Interracial Dating Advice To Men: "Grow Some Gonads!"

Posted by Jordan, 19 Feb 13

By Jordan Harbinger,

The Art of Charm co-founder

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

In my line of work as a coach, I often encounter men who want to date interracially but seem to lose their confidence to approach. They erroneously believe that no other race of women will be romantically interested in them besides their own. I find it particularly puzzling when it comes to white guys interested in dating black girls. A lot of them have an irrational fear that black women are going to cut them off at the knees before he has a chance to ask for her number. Or perhaps his ‘game’ is so weak he engages a woman in an inane conversation about...the weather, or her sparkly nail polish in an attempt to make a connection, but won't have the guts to see it through. Remember guys, women of a different race and/or culture might be used to a certain kind of overture and they could have totally missed that you have absolutely no interest in the weather or her nails, at least only to the extent that those fingers might end up fondling your hair or create welts on your back. They TOTALLY missed that, because your target girl just thought you were being "nice," and not coming on to her.

Again, social interaction is heavily influenced by culture.  A lot of times what we'd consider 'flirting' with a girl of our own ethnicity might not even ping the radar of a girl from another culture.  For example, direct eye contact and simple conversation can be very forward when speaking to an Asian woman, however, when flirting with a Latina or a Black woman, we need to up the touch a bit in order to keep up.  This has to do with how the members (guys) of their own culture interact with each other (girls).

Often women of a different race aren't EXPECTING guys from another ethnicity to be interested in them. I've approached more than a few black women and realized that often, they just think I'm being friendly until I turn things up a notch or make my intentions SUPER clear.  Often, they're surprised, because they just don't expect "white guys" to step up to the plate. They're pleasantly surprised that white boys can have "swagger" too.

The key is to not let fear of rejection cripple you. Sure, there could be non-white women who aren't going to be into you because you're white, but you'll be pleasantly surprised at how many actually are open to the idea.

And to the ladies who are frustrated that non-black men seem too timid in their approach, here's some insight into why some of them might be reluctant: If you’re rejected by someone of the same race, chances are it’s because you’re not her type. If you get rejected by someone of a different race, you might wonder if she passed because was wasn’t into swirling--and you weren’t her type. That’s a double whammy!

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of  The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.pickuppodcast.com. You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook or Twitter .

27 responses to "Interracial Dating Advice To Men: "Grow Some Gonads!""

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  1.   Rhegroup says:
    Posted: 03 Oct 15

    That's right, men have to be straight forward when interested in a woman. I was, for years, intimidated by beautiful women, and found it difficult to approach them. After years of missing out, and learning to be myself, that has changed. The worst thing that can happen when I approach a woman, is for her to say that she isn't interested. Doesn't feel good, but I'll live, plus, she's the one who missed out on meeting a great person. I may not be her soul mate, but I'm a great friend to have. Not bragging, just speaking the truth. It tis what it an do be. Lol. C'mon guys, you see a woman who flips your trigger, go up to her and say hi, she just might ask you out. But I guess that some guys are afraid of that too. Haha

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  2. Posted: 01 Aug 15

    As a woman I like when the guy makes the first move and is clear about his interest in me. In person I haven't had these problems when approached by white men. They were clear but here in Ohio I was surprised that they were interested. We don't see as many WM/BW interracial couples

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    • Rhegroup says:
      Posted: 03 Oct 15

      That's too bad, maybe Ohio ain't the place to be. I know that I wouldn't want to be there. Waaay too cold, plus they have buckeyes. Go Big Blue!

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  3.   DarkEden79 says:
    Posted: 22 Oct 13

    This is so true, and yes it was VERY informative. The thing is? Sometimes, there are girls like myself, who just have a desire for dating outside of their race, and won't ever grow the "balls" to approach the man of her desires. Now, I'm not a man, but what advice can you give to me, that you have given to the men, in this article? In other words, flip it and talk a walk in my shoes. Lol..

