Interracial dating: Can we really shelve race?

Posted by James, 23 Feb 10

Most of us like to think we are beyond race. We like to see our interracial relationships in a race-free vacuum. This is not the case with Cl; an Asian woman dating a white man. Here is what she says:

The question that I've been struggling with recently is how much of my attraction to him is motivated by race. I don't know if I find him more attractive because he's white and dating him makes me seem less ethnic…

Do I find him more attractive than the average Asian American male because he's white, and I have the underlying belief that white is beautiful? How much of my attraction to him has to do with the fact that being with him represents a climb in social status, or that maybe I'm attractive enough to be with a white guy? That I'm attractive enough to "overcome" my Asian-ness? How much of it affects his attraction to me? Is he with me because I'm Asian, but I run counter to his subconscious assumptions about Asian women? Maybe it’s because I'm not what he would've expected an Asian woman to be like, that I'm more interesting and intriguing and unique to him. Would I have been less interesting to him if I had been white?

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

...I wonder what other people expect when he mentions his girlfriend and an Asian girl shows up. I wonder what they think. I wonder how I come off to other people of color… Race isn't something that I get to just shelve and pull down every once in a while and think about. I live it and deal with it constantly. - Cl, guest writer, Stuff white people do blog.

There are those of us who are in interracial relations because of mere attraction and love that grew from friendship. Question is: Can we in interracial relationships run away from race? Do you find yourself constantly questioning your interracial attraction even when you believe you are not attracted to that person because of their race? Are you sure your partner knows that their race doesn’t matter to you?

37 responses to "Interracial dating: Can we really shelve race?"

Leave a reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

  1. Posted: 21 Jul 10

    A man after my own heart there sam......appreciate your view...(not only because I share it)....you represent a growing number of people that are sick of the nonsense. Peace and Blessings tatted2death

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
    • yappa says:
      Posted: 07 Dec 10

      Since I can't seem to just post here to the generai article at the top, I'll post a reply here. I have a real problem with 'trend's in I/R dating, and we ALL know what those trends are (and those who say they don't either have their heads in the sand and/or are guitly of following these trends for their own racist or self-hating reasons. Especially in a city lke NYC where I live, you'd expect to see a wide range of I/R couples. But of course, the most 'popular' are AFs wiht white males or else other NON asian males. the next common is black males with non-black females. I love when I hear asian women bemoan this supposedly rampant yellow fever when 9 times out of 10, the women who are the most vocal about it are THEMSELVES dating NON asian men. But somehow, they just know that THEIR man doesn't have a fetish. I suspect that in fact these women go on and on about this fetish, to PLANT the idea in everybody's minds...that only MEN can do the chasing or fetishizing. Then no one will think to question HER and HER motives for dating him. Which came first....do all these men really have asian fetishes, or maybe did some of them figure out that the asian women like THEM so much, that it takes little to no effort to get an asian woman, so long as you are a non asian male? Why is there never a discussion about WHITE fetish...i guess because only white people can be racist? and what about all those black ball players? how so many of them just 'happen' to have a 'preference for white or asian or otherwise light skinned wives? Please. To them, a light skinned woman just goes wiht the teriryory along with the lexus, the rolex the big mansion etc and who are the people who say shit like "i've had nothing but bad relatoinshpi with the opposite gender of my race", as if to explain why they seeked out another race? talk about a total copout. if all you had were nothign but bad experiences, you need to look at YOURSELF. Something about you got you into those relationships. I would never ever paint all the men of my race as 'bad', just because of one or two bad experiences. and if all I had were BAD experiences, I'd have the wherewithall to realize that maybe I need professional counseling to figure out WHY I always end up with bad guys. Just like the woman who finds herself in one abusive relationship after the other after the other. You wouldn;t think that she's got some serious self-esteem issues, if that's the ONLY knd of man she ever ends up with ??!! I think I/R dating in the general sense is a greaet thing, but so long as I continue to see obvious TRENDS, it just shows me that there is a lot of racial stereotyping gong on, and alot of self-hate, whereby some people see white as 'status symbol' mates. Pay attention next time you see Grey's Anatomy, or especially The Practice. Every single asian female on the show has ALWAYS been shown with a NON asian male, even if the asian woman is appearing on the show for one time as just a pregnant patient. Talk about some messed up shit. And the poor asian male? Hardly ever shown on TV, never mind with any kind of a love interest, especially a NON asian one!

