A woman chases a man until she catches him but are you using the right bait to land the fish you want? Join Dr Wright as she reels in the answers with personal development trainer and author Steve Nakamoto.
Today we are talking about what every woman needs to know about catching a man. Our guest today is Steve Nakamoto. He is the author of "Men Are Like Fish"
. This book is packed with universal truth and unique insights about how men fall in love. Well, let me you tell you a little bit about Steve Nakamoto. He is a former communications instructor for Dale Carnegie & Associates and a personal development trainer for peak potential performance expert Anthony Robbins.
So this guy has been trained by the best. His 7-year career in the travel industry as a professional and international tour director has also provided countless opportunities to closely observe the social interactions between women and men.
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His 13 years experience in the retail floral business also gives him a unique perspective on how people play the game of love with flowers, cards and gifts. He is also the author of the Dating Rocks: What every woman needs to know about catching a man.
Thank you for speaking to us today, Steve.
Steve Nakamoto: Thanks for having me on your show Dr. Wright.
Dr. Wright: Listen. The first thing we want to talk about is men are like fish. That is a great metaphor. But what exactly does it mean?
Well, it all started when I - - I know some people use some fishing words and relationship words together in our language when they say, "She landed a husband." He said, "Nice catch." "There is more fish in the sea." Or "I hooked up with the right guy." So I thought well, we are using the metaphor fishing so I thought I would buy the book called Fishing for Love.
And then a lady once told me she said, "Steve, there is an old proverb. A man chases a woman until she catches him." So I thought about well, if she is doing the catching that makes the man the fish. So I thought well, therefore, the woman is the angler and the man is the fish.
So that is another way of looking at it. Because normally, we speak of relationship as a complex thing. And a metaphor is like a one-stop simplifier of concrete ideas. So that is how I came up with that.
Dr. Wright: Okay. It is an idea that we all can understand and get the comparison.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes. The comparisons. A metaphor should take something that is familiar which is catching fish with something really complex like that. I have to admit Dr. Wright some people do not get it. I get emails. "I do not get your book. Well, I say, "Well, okay now."
Dr. Wright: That would have been a really good, nice fishing trip for you.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes, yes.
Dr. Wright: You are almost there. Exactly one day of fishing - -
Steve Nakamoto: I want to do the cartoon edition of this.
Dr. Wright: Yes. Yes. That is it. That is it. Now, you talk about women using the fishing rod. What is the fishing rod?
Steve Nakamoto: Well, the fishing rod - - there is different like parts of this. That is part of the equipment. And the fishing rod is essentially having your self-confidence knowing what is the most important thing. So it is your self-esteem, self-confidence, loving yourself first. So that is where everything starts. In fact, when I am doing - - as I see people on-line, a lot of it goes back to just something basic like that. Because if you do not love yourself how can you expect other people to love you.
Dr. Wright: And then that is an issue with women. We have to make sure our self-esteem is where it supposed to be.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes. It seems like it is more of an issue with women than men. Men seem to get their emotional needs fulfilled more through achievement; so they feel significant. So that is not in place of love but it makes them feel better about what they have done and so they do not have quite the issues that women do.
Dr. Wright: Okay. You also talk about women need to make sure that their bait is powerful. And what is the little things that a woman can do because (inaudible) thinks so differently sometimes we are thinking like a woman and we cannot figure out what a man thinking.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes. Well, bait is a - - in fishing, is what you put out there and what it attracts. And so the more attractive the bait, the more fish you will attract. But also the bait you put out there attracts different fish so there is like a sexy element. I call it like talent. That is a physical appearance of femininity. Lots of it is voice qualities and - -
Dr. Wright: In other words, not having a whiney voice but having a more mellow voice.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes. You attract on a sensory physical level. So that is a part of it. So in Orange County where I live that is a major part of it for younger people. But with that are things that have to do with self-confidence, which would be confidence, your ability to have charm, conversational charm, and common sense and also a certain sexual intrigue. That is what you call like having a lot of game. Yes. That is a personality that captures a man's attention.
