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When silence aint golden

Posted by Ria, 26 Aug

silence.jpg

Nonverbal behavior far outweighs the impact of words especially when two people are out of sync. Most of the time it’s because most people tend to attach an interpretation to this kind of behavior. When your mate decides to go the non-verbal way, it is important that you respond appropriately to this behavior.

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Many women usually complain that their spouses won’t talk to them and cannot be prodded into it. The only communication is primarily on small talk or factual level. So what accounts for male ‘silence’?

For some its work…and for others, the solutions to all their life’s problems is action and not talk. Others are just too authoritarian…you know the “I refuse any further discussion!᾿ kind of guys. And for most, they just detest discussing what they call ‘trivia’. Ok I have heard of the trivia story. But seriously, if I want to have a heart to heart discussion with my beau, is that trivia?

Most men when charged with not communicating, respond with “What do you mean am not communicating? I’m taking to you right now!᾿ or “Talk. Talk. Talk. That’s all we ever do᾿ and my all time favorite - “You want to talk? Lets talk about football᾿ The last statement is very sarcastic. We all know that the last thing a woman wants to talk about is football.

So why do men and women generally retreat to silence of this sort? Is this seen as some kind of safety device… hiding inner thoughts and feelings so that others don’t attack/discredit them? The choice not to communicate seriously undermines the validity of the commitment to the relationship. By withdrawing, one usually sends the message that he or she has no obligation toward maintenance… well that is how most of us interpret it.

Question is, do you resort to begging, pleading, getting angry? Am sure most of us have tried that and it hasn’t worked. It’s like you can’t do much about your partner’s silence. So how do you crack this one?

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  1.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 22 May 09

    How many of us here a realize that in everyday life , most people look at a mixed couple with a little more " Pride in the way that they see Us as we walk in the market places as they are content with the sight of a Happy couple in public " and they probably would never have approached couples of the same heritage who were total strangers and involved them in conversation . If you date in places that serve Alcoholic beverages , you will be judged by people who at the end of the evening probably have had enough to drink / to either become abusive to others because of their over indulgence in drink . This happens alot of the time to just anyone that may have looked or said sometime to reply to Drunken minded party people . Remember the law states that only two drinks can be enough to convict one of D.W.I. and the smell of Only one beer on your breathe can be enough to be arrested for Public Intoxication if you happen to stumble on your way across the parking lot to your car . We have been together over two years now and find that most people we meet are Honestly looking to start a conversation as we pass bye , due to a courteous nature in Adults who wonder or maybe have some jealous thoughts as we laugh and smile . We talk with several others everyday in Our good fortune to be able to communicate as Lovers do . Silence is Golden at the proper time and unlike the word " Most " in this topic . We are individuals not a mere grouping of written opinion . In life , indecriminate grouping of all others is what causes confussion . To each his own and Believe , people are all Respectful to Us as we travel through daily duties . You shall truly find Happiness if you so Desire , and you can also find Misery if that is what you are looking for . Moderation in others opinions - is a sign of a closed mind .

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  2.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 21 May 09

    A friend , Once suggested planting a Tree of Life at the gate for when one comes home after a Bad day at work or play . This tree of life is to tell all the daily problems to and in the morning as you leave / to stop at the tree and see that all these problems have disappeared and been forgotten . As we grew to Love each other after meeting on this site with only a Few written words from half way across this Beautiful country of Ours . We set aside a few minutes each day to Just sit and discuss life as it passes us bye . The key is to Discuss / not Debate , and as Grown Adults this is easy to do . Learn to leave your anger at the tree of life at the gate and Talk to each other with the Love and Respect that brought you together Originally .

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  3.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 21 May 09

    Most of the men I know, including myself, are fixers. If there is a problem, if my Sweetie is unhappy or mad, I want to fix it right then. I'm willing to talk about it and describe how to fix it. Most of the women I know need time to sit with a situation. They are not ready to talk about it right now until right now is when they are ready. I have to give her that time to process. Like Kevin, I had to learn that. As kids, guys learned to iron it out right then either with fists or argument. That doesn't work in the adult world. Besides, it's usually a good thing for me to process things as well because my version of how to fix it almost always benefits from a little time out.

