Why Dogs Sleep Alone
Okay, guys. Do you want a woman’s point of view on netiquette? Do you want to know what we like, what we don’t, and what makes us write a guy off forever? Listen up, and I’ll tell you everything you need to know to grab a girl’s interest and keep it.
First off, what not to do. Writing “Got milk?” to a woman with big boobs will NEVER put you in the same room with those boobs. Seriously, with some of you guys I wonder if you’re even trying. Sending pictures of your own anatomy? The only woman—and I mean, the only one—who’s going to like that probably wants your junk in a jar to decorate her serial killer’s hideout. Be afraid if that works.
Seriously though, all that nasty business is wack in more ways than one. The definition of sexual assault is gratifying yourself with someone against their wishes. Well, just assume women don’t wish it, until you know otherwise. Then you can send pictures of yourself and a monkey if that’s what y’all are into. But wait for the green light, you feel me? Otherwise it’s like you’re some creepy child molester or something. And I know that’s not you, baby.
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Also, let’s say a woman turns you down. I know, I know—not a great feeling. Don’t blame you for getting your feelings hurt. But why you gotta call her a bitch, a ho, or something worse? Doesn’t that kind of prove she was right to give you the brush-off? Haven’t you ever said “no” to anything? When you don’t give every homeless guy money, does that make him right about whatever he mutters about you when you walk by? We all have the right to say yes or no when somebody asks us for something. How about this: you say yes to everyone who asks you for something—like Jim Carrey in that stupid movie—and then you can call a woman names for not wanting to sleep with you. Until then, let’s all reserve our right to say “thanks, but no thanks.”
And don’t feel bad about it when a woman shows no love. Just because this one’s not interested doesn’t mean you’re not a fine man and some other lady won’t be lucky to have you! You know what you have to offer and don’t forget it.
If you want to put good thoughts in her head, here’s what you want to do. Be a gentleman. Who do you think a woman is more likely to get cozy with, a gentleman, or a dog? We all know you want to get in her pants, and that’s nature—nothing wrong with it—but they call ‘em manners because they’re a way of acting. Your manner better be polite, respectful and flattering if you want nature to take its course. You got to court a woman, baby! Sweet-talk her. Takes some patience to get the honey. Buzz around that hive just as sweet as can be. If she’s not into it, find another hive. It’s the Internet, there’s more honey out there than you could handle in a hundred years.
Read her profile, pick up on what she’s into and talk about it. Make her feel special, like you took extra time to think about her before you emailed. She’ll appreciate that you didn’t send a form letter—or a horn-dog howl. If she likes your picture and thinks you have something in common, you’re one step closer to your goal. If you can make her laugh, you’re golden—but don’t be crass. Flattery will get you far, just don’t talk about her body south of her smile.
Ladies love a confident man, but don’t be pushy. Act like she’s lucky to have caught your interest and if she doesn’t want it, someone else will. Be cool. We love it when a man is mysterious. We actually love it when he’s got other girls on the hook, though it drives us crazy too. It’s like business, demand drives up the value. Don’t seem desperate, even if you are! Those guys who hit girls with all these come-ons just get ignored or even kicked off the site, if they’re too sleazy about it.
As things move on and you’re trading emails or IMs or whatever, be romantic not rude. Show an interest in her life, what she likes to do, where she grew up… Treat her like a person you want to get to know. Someone you might do anything for, one day. We want our men to protect us, cherish us, treat us right. You want to come off as somebody who can do that and do it well.
Flirty’s good, but let her set the pace. If she gets dirty, you get dirty. If she keeps it clean, you do the same. But remember your goal is to get her out on a date, so don’t get too frisky with those IMs and blow it.
You gotta have some class if you want that… Excuse me, I almost forgot my manners. ;) Let’s try this: be polite if you want to have fun tonight. Show your lust and all you get is disgust!
Good luck to all you gentlemen who know how to treat a lady!
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