Well, apparently, according to an article by the New York Times “The unexpected downside of cohabiting before marriage”, cohabitation does have effects that may lead to divorce later. If we look at couples that do it, half the time, it happens because it’s convenient: convenient sex hence no more carrying an overnight bag, cheaper costs of living, postponing the commitment of marriage… To be honest, cohabitation is so appealing so much so that couples just slide into it without even knowing how it happened. One minute you were having a one night stand, the next, all your stuff is at her place.

But do most couple cohabit with their ideal spouses? Majority admit they don’t. When it comes to the cohabiting partner, standards of the ideal spouse are compromised for convenience. In fact very few really get to talk about it. And most couples do it because if it doesn’t work, they can easily walk away.

Well here is where the downside really comes in: Its called “sliding not deciding” by researchers. The article says: “Moving from dating to sleeping over to sleeping over a lot to cohabitation can be a gradual slope, one not marked by rings or ceremonies or sometimes even a conversation. Couples bypass talking about why they want to live together and what it will mean.”

If you ask me, people who cohabit seem to be commitment phobic… people who are not sure about the institution of marriage. People who are looking for a quick exit if things don’t work out. So even after marriage, these are people who still have the divorce mentality embedded within them.

But sometimes, a quick exit ceases to be an option. Sometimes babies come into play while cohabiting forcing couples into marriage. And seeing as cohabitation is something that just happens for many, and happens for different reasons between men and women (men looking at it as convenience and postponement of commitment; women looking at it as a step towards marriage), they end up frustrated in a relationship they probably didn’t envision would take such turns… they end up stuck! And with frustration comes dissatisfaction and eventually divorce!

Cohabitation works best if both individuals see it as a step towards marriage; not just sliding in when in you are in your 20s and finding yourself in your 30s still cohabiting, with no options other than the pressure of getting married because you have been together for too long. “It’s important to discuss each person’s motivation and commitment level beforehand and, even better, to view cohabitation as an intentional step toward, rather than a convenient test for, marriage or partnership.”

You heard?!

Well, such are the comments that make us censor bits of our personalities that we feel aren’t quite conventional from our online dating profiles. But have you ever stopped to think that may be… just may be, that censoring is the reason why 4 years down the line, you are still hoping from one online dating site to another hoping to find love?

Well, looking at some of the couples who are soo in love, some of these individuals possess those characteristics that people always claim are just “too much” for love and yet, they are in relationships. Makes you wonder why you in your normal nature are still single; makes you feel like life is quite unfair. Well don’t.

See, the more I came across mis-matched couples – be it physically or personality wise – the more I came to realize that no matter what, there is someone out there who will love you just as you are. There is someone out there who will balance out your “out of this world” personality. And that’s just how love works.

People keep faulting successful. ballsy women for being single. If anything, most of them feel they are probably too successful to ever meet a man who won’t be intimidated by them having a pair. Well, not all men think like this. Just because some men thought that about you doesn’t mean you lump the rest of us in that category. Some of us just love our women strong, powerful and successful.

The thing is: no one can ever be too unconventional for love. You cant keep believing that you are too unique or too queer for anyone to ever fall in love with you. See you just have to believe that the right person will love you for exactly who you are. And that personality that you think is too much for love, is what will attract her/him to you. Those things about you that you are busy trying to hide from your online profile could just be the things that your right man or woman is looking for in a spouse.

Talk about your weird passions online. Talk about your eccentric personality. Talk about your success. Just put that “too much about you out there. Because that uniqueness about you is what makes you YOU. The right person will be attracted to you because of it. And if you have to hide it to meet love, then that isn’t the kind of love you should be looking for; that isn’t the kind of love you want to bank on; or is it now?

Your uniqueness isn’t an obstacle to love. Just start seeing it as a plus in your life and put it out there. If after a while no one seems to like it, then you haven’t bumped into the right person YET!

The thing is, the media in general has made single-hood; especially amongst African-American women seem like a curse; like something single Black women should be ashamed of. Well, not in this book. The Pastor elevates and commends the status of being single, seeing it as a blessing than a curse… asking Black women to embrace the concept of being content with being single – something he acknowledges most Black women have taken to even without having to read his book.

