Trouser Trout: Gail Rubin Interview

Posted by Leticia, 22 Apr 06

Author of "A Girl's Pocket Guide to Trouser Trout.", Gail Rubin is a public relations professional and she is an angling expert. She'sll teach you how to get the trouser trout you are looking for!

Dr. Wright:
This is Dr. Letitia Wright for IDC Dating.com. IDC Dating is where we are creating multicultural relationships everyday. Today, I am talking with Gail Rubin. She is the author of "A Girl's Pocket Guide to Trouser Trout." Let me tell you a little bit about Gail. She is a public relations professional and she is an angling expert. Now, she knows all about getting the blow fish, the crab, and the urchins but she can also tell us gals, how to get that trouser trout. She has married her trophy trout and is very happily married since December of 2000 and she likes to dish out advice as well as she is into yoga and Pilates. So, welcome to the IDC Dating podcast, Gail.

Gail Rubin:
Thanks. Glad to be here.

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

Dr. Wright:
Tell us about the Trouser Trout. What is the whole premise of your book and how women can use it?

Gail Rubin:
Trout are the good guys that women want to win. When I was a teenager, crying over a breakup with my first boyfriend, my mother told me there are plenty of fish in the sea. But the thing is she did not tell me what comprised the trout versus a one you want to toss back.

Dr. Wright:
She said there are plenty of men but she did not really give you the tool to distinguish what is the best man for you?

Gail Rubin:
That is right. She had her little bits of advice. So like, why should he buy the cow when he can get the milk for free and things like that. That did not fit in to the fishing metaphor.

Dr. Wright:
Okay. That was the farming metaphor.

Gail Rubin:
Right. I was married once before and I spent 14 years in the dating pool. I had plenty of experience with tossing them back, getting rejected myself and as I went along, treading water in the dating pool, I realized, there is a lot of good advice in fishing war. Very often, we talk about a guy as a good catch or talking about tossing them back when they do not work out. As I actually started researching more about fishing and applying it to dating and relationships, I was really quite amazed to see what good advise there was, that could be applied. Such as the trout hunts by sight, the fish itself is always on the lookout for whatever it is going to eat. And men are visually attracted just like a fish. So, you always want to look your best. Wear eye-catching jewelry, it is one of my favorite things. Something that will catch someone's eye and start a conversation. I also have a fondness for outrageous cowboy boots. Especially if you are back east, people do not wear cowboy boots too often back east but you can walk and stand in them a long time and not get tired.

Dr. Wright:
And they look great.

Gail Rubin:
They look great.

Dr. Wright:
They are very flattering for women, actually.

Gail Rubin:
Yeah. Another thing you might try if you are an animal lover is live bait. It works well. Walking your dog or I had a girlfriend, who has a parrot that she used to take out on her shoulder, walking in the park and believe you, me, she got looks, she got conversations, and she was really attracting people from all over. While this works well with dogs and people, you are more likely to approach a person with a dog than a person by themselves. Cats, however, do not usually cooperate on these, "Let us take a walk and see who we can catch."

Dr. Wright:
Although I was in San Diego once and I saw a guy riding his bike with his cat on his shoulder. That was the most unusual thing I ever saw but that is one cat you can train to do that.

Gail Rubin:
Yes. Another bit of advice from angling wars. It is something called, "matching the hatch." When you are out fishing, whatever insects are coming out that day, or what the fish are going to eat. When you apply that to dating and relationships, you want to project the image to be in the kind of class of the guy you want to attract. So, if you want to attract a classy guy, be a classy gal.

Dr. Wright:
If we want to attract a biker, then wear our pants down and show (talk over).

Gail Rubin:
Get the leather out. If you want a cowboy, go to the rodeo in your jeans.

Dr. Wright:
And your cowboy boots, not your stilettos.

Gail Rubin:
Right.

Dr. Wright:
That is a great idea because I think sometimes women are dressing for themselves and forgetting that part of it is dressing to attract someone too. You are not saying be revealing are you?

Gail Rubin:
Not necessarily. Although, there is a phenomenon in nature called the big egg theory, which is that big eggs, or big eyes, or big chest are more attractive to the opposite sex than just ordinary functional-sized ones.

Dr. Wright:
I do not know about the big egg theory but now I am educated, so I am ready. Okay. So, we want to really just make the most of our assets here.

Gail Rubin:
Yes. You have to get out there and use them too. You want to fish quality streams. Like I would like to say, unless the river runs through it, you got to get out of your house. First step.

