Swirling by Christelyn Karazin

The art of attraction isn't just about colour or creed, it's about chemistry and a whole bunch of other things. Swirling author Christelyn Karazon discusses.

WATCH QOTW: "I am Past the Point of Considering Black Men as Mates."

Posted by Christelyn, 08 Mar

The Question:

I’m a 29 year old, single black woman (of caribbean descent). I’ve lived overseas for a few years and I’ll soon be returning home to the UK, where I plan to date with a view towards a serious relationship and eventually marriage.

Before I moved overseas, I would only date black men. They were the only men I had eyes for. Unfortunately they didn’t ever take me seriously. All the black guys I’ve dated have cheated and have been unwilling to commit. The last one was emotionally abusive and extremely deceptive (he had another girlfriend the whole time). When I look back I feel like none of those men realised my value/worth.

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

With all this in mind I feel like I am past the point of considering black men as long term partners. So this is where I start to feel conflicted.

I’m very proud to be black and I would describe myself as being an afrocentric, pro-black woman. With this in mind, I feel extremely conflicted. How can I be taken seriously as an afrocentric woman if I have a non black partner on my arm? I’m not focusing solely on white men, just generally non black men.

Something else I don’t want to have to deal with are the issues of colorism, a lack of cultural pride or shame attached to black hair. I’ve met many black men who hold counterproductive views in these areas. I know how I want to raise my children and I won’t be bringing them into an environment where one of their parents feels this way. Am I naive in thinking problems won’t arise in these 3 specific areas if I find a non black partner?

I know the grass isn’t always greener but I’m being realistic with myself and future dating prospects and I feel like this is the change I need.

I look forward to hearing your insights.



Here’s my take…

Christelyn Karazin is the co-author of Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate, Mixing Race, Culture and Creed. She also operates the popular blog, Beyond Black & White, and operate the first forum dedicated to black women interested and/or involved in interracial relationships.

6 responses to "WATCH QOTW: "I am Past the Point of Considering Black Men as Mates.""

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  1. Posted: 25 May

    I understand how you feel. I gave up on the black male a long time ago and refuse to waste my time on them. And to be frank with you, I have been blissfully happy ever since. I want to be happy, as well as, to be safe and protected. And I do not feel that way at all with a black male. I just got so sick of the abuse, there stupid remarks to know me down, and then they pass themselves off as individuals that do not do anything. But in the meantime, they are blaming you for everything that they are doing, except for themselves. So I took it upon myself to learn how to protect myself, and to be happy. If I can not have that white man in my life that is going to make me happy and fulfilled. I would just rather be alone, single. and celibate. It feels good to knowing that a man can also protect me as well. I want to also know that anywhere down the road, I can depend on him and he can depend on me. Date who you want, who will make you happy, but still protect your heart and be careful.

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  2.   jana12 says:
    Posted: 14 May

    I think you are past the point of considering dysfunctional black males as mates. Keep your options open to a good man, black, white, or whatever other race or color he might be. Is he responsible, is he emotionally mature? Does he want to be a good husband and father? Do your due diligence and learn how to vet your prospects. Good luck and God's blessings to you.

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  3.   suhailey says:
    Posted: 06 Apr

    I totally understand!!

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  4.   reallycute says:
    Posted: 02 Apr

    I don't care what people think, I like what I like.

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  5.   Purple459 says:
    Posted: 29 Mar

    I feel the same way you do and that is what brought me to this site I don't feel conflicted I think I am anxious as to what my co workers will think or even some of my peers

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  6.   g215m says:
    Posted: 19 Mar

    Oh that was a nice statement on that,,

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