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Are Black women more likely to be single?

Posted by James, 15 Jul

black women singleStatistics show that compared with white women, black women are twice as likely to be single.

Have you met this woman? She has a good job, works hard, earns a good salary. She went to college, got her master’s degree; she is intelligent. She is personable, articulate, well read, interested in everybody and everything. Yet, she’s single… Black folks look up to her, and white folks know she is a force to be reckoned with. Yet … the men leave her alone… They [black women] have so much; what is it they lack Why is it they may be able to hook a man but can’t hold him?

- A public school administrator with the District of Columbia expresses the frustration and disappointment shared by many black women in the book: What's Love Got to Do With It?: Understanding and Healing the Rift Between Black Men and Women.

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National stats show that 42% of black women have never been married, compared to 21% of white women. Yes, it’s twice as much. But does this mean Black women are doomed to be single?

People have thrown around so many reasons in a bid to explain the above stats. The most sighted are: lack of good single black men; the black woman is too independent to need a man to take care of her; undercover gay black men; the list is endless… But does this really explain the above statistics? The above reasons only explain why black women don’t get married to black men.

While reflecting, this public administrator decides not to ask the question ‘What’s wrong with Black men’, but ‘What’s wrong with her and other black women’. She discovered that “the skills that make one successful in the church, community or workplace are not the skills that make one successful in a relationship… sometimes an achieving woman will place her boyfriend so low on her list of priorities that his interest wanes… she’s seldom “there” for him, for the preliminaries that might develop a commitment to a woman.” This administrator places the black women’s dating challenges on black women themselves.

In trying to explain why most black women are single, in our reasoning, we tend to forget all about interracial marriage. For once, let’s think outside the box. Do you believe black women are the least likely group to get married in the U.S.? Do you think the administrator is right – blaming the black woman for her being single?

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261 responses to "Are Black women more likely to be single?"

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  1.   Rheah59 says:
    Posted: 05 Aug 09

    It is sad to see how the relationship between men and women, have deteriorated to such a degree. Instead of us validating one another’s feelings we are busy justifying excusing or defending ourselves. There is no need to tear one another down. Everyone of us has an experience whether we are male, female, black or white and what makes up our experience is our own built by the understanding of where we are within ourselves whether we ar whole or with emotional or physical disturbances in our lives. Not one of us can live inside of another person’s experience or process experiences in the same way. We are individuals. If someone tells me that they were abused by a black mother or mistreated by a black father; hated by a white employer; then all that I can or should say to that is; “Wow or I’m sorry, that’s too bad. How are you doing as a result of this?” Now what if some of these scenarios are true and some are not? How would I truly know? Thereby taking what they have told me; my best course of action is to sympathize. It is better to ere on the side of compassion. I would love to have seen some of your responses come such as this; Tammygirl/djstime, It is unfortunate that you feel this way towards me. That is not the truth in whom or what I am, I would like to clarify a few points and hopefully we can all come away with a better understanding of one another. This is a perfect opportunity to unite our culture and restore what has been broken between our race and the sexes. So without calling one another names, let’s create a dialog that will be affective for future generations to come. Therefore I have heard your opinion of what you think of me but I do not receive it as truth unto myself. Only I know what is in my heart and only I have lived my experience. As an aside to one and all; Brother’s and Sister’s we’ve got to start somewhere. Let’s stop tearing one another down and try lifting one another up. Let us validate one another’s experiences and work to salvage what we can for humanities sake. Until we are able to admit that we have all fallen short— take responsibility and repent (meaning don’t do it again and repair what we can and have done)—than the war will continue to rage. We can start by leaving out the name calling even in referring to someone in your life story. We should all be mature enough to take the high road. A child asking about a missing parent in their life should not have to know that either one of his parents was a whore. Let’s be kind to one another. Peace, Rheah59

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  2.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 09

    "I think men in general don’t want to be married." No, babe, don't say that. Like Renee says, it depends on the guy. Everything else you said was good, yet you broke my heart with that line. Shame on you!

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  3.   renee24 says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 09

    i agree with some of bigeyes comments it depends on the women, what she requires out of the man she's dating,her dating habits and so on and i think some men (depending on the guy)are more willing to be married, not all men are afraid of commitment

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  4.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 09

    I don't think that black women are more likely to be single more than any other race of women. I think men in general don't want to be married. Also, there are many people, especially the younger people in their twenties and early thirties who are deciding against marriage. This includes men AND women. I just choose not to allow statistics to decide what's going to happen to me or color my outlook. I'm tired of these "doom and gloom"topics ,but I keep coming back because I like the exchanges. We have to be careful not to keep absorbing all these negative numbers and statements,because do it long enough and you become a self-fulfilling prophecy. There is a scripture in the bible that instructs those of us who believe to "guard your heart". I'm going to trust God, wait on him, believe HIS data. I believe if I do this he will guide me to my mate and my mate to me and I don't care what color he is. Peace

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  5.   djstime says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 09

    Ichibod...no words man...you are a brave true soul and have offered evenhanded objectivity to this subject...Thanks man!...and as accurate as your comments are, I’m sure you will get bum rushed for them...and for what?...not a single line of what you said is a lie...but let’s see who will actually read it and can take that truth... And you know what, to think of it, Tammygirls attitude is what turns me off, I actually think she is attractive and I would absolutely date her...skin color and look is not all its about, its what’s in your head, heart, and what you choose to allow to come out of your mouth... Great post...Ich... Djstime...

