Married but never in love. Stay or go?
The other day, a friend of mine confessed that all the while she’s been married; she has never been in love with her husband. She only did it because she was trying to please everyone but herself … doing what she thought she was supposed to; marry a nice man … the kind any woman would want for a husband.
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Now, guilt is eating her up and it has made her shut down emotionally. And to paint for you the gravity of the situation, there are children in the equation. He is not only a great father, but also a great husband and friend to her. Now she feels she has missed out on feelings … the madly-in-love bliss that people feel at some stage of romance … the heart-pounding kind of feeling …
Should she walk away from the marriage or should she hold out for hope that she will eventually develop feelings for him? Would you stay in marriage where you feel no sexual attraction nor emotional attachment just because your spouse is a great person?
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60 responses to "Married but never in love. Stay or go?"
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Starx says:Posted: 20 Aug 09
I am 31 and have been married for 7 years. I have two young children and I am not in love with my husband. The fact is I don't think I have ever really been 'In Love' with my husband at all! We got together when I was young and there is a large age gap (9 years) between us. He is the only person I have ever been intimate with and for that reason, maybe I feel like I've missed out a bit. Aside from the 'missing out'I have had a hard time over the last few years. My husband (since we met) worked away from home, I gave birth twice in two years, I was working part-time and to top it off on my days off work I took care of my sister's two children (all of which were under 3 years old). I lost my identity somewhat. Having come through all that I have realised that I am actually a much stronger person now than I ever was and that through the hardest time in my life my husband was not there (neither physically nor emotionally...some nights I would cry myself to sleep as all I needed was a cuddle) it's the worst feeling in the World being in a house with someone and feeling alone. 30 was a really huge turning point for me and I went a bit off the rails so to speak. I needed to find myself again and I met someone. The passion was there and I so wanted to (but didn't). Now I'm left not wanting my husband at all. I don't want him to kiss me (I cringe at the thought of him wanting more when he comes to bed). I moved out with my children for a while and it really gave my husband a kick up the butt...he has realised that he doesn't want to lose me so he's really making an effort (trouble is for me its too little too late). We have certainly drifted apart and we have totally different interests now. I know I should stay for my children but I want to be happy too and I don't want to hurt anyone. Leaving would hurt him....staying I'm only hurting myself. The children are used to him being away working and are so young that I can't see it effecting them too much....!!!
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xxxxxxx says:Posted: 23 Jul 09
Ok so I'm going through the exact same thing, married for the same reasons and was never in love with him... I have a 5 yeaar old girl that we both adore and she love s him and i very much... Very close family.. I am very spiritual and sexual and passionate and he is not. I tried to teach him and I guess u can't teach being in love... Now I can't even kiss him I don't know him we don't even have sex because i don't want to sleep with him i feel yuckkkkkky... U tell me hpow lonng u would stay in this for ur kid... People are so quick too judge... I don't believe in divorce either but u know what that's bullshit u don't know till it happens to u... I got married to please everyone and people say it's ok if you're not in love and he is a wondeful man u will learn to love him. I'ts always good when a man loves a women more bull that's why i got married loved him, best of friends great awesome husmband and father but not for me... I might regret leaving him and I feel so selfish doing this to our child... I'm stuck with someone i love but can't even kiss or sleep with and that i do not get tuirned on by depressed for the past 6 years ( been married for 6) I don't do anything because i feel that i have no reason to be happy.. I'm in bed with a guy i don't want!!!!!( i'm only 28 got married a 23) Had a lot of lovers and was in love before but not with somebody i would wanna marry and let me tell u I would rather be jn love with a man that has half what he has to offer and be happy. We'll see what happens, we go to therapy now and it makes it worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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heaty007 says:Posted: 14 Jul 09I think she shoud tell him. One user said DO THE WORK. Excuse me but you have 1 life. You could die right now so if you are not happy get out of it. I lived like that for 2 years then one day she came to me and told me she didn't want to be with me and we both felt the same way. We are even better friends now but we lived stressed out for 2 years for nothing. SO GET OUT OF IT NOW.
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BuddyLove says:Posted: 12 Jul 09I'm in a very similar situation.I truly beleive it is the worst thing you can ever do. Especially the spouse is very nice and there are kids envolved.I have been told that I am a great Dad and guy as well. What makes it even worse,you tell them over and over that you are not happy.But nothing seems to click upthere.When you marry to please other that is exactly what you do.There was never Love .Just convience for me. I want to feel something. You know that kick.Hopefully I have not waited too long.Prefer to be with my Black Queen but having doubts.And nice looking brother who I is independent,God fearing.Was just trying to stay loyal. But is time to move on.
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carol328 says:Posted: 09 Jul 09
When you haven't had love, love is everything. I think she is doing exactly the right thing. The opinions of others do not count in this type of situation. She has to follow her heart and what she believes. It is her life. God has nothing to do with it.
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Member says:Posted: 11 Jun 09
Well, I think... we have to responsible to whatever the way we have chosen. We decided to get married with him, so we have to try to enjoy it. Thanks God, he is a great person. Love is not everything. Sometimes, we can't manage our life. Just do it. And God's hand will help us in this life. So many women got married with love but they didn't even get any happiness in their family relationship.
