Loving in parents’ shadow
Ever found yourself doing the very things your mother or father did – even those things you promised yourself that you would never ever do?
In her book “Women Who Love Too Much”, Robin Norwood argues that human beings learn how to love or accept love by observing their parents of the same sex. We learn from their feelings and actions what it means to be a man or woman.
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In an interview with Oprah, R and B singer Mary J. Blige said she grew up in a home of loud and bitter women, who would never stop to a man chastisement. Here is what she told Oprah:
Before I dropped out of high school, the principal once asked me why I'd gotten in trouble. I said, "Because I don't take no shit." One night earlier, I'd heard my mother say that very sentence—and it was that attitude that later destroyed me. I always felt I had something to prove—because "Mary J. Blige don't take no shit." – Oprah Talks to Mary J. Blige
She revealed that she followed suit which landed her in bad relationships that ‘allowed’ her to be bitter and loud – until of course she realized what it was doing to her and changed her outlook on men and life.
If mummy took in as much sh** and abuse from daddy, most women find themselves doing the same thing. Women consciously learn from their mothers how they ought to be treated or treat men in their lives. This also happens to men. A friend of mine used to complain about his father beating up his mummy and he really hated it. Irony is, he ended up doing the same to his girlfriends.
One lady lost all respect in her mother and promised herself never to take sh** from a man. But when she got to her 20s, the only men she dated were abusive to her either emotionally or verbally. She nearly got married to a man who was the exact copy of her father. She got beat up by the guy but surprisingly that was the longest relationship she has ever had.
Even when we choose to do the opposite of what our parents did, sometimes it ends in heartache because we try too much not to be like them and end up losing ourselves while at it.
If someone grows up in a family where the parents were alcoholics or never there and is forced to shoulder the responsibility of taking care of the other siblings, that person is likely to fall for partners who never grow up; partners who need constant care. And if it’s a home filled with suspicion of infidelity, the person may have trust issues, no matter how many faithful people he or she meets along the way.
Take a reflective look on your life coz where you come from will point you to what you are today. Don’t let the ordeals of your childhood define who you become. Seek help and deal with the past coz it might cost you finding true love and happiness.
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