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  6.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 09

    Two parents don't always make a happy home. My home was happy, with two parents and a older brother, but I was blessed. There are many others that aren't as fortunate. The one thing I hate the most is how black men seem to have the worst reputation of not being present in their children's lives. Why is that? There are numerous reason yet we only get pegged with one. We just like forsaking our responsibilities. "...but when a child questions why their father aren’t around..." I wondered this myself and have heard many shocking answers from single mothers, relatives that are sinlge mother, as well as friends and relatives of single mothers. I've heard that the fathers at times are kept away from their children by the mothers, some single mothers were married and are now widowed, some are just dead and were never married to the mothers, some men don't even know that they are fathers, some are incarcerated, some are just stupid, and some were never even trying to be fathers just as the women were never trying to be mothers. So, when a child ask why their father isn't around, how many mothers will say to their child, "It's because mommy was a whore" or "you were a mistake". Even worse, what if the children don't have the same dad? "It's because mommy IS a whore. Go play with your Wii and leave mommy alone". Those most certainly are valid answers in many cases and one that would factor into statistics just as any other reason. The divorce rate in the US is around 50%. Blacks don't make up the majority of that. (I hate bringing this guy up) I've heard people even trying to bash Barack Obama's dad for not being present. Um, Barack was raisied by his grandparents because his mom chose to leave him and travel the world... to find another baby's daddy... which she in turn left with her parents to raise. Barack's dad had to return to his home country. You see, we have to have this dark cloud hovering over us when there is sufficient evidence to clear some of our names or at least give us the benefit of a doubt in several cases? I don't even have kids, yet I am begged to answer up for absentee fathers. It gets old, especially when this same stuff happens with other races. Tammygirl, are you a single mother? What did your father do to you to make you look down on a black man? or was it a black man that broke your heart? What ever the reason, it’s not ok. A person who uses a single character trait or situation (usually stereotypical in nature) as a point of reference to define a group just for the sake of discussion or argument, especially in a forum on a site like this, I find to be a very despicable.

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  7.   djstime says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 09

    Tammygirl, Well, once again you make a lot of comments that are just plan wrong and negativity just simmering all around you, in fact you seem to be thw one consummed with bitterness...If you read what I said, I have not made one negative comment about African American women...Ans as far as the old addage wht did my mome do to me...actually I was not raised by my mom or dad..I was raised by my grand mother...and when I was a child i resented her for that but by the time I became a man I forgave her for not being there and before she died she was and will forever be my best friend... Your comment to me and just your simple attitude is are good examples of things that turn me off about women like you...of any color...you attack before you ask...you put down before you lift up...Im cool with any of your comments, because I am completely happy with me and who I am... For the record I dont look down on African American women or any women I simply like what I like...and as far as my preference...its just that... Oh and one last little bit of wisdome...working two jobs has nothing to do with how you traching your child to do the right thing and your thinking that a child may or may not languish without his father but defenately will without his mother..I say neither is expendable and cary the absolute same level of importance...again an example of your thinking that has been engraned in women these days...mostly African American women..."Im independant and I dont need no man"...keep that attitude and you will not have one..."GRATEFUL ANGRY BLACK WOMAN" and are we not on an Interacial Dating site? do I have to get attacked here as well for my preference?...Lovely... Djstime

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  8.   Tammygirl says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 09

    Yes Djstime, good men can come from good mothers but what about a happy home? If mom has to work 2 jobs and/or go to school, where does she find time to properly raise a child? And as for your acronym WIC... single fathers get it as well! Speak for your mother or whatever women who raised you. No woman in her right mind would want her son to be less than a man but when a child questions why their father aren't around, they may also start to question their worth. When a child start to question their self worth and mommy is too busy working and supplementing on daddy's behalf, the blade cuts both ways. The child may or may not suffer from having an absentee father but will definitely languish from not having his mother around. What did your mother do to you to make you look down on a black woman? or was it a black woman that broke your heart? What ever the reason, it's ok. I noticed on your page that none of your interest are in black women and that makes me a "GRATEFUL BLACK WOMAN"

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  9.   joiia says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 09

    Hello to all, this is to each one of you who will stop to read what I am about to say...People are people. As soon as this world stop looking at the color of ones skin or their skin tones we as a society will be so much better off...Please let's stop the hate. I started with the woman in the mirror, it would have been just too easy to become another angry woman, hurt, bitter and totally unaccepted of others, Instead I choose to see things in a different light; half full instead of half empty. I have always said and will continue to say: "You miss out on having a productive, full-filling life by seeing color instead of seeing the person" I love life, people and most of all me.. take a chance, meet the person not the skin they are in.

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  10.   djstime says:
    Posted: 03 Aug 09

    Tammygirl...as I shake my head I can only imagine what some African American guy has done to you..."Black women have 2 strikes against them from birth. Being black and female. Black men only have one. " all I can say is WOW... Ok let me see...do you read statics at all?watch the news?...or walk down the street?...I can sum up how good you have it with one acronym...WIC..Women, Infants, and Children...where are men anywhere in there... That may be a bit extreme but that is just one example of the specialized assistance you have in society just for you… But again your response to my post (mind you only a portion of it because if you would have read a bit further you would have read this nice little bit” And yes I said breaks…all of this is a vicious cycle that goes way beyond skin color…the bases is education and access…give any person the same tools and access as the next man yes some will take advantage of it but there will always be some that need help and unless we help them they will wind up right where most of them are now…In jail over something ignorant…” or this one…” see there is no Independence in TEAM and that is what a relationship is suppose to be right?…not excusing the African American men for being out of the children’s lives (That’s is a whole other issue) but when they are not there, you as women should not allow your sons to use that as an excuse to be less of a man. Good men come from good mothers just as well as good fathers…and when you surround yourself with good men even if you are not in a relationship you young men will make it… Please read all of the post before you attack...”Angry Black woman” just kidding… Djstime…

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  11.   85kguy says:
    Posted: 03 Aug 09

    Time to give this thread back to the younger! So they can enjoy their era. Can we at least agree on that! James facts have been valid since 2001. You can talk to him on that in the future.

