Watch Out for these Red-Flag Conversation Starters

Posted by Jordan, 06 Sep 13

"Zorabelle,"  is an attractive, single, and living on the East Coast is looking for love. But she's running into a bit of a snag. She sometimes receives cheesy messages and pick-up lines bordering on creepy.

"I have YET to run into a woman of color who absolutely loves it when a white man stipulates that he's "really into dark women" OR "that he's looking for his *chocolate, nubian, cocoa, exotic* goddess. Man that shit is irksome. No one likes being made to feel like they're some kind of experiment or that they're taboo and I feel like dudes who use this terminology are absolutely clueless as to how tacky it comes across and why it's not cool. That whole chocolate and vanilla comparison... oy vey…"

Guys if you're cringing right now because...you know that you've done this before (or maybe you just did it) it's a good thing you clicked on this post. You might be cutting yourself out of the running with women like the lovely "Zorabelle" and not even know why. You might be puzzled why you're continuing to strike out with women that you express an interest in because of the language and phraseology you're using.

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

But let's be real, there are men on every dating site in existence who are just playing the numbers and trolling for a sex-ready partner, and ladies, you need to be able to sniff these guys out right away so you're not wasting your time. The objective is to find choices of quality, potential prospects so you can move on with your life, not wading through cretinous messages, wondering if these guys are "really that bad."

Ladies, here's a few rules to remember the next time one of these time-wasters reaches out to you:

Avoid Mr. One-Liner

Generally ignore any messages that don't reference anything on your profile. These notes are usually posted by "Mr. One-Liner," the guy who opens a conversation with a cheesy one-liner like, "How you doing?" or "Hello my Nubian princess!" or "Do you have more pictures? (usually a sly way of gauging whether or not you'll send him nudes) or the ever-maddening and simple, "Hey." Mr. One-Liner is a lazy ass, who is hoping that you'll do all the work to encourage interaction and conversation. And the reason why he's so lazy is because he's just not that interested in you in particular; he's just fishing and hoping he'll catch a bite with rotten bait.

For the Guys…

For the men who have caught themselves in this trap of cheesy one-liners but just don't know any better, now you do. Practice reading a woman's profile you're interested in and then give her a short note (100 words or so) referencing what you liked about her profile, if you though that any of her interests and ambitions mesh with yours, and for the love of all things holy DON'T reference her looks with terms like "brown sugar" or "chocolate bunny."

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of  The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.pickuppodcast.com. You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook or Twitter.

70 responses to "Watch Out for these Red-Flag Conversation Starters"

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  1.   Matiniz says:
    Posted: 3 days ago

    Hi am black guy single am looking for a white woman who is serious about relationship

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  2. Posted: 21 Nov

    interesting........

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  3.   Miniki says:
    Posted: 13 Oct

    I really really love you

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  4.   Ballooia says:
    Posted: 20 May

    Hi how are you friend please send yr mobile no whatsap NO

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  5.   Disco1 says:
    Posted: 18 Apr

    Cool nice feed back

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  6.   Dr.Love. says:
    Posted: 07 Apr

    I like the game of boxing but I don't have who can hold me up.I would like to be achampion one day.whoever there if possible,please help me to raise up my dream.

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  7.   Chrisdred says:
    Posted: 16 Mar

    But she won't sit down at your table And I know that you can't hold her hand She won't go home with you cowboy She's in love with a rodeo man Well he's hard and he's scarred and he's grayin'

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  8.   TheogHoop says:
    Posted: 16 Mar

    I believe all dating sites have the same problems ladies are frustrated with guys only looking for sex or not being serious about monogamy and guys are frustrated because we catch the heat from the mess the other guy has left before us. I agree with the one liner thing but i also disagree with the making comments about the profile because with some ladies no matter what you write them they still don't reply. Some ladies, especially these days, are interested in guys who are rich, thugs, or they look like they came out of a men's health magazine. I believe some ladies are living in a fantasy world not all guys are like the men on soap operas or movies and some say they want a nice guy who respects them but end choosing the opposite

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  9.   Wisepoet says:
    Posted: 06 Nov 15

