The art of attraction isn't just about colour or creed, it's about chemistry and a whole bunch of other things. Swirling author Christelyn Karazon discusses.
Question of the Week: "How Do I Approach Black Women?"
Sometimes it's hard to take the first step to pursue your desires. Taking the plunge into interracial dating can be challenging for some, like a young English guy who reached out to me about his desire to date black women. There's two reasons why he hesitates: He's a bit shy and concerned about being culturally sensitive, and he fears that black men are always a black woman's first choice and that no non-black man can compete.
Take a listen to the advise I give him...
Your perfect partner could be online right now...
What are you looking for?
So, Fyooz folks, what advice would you give "J"?
Have a question you'd like our resident "Swirling" expert to answer? Contact her at christelyn@beyondblackwhite.com Christelyn Russell-Karazin is the co-author of "Swirling: How to Date, Mate & Relate, Mixing Race, Culture and Creed".
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71 responses to "Question of the Week: "How Do I Approach Black Women?""
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DPROMISEPLAY says:Posted: 05 Jul 16there is no special way to approach a black woman but the truth is that just be yourself when you are approaching her don"t try to fake your identity although every woman have their taste in a man but it will be better if you are real to them. i"m a black man and i my country Nigeria our ladies love men to be real to them.
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Mosiah7 says:Posted: 03 Oct 15As a black man, I've found myself asking the same question. How do I approach black women? I've never approached them in a disrespectful, thuggish manner. I'd give them a compliment (nothing lewd, just a compliment) and for my efforts she'd start mean mugging and treating me like I'm being "thirsty." I guess I didn't have enough "swag" or whatever. After awhile I just kind of gave up on approaching them and started doing the interracial thing. Not saying I wouldn't date a sista again but so far I'm cool with the swirl. Good luck to those who have a sista though. I'm not mad at them but I'm at a better place in my life since I opened my mind and stopped focusing solely on dating within my race.
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28Valentina says:Posted: 02 Sep 15Excellent questions and excellent advice. Two thumbs up.
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txn321 says:Posted: 14 Mar 15
Approach a black woman the same way you would approach any other woman. Be yourself and it will happen if it was meant to be. The difference between black women and all other women is simply the color of their skin. They all have different likes and dislikes.
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lolabunie says:Posted: 28 Jul 14well I would have to say approach a black women the same way you would any other woman ,no pressure,be confident, respectful, put your cards on the table and wait for her response.
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MissTexas01 says:Posted: 28 Jul 14I want to say that for those of us women who swirl this may seem like a no brainer. We think it is easy for a man to approach us. I know it isn't. It is not to say we are different but that there is a greater chance of rejection. I am not going to pretend as if it isn't. There are some black women that won't date a white guy even if he is drop dead gorgeous. This adds another factor to the situation. So my advice on how to approach black women when you have no clue if they are a swirler is this. First make eye contact and smile from afar or across the room. You may need to do this twice. Then get closer smile and speak. See if she smiles back. If she does proceed with a compliment etc... the key is the smiling and speaking and gradual approach. Do not rush in. Do not give her the hungry eyes, do not stare without smiling. Oh and compliment her beauty not her booty.
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MissTexas01 says:Posted: 28 Jul 14
I enjoyed listening to the vlog. It shined some light on one hang up I had in interracial dating. I have always been attracted to both non black men and black men equally. I find beauty in every race. I have never gone out on but a few dates with a non black guy because they always seemed to turn me off at some point by stating "how much they love chocolate! " or "how good we are in bed vs non black women" or trying to talk too urban. There is a difference between being urban and being black. Being ghetto is not being black. Me and a friend who also dates white men nick name the ghetto ones white chocolate. Meaning they are white and trying to pass as their version of a black person. Lol I do not like ghetto black and certainly do not want a ghetto white man. My advice is be yourself. Don't let me know on the second date your measurements down below or how you plan on making up for it. That is not a second date conversation man. Find out my last name before you tell me your measurements, sheesh. So I have never gone on a third date consequently. I would like to meet a guy that is comfortable relaxed not too sex crazed.
