I once asked you guys in an earlier post: “Do dating sites encourage racial prejudice?” Well, a UC Irvine study claims that online daters have a tendency of observing racial stereotypes while seeking potential mates.
The researchers analyzed Yahoo personals and found that White men prefer Asian and Hispanic women to African American women as dating partners. White women on the other hand have a preference for African American and Hispanic men as opposed to Asian men. Asians, Blacks and Latinos were more inclined to include White people as possible mates than White people were to include them. White people seem to be the most preferred race when it comes to interracial dating.
Cynthia Feliciano, one of the researchers and UCI assistant professor of sociology and Chicano/Latino studies, pegs the above preference findings on negative portrayals of Black women and Asian men by the media – on TV, in movies and music. “Stereotypical images of masculinity and femininity shape dating choices and continue to be perpetuated in the mass media,” said Feliciano, “The hyper-feminine image of Asian American women contrasts greatly with the image of Asian men, who are often portrayed as asexual.”
At the same time, the image of the strong Black woman, portrayed negatively by media as bossiness, is pegged against the idealized notions of submissive and frail women; which kinda explains why they were the least preferred choice of mate. This study on internet dating shows how race still plays into the selection of a partner.
Having been dubbed the ‘dominant race’ and being the most preferred racial group (according to the study), do you think White people influence the composition of interracial dating in the U.S.? Do racial stereotypes as portrayed by the media influence racial preference and choice in the internet dating scene? What other factors could be making Black women and Asian men the least preferred groups?
fkoi ; This in the Proper forum to Enjoy having fun . Question being ; Moderation and frequency of such and so . Answer ; probably could be as easy as having Independant Internet Reseachers Pole . Might be just a waste of time if we were truly to find Bigotry in the Indulgence of the staff of this site- surely free from Prejudice in the eyes of daily comments given bye so many of different Cultures and Locations . Enjoy the dance of Life .
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P.S. Running team L.A. to Philly / Running Legal Logbooks – about 53 hours highway time . Then two days of sleep .
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Rosebud14 put me in mind of something Richard Pryor said years ago on the Johnny Carson Show. He and Johnny were chatting about the numerous wives they’d each had. At one point Richard Pryor recounted an instance when someone asked him why several of his wives had been white. His reply was that it is hard enough to find someone you love who also loves you so why would you make it even harder by limiting yourself based on race. I think Richard had a point!
We all have preferences, it’s human nature.
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To Princess4ever: I really like your comment on
race relations. Your very correct when you said
you can love black men, I have a 4 year old black
son who will be a black man one day. I love black men too, they are my people as well as a living
uncle and black male friends.But? I so prefer to
date white males, this will never make me forget
my hertiage/ancestory or be someone that I am not.
I want something new and different as well as kind
treatment. Although I know their will be an up hill
battle, I took that into deep consideration on the
choice of stepping out of my usual relationships. I
am so sure and adult enough to know this is what I
want in my life. Just simple joy, love, happiness
and God’s blessing..
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To sexyp1: I just read your comment and I must
say that you are a beautiful sista who could get
any man of your choice. Black women and dark skinned women to me seem to be more prefered
by white males. I feel they probably feel that
if they get a dark skinned women then they are
really dating a black women. There are so many
beauitful sista’s of every shade in the black
race. And true! It is a shame that you had to
change your race idenity on a site to see a
real response. I will never deny myself and
being a proud and strong black sista to please
any man of any race. I am me! take it or leave
it!. Hold your head up, you are a star.And love
is just around the corner for you. He’ll love
you big or small, dark or light.
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To classynsheek: I am so proud of you for letting
it be known that we are not the least preferred on
sites.We are probably the most preferred,but a lot
of white males may honestly don’t know how to truly approach us.I say like any other woman of any race
with repect, honest and please no sterotypes!. All
black women are not the same and that is not a put
down to my sista’s out here, but we don’t always
desire the same thing as any other woman might
not in her own race.In any interrace relations
there might be up hill battles with family and
friends, not accepting or understanding the heart
of the matter. I say put God first and let him so
direct your steps… and breathe and keep it very
natural and just let the feelings flow. Don’t try
to program your feelings, or what to say or how to
think. And yes! sista black women should never have
to apologize for being natural strong, beautiful
and fearless. We had to for survival.
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HoneyKissed, I have Merengue in the mix but yeah I left out Samba (fun stuff). I’ll have to learn Soca, though. That one I haven’t done yet.
Forgive the delay. My comments are taking longer to post for some reason.
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Hello greeting to all once again,for those who sista who like to read as much as I do, I suggest”The interracial Dating Book For Black Women Who Want To Date White Men” written by Adam White.This book explores many of your question and explains in details and also gives Web discussuiongroup for this book. He is also the writer of “The Interracial Dating Book For White Men Who Want To Date Black Women”. This book is not bias and lack proproganda. I purchased it off amazon.com. Knowledge and a open-mind is the key to understanding . I wish you all success in your search for true happiness. This book addresses alot of your question, doubts, misconception, etc.This book is researched based and peer- reviewed.
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To Girlstar7. Thank you — you totally get it!!
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I do agree with Glock, I just don’t think white men know what to say to a black women….But men have to remember, black women are just like all other women. We just want to be loved and not used.
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Sorry Balance, but I just have to warn people.
Buy if you must or download to save the $30 bucks but many of the reviews were not good.
I would save your money and just BE YOURSELF anyway.
Go to amazon.com, look up the books and read the reviews.
You’ll see why .
Some of the complaints about
“The Interracial Dating Book For Black Women Who Want To Date White Men” written by Adam White” were:
TK
This book definitely isn’t worth $30 and I’d recommend downloading it from one of the sites mentioned.