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  12.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 03 Aug 09

    Being "locked into my position" is a euphemism for having a closed mind. If I start out with a theory, support it with "facts" not in evidence, propped up with ancillary and non-germane information and then draw a conclusion based on specious reasoning, I have indeed locked myself into my original position. An if > then tautology based on a false "if" is false logic.

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  13.   85kguy says:
    Posted: 03 Aug 09

    If we are at the Apollo theatre in Harlem and one orator recites the history of Rosa Parks. Another recites the history of Chica da Silva. Both orators stand there to see who is the winner by audience applause. Who do you think wins? Lets say I raise a black daughter and you raise a white son. Would you rather I raise by daughter to be like Chica da Silva? Or would you rather I raise my daughter to be like Michelle Obama or Condaleeza Rice? With so many negative actions taken by black youth in this time and so many in the justice system I am afraid that I am locked into my position. We all love you dearly Jazz! With some admitting to writing books on this blog I do not know if you are even a real person or a fictional character. The first black american woman to win an Oscar played a maid in a white household. The first Afro-Brazilian woman to play a leading role in one of their Novelas played the role of Chica da Silva.

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  14.   85kguy says:
    Posted: 03 Aug 09

    As the apartheids of Brazil begin to crack. less and less women find Chica da Silva to be an inspiration just as less and less women here find images of Aunt Jemimah flattering. Chica da Silva is an image of what slave ancestors had to do (not what modern women want to be forced to do). Women like Chica da Silva of Brazil did not fall in love. They used sex as a weapon "baby." Seems that their children were never slaves due to the privilege of her masters statuses over the years. Study Chica da Silva and compare her to Condoleeza Rice or Michelle Obama. 1. Lover of Jazz was 20 years old and still in high school. 2. She hated housework and was not happy to see pots and pans that needed attention. 3.Yet she was forced to work as an intern at a high school cafeteria. 5. The superintendent only had an eight grade education. 6. LoverofJazz was 40 years younger than her pic. 7. Lots of girls wanted that internship in 1967. Went to our girl Jazz!!!Hmmmmmmm 8. That eight grade super was in the wrong place at the wrong time! She went Chica da Silva on his ass. "Would you like some coffee".

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  15.   85kguy says:
    Posted: 03 Aug 09

    1.LoverofJazz was honest. Otherwise no one would know of the adultery. 3.Issues can only be revisited if you have the ability to discuss and learn from others. Or, at least debate peacefully. 4. You need a reference to another perspective. I choose not to discuss the living. 5. I choose Chica da Silva. A Brazilian slave in similar circumstance to show what was "hot" among young girls in Jim Crow times, to show that there was no innocence.

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  16.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 02 Aug 09

    I just want to see if I can recap the loverofjazz debate. A young woman, a girl really, growing up in the Jim Crow South, falls in love, marries, initiates the the nearly unheard of step of becoming the breadwinner due to her husband's illness, and when he contracts another ILLNESS, alcoholism (which, as debilitating as that DISEASE is, doesn't keep him from working to keep the inside of the house up to her standards [at least as difficult a job as working outside the home, especially with a spouse who is working 50+ and going to school] and caring for the major upkeep of the outside), which DISEASE he recovers from, she stands by him throughout, stands up for what she knows is right, makes a helluva go of it and succeeds against amazing odds, in life, in economics, in education and in marriage. Some people admire her for her courage and strength in the face of adversity. Others berate the admirers, judge the woman for a mistake (call it a character defect, a sin or falling under the spell of an older man) made when she was 19 (SHE was not a homewrecker. She took no vows and may not even have known the score until after the fact. Guys can be like that. And if the wrecking ball was not already at the door of his crib, it was apparently due at any moment), showing bad judgment and perhaps a weak moment (the papers are not gonna stop the presses for mistakes made by a 19-year old believe me!). These judgments are made with barely a nod to the amazing things she accomplished over the next 40 or so years. It's a good thing that it was Jesus who met the woman at the well and not someone who had much less love and much more judgment. That woman might have gotten stoned (and not in the Ray Charles kinda way) instead of forgiven.

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  17.   85kguy says:
    Posted: 02 Aug 09

    Maybe so @fkoi, Seems that all the black women on this blog have been married before. Or at least well over 60 percent.

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  18.   Tammygirl says:
    Posted: 02 Aug 09

    Blazzin88 Where did you go? I speak on behalf of all black women when I say... Thankyou! Thankyou! Thankyou! It's really sad that a brother from a different race has more appreciation for us than our own...but who am I to speak. Judas broke bread, then kissed and betrayed Jesus but at least in the end Judas had a conscience.

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  19.   Tammygirl says:
    Posted: 02 Aug 09

    Response to Djstime: Are you kidding me? Black women have 2 strikes against them from birth. Being black and female. Black men only have one. Why is it that black boys don't assist in the raising of their own children? Knowing that bastards only begets bastards. Black boys take responsibility for your actions. Why would I work so hard to get myself to where I'm at only to reach back and bring a brother who can't even afford a belt to hold up his pants up! Did you reach back and bring a sister along? The reason why most Black women are single is simply because there are far too many black boys and not enough BLACK MEN!!!