Dr. Wright: Okay.
Steve Nakamoto: And then aside from that there are things about the heart and the character. Heart would be more for kindness. Ability to listen, laugh and enjoy yourself. And character is being responsible, honest, not flaky. Being able to handle adversity, not being too dramatic. And just having basic stability.
Dr. Wright: Basic stability is good. Okay. Let us talk a little bit more about the sexual intrigue. That seems to be something that - - a lot of products that are coming at us, that the products will give you that. Is that where a woman can get it from, investing in products?
Steve Nakamoto: Well, she needs to back it up by being the person, too. But there is a sexy element to it. Sexiness is actually more of an attitude. But sometimes people - - a woman have trouble having an attitude if they do not look that way. So I mean, there are things like - - with your skin and your hair and the choice of attire. There are things to highlight; things not to highlight. There are certain colors and fabrics and different things that make a woman look and most importantly feel her best. So those are the things. And then there is a certain way, a way of being feminine about things that is very attractive.
Dr. Wright: Okay. And not trying to be so much one of the guys but actually playing up the fact that you are a woman.
Steve Nakamoto: Right. And that is where the challenge is because a woman needs a multiple roles. A man sometimes can be the same kind of guy a business and in a social life. Be a dominant type; whereas, a woman being an alpha type might - - is probably most to lead an organization as an entrepreneur say. But it may not be the same strategy. She needs to dial it down a notch or two in the social world.
Dr. Wright: When in the social world. Okay.
Steve Nakamoto: Dial it down a notch. She does not have to completely. Because there is actually a certain type of men that like an aggressive woman or (inaudible) woman.
Dr. Wright: Again, it is about the bait attracting certain - -
Steve Nakamoto: Right. The more attractive the more choices you have. Such it is about choices.
Dr. Wright: Okay. Now, you also tell women to let go of the one that got away.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes. That was a big one for me personally. But that is called the story - I let go of the big one that got away is a - - sometimes when a fish, because we are talking about fish that gets away we over rate the size. It gets bigger and bigger the further we are from it. So we remember all the great things and forget the reasons why our relationship did not work. And a guy that does not love a woman cannot be that valuable.
Dr. Wright: Okay. The bottom line is that if he was not in love with you he was not that big of a fish or that great of a catch in the first place.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes. You have to minus some points, shrink some inches if he does not love you back or he - - and not loving you back could be sometimes that they do not appreciate you. So a fish becomes bigger if he appreciates you and likes you. So it is not just the way the guy looks and what he seems, it is also his reaction to you.
Dr. Wright: Okay.
Steve Nakamoto: If he gives back to you.
Dr. Wright: That is very important. I love that. We can depict that section and pass it around that would have helped everybody.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes. We all have it in many different areas of our life but yes, that is true.
Dr. Wright: Okay. Now, you advise women to take up the slack with small talk. And I think some women are afraid of being too talkative because we hear the jokes about she never shuts up.
You know the blabbermouth. Well, yes. One of the things - - this is part of my Dale Carnegie training especially, is to be brief. And so you do not want to have long, uninterrupted stories. And if you do have to tell a story it is good to preface it. Say, "I have got a quick story. Do you have a moment?" Something like that. You do it in sales a lot. Several times you realize that you can only talk so long without involving your audience.
So I say have something good to say. Learn to say it well. Say it with the proper emotion. Learn the kind of things you should not say particularly on your first couple of meetings. Do most of your focus on listening. I think you want to make it a kind of a balance kind of thing. And then also monitor your volume and tone control. So it is for good listening. So that is again, one of the sensory things, the audio channel. Make sure that you speak at speed that is enjoyable; different pitch, different rhythm, different speed, those things.
Dr. Wright: And be able to change it and understand what is going on in that particular environment.