Dr. Wright:
Exactly. Get out of your house and different things to meet some different people.

Gail Rubin:
Yes. I am not big on going to bars to meet people. The only thing you know about them is that they drink. I think it is a much better approach to go to a community event or to pursue your own interests where you can meet other people but still meet people that you would have something in common with.

Dr. Wright:
Now, you are talking about the Moby Dick syndrome in dating and relationships. What is the Moby Dick syndrome?

Gail Rubin:
If you have not read Moby Dick, that is about this sea captain who is obsessed with tracking down the great white whale, Moby Dick. In dating and relationships, if you are obsessed with tracking down that big catch, you are going to not only make yourself miserable, you will make everyone and your life around you miserable. So, on the water as in our love lives, obsessing over a trout can kill another wife's pleasant past time. Your friends are going to get tired of hearing your endless dissection of each approach and cast you make. If sufficiently harassed, the trout is going to be the hasty retreat. So, you want to maintain your equilibrium. You want to be cool, calm, polite, and not obsessed.

Dr. Wright:
Now, what do you want to say about the 5 ways a guy can score points early in a relationship? What are we looking for?

Gail Rubin:
One of the things a guy can do when he first starts calling is to identify himself right away on the phone. Not everybody has caller ID, although that is a helpful tool. A woman may not recognize your voice when you call up, start calling. So, do not leave her wondering who she is talking to. Identify yourself right away on the phone. When you show up for a date, flowers always score points. Chocolate is good but you do not know. Some people are allergic, so it is always nice to bring a little something as a gift like that, like a flower or a bunch of flowers. Also, in terms of communications when you are starting out, do call when you say you are going to but do not call more than once a day unless there is a compelling last minute change that necessitates the contact. Even though we are in the equal opportunity 21st century and most women can afford to pay for their own meal, I think guys make a much better first date impression when they pick up the check. It is good to be gallant. Of course that assumes it, he asked the girl out. If the girl asked the guy out, she should pay actually.

Dr. Wright:
Okay. So, that is the rule. Everybody heard that.

Gail Rubin:
And number 5, do not use your tongue in a first-time kiss. Keep your saliva to yourself. I mean, if things are going really well, okay. But the first time out of the gate, I do not recommend that.

Dr. Wright:
Give it a little bit of a break. Now, at your website, trousertrout.net. You have a great quiz to find out if your guy is a trout or if he is just a sea slug or other fish in the sea.

Gail Rubin:
Other fish in the sea.

Dr. Wright:
Can we talk about the quiz and go through that?

Gail Rubin:
Sure.

Dr. Wright:
One of your questions is when the first, when the two of you first go somewhere in the car, you ask about whether or not he opens the door.

Gail Rubin:
Does he do it every time, or only if it is a special date, or only if you got your hands full, or you asked him to. If it is infrequent or if he has got you down and gagged. Some of the answers are a little off the wall. But I guess really, you do want someone who is considerate.

Dr. Wright:
Absolutely. That is really what we are looking for.

Gail Rubin:
Consideration and maturity are key elements of what makes a guy a trout, and self-control.

Dr. Wright:
The next question is, if he feels like spawning but you are not in the mood. And you ask what does he do.

Gail Rubin:
He could suggest a sensuous activity like a massage or soak in the hot tub. That is our top suggestion. You could snuggle a while, see if he can arouse you. Maybe he will just pull out his girly magazines and go off, and satisfy himself. Maybe he will just get huffy and unpleasant, and maybe he will just go ahead and do what he's damn well pleases. So, you can see we have a continuum of good to bad.

Dr. Wright:
When you are driving somewhere that you have never been before...

Gail Rubin:
He will, what we would all love for men to do, think ahead and get directions. After that, maybe take a nap and try to figure it out as you go. Maybe get to the general vicinity and ask for directions as a last resort. Toss a pile of maps in your lap and tell you to get busy or drive around until the destination magically appears, which who knows how long that will take.

Dr. Wright:
What are you really looking for in this question? Really pinpointing what feature of a guy? Of a trout?

Gail Rubin:
Maturity but also thinking ahead. Although that is not necessarily going to apply to every man on the planet.

Dr. Wright:
Right. You want spontaneity but you do want someone with the ability to think ahead.

Gail Rubin:
Yes.