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bluescene says:Posted: 10 Jun 09Bythe way, "unconditional love"... we really aren't built that way. Probably the closest we get to that is for our babies, parents...family...maybe.But even with children we begin to expect them to be a certain awy-which is the the beginning of the end of "unconditional love". We bring children here out of our own needs. Please understand that this is not a judgment, not a negative assessment of human love. It is just how we are.We need one another for different things at different times throughout our lives and that is human and okay.Needs like connection, communion, survival, protection, associations, communication...etc. I am not degrading us as humans only being truthful.Instaed of using the word, "love" use a phrase like, I am attached or attracted to this person because... ... ... , and that will help make th ereasons for the attachment more clear. This is also why we sometimes feel we no longer "love". People's needs shift. Yes, it is selfish. Selfish because it IS all about geeting our needs met. I understand the anger that people are sharing about the kids suffering too. That is difficult, I know.Well, I must go for now. Wanted to share with you all. Thank you all for sharing yourselves so truthfully and openly. Lke someone else here said, it is generous and it's good that we are having these conversations. We "need" this kind of dialogue to learn about one another, yes? Take good care you all!
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bluescene says:Posted: 10 Jun 09
Dear ted1973, I'm so sorry that you were hurt and are hurt.I hope you find love and joy soon. I've been hurt too and as soon as I re-opened my heart from protection, I was able to give and receive it again. It's a courageous move but worth it.Is it possible that you knew that she didn't love you? That might have been the start of the pain,right? Finally you are free to find someone who can share life with you again.I remember walking around hurt and bitter and feeling so isolated from everyone, especially those who seemed to have found what I lost. After a while and after many good people told me the truth, I was able to see more clearly and that the hurtful relationship was all part of my growth and could be part of the plan to find more truth.Don't harden your heart, Ted. Don't. Under that wall of anger is a beautiful heart that is injured and afraid to let itself out again.I realized that the person did me a great favor by finally allowing me to find my souls mate.Looking back and resenting is like letting someone live rent free in your heart and mind.You are alive and able to move forward Ted. Do it! Open up and let it in! There's a lot of good loving people out there,even good friends you can share life with. Do what you love and you will find your heart again. Peace out to you. xo
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Delphine00 says:Posted: 08 Jun 09The grass looks greener on the other side. There are single people who probably think that this marriage is a perfect one and long for its perfection. Little do they know. There are quite a few marriages that I know of personally that fit this very description. This is sad and leads to a very sad daily existence, not life.
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ted1973 says:Posted: 08 Jun 09
Well... She is selfish. This happened to me. My wife only marreid me because she wanted kids and and house. She admitted that she never loved me after nine years. I asked her were the kids created out of love,she said no. But she said she loves the kids, how is that possible? She was not open and honest, it was two week from the time she said that until she filed for divorce. The vows meant nothing to her. I loved her but that meant nothing to her. ITs the coldest thing that one person could do to another, I never had a chance.... To all... Marraige is the unconditional acceptance of the other person. SAy yes to marraige is saying you love the other person.
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ohree says:Posted: 06 Jun 09I agree with world citizen. this friend is living in a dream world. she made the committment, has a great guy and a lovely family......she needs to do the work. the grass is not greener on the other side. she will split up what even she says is a great family. for what? lust, valentine hearts, and that "high school" oh im in love feeling? and to begin with anyone who marries because of other ppl wasnt mature to begin with. and she sounds like she still has not matured. some things are more important then me me me sometimes its family. but still, I say she made the committment, she has the children to prove it, she has a great man and father.....SO DO THE WORK.
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Lee4love3 says:Posted: 05 Jun 09I can undersstand her very well. I married a lady and she told me almost 3 years later, she didn't love me at first. She claimed she grew to love me. But over the 12 year period--we broke up 3 times along with the Army giving us breaks. Instead of using these times for deep thought, she amassed many affairs. Finally ot was over for us and I wasn't at all upset. I was dissappointed in myself more
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Icvggurl says:Posted: 04 Jun 09I think she should have thought about that before she married him, thats a vow before god. Pleasing other people doesnt matter if your not also pleasing yourself. I honestly think she should have broke it off before she ever thought about marrying him. If she would have the situation may not b as serious, and progressed as far as it has. Also if she hasnt developed feeling for him by now, chances are she not goin to. My opinion is for her to leave him ASAP because the longet it goes on the more he will be hurt. Also because her soul mate is out there sumwhere. She doesnt want to miss out on the feeling of falling in love. As for the kids they will understand, im sure they dont want to see there mom unhappy.
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Austrian says:Posted: 26 May 09
Dear GoodMan, You do not describe yourself as an egotistic man. You invested much into this relationship, trying to have a 'good marriage'. If you can not have a sensible talk with your wife, describing how unhappy you feel, you may try to approach your daughter, who should love and respect you, and hopefully has trust in you. This is only possible, if she has matured enough and did not grow up too sheltered. She probably has friends, who have had similar family problems. You do not have to wait until she is in college. Perhaps she is not surprised, as she may have noticed the unbalanced situation. It is to be expected, that your wife feels secure and unwilling to give up the good life! You are equipped with what it takes to look positively into the future: You are young, industrious, spiritual, communicative, experienced, handsome, Also YOU are entitled to happiness.
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phillymama says:Posted: 26 May 09I feel sorry for the person who feels that because she 'made a commitment' that there is NO turning back! You are basically saying that she should be forced to live a lie and 'oh well' that's her story and she needs to make it work and have NO other choices! And you said the key words-- the group around you do in fact 'matter' and they are not getting the 'best' of you! They are getting the 'role' you play and feel that you have to stay in which is not true. I said it before and I'll say it again.... look into your heart and if you really don't want to be there... Leave! Those that truly love you will understand and will support you! It is a wound and all wounds heal with time and life can be what you want it to be and not a 'lie'.