      Like or Dislike: or 1 (-1)
      Reply to this comment
  2.   sam says:
    Posted: 10 Jul 10

    I think that we should over haul the whole friggin consept of race. I mean from the universities, from science, from wikipedia, from everywhere. From schools, movies, everywhere... I seriously believe that there is just one human race. We are just different lookin. Ok, I'm hairy and short, fat and wide, BUT dark hair and brown eyes, even though I'm finn. I'm not blonde, tall or anything like that. What that makes me?? And yet, my ancestors have lived in Finland, according some church records, at least four,five centuries. So what race I am? I'm not stereotypical finn, or even your "chalk white" white dude. A good example from the days in NYC: I could and did walk all over the place. Nobody ever spotted me as a foreigner, out of the neighborhood or anything else. Only once in Black Harlem one guy said to me: "you're not around from here, are you? I saw you lookin that city map". Few times people came to speak spanish to me. Well, I can't speak spanish so I answered in finnish, which got curious looks. But what is this race thing? Who wants us to separate us from each other? Why we must be aware that you are indian-jamaican-irish-scottish-nigerian-greek-turkish-lebanese-swede and I am finnish-russian-kenyan-chinese-japanise-english-canadian-american-french-martian? I don't think we need that information. It does nothing for us. Instead of races we could talk just looks. Ok, you're dark skinned and I'm whiter than talcum powder. Ok, you're tall and I am short. People in Brazil, I mean, what race are they? Every-which-one-there-is race??

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  3. Posted: 18 Jun 10

    @ Interesting, Thanks

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  4.   Interesting says:
    Posted: 18 Jun 10

    To: MzBrOwNSuGaR Thanks for your response. Possibly the education, career, and the people I frequently engage with socially are in that environment. It happened over many years. I am involved with women of color (upper class) in my community as well as I am involved with other women of the upper class in my community. I can't really place a reason. These are just possibilities.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  5.   PetiteChick says:
    Posted: 18 Jun 10

    @MinaG You stated: "Race is an issue only in America not in my heart because I find the Black people, more beautiful than my race." This is correct. However, other socities aside from American culture are inclined to take on and seek to have similar features of Caucasians. India itself has a caste system. This system being based on the lighter your skin tone the "better" you are. In other areas of the Asian continent, I have read reports where women want to have their eyes fixed so that they can look more "eurocentric." This inherent belief by many peoples that Eurocrentric features are ideal permeates the world to some degree and not just the United States. As to the term "trailer trash" this is a term Whites use to describe each other who are less fortunate than themselves. Blacks have their own choice words to do the same. Race is NOT just an issue in America. There is a race problem in France (the slums where Blacks live) and other parts of the world as well.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 ()
    Reply to this comment
  6. Posted: 18 Jun 10

    @ free33 : How veryyyyy handsome you are

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  7. Posted: 18 Jun 10

    @ Interesting: I enjoyed reading your post, especially the part about GOD will give us the desires of our heart, the catch being if we seek HIM first. I think choosing celibacy is not only a way to save yourself for your mate, but more important, a way to honor GOD and his principles. I wish you much happiness. One thing I might ask, why is it you are in a an all white enviroment? Geographics? Upper class segregation? Just curious.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  8. Posted: 18 Jun 10

    I did not read all the comments, but I am happy to see the number if intellegent responses. Many younger people are not secure with themselves. Questioning your own decisions based on the feelings of peers and family is common. Especialy if you did not have the benefit of growing up in a secure environment. I suffered from lack of self confedence for many years because of abuse as a child. As a teacher I see it in students. Bless the parents that teach their children to be comfortable with themselves. Life is so much easier when we know ourselves and trust our own decisions. It is good to question ourselves to a point, but when a person knows they are making the best decisions based on their own inner beliefs, then they can take responsibility for their own actions.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  9.   Interesting says:
    Posted: 08 Jun 10

