About Dating

Beer Goggles Last Longer For Men Than For Women

Unusual findings from a Brazillian research study confirmed what many of us already know: alcohol affects how attractive we view members of the opposite sex, and more alcohol we injest, the more attractive we find other people. But this phenomena seems to effect men more, and longer.

The researchers used facial symmetry to determine how attractive the men found their female partners, and easily determined that more alcohol equaled less ability to determine symmetry. This would explain why men will sometimes pick up women they normally wouldn't find attractive when drinking with friends in a bar.

But another study undertaken also in 2008 found that the beer goggle effect wore off with female drinkers by the morning after, whereas men were still seeing their partners from the night before - and any person of the opposite sex - in a more favorable light.

_{Source: Svoboda, Elizabeth. 2009. "Her Body on Booze."Men's Health (10544836)24, no. 4: 104-106. Consumer Health Complete.}

Beer Goggles Last Longer For Men Than For Womenoriginally appeared on About.com Datingon Friday, May 25th, 2012 at 02:51:11.

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How Monogamous Are You?

Just how monogamous are we, really? The results of my very non-scientific poll surprise me already, as they aren't as high as some recent studies have shown. The poll hosted below shows much a much higher incidence of cheating than the studies quoted in, "Lust in Translation,"a book that discusses how infidelity differs both in definition and deed around the world.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on cheating, monogamy, and dating relationships while I muddle through the statistics on my own, to provide some real science you can use in your day-to-day search for love. Feel free to add your own views to the mix below, or just add your vote.

How Monogamous Are You?originally appeared on About.com Datingon Wednesday, May 23rd, 2012 at 00:00:34.

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Do You Believe in Love at First Sight?

There haven't been a lot of studies performed about the love at first sight phenomena, but countless books have been written on the subject, and I oftentimes feel surrounded by couples who feel their unions were decided upon exceptionally early into their relationships. eHarmonycommercials tout married folks who openly state they "just knew"when they met that they'd get married, Arielle Ford's The Soulmate Secret pretty much relies on the concept to sell its premise, and one of my siblings recently celebrated her eighth year anniversary with the man she married three months after their first date.

As for me? I'd like to think that love at first sight is possible. There is an innate romanticism attached to the thought of meeting someone and having them hitting enough emotional triggers immediately to just know. Now, Have I ever had it happen? Not the love bit, but I've met three folks over a span of twenty years where I just knewthey'd be a huge part of my evolution as a person; I just wasn't sure how initially. One became a great friend, another a very emotionally charged but short lived relationship (although we still stay in touch), and one recent, and still playing out. Not one have told I love them, although admittedly love all three very much. And thus, in my head, no love at first sight for me. A strong hunch, and a driving need to get to know someone better? Definitely.

But what about you? Do you believe in love at first sight? Why or why not?

Do You Believe in Love at First Sight?originally appeared on About.com Datingon Tuesday, May 22nd, 2012 at 12:32:15.

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How Do I Get Him To Talk To Me?

Rachel asks: "I can't get a hot guy to talk to me, no matter what I do. They only want to talk to the really gorgeous girls, which I'm not. I'm not ugly though, and I think I'm a pretty cool person with a lot to offer. What do I have to do to get a cute, great guy interested in me?"

Ah, Rachel. I think most young women (and men, for that matter) ask a similar question at some point in their in their youth. Actually, that's not true: I think we all wonder at times why, for whatever reason, some people are more attracted to other people than they are us. I've spoken to women in every age bracket with some variation of this question, so I don't think you're alone in your quest or frustration, nor do I think it an unusual one. If anything, it takes courage to ask something so raw, and for that I applaud you.

To the meat of your question however, there are two answers I can give you:

If someone doesn't think you're amazing, it's time to focus on the people who think you are; and
Physical attraction is only one aspect of a romantic relationship, and although very important, not the only factor you need to look at when "trying to get a guy to talk to you".

Let me clarify a bit, starting with the first point. For those of us who aren't stunningly beautiful, who don't stop cars on the street or who don't sport movie-star looks when we roll out of bed, we have to do more than just look good to attract someone. In my opinion, that's a good thing. I'd much rather that someone found me hot because of the way my mind works, how I raise my children, or a twinkle in my eye than my physicality. We look different as we age, and our bodies will likely not remain the same either, so if someone finds me interesting or "hot", I hope it's because of who I am as a person and something that probably won't change much. In turn, I look for these same qualities in anyone I've dated, because they have to sport more than just a great body or a pretty face for me to find them attractive.

I realize I'm not in the majority with this mindset, and have been told many, many times throughout the years by friends and coaching clients that it's unreasonable to think physicality doesn't matter when it comes to meeting someone. See, I agree, but want to put it out there that there's more than just oh-my-gawd-he's-so-hot-I'm-going-to-puke-right-now-if-I-look-him-in-the-eye to a dating relationship. There has to be for it to have legs, and thus, why I urge you to focus more on people that (a) appreciate more than just your physical beauty, and (b) take on the same behavior yourself.