    Okay I get this article but good lord woman not all men are experts when it comes to conversations. I'm not perfect, but will you find that out by me starting a conversation saying Hello or How are you doing ?? I get some guys can come off lazy but seriously be easy on him. If anything teach him by starting the conversation, most woman put up pretty photos and just sit and wait. You never know if he just absolutely has no game or a clever personality. So why put someone through a MCAT test to just simply say.... Hello

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  10.   jaggers1 says:
    Posted: 11 Oct 15

    Maybe I am wrong but I always like to ask how the person is doing then I talk about other stuff from their profile. Maybe this is why I can't get a reply. Lol. On another note for me personally I don't reference the person's skin color and if the women on here do not want to be addressed by the clolr of their skin then they too should not reference it in their name. I have read profiles with headlines like your chocolate queen, Hershey kiss and more. I already know what you are by reading your profile and looking at pictures. I know this may sound wrong to some and my apologies for that but it's a two way street. I see profile pics of women in lingerie but then say not looking for sex. The pic and words send mixed signals to men especially ones who don't read profiles. Correct me if I am wrong about this please.

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    • me-n-u-4ever says:
      Posted: 19 Nov

      I agree... Men are totally "visual".. I learned this from a woman.. She told me she expected men to "look" at her and the messages she sends with makeup, clothes, looks...etc. Non verbal communication.. Highly practiced on web sites. Robert

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  11.   Harvia says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 15

    You sure know how to eat chocolates how nice

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  12.   china_dahl says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 14

    Agreed that article is right on.I dont know how many inappropriate one liners I got.If you want a woman approach her like one.You cant call me baby and I dont even know your name or you know mines thats such a turn off.

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    • celony says:
      Posted: 19 Nov 14

      I agree. .. :-) guy like me . I'm truly wanted to falling in love with someone. . :-) so difficult ... When you truly honest .....

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  13.   MissTexas01 says:
    Posted: 30 Jul 14

    I am guilty of one liners. I have called a grown man Delicious. Lol I wasn't looking for cyber sex. He just looked like Hercules all scrumptious. The thing is even if I had not typed those thoughts I would have still thought them. I would rather someone tell me what he is thinking. He may not get the reaction he wants but at least he is not being deceitful with his intentions. I do have a problem with a guy telling me he loves chocolate. Mostly because I am honey brown. What does that mean to me. I'm not about to go tan, man. I have a caramel complexion that I like. It's like me telling a white guy I love chocolate. He would be just as confused as I am to the revelation. Wondering what that has to do with him. I'm latte brown, caramel, honey, cookie dough but unfortunately not chocolate. OK back to the one liner subject. I don't mind it. Some people are not social butterflies or pick up artists which is why they are single. I prefer a guy that doesn't know the right thing to say to get the girl. That is a benefit. Some men do not know how to spark conversation with women right off. Once you guys start to get to know each other conversation should then start to flow once a mutual interest has been discovered with some. Not all guys are not interested if they just say "hi". I look at online interactions the same way I would imagine live interaction. If a guy came up to you and said hi then smiled you wouldn't say he was not interested. You would smile and say hi back then start a conversation from there. So what is the difference.

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  14.   mibu says:
    Posted: 19 Jul 14

    For the most part of how it looks to me is there are a lot of women having 10 guys talking to them at a time.but there are more women on here than men when it comes to white male black female matches.so the guy unknowingly has to compete with multiple other guys just to keep one women's attention. So if the guy feels he should be loyal by just talking to one woman, then the woman after a few days becomes disinterested because she has so much attention from many guys. The guy unknowingly wasted his time and has to start over looking for someone else to talk with. That is very discouraging.

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    • nathan0861 says:
      Posted: 22 Aug 15

      Spot On. Women will play this game on men on this site like its just the way that it should be, even tho it isn't. Personally, I don't waste my time with females that do, bc they are showing in their actions/lack of that they are not honest ppl that value honest efforts. If a guy take the time to invest in paying a ridiculous fee for a membership to say hello to her, she should at least have enough decency to respond back (whether saying hello is a one liner or not). However, 90% don't... they take your efforts (no matter how small or large it is) for granted.

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      • Sunryze says:
        Posted: 24 Aug 15

        I'd actually disagree personally - if I message someone I would only want a genuine interest reply, and I think the most practical response if she isn't interested is for her just not to reply. 'Polite' replies/conversations is just empty timewasting to me, and neither party really benefits in the long run, unless they like collecting online friends.