Dr. Wright:
Got to have a good balance. You asked about if he has a choice of two free tickets to a sporting event, a movie, or an outdoor cultural festival, you asked if he?

Gail Rubin:
He has these options of how he would respond. He might discuss the most appealing option with you. He calls up a buddy and invites him to the sporting event. He does what most appeals to him without consulting you. Tries to get free tickets for all three of events or takes another woman to the event of her choice, which means you have got a problem with your relationship.

Dr. Wright:
Your next question is about his bathroom habits.

Gail Rubin:
Oh, the all important toilet seat question. Does he leave it, lid closed seat down, lid up seat down, seat up, up or down depends on what he did there last, or sprinkled with yellow spots. So, this is definitely your consideration meter.

Dr. Wright:
Again, you are talking about going out for the first time. You did not have sex. You had a great time together. He says he will call and...

Gail Rubin:
He does call the next day to say thanks and suggest another date. Consideration. Calls within 1-2 days to ask how things are going. Calls after a week have gone by. Never calls again. Starts making obscene phone calls to you in the middle of the night.

Dr. Wright:
For the last two, it sounds like another kind of fish. You want to get rid of that fish.

Gail Rubin:
Yes. All of these are ordered, the first one or two are your troutly characteristics and they kind of goes downhill from there from there.

Dr. Wright:
The whole quiz is at the website and you give a great score to really tell people where they are on the meter.

Gail Rubin:
Automatically, if you go through and you click on all the answers that are reflective of the guy, it will be added up for you at the end and tell you if he is a true, noble trout. If he is a considerate, caring person who is aware of other's feelings and needs. He gets an A for chivalry, no matter type of trout. An angler would be glad to know him, at least as a friend. You have to ask, does he have a brother? Next is good quality trout. He has many positive aspects of the true, noble trout's characteristics. Maybe a little immature, a little machismo or self-centered. But otherwise a great nature, still a good catch. The fishy pseudo trout has some redeeming qualities but lacks awareness of social propriety and other's needs and feelings. In such relationships, an angler will find plenty of things to make fun of when she is discussing the fishing with her girlfriends. And a true other fish in the sea is the next one down. He is the center of his universe and anyone who associates to him must submit to his interpretation of the rules. Do you call that a relationship?

Dr. Wright:
No, but we have all seen our friends in those kinds of relationships.

Gail Rubin:
And then there is the true, like 0-13 points. Either he is psychopath or did not take the quiz seriously. A guy thing to do.
Dr. Wright:
That is the big thing. Then you also tell, give people tips for maintaining successful, long-term relationships. You know how to maintain one, so tell us a little bit about that.

Gail Rubin:
It is interesting. I mean, I have been married now for five years and I was married once before. But this one is so much better than the first one. Certainly, time and perspective helps give you that. But I actually spoke with a number of people who are married for more than 50 years. The key elements that I came away with were common values and never take anything for granted between each other. Realistic expectations, you get into trouble when you fantasize a perfect partner and expect a real person to conform to your idealized mold. A commitment to the partnership. Nobody should be expected to carry the whole burden alone. Sharing chores is a wonderful way to continue the commitment to the partnership. Communicate, of course, that is always a top element. But listening not only with your ears but also with your eyes. See what is going on. Count to 10 before responding emotionally in an argument. Recognize and accept growth and change in your partner. Life is a dynamic process and after 10, 20, or 40 years, either you or your partner are going to be the same person when you first got married. Mutual support and encouragement. Recognize that you are separate individuals, as well as part of a couple or a family unit. You have got your own interests and concerns and you want to honor and validate each other's interests outside of the relationship. That is what will help.

Dr. Wright:
Okay. Before we go, share with us what to do when the fishing hole runs dry.

Gail Rubin:
Sometimes, you just work too hard at fishing. Fishing and dating are both pleasurable experiences. Sometimes, you just got to take a break, hang up the gear, and go do what you like to do. Soak in the hot tub, go to the library, exercise, whatever, watch TV, just go to a movie. You want to just back off, go with the flow, savor the scenery, and enjoy your unique self. And it is when you are at peace with yourself that you become even more attractive to those trout out there.

Dr. Wright:
That is awesome. I do not think we can end with anything better than that. Thank you so much. We have been talking with Gail Rubin from trousertrout.net. This is Dr. Letitia Wright for IDC Dating.com. IDC Dating is creating multicultural relationships everyday. Remember, ignoring one's conscience is neither safe nor right. I will see you next time.

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