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Austrian says:Posted: 25 May 09
lalaland, your advice is nobel and supported by many good reasons, why marriage should be taken more seriously right from the very beginning. Evolution has shown us though, that there are many civilizations all over the world, who morally are not worse than our western culture, and who have completely different arrangements. As the world is growing closer, there are influences, which we all have to deal with. I have heard of 'matches' made by parents, which turned out to be wonderful marriages. This is not only common in Islamic countries, but it was always - and is sometimes today, practiced in Monarchies in Europe. Of course, there were also many unhappy matches, some ended with suicide. I could not imagine, not being able to make my own choice! I just want to express, that there are many reasons for people to get married. Economical reasons play a large role, but LOVE is - of course - the most wonderful of all. As I said in my recent (above) comment - people grow and change - and most of us are not nuns and monks. Everyone is entitled to love and be loved. Unfortunately, this is not always possible without someone else getting hurt. By the way, the type of marriage in our society does not exist for a very long period. It mostly does not work, as divorce rates show. It was well meant in the past, but we may have to look for other arrangements for the future, especially to protect our children. And as far as we look back in history, it was 'cool' for a husband to have a mistress. Society did not look down on him. Now, since women feel liberated to take the same rights, and many start being independent, the divorce rates increase drastically - guess who gets blamed!
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lalaland says:Posted: 23 May 09
I just cannot believe some of the comments I have read here; I really hope that some of you who are pushing for people to “be real” or to think about themselves above all, are no therapist in real life!! In life we make mistakes, and it takes a responsible person to deal with it. Now a marriage is something that involves not only you but others: wife, husbands, kids. When you decide to get married you have to be aware that whatever you do will have to include the group; the fact that people want to focus on themselves ALL the time creates the problem!! As someone mentioned, with what we see and hear these days, we want to experience the Cinderella story, nothing wrong with that, but to leave the happily ever after you first need to carefully pick your prince or princess charming and WORK on making each day of your lives a beautiful story!! Note that I said WORK, because it requires dedication and discipline, it doesn’t just happen, life happens. I could prattler on for while on this subject, but let me make it short. Your friend made the choice for whatever reason to marry this man; she can obviously see the good in him, as humans we feel like the grass is always greener on the other side. If she and her husband talk it out and she discovers that he either feels the same or actually loves her, they should work together on doing what is best for the children. If she chooses to meet another man, and if she keeps the same self centered attitude, the cycle will start all over, and she will never find what she wants! For all those not married yet, don’t confuse infatuation and butterflies with love. Love equals placing another’s needs before your own; now imagine that both partners do so, they will not have time to focus on being sorry for themselves as their goals will be to constantly please the other. There are so many aspects of marriage people no longer take into account when they say “I do”; this is a life time investment, no one is foolish enough to invest their treasure in something that guarantees no return, we do a thorough analysis when it comes to investing our funds, why don’t we do so with our lives which are priceless? I will conclude in saying, there are things that are important to us as a person, dreams, goals, religion, whatever…whenever we are considering choosing a partner, those are things that should not be compromised, if that person does not see things the same way, it is bound to fail. If there is something bugging you at the start; that something will mushroom as life happens. We have all been raised differently and have different cultures (even in the same country) so it is only normal that there are differences…but there are differences that should not be tolerated when seeking a mate!
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godiva61 says:Posted: 23 May 09To GoodMan_4031, How are you today? I hope all is well with you considering your present circumstances.. I have to say that my heart goes out to you.. I'm sure that your situation is very stressful and disheartening for you, coupled with the fact that there is an innocent child involved. I have to be honest with you by saying "I admire you for tolerating so much for your child's sake". There is not too many men or women who would put there happiness on the back burner for the well being of their children. I admire anyone who can do that, and it speaks volumes about your character, so don't be too hard on yourself, you have a lot more going on for yourself than you may realize... I wish that I had some true and meaningful words of wisdom to give you, but I don't think that I have. However I just wanted to say to you that I hope things get better for you real soon. You are 41 and you have so much to look forward to. We only get the one chance at this thing called life, so we have to make the best of it and sometimes that means having to make certain decisions, even though sometimes the situation is so bleak that we think to oursleves, that there is no "right" answer and that there is no way that we can come to the right decision without someone getting hurt, but here's the thing, you are hurting... From what you have disclosed here it seems that maybe she is a little selfish and of course you know that no HEALTHY relationship can thrive or excel when one is totally selfish and can not or, will not consider the other person feelings and needs. It's time that you love yourself enough to want better!!!!!!!! Forget the reasons why you did what you did by marrying her. You know why but that's not the true issue here. Don't beat yourself up over the "why", what's done is done.. Look forward to the future, the second half of your life, you owe yourself that much, but you have to believe this, and you have to also really want better for yourself!!! I know you don't want to shatter your child, I know for myself that I would rather die than to see my son hurt, but one of the ways that we shape our children, and teach our children is how we live, but more importantly, how we react and respond to the not so pleasantries in our lives. He or she will base their approach, and react to their future relationships by what they have seen and heard in your relationship. My sister in law once said " that when her parents went their seperate ways, it did a world of good for everyone, the kids and themselves, she said that's when her parents became friends and actually treated each other better". I am not suggesting to you to walk away from your marriage, I don't have that right to do so and I wouldn't anyway. I just want you to consider the fact "that you are worthy of true happiness"... Try getting her undivided attention, just the two of you, and talk it out. It can't hurt to try but if for some reason that it doesn't work where you can come to a civil agreement, then you will have no other choice but to make those decisions. You are worthy to receive love!!!! I'll be praying for you, and stop beating yourself up about the past!!! love godiva61