    I believe in God first and foremost in my life. Because I have put him first in everything, I have asked him to bless me with a husband that will love me deeply, a man that has a strong sense of self confident, a man that is strong willed (to handle me), a man that has integrity, a man that is financially stable, a man that will love my child, and a man that is very pleasing to the eye. I told God that I didnt care what color this husband would be. I meant every bit of that. Not only did he bless me with all I ask, but he gave me a younger man that met all of the criteria that God (himself agreed with) knew would make us a loving and passionate couple. My man is Caucasian and I am Black. I am never concerned about his race at all. He is everything I asked for and then some. My girlfriend did attempt to compare some of our relationship challenges with if he was Black would you have. I continued to inform her that I dont see a difference in our colors. All I see is that I am in love with this man and he loves me, and these challenges occur in any couple that is rearing up for a permanent relationship. I guess I could say that I am very comfortable living in the Caucasian environment. So, there is no issue with fitting in. I am usually the only Black woman in the environments I frequent. I am an educated and professional woman. I would like for all women who are reading this message to know that men who are looking for long term relationships are attracted to what you put out. For instance, your spirit, your personality, your character, your intelligence, and yes you must be attractive to him. All of these things add up to attraction. I was a size 12 and flabby when I met him on the tennis court and I sized down to a 4 after rediscovering my love for tennis. In essence, my size was not a problem for him and he is handsome. My man and I have not had physical intimacy. But he makes love to me all the time through his actions. My man can teach some men how to make love to a woman without touching her and she will fall deeply in love with him. We have been dating for one year. We will not have physical intimacy until the marriage night. Ladies, I truly believe in sexual purity. I have been celibate for 12 years now. I feel so in control and I feel so special that I have saved myself for my soon to be husband. Believe me, he loves it as well. What man doesnt want to have a sexual pure (I consider a 12 yr celibacy as a rebirth of sexual purity) woman for his wife that saved it for him? A man that truly and deeply loves you will wait and he will not ask you. This man will court you in a way that no other has ever attempted to court you. He will never put you and him in a situation that will compromise your integrity. This is a God generated love. He gave me the desires of my heart because I am faithful to him. Seek God first in all things, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  10.   Rocky says:
    Posted: 27 May 10

    I don't see race as an issue when it comes to love. I felt a deep connection for this person who is of Hispanic origin the moment I worked with him. I am an asian female and I fell in love with this person because of the instant mutual attraction, he felt the instant connection too.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  11.   FurryJeans says:
    Posted: 15 May 10

    The only race issue that matters, and should matter, is your partner a member of the human race.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  12. Posted: 18 Mar 10

    hey ichi, long time...about the race thing, sick as it is, it is as bad or worse in Asia as in America, and that is sad...years ago when I moved there, that was the biggest cultural shock I had. I wish we could drop all labels the tint racial intolerance, including "people of color" and get on to what is important...loving one another.Like free33 said,my mother never raised me to see race either, so it really was a shock to me when I went to school,& found that people did.I can see someone living someplace & being tired of being presumed to be some group or another, & thus placed in someone's conception of how "those" people are. As for me, I couldn't even tell you what attracts me to someone else, be it as friends, or as a potential lover or more.Though I have a very difficult time identifying myself as American,(besides my Mum was African)people see me & decide my ethnicity for me.If this woman is that hung up on how people see both her & her lover, she really needs to think about things, maybe starting by finding an honest mirror, or one without glass.I have never met any Chinese that seemed to think, any race was superior to them. I suppose there might be, and I am certainly aware of anti-Asian discrimination, but, I think every group has people pretty good at that. Are we not at this spot to get past that.I don't have a picture posted.I bet a lot of people think I look like scum.(LOL) Sure, I have preferences, or my genes might, but,I have never found an ethnic group that didn't have someone, that sure seemed attractive to me. And no,I'm not a player, I just don't care where you come from. It is the ability to live together and trust that concerns me, other than I am much more turned on by slim & petite. Honesty counts.Trust counts. Tolerance counts. And someone would have to be a little crazy to be with me.Just be. "But,it just might be a lunatic you're looking for." Viva la difference.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  13.   cyrilg says:
    Posted: 17 Mar 10

