Swirling by Christelyn Karazin

The art of attraction isn't just about colour or creed, it's about chemistry and a whole bunch of other things. Swirling author Christelyn Karazon discusses.

Question of the Week: Black Girl Asks, "Why Am I Always the Wing Woman?"

Posted by Christelyn, 09 Jan 13

By Christelyn Russell-Karazin

Co-author of , "Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate, Mixing Race, Culture and Creed" and the editor-in-chief of BeyondBlackWhite.com

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

wing womanI received this note from a young, 20-year-old black American college girl who is spending a semester abroad in Paris. Here's her problem:

I've always been attracted to non-black men, usually white since I was in elementary school. My first crush was on an all-american blond boy name Johnny. Chalk it up to growing up in a rural, all-white town in Connecticut, but I like what I like. However, as I got older and began to seriously enter the dating scene, I would go out with girlfriends to clubs and such. My friends all happen to be white. I guess the situation that I'm struggling with is, why is it whenever I go out, whether it be in France or the US... it is my friends who are constantly hit on while I lay by the wayside? I always end up as the wingman, the leftovers, the "oh that's just my best friend" girl. I know that I'm at least passably pretty, cause in the black community, some guy is always trying to get with me. However, I feel as if I'm going down some deep dark whole questioning, what do I have to do? Am I not thin enough? White enough? My lips too big? What is it?! I feel as if I'm invisible, bordering on sexless and the frustration is slowly mounting.

Take a listen to the advise I give him...

So, Fyooz folks, what advice would you give her?

Have a question you'd like our resident "Swirling" expert to answer? Contact her at christelyn@beyondblackwhite.com

13 responses to "Question of the Week: Black Girl Asks, "Why Am I Always the Wing Woman?""

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  1.   LBT says:
    Posted: 30 May 14

    Obvious answers is sometimes the toughest to accept, swallow it girl, they simply don't find you attractive or their type. Have you tried going out with other girls because as you see, this pattern is not about to change?

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  2.   Katn says:
    Posted: 25 Jan 13

    Maybe we black men gat no love i thought nomatter wat every race have a chioce

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  3.   Projecting says:
    Posted: 17 Jan 13

    Typically the person that ends up being the wingman or wingwoman puts themselves in that position. Maybe a person puts themself in that position consciously or sub-consciously but usually it's an attitude that others in the surroundings pick-up on and they leave that person alone, outside of cordial behavior. There is an element in any race of men that will hesitate to speak to someone outside of their own race. They are acting on their own belief that another person of another race wouldn't be interested in them. I believe it is more common between white males and black females since black females are least likely out of any race or gender to date outside of their own race. Hope this helps.

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  4.   jod212 says:
    Posted: 14 Jan 13

    My dear young woman, I forward this note to you as a 55 year old widow who like you was a "wing woman" to many Black, White, Asian and Mixed girlfriend's before I finally said enough and found my own mojo as it were. I have a feeling you are attempting to gain the approval of these other women and not fully comfortible in your own skin yet. My suggestion is that you slowly begin to tap into who you are now, who and where you want to be and develope the essence of you. In time you will step out of the shadow of these other women and step into what makes you the true essence of you. Once you begin to embrace that, you will begin to manifest your own true vibration and guess what...your going to become a man magnet. Take it from a ugnly duckling who became an accidental swan: I came into my style of dress and grooming that made me comfortible, studied subject that interested me, developed myself professionally and although I am no classic "beauty" my first husband was from a prominent famly, good looking and quite the intellectual. Before me, his previous girlfriend's had been size 4 and 6 white girl's from wealthy family's. I was when we married a size 16/18, wore my hair in it's natural texture and was working on a masters in an obscure scientific dicipline as well as creating a body of work as an artist. I say all of this because it is necessary to be the real you in order to shine through. How else is any man going to see who you for who you really are of you hide behind someone else's beacon. I mention all of this because it is important for you to understand you are uncomfortible because you are becoming aware that you are not fully embracing the potential you. The discomfort you feel is due to the growth you are experiencing and the realization that there is something more out there for you. That "something" is the authentic woman you have yet to fully embrace. Once you are in touch with that essence, you will accompany women friends and not feel in any way the "wall flower" but simply a young woman who chooses to be with other women but never less than them. I hope this helps...take care.