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bluescene says:Posted: 23 May 09
If that is what "growing up" sounds like, I'm gonna run! ouch, that hurts. You don't have to feel sorry. Maybe this person is trying to reach out for human warmth and understanding. We haven't all gotten the tools to to it "right". Have you? Love is but a song we sing The following Chet Powers lyrics are for all of us; "Fear's the way we die You can make the mountains ring Or make the Angels cry Though the bird is on the wing You may not know why Come on people now, smile on each other Everybody get together Try to love one another, right now Some may come, and some may go You will surely pass When the one that left us here Returns for us at last We are but a moment's sunlight Fading in the grass Come on people now, smile on each other Everybody get together Try to love one another, right now Come on people now, smile on each other Everybody get together Try to love one another, right now If you hear the song we sing You will understand You hold the key to love and fear All in your trembling hand Just one key unlocks them both It's there at your command Come on people now, smile on each other Everybody get together Try to love one another, right now Come on people now, smile on each other Everybody get together Try to love one another, right now Try to love one another right now Try to love one another right now Try to love one another right now " http://www.veoh.com/browse/videos/category/music/watch/v1151055D4fkCBBJ
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mtnhugger2 says:Posted: 22 May 09
I DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR YOU. I AM 72 AND WITH ABOUT 700 MILLION WOMEN AROUND THE WORLD MY SENTIMENTS ON YOUR PROBLEM. SYMPATHY IS IN MY DICTIONARY BETWEEN SHIT AND SYPHILIS. TRY GROWING UP ITS A LOT OF FUN AND MAKES YOUR LIFE WORTH LIVING. MAYBE YOUR TRYING TO HARD FOR A RELATIONSHIP. LET IT GO AND SHE WILL FIND YOU AND WHO KNOWS IT MIGHT BE MIND BLOWING.
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GoodMan_4031 says:Posted: 22 May 09
Hello All. I could have personally wrote this posting. I married someone that I never was in love with. I was 23 when we met, new to San Diego, just starting my career, and had never had a serious relationship. She had a six year old daughter at the time and had recently come out of a divorce. While we were dating, I tried to break off the relationship because I knew I was not "that into her". However, she called me back and shared a deep emotional side of her relating to her work experience. So, I decided to take a different look at her and thought to myself that I could change the things I did not like. I could not have made a worse mistake. It is at this time that I started to compromise on the main things that I did not like - age, desire to have more children, looks, religion, and need for a man. And, before I knew it, the marriage train had left the station and I did not know how to stop it. Her daughter, family, and friends were all "so into me" and I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings. Also, my mother was going through a rough time dealing with loss of a child (my older brother) and her youngest brother. For some reason, I thought me getting marriage would bring her happiness, which I believe it did. The problem ... I was not happy. Now, my mother passed away two years ago. So, my decision is really starting to hit home with me very hard. Here's a breakdown on my compromises: 1. Age. My spouse is 12 years older than me. I was never comfortable with the age difference and always saw myself marrying someone my age or younger. The age difference has caused major problems in terms of career and retirement goals. We are on completely separate tracks. I am an achiever and my spouse is ready to retire early and travel. She will be doing it alone with her friends. 2. Children. My spouse did not want to have more children. I did and thought I could change her. The one child that we had together was a compromise. A big family was always a dream of mine. 3. Attraction. My spouse has battled weight issues all of her life. I am not a fanatic, but staying fit and healthy has always been important to me. I have always exercised regularly. I thought I could change my wife's attitude through fitness and saw us working together to stay fit. This became probably the biggest bone of contention in our marriage. Bottom line -- The physical spark was not there for me with my spouse. 4. Religion. My wife is Catholic and has a strong Catholic upbringing from her family (She even has an uncle who is priest). I am Protestant (Raised as a Baptist, currently Non-demominational). Going to Church as a family was what I saw as a child and was important to me. Whenever I go to Church, I have to go alone. This one has really hurt. 5. Need for a man. Looking back, I now see that my spouse really did not need me. She was searching for validation that she could be loved and looked at with affirmation in the eyes of her ex husband and family. To this day, I still have no idea why I chose to marry my wife. I am now 41 years old and time is slipping away. I regret that I never met a woman who really made me feel alive inside. Now, I am very depressed about the lost time and don't really know what to do. I spend a lot of time relying on my faith and work/career to get me through until our daughter is at least in college.
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Member says:Posted: 21 May 09
At one time in my life when me and my Ex wife was trying to reconcile so we can be together cause' of our daughter . But that did not help either .....i was feeling miserible and i didn't feel the same love like i had when i met her . I had no choice but to leave the relationship and be on my own. I am so happy now that i did and i won't ever get into a relationship with any woman that i don't feel the connections between us and the love that i am looking for. So i hope all ya'll women will do the same and find u a good man who is in love with u.