    I couldn't agree with Free33 more. So many intelligent and earnest people in this country falling for a sack of ___vis a vis mating choices. Every marriage is has a racial component. If you marry someone of the same racial background you can be said to be making a race-based choice. Every relationship has both a physical and a metaphysical component. The wonderful thing about the physical part is that it is not open to criticism. If you prefer this or that look or skin color Hallelujah and who's to judge?! If someone is in the habit of making unwise choices re the spiritual aspect of a prospective partner, do you really think the " skin color factor" is the place to look? I doubt it. That person is just not ready to choose the right person whatever the Other's skin color may be. The problem in America is that we are obsessed with race. Period. The problem may have begun with history, but it can only end in the crucible of our minds.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  14. Posted: 17 Mar 10

    MinaG u are right. Most people are cowards and are afaird. I love a woman not because of her color, and not because of her hair, or her ass, or her eyes or her personality. If I love a woman it is becuase who she is not because who she is not or the sum of her parts. Those parts are important but that is not who she is. She is not a ass, or eyes or black or white but a woman. I love white women and Chinese women just as much if not more than black women.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  15.   MinaG says:
    Posted: 17 Mar 10

    Dear Kalynada, I`ve got some hate mails from, short, fat and ugly White American men and I reported them. Well Dear Racist people, I`m a college graduated, European woman and not over weight nor desparate (As you see my recently taken pictures) happen to live in America and interested in good looking, Black American Men. It`s about me Black American ladies & White American men, not you. It`s also not some act againts you. If you are not fan of to interracial realtionship, you are at the wrong website. About 10 days ago, I was talking to my German friend about White and Black Americans eating habits at the small and cheap Greek restaurant. There was a good looking, young Black American girl, she jumped on me because she said, I quote "You can`t call people black, you are racist". I grew up with discrimination againts to woman. I am always on the victim side but I don`t like bullies. First of all, it wasn`t a public speech, just talking to my friend second of all how am I going to describe it? African American, Black American? Everybody seems offend it anytime, anyhow. When people call me white, it`s ok, why I can`t say black? I have nothing to do with unfortunate American history. Race is an issue only in America not in my heart because I find the Black people, more beautiful than my race. There is an expression "White trailer trash", is there any expression as a Black version. Because When you date with black men you are a white trailer trash (I never even seen one single trailer yet, is it so bad looking thing?) but if it`s other way around, I don`t hear anything. They say Black men use white women just for sex. I have a question, when you go out with black men, don`t you sleep with them? I thought all healthy relationships built based on the good sex because we are all sexual people. Did you know accidently I bought shampoo and hair conditioner for black women for 2 years because people who worked at the beauty section couldn`t tell me it`s for Black women, not women like me who has a long, very straight hair!!! One of them whisper to me finally after 2 years, this is for "Etnic" women. it writes there "color of the woman" and I color my hair :)) Just break your shells and fly away from America, see the other countries and meet different people. Life is too short to be vengeful. Peace and hapiness

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  16.   Kalynada says:
    Posted: 16 Mar 10

    "Asian culture is different as is any other and acceptance of dating or marrying outside the nationality has more to do with culture and western civilization than anything else." Perhaps, but I still agree with Ichibod that most of what the original poster is worried about stems not from "cultural differences", but straight up racism (believing whites to be superior to her own race). After all, what is it about Asian culture (or rather, whatever culture in East Asia she identifies with) that could makes her wonder "How much of my attraction to him has to do with the fact that being with him represents a climb in social status, or that maybe Im attractive enough to be with a white guy? That Im attractive enough to overcome my Asian-ness?" ? MinaG, "If you are member of this website, you are not a racist anyway. You signed up here because you want to meet other race of people other wise why are you here?" I disagree for three reasons: 1. It is possible to be racist against your own race. 2. One could join this site for the purpose of dating certain races, but exclude others because they are racist against them. Please note that I don't mean that if you prefer to date certain races, that makes you a racist. In fact, I'm sure the vast majority of people with such preferences are not racists. However, it is a possible motive for making such exclusions. 3. One can be a racist against certain races but still be attracted to members of the opposite sex in those races- or worse, simply want to have sex with them. Consider all of the biracial children fathered by slave masters in the USA. (This is all besides the fact that it's possible for racists to join the site for the express purpose of deceiving and hurting those of us who are on here "for real." Hopefully, that is very rare or nonexistent on this site, but all dating websites have scammers.)