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      • BelusEnlil50 says:
        Posted: 10 Oct 15

        And no matter how honest you are, if you're not rich or a thug, you're ignored. But the way I see it is rich men seek rich women and thugs are boys who allow women to struggle in life without any contributions, these thugs are boys to real men and the downfall of the women who LOVE them. One must never give up for among all these rotten apples is that one for you and me, it just takes time, be patient my friends!!!

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    • me-n-u-4ever says:
      Posted: 19 Nov

      I tend to disagree. MEN are MEN. Competition with other MEN is part of the chase. Being yourself is the primary way to catch a woman's attention. If she is drawn to YOU, no other man can take her away. If she chooses another, get over it and move on. Gamers are easy to spot.

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  15.   Sweet0909 says:
    Posted: 14 Jul 14

    I thought I was the only one getting the one line messages. I think it's a turn off period, worse one is the nasty messages like......"Hi sexy" really? I've received worse can't even mention here..What happened to respect, I'm just a simple South African black woman looking for my soulmate....

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    • Chrissy52 says:
      Posted: 16 Jul 14

      its frustrating yes, as the men will start out with a nice conversation and end up wanting cyber sex.

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      • keisha2 says:
        Posted: 24 Jul 14

        Tell me about it sister,same here and it doesn't matter the age.

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        • lohtuss says:
          Posted: 30 Nov 14

          Just been asked to make someone's wedding wand hard not even ten minutes into a conversation... didn't know whether to laugh or cry...i guess you will come across even bullfrogs in your quest to find a soulmate...mercy!

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          • me-n-u-4ever says:
            Posted: 19 Nov

            My dear ladies. Slimers are everywhere. When the internet calls, jerks arrive. Women do it too. But men are bigger offenders, I agree. So when a guy goes primal, hang up and report. It's bad for all the '"good" men to suffer from the mistakes of low life jack ass dudes.

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  16.   AngelusFury says:
    Posted: 01 Mar 14

    Notice how alot of these advice articles are relative to just men...do we suck that bad at this????....or is that these site really cater to women. I can promise you that percentage of subscriptions favor the men. Granted the on liners and lack of effort will reduce your chances of finding a compatible woman on here, but lets face it-its an uphill battle from the start for us. Don't get discouraged fellas. Keep at it. Recognize your self worth and what you bring to the table and go get em!

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    • Chrissy52 says:
      Posted: 16 Jul 14

      Angelusfury, what is happening is that men who really want a relationship are being sidelined by the jokers who come just looking to jerk off themselves, so that when genuine guys come we are wary and will run them off

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      • June32321 says:
        Posted: 02 Jan

        That is so painfully true, if you are sincere and genuine it seems to work against you, the guys that are not serious seem to be our faithful leaders and according to the women we all are the same, We are not the same jus as the women are not the same, but we will keep looking for love until we've found that right one, she is out there..

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  17.   .HoneyLove. says:
    Posted: 07 Feb 14

    The "One Liner" definitely doesn't get any attention. How am I supposed to work with "Hey" or "What's up"...really, after all the thought and effort I put into my profile, and that's ALL you have to say?? Women like a man who is engaging, who shows some kind of effort during the conversation, like he's actually interested in getting to know you. While I appreciate you loving my skin tone and ethnicity, realize that we are individuals behind that.

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    • MrHaveachat says:
      Posted: 22 Jul 14

      .honeylove, I am definitely a one line hater, nothing's worse than trying to initiate a conversation and only get them..omg it's like prying a tooth out just to get maybe their attention. I don't really care if I make contact and the woman is conversing with " many " , it's the depth of my integrity that I hope to gain her interest, but good luck in your search for your lucky man, I tend to believe there is more of us who like to write out here than the " one liners "

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  18.   Luso37 says:
    Posted: 31 Jan 14

    I disagree... If a woman likes ur profile she will reply. If u write too much (100 words) on the first reach out... It kills ur chances because u come off as desperate. That's what's worked for me. Just don't use cheesy lines using keywords referencing a race

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    • VO72 says:
      Posted: 12 Jul 14

      A very valid point but there are a lot of them that really don't like one-liner either. The trick is to gage HOW MUCH they write and WHAT they write on their profile. Yet writing a dissertation is dangerous because she could judge that as your talkativeness and project that on the first date.