And because women are “precious and priceless” before God, he believes they shouldn’t “lower” themselves in any way whatsoever. Hence lowering your standards and what you believe in just so people can scrap the Miss/Ms title in front of your name to a ‘Mrs’ shouldn’t be an option because there are so many other options to explore… and one of them is to remain single and be proud of it and using your power as a single person to impact positively on other people’s lives.

Plus the ‘OR…” at the end of the book’s title doesn’t entirely mean dating interracially… how about dating African men from other countries? In his interview with the Christian Post, he says: “There’s somewhat of a stigma for African-American women if they date or marry a white man, or even a Hispanic man. It’s kind’ve [sic] a brand that you’re abandoning the black race, but I want to encourage women that there are good, godly men who are not necessarily African-American.” And that is why our dating site is well geographically represented so that love can transcend all borders… so that love can be limitless…

To remain Single Or…? What do you think?

While sex is often compared to pizza—even when it’s bad, it’s good—the dual climax or “mutual O” is the most fulfilling finish in the love game. It’s the sexual equivalent of a perfectly executed alley-oop pass! Done right, you and your partner will want to high-five afterwards.

For advice on achieving sexual synchronicity, we turned to Dr. Jennifer Jones, clinical psychologist, sex therapist and relationships expert. She believes that great sex starts before the sweat. “Sex really means any kind of touching that leads to arousal,” she says.

That doesn’t mean you should be hooking up with strangers, though. Sure, there might be more animal attraction the first time, but it’s tough to top a sexual encounter between two people who know just what it takes to stimulate each other’s minds and bodies. The best sex is between loving partners in long-term relationships. To keep things spicy, take the opportunity to experiment together and expand your sexual comfort zones.

So why aren’t most couples having great sex already? We don’t need a doctor to tell us the trickiest part of the sexual slam-dunk—ladies take longer to climax and getting them there is a personal process. Fortunately, Dr. Jennifer has good advice for men making the attempt. “Every woman is different, so let her lead you in terms of what works for her,” she says. “Know her anatomy and let her educate you!”

For a step-by-step guide to getting off with your partner, Dr. Jennifer’s two-minute video “5 Tips for a Mutual Orgasm” is must viewing! Check it out:

What do YOU think is the secret to mutually satisfying sex?

According to confessions by women on Men’s Health’s article “10 Ways to Get More Sex”, something as simple as offering to pay and giving some good tips can makes a woman think “you’re just as giving in bed.” Who would have thought being generous on a date means you are just as generous in the sack?

Apparently, it doesn’t take much to impress a woman. Simple little things like touching her arm or shoulder when talking to her, wrapping your arms around her waist shows you are genuinely interested in her.

I never understood how a simple kiss on the back of the neck used to get me laid like almost always. Well, this woman on Men’s Health says “It sends sexy tingles everywhere.” Whispering sweet nothings while having sex also sends women into frenzy.

Sometimes, a little hair tugging does the trick. Other times, being gentle while touching her there, works too. Saying her name shows focus. But the best thing you can ever do is waking her up those wee hours of the morning with some good licking down south. And if you really want more sex, call her the next day.

Ladies, help us pleasure you. What’s your poison?

Back then, John’s missus was just April. She was “bored, trying something new” when she signed up for our online personals service. April admits that she was “not at all confident” she would ever meet a mate on the Internet. Still, before a month had passed these new members were already communicating. “I liked his profile, and he seemed sincere,” April recalls. “So I gave him a Flirt.”

“She was easy to talk to. We seemed to have known each other before,” notes John. “I started talking with her on January 6, 2006. Although I never thought at the time we would be married two years later, I loved talking to her every day.”

It’s true—on paper, John was “not at all” April’s type. He didn’t think they would wind up in wedded bliss, either. Due to the distance between them, it actually took eight months of interaction before this duo even met for a date! “She never rushed anything, and was the most patient woman that I’ve found,” John says.