    Like or Dislike: or 0 ()
    Reply to this comment
  17.   MinaG says:
    Posted: 16 Mar 10

    If you are member of this website, you are not a racist anyway. You signed up here because you want to meet other race of people other wise why are you here? It`s an "Interracial Dating" web site....

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  18.   nitaj says:
    Posted: 16 Mar 10

    you all have made some valid points. But consider where this young woman is coming from and her ethnicity, I agree that she should have confidence and date whomever she wants because she wants to. However, family and culture does help to shape our thinking about ourselves and the world around us-which does include other ethnicities. Race- there is only 2 to be truthful-that of Jew and Gentile. But that is another debate. As part of the "human" race we have the right to be with whomever we choose. Asian culture is different as is any other and acceptance of dating or marrying outside the nationality has more to do with culture and western civilization than anything else. What we have to do is allow mercy to triumph over judgment and make sure we are not standing in a place of ridicule and condemnation. I really believe that if it is your first time out with dating outside your nationality, you have had some of the same concerns or questions if you be honest. CI was just honest enough to put it out there. I was in 6th grade the first time I noticed that I liked a little boy who was a "different" color and ethnicity than me. And no one told me it was a problem until he and I walked to the ice cream parlor together in 1972 and the people in this Italian neighborhood wanted to know what the heck was up. I did not allow that to stop me from engaging in relationships of all kinds with all kinds of people and that came from my parents who instilled pride and confidents in me and my siblings. We were just as good if not better than anyone else. But having friends of different nationalities does provoke thought and as I got older and could reason more so based on world views, religious views, ethnic views, family views, and so on. I have concluded in the last 3 decades, that who I am and what I am is not based on who I date or marry (they attribut to me as a whole person) but, it is more about who I am and what I desire for my life. And it goes further that skin color. So bravo to CI, keep asking the hard questions and checking your motives for being in relationship, with all people, for it is that self truth that will set you free and eventually lead you to a honest loving relationship with whomever you choose. Remember, to your ownself be true!

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  19.   free33 says:
    Posted: 13 Mar 10

    Marousia I was referring to the original poster ONLY!!!!!

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  20.   free33 says:
    Posted: 13 Mar 10

    penname NUFF SAID

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  21. Posted: 09 Mar 10

    Well, I don't really have much to add to marousia's comments. Yeah penname, the criticism has been directed at the pattern of thinking described in the article, not interracial dating in general. As she had put it earlier "Lets face it, there are a myriad of reasons why people choose to date and marry inter-ethnically and it often comes down to PERSONAL preferences, period. The key word being, PERSONAL. Again, her questions are valid because they exist quite often on the inside of people, but I think its important to get to the answers not only for yourself but also in order to be fair to your significant other. Yes, be introspective and have some idea of what youre doing, but beyond that dont feel you have to JUSTIFY it. Hey, the bottom line is you like what you like, whatever that happens to be and thats really about it" A very sophisticated view.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  22.   marousia says:
    Posted: 09 Mar 10

    Re: Penname's Post: Succinctly, I have to say that you must be reading a TOTALLY DIFFERENT THREAD because I don't see in any of the above posts, mine or anyone else's, where anyone indicates that to choose to date interracially or (as I like to say inter-ethnically) means that one is racist or has self-hatred. I don't see anyone saying that because one is involved inter-ethnically that they must be psychologically disfunctional. Where in the world did you get that? I would say that with the exception of the Asian lady who posted first, everyone else seems pretty confident about their choice to date, love, marry, etc., inter-ethnically. So, no you have obviously, not been assessing properly the "tenor" as you put it of this thread. We are all pretty much in agreement it seems, as well as very positive. -M

