Help me come out!

Posted by James, 18 Jul

I am in an interracial relationship and my father is a racist

I am a black woman in an interracial relationship with this lovely white man. We have been dating for over two years now and our relationship has gotten to a point where he feels we should move things along. Danny has clearly expressed his intentions to marry me. The problem is: I have been hiding him from my father. Reason: he is a bigot and is extremely against black women white men dating; especially when the relationship involves a black woman.

Is my interracial relationship going to survive my father's bigotry?

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I remember 2 years ago; we were having dinner at my parent’s house. I happened to mention that there was this cute white guy who is into me and confessed that I liked him too.

Much as I had my suspicions about my father being racist. In fact, I always convinced myself that he wasn’t racist; just a man uncomfortable with the unfamiliar.

But on this particular day, I saw just how much racism he had within him. He told me, I should never dream of bringing him home. And he even told me that if I ever dated a white man, I should forget about him being my father. “Find yourself a goddam black man. And if you can’t I will find one for you!”, he growled. He said all this banging his fist on the table then stormed off without finishing his dinner. Man, was I glad I wasn’t sitting near him.

His statement really infuriated me. There I was, a 21-year-old woman with my own place then my father, with his stupid black racism is forbidding me to date a guy I really like because he can’t see beyond race? Well, his petty threats didn’t stop me. Danny and I started dating soon after.

For the last two years, I have had to hide my relationship. My mother and my brother have met him. They love Danny. I really treasure my relationship with my dad. And much as my mom is insisting on me coming out about our relationship, that he will come around, to be honest, the rage I saw during that day over dinner… that is not a rage of someone who will ever come around.

Racism in America today is real

And it’s sad for me because it’s in our home. Parents are cutting off their children for dating interracially. Some are even disowning them; something my father promised to do if he as much as heard that I was dating a white man. I wonder whether his reaction would have been different if it was a fellow colored person… say, Latino.

We live in a pretty mixed neighborhood. What I am wondering is where all his hate stems from. Is it intuitional racism or structural racism? Funny thing, as my mother puts it, he can live with a black man in an interracial relationship. The reverse, on the other hand, is something he cannot comprehend. And by the look of things, he’d rather die than see me dating a white man.

I have tried to hold things off with Danny for too long. And from the look of things, he is getting tired of it. I have met his parents. And I don’t want to lose him over this. I am sure, even though Danny has explained to his parents why he hasn’t met my father yet, they are wondering what kind of marriage we will have (if we ever get there) without my father in our lives.

My mother is right. Maybe I should grow a pair, go with Danny and ask my mother to hide all the guns my father has lol. (He looks like his level of racism can make him go temporarily insane and shoot someone). This dude can’t stand strangers in interracial relationships. This is his own daughter we are talking about.

I am in such a dilemma people. I really don’t want to hide all this from him. I would like my father to get to know Danny because he is such a sweet man. I really want my father in our lives and if I am lucky, I would love for him to walk me down the aisle someday. I don’t want to have to choose between Danny and my father. That will really devastate me.

Please help!

How do I come out of the closet and explain to my father that I have been and still am in an interracial relationship with the same white man he once forbade me to date?

12 responses to "Help me come out!"

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  1. Posted: 30 Sep

    If he was equally against Black men dating White women I could somehow take him seriously. He is simply insecure and entitled. Perhaps he had an experience earlier in his life where a White man 'stole' from him. Too bad. I wouldn't be surprised if he was misogynist too. Move on, marry Danny and be happy. He can come around or remain outside but he wasn't going to ruin my chance at happiness.

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  2.   PhillyBob says:
    Posted: 26 Sep

    Your fathers racism will not change. I would say live your life but don't even bother trying to change a racist mind. Best thing I find works for me is avoid racists including my parents

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  3. Posted: 07 Sep

    QUESTION HAVE YOU MET YOUR BOYFRIEND PARENTS YET? MAYBE YOU SHOULD MEET THEM FORST THEN GO FROM THERE; DON'T BURN YOUR BRIDGE WITH YOUR FATHER; HE MOST IIKELY HAS BEEN DISRESPECTED AS A AFRICAN AMERICAN AKA MAN OF COLOR N HAS HAD DISCRIMMINATION DONE UPON HIM AS WELL. 2 SIDES REMEBER THAT/ BUT MEET YOUR BOYFRIEND PARENTS FIRST SEE HOW THEY ARE.

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  4.   Lizhbs says:
    Posted: 06 Sep

    *to bat, and *we can neither...

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  5.   Lizhbs says:
    Posted: 06 Sep

    Love worth having is also worth going the bat for. If your father disowns you for love, I think he's being a terrible parent. We cannot live through our children's experiences, nor try to balance theirs with our own. I agree with KJusThis1nce, rip the band-aid off and have the talk. The longer you wait, the worse off both you and your guy will feel, and that will probably end it. Fight the fight worth fighting for. Good luck to you!

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  6.   peterness says:
    Posted: 14 Aug

    Seriously, do what you want. Do you, your mother or your brother know what your dad's issue is? I assume you do? Maybe you can all reason with him or talk him about it?

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  7.   peterness says:
    Posted: 14 Aug

    Move to Canada where we have gun control... ;-) Things might get heated, but you can talk it out without resorting to violence.... That was a joke but there might be some truth there?

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  8. Posted: 02 Aug

    As a father, that is set in my own ways as well,(not racially) just ....ways. You need to come out and be on the offensive, don't let dad put you on the defensive, make sure dad knows how much you love and respect him, but stay in front of him and don't let him storm off, start it and finish it all together, in one whack, when you leave your dad's house you and your dad need to know that this relationship is solid as a rock and that it is best for you, and could be best for your dad should he decide to get on board and continue to know, love and, RESPECT the daughter in which he has so obviously instilled deep rooted family values in, show him you are the strong beautiful black woman he he helped raise, and don't back down. with that said, i wish you all the luck and i don't envy your position. But, you can and will do it, for yours, Danny's and your fathers sake.

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  9.   KBreezy65 says:
    Posted: 29 Jul

    It's your life. Don't be miserable for someone else's happiness

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  10.   Lynn1247 says:
    Posted: 22 Jul

    I totally understand what you are saying and do sympathize. I am from a mixed background and part of that mixture is African American. Black people have had a very difficult time in this country. Racism (against blacks ) is still pretty rampant. I've always felt like the "other" and have never left accepted by black people, but I do understand and sympathize with your father's feelings! That being said, I don't think I'd give up that wonderful guy, either. True love is too hard to find! I'd go on with my life and my plans for happiness. Perhaps, one day your father will "come around!" I've heard it said that having children is a great relationship healer. Good luck!

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  11. Posted: 22 Jul

    I would not stop dating him because of your Father you have a right to love who you want to love. My ex-husband told me that his Mother was a little racist but when I met her she was great. We became great friends and I am still friends with her to this day.

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