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Kithi says:Posted: 16 Jul 14my personal view on this question. it’s very important that you be yourself. if you're white guy and you do get turned down, then i guess it just wasn't meant to be. i only date white men and i have turned down a couple simply cause they try too hard. some of them approach with a notion of if they act more black then i will relate and respond back which is never the case. i have absolutely nothing against black men, but if i wanted a black guy i would have got one, don't you think? so like i said be yourself, that's what attracts me to you- the vast differences between us-. Just don't give up though, you'll find your perfect match. again.. this is just my opinion.
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dave_74 says:Posted: 15 Apr 14Just walk with a bit of swag and show her you can make lots of babies and take care of them. Women love men that can take care of babies.
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PinkLadyPink says:Posted: 31 Mar 14I am feeling a bit discouraged, being new at this. I am very interested, yet intimidated. I guess I'll keep at it, because I'm more than sure that this is for me!
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jdunlap says:Posted: 20 Feb 14
As a white guy, confidence was always the thing for me. I was shy back in High School, but when you're out in the real world... confidence is what sells. Be yourself, and who cares about what everyone around you thinks. You want to be happy and you're thinking you might have a chance. Just be yourself and approach any woman with respect. I may sound like a "old man", and i'm 24, but I preach it all the time to every guy. Give it a shot. Be a gentleman, be confident, and above all be yourself.
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Happify says:Posted: 07 Feb 14Approach a black woman the same exact way you would a white women or Hispanic woman or an Asian woman.
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ergam34 says:Posted: 30 Jan 14
but anyway sometimes it is not easy to be a comfortable situation when wanting to go out with a black women.. alot of people automatically with out even thinking .. automatuically... they think there is an obsession... but its not... they either dont like it that they never got the chance to date or else was not allowed to... but but for me it doesnt matter what black man might think.. all the ones ive ever known and still know are ok and dont ever have any complaints about my baby girl but the only thing i dont like and am comfortable witbh is that alot of times woman they think for some reason they have to have tight clothes on or walk around like they all that.. some i know do.. not all of them.. but there is a big difrence between african women and women here... that is really mostly just the attitude they sometimes have...but that is nothing that cant be dealt with but for the most part a person should pray for and ask for guidence and be with the one they feel comfortable with and not let peer pressure from others keep them from doing what they need to
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ergam34 says:Posted: 30 Jan 14
mmmm hmm.. there e is no reason for you to get upset miss chocolate princess she wasnt talking to you directly unless this was an issue you were having and it is true for you what she said.. but anyway... but the only important thing is to just be who you are... but there are a lot of brown women,, a few black ones but mostly they are brown.. but anyway there are alot of them that are pretty and attractive... and a few that are not but ... there are times when i think some have tried to .. might have tried to flirt with me...i dont know, but... it doesnt matter what any one else think it is only important to the two people and god.. but there is only one race,, the human race.. only many difrent kinds and colors of people but they are all human decendand in one form or another from Noah who had the ark them before that from adam and eve... the bible says we are all of one blood.. we all have one God who made everything... NO wheres in the bible does it say that we can not be with a person of a difrent color and people who think it does need to have a reality check but it only says not to be withn someone who does not have the same faith as you.. thats all it says.. and if people dont like it they dont have to... just make sure your heart is right and you both believe the same faith and in the bible. thats all
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ChocPrncess says:Posted: 18 Jan 14Sorry. I disagree with some of your advice. The whole statement about how black women are used to men being aggressive or overt. Frankly I am NOT used to such behavior. I view it as low class and unseemly. It is not how I was raised nor is it how my family behaves. Not everything that you state as being how we black women are, is accurate or applicable to me nor all black women. You are describing a certain "type" of black woman, honestly in my estimation one who is not or was not raised with a true middle class or upper class asthetic. And frankly I can go to O'Mallys and be surrounded by a bunch of "Beckies" and be perfectly comfortable. Honestly I would be more comfortable there than I would be surrounded by a bunch of "Laquishas" in a spot in the hood. I honestly cannot relate to "Tyrone". Never have and most likely never will. Stop treating black culture as if it is monolithic. Not all of us display the behaviors of which you speak.
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TropicalCoCo says:Posted: 11 May 14ChocPrncess, thank you for saying that. I agree with you 100 percent, especially what you said about going to O'Mallys and feeling very comfortable surrounded by Beckies, rather than in the hood with Laquishas. Kudos to you.