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  19.   Faren71 says:
    Posted: 28 Jan 14

    It amazes me that people do stupid things like this, "chocolate bunny" sort of thing. Simply stated... treat the woman/man you are interested in like a PERSON. Their skin color is nothing they could control. So, why does it matter/why should you care? As for the advice to the men, thanks... but this should also apply to the women as well. I get spammed by creative introductions, like "Hi!" or "Hey, cutie!" I mean, seriously! I can't work with that! I usually respond with a polite question to open up a conversation, but usually get nothing but hardly ever get a response.

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  20. Posted: 27 Jan 14

    If I had a dollar for every time I've heard/read these "lines".....I could most definitely retire early! Here's another one...."You look like *insert name of current black female celebrity here*....when, in fact you look NOTHING like that woman at all....the only thing you've got in common is gender and race/ethnicity.

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  21.   Jazzy.jay says:
    Posted: 24 Jan 14

    Great article! Everyone on this site should read it & learn something.

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  22.   davy.g says:
    Posted: 24 Jan 14

    Uh oh. I have been guilty of some of these "cringe-worthy" chocolate references in the past when trying to be playful. Should have let my very presence on this site speak for itself. I wouldn't be here, and neither would the ladies unless there was heightened interest in dating inter-racially to find the best match. Now time for a little apologizing and a little bridge mending...:P

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  23.   Dawtsun says:
    Posted: 15 Jan 14

    Ehhhh, I disagree with this article, so what if a white woman writes me an email and says "Looking for my ... black prince" I interpret that to simply mean she's into or only dates black men. As far as the one liners go, how am I supposed to reference something specific in their profile when quite frankly ... its a one liner.

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  24.   Cariblovely says:
    Posted: 29 Dec 13

    So true I had to learn with time and knowledge most importantly experience, some not all will say anything to manipulate the situation and they might be simply a pathological liar

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  25.   Chandab2 says:
    Posted: 26 Dec 13

    My sentiments exactly! I hate and avoid introductions such as "Hey", "Hi", "Hi gorgeous", etc... I hate when people make stupid references like "Vanilla in search of caramel" or something idiotic like that.. On the flip side...When I send messages I do tend to reference something in the person's profile and/or say something with more substance than those one-liners, but I NEVER get a response? *scratches head* .Am I channeling the same type of behavior because the only messages I get are the one liner that I ignore like the plague? Food for thought....

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    • Engineer60 says:
      Posted: 06 Jul 14

      Chandab2, You hate one liners. iknow nothing about you eccept your photo. So here is a one-liner for you. I think you have a beautiful smile and face with lovely lines and features. A face I could look at every day.

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  26.   Javan094 says:
    Posted: 25 Dec 13

    People are individuals. What some like, others may not. If a white woman is attracted to me because of my skin tone, so what ? She's a woman whose attracted to me, what's not to like ? This all sounds too petti to me.

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    • June32321 says:
      Posted: 02 Jan

      I agree, physical attractiveness is everything to people in the beginning no matter how much they deny it, what else catches a persons attention at first glance.

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  27. Posted: 21 Dec 13

    Nice article! I really needed the pointers..

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  28.   jesselandau says:
    Posted: 10 Dec 13

    You wanna meet a super cool, gorgeous Black woman? Don't remind her of her color and her status. The world does that plenty already. And believe me, she doesn't dig it at all. I've dated several wonderful Black women. When the subject of race comes up, and it always does eventually, it's because she's come to feel safe with me over time and we can see past our skin tone. I NEVER bring the subject up first. NEVER. Have I ever told my queens, "I just love biting your beautiful brown skin, baby.", or "Ooh, you gonna give me some chocolate tonight?", or "Let me cook tonight, my beautiful dark-skinned lover."? Of course I have. She's not stupid. She knows I love her curves and her color, but those comments can wait far, far down the road.

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  29.   Hotpocket1 says:
    Posted: 07 Dec 13

    This article is so true. Try as I might not to be annoyed at being called a chocolate anything, I am. I guess because my friends and I just don't do that. I don't even want to imagine what type of looks I would get it I started calling my friends "Snowflake" or "White Christmas"(I just made that up).