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phillymama says:Posted: 12 May 09
I have been there! It has been almost 12 years since I walked away from the marriage but it was well worth it. You can't be 'REAL' if you are lying to everyone around you. YOU deserve to be happy and to know what LOVE is. I didn't love my husband and I had three beautiful children and it was VERY difficult at first because you get COMFORTABLE with your life and it's routine. However, after you peel that band-aid off and after the initial shock and turmoil...Time is the greatest of all healers. Everything gets easier as time goes on! My ex-husband and I are good friends now and better parents for NOT being together.
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simpatico17 says:Posted: 10 May 09
This is a tough one, because there are children involved. I've come to feel that American society expects too much of spouses: they're supposed to be excellent co-parents and heart-throbs simultaneously. In other cultures, married people have affairs when their eyes start to wander, but all that sneaking around takes its toll. Here's a revolutionary option: why not come out with the truth, leave the marriage but keep the positive friendship with the husband so that the children don't suffer. Not easy but it can be accomplished if the two parties are honest and loving with each other for the sake of the children. Chances are however, someone's going to feel hurt and worse betrayed, because in a sense, she lied to not just the husband, but herself too. But without a doubt, it's not good to continue living the lie. The consequences will be worse. But to create a new life where the parents don't take it out on the children (as is so often the case) if not on each other -- will be difficult, but possible if both partners are mature enough. I like to say, "you can tell a person's character but the way they break up with you." Good luck to your friend.
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Lookin4myBOO says:Posted: 07 May 09i would NEVER stay in a marriaged or relationship that i don't even love my wife or a gf .....that's just morally wrong. ya' must have respect for yaself and self loved .....ya' are emotionally ABUSING yaself like that. GOD has giving us a brain .......so use it. and have some common sense and find ya' some1 that ya' do feel in LOVE with. Hugs and Kisses 2 all ya'll Ladies = ) x0x0x0 Don
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bluescene says:Posted: 06 May 09
Ah life. Please help us to be joyful and to continue to be kind to ourselves and others. We are all angels here doing the best we can with what we have. Love out y'all! xo
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sophiecica says:Posted: 06 May 09
Hi, I came from a different country, different culture, but marriage is marriage everywhere in the World. I hate when people complain about their marriage 2 their friends. Thats nobody`s business but theirs! They have 2 talk about their problem and solve them. Nobody else knows their relationship like them. This woman talked 2 her friend... This friend asked the whole world what 2 do!!!!! She sould talk 2 her (still) own husband and tell him how she feels. Thats his business! He must know about it. He might wanna save his marriage. Let him a chance. Lot of people think marriage is just a paper. I dont think so! Its lot more. I`ve never been married. I fell in love (twice in my life...) and what? Be In love and The love are two totally different things. Do U think our Grandparents were in love in Their entire life??? They love(d) each other, They respect(ed) each other, They deserve(d) each other! We should learn from older couples who celebrate their 25`s or 50`s anniversary! She doesnt deserve her husband...
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countrygirl4 says:Posted: 05 May 09Do we really take marriage so lightly??? WE just marry people cause we want to get married or we wanna be a mom! How crazy is that?? I married for love the first time! Could I make him stay in love with me no but I didn't stay because of my kids I stayed for 15 years because I loved him! I hate divorce it sucks no matter how you look at it! I don't care how old the kids are it affects them!! I am not from a family of divorced parents and if my parents were to get divorced even now I would be tripping! I don't think you should be unhappy life is to short but I think that people need to take more time and consideration when picking a mate! Marriage is supposed to be forever thats what God intended it to be! We as women watch way to many chick flicks that get us all up in arms about the perfect man that is gonna come and sweep us off our feet and we are gonna be Cinderella at the ball!! If you have someone who is a great father, husband and friend that is a rare find and i would think twice about calling it quits! I have been back dating about 5 years and I have met more dogs than I have nice men!!!
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tigertreats says:Posted: 02 May 09
When two people decide be together long term, one of two things is going to happen. . They either will either grow together or they will grow apart. Nothing can change that, no therapy, no love songs no amount of gifts no Dr. Phil ;-) If you don't love someone the way they need to be loved then for Gods sake let them go... so they can find someone who will...
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1wil4u2c says:Posted: 30 Apr 09This is really a no-brainer. If you started out pleasing everyone else than you'll never get out of doing that. Everyone involved will be affected and she'll still be regretting whatever she does,so if its not right, why lie. Imagine, having kids to please someone else now you gotta live with that. He'll be fine. Probably find someone that dserves the best. I know. Once lived that life, but after the truth it was like the morning after.
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Amber says:Posted: 30 Apr 09
I will put my two cents in here as I can so relate. I have recently divorced after being married for 22 years. I seperated from my husband for the first time, just three years after we were married but went back because of the 3 children. I could not justify leaving and seperating them from their father just because I didnt love him. He was a good father, good husband and dear friend. I just didnt love him "that" way. I loved and will always love him dearly, as a friend or family member, just not husband. I recently had a conversation with our youngest (17 years old) and she asked me why I stayed. I told her the truth, that it was because of them. But that was ok, because I chose to live that way. I wanted them to be happy and have a good life. She was so wise... she asked me how I know they would be better off. She has many friends with divorced parents and they were happy and well adjusted. I explained I didnt know, I just doing what I thought was right at the time. To this day, she is "daddy's little girl" Do I regret it now? I try to live with no regrets, I wish I could say no. However I cannot. Just do what your intuition tells you to do. If you do that, you can never go wrong. Best wishes on whater decidion is made.