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MissTexas01 says:Posted: 28 Jul 14
Is there only two extremes? Why can't there be a median. I am not uncomfortable around all Blacks and I am not uncomfortable around "laquishas". Keep in mind there are some all black venues that are filled with black educated middle class black women even if their name just so happen to be Janiesha. A rose by any other name is still a rose. I see what you are saying regardless you would feel more comfortable around Caucasian women. This is unfortunate. I have friends from all races from Beckys to Laquishas and let me tell you they are all good people. My friends I went to college with sometimes talk about the Laquishas I get offended. Mainly because had I not had above average intelligence and that scholarship I may have been Laquisha. Lucky enough for me I was exposed through various programs to the arts, education, higher pleasures. I look down on no one. I don't feel uncomfortable around anyone. Especially not my own race. Befriend a Laquisha I bet you will find despite her socioeconomic status she is a lot of fun. Beckys can party. Beckys get wild...do not try to keep up with them drinking. Even still there is a middle. The best of both worlds.
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duchess02 says:Posted: 09 Jan 14
Oh that's easy just smile be your self and don't be creepy lol
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loyaleve says:Posted: 25 Nov 13Use your eyes and at least try to pretend even if you are a bedroom dracula that you never heard the word *sex* before . Why ? Many black women know that men on the prowl for sexual action expect to get it scotch on the rocks style from a black woman(real time). Never insinuate her ancestors were monkeys. Never act like you think chimpanzees in the laboratory could be her siblings. Take very deep breaths and make sure there is courtesy in your statements. You may find yourself having to do some purification of her expectations from life. Don*t be shocked simply accept it as life and be bold enough to groom the rough edges. Your chances with a black woman are higher if you are committment conscious. If you are committment phobic, she might think you a huge clown. Only confident men can date black women. Why? You may have to deal with every sceptical person on both sides of your friendship. Last but not the least never treat her as if she were an escape route from economic meltdown. No woman be her black or white or yellow likes to get the feeling that her man will not try to move financial mountains for her. To cap it all, black women loose the fangs in the presence of a true gentleman.
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oceanc says:Posted: 29 Sep 13Confidence is the key, be yourself, because why would you want to have an interest in someone who is not ok with you being yourself anyways... and like some of the other guys have said in their posts, it has nothing to do with race, we are all one color... 'People" the different class that a woman is use to does make a difference... this you will have to decided do you want to interact with someone who is more into casual dining for an example or into high class dining, the same thing you should ask in any dating situation, just try to ask questions to understand each other compatibility; what are your likes and dislikes and the things you have in common, you don't have to both like everything the same, but it is also helpful if you both can find that common topic converse upon with one another. Bottom line, be yourself, be confident..
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CanadianGC says:Posted: 15 Sep 13That was nice stereotyping advice. Jay, just be yourself, expect to be rejected it happens I doubt if you are shy more likely just uncomfortable approaching females. You will become more comfortable with experience..... much like everything else in life.
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Docfin says:Posted: 04 Aug 13
Don't let color be a factor, my man. Yes, I understand your preference for dark skinned women, but you have to pay attention to what's going on inside the head and heart. Do that, and the rest will follow.
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curtis97 says:Posted: 26 Jun 13i act as if we went to high school together but i act like all the assholes wasn't there to criticize me and i just don't care what people think at least it works for me
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prettygirl46 says:Posted: 28 May 13
It really depends on where you are. When I was in the grocery store a white man was next to me on line so he started talking to me about the healthy food they were serving. I think he was just making small talk because he saw that I was with someone, but the point is you can make small talk about anything, and if she sounds friendly and interested you talk a little more. Remember too that women want respect so you can say, "I hope I'm not bothering you." Let her respond and pay her a nice compliment.
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aujus says:Posted: 17 May 13Sounds like Russell-Karazin is simply promoting her book: Cultural sensitivity?? Assuming black women are solely looking for black men?? They sound more like Sociology Electives than real issues in the arena of love/attraction. Almost EVERY poster in this thread has already dismissed these two non-issues by the very commonsensical advice of simply approaching a woman as a woman, assuming only that she's intelligent, not desperate and maintains a high degree of integrity. Period. No authorial advice needed. p.s. The only occasional issue I can think of(from my own experience as a white guy) is that sometimes you might need to SUBTLY hint that you're not simply curious about dating interracially. You are seriously looking for a partner. You fall in love with a smile, with curious eyes and intellect -- you just prefer the bow on the package to be deliciously chocolatey brown.