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  4.   angellx says:
    Posted: 21 Sep 07

    silence is golden.....time out is a good thing.... (a technique used from the school playground to the football field) after a little space the issues never seem as big..... an i feel that your then in a position to put kevin's 3 c's into play.....quite often you end up laughing about it or realising it was no big thing anywayz.......after all life is so short....x

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  5.   Cocokisses says:
    Posted: 03 Sep 07

    CurlyGirl...very well said!

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  6.   Sammy says:
    Posted: 03 Sep 07

    Amen curly. Thanks for clearing that up for some women and for speaking out for the men. I"v run into that myself,a woman says to show your feelings then cuts you for it when she wants to use something against you. Now i'm not gonna class all women that way because some men simply don't seem to care what their lady likes or wants to talk about. A relationship needs to be a best friends as well as lovers to realy go anywhere-or at least thats my point of view. Seems when 2 people completly go their own way when not in bed the relationship starts to break down because they realy have nothing in common and they get tired of hearing what the other did or what they feel because neither realy has an intrest in their partners activities. So make shure it's not just lust befor getting involved lol-;)

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  7.   Kelly says:
    Posted: 01 Sep 07

    As with all realationships there has to be a mutal degree of respect for each other in order to talk to each other and not at each other. I know from my own experince that there is a lot of truth to that because if your yelling your not listening to what each other has to say. And the issue goes unresolved for as long as either of you let it brew. Opening up is hard if you've had a bad past experince.

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  8.   CurlyGirly says:
    Posted: 01 Sep 07

    From what I've read about the social and psychological differences between men and women, men are more reluctant to open up to women is because they are afraid of appearing vulnerable. Men are forced by the structure of society to be the brave, fearless, stoic providers and protectors. When a man has to be always on guard against others who might harm him or his woman, there is no room for sensitivity or vulnerability! Add to that the fact that a lot of WOMEN will tear a man down by attacking his vulnerabilities just because they're angry; why should a man open his deepest self up to a woman who says she loves him, but turns his insecurities on him to cut him down? Until the double-standard that exists for men (and yes, it DOES exist) is broken down, women must abide by the Golden Rule and treat their men they way they want to be treated when they're communicating: with kindness, acceptance, and respect.

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  9.   Cocokisses says:
    Posted: 28 Aug 07

    Men aren't the only ones that retreat to silence. When my fiance and I are mad at each other, we take the boxers approach and retreat to neutral corners. We can't hear each other when we are both yelling. Also, once I have had a chance to cool off, I am more open to conversation. I let him talk, without interjecting, and then I talk. It is rare that we haven't been able to see each other's side. By the way...I speak the man's other language...SPORTS! Who else could talk my man under the table regarding Baseball, Basketball, Football etc...? That alone makes me priceless in his eyes :)

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  10.   fala says:
    Posted: 28 Aug 07

    lol@Kevin good to know ;-)

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  11.   naptrlbti says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 07

    Good point's kevin and you're a rare breed :-)

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  12.   Kevin says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 07

    That is just experience talking. You need those 3 c's even in relationships that are just friendships. You have to be able to communicate your thoughts and feelings with your friend/mate. Both of you must be willing to compromise and make concessions in order for the friendship/relationship to last. No one can have it there way all the time. By the way, yes I do talk as well as I write. :-)

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  13.   fala says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 07

    Very good points Kevin. I wonder if you talk as well as you write.

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  14.   Kevin says:
    Posted: 26 Aug 07

    You have to know your mate. If you have a serious relationship then you know when and when not to ask certain questions of them. I want to discuss things right then. My mate may not. I need to know this before hand so when I am ready to talk and she is not then I will know it's not because she is so pissed off that she won't talk about it, it's because that's who she is. This is a legitimate question to ask someone early on in a relationship. "How do you deal with a problem you have with a partner?" You also need to tell them how you deal with the same situation. It all goes back to the 3 c's, no not those 3 c's ladies, but these 3: communication, compromise and concessions. As long as you have those in your relationship your relationship will be strong.

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