Steve Nakamoto: Right. With that person under those circumstances and to seek the balance because you want to involve the other person to. So you have to watch your audience. If they are fidgeting and not paying attention, it is not working so you kind of have to change it.
Dr. Wright: So really be alert and really watch out. Okay. I love what you have in your book called the principles of highly elusive men. So I would love to go over each one of those.
Steve Nakamoto: Okay.
Dr. Wright: Number 1, you say, highly elusive men love the chase.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes. That is part of the habits that they have. The men love to chase but it is up to the woman to catch. So for - - a woman has to know her role and to play it well. So throw out your bait, make him catch but he has got to be pursuing you. If he is not pursuing you, he is not interested. So you do not want to be chasing him, you will scare him away. So that is just the basic principle, keep in mind.
Dr. Wright: Do you think that is really a hard one for woman to get if I get it, if he is not pursuing you just move on to the next one?
Steve Nakamoto: For some, yes. A very assertive woman have - - if they are in sales or in some other thing, they are conditioned to go in for what they want. They can go for what they want but they - - it needs to be in the perception that the man is chasing. So she positions herself and she may make the first move for a shy guy but it is important that she gauges his movement toward her. I think that makes sense.
Dr. Wright: That makes total sense (inaudible). Number 2, you say, highly elusive men seek the most attractive bait first.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes. That is important to know. It is relative. In the short term, the woman that has the most talent and game, which I talked about earlier, usually wins. But over time the heart and character shows up. So a woman needs to make her - - like we said, the bait as attractive as possible. So it is important that she be outstanding at some thing and not really poor at anything. But that is what - - if you are poor at something it might scare him away. But have something - - you have to win with your strengths so you have to develop some sort of strength. How you look, how you move, how you interact.
Dr. Wright: Okay.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes.
Dr. Wright: Then you say highly elusive men fall off the hook easily.
Steve Nakamoto: Well, this is a - - we say highly elusive men; these are the men that are we call the big fish. They are the ones that women want the most. So their attention spans are short. And they also have lots of choices. Not just in women but in other activities. Because they are probably if they are really big fish I am sure work is a big part of their life.
Dr. Wright: Right.
Steve Nakamoto: So in order to get their attention you have got to - - you have to be kind of special. So that is - -
Dr. Wright: You have to really been almost the level of satisfaction that again you talked about earlier that they are getting from accomplishment in their work.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes. Yes. And so the smart or I call the enlightened angler needs to know that. But you fall off the hook easily means you cannot be boring, so be good at the small talk.
Dr. Wright: Okay. Highly elusive men get spooked easily. And again, perhaps you are talking about our faults or you are talking about - -
Okay. Spooked easily. Spooking is a thing of fishing where it is a slightest move scares a fish. Slightly - - anything that is unnatural. And without explanation. So here is a typical thing. On the first date, a woman is trying real hard and the man to be nice to each other during dinner. And then the woman makes a big scene at the table and is mad at the waiter and real rude to him. And then she proceeds to be really sweet to the guy she is with. Well, he notices it, and that kind of spooks him away.
So many things are - - like even economics, like people feel like uncomfortable like if she is driving a clunker or lives in a dump or something like that or dresses really sloppy. That might - - he might see that. And she might not be like that all the time, and I am referring to dressing sloppy, but he might like that is not the right time to do that in the beginning.
Dr. Wright: Right. And I know lot of women who do not try to pick up at the gym because they know that that is not their best time of looking. They are there to work out and they want to look more attractive than that.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes. And then some of these things spooking are - - they are not good or bad they are just weird things. Like if you watch Seinfeld, the woman had huge hands; or the woman who would not laugh. She just said, "Oh, that is funny." So that is weird when something has like no sense of humor.
Dr. Wright: Okay. Those are a few words was quite important in dating, I think.
Steve Nakamoto: Well, here is one. There is one more I will just say that women like if she has too many cats running around the house.