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imtheone78 says:Posted: 21 Apr 13Just do it. Every woman, Black, White, Asian or Hispanic what to be treated as a woman and with respect. Just be yourself is all the advice you really need.
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dzNOLA says:Posted: 24 Feb 13SugahRush...GREAT COMMENTS!!!! Very helpful advice too!! But darlin...it ain't that easy!! Thankfully, I don't EVER have to worry ever again about 'how to approach ANY woman', as I have been incredibly blessed to have met (right here on this site!) and married my lovely Jamaican bride! Most guys are generally intimidated by beautiful women anyway; and when your preference for beauty extends beyond your own race or culture, it ratchets up the pressure considerably! My profile is still visible on this site as we're waiting for our Success Story to be published; it's altered to include only our wedding photos, and clearly posts my status as MARRIED. If not for this site, due to the distance between Jamaica and New Orleans, my wife and I would NEVER have met. Not only THAT, but my sweetie is SO gorgeous and sexy that I doubt ANY amount of "liquid courage" would have loosened my tongue enough to be able to speak to her with anything that sounded even remotely intelligent! Clearly, because we live in a country that still harbors a great deal of foolish and evil notions about race, the BW/WM relationship remains far less common than WW/BM, at least in the U.S.! In my personal experience, it's a tremendous challenge to first get an impression of her mindset; whether or not she's open to "swirling". And not many of us (certainly not ME!) have the drop-dead good looks of George Clooney or John Stamos that would dramatically increase receptiveness to our advances! Bill Ingval has a pee-your-pants-FUNNY routine where he hands out a "STUPID" sign for (intellectually challenged) people to wear. Christelyn, the author of "Swirling" had an introductory video on her blog that women of (ANY) color should perhaps have a "I date white guys!" sign that openly declares her availablity. Sheeesshh!! Sure woulda saved ME a ton of sweat!! Last, but not least, those of us who are GENUINE in our view of humanity have to find a way to navigate through the turbulence created by the asinine curiosity-seekers!! God be with you always, my wife and I will keep you all in our prayers; that you will find that love that you seek!
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SugahRush says:Posted: 20 Feb 13"Excuse me, may I sit here/buy you a fresh drink/visit with you?" "Hello, my name is (Your Name Here). May I share this table/space/ a conversation with you?" "Hi there. My name is (Y N H). This is some party/dance/club/service/place!! If you're not here with anyone, I'd love to share a meal/drink/conversation with you." "Hi. May I have this dance?" "Hi.My name is (Your Name Here). I overheard your comment on (Your subject here) and I truly admire the way you express yourself. Can we talk?" "Pardon me. My name is (YNH). That color is absolutely flattering on you....(let conversation flow)... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> It often depends on the situation or setting. ANY approach which shows grace, deference, respect and admiration for the Person/Recipient, the Place/Setting, the Occasion is acceptable. Also, use of humor & creativity (not a tired pick up line) is often welcome... "I know this is no school cafeteria, but I really want to sit with you. May I? Please circle YES or NO. ............ .Signed, Rod." I CRACKED UP...and circled YES!!
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husy444 says:Posted: 30 Jan 13just be confident & aproch her like u would a white woman dont be scared you have the same chances like a black guy. am a black woman but i like a white man
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jod212 says:Posted: 14 Jan 13
May I suggest you approach a "Black Woman" as a woman first and keep your preference to yourself, as it can offend some women more than others. Its like saying you will only date date women who graduated from Ivy League school's or any other catagory. The person who is the target of your interest no longer feel's special, but is now feeling set apart by your interest as though they fill a quota that has nothing to do with them. Most women (and men) want to carve out a special place in their lover's heart, no be a notch on a belt. We all have a bias of one kind or another. I would have a hard time living with a whistler...for example. The noise make's me want to put an axe through a man's head, ugh!!! When I meet a man I like, that is one of the deal breaker issues I try to find out up front so I can move on and neither of us be hurt in the process (it turn's out your either a hummer or whistler, essentually you cannot really change). As for you, you need to be "dating women who happen to be Black" and you need to stop dating "Black women"...get the picture. A shift in your approach as well as mind set is what is needed. You can still have your preference, just keep it to yourself unless asked. I believe you'll be more successful that way. Good luck :o)
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Intriquing says:Posted: 11 Jan 13
Say Hi, introduce yourself like you would any other woman. I've only had one negative approach and it was a guy that tried talking to me using ebonics, and talked to me like I was just an ignorant black woman. I was disgusted and angry. Black women are not different, we're not all ignorant either; show the same respect you would anyone else. There's no formula.....