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bluescene says:Posted: 27 Apr 09
Wow Photogirl, you get your heart out and open and find that passion and romance. You are gorgeous and seem to be beautiful inside as well, so keep loving you and doing what you love and I feel you will find your passion. Like I've learned, we have to HAVE to keep loving ourseles and having pasion for our own lives and things we lov eto create and do, EVEN....EVEN once we've found that speial partner. Women traditionally took on th eman's lives and lost themselves in the relationship-because it became ALL about him, his family...etc. I mean, G-d! We take his name and give ours up! Women get to vote now,OK? Women are still not treated equally. Mu very good (guy) friend told me that women are unequal because we allow it. Damn that made me mad...bu then I talked more about it with him and realized that yes, on a level we are accepting it by not shifting. It is up to us, females to take our lives into our own hands. I'm not male bashing either, because heck, the person at the top, i.e., in power is scared to death of losing his position and is not going to let go very easily. There is a scarcity mentality out there that says that we can't be equal or someone will miss out. If we start treating ourselves as if we deserve the best, then others will eventually catch on, right?! Right! (She steps off her podium with a grin).meme was so right on about the children feeling the vibe.So, get your life and they will get it too. They will forgive if you forgive yourself and others. They will live the type of life you live(d).My mother (MSRIP)always said, "Do as I say not as I do". Hah! You know, God love her, she really meant it, because she would say that she wasn't good at picking men, but she was successful at everything else. She was right about that! In Novemeber 2008, th eday before her birthday, she was killed by a car when she was fighting with her husband. She got out of her car upset, saying," You are just like my father! I don't know what I am doing with you...!" Someone who wasn't paying attention, hit her. She was a victim of domestic violence. This relationship killed her. I always told her that he would eventually kill her; either directly or indirectly. I was dead...right.Save your life if you are in an abusive situation. He verbally abused her. That day, he says that he was insulting her driving, which triggered her to pull over. BTW, she HAD to drive him to his meeting (AA) because he wasn't allowed. He lives. I lost my mom.The kids suffer. DV only gets worse. It NEVER improves. The codependent suffers and never gets support or help or has people congratulating them for sobriety after their partner(s), family members, friends get sober. They are always lonely and lose themselves. There are no happy ending...UNLESS you wake up and TAKE you life into your won hands. I am passionate about this and people getting their lives back. Do it. Be truthful to yourself first always. I am on that journey as well. I hope you take this in a loving way. That is how I mean it. Love out!
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LilSnowWhite says:Posted: 27 Apr 09
Hi Photogirl - I was in the same situation, but worse because I denied who I was in order to make him happy... there was no passion, almost no sex for 10 years, a great deal of rejection and pain that I had to deal with and overcome to break out of the malaise of my marriage.... it was all about the business, his business. I can look in the mirror and say to myself now that I am worthy of love, passion, communicatin, compatability.. I would rather be alone than be lonely in a marriage. I also don't want to teach my 10 year old son and 7 year old daughter that it is okay to treat a wife that way and okay to accept treatment like this. It is a moral dilemma as I don't want to cause any anguish for my children, but I believe with love and nurturing that they will eventually understand.
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meme says:Posted: 26 Apr 09
hi,i was in a marriage like that.he wanted out,but i was trying everything i could to be a great wife.he was military,and i had been but got out,so i was a full time wife.i was also much older,i still believe that marriages can survive when one is much older,case being me.thank God we had no children,so he left and went to iraq,came back in a year and didnt even bring his things to our home.he wanted out,i can never say he didnt tell me but i just wouldnt listen,we are now divorced,so i can tell you as i am a little older,i think,be very honest with him,because these children can feel your vibe,even if you never say anything to them.you just have to be honest and communitate.i wish you all the best..peace and blessings to you and yours
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photogirl129 says:Posted: 26 Apr 09It's very interesting that upon me joining this new site...this was the first article that caught my eye. I have just walked away from a marriage of almost 15 years with someone I'd been friends with for more than two decades. While I've always loved him...I never felt the very unpredictable and whimsical emotions which are common when one is in love (with him). Our marriage served as companionship and ran very much like a corporation - meaning that there were never any passionate fights followed by great make up sex or anything suggesting that if I walked away he would be someone I couldn't live without. People marry for various reasons. I married because I wanted to be a mom and didn't want to bring a child into the world without both parties to support and nurture it. While I never regret that decision, I do realize that I've cheated myself...because there's no greater sensation nor more complex feeling in the world than being in love with someone. I pray that I'm blessed to marry again, but will only consider it for love this time around.
