How to stop dead end relationships - before they begin

Posted by Leticia, 15 May 07

Listen in as the secret to identifying dead end relationships - before they begin - is revealed as Dr. Wright interviews David Steele, the author of the book "Conscious Dating: Finding The Love Of Your Life In Today's World".

Dr. Wright: All right. This is Dr. Letitia Wright and we are having our next podcast. Today, our guest is David Steele. He is the author of the book called Conscious Dating: Finding The Love Of Your Life In Today's World. As a relationship coach he helps singles find the love of their life and helps couples live happily ever after. He is the founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute and his mission is to help singles and couples have a healthy relationship.

Welcome to the IDC Dating podcast.

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

David Steele: Hi, Dr. Wright. Thank you for having me.

Dr. Wright: I am really excited about the book Conscious Dating: Finding The Love Of Your Life In Today's World. You talk about the mystery of the relationship, what exactly do you mean?

David Steele: Well, what I mean is that most people seem to be confused about how relationships work? We all want our relationship. Its one of our highest goals and priorities. And half of us or more get divorced and none of us want to. We do not start off wanting to get divorced. And there seems to be a lot of confusion and mystery about how relationships work and how to find somebody and - - nowadays, the cohabitation rate has increased by over 1000% in the past 30 years.

And I think people are living together because they are afraid of commitment nowadays. They do not want to fail. They see the divorce rate and they are just confused about how to make it all work and be successful.

Dr. Wright: In your opinion, does the cohabitation in the end help people know whether or not that relationship is going to work or do you think that it is not really helpful?

David Steele: Well, you do not have to rely on my opinion because the research shows clearly the cohabitation rate - - the failure rate of cohabitation is far higher than the divorce rate. So people that live together first have a higher likelihood of getting a divorce and have much higher likelihood of breaking up than people that go ahead and get married. So people think they are minimizing risk when they live together; actually it is increasing risk. The research shows - - is showing this.

Dr. Wright: Well, okay. You also talk to everyone about being more in tuned with who we are and who we really want. Most of them probably think they know who they are but - - what do you think on that?

David Steele: Well, it is kind of like the iceberg. 10% is showing above the surface and the rest of it is below the surface. And what I found is that our success depends upon getting to know that 90% underneath the surface. Most singles have their list. And not everything on that list is equal. Some are requirements, some are needs and some are wants. And we got to know our requirement and we got to know all of them because they are non-negotiables. If one is missing the relationship will not work.

And I do not know about you, but I have gotten involved in relationships and then discovered later that there was something hugely important that was not working. And I did not know it before. So wouldn't it be nice to be clear and conscious about what that stuff is going in. And make a relationship choice aligned with that.

Dr. Wright: That is great. That is really important. Now, there are exercises that you help people with to really get down to those needs, wants, and requirements.

David Steele: Right. I have very, very specific technology and exercises where how you can take - - how you can start with your list. Every single has their list. How you can start with your list and start breaking it down into what is required and what do I need to be happy? Those are what needs are. In order to be happy your needs must be met. But they are not necessarily relationship breakers; they are just a difference between happiness and unhappiness. And then they wants are the icing on the cake. It will be nice and it is enjoyable and it is pleasurable.

But they are not relationship breakers either. And most people - - if you do not think about this way you might make a relationship choice based on your wants; like somebody to have fun with. But then is that somebody that you have fun with is that a good partner choice for the long term.

Dr. Wright: Okay. And so without really understanding your list then you - - you just cannot make a good choice for yourself. You are just making the choice for life (inaudible) second, I guess.

David Steele: Right. And so the challenge is how can we better know ourselves? How can we be fully conscious? And truthfully, it is impossible to be fully conscious but we certainly can be more conscious. And one way to start is by looking at your relationship history. Just make a list of all the relationships that you have had that had broken up in the past, that you are not with him anymore. Well, why? What broke the relationship up? Chances are there is a requirement or 2 or 3 related to that. And so that is a good clue about what so many requirements might be.

And then we have things like a vision, what we really want for our life that we are trying to make real. And then we have a purpose like what we want to do with our life. And our relationship has to align with all of that. So the clearer we are about that, the better choice you make in a partner, the easier it is to make it work.

Dr. Wright: Very good. Okay. That is really important for our listeners to really take down and embrace. Now, one of the principles you talk about in conscious dating is being a chooser. I think everybody kind of thinks this, a "chooser" but what do you mean by that?

David Steele: Well, actually in my seminars for singles I talk about a lot of things. I talk about vision and purpose and requirements, needs and wants and being conscious. And I talk about the "14 Dating Traps." And I talk about the "10 Principles of Conscious Dating." And out of all of these things in my book and on my CD program and in my seminars, the thing that stands out the most, the thing that I heard the most feedback about is the idea of being the chooser.

This is challenging for most singles. They are maybe a bit shy, maybe a bit scared, we would like it if somebody chose us. And we tend to get into a pattern of reactiveness in our life. And it takes a little bit of forethought and a little bit of initiation and planning to be the chooser. To you be the one that takes the action.

Like for example, would it not be great if there is somebody that you have meet that you are attracted to. Let us say that somebody you meet at the grocery store or the post office or at a class you are attending. Would it not be great for you to choose them and go up to them and initiate a conversation and say hi and get to know them and see if they are single? But a lot of singles are scared to death of this.

Dr. Wright: Right. Right.

David Steele: So the idea of being the chooser has just captured the imagination of singles. And so I have a very, very specific technology and ideas and strategies for how singles can be the chooser. How you can approach somebody that you are attracted to that you do not even know yet. And how you can say no to what you do not want in order to say yes to what you do want. And that is my definition of assertiveness, as part of being the chooser as well.

Dr. Wright: Okay. I know a lot of single women are kind of afraid to say no to someone who approaches them because they feel like "I better take what comes along." And clearly you do not subscribe to that.

David Steele: Yes. I call that the scarcity trap. If we are alone and we are interested in somebody and somebody is interested in us we get excited and say, "Oh, boy. I do not have to be alone anymore." Our fantasies start going like "Oh, boy. We are going to get together and live happily ever after." And we really want to make it work, right? We want to fit the round peg in the square hole. We want to fill that slot. We want to realize our dreams. That is understandable.

But I learned in my own personal and working with my clients that you just cannot take somebody you are attracted to or somebody that is interested in you and have them fill that slot. There has to be enough alignment. There has to be enough to work with over the long term.

So saying no to what you do not want, saying - - being the chooser is critical. Because chances are somebody that is attracted to you and wants to be with you is not necessarily good for you in the long term. There has to be a mutual alignment. So it is just essential but it is the scariest thing for a lot of singles. But it is very, very doable we just have - - we just need a few little tools and strategies for how to do that.

Dr. Wright: Yes. There are some people feel that that is not romantic because it is like they are going through an evaluation.

David Steele: Yes. There is other thing called "The law of attraction." And I was a therapist for a lot of years and I never heard of the law of attraction until I got into coaching. And coaches - - that is almost all they talk about the law of attraction. And at first it sounded kind of new agey to me like what? That "Law of attraction." And what it means is what is inside shows up on the outside.

And what you put your attention to that is where your energy goes that ends up would be - - what happens in your life. So if you have a positive mindset, if you have a mindset of abundance like I am a wonderful person and all the resources and opportunities that I need or want in my life will come to me.

The law of attraction will help you.

If you are coming from fear "Oh, my God. I am single. I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. And here is this person who is interested in me. I better take what I can get or I am going to be alone for the rest of my life." Well, the law of attraction is going to work against you. It is going to be real because you think it is real.

Dr. Wright: Okay. I want to ask you what is the best way to balance our heart with our head?

David Steele:Well, we get attracted to people and we have all these hormones in our body that make us feel very, very excited. And this is good information. I think it is useful information to go ahead and pursue somebody that you are attracted to. And it does not work if you are not attracted to somebody. Really, there has to be chemistry. However, there are also has to be an alignment of vision and purpose and wants.

So this is what I mean by balance your heart with your head, pursue somebody, get involved with somebody you are definitely attracted to. There is the chemistry there. And make sure that all your requirements are met because the strongest chemistry in the world is not enough to make the relationship work long term. It has to be both. Heart and head, chemistry and requirements.

Dr. Wright: Wonderful. Chemistry and requirements. That is going to be our watchword for today. Tell us what it takes to be a successful single?

David Steele: Probably the most important feature of a successful single is being happy while you are single. And if you do not really want to be single that might be counter-intuitive to you. But the law of attraction is very real. It is kind of like the law of the universe like gravity. I discovered that it is really a powerful thing. And if you are not happy being single then your relationships are not going to be happy either.

So it is our job as singles to have the best life possible for us. Live our vision while we are single. And then the law of attraction will help us and will find the life partner that is aligned with us. And trust me, if you want a relationship you are not going to be alone for the rest of your life. Relationships happen anyway, we are social beings. This is what we do. So do not let your fears prevent you from being happy while you are single.

