Tantra and the art of radical self acceptance

Posted by Jordan, 20 Mar 15

Shame around anything - sex or otherwise - is part of our cultural mythology and is not real.

"You can't transcend the very thing that makes you who you are." -Lawrence Lanoff

The Cheat Sheet:

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

  • What is Tantra and where have practitioners gone wrong with it?
  • What is the bias of perfection?
  • Has he ever met anyone who doesn't have secret pain about their sexuality?
  • What Bonobos can teach us about sex.
  • What is the real purpose of sex (hint: it's NOT procreation like we've been taught).
  • And so much more...

Tantra is one of the topics everyone seems to have heard of but most people know nothing about. Even fewer people know what it really is (not just the woo-woo stuff), how it should be used to create a healthy sex life, and how to develop radical self acceptance through the practice of it.

Lawrence Lanoff is a best-selling author and award-winning sex coach who helps people remove the shame and stigma from sex through Tantra and radical self acceptance. We dive headlong into all of that and more on episode 386 of The Art of Charm.

More About This Show:

From the age of 12 Lawrence has been studying and practicing Tantra. Yes you read that right - 12! Growing up on the rough streets of the meat-packing district of New York City he could've easily turned to a life of crime and gangs, but through an introduction to a spiritual teacher he found another avenue: Tantra.

On today's episode we talk about how Tantra has stayed with him over the years; Lawrence says it's been such a big influence that it naturally became a part of him. By the time he began having sex he had a mastery over his body and later, his knowledge became something others from all walks of life sought from him.

We also talk about how to share something deeply personal and sensitive like sexual proclivities. Lawrence has a formatted type of conversation he recommends you use, whether it be about a sexual topic or anything that makes you feel vulnerable to share. Here's how he recommends having that type of conversation:

First start by saying to your partner: "I have something I want to discuss with you, is now a good time?" If they say yes go to the second step. If it isn't a good time then make a date to talk and move on to step two.

Next start your conversation with these words: "This is what I'm afraid is going to happen if I tell you what I want to tell you." And then share what you're afraid their response will be (and your fears around why they will say that) and put it on the table.

Third share how you'd like for them to respond. Say to them: "here's what I'd like to have happen: _____" and then fill in the blank with what you want.

Finally this is where you share what you actually want to share. Whether that's a sexual fetish you have that you want to explore or something else, this is the point in the conversation when you share that thing you want to talk about.

Lawrence says by using this format for your conversation you're leveling the playing field, you're letting the other person know you have feelings about the topic and it's vulnerable for you. And if they don't respond with appreciation and gratitude for your sharing you are with the wrong person. Even if they aren't into whatever you suggest, they should still appreciate that you want to create a deeper connection with them.

We also talk about the connection between relationships and sex, why it isn't as obvious as you might think, and why relaxation is imperative to our well-being (plus how to do it in just 5 minutes).Tune in...

Big thanks to Lawrence for his candid conversation and straight-up talk on a sensitive topic. Special thanks to you for being here! We'll see you next time on The Art of Charm.

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach. He is the co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company. If you're interested in The Art of Charm residential programs, apply for a strategy call with a coach. You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook or Twitter.

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