GypsyHeart
1- The first warning bells sounded when I realized that there was no information about the person behind the “Adam White” pseudonym. Who is he, and what makes him qualified to write about this subject? When an author goes beyond using a pseudonym to shield his complete identity from the reader, I can’t help but wonder what’s wrong.
2- The entire book reads like a poorly written high school term paper….
3- …racist and patronizing attitude the author displayed toward blacks. One bit of advice was for black women to ignore other blacks in public and focus exclusively on white males to make themselves more cross-culturally appealing. Why would any self-respecting black woman want a man who only found her desirable when she distanced herself from those who shared her racial background?
4- I thought the goal was to date whites, not to become white. Yet the author’s suggestions include not wearing ethnic attire so as not to appear hostile, not wearing a great deal of jewelry because that’s associated with “blackness,” and not discussing issues with racial overtones so as not to make white men uncomfortable. Smith also contributes such “gems of wisdom” as: read books about interracial romances in public so whites will know that you are receptive, work to overcome the discomfort you will surely feel at the unaccustomed situation of meeting blue or green eyes, and dress like the white women you know.
ZB
a revolting smorgasboard of racism, paternalism & stereotype,…
Let me say that I’m a white man who has dated several black women. I read the first chapter of this book and felt the urge to vomit. I don’t know what the author’s purpose was but the result was a gross catalog of stereotypes. (“Black women should consider the financial security man white men offer” was one tidbit.)
Joie,
As a multicultural woman, I would applaud the author’s desire to encourage exploration of love with other races; I think, however, I expect many who truly wish to try interracial dating will already be far beyond the puerile suggestions of this book. Save your (money)!
Rocker81
I’m a white man that is interested in dating black women. However, I don’t want a black woman that dresses different to attract white men. I want a black women and not a white women with darker skin. And to hate and be negitive of black
men is also moronic.
Wortless book! Save your money and go buy a DVD or something as you will be much better off than reading this rubbish.
There wasn’t much on the review for “The Interracial Dating Book For White Men Who Want To Date Black Women
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Ms. Balance – Thanks for the info. I think we can all benefit from reading what others think about topics of interest to us. I learn a lot reading these blogs but what I read here is not without bias or propaganda. I look into what Adam White has to say on the topic.
By the way, I find it interesting that the book you mention is 10 years old.
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Realized later Salsera about where the queries originated. No matter though. As many here have aforesaid, we cannot help who we are attracted to. Life is simply to short to be so concerned about what others things. Brava to those who seek personal happiness above the approval of others. I say if your family and your friends truly love and care about you then they will support the choice of your heart and not attempt to color your views based on their notions. Ciao
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Co_Co, I’m not sure what you were trying to say but those were statements not queries and they are PRO interracial dating not against it. I also DID already mention where they came from. Some also suggested downloading the book instead including me if you still want to read it. See above.
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i grew up in zurich, switzerland. a small country between germany, france and italy…cause some never heard about that small country:-)
i am a african girl, aged 22, good-looking, well-educated
we have a view black people here..the people here are more or less open-minded but not free from prejudice:-)
the phenomen that black women are the lower rate to date is even here as well..i see alot of good looking, not overweight young black girls who are single and it seems that the white men like to flirt with them but wouldnt go a step further (i m talking also from my own experience) on the other hand u see lot of black men dating and marrying white woman.
where i work i m the first black woman, most of my colleagues are white men…it should be acctually easy for me..but u dont now how hard it is. cause it seems that the white men like to flirt but do not take it serious after all.
compared to the white women.
in my point of view its like when a white woman likes or wants a black men, she doesnt care what other people say. she just go for it. as she knows that some black men like white women, they re not to scared of rejection and are more confident when they approach a black men.
maybe its also cause the media still often shows the beautiful white woman. and rarley the beautiful black woman! we still live in a white dominated world where in the industrial countries the stereotype beautiful white woman stands on top.
for example. lets say we live in a black dominated country where the black woman is on top..just imagine.
dont u think black woman: we would be so much more self-confident and it would be so much more easy for us to approach a white man, cause we KNOW we re the beauty standard and they probably like us?
be honest to yourself guys.
i m interested in white guys and i wonder what more can black woman do, to show white men, that she likes him?
last week we also nominated the hottest swiss girl..and the girl who won was black girl.
i m kind of confused…i hear so many white man saying that they like black woman, but not often approach one. and here in switzerland it is not as “segregated” as in the states. we dont have to fear too much what our familiy gonna say or thinks.
its a strange world!
(sorry my bad english i m not a native speaker. in switzerland we speack in german:-)
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Hi, good post. I have been woondering about this issue,so thanks for posting. I’ll definitely be coming back to your site.
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Hi Siiwa,
You should come on down to Italy more often then! I’m a black American woman married to an Italian (living in Italy)–Italian men aren’t shy at all, lol.
Why don’t you try dating online? I actually met my husband that way. We’re really happy, he’s family is sweet, my parents LOVE him (actually sometimes I think they love him more… just kidding)
If you are shy about online dating, maybe you could join some activity groups for hiking or trekking around. That’s another nice place to meet guys away from work. Plus there usually are more guys than gals whenever it comes to sporty stuff. Most of my friends here say that they meet through other friends so you could play hostess and have a little party to get to know people better…
Good luck!
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I was just talking too a person online, she just started dating white men, but said it rare where she came from, New York, ive dated girls that went down south and said this does not happen in the 80s, being in the Millitary, ive been all over the south or New York where most of my family is from, i dated in all these places like georgia or south carolina etc, New York, but if i think someone looks good, i tell them, and had no problems if they were also attracted.