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  23.   penname says:
    Posted: 08 Mar 10

    Okay...Now this is getting kind of stupid and I have to chime in... So, if I'm following the general tenor of this thread, then my preference for women of color is inherently (because I'm white) racist or self hatred or some other stupid thing? There's some dysfunctional psychological reason why I have that preference? That's simply ridiculous. Could it just be that I am sexually attracted to dark-skinned women? Could it just be that sometimes opposites attract? There's nothing racist at all in that. Come on! That's not racist. In fact, it's completely the opposite. We're all here on an interracial dating site because we like something different. We are turned on by the differences. But because we get aroused by those of a different skin hue we're racists? That makes absolutely no sense at all. If such a preference is racist, then everyone on here is a racist and we have no hope. Jeez! Lighten up! I'd say we're about as un-racist as people come. We're on here, ultimately, because we want to share the most personal thing there is (romantic love, that is) with someone of a different race. I guess that I'm unapologetically racist then. Peace and respect to all of you but I just don't buy that nonsense.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  24. Posted: 05 Mar 10

    Chinese traditions are very different from other Asian ones, they stick to their men mostly, even if they don't want to,it's just the way they are brought up..... Philippines, Koreans, Vietnamese, Japanese, Singaporeans..... are very different, but we seldom see Chinese women with other races. Time will tell hopefully that culture will be a lil flexible!!

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  25. Posted: 04 Mar 10

    "I believe she is echoing the sentiments that every person in interracial relationships has felt or thought about at some point in their lives, even those that are merely open to them that havent actually engaged in one. These thoughts mostly stem from the supremacy ideas of a particualr race." I agree that this is the underlying cause. And I'm not sure how much of this is rooted in reality, but there is a perception that this is a huge issue particularly with asian women who date white men.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  26.   free33 says:
    Posted: 04 Mar 10

    Just to say it. Ibelieve and anyone i would be with should probably agree In my circle. Yea I have family and friends and I'm sure my partner would so before i got serious with anyone i would have deep meaningful conversation. I would make sure their veiw of family and friends was a healthy one. By my circle I mean the world exist, people's silly antiquated thoughts exist but are you in my circle? Are you willing to deny peoples access to our circle? We will be building "OUR" world, not my families world, not her families world, not my friends or her friends world, "Our world" our circle. If a woman can't discern I would have to question if she was emotionally mature enough to be what I need in a mate. As always in these cases, Race is the least of the problems

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  27.   Member says:
    Posted: 04 Mar 10

    (sigh).... I beleive that god created us as differently as he did because he is tring to point out our differences. Who asked to be white,black or any other kinds of race. Im white and love black girls because they are different from me. I want to stand out and be one of many people that date blacks and whites. I love all races to be truthful. They are....just incredable! So, to all of the people who date their own race, try the other ones first, trust me,you will really enjoy yourself.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  28.   marousia says:
    Posted: 03 Mar 10