Dr. Wright: Well, more than one is probably too many.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes. Guys do not like cats too much. And so they go over there and this cats crawling over and he just do not go back and she would never know why. But the explanation is they get spooked.
Dr. Wright: Okay. There is too many cats in there. Most people like cats. They have that cat smell and they do not know about it. I have one person that I know. She does have a lot of cats; dogs, cats and everything, family and everything. But her house is the cleanest smelling house ever but she is the only person I know that was able to do that.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes.
Dr. Wright: A word to the wise. Okay. You also say highly elusive men fear the net.
Yes. Well, fearing the net. The net is being caught so they would not - - a (inaudible) fishy man is not desperate. Because there are some people that just "I have got to get married." "I got to find somebody." "No matter what, I just got to get married." But once we have choices, they are going to fear the net because they do not want to be committed to someone they are not sure is the one.
So a woman has to realize that some men after a while are a little bit commitment phobic because they are just - - they have got so used to say no at that point. So I just said that they have to play. Play a man into the net. So you have to play - - you have to cut him some slack, reel him in slowly and always (inaudible).
And actually convince him that being in the net, which is being married, and is much better than swimming along aimlessly in their life. That is just the part because women sometimes just say, "I got him hooked. I got him." And that is not really true. There is a lot can go wrong between falling in love and getting married.
Dr. Wright: Okay. Like I say they can follow (inaudible) easily.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes.
Dr. Wright: Okay. And this one I was really surprised to see on the list. Highly elusive men will die after being caught?
Steve Nakamoto: Unfortunately, this is kind of an American man kind of thing is they make the woman the object of their desire. And once they have got her they check that off their list. Okay. Now I am going to go work harder or I got to do this. And I am going to hang out with my buddies. And so a woman is very confused because he was chasing so hard in the romantic infatuation phase.
Dr. Wright: Okay.
Steve Nakamoto: And then it gets into the part where he feels all stable, then men get lazy. I know that from being a florist because we used to have people with their sweetheart and then they - - we get their wedding order. And then they disappear.
Dr. Wright: And then no more flowers.
Steve Nakamoto: (inaudible) no more flowers.
Dr. Wright: Maybe when the baby is out they get that one order.
Steve Nakamoto: Yes. Actually this one guy over again so "I got divorced." So it is he again. So the men only try - - they die romantically.
Dr. Wright: Okay.
Steve Nakamoto: Sad but true.
Dr. Wright: Sad but true. That is such a great insight. I think that women will really benefit from this. Your books are available at amazon.com?
Steve Nakamoto: Yes. Both of them Men Are Like Fish and Dating Rocks. Amazon is the best because they have the 32% discount and if you buy like 2 books there is no shipping charge.
Dr. Wright: Okay.
Steve Nakamoto: There is also, believe it or not, at Amazon there is less handling of the book. When they are in the bookstores people (inaudible).
Dr. Wright: Yes. We try to read and get out and (inaudible).
Steve Nakamoto: Yes. They should be call "used books."
Dr. Wright: Well, it is so great to have you. Thank you so much. Also, tell us about your website?
Steve Nakamoto: IT is menarelikefish.com. You spell out, M-E-N-A-R-E-L-I-K-E-F-I-S-H.com.or dating rocks; D-A-T-I-N-G-R-O-C-K-S.com. and I have other books. I recommend - - I have a sample of like every chapter and so there is things that are of interest and it is a free site.
Dr. Wright: Free site. Thank you so much for joining us.
Steve Nakamoto: Thanks a lot Dr. Wright. It was a lot of fun.
Dr. Wright: All right. Bye.
Steve Nakamoto: Bye.
Dr. Wright: This has been brought to you by IDC dating.com, where cultural relationships are made every day. We hope you really learn from this. Thank you so much for joining us. Remember ignoring one's conscience is neither safe nor right. I will see you next time.
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