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  20.   veggie75 says:
    Posted: 02 Aug 09

    My personal experiences have shown me that women are expected to be more understanding than men--but that's another topic. Being an eligible bachelorette myself, I have come to the conclusion that no matter who I marry I can wait for the right man to approach me, court me, and marry me, or I can be impatient and just give myself to the next man who offers me attention. That being said, I will be proud to work on getting my Master's Degree next year, and I won't worry about my biological clock or getting a ring on my left finger either. If I am presenting myself in an appropriate manner and going out into new and different public places then I have done my part in trying to meet men. Although I am open to finding a help mate, I refuse to allow my marital status to determine my definition of happiness. And that's all there is it.

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  21.   urlover6 says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 09

    Wow, some of y'all black men are evil.

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  22.   damitch says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 09

    The Sega continues... I am for any woman that is understanding, outgoing, complete in nature, and SUPPORTIVE. I understand this post and it has thrown me in multiple directions. I am well versed educationally and within my career - at the top of my game; yet, I don't understand why my sisters have to state that they/she are/is a "Strong Black Woman"! We are the only culture that has to announce what they are. Let our actions, our hearts, and the essence of who we are speak the volumes for a sister. Then "US" black men would not be afraid to say hello to you. I'm at a point that I never say how much money I may have or what I do because if a person is going to wish to know more about me. They should know me and not my bank account or my accomplishments. Love can be standing right beside you and you would not say hello back because he's driving this or wearing that. That to me is why I am on this site. So that I can meet someone who is serious about communicating and not judging!

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  23.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 09

    jai44 Hello. Yes please do work(lol). Yes you are very welcomed. I think you see black women for who we are. You concluded about our strength fairly and with the understanding of where we have been, where we are now and where we are going as black women. I think it's fair to say that when you see someone exhibit an emotion or demonstrate some action, once you understand WHY someone does or says what they do, then it all becomes logical. Sometimes black women are not given that chance to be understood or explain our actions. Thanks to you for understanding! Peace

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  24.   fire321 says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 09

    @fkoi excellent point!

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  25.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 09

    Very impressive, fkoi! Statistics don't give an account to circumstances. And people who are ashamed of their circumstances will only cling to ideas and notions that place them in higher favor and regard than the negatives in which they belong. I don't think James (the writer) has a problem. Many commentators do, however. Are black women more likely to be single? The topic, as well as any other topic, is designed to have people discuss such issues as to how, why, and "can't this be anybody?", not just his opinion left for us to argue and debate over. If a black women wants to blame a certain group of men or circumstances on the idea that statistics insinuate, so be it. The reasons that you mentioned are indeed very true and probable and factor into statistics just as well as any other, but not many would actually admit to or really take the time to think about or consider those factors. The only thing I find bad about this topic is that, aside from what you just said (which makes any data regarding the reasons for the low marital rate of black women inconclusive) there will be women who won't be entirely truthful as to why their relationships didn't work or why they can't find mates when they want to. A doctor can misdiagnose a serious medical condition if a person is too ashamed to say what their role was in causing or contracting the condition. Awesome post!

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  26.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 09

    Looking at it from another angle, since better than 50% of marriages in this country end in divorce, then nearly 40% of White women are divorced compared to less 30% of Black women. Mark Twain wrote, "Figures often beguile me," he wrote, "particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: 'There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.'" So does this mean that 40% of Black women find satisfying lives without a mate? Does it mean that 20% of White women prefer "living in sin"? Are there fewer gay women who identify as White? Are there fewer Black nuns? Are Black women's standards higher? Do White women settle for any joker who asks? Is this blog article just, to quote Shakespeare, "...a tale, Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing"? It seems so.

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  27.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 09

    I hate when people try to defend the content of some music and music videos and fail to realize how they can effect a person's life, a community, and/or an entire culture. I'm sure when Aretha's song came out, some women decided to find a way to feel direspected and women who were already getting respect started to demand more. Today you have women that can go to work, school, and make a way to pay for their apartments, houses, cars, and in some case their children. Let a song about independence come out, and those qualities of the are no longer human survival instincts (things you're supposed to do), they are merely held for bragging rights, and one of the things that will keep a woman single in the long run. Nice posts, 85kguy, but I just want to run this by you really quick. My friend Tats is not the enemy, here. She was only sharing her point of view and her comment was more directed toward me. Especially the lines you quoted were taken completely out of context. She and I read a lot on here and we've begun to know who to take seriously and who to take with a grain of salt. I was reading where pieces of what you had to say were subliminal referenced, but in no way was she trying to defame your character or make light of your overall message. She calls me out at times, like... in her last post. It's no offense to me. Hope you understand. Keep doing what you do, man. Glad to have you here!