    "There are those of us who are in interracial relations because of mere attraction and love that grew from friendship. Question is: Can we in interracial relationships run away from race? Do you find yourself constantly questioning your interracial attraction even when you believe you are not attracted to that person because of their race? Are you sure your partner knows that their race doesnt matter to you?" ****************************************** In response to the above questions, "Can we in interracial relationships run away from race, etc." I would say that it isn't a matter of "running" from anything, as in denial of, hiding from, avoiding, etc. On the contrary, I believe it is important to recognize ALL aspects of the person to whom you are attracted - everything. I can see no reason to purposely try not to see a color difference (it's there) or a cultural difference, any more than I would avoid seeing religious differences, or personality differences, on and on infinitum. I feel there is a problem when one allows the cultural or especially, COLORING to stand in the way of what basically is a relationship that works for the two people involved. I say, embrace those things that are different about the one you love - you don't have to be alike in all things and when you do embrace the various nuances, you grow as a person, your understanding of all kinds of people expands and you allow yourself the opportunity to become a healthier, more intelligent and well-rounded individual. Finally, I'd like to address the question about your partner knowing that race doesn't matter to you. I feel it is imperative that both people communicate openly and frankly with each other and yes, you may have to go the extra mile to be sensitive to each other's needs and feelings where this is concerned. One person "not seeing" for example, that their partner is being "treated differently" at family gatherings or among his or her friends can become an issue. This type of thing happens when one person in the relationship is seeing things and the actions of others only through their perspective. Step outside of yourself and try to see it from your partner's point of view. Sometimes, a person does not want to believe that their friends or family would react to the one they love in a condescending, prejudicial way and so they might tend to make excuses for them, which can really cause their partner to feel misunderstood and not taken seriously. Two things come to mind: a) One doesn't have to make a constant performance around others in an effort to show support for their inter-ethnic partner, but, they do need to show support and b) the partner who may feel slighted should be sure that they are not "looking for a problem" from others around every corner. Sometimes, it's not a racist thing; it's a personality thing or something else and your guy's or girl's "mother" or whomever just wasn't going to like you no matter what shade of color you came in.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  29.   thicksasgov says:
    Posted: 03 Mar 10

    My ex-girlfriend is Chinese and we broke up because of some of those influences from her family. She just turned 25 so I can understand trying to appease your family for the sake of peace instead of for your own happiness. There is where the problems arise in interracial relationships. The girl that wrote the orginal story wants what she thinks is acceptable to her friends and so-called society and not who she is attractive to. If the relationship was honest the issue would have never entered her mind, much less take the time to express it in writing. My ex-girl who now wants me back, only cared about me and her until the pressure on her from her family caused problems between us. Then I started cheating on her with a Russian girl because I resented that she would let others influence our relationship. Me cheating gave her the excuse to leave me, but if you really love someone it is hard to stay away from them, even though you both may do wrong. The Chinese girl doesn't love her boyfriend and that she feels insecure in her relationship.She knows he doesn't love her and she doesn't love him. The foundation of that relationship is based on all the wrong reasons and is bound to failure. If it was based on love it could still fail but why put more obstacles in your path for true happiness. Love comes in all colors, my 1st cousin is married to an East Indian woman, my 2nd cousin is married to a white woman, and another cousin is married to a Chinese woman. I think they married the person they loved.I have saw that mistake happen too many times to not love someone because of their race or ethinicity and ended up regretting it for life. I will not make that same mistake.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  30.   sdusty21 says:
    Posted: 01 Mar 10

    Free33, I don't believe she personally feels that dating a member of another ethnic group will give her status or privilege. It sounded to me like she was stating a cultural belief, which she may or may not share. With that said, I thank my mom also! She raised me to be a good person who isn't ruled by old thinking. This is 2010 and there are signs that the old ways are changing. Slower in some areas than others, but change is coming.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  31.   free33 says:
    Posted: 01 Mar 10

    I don't get it. Seriously how mixed up are people? That poor lady is soooo mixed uo it's pitiful. First of all how low is you view of yourself not to mention your ethnic group,if you believe by dating a member of another ethnic group, you can gain status or become less ethnic. Wow just wow. First thank you mom. She never allowed me to be held bondage by all this race crap to begin with. People are people. now because of a few wars and an evil institution known as slavery peoples heads have gotten all screwed up. But we have examples, we have proof of great Americans of African decent who despite great odds have done great things. There is no longer ant reason to see anyone as anything other than equal. Now as far as me liking girls of a lighter hue, that's jusy my carnal lust, liking what i like. I like darker women and will date the right one but I have a liking for what I like. If she happens to be a white woman with the bluests eyes since Liz Taylors do you think I give a rats asss what people think? It's 2010 People! We should be ashamed to speak of such antiquated thoughts. I know if I had such thoughts I would be

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  32. Posted: 28 Feb 10

    Maroursia and i are on the same page. seems to me being an optimist,each generation is moving a little further away from prejudice and exceptance. my philosophy for my life is: I know im too busy trying to live my own life without trying to live somebody elses and visa versa. stay out of my business,i pay my own way in this life. if and when you pay my way in life ,maybe then you can tell me what to do and with whom. hey everybody .... stop worrying about what people think!! get out there and do what you want as far as we know we are only here once,make it count ,make a difference and be HAPPY,find happiness, your version! happy go round............