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  5.   cvheiress says:
    Posted: 11 Jan 13

    It is true that a lot of white guy's are actually intimidated by black girls. A majority of my friends are white, and when we go out it's a sea of white people but I am just outgoing and guys are receptive to that and flirt back. you just have to put in a little extra effort and be flirty! And most of all BE CONFIDENT. Black white asian or latina, guy's see confidence and go crazzzy.

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  6. Posted: 10 Jan 13

    A lot of white guys don't think black girls are attracted to them. They go for the easy target. You have to step out of your comfort zone and make a move. You won't be a wing woman if you make yourself the target.

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    • LBT says:
      Posted: 30 May 14

      Really, guys will take the easy meat when the tough cookie turns him down, if she makes it easy, she will get used, stupid advice. Her problem is confusion, she does not know who she is and therefore who she needs to be around to make her feel comfortable, time for some home work girl.

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  7.   blueberry6 says:
    Posted: 10 Jan 13

    One thing I know for certain is that we are what we want to be. The reason why some people are more successful than others in anything they put their mind to, is because they create a plan and stick to that plan. You are pretty, now go on, add confidence. Then if you were going out with two girlfriends, switch to only one, or go out alone. My friend who has lived in France for about five years told me that it is way easier to date a white french guy than anyone else on this planet. She did date some! She is not thin........no, she is very outgoing, social, charming and it works every time. Smile more, flirt alittle, be open with your body language, work on confidence and go to places other than the club and before you know it.......... Good luck!

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  8.   cwill730 says:
    Posted: 10 Jan 13

    My advice is this... When you go out with your girlfriends don't worry about meeting anyone. Go out with your friends and enjoy their company. If an attractive guy or group of guys engage your group in conversation, don't worry about who's pairing off or whose into whom. Just engage the gentleman as if they may be potential friends. If you find them attractive, you may find others in their circle. Expand your circle. Two, do more activities involving your interests. If you like to hike, find a local group in your community where people get together to hike. Men who may find you attractive in a vacuum, may not approach you in club or bar setting, especially if their experience dating interracially is limited. That same gentleman, would probably be more inclined to approach you in a more rejection friendly setting like a book club or hiking club... the shared interests gives him an excuse to talk to you. The positive signals you send out will let him know he should be a man an initiate something further!

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  9.   s1a2m3m4y5 says:
    Posted: 09 Jan 13

    I love white men but I may have to start dating my own color because am convinced that white men love petite black women and am not petite and may never be.but maybe I may find a white man that loves. Me the way I am.

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  10.   arlandf says:
    Posted: 09 Jan 13

    Even though I don't agree with this lady, she does make excellent points. After seeing Selena, I began to like Latinas. When I moved to New Mexico, I had Hispanic friends. When I hang around them I felt like the wingman. I really wanted to Mexican women to notice me. They did like black men out there, but they like the ones that were into hip-hop. Another problem that I had was self-esteem issues. I used my accomplishments to try to get women and that really didn't work out. One point that she made is try to find like minded black women. I don't hang around men of another race. I like to be in the forefront and with other races of your peers, they like to make you seem inferior to them. Second, Be yourself and know who you are. I hate to go on this tangent, but black women has this inferiority complex where if I am not light enough, if my lips is not small enough etc, then I'm ugly. That is a turn off to a lot of men and the men that you will attract is the ones that she mentioned, which she is trying to write off as "all black men". Men know if you are confident or not and it goes beyond race. I am not knocking her choice I truly honor that because she isn't throwing salt on black men. However, she has to know who she really is and try to hang around like minded folks. Oh with black women, in different countries, the black women are different from the American ones. A person like her should hang around them than the American ones unless that are not on BS like the rest.

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    • anita says:
      Posted: 29 Jan 13

      hey Arlandf don't ever write about black woman and inferiority complex. 98% of black women are very much proud of who they are. they dont need light skin. its you black men who have inferiority complex that's why Micheal Jackson bleached his skin to look white.

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