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  28.   85kguy says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 09

    With All Due Respect, A. Reaching out ladies for ladies, men for ladies. If you have been married, most of this blog trend is not about you. It is about the obstacles YOUR DAUGHTERS will face more than your past. How do we help them? How do we turn this societal non-marriage to black women discrimination/doing wrong to black women in relationships around to make a better world for the next generation of black women? With all due respect, our ancestors took on challenges for us, didn't they? It is about your black sisters who have NEVER been married in a world where there are more dating options for black women than in any time in American history. This is about an alarming (present day) statistic. It is from this article's main topic. "National stats show that 42% of black women have NEVER been married, compared to 21% of white women. Yes, it’s twice as much. But does this mean Black women are doomed to be single?" REMEMBER THAT THERE ARE MORE DATING OPTIONS FOR BLACK WOMEN TODAY AND IN THE FUTURE THAN IN ANY TIME IN HISTORY. YET, ALMOST HALF WILL NEVER (AND THE STORY SAYS NEVER) GET MARRIED!!!!! It seems that marriage is an institution where only men get what they want. Seems that marriage discriminates against women. Maybe it is marriage that is doomed. Sisters seem to be doing the right thing. Getting education, working multiple jobs, raising kids. They seem very strong, these sisters. Is marriage sexist and discriminatory? Is it only geared toward benefitting males? These strong women are single because they refuse to participate in an unfair and discriminatory relationship/institution? Then, these women are not doomed as the blog author JAMES puts it. Seems these women are looking for respect over 40 years after Aretha sang her signature hit. When an author uses the word DOOMED in reference to black women, it throws a brother off. BAD MARRIAGES ARE DOOMED, NOT BLACK WOMEN. The media can put such a spin on things sometimes.

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  29.   85kguy says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 09

    "no one walks in anyone else’s shoes and therefore has no right to tell them how to live their life." HOW ABOUT THE BOYS WHO WALK AROUND WITH THEIR PANTS HUNG DOWN SO LOW YOU CAN SEE THEIR BOXERS. THEY DON'T LISTEN. THEY REFUSE TO TAKE A DIRECTION FROM ANYONE BUT THEIR SUBSET WHO IS TAKING THEM INTO TROUBLE AND MORE TROUBLE. THESE BOYS ARE OFFENDED AND FEEL BASHED. THEY REFUSE TO TAKE DIRECTION FROM THEIR COMMUNITY. REFUSE TO TAKE DIRECTION, HMMMM. I WONDER WHERE THEY GET THAT FROM. I AM SURE THAT THE WOMEN HERE AREN'T ALERGIC TO FEEDBACK AND DIRECTION (OR ARE THEY). "If there are so-called “divas” in here, maybe they HAVE earned the right to be." NEGATIVE STATISTICS, BLACKS LEAD IN EVERY CATEGORY. HOW COULD ANYONE EARN THE RIGHT IN SUCH A SITUATION TO BE A DIVA. THEY CAN LOOK JUST AS STUPID AS THOSE BOYS WITH THEIR PANTS HUNG LOW. DON'T THOSE BOYS LOOK STUPID TO YOU? COMPARE!!!!! MALES ARE VULNERABLE TO STORIES ABOUT HEROIC MEN. WOMEN ARE VULNERABLE TO STORIES ABOUT LOVE OVER EVERYTHING. DO YOU WANT OTHERS TO TEACH OUR CHILDREN TO BE INSPIRED BY ADULTERERS? I AM SURE THE ANSWER IS NO. IF YOU CAN'T TAKE DIRECTION FROM YOUR OWN, LIKE THOSE BOY WITH PANTS TOO LOW ATTITUDE. YOU MAY JUST BE LOST AND FOLLOWING THE WRONG ROLE MODELS. THE ISSUE IS WHY SO MANY BLACK WOMEN ARE WINDING UP SINGLE HERE. IT IS NOT HOW YOU COMMITTED ADULTERY IN "67". Interracial dating has taken hold since the seventies. It is respected and accepted. Even the Jeffersons had nationwide acceptance with half the cast being in an interracial relationship. That was over 30 years ago. The issue is: WHY BLACK WOMEN ARE WINDING UP NEVER HAVING THE CHANCE TO GET MARRIED. The objective is to offer something that will help them. These women have more options than any women of black american heritage in the history of this country. Why are over half of them going to never get married? Lets all start over with some direction. Now, with the subject and objective in mind, please everyone reread these two statements: 1."no one walks in anyone else’s shoes and therefore has no right to tell them how to live their life." 2."If there are so-called “divas” in here, maybe they HAVE earned the right to be." These two quotes do not help more black women to get married any more than boys wearing their pants too low helps them to become productive men.

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  30.   tatted2death says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 09

    Much thanks and even more LOVE to calmheart....you prove that not every black man on here has to feel attacked simply because a woman has chosen to "live outside the box" (cool term). And to Ich, dear man.....I have NOT seen any "bashing" of the black woman in THIS blog....but you know as well as I do, it is running rampant on other topic threads. Some of us women (me included, at times...lol) are just a little defensive. Yet, I always try and read through every post carefully before I respond here. And I continue to see men in here trying to "battle" with women instead of uplifting them. NOT that that is your duty....but it would be NICE. I simply don't understand some of the one-sided, narrow-minded comments that continue to come from seemingly intelligent men. Homelessness is NOT only a problem for black men...the main reason you might see mostly black men is because they tend to separate the men from the women (who most likely are in there WITH children). I would ask you to take a look at the battered women's shelters.....but that would be just as one-sided. (Besides, from your last post I see that you are aware of the plague of domestic abuse....thanks) Of course, certain women here are more concerned with marriage prospects.....THIS IS A DATING SITE as well as a blog center. If there are so-called "divas" in here, maybe they HAVE earned the right to be....no one walks in anyone else's shoes and therefore has no right to tell them how to live their life. You may have had experiences that have made you the way you are and you probably would not let ANYONE to dispute that, right???? NOT disrespecting anyone here...just trying to give a different POV. I think you better serve yourself (and others, of course...in a GOOD WAY) by reaching the young masses than by trying to tear down ONE woman's experiences and how it might have inspired another. Just a thought....not trying to perpetuate the battle (as my eyes are continually opened to different ways of thinking here....only trying to share that experience). Peace and Blessings tatted2death

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  31.   85kguy says:
    Posted: 31 Jul 09

    Here's how you write for the masses (holla!!): 1. You must reach (young men and women) them to teach them. 2. Teen women you better start forcing those young men to read a book or two, before you offer them more than just a look at you. 3. It doesn't work if women aspire to always wear the pants any more than it does if women try to lead in a formal dance. 4. Women have to win men over to win. 5. Men have to win women over to win. 6. Manage those arms, tummies, and hips, if you want to hang on to your relationships (men and women). 7. The Bible did not document as part of God's plan for women to suffer through kicks and punches from a man.