Still, they couldn’t wait forever to give this thing a trial run. “It was time,” April says. When the date began, there was instant chemistry. April remembers thinking, “Oh yes! He’s a keeper.” John was also smitten from the start. “She was really good looking,” he says. “I loved her smile.”

In the course of the date, any doubts the pair had about their suitability for one another quickly evaporated. “It was the best time ever,” says John. “Seriously, we still think about it!” April agrees. “He was better in person.” Still, though, she wasn’t 100% certain they would go out again. “I wasn’t too sure, because he lived in another state.”

John was determined not to let this love die, though. After eight months of online courtship and one great date, he was sold. “I loved her. When it was over, I felt like I had left family,” he says of his post-date thoughts.

As the relationship progressed, nothing changed April’s mind about her future husband. “He really is a good guy. Perfect gentleman,” she declares. John acknowledges that there are ups and downs in any relationship, but this one is steady as she goes. “Although we have our moments where we argue, we love each other,” John says. “I feel so warm. No worries.”

One day, John approached April with an exciting idea. “Las Vegas, baby! Lets do this! It’s been long enough. Time to make you mine!”

April acquiesced without a second thought and soon, wedding bells were ringing. On March 7, 2008 the pair took the plunge and exchanged vows. How has being married changed their lives? “Dramatically,” April laughs. “You do not know! John is the love of my life.” John is even more succinct. “Now, I have happiness,” he says.

April believes that online daters should be patient and methodical in their search for a spouse. “Take it slow. Don’t rush anything,” she advises. “Be real with one another. Don’t put pressure on your partner. Enjoy one another. No games!”

It’s John’s view that one can’t be judgmental with the person you love, or try to hold your partner to an unrealistic standard. “Compromise is the key,” he says. “There are going to be things you don’t like about your love, but you must accept that or it’s not going to work. Be patient, and loving.”

This formula has worked for John and April. They welcomed their first child to the family in 2009 and recently celebrated their four-year anniversary. John is very grateful for his good fortune. “Thank you for bringing me happiness and finding my soul mate,” he tells us. “I also want to thank all of those who flirted with me. Be patient and you will find your mate. God bless to all!”

Enough with my dramatics.

In an article “Sick Of Your Single Life?”, Echo Allen – Berning, an international speaker on relationships and dating, talks about her new book entitled “Date To Attract Your Mate” where she highlights how the likes of me (singles that is) repel our perfects mates right out of our lives with our energy. To be honest, sometimes I feel like I work too hard to make men run away from my life when I look back on how a date went.

Anyway, she gives this very simple yet inspiring analogy of a seed:

Think of each person on the planet as a seed, which is planted … needs water and nutrients to grow into a wonderful fruit tree. However, when water and sunlight are missing, the tree may grow damaged fruits and possibly die. In the area of love, our nutrients consist of surrounding ourselves in loving, peaceful, nurturing environments. This means eliminating all negative people, places and circumstances out of your life. It also may mean not sharing with the world that you are seeking to attract your life partner. It also means speaking into existence actually what it is you desire in life. You’ll want to begin practicing speaking out loud to yourself exactly what you want as if it is already done … “I am attracting a wonderful life partner/wife or husband who is in alignment with my values, dreams and goals.” Speaking it out loud and then creating a feeling tone knowing that what you desire has already manifested is the other side on the equation.

The thing is, if you are looking for a woman who possesses particular values, then you got to make changes in your life, adopt those values in order to be able to attract a woman with such values. Echo gives a few steps which can help singles stop repelling the partners they are meant to be with:

• “Reinvent Yourself”
  By this she means re-assessing yourself in general: your looks, your words, your behavior – and this includes talents, gifts and hobbies. And settling for less is out of the question. “It’s about obtaining clarity, stillness and a willingness to be alone for the rest of your life rather than to settle for someone less than your highest desire”, she says. Its all about creating the life you want and love, with the one you love.
• “Take an Assessment”
  Here, she suggests looking at the kind of relationship you want and be willing to do all that is necessary to attract and achieve it. Here, you assess whether you are willing to give up some of the things that make those perfect mates run away and incorporating those things that will make you irresistible to that perfect mate. 