For those of you who feel I haven't answered Rachel's question, I'll give you one more tidbit that may or may not be helpful: there are few things more attractive than confidence. Work on any self-doubts you have, find your inner spark, cultivate a cheerful mindset, and make yourself happy, and men of all kinds will flock to you.

What do you think, dear readers? Is there some magic thing you can do to make a "hot"guy talk to you, or interested in pursuing something? Have you done it, and if so, how? Or, do you disagree with my advice entirely, and think we should all strive for something different?

How Do I Get Him To Talk To Me?originally appeared on About.com Datingon Friday, May 18th, 2012 at 03:57:15.

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How Much Does Mood Affect Your Attractiveness?

A single friend of mine is down in the dumps. He's miserable, angry, frustrated, you name it - and it shows. So when he asked me today why no one wanted to meet him off a dating site, I paused before answering.

Because in my opinion? Mood does affect one's attractiveness. Without question.

A number of years ago I did something I've since labeled my smiling experiment, where I spent an evening sharing my 100-watt smile to everyone I encountered on a busy weekend night. Prior to my very non-scientific test, I was in a similar head space as my friend. I couldn't attract someone for the life of me and it was really starting to get to me. So instead of moping about it, I went out and tried something new. I genuinely smiled. At everyone. Even though I really didn't feel like it, and even though (at the time) I felt horrible about myself. Within two hours my mood had changed dramatically - and with it, my attractiveness meter skyrocketed.

With that story in mind, I wanted to tell my friend that all he had to do was change his mood. Somehow, he had to start feeling better about himself before he'd be attractive again. "Try some Wii Boxing,"I suggested initially, thinking the endorphin rush would assist him in feeling betterwhile still remaining tactful. He did, and it helped, but he was still frustrated - so I decided to share my smiling experiment trick. "Go for a walk and smile at everyone you encounter. I don't care who they are or what they are doing, just give them a smile that would light up any room, and then continue on your way. Don't ask for anything, don't linger, just smile and keep on walking. Then call me when you get back."

My friend hasn't called me back yet, so I'm hoping that my tactic worked for him as well as its worked for me. But I'm curious: do you find that your mood affects your attractiveness? If so, what do you do to change it?

How Much Does Mood Affect Your Attractiveness?originally appeared on About.com Datingon Wednesday, May 16th, 2012 at 00:02:45.

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My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome Dating Question

Peach asks: "The other night my boyfriend started joking around about having a threesome with me. I laughed and told him sarcastically why not but I was joking too and I thought he knew that. Now he won't stop talking about it, asking me if I find this woman or that woman attractive and so forth. I have no idea how to tell him it's never gonna happen now. Help?"

Bonny's answer: You've run up against a definite difference between how men and women communicate. Without getting too stereotypical, let me say that when most men 'joke' about a threesome, they aren't joking. They're testing you to see if you're able, willing and/or interested.

This isn't to say that every guy wants a threesome with his girlfriend or partner. Some do, some don't. Some just like the idea that they might have one, or want to fantasize with their lover about the possibility. If he's truly joking around and has no intention of trying to make the idea a reality, only then would I say have some fun and play along. He knows that the majority of heterosexual women aren't into threesomes; he just wants you to support his fantasy.

Having said that, your guy has started to take further steps towards making the dream a reality. If you're truly not interested at all in sharing him sexually with another woman, then it's time for some firmness. There's no beating around the bush here. The next time he brings up anything threesome-related, let him know in no uncertain terms you're not interested. Pause, look him in the eye, maybe even touch his arm gently, and say, "I know you're really excited about the idea of a threesome, but nothing in this world could convince me it's something I want. I don't mind hearing about your fantasies or even getting a bit playful with them, but a threesome will never be anything but imaginary for me."Cater the words to suit your personality and situation, but make the message the same. He'll stop asking you or pushing for answers, even if he doesn't stop thinking about it.

What say you, dear readers? What would you say if you were Peaches? Have you been in this, or a similar situation? What did you do?

My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome Dating Questionoriginally appeared on About.com Datingon Tuesday, May 15th, 2012 at 00:08:40.

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Would You Tell Your Partner You Cheated?

An overheard conversation about a magazine article got me thinking the other day about cheating and betrayal in dating relationships. Specifically, an article that a friend of a friend read stated that one of the newest dating ruleswas that you didn't tell your partner if you'd cheated, as it would only add to the pain on both sides. Rather, the article suggested (as told to me second hand), if you were remorseful for your actions and knew you'd never do it again, there was no reason to share with your partner about the unfaithfulness.

Although I kind of, sort of, get what the article was getting at (why stir the pot if the issue has been resolved already?), why would any relationship 'expert' tell people that betraying their partner was acceptable behavior? Sure, coming forward might end the dating relationship, but it might also strengthen things after the initial shock. In fact, I know of several folks whose relationships were better off after having been cheated on, serving as a wake up call to all parties with regards to what wasn't working, and who gave them a means to make their bond even stronger and better than it was prior to the infidelity.