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  33.   Marousia says:
    Posted: 26 Feb 10

    In response to Cl's post: Well, she sounds very insecure regarding her "choice." IMO, this is evidenced by her many questions, i.e., what he thinks about her, her concerns about why she chose him, what other people think about her being with him, etc. She's a bit mixed up. ;D To have so MANY questions suggests that she really isn't comfortable and most likely is choosing him for the reasons she mentions above, as opposed to: "I'M WITH HIM BECAUSE I REALLY WANT TO BE WITH HIM, and I choose him based on the same criteria I'd use for any man regardless of ethnicity - because he does it for me and I don't give a darn what anyone else thinks about it." It's supposed to be about two people, not anyone else. You certainly can't live "YOUR" life if you are awaiting approval from others as to who you should date or love and therefore, wasting time wondering if his friends like, accept, are o.k. with - you. Who cares? You shouldn't. He shouldn't. If he does then you have a problem and it's him - not his friends. Having said that, I do realize that it takes a great deal of self-confidence and self-esteem to have this attitude; of course, not everyone has it. Too often, people are afraid to buck the system, whichever system that might be, so they defer to what is more acceptable, not having the courage of their convictions. Her concerns are real for her and I understand that - I do get it; but, I would suggest she get really honest with herself and allow the answers to surface. They're there. Also, it is quite common for people to EXPERIMENT with what I call inter-ethnic relationships and when they are at that stage of the game, they are like children who are rebelling, or like a kid with a new toy. You can approach your relationship in an IMMATURE way or you can get to "know thyself" and be mature about it. Let's face it, there are a myriad of reasons why people choose to date and marry inter-ethnically and it often comes down to PERSONAL preferences, period. The key word being, PERSONAL. Again, her questions are valid because they exist quite often on the inside of people, but I think it's important to get to the answers not only for yourself but also in order to be fair to your significant other. Yes, be introspective and have some idea of what you're doing, but beyond that don't feel you have to JUSTIFY it. Hey, the bottom line is you like what you like, whatever that happens to be and that's really about it.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  34. Posted: 25 Feb 10

    "Everything in the past (genetically, politically, spiritually, educationally, and scientifically, psychologically) has led us to where we are in the present, but it doesnt effect our future."---- VERY WELL SAID, Ich...... PEACE

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  35.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 23 Feb 10

    I believe she is echoing the sentiments that every person in interracial relationships has felt or thought about at some point in their lives, even those that are merely open to them that haven't actually engaged in one. These thoughts mostly stem from the supremacy ideas of a particualr race. Particularly "white". I think white supremacy is worse when it resides in the minds and is somewhat promoted by "colored" people. Racial supremacy can occur in China with every race except Chinese (or Asian), in Zimbabwe with every race except black, or in the middle east with any race except Arab. However for the past few centuries, it seems that's there has been more focus on the world stage on whites and viewpoins presented from the perspective of whites than any other race. Everything in the past (genetically, politically, spiritually, educationally, and scientifically, psychologically) has led us to where we are in the present, but it doesn't effect our future.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  36.   blaqbeauty4 says:
    Posted: 23 Feb 10

    I do not date interracially for a climb in social status. Growing up as a child, i always socialized with whites moreso than blacks except in my church setting. I went on to college to experience the same thing except for my social subculture. As i entered the corporate world, i yet experienced the same thing (with the exception of my relocation to Atlanta). I have basically decided to accept that my main physical and emotional attraction is men of another ethnic origin. I am still very centered in my culture but i am open to other experiences as well. I think this is how the world ideally should operate. We learn so little from keeping a closed mind and heart. I sometimes think one must be careful when dating what their potential mate's agenda is but that is so no matter what race. I have had very damaging relationships with men from my own race consistently and have elected to start dating within my attraction and preferences.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment