If honesty in your relationship might bring hostility, please lie

Posted by James, 28 Feb 13

Long term love should be based on trust right? The spouses are expected to be confidantes right? Since we are being honest, I don’t know who came up with this idea that lying between spouses is a bad thing; that secrets between spouses means lack of intimacy; that secrets are inherently wrong.

There has always been the assumption that their should be absolute honesty between couples; that couples should expose their personal and private lives to one another because the other person matters to you. But have we ever stopped to think that sometimes, the act of withholding truth or lying could be an act of caring and respect?

We need to be real and acknowledge the fact that sometimes we have to lie to preserve our spouse’s honor and give them peace of mind. Why would I start telling my spouse that I once had the hearts for her sister before settling for her? For her own peace of mind, that information is better off with me only. Why would a woman tell her boyfriend she has slept with 60 men when she could easily say 9? I like to call this kind of lying “gentle lies”.

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Before you start confessing in the name of honesty, you need to consider what that full disclosure of yours is going to do to your spouse. Can he or she can live with the burden of knowing? There are times honesty is just brutal! And in such cases, why not be the caring, loving person you claim to be and spare your spouse the cruelty of having to live with knowing? If that truth of yours will cause hostility and an eventual break up, sometimes, a little selfishness is salutary. Plus not telling means you are selfless enough not to cause the other person pain, right?

This culture of believing in the philosophy of absolute frankness is fundamentally flawed. And that said, I tell you: Its okay to tell gentle lies in relationships. Sometimes, those lies are what brings sanity to that relationship. Those lies might be the only thing that will make the two of you live happily-ever-after. So if you feel the truth is that cruel, then by all means lie or just shut it!!!

Has full disclosure ever cost you the relationship you were trying to save by being honest? Do share your transparency-moments-gone-wrong!

3 responses to "If honesty in your relationship might bring hostility, please lie "

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  1.   LadyJaye says:
    Posted: 14 Mar 13

    How can he say I had the hearts for the sister before setting for the current wife. If that is not a slap in the face. That means he still has the hot for the sister and just married the wife to stay close, hoping for a chance to get with the sister. That is like saying the sister is better than the wife and the wife is as close as I going to get to the real thing.

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  2.   Winter1984 says:
    Posted: 10 Mar 13

    I was having a conversation with a male co-worker about this very thing not too long ago. He believes what the author believes, that sometimes it's okay to lie to spare feelings. He asked me how I would feel if a stranger walked up to be on the street and just told me the blunt truth of what they thought of my looks. I told him that is completely different. That scenario is wrong because the stranger would be out of line for not only being rude, but for volunteering his/her unsolicited opinion to someone who they do not know. However, if I ask you a question, I expect and want the truth. If I know I gained 5 pounds and know I look heavier/fat, I am not going to ask you if I look fat in hopes you'll say no to spare my feelings. If by chance I do ask you it is because I want the truth-in which case I am more than prepared to handle whatever response you give to me. I would like to think that if in a healthy relationship where you have two people who care for one another and are not out to inflict pain on each other maliciously that if you ask for a response and your partner gives you a truthful one that may not be pleasant to hear that you will be adult enough to accept it. You would be adult enough to accept it because: (1) You know your partner well enough to know they are being honest with you because they care enough about you to do so and (2) You know that honest response does not affect how that person feels about you. There is a difference between omitting information which is clearly irrelevant and flat out lying. You telling your wife that you used to have a thing for her sister after you've been together for years is irrelevant if you no longer have feelings for her sister and never acted on those feelings toward her sister. However, if your wife asks you if she looks like she is putting on weight and you tell what you believe to be a gentle "lie" and say "no" when you really believe she is, and down the line you make a sly comment about her weight-not maliciously, but in a joking manner, your wife will most likely go back to the time(s) where she asked you about her weight and you lied and question your honesty. That can make her feel more self-conscious than anything else. Everyone is different. I am the type of person who does not typically ask for opinions and on the rare occasion where I do, I am expecting and prepared to hear honesty. So perhaps I don't view things the same as other women do...

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  3.   queensclub says:
    Posted: 03 Mar 13

    Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo lol we don't need to lie we lie out of fear!!!! we make choices in life based often on what people tell us if its a lie then the choice has not been fully made. I want to be given the truth no matter how challenging and then have the ability to make an informed choice and I in return also do this . Does my ego get in the way of course it does d I want to avoid dissapointment or rejection of course I do but to live a lie with your soulmate is to sell yourself short. "The truth will set you free"

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