Which isn't to say I condone cheating, or that I feel cheating is a good thing for a relationship - I most definitely do not. But I know I'd much rather know if my partner had betrayed me than be left in the dark, so I could (at the very least) make an informed decision about my next step.

But what about you? Do you think that its ok not to tell your partner that you cheated, especially if you've learned from the experience and it will never happen again? Or, if your partner cheated on you, would you want them to tell you?

Would You Tell Your Partner You Cheated?originally appeared on About.com Datingon Monday, May 14th, 2012 at 00:42:51.

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Dating Question About Friends With Benefits

Nicky asked this dating question: "I recently told a coworker that I was attracted to him. He feels the same. We have had sex, which was great, and we plan on seeing each other when I return home from school. We have a ton in common, feel completely at ease with each other, we were friends before we were intimate. The problem is, he has a girlfriend who he lives with and has been dating for two years. I was fine with being friends with benefits but we talk every day and can't wait to see each other. Should I stay in this and see if he leaves his girlfriend, or am I asking to get my heart broken?"

In a word, yes, you are asking to get your heart broken - especially if you believe that the "problem"is his girlfriend, and not the fact that you are sleeping with a man who is supposedly in a committed, live-in relationship. I realize these next words are so often mentioned that they seem trite and not very helpful, but they bear repeating: Someone who will be unfaithful withyou, will have no issue cheating onyou. So even if the gent does leave his girlfriend for you, you've got a huge uphill battle ahead. Few relationships (if any) can thrive with this kind of background.

You say you have no issue with the friends with benefitsrelationship, which isn't a problem if that's all you are looking for. But asking if your heart might be broken with this arrangement tells me another story: that you want more, but aren't quite ready to admit it, even to yourself.

My advice? The talking every day needs to stop, as does the friends with benefits arrangement. Being coworkers may make this a bit more challenging, but nevertheless it needs to occur. Sever all interaction. If he asks why and you feel the need to give a reason, let him know you feel you've made a mistake and need some space. Don't answer his calls, emails or any other methods of communication. If he's The One for you, he'll understand that he needs to break things off with his girlfriend, move out, and spend some time alone before trying to even be friends with you again, let alone attempt a sexual or romantic relationship. And if it was only friends with benefits for him, then you've lost nothing other than a casual sex partner, which isn't hard to find with someone who is available/single if that's all you were after in the first place. As for your friendship with the gent, it may survive the situation if what the two of you shared was strong to begin with before you became intimate, but do yourself a favor and steer clear of him for at least a couple of months.

What do you think, dear readers? Do you have any advice for Nicky?

Dating Question About Friends With Benefitsoriginally appeared on About.com Datingon Friday, May 11th, 2012 at 00:05:06.

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Do You Have One Who Got Away?

The movie the Ghosts of Girlfriends Pastgot me thinking - namely, about people I or my clients have dated but, for whatever reason, things didn't work out. I'll admit I have one person I consider to have 'gotten away', but it was also poor timing for the both of us. He's now a newly married man and sent me a quick note to say as much, but up until that point I occasionally had these what-if moments, wondering about what might have been if we were both in different places in our lives.

It seems I'm in the minority according to SpeedDate.com, who polled their users in 2011 about the one who got away, and whether or not they'd want to reconnect again. Although 65% of the respondents stated they did have someone who got away, only 29% would want to make contact again to see if they could date once more. Just over 5300 people responded to the poll.

But what about you? Do you have someone that got away? What happened? Would you make contact with them again? Why or why not?

Do You Have One Who Got Away?originally appeared on About.com Datingon Thursday, May 10th, 2012 at 13:06:04.

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Why Doesn't He Want To Be My Boyfriend?

Ruby wrote me the other day asking me why the guy she's been dating the past few months won't be her boyfriend. It's a difficult question for me to answer, because there are so many variables. Still, its a question that many women ask, although it usually comes across like this:

Why doesn't he love me?
Why won't he stop dating other women?
He's acting like we are in a relationship, but refuses to call me his girlfriend.
Every time I ask him about our relationship status, he avoids me or gets angry.
Why am I not good enough for him?

Seriously, those comments and questions are culled from recent dating adviceemails I've received. They all sound pretty heartbreaking - and needy. Perhaps those who have written in will see them, and be able to see just how those words come across in print.. because surely the guys they are dating know it, or at the very least feelit.

But for those who still don't understand why the dudes they're hanging out with don't want a relationship, maybe a poll will help. Why do you think men say they don't want to be in a relationship? Feel free to choose more than one answer, or add your own thoughts in the comments.

For those of you with whom a poll doesn't help (and believe me, I get it!) here's my answer to this tricky, sensitive reader question: ">Why Doesn't He Want To Be My Boyfriend?

Why Doesn't He Want To Be My Boyfriend?originally appeared on About.com Datingon Wednesday, May 9th, 2012 at 00:49:42.

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