Dr. Wright: So singles need to find, even if you are not happy about necessarily being single, they need to find other things in their lives to be happy and grateful about.

David Steele: Right. And for example, it is important to get your social and emotional needs met while you are single. So this is where your community comes in, your friends, and your family. And have lots of people in your life so that you do not feel alone. And you feel like "Hey, you know what? I am happy. And I have - - I am loved. And I have lots of great people in my life. And it will be fine if I were single for the rest of my life." Its that kind of surrendering that tends to just bring the person you most want in your life. It just makes it happen. I found this myself. There is a certain amount of surrender that is necessary. When we get to attached to a goal, we make it go farther away.

Its like if you want to make a million dollars and if you focus on money, that million dollars is going to get farther and farther away. But if you focus on what you love, doing what you love, then sure, you might make a million dollars but you are going to be happy in the process. Similar to finding a life partner. Be happy and have the life you really want. And the life partner that you want will come into your life. And you will find him. You know the movie "Field of Dreams" I love the quote. "If you build it they will come."

Dr. Wright: So if you build a peaceful, loving self, someone will come.

David Steele: Absolutely. The law of attraction will help you. But it is not going to work if you are home alone all by yourself. You definitely have to get out there and live the life that you really want while you are single.

Dr. Wright: Exactly. One more question. You tell people to make a dating plan. I have never heard of that before. What is a dating plan?

David Steele: Well, a dating plan means that you start with - - you begin with the end in mind. So if what you want is a certain lifestyle, a certain life, a certain kind of partner in your life, a certain relationship, what does that look like? Who are you? And what do you want? And then you are going to plan your life and your activities in order to make that happen.

So we already talked about your vision and your purpose and living a life you want while you are single. So for example, me, I am a coach and I am a therapist and I find that I have very little in common with people - - with women for example, that are not in the health profession in some way. If they are data entry operators in some big corporation they might be fun but they are not life partner material.

So where am I going to find somebody aligned with me. I might find him in my professional association. It is going to be somebody who is a social worker or a therapist or a coach or something like that. So my plan would involve being around those kinds of people looking for that kind of person in my life. So it is more focused. I am not just going to be surfing the Internet randomly for anybody that will return my emails.

Dr. Wright: Okay. That is very, very important. Thank you so much for being a part of the podcast. It is so great talking to you. And this is some wonderful information.

David Steele: Thank you Dr. Wright for having me. And anybody interested in more information about me or my book or Conscious Dating can go to www.consciousdating.com.

Dr. Wright: Okay. Thank you so much.

David Steele: Okay.

Dr. Wright: And again this has been idcdating.com podcast. And we were talking about really chemistry and requirements. IDC dating podcast or idcdating.com is creating multicultural relationships every day. And you can visit us on the web at www.idcdating.com. And we will also have all of our guests' information and links there that you can follow up. Thanks for being with us. And remember ignoring what is conscious is really neither safe, nor right.

49 responses to "How to stop dead end relationships - before they begin"

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  1.   black044 says:
    Posted: 04 May 09

    yes it was a good read

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  2.   Ana says:
    Posted: 14 Aug 08

    Very good information, especially the part about enjoying being single & the stuff on the law of attraction. Thanks.

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  3.   Sharon says:
    Posted: 13 Jan 08

    Thanks for some great tips... Smiles Sharon

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  4.   DreadDIVA says:
    Posted: 14 Dec 07

    Yes, I agree the gut never lies.

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  5.   mossimo36 says:
    Posted: 08 Nov 07

    Very true Cheri!! Gut feelings are usually correct

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  6.   CHERI says:
    Posted: 22 Oct 07

    Always go with your gut feeling

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  7.   Fala says:
    Posted: 11 Sep 07

    No Unme, this End is alive and well.

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  8.   tanasha says:
    Posted: 16 Aug 07

    i hope this article will not be a dead end

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  9.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 10 Aug 07

    i hope fala, isnt a dead end..........lol

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  10.   Coco says:
    Posted: 10 Aug 07

    You know what they say...you can't expect someone else to love you until you truly learn to love yourself. Makes sense to me!

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  11.   Kara says:
    Posted: 30 Jul 07

    I agree. That true intellectual/emotional/sensual connection is SO beautiful and life-giving, but so very rare to find. I once found that, but wasn't sure we had the same vision for what we wanted out of life. It's much easier to find men who want the same kind of life I do, but if you don't have that ultimate compatibility, who cares? Once you've had that ultimate compatibility it's really hard to settle. I'd rather be single the rest of my life than to commit to someone I'm not fully compatible with.

