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Former racists – Should they declare?

Posted by James, 20 May

If a someone is a former racist and was dating interracially, and later got married, would it be alright if he or she confessed to his partner of another race that he or used to have racial tendencies in the past or is this one of those things that are better left n the closet? Would this have an impact on your relationship if you suddenly realized the person you are in an interracial relationship with was once racist?

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21 responses to "Former racists – Should they declare?"

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  1.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 16 May 10

    I suppose it depends on what "used to have racial tendencies" means. If a cat was been a grand dragon in the triple K, it would be hard for either side in a relationship to forgive and forget. If she used to be afraid of White folk 'coz she didn't know any, that may be a different issue. Either way I guess I go with the majority here: Honesty is the best policy!

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  2.   wonka says:
    Posted: 28 Feb 10

    Of course,I'd want to know ASAP!!,doesn't mean I wouldn't have a relationship with her,or even marry her,however,I would have to consider her old ways. It wouldn't be out of the relm of possibilty though. Change is always good,that's if it's for the better, I still think once your a racist,it will always be a part of some sort of fiber in ones bean,even if it's basically non-existent.There's always that relm of possibility as well!!.Make sense right!,yeah I know.

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  3.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 11 Jul 09

    Honesty has nothing to do with, in my opinion. I believe it should brought up only if a situation or subject of conversation calls for it. I don't think a person should just say, "Honey, I have something to confess...". That shouldn't be the case unless he or she previously participated in a lynching or has a criminal record containing a hate crime. That would require some explaining. We all used to piss on ourselves, but then learned how to use the potty. We've all eaten a booger or two, but learnd how to reach for a Kleenex and blow without being commanded. We all struggled reading 'Dick and Jane' and 'Dr Suess', now we're blogging. These things don't define who we are. People pick things up faster than others, some slower. It just sounds weird, an ex-white supremacist marrying an Japanese woman just so he can exact revenge for Pearl Harbor by smothering her in her sleep. Is this really what were afraid off by someone not mentioning a racist past? Probably not, but then again, we all draw our own conclusions. Many men don't want to know about their mate's sexual past, but what she used to DO seems more important than what she used to THINK. Heck, we all used to do a lot of things and think a lot of things. It's important for couples to be open with each other. To be able to talk and understand each other with anything. Openess doesn't mean honest, however we should be honest when we're open. Nice comments BIG MAMA and bdsista!

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  4.   Smile4242 says:
    Posted: 03 Apr 09

    On one hand, the past is the past... but on the other hand... shouldn't it have been brought up before they got married? One would think that two people who are married trust one another enough to be themselves and open up about the past, both the good parts and the bad.

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  5.   Blackboi says:
    Posted: 01 Apr 09

    Honesty is best. Being in a relationship is all about trust.

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  6.   bdsista says:
    Posted: 21 Nov 08

    Being a Diversity Trainer, I will say, that no one is untainted in terms of either having racist tendencies or prejudice. It is a matter of awareness of your baggage. Being able to examine your past, and leave it behind to find love with someone of another race takes growth and courage. I would expect someone dating me of another race to have someone he knows in his past (or present) who may object to the relationship. If he wants to tell me his past views and how they have changed, we can celebrate it because it is a part of who he is, who he has become and who he is yet to be. I feel that our feelings about race, ethnicity and culture continually change as we are exposed to others and that is a good thing. If this is about love and acceptance, then we need to love and accept.

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  7.   1rockgodess says:
    Posted: 06 Oct 08

    What matters is now, dont let the past intefere with the present & future. If there's real love and he/she was able to break out of being rascist to be with you, ther's nothing else they won't do to be with you. So if they confess or you ever find out, it's better to discuss this issues and come to an even or common understanding where everyone is at peace at the end of the day.

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  8.   serenity798 says:
    Posted: 27 Sep 08

    The past is apart of you but it doesn't define you. They should fess up and come clean. Accept the good, the bad, and the ugly.

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  9.   SoRandom says:
    Posted: 14 Aug 08

    I realize this is an older article but... I think it helps to be aware of the past if you are going to meet their friends/family members. In my past I had an interesting experience when a friend of a man I was dating mentioned he used to be a skin head. I didn't make me adore him any less but for a few moments it created a tense situation.

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  10.   Mo says:
    Posted: 17 Jul 08

    honesty is the best policy

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  11.   Member says:
    Posted: 13 Jul 08

    Yes, I think it should be brought up. Maybe not right away, but somewhere in the relationship it should come up., Now. How you handle it is a different thing. Are you going to get disgusted and storm out of the restaurant or the apartment? Or are you going to sit there with your mouth shut and listen. Everyone deserves a second chance in life, a chance to put a wrong right. To set things straight. It's really depends on you. How do you choose to handle something that is ancient history! If you love him or her, then the decision shouldn't be that hard to make.

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  12.   poetlove says:
    Posted: 29 Jun 08

    This is very thought provoking, being that i've a been a member or supporter or Black power organizations. I now date a colorful spectrum of women I do find it important to let them know. The most embarassing thing is to be dating someone and that past. Walks right up to you to speak and you've got someone of another race on your arm...lol, but it's all about growth and maturity. If you lived a certain way but woke up, God has forgiven you, be honest about your past and move on

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  13.   cocobaker813 says:
    Posted: 01 Jun 08

    I would definitely want to know if my hubby had a racist past, and I would like to know before we were married. To lie about something like that, especially married to a person whose race he was prejudiced against, or had violent interactions with, is huge. It is something that needs to be known, especially if his family members were still in that mindset, and he still interacts with those members.

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  14.   phatkitty says:
    Posted: 28 May 08

    Am for honesty 100% always, even if it hurts, better to know and get it over with; the sooner the better. That is my take.

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  15.   jowallace says:
    Posted: 27 May 08

    I think they should come clean. Not everyone is raised to be open-minded. We can't control what we're taught when we're young. If I were dating someone with a racist past, I would respect him more now for knowing that his former type of thinking is wrong and actually having enough courage to abandon his beliefs and change his ways for the better.

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  16.   heidi says:
    Posted: 26 May 08

    honesty is the best policy! The past is the past as long as you can come clean about it! I completely agree with luv4coco's comments. http://www.cupidsreviews.com

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  17.   lynn says:
    Posted: 23 May 08

    To tell you the truth old habits die hard. I think this is serious. If the person was like they they should tell their partner. If they got mad at someone of a different race or was their partner race they could easily say things that may not be appropriate. I'm not saying that people can't change. People can change and i'm no saying hold things over anyone head. We all sin and make mistakes. But things like this if not told can come back to bite you in the but or resurface in situations. For instance if someone use to know that the person was a racist before they may say wrong things to your partner that you may not like. Or they may try to be rude back to them. But if your partner already knows this they can be prepared for anything and won't be hurt if people say bad things about them that are true that they didn't know. But there are alot of other things that can happen as well. Long as both people feel comtorable with each other and love each other and you feel that person has changed for the better. Then I say that if they want to be with them they should. Who is anyone to question. And I leave you anyone with theses very words. Don't critize anyone decisions. "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone."

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  18.   luv4coco says:
    Posted: 22 May 08

    HONESTY!!!!!!!!! Is there any other way? Its ok to admit your faults to your significant other. Obviously, there has been a change of heart. We cannot control our upbringings, neighborhoods, etc., the things that shaped us in that manner originally. But, with that said, a change of heart occurred. One should be proud of the emotional gains made in this arena, or any other. Its just another phase of growth. Face the embarrassment of your shallow past. Embrace it. Acknowledge it. Then, bury it, where it belongs.

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  19.   evaafta says:
    Posted: 22 May 08

    i would want to know the who, why, what, and when. then we can go from there...as ambassadors to peace, we need the hate of what we may have once came from, brought forward. then we may grow as people...

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  20.   smtwngurl says:
    Posted: 20 May 08

    We can't go back and change anything in our past. It would be best to upfront about it. People aren't born racist it's something they learn over a period of time. I'm not saying someone intentionally raised their son or daughter to be racist, although I personally know it happens, I'm saying maybe it's was just the environment they grew up in. We tend to be like our parents and those around us. We have similar beliefs and traditions. Maybe the person grew up in an area where the people have always been racist and that is all they knew till the ventured beyond those boundaries and found out for themselves what people of other races are like. Sometimes it's ignorance and or fear that causes us to hate without a cause. It's always best to tell the truth to your mate. Even one lie or deception undermines what you are building and can destroy the trust you share. Without trust you have nothing.

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  21.   happywithme says:
    Posted: 20 May 08

    It is a matter of honesty. remember...any omission of the truth is a lie. Because we all (hopefully) mature and become wiser with age it is possible for one to have a sincere change of heart.The trick here is would you want your partner to find out accidentally and have to defend yourself or be proactive? As I was guilty of this shameful behavior I would not want it to just come up. I make a point of being honest, about who I used to be as much as who I am now.

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