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Traveldiva says:Posted: 25 Apr 09
Hi, I have a solution: I'm looking for a good man with the qualities that your friend's husband has. Give him my email address and I'll be more than happy to take him off of her hands so that she is free to find the love and passion that she is so desperately missing in her life :-) I'll be a great stepmother to the kids as well. Remember: one woman's trash is another woman's treasure :-))
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bluescene says:Posted: 23 Apr 09
Children will learn the most by experiencing HOW conflicts and disagreements/problems are handled by you and your spouse. If you deal with your issues in responsible, healthy ways, they will learn how to do the same. Mistakes are human.They need to see how to work with mistakes in life. What you think you are keeping under wraps from them is what is screaming loudly at all who are near. They feel you more than you yourself do at times. My sis and her partner divornced when their son was 1 year old. They are great parents who work hard (very challenging at times) to treat one another with respect. They fight, have disagreements but are careful to explain to their son(8 years now)that they are just "frustrated, angry...etc", but it's just human feelings and all is ok.They go to the school functions together,with new partners, sometimes separately when one can't. Their son is a well adjusted, joyful child who knows he is loved.I think (just my inexperienced opinion) that when there is a divorce or separation that the child gets to stay in their same house with no shifting between places and that the parents have to lug their stuff and friends/partners to the kids' house instead of the kids being uprooted each week, month, summer. In other words, the kids don't get physically unsettled but the parents are inconvenienced.This isn't a parent punishment, just a way to preserve as much of the kids' life as possible during and after the marriage shift.By the way, I think it's great and caring how everyone gives their time and heart here to help another human being in pain. That is cool. It makes me proud of humankind. I hope the writer's "friend" ;) gets some encouragement here and definitely from some good counseling.Good for you for getting honest with yourself and reaching out.It's not an easy road but the result wil be worth it for all concerned/involved. Again, focus on your gifts; i.e., what you dream of (not a love-partner) what you've always thought of creating, being in life. If you don't know, now is the time. Most of us think that another person will "do it" for us. Well, at first it may be exciting and new and may feel like we are new. But sooner or later, if you are escaping yourself/your truth by attaching to another being, the truth will again and again reveal itself. You will continue to experience disappointment that this person didn't give you what you needed or failed to provide you with what you envisioned. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you love that person. If the answer is "no". Ask her/him whatwho you can be to love her/him. That, my friend is your answer. That is what will get you to understand who you are, what your life's purpose is and get your booty goin out there (before leaving a person to find others) to be the amazing spirit or soul that you are meant to be. Once you know this (and it's an ongoing journey) all of your other questions will fall into place and you won't feel a need to ask others. You will know with no doubt who you are and where you should be. Also, you will be very clear about with who you should be sharing your life. Knowing thyself is the greatest gift to give/pass on to your children. They will do what you do and how you do it-life. Then again, what do I know! I just care and am speaking from a little bit of experience. You go! Confidence!
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Austrian says:Posted: 23 Apr 09
She can not be blamed for being in this situation. People meet and start their relationship, because they mostly have a need for the same things at that very time People are constantly growing (hopefully) and thereby changing - which means - what gave satisfaction in the past, must not apply in the present and future. Since there are tremendous differences between women and men, they do not develop at the same pace or into the same direction. This is why young lovers feel their relationship will last forever - being so fantastic - but this is not reality. Her wonderful husband and good father may have the same desire for exciting, erotic hours, and perhaps he is already experiencing those with another woman!!! Most men would not have a problem by doing so. This does not make them a bad father, and perhaps his wife may get more flowers and jewelry, because he feels more relaxed and satisfied. That makes him an even better husband!!! This is terrible but not uncommon. That's why I said: ABSOLUTE DISCRETION By the way, where are your comments - YOU WONDERFUL HUSBANDS? So far only women made their statements. The children will, of course, be hurt the most, in case of a split marriage. But here it depends greatly on their age and upbringing. If they have open minded parents, they may already know of the differences and difficulties between parents - even in a so called 'good marriage'. They are smarter than most parents think and sense very well what is going on within their 4 walls. My children (male and female) were teenagers when we broke up and claim, that they fully understood that it was better for both of us. But this is not the common case. Surely, children who come from an 'in tact' family, their parents having worked out their problems, bring along the equipment for their own long lasting relationships. This has been proven.
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Barbeeee says:Posted: 23 Apr 09
She should stop trying to have her cake and eat it too. It was selfish to lead this man on in the first place nd to bring kids into the equation. I can understand the pressures that people put on women to marry and to keep a good man but it's your life at the end of the day. She's not a kid!! There's no excuse for her behavior!! She should try to go to counseling and if that doesn't work, let him be free to meet a woman who will appreciate his love. I hope that this experience will not make him shun the real love of a deserving woman.
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Cibal09 says:Posted: 23 Apr 09One of my favorite songs is the Pina Colada song (this isn't its official name). The theme in the song is a lover/husband who is bored with his relationship and responds to an ad only to find out the ad was placed by his mate and it turned out ther were looking for the same thing. WorldCitizen is absolutely right in her analysis of this situation. If this woman has such a great relationship, I would suggest she do the same - analyze the pros and the cons. Feelings are fleeting and inconsistent. Matter of fact, my son is going through something similar. I told him to take a few more months and think it through because what he has is VERY hard to find. Sure, he (or your friend) can find plenty of people to fool around with, but most of us are looking for something similar to what she has, knowing that there are going to be many days when you don't even want to sit in the same room with him/her. I think she should try to stick it out.
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acebenice says:Posted: 22 Apr 09
i totally agree with world citizen. my only concern is getting emotionally involved with this lover or if her husband does the same and the family falls apart. in 1992, at that time, me and my spouse agreed to seperate and find what we were looking for in someone else. it was an agreement between two adults. we stayed seperated for three years. when reconciled, there was more baggage than before we seperated. as of this date, we are divorcing as friends and this is the hardest thing for me because they were my first, my friend, in that order and maybe that was the problem all along. we never got along. there is more, but who cares at this part. so be careful with the lover, you will never be the same once another man touches your soul.
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meisha81 says:Posted: 22 Apr 09
Also, it's not good for her children if they see that she's mentality withdrawn, so she definitely needs to fix it and fast!
