be a group of people that will pick apart their reasons. Doesn't matter what your reason is, do what makes you happy.

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  23.   MissDeedz says:
    Posted: 23 Jun 09

    The only explanation is that 'it does it for you'! You like what you like and there doesn't have to be some huge explanation or political self-flagellation. Some people date others who look a particular way or behave a particular way or live in a particular place or blah blah blah. Could be anything really.

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  24.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 16 Jun 09

    Yes we definitely can! I spent my half of my life from birth in military communities. All races of people, not just from that city or state, but from all over the country and abroad inhabited those communities. The things that this melting pot of men and woman of all races, young and old, helped develop my perception of people in general, including myself and especially of women. I have no bias when it comes to woman. I know the stereotypes, but I see those in which they apply and those that they don't, including the ones regarding me as a man and/or as a black man. I can read magazines, surf the internet, turn on the TV and see all of the things that a person will claim they find so appealing or appalling about members of another race or their own. However, I can get a real life and go out to see these members of other races as well as my own and see something totally different... not to mention the same. My preference for women has nothing to do with what race is more this or less that. It's similar to going to a car dealership, deciding on a vehicle based on gas mileage, features, comfort, make, model, as well as color. To me, some make and models look better in a certain color, and at times color won't matter more to me than features. However, gas mileage is pretty important in all cases, at least with me it is. Not to insult any woman by comparing her to a car, but cars can reliably get us from point A to point B, and a woman can help a man through life through thick and thin. It's the best way I could explain my view on the topic at hand. Stereotypes often drive dating choices, but not in all cases. Not even in most. Even a person in which it does has to choose which black, white, Asian, Latino, or other out of the entire bunch they prefer. How is that determined? Physically, intellectually, traditionally, and/or morally. That's how.

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  25.   jamaicangirl says:
    Posted: 11 Jun 09

    As far as the topic at hand is concerned, the answer is "no". It is not a physical preference. It is based almost entirely on race. Take for example the case of Black women. A dark skinned Indian will not experience romantic discrimination. A "broad-nosed" Chinese girl will not experience romantic discrimination. A Jewish girl with "tightly-curled" hair will not experience dating discrimination. So it is not "physical features" that are usually preferences when it comes to selecting women as partners. It is usually race. Stereotypes- white women are easy and slutty, Asian women are submissive and don't argue with you, black women have big butts, etc. These are what drive dating choices.

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  26.   jamaicangirl says:
    Posted: 11 Jun 09

    I have to say that it has gotten to the point in NYC that I am shocked every time I see an East Asian girl with an East Asian male. It is a rarity outside of the Chinatowns....

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