Now recently, my ex just went out on a date up here in seattle/tacoma area/ he was white and some guys said, what is this Jungle Fever from some guys walking by them, she had never had any comments like this before with me or any one she dated, so it still happens with dum comments by some folks, but that will not stop her from dating whoever she is attracted too. Nor should it anyone on here.
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On Yahoo personals, white men love Asian women more because they will ‘show you fun’ for $25. As long as you have a XOOM account, you can transfer your weekly grocery money to the Phillipines and have some ‘fun’.
There is nothing better then paying $25 and watching someone who claims to be 40 years old, but looks like she is 11, possibly going on 12.
The same Yahoo ‘daying profiles’ find their way into the chat room on this site. I love watching them try to hawk their ‘wares’ on cam to the incredibly horny. There is nothing more romantic to me than to hear a young Phillipina saying ‘YOu like to have fun’ in the.chat room.
SIGGHHHHHHH
Yahoo personals is so cool. I’m hungry now. I think I am going to go get some General Tso chicken and cuddle up under a comforter.
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Yahoo Personals….seriously. If your going to do a study about dating preferences, please include data from all types of dating websites. I refuse to believe a survey from yahoo is going to predict the trends of other websites. There is so much more research that should be done on that matter rather than poking around on one site and yelling “I’ve got it”! Purely ridiculous. While some of the points of the article are supported by many, this only fuels the problem. Let me see research that is more in-depth and truly proves me wrong about what I feel. Furthermore, were they attempting to profile dating in the USA only or was it meant to reach a broader audience? That puzzles me entirely. I enjoyed reading the feedback, very interesting points of view.
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hy cocoa70
thanks for answering…i never did online dating before..This site is now the first site i see.
but its a little bit difficult, cause most of the men i would be interested in life outsite switzerland..
do u know a goog dating website u could reccomend?
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Great points all around.
Even while growing up in a very segregated town in Arkansas, I’ve always been always attracted to non-Black men, even though I did, and still do, find Black men attractive. But, I initially dated Black men, because it was as if there was this message, as was commonplace in that southern culture at that time, that I had a “place” and I should stay in it. So, even when I went to a university that was about 92% White/5% Black and I was BEYOND sick and tired of the seeing the same “color struck” behavior of Black men in college that I had seen in high school, I continued to solely seek Black men as dating options.
By the way, I don’t care about shades of skin in the Black community and think it is equally ignorant that SOME (most definitely not all) darker-hued Black women take issue with lighter-hued Black women for their skin tone and that SOME (not all) lighter-hued Black women actually think that most darker-hued Black women envy them. I have incredibly beautiful brown skin.
I love it and do not desire to be any other shade. And I have awesome girlfriends who are lighter in hue and equally beautiful. In fact, of the 14 of us that get together annually, not one is the exact same shade. On a somewhat side note, reading another blog made me realize that SOME (again, not all) color-obsessed Black men projected THEIR insecurities about skin color onto Black women. Some even made it seem as if one group was better than the other and pitted Black women against each other, whether deliberate or not. But, at the end of the day, we are all accountable for our own behavior. So, those who act ignorant enough to see each other unwarranted as the enemy deserve the angst that goes with that. Sure, the color division practices were wielded largely by White America years ago (and sometimes presently), but it seems to be most firmly and proudly wielded by Black America, also.
Anyway, my catalyst for breaking free of the “Black men only” club, was seeing the Black men in college date anything but a Black woman, yet try to take any Black woman to task that dated a man of another race, even if that non-Black man loved and valued her. I got tired of this contrived, BS belief that I was supposed to be loyal to a group of men that didn’t reciprocate this loyalty, just because we were of the same race. And I realized that, for the same reason I never felt obligated to go to a historically-black college or university (HBCU) just because I was Black (although individuals have various reasons), I didn’t have to date a Black man just because I was Black either. What’s more, I realized that nothing external gauged or validated my blackness. Rather, my “blackness” was internal and eternal and HOWEVER I lived that out, it was authentic. I didn’t have to be a certain shade, talk a certain way, etc.
Anyway, as I’ve traveled on this journey of interracial dating some 10+ years ago, my racial consciousness and my propensity to ask “why” alot had me analyzing the dynamics of interracial dating, namely as it entailed Black women. And, after years of believing that most White men aren’t interested in us, and still seeing the showing of interest that seems to be predominantly expressed with other races of women, I have come to firmly believe that most men of all races desire Black women. I’ve seen plenty of them, especially in the DC metro area, circumspectly looking at Black women when they think we aren’t looking. And they could be with another woman. Or, they’ll go to the extreme and act as if they didn’t notice a beautiful Black woman enter the car. What’s funny is that the White women are generally looking us up and down, also. But, a White man looking isn’t my only reason for my belief.
In slavery, when White men had free reign and the support of the legal system to do with Blacks as they saw fit, it wasn’t uncommon for them to enter into sexual relations with us. Black women were their “exotic and submissive” choices. We couldn’t talk and fight back without consequence and that continued somewhat even up through the Jim Crow era. Now, all of a sudden we’re supposed to believe that there’s zero interest in us on the part of White men? I propose that, just as racism and discrimination haven’t gone away, but have rather gone underground, the interest in Black women hasn’t gone away either. Unfortunately, some of that interest tends to still be sexually based, with no intention of something as honorable as marriage or a long-term relationship forthcoming. And, I think Asian women have knowingly and unknowingly replaced us as the “exotic and submissive” archetypes in White American male culture; but, as far as I’m concerned, they can have that title. The difference today seems to be that, in a country still polarized along the lines of Black and White, to the point that even non-Blacks and non-White Americans feel compelled to “choose,” Asian women are more accepted by White culture as dating and marriage partners. Instead of being outright politically INcorrect and calling Asian women “exotic and submissive,” the term now employed is “feminine.” But, I don’t believe Asian women are the epitome of femininity or womanhood. Both are mine and any woman’s from conception. All women, even those within the same racial, ethnic, and cultural groups or with different sexual orientation preferences, express different degrees of femininity. But, no group of women has the monopoly on that word or characteristic. I think it’s another word used in a racially- and socially- manipulative fashion, like “model minority” and “reverse racism.” In essence, it’s meant more to “insult” subgroups not in that category, rather than to compliment the group given that label. Moreover, I have a theory that, in the case of some of the White American men who label Asian women as the “most feminine” the intent is mostly to hide their insecurities about their masculinity.
Allow me to explain. I have a basic belief that God created man and woman and anything beyond that, namely race, MAN created, emphasized, and marketed NOT God. How many men have gone off to foreign places and have had ZERO interaction, when given the opportunity, between the men and native women? I think that the American men that reject Black women because of our “race” and stereotypes attached to that actually lack confidence in themselves. What MAN is afraid of a WOMAN? The men that see Black women as a “challenge” and too independent, may need to check their confidence in their manhood and masculinity. Don’t get me wrong. I know there are Black women with a major chip on their shoulder and who will bite a guy’s had off. And, I can understand having apprehension about that. But, there are Asian and White women who will do the same. Or, they’ll feel the emotion, not overtly express anger, yet do something passive aggressive. What bothers me is that so many Black women, and it seems to be starting all over again with young Black girls, are internalizing others’ fear and ignorance and defining our beauty, value, worth, etc. upon other’s perception of us. But, the fear, shame, insecurity AND rejection isn’t on us, but on the others that hold our race against us, especially based upon stereotypes.
Again, if they just happen to find Asian women attractive, no hierarchy based on race or stereotypes, more power to them. Believe it or not, I understand and respect “preference,” even as I believe there is a very thin line between preference and prejudice, including my own. Or should I say that I respect preference in the sense that a man can simply find a certain look attractive that does not include the diverse beauty of Black women, and it has nothing to do with racial stereotypes or influences. And I mean that. But, for those that are avoiding us due to stereotypes or peer or family influence, I think these men are cowardly and insecure and need to some B&B: balls and backbone.
Overall, as I mentioned earlier, I think we ARE desired more than not. But, because of so many factors, non-Black men (and even some Black men) it isn’t always obvious (and I agree, as the guy said earlier, that women can approach men, also). As a woman with four sisters and who actually sees other women as “sisters” before I see them as “enemies” and “competition,” I see the many great qualities of Black women. For one, we are some of the most diehard, loyal, unselfish, nurturing and supportive women on the face of this earth…almost at our expense and demise when it comes to men unworthy of receiving those qualities. And, physically, we generally age well and are the only racial group that encompasses every feature, shade, hair color, etc. Overall, I think we have an incredible amount of strength and would be an asset to any man wise enough to gain us as a mate. That’s not to all Black women have it together. And that isn’t to say other races of women lack these positive qualities as so many women around the world are going through a LOT of pain, persecution, and oppression, yet still endure. But, I’m speaking of Black women, specifically, because some men seem to want to believe that the positive assets that exist with other races are nonexistent when it comes to Black women.
Stereotypes, no matter how we frame them are “myths” and are fear-based. And generally, people are too lazy or cowardly to find and live out the truth that, at the end of the day, we are all human beings, even though I speak in terms of race. I use the racial terms partially out of habit and partially because I find it easier to explain and articulate my experience and some other things. But, the we-are-all-human phrase, while said over and over again and quite cliche-ish, is true. For me, it means that we all laugh, cry, grieve, love, laugh, hurt, hope, dream, bleed, live, die, etc… All of us. I don’t want a man that can’t see that and I don’t want someone who is wishy-washy about dating Black women. Interracial dating might draw enough fire by itself. But, God forbid that I am saddled with someone who is not firm about where he stands on it. And while I don’t want a weak White man, I am not okay that so many White men are avoiding Black women due to racism and/or racial stereotypes. I’m never okay with “it is what it is” or “that’s just the way it is.” Too much would still be the same today if others had taken that stance and done nothing. But, I guess we all pick our battles.
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Good points, Krystyn2003…
I like that you’ve echoed some similar
sentiments that I posted on May 25th & 28th.
I even use some of the same words and
it sounds like you’ve experienced the same.
I felt your similar thoughts fleshed out, bared repeating. I hope you don’t mind.
__________________________________________________
How many men have gone off to foreign places and have had zero interaction, when given the opportunity, between the men and native women? I think that the American men that reject Black women because of our “race” and stereotypes attached to that actually lack CONFIDENCE in themselves. What MAN is afraid of a WOMAN? The men that see Black women as a “challenge” and too independent, may need to check their CONFIDENCE in their manhood and masculinity.
…Or should I say that I respect preference in the sense that a man can simply find a certain look attractive that does not include the diverse beauty of Black women, and it has nothing to do with racial stereotypes or influences. And I mean that. But, for those that are avoiding us due to stereotypes or peer or family influence, I think these men are cowardly and insecure and need to some B&B: balls and backbone.
Stereotypes, no matter how we frame them are “myths” and are fear-based. And generally, people are too lazy or cowardly to find and live out the truth that, at the end of the day, we are all human beings, even though I speak in terms of race.
I don’t want a man that can’t see that and I don’t want someone who is WISHY-WASHY about dating Black women. Interracial dating might draw enough fire by itself. But, God forbid that I am saddled with someone who is not firm about where he stands on it. And while I don’t want a weak White man, I am not okay that so many White men are avoiding Black women due to racism and/or racial stereotypes. I’m never okay with “it is what it is” or “that’s just the way it is.”
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Whuurr- I know you have to be kidding, spending money on certain things, and saying these girls look 11-12, that is kinda creepy, almost like a proud Child Mo—–. But i took it as your joking?
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Amen, sista!
best preach ever! u touched my heart. thank u.
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the Amen goes to kristyn20003:-)
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Kristyn20003
I agree with you, because I’ve noticed quite a few of us BW have been and still are being negatively stereotyped, but the sad part is we aren’t only being negatively stereotyped by societies of other races, we’re also being stereotyped by some BM.
It appears to be the general concensus that if a BW is strong emotionally & mentally, self sufficent, has progressive self direction,and positively assertive she is LABELED as “too bossy” or some other stereotypical label similar to that. Why is a BW who possess’s these qualities always labeled with a negative connotation, and woman of another race with the same qualities is labeled with a positive connotation; such as “she’s ambitious?”
I would like to know in 2009 why we (BW) are still being negatively labeled?
Why are we not suppose to be ambitious, assertive, and have positive self direction?
Jimmydea01;
It struck me as “odd or weird” what Whurr said too, am I over reacting to a not-funny joke?
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It was very interesting to read all these posts. I grew up in a small Midwestern town, originally from India but lived in the U.S. since I was 3. I prefer white men to Indian men because I think they treat their women better in general and I’m more attracted to them. But I also feel guilty I feel that way. And it is a real challenge finding someone to be with, because I don’t feel most white men are open to dating me (even though I am very attractive, and I would probably have been happily married with children by now if I had been white). Even in open-minded California where I live, it has been a challenge. I have tried online dating and met a wonderful man but we broke up after a year. It’s very frustrating sometimes and I feel there is definitely some miscommunication.
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No you weren’t, Jimmydea01. I felt the same about Whurr’s comment, and that he was so nonchalant about it just makes it worse.
Great comments folks.
Guys, glad to hear your voice.
Particularly loved your POV’s Krystyn2003.
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Divide and conquer has always been a sound military/socio-economic strategy. It has worked since the beginning of time. If a group or a group within a group can be targeted as somehow less-than, then others can use that as a springboard to feeling superior.
I have my preferences that seem to be hard-wired into my being. I preferred Katy Jurado to Grace Kelly in “High Noon” as a child and couldn’t understand why Gary Cooper didn’t. At the same time that didn’t mean that I felt that the Amy Fowler character was less than the Helen Ramirez character, just that Mrs. Ramirez was prettier (C’mon, I wasn’t even 10 when I first saw the movie. That was about as sophisticated I could be at that point!)
We become so indoctrinated by the media and infused with an “us versus them” attitude that it is an easy step to think that my preferences are somehow moral imperatives. They aren’t. We have to be careful about passing on that impression and we have to be careful about assuming it on ourselves.
I miss the classic “tall, dark and handsome” category on at least one (and to some all three) characteristics. Supporting each other rather than smearing each other is key.
I see nearly all the colours of the Black and the White spectrum on this blog. Amazingly beautiful women of all hues, many of y’all telling stories of prejudice base on your particular shade, if not your race as a whole. What I see is women whom I would be proud to have on my arm anywhere, anytime. That anyone can see anything different astonishes me (even though it has long ceased to surprise me).
For the dudes, I’m sure you are all beautiful in your own way too. It’s just not so easy for me to see. LOL
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BTW, it is interesting to note that almost all, if not all, the comments by women on this article are made by Black women (of various hues) and most by men are by White men (also of various hues). Not saying anything there, just saying.
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fkoi,
I think I and some of the other women here are pretty mature, intelligent and have had many experiences from which they are speaking. There’s nothing wrong with knowing and stating what one wants in a partner. I think I can speak for Many when I say we know this is not a dictatorship.
Ummmm…I don’t know if All know that, lol,
but I digress…
For myself I know the difference between a preference and a moral imperative as you say and when I make comments, they are not commands to anyone. I don’t expect everyone to take a fancy to me or my points of views but that is a two-edge sword. I don’t adore everyone and appreciate everyone’s convictions either but I know they have a right to them. It’s a free country. We are all trying to enlighten each other on this love/dating/interracial thing drawing from our experiences and believe me I have some doozeys you wouldn’t believe. You say we have to be careful? Lololol, You have no idea how circumspect I’ve been but some of us have earned the right to talk about these things which may be illuminating for newby’s. Others are going to quite naturally take what they want and leave the rest. So rest assured.
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When it comes to stereotypes, as people we have a choice to dismiss them or look into them for legitimacy.
I once heard someone say, “The lie told long enough becomes an accepted truth!”
I have to ask, what’s the goal of those who have control of the imagery that’s fead to the public?
Are they fearful of the raise of BW? Are they threatened by her sense of self worth and desire to belittle her as a means of propping up their own deflated self image?
I’m aware of their preception of the BM as a threat but why the attach on BW?
Sometimes I believe there’s a conspiracy on behalf of those who control the media and other forms of imagery, to depict the BW in such negative terms as a means of getting her to question her own value.
When people have low self esteem, they’re easily influenced by the perceptions of others and as a result they look for ways to conform to the standards of those who create the image of what the standard is.
By implying that BW are the least desireable women on the dating scene and throwing in all the negative stereotypes about BW, is this an attemp to knock her down of of her high horse?
Has she become too upity for some, is she daring to define who she is, are other women from other ethnic groups starting to catch this bad case of “BOLDNESS”?
What are they going to do with this BW? Some of her own BM is intimidated by her and while others are fasinated by her, they’re threatened by her!
So, must they try to control her by generating negative images about her hoping they’ll crush her spirit and she’ll fall back in line?
You’ll die waiting!
I smell a rat or could I be looking too deep into this thing?
Peace!
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Well, I think stereotypes definitely play a role in which people others find attractive. But to say that only African-American women are bossy or intimidating is a fallacy. Who a woman becomes has to a lot to do with her upbringing, her life experiences, and how she chooses to define herself. I’m a well-spoken, educated, and confident African-American woman who’s values and experiences have shaped who I am today. My self-confidence, determination, and courage to be the best person I can be comes from my Caucasian great-grandmother who raised 7 bi-racial children in a hate-ridden community, my Cherokee great-grandmother who lost family members because of prejudice, a Hispanic Godmother who came to America as an immigrant, and the strong black women in my family who were descendants of African slaves. From the lily-white Mary Busbee to the chocolate Andrea Glaze, these women all had one thing in common-perseverance to make a life for themselves and their families.
There is no secret that African-Americans have been at the bottom of the totem pole for a long time. So combined with the stereotypes, discrimination, and various socio-economic factors that may disenfranchise the African-American woman, yes some have had to develop “tough” skin. We’re more likely to live in poverty, raise children by ourselves, be victims of crime, less likely to marry, and often live in communities in which opportunities to better yourself are limited.
Thus don’t dismiss an African-American because of perceptions, what you’ve heard, etc. Get to know the woman….maybe the demeanor is a facade because we’re giving, caring, loving, and hardworking Queens who’ve often had to carry a lot on our shoulders. Not all of us are angry, bitter, or bossy women. But please note that these adjectives can describe a woman of any race! At the end of the day, we all have these pre-conceived notations about others who are different then we are, but I hope people aren’t going into relationships because they think a woman is docile, aggressive, or more likely to cook dinner every night because of their race. Please!
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Takes a Man to find a Woman and a Woman to find a Man , Color has nothing to do with True Love / that has to be gained Together .
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I agree with the majority of this article. I agree that black women are generally percieved at the bottom of the barrel as far as desirable. I would say black men have a much better shot at being with anyone they wanted to. BW have such a bad brand on our race: We’re not smart, we’re loud, obnoxious, crass, multiple children with multiple fathers, etc. I’m quite partial to white men in general, and live in an area that’s 90% white, but bad grounds for interracial dating. My ex and I got constant stares from men who were dating out of their race too! WM/BW is rare, and I get giddy when I see random couples where I go. Sometimes I even introduce myself
I’m highly intimidated by approaching my preference as well.
I also believe that there are so few “stereotypes” with Asian men, that they seem completely invisible in the dating world. I like asian men too, and I can’t help but notice how many people of all races seem fantasize and dream with being with “their women”. It’s a shame– people don’t know what they’re missing when they go by stereotype. Even when a certain race has a stigma, at least they’re noticed. And there seems to be next to nothing for them to get in the spotlight.
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Salsera77, I hope nothing I said indicated to you that I find you anything less than a mature, intelligent and informed woman. And one who speaks from her experience and heart.
It is just so hard for me to grasp a world where the amount of melanin in ones system makes such a difference to people. I’m not unaware. I know it does. It is just so weird.
People can and should be attracted to whomever they are. I guess I just wish for a world where folks are open-minded to all the beauty that is part of the world. Deciding not to approach a woman because she is three degrees darker or lighter than cafe au lait makes so little sense to me. But folks do it and have the right to do so.
It is just when they make stereotyped decisions in other areas based on their preference that their decisions go beyond what is their “right” and affect the rights of others.
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It is now June and I see we are still talking about “choice”. From what I see and from my experiance, there is a lot of dating going on with no intentions of going further into deep relationships. This can be hurtful to Black women (others too maybe)because it makes us feel we are not acceptible wife material. We make some of the best wives and I know that within my family divorce is a bit taboo. We make fun family life in spite of what the media portrays us as being. It’s all about keeping us seperate. So come on—-get rid of your fears and own up.
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Wow, this thread is so long I hate to make it longer, but hopefully this wll help:
Superlite (4/25) and M.Elliot (4/27), you are soooo right! Women have to be careful not to appear to be chasing a man, because men naturally run from this sort of role reversal…but women do have to meke themselves available to the men they are interested in. Ladies, you MUST let him know if you are interested, and you must let him know that he has a chance with you. This is hard for you ladies because YOU can tell easily when a man is interested in you, so you think he can too, but it doesn’t work that way. Men are clueless. They can’t discern the little interest signs, so you have to be PERSISTANT and OBVIOUS to get their attention (sorry if I’ve offended you guys, but it is a scientific fact that most men are this way). You ladies have to walk a fine line here, and I don’t envy you. Men, you are privileged. God has blessed you by ordaining you to choose and approach any woman you are attracted to, while women prety much have to wait for the man to approach her. Use your responsibility wisely. Ladies, there are plenty of ways in which you can encourage a man to approach you. Be creative, not passive. You have just a much power to attract him as he has to chase you.
LaughSailor (4/25), your experiences with online dating sites was quite interesting, but different than mine. I’ve found POF and OKC to be completely colorblind. However, my experinece with eHarmony was interesting. For those of you who aren’t familiar with them, they do all the matching themselves, based upon (1) compatibility, as determined by extensive testing, and (2) your stated prferences. They do not even attempt to match on chemistry. Now, when I first joined 3 years ago, I stated “no preference” under ethnicity…and almost all the women they matched me with were white. I wasn’t comfortable with any of them, so I changed my preference so that they would match me with whites only when there was a higher than usual degree of compatibility. Guess what? Out of the next 300 matches they provided. NOT ONE of them was white. Apparently I’m not very compatible with ANY white woman.