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katetex says:Posted: 08 Jan 13Just say to her ,"how you doing" ,and it opens up a conversation ,you will be surprised. we are just approachable as any other race. There is no formula.
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HEARTofaMAN says:Posted: 11 May 13now thats what i am talking about... common sense... nothin loud lavishing rude.. basic go getter approach
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HEARTofaMAN says:Posted: 11 May 13
l.ol you are not saying WE as a species are you >>>LOL
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lwolf says:Posted: 03 Jan 13
I am the same who I talk to I am just me. But the sec. I say I prefer black women it is as if I grew to heads
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s1a2m3m4y5 says:Posted: 02 Jan 13
I think white men should not be shy when approaching black women,just be nice calm and friendly.don't worry guys if u get rejected always remember there are lots more black women,and I personally love you guys and I sure a lot of black women do.
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sexyhaunter says:Posted: 22 Nov 13Nicely said all agree with your statement.
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Happy_Girl says:Posted: 01 Jan 13
YOU walk over and say HI, my name is _________(fill in the blank). WHAT is your name? Simple huh? I know crazy.
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SunnFlower77 says:Posted: 30 Dec 12
For me, showing a genuine smile and a simple hello. Be yourself.
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Drew30338 says:Posted: 29 Dec 12
A very interesting topic, to be sure. My issue is more around the fact that having moved (2 years ago) from Atlanta to Phoenix, there are not many black women to ask out. I found out that I preferred black ladies when I lived in the ATL (only there a year, then back to Phx) and it was like heaven in that there is a fine selection of beautiful and educated ladies to date. I guess it's too bad for me that I am not as attracted to Latinas. Maybe I just need to move back to Atlanta. All y'all have fun out there and be kind to one another --
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NubiaOneLove says:Posted: 29 Dec 12I would advise that folk "Don't believe the hype!" We are not a monolith. We are (and I find it sad that there's a need to explain this, but we are) women - with varying dispositions, backgrounds, and expectations. But we all want to be treated with dignity and respect. I find that some White men feel it's just fine to address a sister as though she's a video vixen or some degraded vision of womanhood. They will try to adopt a persona - what they think a Black man is like in his approach. (not much thought at all given in that scenario) The loud, scary, aggressive, ill-mannered, uneducated, angry person we see depicted, time and again - well, there are those who profit from that stereotype. We're not talk-show trash. We are the African counterpart to your sister, your mother, your daughter...
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Javan094 says:Posted: 28 Dec 12I understand because I don't find it easy at all to approach whitewomen !
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reese says:Posted: 28 Dec 12
Black women need to be more open to exploring options and make sure that it is known that alot of us are open to dating non black men. I think all those talk shows did us a disservice where they had black women talking about only black men will do. So many of us are over that now. The jest of yall need to move on. They will date who they want and you cannot stop it. Why even try?
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NewwRomance says:Posted: 28 Dec 12
I don't think men should assume that there is a way to approach a particular ethnicity. Just keep it classy, no matter who you approach. You may find that they are just as interested as you are.
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Brunsugah says:Posted: 26 Dec 12The best approach is just to say 'hello'. If your online and you think you would be a match then send her a email or if its in person then 'man-up'. I love confident guys who know how to approach me.
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Chibrotha773 says:Posted: 25 Dec 12
Am I the only 1 who finds it interesting that you have to approach black girls different than other races of women lmao...pitiful.
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reese says:Posted: 28 Dec 12
I wonder if you read the article. It was a nonblack guy wondering how to approach black women because he fears we only like our own men.