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meisha81 says:Posted: 22 Apr 09
Communication is definitely key for relationships to function. I feel sometimes it can be difficult to express our feelings towards someone withone thinking that you maybe hurting someone in the process, but I feel that it's best to know than to go around pretending that everything is fine and to now that's not the actual case. To carry a revelation like that for years must have felt like a 800 lb gorilla on your back; I know my hair would have definitely been snow white with all the gray and stress. If it were me, I would have had to said something to my husband because after a while of trying to hold things in to please others would have drove me crazy. It's not fair to have people thinking that things are good in their mind, but in fact, you couldn't be more miserable. To suggest that the woman leaves her husband to see if there is someone better suited for her, who honestly knows? The grass may or may not be greener on the other side. There are a lot of scenarios that can be factored in. I do think that she needs to express her feelings to her husband and see if there can be something done to possibly salvage the relationship. Try telling him the things that she's needing whether it be more passion/fire, spontaneity, etc. Only she knows what she feels is lacking. Try to fix the problems in the marriage first. If there is nothing left that can be done to resolve the feelings, then maybe she should go for another option.
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zanco says:Posted: 22 Apr 09
I think she should tell him.Maybe both him and the kids will need to get help to through that difficult time but he deserves to know the truth.The truth hurts sometimes but it is certainlt not a sin.She would feel better after a while knowing that she does not have to carry that load on her back anymore.GO.
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Austrian says:Posted: 22 Apr 09
Your friend stands an extremely small chance to find an exciting lover, topped by all the qualities her husband has. I am afraid she is brain washed by society and other women, who claim that they are at an all time 'high' in their relationship. Infatuation can be mind blowing and may turn into a disease for those, who experience attraction turning into obsession. The state in which the other person occupies your mind and you can't wait to be 'one' lasts generally up to 6 months and with very few couples the strong desire may be felt over years. But it is so seldom, that it is unrealistic to aim for it. This great phase, which makes people do crazy things, is mistakenly referred to as love. If it is love at all, it is just one form of love. There is a much more substantial love, which takes time, as it is built on trust, reliability and joint experience - which must be earned (she seems to own this love). This true love may follow the initial crazy phase of infatuation, mostly it does not, however, this is why so many women and men are disappointed when their relationship is ending. Their most inner desires where not fulfilled. We sometimes hear of couples, who were friends or colleges and fell in love. Many of those relationships have worked out very well, the infatuation came secondly. Nevertheless, your friend should only stay with her wonderful husband, if she does not mind him touching her, if she feels comfortable with his natural scent, as this is CHEMISTRY which you can not betray. She must let him know, what she is longing for in their relationship. Perhaps he has the same desire, and both are afraid of communicating about this important erotic issue. There is much they can do to get some pep into their relationship. if this fails, your friend may consider - very carefully!!! - to look for a discrete erotic lover, and keep this secret to herself - her life long. Absolutely no chat on this subject with a 'best girl friend' or any other person. Not getting anyone involved, telling her mate, she is with a girl friend, etc. It should be worth while to find a decent solution, if she really needs this affair. I feel this would not be cheating, as she would receive something, her husband is unable to give. If she is afraid to burden herself morally, she might as well not take this chance.
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bluescene says:Posted: 22 Apr 09
Start listening to your heart and follow it. Many people do what you are doing and are haunted by their truth. Maybe it all ends up friendship as we grow older but you sound like you are suffering. get help with finding out WHO you are. Star focusing on yourself, before you leave the relationship. This will enable you to be sure of who you are, what you are capable of and the relationship will follow suit. Don't be stagnant in the comfort of misery. Start going for your dreams and you will be amazed at who you find in yourself. Like I said, the other part will naturally work out. Fall inlove with YOU first then you will be very sure about love with others-there will be no more 2nd guessing. That is what I am doing in my current journey. Because when it comes down to it, at the end of the day/your lif eit is all about you and being true to your self and your dreams in life. CONFIDENCE will come when you create yourself as you wish and then nothing will be doubtful anymore. This isn't about your partner at all. It is all about YOU. Go for it. Go for YOU and it will all work out. Keep doing it because you will easily forget and fall back into your old, stagnant identity. Get help to get confidence (therapist, life coach, meetings, be around those who are strong and confident. Don't listen to those near you who don't want you to change. They are scared too and will do anything to keep you in their closed safe world. If you do what you truly love, it will make those around you have to evaluate their lives. Enjoy your new journey into YOU. Don't give up and your world will be amazing. Be ready for major change. BTW, your kids know you are unhappy and they will remember that and live as you did unless you start knowing yourself and get honest and joyful. remember too that change is uncomfortable but it is worth it.
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LilSnowWhite says:Posted: 22 Apr 09
Be alone or be in a relationship and feel lonely... Either sacrifice who you are and stay in a loveless sexless marriage, or be real to yourself and follow your heart, even if it means divorce and being alone. The children in this situation, in any divorce, will be upset and traumatized. But the degree that the children will suffer is directly related to how well the two parents can be friends with each other and aware and conscientious with the children. If the husband and wife are such good friends and good people, they should be able to help the children get through the divorce without too much difficulty
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Dear Starx You selfish bitch! Why don't you just leave! You are more concerned about keeping your lifestyle then walking away and standing on your own two feet. If I was him I would curse you out bitch! There is only one way the result could be. Somebody is going to be hurt! You selfish stupid bitch just leave and stop wasting his time. Have a nice day