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  4. Posted: 10 Oct 13

    WOW...this is soooo helpful...I'm definitely the type to say "he was just being nice"..thanks to this article, I think I'll be paying more attention...:)

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  5. Posted: 11 Jul 13

    I have a strong personality and I appreciate it when a man can walk up to me and start up a conversation!.....I'm not gonna stare!....I'm not the "club chick" who pretends drunk and starts kissing and tonguing you...I'm not loose! Which should be very much appreciated, but, typically it's not and Men totally miss the bus! ------------I'm waiting til a strong, intelligent man can step to me correctly! and not a shy guy.---------------

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  6.   ArevZrev says:
    Posted: 23 Mar 13

    I've been asked out by many men of various ethnicities, particularly in my 20's. Some came straight out and let me know they wanted to go out with me and others beat around the bush, the garden and the hillside. It depends on their personality and their confidence. If they continuously come back and I'm really interested too, I may ease their angst by asking them to lunch or for coffee. While I do agree that it helps if the guy steps up, I think it's also advantageous if the woman reads a little into the situation, when possible. Those times when the guy has totally blind sided me by asking me out for a date though we'd never had a real conversation were so awkward for me. If we work together and you barely say hi or never even make small talk with me, I'll most likely decline the invitation. I'd prefer to chat about the weather first at the very least, as opposed to going out with a total stranger. In my book that equates to someone peeking at me on the dl (down low) and then BANG! He moves in for the kill. So uncomfortable! I've been stalked a few times before so you can up your chances for a positive response by saying... something... before just diving in. That's just my perspective, though. I'll deal with the topic of conversation as it comes. To sum up my rambling, respect and a measure of understanding from both parties is key. I don't expect the white guy to behave like the Brazilian guy. Adaptations will have to be made for each person because everyone is different. I do expect each guy to be considerate and respectful. If you can't do that much, chances are I won't be interested, regardless...

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    • sylviakhalan says:
      Posted: 11 Jul 13

      " Some came straight out and let me know they wanted to go out with me and others beat around the bush, the garden and the hillside." LOL.....SO very true! Just like the title states: "Grow Some Gonads"

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  7.   billbigsbee says:
    Posted: 09 Mar 13

    Id have to say I get rejected by every race so its no biggie I agree gotta keep shooting eventually one day you will find that one who will say yes

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  8.   MrsKelliLA says:
    Posted: 06 Mar 13

    Most white guys who want to date interracially with black women have no confidence and its annoying esp some of the guys in this site

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    • sylviakhalan says:
      Posted: 11 Jul 13

      Preach.....but I've met too many who don't know what to say or can only think of sex and want to text the crap out of you.....sending nude pictures and asking for nude vaginal pics! UGH...enough already

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  9.   dias.steffi says:
    Posted: 01 Mar 13

    Very true, confidence dose matter a lot. If you dont find yourself comfortable in communicating your want, needs and desire this is going to trouble a lot. Whereas you can also get more idea and tips on and can easily date opposite sex easily.

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  10.   Galvsailor says:
    Posted: 01 Mar 13

    Concur with the author's points entirely: Straightforward, respectful communication is Key!!! . Gentlemen: Be honest with what you desire and what is attractive to you, and then find the Lady that gets the same Big Spark that you get from her....and then be consistent and continuous with building the relationship....It Works!! And the Flowers and Candy and a nicely prepared meal for her doesn't hurt either..... In Summation....Cowboy Up (as we say in Texas)!! Be Courageous and Polite, or don't leave the porch.... All the best to everyone who took the time to read this....Respectful, Sentient commentary welcomed from any quarter.... Layne in Galveston (GalvSailor)

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    • WhenUSmile says:
      Posted: 05 Mar 13

      "Be Courageous and Polite, or don't leave the porch..." I like that :)

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  11. Posted: 27 Feb 13

    This article is so true. I have never thought guys of another race would be attracted to me

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  12.   paisleyme says:
    Posted: 26 Feb 13

    I have learned I really am attracted to black men. What can you tell me about black man - white woman scenario? I have briefly dated a black guy and experienced that even though the first date was awesome ( attraction, chemistry, and intellectually-wise), he was mostly interested in sexual intimacy, and when I expresed wish to know him a little bette before going al the way, he seemed to be taken aback. I have also noticed after studying other black man profiles that ther is prominence of physical interest p, with one listing all the stages of intimacy with first being sexual, then intelectual, spiritual, and only then emotional. Chemisry is very important, but emotional and intellectal comes before full physical engagement to me, and many of my Caucasian friends - what are my chances indeveloping a loving relationship with a black man? What do I need to know? I feel like a total rookie......