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  30.   Austin87 says:
    Posted: 15 Nov 13

    Pet names like 'Chololate bunny' or 'Caramel cream might come when you get to know the person better (remember that guys). This isn't in defence of the cheesy one-liner but a few words in a message doesn't necessarily make him a bad person or a player. Maybe he's not very good with approaching women... Maybe that's why he's on this site in the first place. I'll say reply his message but appraoch with caution cuz you never know where you'll find happiness. ;)

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  31.   godhainder says:
    Posted: 30 Sep 13

    Women are far too trivial, especially considering the fact that men are usually the CONVERSATION STARTERS. Would love to see how women would react if men just stopped initiating conversations...

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    • Chocovan says:
      Posted: 08 Oct 13

      EXACTLY! First of all, this is an article written with the sole purpose of marketing his 'relationship coaching' services. One of the tactics marketers use in reaching their target audience is by selling oout a certain demographic and making them look bad. Here's a dose of reality - Some women may not have the Velveeta Guide to Great One Liners, but their intent is the same as the guys, they just do it differently. In my expereinces with women, I can't tell you how many times I have read a woman's profile with all the guards and walls up, engaged in conversation with them, got their phone numbers and talked, went on one date and then the "freak" comes out of them, all of this usually within the first week or two. Of course, now that I have put this out there, women will vehemently deny they do this and I fully expect those responses..."A real woman of class..blah,blah.blah..." Whatever. All I know is that it's a job having to get past a woman's list of demands, excuse me, her description, then go to the interrogation and interview...I mean a date...and try to prove that I am different from the last three bad relationships you've been in. Because most of you know that you bring all of that on the dates with you and most men don't stand a chance. And think about this - if men are still using cheesy one liners, it must mean that they still work.

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      • T.d.h.502 says:
        Posted: 03 Jan 14

        this...this right here is truth in script!

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      • summer-luv93 says:
        Posted: 01 Aug 15

        You're complaining about having to put in a little bit of work? (Because reading a profile and talking for 1week isn't much at all) Imagine if she really made you earn it... But I agree the future shouldn't have to pay for the mistakes of the past.

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  32.   Senjiro says:
    Posted: 23 Sep 13

    Hi, I'm new to the site here, and I'm genuinely looking for that someone, and have been for quite a while, but in light of reading this very helpful article, I'm wondering how many mistakes I may have let sneak into the compilation of my profile, and I have no doubt that there are a few, but I'd really like someone's personal advice on what they could possibly be. I know that I'm not a very good photo-taker lol, but I think a picture is only have of the issue, so if anyone here on the site has pointers, I'd be greatly appreciated if you could possibly open my eyes to the mistakes in grammar or introduction, whatever they may be so that I might rectify them asap. Thank you very much, and have a great day!

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    • Carol46 says:
      Posted: 31 Jan 14

      Hi Senjiro- I didn't see anything wrong with your profile. You were very open and honest about what you're looking for. And your pictures are really nice. Too bad I don't fit your age range :). I wish you the best in finding your souldmate.

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  33.   tom47283 says:
    Posted: 17 Sep 13

    I don't see anything wrong with one liners because if she reads and sees your profile and isn't interested then you haven't wasted a whole lot of time by sending something short and sweet. I have realized that there are time wasters out there.

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    • mathartist13 says:
      Posted: 24 Jan 14

      If the material is flammable you only need a match to get the fire started. It is just that some women need a damn blow torch.

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  34. Posted: 13 Sep 13

    This is a great article. I've encountered one-liners and someone with cheesy pick up lines on this site. I didn't waste my time-gave em a quick, "Good luck with your search" and kept it moving.