In response to the lengthy discussions about “being black enough”, this has worked both wys. I noticed way back when I was in college that when a black man dated a white woman, she was almost always blonde. Likewise, at that time, black women usually only dated blonde white men. If a black person was going to date a white, they wanted to make sure they were extremely and obviously white. I’n not sure this is still true. But I’ve noticed that advertisers prefer lighter-skinned black women. Half the women in ads in Ebony, you can’t tell whether they’re white or black. I love all black women regardless of their shade; however, I am an educated, intelligent thinker and have nothing in common with ignorant black women. I date the ones who are educated, articulate, and thughtful. In many people’s minds, those are the one who “act white”. So be it.
Sexyp1, your experiment was priceless! I love it when speculation and opinions are replaced by facts. Thanks for sharing it with us.
Noplay, you have given the very best advice of all in a nutshell: BE YOURSELF!
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I think the media–for whatever warped reasons–attempts to perpetuate sterotypes of all kinds. I choose to ignore them–both the media AND the sterotypes. I’ve dated Black men mostly in an attempt to prove something to myself. But I’m just not naturally drawn to them in a romantic way (at least I haven’t been yet!) Must I be simply because we share the same skintone? Animals have more sense than that (and humans are supposed to be evolved!) Anyone who buys into the notion (in this day-and-age no less) that s/he must adhere to some other human beings ideals on whom s/he can love does her/himself a grave disservice and may miss out on the love of a lifetime! I hate neither Black men nor myself. The bottom-line is you like who you like and you don’t have to explain or justify that not even to yourself, let alone anyone else.
I say flip the media and anyone else who tries to dictate how YOU should live YOUR life.
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Ive read through most of these and have a few things ,,,
Black women to me are absolutely beautiful. The skin, the hair, the eyes, the lips, the legs, the breasts, etc. I have always loved dark-skinned women, had posters of them in room as a kid which went against the norm when I grew up, I didnt care. I grew up in the militray so dating wasnt a big issue. Im 47 now, widower, no kids. I have my profile up and I talk. I say, dont sweat the issue, enjoy your walk through the flower garden and when the right one makes her appearance, you’ll know. Go slow, get to know each other ,, and for those of you still looking, look at my profile. Only one question : Why do so many “look” but dont respond ?
Orion
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I came across this thread entirely by accident (I was looking up ways to overcome eye-contact aversion), and found myself completely intrigued by the original question, not because I have long wondered about it, but because it was recently brought to my attention that perhaps I should.
To elaborate, I am what is commonly known as bi-racial, though in my case and many others’ I’m sure it’s a misnomer. I grew up in Idaho, and now reside in Seattle. It never occurred to me to be attracted to someone based on skin color, though in my life I have often been accused of being ‘too white’ or ‘not black enough.’ Those comments are of coursed based on media perpetuated stereotypes that, as others have said, only dumb people buy into. Unfortunately, those dumb people happen to be my family, on my dad’s side.
I never could figure out what ‘too white’ meant. I’m from Idaho. I act and talk like everyone else I was raised around. ‘Not black enough’ apparently has something to do with my lack of attitude, perfect Northwestern accent, and the fact that I don’t have a single black person in my circle of friends, not because I avoid them, but because them’s the sweet lemons I’ve been dealt.
I don’t see any of that as a problem, and have often wondered why people expect me to fill this stereotype of a black woman simply because I am such a nice shade of brown. I am not a skin color, I am an American, and if indeed I must be black, then indeed I must also be white, which of course is a very gray area where most people are concerned.
In any case, the other day my dad randomly told me that he wanted me to date black men because men of other races, particularly white men, were not prepared to date me, and wouldn’t be able to handle it. I looked down at myself, thinking his words might be explained by the fact that I’d suddenly turned into a three-toed sloth. Nope, I was still human. Culturally, because of where I was raised, I am an American of the Pacific Northwest, which I guess means I like to wear socks with my sandals and eat gluten free granola. But basically, I couldn’t understand at all what my dad was talking about. He went on to explain, and what I extracted from the conversation was that skin color mattered in whom one should choose to date. This from the dark skinned man who has only fallen in love twice in his life: with my mom, and with my stepmom, who are, respectively, Austrian descended and a German native. The man with three bi-racial kids. What tripe.
The rest of the conversation did not go well, leading me to the realization that I have never considered myself black or white at all. Ever since, I have found myself pondering this topic, trying to formulate why color would matter if two people were attracted to each other, and what some of the causes of such an odd way of thinking might be from. Especially in places that are not still entrenched in 1915.
I live in Seattle, which, if I remember from an earlier post, was listed as #2 on the list of best cities for interracial dating. I do see a lot of interracial couples, and to be fair, the run down does have a much, much smaller percentage of WM/BW than any other combination, but I personally believe that it’s mostly a case of population demographics than anything else. With the exception of Asian men, who tend to look right past me, I don’t seem to have a particular problem attracting attention from men of most ethnicities–my ability to deal with that attention is another thing, haha– and I certainly don’t feel obligated to date anyone I don’t like. This life is too short to go around worrying about how much natural SPF my kids will be born with.
I find it amusing, and rather sad, that all of the stereotyping, and the implied prohibition about who I date has come almost entirely from my colored side of the family, and colored friends of the family. Why are they so reluctant to embrace the future, which will be better for the inherent progress made when people date interracially. Not to mention a prettier future, because mixed kids are cuter *grin* But for them, I’m not black enough, and I apparently need to embrace, not the future, but the past, and where I’m from.
Where I’m from? Like the song says: You know I like my chicken fried, cold beer on a Friday night, a pair of jeans that fit just right, and the radio up…
I’m American. The sooner people in this country can proudly mark that on a survey and let color merely become part of a descriptive process (like, bet on the gray, did you see that red Mini Cooper, or, oh look, that black guy over there is really hot…) the freer people will feel to stop restricting themselves to perceived notions about racial dating taboos, and give themselves a much better chance at finding someone they’d be happy to spend the rest of their lives with. I am very tired, so I hope any of that made sense.
