Should you reveal your past? How much?

Posted by James, 25 Oct 07

argue.jpgEveryone has a past. Some of it is great and we spread the gospel about it for the whole world… some of it is better kept in the dark secrets compartment. Much as our experiences may have made us who we are today, we don't necessarily need to shout about all of them from the rooftops.

Eventually however, a new lover is going to start asking questions about your history. Some of your past is straightforward and can be discussed there and then. The other parts of history might be trickier to disclose, so you'll definitely feel the need to be selective about which details to reveal and which should stay in the dark secrets vault.

What should you keep quiet from your new love?

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One question that most people – especially women - push is how many women you've slept with. This is one question you should avoid answering like the plague. There is no good answer to this. If they are too few, she'll feel you're inexperienced. If you’ve slept with too many, she’ll label you a player just looking to add some marks to your bedpost.

Should it matter now that you are together? And what number is acceptable? More than 7 … less than 11?.

Questions about someone’s past relationships will definitely arise coz we use this to try and figure out what kind of boyfriend or girlfriend you are with. How should you handle this dabble in private investigation? Should you give all the details?

Talking about an ex in the early stages of a relationship should be off limits. Your ex isn’t relevant to the new thing you have going on. Later, as you start to find out more about each other, references to past girlfriends should be limited to just a name and probably some fuzzy description of why it ended.

It's important to show that you aren't still emotionally involved in your past relationship so don’t recount every little thing they did to hurt you. “We were heading in different directions᾿ is a better line rather than a deep account of every argument you had.

You might think your misspent youth could provide some stories that will make your lover crack up in laughter, but think carefully about what to tell and what not to. If she's conservative don't tell her about that week you spent in Amsterdam smoked up.

Much as everyone has little adventures in their time, some of these could prove unpalatable to others. As you get to know each other better, you can judge what stories your new lover will find amusing and which stories you should keep buried. Some of us, however, might have some very big events in our past. You can forget about that packing ticket. But what if this big event involves an arrest warrant with your name on it in the next state? I think it’s wise to fess up.

Should you tell about your history of drug abuse, gambling debts, or any other big secret? Well, if you there is a chance this will come back to bite you on the a**, a good move could be to put all your cards on the table and face the consequences here and now.

How about those strippers in Tijuana? That night you went home with the stripper... Those twins in the next dorm at college? These little sex secrets we are proud of don't require bragging about them to mom and certainly not to a new girlfriend or boyfriend either.

Much as you don’t want to appear inexperienced and naive, you also don't want to paint yourself as a morally wrong kind of person. Kinky may be desirable yes, for example, letting your spouse know you're open to light bondage, blindfolds, etc. However, save the sex stories for your buddies. With them, it's all laughs. But see how much you'll be laughing when the new spouse leaves you for being a pervert or when he or she tells you a few stories of their perverted past.

Is covering up the past an ideal way to start a new relationship? Is it the easiest and safest route to take? Whether you choose to neglect to mention some events or just lie about them is up to you. However, some skeletons in the closet that may come back to haunt you should be dealt with. The rest can be swept under the rug - next to all the secrets he or she has been keeping from you.

Tags: relationships, dating, revealing your past

7 responses to "Should you reveal your past? How much?"

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  1.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 06 Feb 10

    That was hillarious! Chris Rock made reference to that in one of his stand-ups, also. He asked guys why they would want to know how many men their girl slept with before them. Any number they give is too many for you. "How many? TWO!?! Man, must've been how you was raised."

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  2.   fenway2k says:
    Posted: 06 Feb 10

    Do You remember that episode of Chappelle's Show in that skit where a couple was asked about the wildest thing they ever did sexually, and the woman confessed that she had sex with three guys at the same time back in college? And remember Dave's response when they asked him the same question? "I guess having sex with ole Gang Bang here." Then he proceeded to break up with her. The defense rests your Honor.

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  3.   fire321 says:
    Posted: 25 Jul 09

    I think you should be honest about your past if it will have an impact on your future with someone. For example: drug use, alcoholism, criminal history, prostitution...things along that line. I don't feel we have the right to take away the other person's option in terms of choosing to be with us because we want to have them in our lives. I'm sure we've all made bad choices in life but what those choices are could have a negative effect on the person we become involved wih.

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  4.   blk_trojan says:
    Posted: 20 Feb 09

    My philosophy is that its not where you've been, but who you are now and where you're going ... the past is the past. Compatibility and good relationship aren't easy to come across everyday, so why ruin a good thing and complicate matters by judging a person for what they where or what they did in the past before meeting you ... it just may be your superficial pride or insecurity that's getting in the way.

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  5.   Member says:
    Posted: 14 Jun 08

    I know you may feel that being too honest can wreck havoc on a realatioship. But I feel (In My Own Opinion) that NOT being up front will hurt a relationship as well. Do you know why? Because. The man that you are with will feel that he won't be able to trust you when it counts. You know the old saying: What's in the dark will soon come to light. I know it's not easy, putting your business out there, air dirty laundry so-to-speak. But you know. In the end, at least you can lay your head down at night knowing that, you were honest. And feel good about it. P.S. mochacrush31, I'm sorry about your friend.

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  6. Posted: 11 Nov 07

    I'm finding that honesty isn't always best. My long term relationship ended with the sudden unexpected death of my boyfriend. I'm emotionally jacked! I feel terribly alone and I am wanting conversation. If things click and we are in the same area I'm good with a movie and a meal. Dutch of course. For me, men respond to my honest profile. Then when they learn that I'm not up for anything more than friendship chat ends, or emails are not responded to. WTH, I'm honest. Is everyone seeking a cutty-buddy?

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  7.   phatkitty says:
    Posted: 27 Oct 07

    I consider myself a very honest person, but i say reveal only when ask. You could talk yourself out of a good relationship. But do reveal important info. such as, health and criminal record, like domestic abuse. And dont forget to add treatment if any. It shows that you are taking care of your "problem." Afterall, all of us live in glass houses. Careful not to throw stones. A dishonest past can turn the most promising relationship sour very easily.

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