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  35.   MaximusG426 says:
    Posted: 12 Sep 13

    Okay I've been on 3 to 4 different dating sites for the last three months I read every single word of every single profile of every single woman that I've ever lick that on a dating profile I always send her an small note of at least 100 words a self referencing everything in our profile trying to get a general conversation start coming up with different kinds of ways to make the note sound like an actual grow conversation you know something I did to say it in a way that If we were meeting in person and after a combination of about 3 to 400 emails that I sent these past months I'd like to tell you that he is the stat this shit doesn't work that they stay in this article I've never used any cheap one-liners out of hundreds of emails that I sent in trust me I can prove it it is hundreds I've only received back may be Two responses from women that genuinely wanted to talk to me to find out more about me and liked what I said it of those two one of them quit talking to me because of the simple typo that I accidentally wrote in the email tell her referencing something about what she had told me and it scared her off so bad even though I told her I swear to God it was a typo she never talk to me again so the stuff in this article It doesn't work you can waste all your time doing everything that they tell you fellas but the bottom line is is being a one-liner guy or lazy ass only makes it worse is not going to get any better just as you read your profile to give them thought engaging provoking all kinds of stuff trust me it doesn't work I'm up the five dating websites now and I still can't find what I'm looking for it it's really said because I'm really a good guy.

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    • imiri says:
      Posted: 13 Sep 13

      MAYBE WHEN THEY LOOK AT YOUR PROFILE AND SEE YOU ARE STILL A MARRIED MAN, THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE BEEN IGNORED AND OVERLOOKED, YOU ARE ALSO A SMOKER...A WOMAN OF CLASS AND CULTURE WILL NOT DATE A MARRIED MAN AND DON'T LIKE SMOKERS....I READ YOUR PROFILE AND WAS A TURN OFF.. YOU GOT TOO MUCH BAGGAGE

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      • cocoasweet13 says:
        Posted: 13 Sep 13

        Right he seems all over the place and it appears that he just wants someone to play around with. He's not even available-he's still married! No one wants to jump into that, well no one in their right mind.

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      • godhainder says:
        Posted: 30 Sep 13

        Damn. I can't even back him up on this one! I had to give you a thumbs up.

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    • R.Rabbit57 says:
      Posted: 21 Sep 13

      A little punctuation wouldn't hurt, either.

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    • DJD2013 says:
      Posted: 06 Oct 13

      @MaximusG426- If you still can't find what you're looking for, take a step, find one of your dearest, most trusted and painfully honest friends and let them have a go at telling you what they might believe it to be. WE ALL at some point make changes to improve ourselves and our lives. We have to in order to move forward and do better. Yes, you stated in your profile that you were still married, two kids and she's ill. You will have a hard time willing to accept that.

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    • rray3681 says:
      Posted: 07 Jul 14

      Me to maximus I have been on zoosk got good responses went to match payed for 6 months and I sent a ton of flurts messages all that the worst luck I have ever had then came eharmoney I payed for 6 mounths all the matches didn't have pictures and all the one's that I was found to be compatible hadn't been on site for days to weeks to mounths I saw this site and had to try but just lookey loos hope this site is worth it I saw a woman on here and she just got my heart and soul touched but I'll probley never here from her or my skin won't be dark enough or I'll just get skipped like usual and talking to woman Isint hard find something to talk about in common

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  36.   Unalee50 says:
    Posted: 09 Sep 13

    Thanks! All I have been gettiing is cheesey one liners. This site is full of them.

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  37.   Agirlygirl says:
    Posted: 06 Sep 13

    Excellent article.....thx for putting it out there. If bored, I usually play with "those" types then suddenly tell them I enjoyed the entertainment, but that we are not on this site for the same reason......click.

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    • awat70 says:
      Posted: 06 Jan 14

      Playing with a person on this site, that goes on a lot. The cheese one liners. I Introduce myself, ask for their name and would like to learn more about them. I mention things in their profile. Does it work? Once in awhile, but not very often. One woman said its because of my pictures. They are not the best, but you make do with what you have. One woman said she would not like me because the age limit I put down. So you have people saying your pictures are not good and age. Are they the picture and age police?. If you do not like a persons pictures or age range and you have no intent of talking to the person, don't say anything just move on to someone else. One thing I do not like is, I can move for the right woman and would. The women I have met on this site do not believe it and then throw it in your face and act like it is a bad thing to move. You read there profile and it says thay are willing to relocate. Strange, if they will not believe me, than why do they put that they will relocate in their profiles. There are a lot of scammers here also. Do not get me wrong, this is a good site, but you have to learn the ropes and maybe you will find the right person. I have talked to some woman on this site and they have found their matches and move on with the relationship.

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