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    • WillAlex says:
      Posted: 01 Mar 13

      Well, it depends on both of you. I'm black but sexual intimacy is really low or not at all on my likes in women right now(I'm 19 and in college) and if I met someone then I'd be more interested in getting to know them as people too. It depends on who you meet. You have a lot of black guys who all they want to do is get their next sexual conquest, and then you have ones who aren't all about sex.

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    • marsd_02 says:
      Posted: 14 Oct 13

      As a black male, I think youve got it all wrong. Most white women in general seem to have this misconception that any comment or gesture with sexual undertones made by a black man automatically means that they are approaching you the wrong way, too fast. In reality, if those same comments were made by white men, the type of white women with your very same preference for the perfect intellectual man would find them totally acceptable. History has a lot to do with that. It may be that you attracting the wrong type of black men or you are revealing too much in the way you dress or carry yourself, which might be sending the wrong signals to the black men you date.

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  13.   NEWCC says:
    Posted: 25 Feb 13

    I agree as well I have never dated outside of my race because I have not been asked but I am open to the idea

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  14.   alydion says:
    Posted: 23 Feb 13

    the issue here is white men usually just want to have a black female for a secret sexual encounter which makes it hard for a black woman to tell if they are serious about a relationship in my area. Ive seen several white men in my day that Im attracted to and had conversations with but couldnt tell if they was seriously interested dating me of not they really didnt give me any indication that they might be interested.

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    • Galvsailor says:
      Posted: 01 Mar 13

      Dear Alydion: If you find White Men attractive to you, then "Cowgirl Up" and make it clear to your paramour, whatever culture or color, what you like and how you want to get to know them. Most Men who you would want to be with these days are turned on to a Woman that comes on to them in a respectful and classy manner. Take charge of your love life!!! Real Men appreciate a Courageous Woman....Be That and you can have the desire of your heart, sweetie!! Best Regards, Layne in Galveston (GalvSailor)

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    • sylviakhalan says:
      Posted: 11 Jul 13

      Totally agree....too many want sex... to start off with because they are clueless how to conversate! SMH (shaking my head)

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  15.   kreamnsugah says:
    Posted: 20 Feb 13

    The "weather" and "nail polish opening" gets weak after a while. Unless it's something like this. " It's a wonderful day out for a picnic". " You have very nice hands and gorgeous nails. Maybe one day you'll consider trying them out on my back". Just be direct and to the point. Sometimes that seals the deal.

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    • River_Song says:
      Posted: 12 Mar 13

      I totally agree! Cannot tell u how many white men approach because of interest in "booty". I refuse to be your toy or fulfill your inane, insulting fulfillment of a sexual fantasy. Stop watching late night B.E.T. because im not your video hoe

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  16.   WhenUSmile says:
    Posted: 20 Feb 13

    I wholeheartedly agree with this article. There have been sooooo many times when I thought the cute white guy was just being nice, or just a generally friendly person making conversation. I genuinely couldn't tell if they were making a move or not. Times when I thought there could be some potential, I kept the conversation going, did some mild flirting to test the waters - and half the time the guy looked confused. I couldn't tell if my trying to appear open and interested made him lose his nerve, or if he really was just not interested. So confusing AND frustrating!

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    • sylviakhalan says:
      Posted: 11 Jul 13

      LOL, I know that feeling all too well! It's a shame beautiful women have to deal with this cowardice.

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  17.   Silverdante says:
    Posted: 19 Feb 13

    I think I could still work with a "weather" or "nail polish opening" and still seal the deal ;). hehe

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