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  32.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 31 Jul 09

    85kguy, After I read this, I was trying to guess just how many people were going to applaud it. I just didn't know what to say. I could only hear the voice of Kat Williams from First Sunday ("I don't think I would have told that.") "I hope this has been an inspiration to some and then again, some will not see it for what it is. But this is my story." I saw the story for what it was, but I am not inspired. Some people were, and that's good for them (I guess). What you said were my exact sentiments when I read this story. At least she did show a litte remorse for being a homewrecker. It's funny how many comments from women on this site condemn a man for sitting around the house not working (particularly black men) and this story is about a woman letting a man do it with a smile on her face (a white man at that). He cheated on her, he was an alcoholic at her expense, and she claims that he respected her? I've heard this many times before from women and they never say it's respectful of the men they were involved with. I also wondered while reading her memoir, did he take care of his first two children? What type of relationship did she have with them or her children have with them (they would have been brothers and sisters)? She neglected that part of the story. How did she know that his white wife was weak? Did they fight or is it just because she let her husband get taken by another woman? Not a strength to be proud of. The only thing I can say for her and her story is that she did go through and endured a lot. She made her bed and she had someone to curl up in it with her for 35 years. I'm not speaking ill of the dead. As I've said in the past, being a widow is nothing to laugh at. This guy made her happy and that's his legacy. They found a way to make their marriage work 'til death did they part. That is what I see this story for. Some people see their struggles as random events that just happen to them out of the blue. Others recognize that actions and decisions have consequences. Taking responsibility and holding yourself accountable is what makes a peson strong. By the way, nice 'Titanic' analogy. I would have never thought of that. Brilliant!

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  33.   85kguy says:
    Posted: 30 Jul 09

    jai44 In 1967 women made less than men for the same job on the same job, even with more education than the men on that job. In 1967 women were almost wholly limited to secretary, nurse, or schoolteacher as accepted professions. In 1967, especially in the uneducated black rural south, black men were drafted to fight in Viet Nam. I am wholly sure none of those black men from the county of your "inspiration" loveofjazz defected to Canada. They all served their country. In 1967 90 percent of blacks in the jim crow south lived below the poverty level. It was an accomplishment and acceptable just for them to have a high school diploma, much less a college degree. Now, during all this loverofjazz was breaking social mores (adultery) and religious christian mores and you are inspired by her!!! A lack of character and judgement of character.

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  34.   jai44 says:
    Posted: 30 Jul 09

    loverofjazz, Thank you for your story it is inspirational.

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  35.   jai44 says:
    Posted: 30 Jul 09

    loverofjazz, Thank you for your story it is inspirational. Your life expirence is something that every women coming behind you could learn a lesson and gain strength and knowledge from.

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  36.   jai44 says:
    Posted: 30 Jul 09

    bigeyes, Thank-you for the support. Sorry that i haven't responded sooner but had to work. DJSTIME and CALMHEART are making the best comments. DJSTIME do not cahnge a thing about yourself if someone wants to judge you purely on looks then they are missing the real persson on inside. That is whats wrong with this world now. CALMHEART you are bring some peace to this page. Good luck in the future. For those men who keep judging black women you have problems. More importantly you are missing out on true happiness if it meant to be.

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  37.   georgeW1001 says:
    Posted: 30 Jul 09

    Sorry people, I hit send to fast. Here's my take. The color of love holds no bounds and as I stated before "modified" user name of georgeW1000, the quality of a relationship has absolutely nothing to do with race. And Ladye48, Blazzin's not the only guy that appreciates a good woman! (smile).... If we can get past all of the media-instigated-perpetuated stereotypes, I think as a global community..we can start to heal as a culture & embrace differences. georgeW1001

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  38.   85kguy says:
    Posted: 30 Jul 09

    Hey Blazzin88 and others. While black women are worried about marriage prospects black men are worried about homelessness. Go to any homeless shelter and it is predominately black men. Yet, the women are talking about hardships and lack of options. Even in the Jefferson's TV show Helen Willis went to the "Help Center" with Weezie (lol)!!! Not these divas of today. You must judge character. Hey Blazzin88 do you remember the Titanic? How about that cowardly guy who took to the lifeboat by grabbing somebody elses child to save his own skin. The black community is a Titanic. It lead the league in all problematic categories. Yet, the black women you date are too good to "woman" the lifeboats. Just like the bad guy in the Titanic movie. I've tutored at the local housing authority and even rented to Section 8 via that housing authority. I man the lifeboats. Don't ask that diva what she's doing to make things better for others. Your black trophy flower may just suprisingly sprout legs and walk away. Glad you had a step mom. She had to turn her back on a lot of folk though just to be your stepmom. Probably some financial security advantages to being your step mom too! You were really nothing more than the baby in the Titanic movie. This other lady is really whack loverofjazz!! A 20 year old adulterer and proud of it. Wow! These blacks live in a society that harms them. Some give back to make a better day for the next generation and others don't. Plain and simple.

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  39.   85kguy says:
    Posted: 29 Jul 09

    Every black generation has had to deal with unfair hardships. Its part of being done wrong in the past before you were even born. The corruption is in the raising and nurturing of black males. After you get one raised and nurtured he has less options from puberty to retirement than any other race or gender in America. It has been that way for centuries. Take a look at the another major culture and look at the single ads there (S. Africa). You will see black men at the bottom. It is a matter of privilege and a lack of privilege in S. Africa makes the black man less acceptable there just like it has done in America for centuries. Martin Luther King, Jr had his daughter ask to take him to "Funtown", an amusement park in Georgia. Blacks were not allowed to go so he could not take her. She went on to follow in his footsteps and become an important member of the civil rights movement. If the King daughter could have went to Funtown that day would she have been a part of the civil rights movement? No? It would not have been her problem, like so many people who are included she would not have cared about others. Slaves, descendents of slaves, and the underprivileged always are good for sex with the privileged. Whether in the "old south" or even more so in ancient Greece and Rome. Watch Rome on HBO or rent it and you will see that clearly. Turning your back on the corruption in the nurturing and raising of black boys is just going to make the problem worse. Thats the real problem. Can't go to Funtown....... too bad. Neither could Martin Luther King, Jr's daughter. Look at what she did about it.

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  40.   ladye48 says:
    Posted: 29 Jul 09

    Hey Blazzin88 what's up with you? I like a guy who can appreciate a black woman. I am into dating ohter races and you seem like you can fit into my scheme of things because you show wisdom, love and respect. Your step mom is a heck of a woman. She raised you right sir!

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  41.   ladye48 says:
    Posted: 29 Jul 09

    Wow Lover of Jazz what a story I get the point. How nice to have loved eventhough it had it's ups and downs at least you had the experience. Listen do your name mean you love Jazz I got a very good collection form Sarah Vaughn, Dizzy, Malcolm Jamal, etc... and it's for sale vinyl is very valuable these days and these albums are no longer available in stores. If you are interested or know some one who is shoot me a line. Peace yall

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  42.   BigredLady says:
    Posted: 29 Jul 09

    Wow Rheah59 my thoughts, words and feelings exactly. I will not settle for less just because Im single or settle with a babys father when I want marraige and a home and a husband.Ive worked hard my whole life and became independent because I had too. Im ready to lean a little myself. Its rough sometimes to carry all the weight. I would liek to know someone no matter what color, race, creed whatever has my back. I always want better for myself and just refuse to settle. I think it will come for every one in due time but until then I will love the single life...

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  43.   calmheart says:
    Posted: 28 Jul 09

    Its Time To Come out the Box. Hi I am the author of the soon to be release book entitled"The Mythology Of Race"{Its should be available online by thanks giving.Its my hope that the information will be a blessing to the human family.Briefly I will say that the illusion race has caused many real problems.And my beautiful sister of color especially have suffered.Physically,mentally and emotionally,just look at the statistic.In my book I indentify the Inproportionate levels of disease directedly link to this archiac ideology that affects everyone,especially those labeled as black woman.We are spiritual beings having human experiences.Labels called race be it black white or whatever, place s us in boxes.Anyone living in a box will experience limitations,while life outside the box gives us unlimited potential as divine creations of God.Unconditional love,Inspires healing If anyone is in need of healing I can get you started on a new life of unlimited potential.Much love toward all.

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  44.   loverofjazz says:
    Posted: 28 Jul 09