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Hello my name is Brandon and let me say that i am 18 years old and just got out of high school i came upon this acticle and i was amazed that many people had at least ahd some kind of problem simailar to teh one that i ahd and still have to this day yes i believe that at the beginning of this post someone said that white men are afriad to approach women and that is in some aspects true as i a once qwas and still somethimes find myself asking what is wrong “you like this girl so go up to her”adn then i jsut wave it off i believe that most guys are afiad of tallking to some women just because they do not want to be though of as not in teh loop and therefore no one will ever look at them the same i am currently havign this problem.I am becoming far more openning about my prefenece not a need just a prefence that i love to date black women and i believe that any women is in her won way beauitful but you give me a strong black women and ill be the happiest guy on earth.My problm is why do i ask myself what i should do i can’t go up to any women any more and jsut say hey how is it goign i used to be what you would call a natural adn jsut let things flow but for now i guess im just having a run in with a little self doubt and what to see if anyone has ever run into something like this before.I currently live in Milwakee,Wisconsin and i am 6’7 about and still find it hard to get over the fact that i can not apporach a women and just be myself i am just asking for a little advice on how i can make my life a little easier.
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Ms. Guest,
That was a great post. And the nation you describe at the end would be even better, in my mind, if the comment was, “Man that woman in the grey jacket over there in the blue Mini Cooper is red hot!” ‘Coz she is likely to be no more black than I am white or pink (and is there anyone for whom the “flesh-coloured” bandages actually match their flesh colour?).
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I came upon this blog just browsing about IR dating. I am a black woman who has dated her share of white men. Unfortunately the majority of my experiences have not been good. For some reason most of these men have been just about satisfying curiosity with no intention of being seriously involved. This is very hurtful. Siolav, you are so correct on this. We do make good wives and are very family oriented. Guys, you never know what blessing your fears are keeping away from you.
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Sialav you are so right–there is too much dating going on with no intention of marriage. And it is very hurtful. I have dated my fair share of white men only to have it end because they were in it just out of curiosity. I too say get over your fears and if you’re truly diggin’ black women act on it. It just may be the best thing you’ll ever do and you may find your soulmate.
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I would never ever marry a white man unless he had a substantial amount of wealth period.
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I find it extremely tragic that in this day and age american women attribute the tone of their skin to their inability to get a man.I m from London and trust me if someone likes you they like you. Why is it o.k for people to get offended when a man says he prefers dark skinned women to lighter skinned women?As black women are hair colour is predominately dark so obviously we are going to be described by the colour of our skin. We don t see anything wrong with our white sisters being described as blonde; brunette; red head;etc. It s just a matter of preference!I got chatted up by a dark haired grey eyed man– I told him i preferred the blonde blue eyed male. He moved on!
I think in the UK there s a different sort of mind set; you do get the odd hiccups but if your not looking for something you won t see it!
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Siolav, Guest, and SBW1962, you’re awfully predjucdiced and one-sided. I have dated more than my fair share of black women only to have it end because they would not marry a white man. They’ll date white men for sex, money, and connections, but rare is the black woman who wants to get married, especially to a white man. You say that black women make great wives, but my experience is that most black women don’t even want to be wives.
You hear a lot of statistics showing there are more single black women than single black men, or simply more single women than single men. But have you ever looked deeper? Check out the statisistics on the percentage of women who WANT to get married; the number of single women who want to get married actually exceeds the number of men who want to get married. Check out Linda Sunshine’s book on this subject.
“Soulmates,” a documentary film shown recently at the largest black singles ministry in Jacksonville, addressed this very topic. One of their most shocking revelations was that the percentage of black children raised in households where both the mother and father were present, was much higher under slavery than it is today. And, I might add, the percentage of black women having sex with someone who was not her husband was much lower under slavery than it is today.
Sisters, that is not progress. You need to stop playing games and get serious about your relationships.
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I’m a white woman who met a wonderful African American man. We’ve been together almost a year and it’s been quite a surprise that there’s tension on both sides. My mother is quite opposed to the union with the stance of “What if you had children? They’d have no ‘true’ identity”. My father likes him and wants to meet him, saying that he seems like he’s far nicer than the white men I’d previously dated. I’ve found that, in the Northwest, the only men I can find who are 1)spititual 2)Like the same food as I 3)Go to a club and actually *dance* with me 4)Don’t try to put me into a box, are men of color.
I’ve noticed, though, that when we’re out some women of color (NOT ALL) will give us tense stares. The stereotypes of him ‘upgrading’ or my being a ‘phase’ before he settles down with a woman of color are running rampant.
Why can’t it simply be that he’s from Philly and I’m from Dallas and when I cook him black eyed peas greens and cornbread he gobbles it up instead of looking at me like I just served him green eggs and ham (most white men from the north just don’t know what to do with dishes like that). Why can’t it simply be that he’s happy he found a woman that will stay up until 4am playing “Army of Two” on a Saturday night?
He’s labeled as a sell out and I’m scorned for *potentially* birthing children that will have no identity. Then there are the more bigotted remarks from ignorant fools, but I’ll stop there. I’m accussed from ‘stealing’ a ‘good’ black man.
Do women of color face stereotypes when they choose to give a white man a chance romantically? When you go out, is there tension? What are the stereotypes that you face? White men, I’m curious to know what you hear as well.
I’ve never felt this way in my life and it makes me sad that I’m seen as a traitor in the eyes of my race or that one or two not-so-much friends on either side describe the other as a ‘phase’.
I’d love to hear your input.
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