  Well, in this case she doesn’t mean you change who you are. “… itʼs about expanding who you are and opening up to newer possibilities. It’s about being worthy enough to receive the love you desire and to give it in return.” It is all about reexamining yourself. See, if you are looking for a good man, then it means being good is the core of who you are. So in this case, you make the necessary adjustments in your life; “…make newer choices and are more in alignment with the core of whom [you] are.”

• “Be Willing to Take Action”
  Action=Results. The big question is: Are you willing to do, be and have all those things that will make that perfect match recognize you as the one? Are you willing to listen to the universe, follow your instincts and ACT? It took Echo 2 years, 5 dating sites and 102 men to attract her husband. On the other hand, her husband was also going through a similar process off redefining himself and what he truly wanted for a wife. And their actions is what brought them together eventually.

How sick are you of that single life? Are you sick enough to spring into action whenever the universe snaps its fingers just so you can meet that one person you so desire to be with? Are you sick enough to do all takes? Its not as easy as it seems and Echo admits it saying in her journey to finding her husband, “There was a lot of work, a lot of tears and now a lot of joy!”

If you are as sick as I am of being single, forget focusing on the hustle of meeting the one. Don’t settle for less coz if you ask me, I believe patience is one of the values you need to have in order for all the pieces to fall in place. It’s all about having your eyes on the price, ignoring the tears, focusing on the joy that will come and ACTING ACCORDINGLY. Then you will see magnetism at work!

In a recent song “Black Girls” by Chester French, an indie pop band, the song starts off with a declaration “This ain’t no fetish, ain’t objectifying no one” and then goes to say in the chorus: “I’ve got a thing for Black Girls”. However, one ReBecca Theodore-Vachon feels that those two statements are contradictory. She feels saying you ‘have a thing for’ “is indeed objectification” because “you strip” that particular race of women of their “individuality and expect [them] to fulfill certain sexual fetishes based on tired stereotypes” of their female sexuality.

Much as the video is about gay interracial dating – a White woman declaring she has a thing for Black girls ReBecca continues to say: “… any white guy who proclaims he has a ‘thing for black girls’ isn’t looking for any real or serious emotional connection, i.e. don’t expect to meet his parents anytime soon.”

What do you make of that statement? Do you think someone who claims to have a thing for women (or men) of a particular is just dating interracially solely to satisfy some ‘fetish’ and doesn’t really care about their individuality or being in a serious relationship?

Well, Christopher Johnson and Nathaniel Claybrooks of Nashville don’t believe its a coincidence and have filled a class-action lawsuit claiming they were turned away from The Bachelor because they are not white.

Claybrooks claims he was rushed during the interview and was given like about 20 minutes while the white males before him got to spend 45 to 60 minutes with the interviewers. Johnson on the other hand (who just got 30 seconds) says non-white people “never get a show that shows we have love and affection for each other.”

According to Cyrus Mehri (Washington-based lawyer), these two aren’t saying they should have been picked out rightly, but feel they should have been given the same opportunity as their white counterparts who tried out for the same leading role.

Is this done consciously because the producers of the shows feel having a non-white in the starring role will compromise the viewership by alienating the majority white viewership … that we American’s aren’t ready for interracial romance on prime-time TV?

In today’s world, most people expect their parents to have gotten over their anxiety about interracial dating. In fact, most parents give their kids the “we are all equal” talk … well up UNTIL they start dating out. But that said and however supportive our parents appear to be, one parent, in a new Anderson 360 study admitted that “When you see your kid always steering towards a different race, you want to make sure that he doesn’t have a problem with his own race… Because we’d never seen him with a black girlfriend”, says the father to a black teenager – who always dates white girls.

Looking at what the study portrayed, sometimes our parents aren’t directly against our interracial relationships. Some are just worried that the challenges interracial couples face will spill over to the relationship between the two as a couple. Others just wonder why?

Well, Jimmy’s dad got me re-examining my own relationships. Do I date out because I have something against women of my own race? Can you honestly answer this “why not your own kind” question?