    I want to share my life experience on this topic. I was 19 going on 20. He was 30. I am black he was caucasian. I say this in the past tense because he is deceased. Maybe he is still caucasian, I don't know. But nevertheless, we met while I was working an internship in my high school cafeteria and he was superintendent building a gym at my all black segregated school in 1967 in the deep jim crow south. I would brew coffee for him in the morning. Eventually we started an affair all though he was still married. You can not imagine the grief I went through. He had two kids. I was only 7 yrs older than his eldest. He went for coffee one night and left his wife. (that's another story). A yr. later he was divorced and we got married. Two yrs later we had a daughter. Five yrs later because of his health, he could not work. Being young I did not bargain for this. But I found a workable plan. I was a high school graduate, he only went to the 8th grade. He was the only one of 5 brothers who served in the military. He came from a family of 10, me from a family of 4 syblings. He wanted 6 kids, I said we're headed for a divorce. I wanted something more. When he couldn't hold a job, I compromised. I asked him about being a house husband. He said that suited him. I like to work, I wanted to get my degree, told me he would support me. I don't do house work, hate it. I can work in the yard. My birthday gifts were a riding lawn mower and a tiller. No pots, pans, skillets, blenders, roses, chocolates for me. That's work. I can cook trust me, not my favorite thing to do unless I want to. We had our ups and downs. He became a functional alcoholic. Not that when I met him. Smoked like a chimmney. I had a good job that I could make $100 thou a yr. But he took care of the house, did the repairs, because he was smart, not book smart, but life smart. I never learned so much. Wish I could have learned more. But I was stubborn. He drank for 20 yrs of our marriage, never abusive, but the money was on booze was killing me. Gave him 2 yrs to get his act together, he stopped in 2 weeks. Being a man, he was a forceful figure in our daughters life. He set rules and she abided by them. I was working 50 + hrs a week and attending school in the afternoon. Took me 20 yrs to get my degree, but I got it because of his support. He never felt neglected, because he knew if I succeded, we all succeded. His sucess depended on me and mine on him. I wanted him to go back to school, he did not want to and I never pressured him. He was comfortable. I made sure I invested money in stocks and bonds. Because of his health, I knew I would outlive him just based on statistics. I wanted to make sure I was secure. Not spend every penny. I did good. He died in Jan 2003 and I retired in Oct 2003. Yes he did cheat on me. I forgave but never forgot. He didn't do it again. He was the most dedicated man in my life. His survival was dependent on me. He knew it. He always respected me. I had the last word, because I took the last word. I'm the one that moved the mountain. We purchased a home with 12 acres shorthly before he died. Who was the first to grab the keys, he was. I was working, he wasn't but I knew he was proud of me. He loved it here. It nevered mattered to him that I made more money. He had been married to a weak caucasian woman and found a strong, intelligent, can do black woman. However, I'm sure that's not how he looked at it. He just loved me. His life was better because of me. My point being is I married him during the race riots in the late sixties. I survived relatives, friends and any one else that thought they had a voice. After the daughter moved out and started her family life was getting excellent. He realized 6 kids would have been impossible. Life gives you blind sides. Think of where you want to be 20yrs from now. I'm like Audie Murphy, I've been through hell and back. But I am a survivor. Find your own strength. I am 60yrs old and life doesn't get much better. I did the marriage job, the hardest job you will ever have in your life. I'm single, free, make my own decisions with out having to consult. On the otherhand, sometimes you would like to be the wagon and not the horse. It's called companionship. I want to talk. I knew at 16yrs old, I would marry outside of my race. (thats another story.). When you sit across the breakfast table in the morning, you do not see race, you see your spouse, significant other, a friend who has your back and someone you can depend on. Since I've been a widow, I get reponses from 20yr old to 85 yrs old. But I like my life as it is. We can have coffee and chat. I am lonley, not desperate. My mom has this saying: you want the apple from the top of the tree, but you overlook the apple at the bottom of the tree. Be careful, very careful. Happiness comes in many different forms and shapes. I don't want to be your ornamate, I wont you to be my soul mate. Like minds will succeed. Find the person who is grateful that you are in their lives. I hope you have followed this. We were married 35 happily yrs. I wish it could have been longer. Make a decision. Find a person in your life, first of all who makes you laugh. Secondly someone who has goals, thirdly the both of you that can enhance each other, make both of you a better person. We can all learn from each other. Race-does not come into play. Do not be narrow minded. Get out of the box. I was here before any of you. This is my one and only comment. Loosen up. I hope this has been an inspiration to some and then again, some will not see it for what it is. But this is my story.

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  45.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 27 Jul 09

    Still waiting for someone to say where black men have bashed black women or used them as excuses for dating interracially on this topic. Every exchange on this topic, between a black male and a black female, had been peaceful and understanding until that ONE guy showed up. That's why I totally agreed with MsZ17 when she said: "Lastly: I’ll bet these whites on here REALLY feel special knowing we black people are arguing and disrespecting each other over them! Sheesh." Who let the dogs out? Someone call Michael Vick, please!

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  46.   Shotgun007 says:
    Posted: 27 Jul 09

    Everyone thanks for your cander and let us not forget that we speak by experiences..... I don't think that Blazzin88's position on this topic is to defend black women. From what I read,he just offered a different perspective.Maybe "bashing" isn't the word to use in this topic discussion. GETTING BACK TO THE TOPIC ONE of the underlying issues is limitations. Black Women should continue to date in their preferences but at the same time, keep their options open. Good Luck Everyone... Shotgun007----

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  47.   djstime says:
    Posted: 27 Jul 09

    WOW I missed a really good exchange… Blazzin88 My man, although I think Ich, Julius, and others have made accurate responses to you initial post. I just had to say that I find it interesting that you come here to so call defend African American women while at the same time putting your own race down?...sound like a player move…”come on all you lovely black women I will appreciate you”…um no… The topic is “Are black women more likely to be single”…not “lets bash a black woman” and none of us “Black men” on here have. I speak only from my life experiences as you do yours I’m sure, but to imply that we are bashing black women to make yourself look appreciative is just a player move, and I see through it…and in the same breath you slight the Black men on here that date outside our race. Another good one because let you tell it we have to be getting women that will just accept any old thing…nice…I can't even go on…got me twisted...

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  48.   11017mo says:
    Posted: 27 Jul 09

    why can't we just get along. We all have so many races in are family's so just pick a good person. we all have wounds, So stop looking back so that you can see what's ahead for you. Remember there is weak and strong points in all colors of people,just pick what you need there is no right or wrong just what your heart wants and needs. I've read comments from all sides just live life and love who you are and someone come. from and cool black and mixed with a loving heart. RELAX. P.S black women are smart and strong as he--so true lol.Have a great day.

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  49.   meisha81 says:
    Posted: 27 Jul 09

    What a excellent dialog everyone is having about this particular subject. There were a lot of thought provoking comments made! I do agree that we should stop tearing each other down & try to build each other up. Peace! :0) Meisha

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  50.   georgeW1000 says:
    Posted: 27 Jul 09

    Good Points fire321: Good points you brought up. I would also submit that these websites are exactly that, only a vessel/option to finding a mate. Quality of relationships isn't determined by race but defined by individual feelings/emotions for each other. And only the healthy relationships and committment to one another will survive. georgeW1000- OUT!

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