QOTW: Indian Woman Wonders She is Attractive Enough for Her White Boyfriend

Posted by Christelyn, 13 Mar

Beauty... Standards of beauty. White has always been considered as the main marker. So when a beautiful woman of color questions her beauty, its not a shocker.

Well, this Indian woman has been with a man who only finds white celebrities hot. And being a woman of color, she is wondering if she is beautiful enough for him and if their relationship stands a chance.

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The Question:

Hello my boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. He is white and I am Indian. I am from the United States born and raised, so I adopt more American culture than Indian culture. Yet, I still love eating Indian food, can understand some Hindi, love watching the movies and celebrate Diwali. I am first generation.

So I've been dating him for 6 months, and I'm really concerned about our relationship. Sometimes I wonder if I am attractive enough for him, because he every celebrity that he thinks is hot is white. We live in the south and apparently, a hot "blonde" is the best thing you can get. He has told me that he doesn't understand what is the big deal about blondes, he likes brunettes. But when he says this it is hurtful because he is only talking about white girls. I am a beautiful girl, I have had many men interested me in the past, so Ive never felt insecure. Except now. He keeps mentioning the blonde thing when he mentions other guys making a big deal about it. And it makes me feel so alienated because I am not white. I don't know.

I'm from the north and I moved here a while ago, and I experience subtle racism here that I never had to deal with in the north. I don't really know how to feel.

I guess I'm not articulating this well. It's just his passing remarks of girls/celebrities he thinks is hot- which I look nothing like because of my skin. And also the girls he's dated in the past have all been super fit and thin (yoga instructors or fitness girls) and although I've never felt fat in my life, I feel like he looks at me like I'm a whale. I'm 5'6'' and 133lbs. He always talks about fitness and eating super healthy food- and has told me that I eat too much carbs and sugar. He has never said I'm fat, but he makes me feel like I'm huge sometimes.

All of this on top of the fact that its an interracial relationship puts a lot of stress on me. Its not only the physical stuff too. He doesn't have any friends who aren't white. To me, its crazy Ive always had multiple friends of color, and to not have any its even more isolating, when I meet his friends or family. Everyone is white and everyone is conservative. His parents like Donald Trump (its not a joke). And the fact that his parents can like someone racist like that when there son is dating a girl of another race is just too shocking and unbelievable. His friends always ask us "how did you guys meet?" As if it is strange for us to be together. Or worse, when random people or some of his other friends meet us they don't even consider that we are in a relationship. Even though, we are affectionate in public.

I feel so alienated when I hang out with his friends and family. I am the only one who is different and their stares bare down on me . I don't really know what to do, can you guys give me some tips for interracial relationships?

Summary : Interracial Dating constantly being compared to white is right in terms of attractiveness, and no diversity in boyfriends friends. How can I cope?

My Take:

Christelyn Karazin is the co-author of Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate, Mixing Race, Culture and Creed. She also operates the popular blog, Beyond Black & White, and operate the first forum dedicated to black women interested and/or involved in interracial relationships.

1 responses to "QOTW: Indian Woman Wonders She is Attractive Enough for Her White Boyfriend"

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  1. Posted: 03 Apr 16

    These concerns need to be addressed directly with your boyfriend. It appears that you have the problem not him. I find men attractive that I could never see myself with, for various reasons. It could possibly be that he is undecided concerning what his type really is. He might be like a lot of young men. He might honestly like all women. You will never know unless you have an open conversation with him. If he blows off your concerns, then he is just enjoying the relationship and might actually not have an serious plans for anything long term with you. Sometime love and relationship especially interracial ones, can be challenging

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