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Shondra says:Posted: 24 Dec 12Just be yourself. Also get a feel for what kind of lady you are dealing with. I, for example, am not attracted to the loud, obnoxious flirting. I am a subtle woman. I actually have not been approached in public by a man of another race, BUT I would completely welcome it! A phrase has stuck out to me lately, "You can't win, if you don't play!" If you don't say anything, you'll never know what could have been. Take a step out there and say something!
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TheCJ says:Posted: 22 Dec 12I noticed this thing about black girls being less attentive subtle flirts. I remember this one time I was walking through a mall parking lot, and I this saw this one black girl. She looked so good that I couldn't help it, I just blurted out without time to think : "damn girl you look so eem eem GOOD!" , AND KINDA shyed off a bit but looked back only to see her give me that nice look on her face. lol
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Happy_Girl says:Posted: 01 Jan 13
There was nothing respectful or subtle about that. I would have kept walking also. That is the kind of stuff you see in a black exploration movie. AND you really wonder why black women dont response to that?
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HEARTofaMAN says:Posted: 11 May 13
jus curious what kind of woman would actually respond to that...lol Try Try Try commenting on something other than her physical attributes. (hair clothes shoes jewelery)
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Intrabeauty says:Posted: 21 Dec 12Any black woman who laughs in your face or rejects you in some rude way, will probably be like that to all men and would not be a very nice person in general. A normal black woman likes it when guys approach her and she might be shy about it, but she won't make you feel bad if she turns you down for whatever reason. When guys, especially non-black, do flirt I may put up a defensive wall but only to hide my shyness and astonishment. If I don't, I'll just turn to mush lol.
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alan1972 says:Posted: 21 Dec 12
I swear the topics here get more and more hilarious every week. How do i approach black women? Well first of all we're not talking about rattlesnakes. Saying hi to a black woman is unlikely to result in death or serious injury (Unless you happened to miss the big, jealous boyfriend but that's pretty standard for all women so don't just dive in!) Surely you should approach a black woman like any other human being. You know, show a bit of respect. Be your irresistable, charming self. And if that doesn't work then say 'adios' and move on with your life. It's basic stuff really. I'm sure we learnt all this back in the playground.
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kreamnsugah says:Posted: 20 Dec 12In my opinion, you would approach a black woman as you would any other woman. If you see someone you like or attracted to, make a move. Show some confidence, be positive and own it. And you'll never know if she is interested or not unless you take the initiative and find out. The exciting part is in the learning about one anothers culture. Now that's a turn on for me. If she says no, then oh well. You're not out of anything nor have you lost anything. Good luck and go for it!!!!
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Rranderson says:Posted: 19 Dec 12Sorry I made a mistake above. I meant, "might not be good for you".
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Who Would Sacrifice Their Interracial Relationship for Black Issues? I received a desperate note from a fan on our Facebook fan page, on the heels of the embarrassing Black Love interview with a woman who proclaimed alliance to black people and discouraged other people...
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An Open Letter to Light Skinned 'Sisters' Who Bash Dark Girls for Swirling
An Open Letter to Light Skinned "Sisters" Who Bash Dark Girls for Swirling Dear Light-Skinned-Pro-Black-Nothing-Butta-Brotha-For-Me Women, I need to ask you a favor. I’ve noticed lately in social media a lot of posts and videos with light skinned, silky-haired black(ish) ...
Your perfect partner could be online right now...
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Coaching Testimonial
"My online love inspiration angel"
Submitted by: Patricia, USA, 21
To be honest, in the beginning, I thought it would be a waste of time. But since I've never seen a similar service in any other dating site, I decided to give it a try.
I always "thought" my profile was on point and I did not need any help to correct my page. I always had in my profile if someone is not attracted to my profile, then that's "their" loss.
BOY WAS I WRONG!!
I will never forget my first time using the Coaching Service I was introduced to my personal Dating Coach. Let me put it this way, if it was not for her I would have given up long time ago (even though I'm a new member).
She taught me so many things and gave me good advice, I did not want to stop chatting with her at all.
She opened my eyes to many possibilities when finding love. She is definitely an inspiration and I appreciate a whole lot. She is more than a Dating Coach to me; she is more of a close friend/guide to me. She is definitely my "online love-inspiration angel".
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As much as I'd love to say 'the same way you approach a white woman' I actually can't. It depends on where the black woman was raised, values differ. You need to first check out how conservative she is and her type of person. But most importantly, be yourself!