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  12.   mossimo36 says:
    Posted: 30 Jul 07

    Ending several dead end relationships at once??

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  13.   ann says:
    Posted: 26 Jul 07

    I'm off to his website!! Thanks!!!

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  14.   choxiejason says:
    Posted: 20 Jul 07

    What the ... Who said that? Well, I outta ...

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  15.   RayneDelay says:
    Posted: 17 Jul 07

    I really want to be in love. I want to know what that feels like.

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  16.   RayneDelay says:
    Posted: 17 Jul 07

    Dead end relationships are all to common. I am about to end a dead end relationship right now. Actually I have a few.

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  17.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 17 Jul 07

    yes it is sonu.

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  18.   hiimsteph says:
    Posted: 15 Jul 07

    There's an interesting article that was posted on msn that indicated five true signs that a relationship is going to end., once such as drastic changes in your mates look, argument starting over nothing, pretty true stuff.

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  19.   sonu786 says:
    Posted: 05 Jul 07

    yes this is right communication is the key!!!

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  20.   sweetnes20 says:
    Posted: 28 Jun 07

    i bet he is.

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  21. Posted: 23 Jun 07

    i wonder if the doc, who wrote this is single.

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  22. Posted: 22 Jun 07

    us men are just in a no win situation.

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  23.   Fala says:
    Posted: 21 Jun 07

    Women don't need signs - they should be obvious!

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  24.   Cocokisses says:
    Posted: 20 Jun 07

    LOL @ FALA...too funny!

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  25. Posted: 18 Jun 07

    what about you ladies sweetnes?

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  26.   sweetnes20 says:
    Posted: 16 Jun 07

    i think all guys should wear signs.

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  27.   Fala says:
    Posted: 10 Jun 07

    Maybe the Moonies are behind the lack of comments on this article. They seem to be involved in everything else.

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  28.   SoulFlower says:
    Posted: 10 Jun 07

    I agree there is no set answer to this one. Do what you feel is right for you.

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  29.   Fala says:
    Posted: 09 Jun 07

    Well I think the only answer is - join a nunnery or the priesthood. Just avoid the opposite sex all together. They're poison!!!!

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  30.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 08 Jun 07

    well somebody should find an answer soon........lol

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  31.   fala says:
    Posted: 08 Jun 07

    Conscious dating is an interesting concept. Unconscious dating sounds even more intriguing.

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  32. Posted: 06 Jun 07

    good point coco.

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  33.   sweetnes20 says:
    Posted: 05 Jun 07

    i think they should put up street signs.

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  34.   Fala says:
    Posted: 05 Jun 07

    Is it just me or does the author of this article look a bit sinister?

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  35.   Cocokisses says:
    Posted: 03 Jun 07

    I think there aren't more comments because no one really has the answer to this one...

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  36. Posted: 01 Jun 07

    sometimes you just dont know.

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  37.   Fala says:
    Posted: 30 May 07

    I ll let you borrow the map as soon as I find one Unme.

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  38.   sweetnes20 says:
    Posted: 27 May 07

    i dont understand why there isnt more comments on this article.

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  39.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 26 May 07

    then please help fala....lol

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  40.   sweetnes20 says:
    Posted: 26 May 07

    you tell him fala!!!

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  41.   Cocokisses says:
    Posted: 25 May 07

    LOL @ FALA :) Now you know men don't know how to ask for directions :) That's why the poor dear keeps ending up on dead end roads...LOL!

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  42.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 25 May 07

    its either a dead end street or a one way!!!!

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  43.   Fala says:
    Posted: 25 May 07

    Unme you gotta stop going down all those dead end streets!

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  44.   unme23 says:
    Posted: 24 May 07

    a feeling that only one can know.

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  45. Posted: 23 May 07

    communication is the key!!!

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  46.   sweetnes20 says:
    Posted: 23 May 07

    sometimes you just dont know.

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  47.   kenyanito says:
    Posted: 22 May 07

    I agree with the article but sometimes communication doesn't mean you have chemistry

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  48.   UNME23 says:
    Posted: 18 May 07

    THEY ALL SEEM TO END TOWARDS A DEAD END.

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  49.   Cocokisses says:
    Posted: 17 May 07

    I agree wholeheartedly with this article. I happen to be a very intuitive person. If you are having a problem communicating in the beginning stages, cut your losses and move on. Life is too short to settle for someone you aren't really in to. Do your best to find someone who truly makes you happy. You have to think that you truly deserve the best, and if you don't, who will?

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