Married but lonely

Posted by James, 22 Jul 07

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays᾿... Anonymous :lol:

That is what marriage is all about for some. There I so much loneliness in marriage. You are together and yet so alone. It’s kind of like sleeping with the enemy. If your spouse was drowning and you had to choose, would you go to a movie or go to their rescue?

I happened to ask a few of my boys that question and got some shocking answers. A colleague said, “I would get a loan and go to Hawaii on holiday." And with that, he stressed his point, “NO JOKE!᾿ Another one said he would drink himself crazy… not sure if it’s in celebration or sorrow. I think you can figure that one out.

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If someone can say this about the same person they were once crazy about… the one they couldn’t live a day without… what does this reflect?

Someone said if you want to know the true meaning of marriage, ask someone who has been married over 25 years. Well I decided to embark on a small journey of truth and I discovered what I would like to call ‘lonely married hearts’. That’s what most couples are. And most would take a little more time at the show, to make sure their spouse is dead… never to return; then go for that movie or the beer binge.

One of the people I interviewed said, their passion died slowly and sex has become impossible… eventually are just housemates that share a house or room if lucky… same way you share one with a stranger you dislike during some seminar… only in the case of a seminar, you at least get to exchange notes. “And don’t even get me started on the show we put up with when visitors are around.᾿

A dude who has been married for 32 years revealed to me that they have been having marital problems for the last 29 years. Only the first 3 were good. It all began her wife found her talking to his ex at the bus stop one evening. And ever since that day, whenever they have an argument, reference to ‘that prostitute’ usually surfaces.

Asked what he would do if she threatened to leave him, he smiled coyly then said “I would not even wait to ascertain whether she was joking or not. I would go to the movers, hire them with pleasure, and even tell them to carry whatever she needs; GLADLY!!! With all our children gone, there is nothing we have in common… not even the room. And she doesn’t even give me enough food.᾿

So what makes such couples live with such loneliness for so long? Does this partly explain why there are so many women in church than men; and so many men in the pubs and other watering holes?

A pal of mine – married for only 5 years – said to me, “James, when I go home drunk, I just go home to sleep. Whatever my wife says don’t bother me coz truth is, I hardly follow.᾿ His wife is treasurer of the church choir. And the only time he spends home is when the wife is in church, when he is drunk, or when nursing some crazy hangover.

Kinda sounds like a warning: ‘If you are scared of being lonely, DO NOT MARRY’ But when you visit the married for a few days, they all seem so happy… its hard to tell. Only those who belong there seem to know what they sit on.

So does this mean that the happily married ones have won some Oscar Awards? Does this mean that a couple’s bliss ends with the wedding; and honeymoon for the lucky ones?

If this is true, and people decided to get out of their marriages once trouble checks in, then there would be no married people left standing together.

Tags: unhappily married, unhappily ever after, lonely in marriage

4 responses to "Married but lonely"

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  1.   Member says:
    Posted: 19 May 09

    Looking for short term or long term relationship to the opposite sex you must be trust yourself and ask anything about her/him. Make sure you love him/her when it comes to relationship. You may stick to one person and understand her or him vice versa. Show your feelings, give your time so that your relationship will last. When it comes to relationship, age doesnt matter but if its up to you if you fight your love/feelings to her or him.

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  2. Posted: 13 Sep 08

    Well, I see what the author is saying. HOWEVER, marriage is what the two parties involved make of it. I am a divorced woman and although I had a HORRIBLE marriage, I still believe in marriage. Marriage requires a lot of hard work, self sacrifice and compromise. But many times we are so selfish and focusing on our own needs that we don't see we're slowly but surely killing our unions. Many people, whether in marriage or long term relationships, stop doing the things we did to get the other person. That is our first mistake. In the beginning people date about 2-3 per week; give great gifts; take fun, spontaneous trips, go to movies and plays on the regular, and have sex at least 4 times per WEEK (sometimes even more). But that all changes the longer you stay with someone and I don't understand why? If people would actually INCREASE (myself included) the level of commitment and time they did in the beginning then we wouldn't run into this problem in marriages and relationships. Yes, life happens, but love, true love is so hard to find, then why not work your azz off to keep your relationships fresh and exciting? I've heard someone say before, "Well, it shouldn't take all of that!" Ummmmmm...why not? Anything worth having is worth fighting for and putting in overtime hours. People advance their careers everyday by going to school for an extended length of time. They work long hours just to get a promotion that will net only an additional 2K, yet that very same person will not stop off at the florist to take their wife/partner a dozen of their favorite flowers "just because." They forget the anniversary or birthday. So, I say the state of relationships today is because many people are lazy and just don't want to put in the time required to make a great relationship.

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  3. Posted: 15 Aug 07

    This blog is really telling the truth. It is a sad reality but this is how it is. Inevitably, it takes two to make a relationship but it is normally one person who love or sacrifec for that other person and this is when the beginning of draining and pulling that person so much that there is nothing left but a plea to get out of the relationship.

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  4.   hiimsteph says:
    Posted: 23 Jul 07

    wow This article is so very depressing, I might be getting married in a few years, this is not something I'd want to come across. I just want to be a good wife this might be true for a lot of couples, I hope im not one of them.

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