CRAZY Asian Mothers Threatening Suicide About Son's Black Girlfriend?!

Posted by Christelyn, 01 May 13

As someone who is often sought for advice on interracial relationships, I’ve heard some cray cray stuff, but none as crazy as Asian moms threatening their sons that they will commit suicide if they marry their black girlfriends. And why? They feel like having a black daughter-in-law will literally make them die of shame.

Christelyn D. Karazin is the co-author of "Swirling: How to Date, Mate & Relate, Mixing Race, Culture and Creed," and the publisher of the popular interracial dating blog, Beyond Black & White.

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I had a male friend (Chinese) have his mother threaten to kill herself when she learned that he would be taking his long distance romance with a Jamaican girl from Florida a bit closer, as in, he was going to move her in his home. Did I mention his mother was living there too? It caused my friend so much stress and heart ache that I believe it may have contributed to their ultimate break up.

Now it has happened again, this time with a female friend who has been dating a Vietnamese man for some time (her story in my book, Swirling).  Their relationship continues to become more serious and committed and the rainbeau’s mother is about ready to fall on a Samurai sword. She wrote me this…

So this man’s mother tells him… that Im fat (which ok but actively losing for me not for her by a long shot), black and tell his sister (who bless her heart did her best to vouch for me ) that because Im black and have a child I would con [my boyfriend] into getting me pregnant and then once I had the baby leave him and take him for everything he is worth….. THEN tell [him] that if he ever brings me home she will KILL HERSELF and that she would rather die than be the laughing stock of the Vietnamese community.

I’ll pause for effect.

I have had my share of rejection dished out when The Hubster and I became serious. It was an adjustment for his parents and their WASP-Y friends. I recall once that upon hearing that Mike and I had (temporarily) broken up, a family friend blurted out to my mother-in-law, “Aren’t you relieved?” But Iguaran-dang-tee you nobody threatened to do harm to themselves if we were to marry. Once The Hubster’s parents realized this was the real deal, they fell in line.

Being rejected by the parents of the man you love for the color of your skin is incredibly hurtful. I think I would have rather been rejected because they thought I was a bitch, or that I sang off-key or something. Rejection by way of birth makes you feel powerless.

My friend continues…

I literally have never experienced anything like this before I hover in a weird state of resentment hatred and just plan awe of the ignorance of mostly his mother (shes a drama queen) I took the advice of my asian friends and sent a gift and a note explaining that i understand that they just wnt the best for their son but if they would just get to know me id love to get to know them and take them out to dinner… so they pretty much shit on my gift (an expensive 100+ dollar edible arrangement) and let it spoil then threw it away….. sigh i swear to God they thought i was trying to poison them or something but fuck im at the end of my rope with these damn people…. and really im so tired of the racism in the asian community its not even like in America its almost like they know zero black people and base everything they know about black people on played out crime dramas on ABC.

So what is this couple to do? Apparently her beau isn’t taking this well, and has had to seek a therapist.

Honestly I’m outraged for this couple myself. It mystifies me how other minorities in this country try to pull rank on the totem pole. What these parents are doing to their children is sheer torture, and they should be ashamed.

That said, this is where it takes some cultural sensitivity to look at this situation without my American lenses on. Many in the Asian culture don’t necessarily marry for love first. Marriage is a merging of families and a combining of wealth and resources. And in that culture, the son is everything. The parents often go to live with the son when they become elderly, and the son’s wife is obliged to basically be on her mother-in-law’s beck and call. I’m assuming the suicide threat has more to do with Mommy Dragon feeling like my friend won’t understand and honor these traditions in her old age.

For couples who are going through similar challenges, here’s my recommendation:

Be a united front. You both need to communicate to his parents that this relationship is happening. Just remain respectful and avoid angry confrontations.

Be sympathetic and empathetic. You’re rainbeau needs to know that you will support and stand with him. An Asian man who fears his parents is not inherently weak. That’s the wrong interpretation of what’s going on. Try not to blame your guy for the outrageous behavior of his parents. It’s not his fault–he was born into this situation and had absolutely no say in the matter.

Understand this isn’t necessarily personal. Yes; their rejection based on race hurts you personally, but their bigotry really has nothing to do with you. Any non-Asian who isn’t white would most likely stir up this cluster-cuss.

Don’t force it. It is impossible to influence the behavior of others, but you have complete control over how and what you allow into your psyche.

Know When to Leave. Understand that the way your boyfriend handles this obstacle will set the tone for how he will stand up and defend you until the day his parents are in the ground. Know what your tolerance level is, and follow the relationships equation: If it feels bad more than it feels good, it’s time to call it quits.

One final word: While I want AM/BW relationships to succeed, I think black women need to exercise some serious caution and do a bit of vetting beforehand. Find out if your guy’s parents are immigrants–that’s a biggie. They are not even close to understanding the independent American ideals about romance. And since Asian guys don’t usually bring a girl around the family until he’s really serious, you’re going to have to observe how much of a spine your man has in other ways, and really listen to how he speaks about how he and his parents relate to each other, and what sort of expectations they have.

12 responses to "CRAZY Asian Mothers Threatening Suicide About Son's Black Girlfriend?!"

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  1.   mr.cheerful says:
    Posted: 07 Jun 13

    One fool less let her die.I am in the Caribbean.

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  2. Posted: 31 May 13

    its so sad that there are still people who really can think like this....shame.

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  3.   leeboknam says:
    Posted: 25 May 13

    I think it is important to remember that marriage (no matter the race) is more than just how the two main people interact with each other. If most people consider hobbies, interests, and even socio-economic status, then we should definitely consider the relationships, especially the familial ones. These connections are more permanent than flights of fancy. We have to consider the sacrifices, expectations, and triumphs shared. Hence, it is hard for people to just abandon their roots or just be different from the family. We also have to consider that most families will categorize people a certain way - no matter what the current situation is. I know of a woman 70+ that is still referred to as the baby. She is retired with grandchildren but is still referred to as such even by those younger. Granted, she never once requested to be called differently, but the point is people don't easily adapt. Another example of this is when people get married. Often times more conflicts arise with the parents because they have a hard time relinquishing control, accepting their child is no longer their baby and/or fearing a loss of connection. Dealing with in-laws or your own parents at this time can be difficult no matter the culture. If you are an Asian male that likes what the family does not, you should figure out how to make it work. Consider making introductions/socializations of potential mates sooner. You should do the prep work to make the transition smoother. If you already know that no matter the timing, there will be no acceptance - consider moving far enough away from the family. This way they can not easily visit. You in the mean time, can get married and have kids (without telling the family.) Hence, by the time the family finds out - it would be pointless to threaten suicide. If you as an Asian male are not willing to ease the transition or move away, then you should not even bother getting involved with a Black woman in any shape of form. I recommend that women learn about the family and interactions like it was already mentioned here. I would just take it a step further and have an honest, direct chat with the beau to figure out how they would fit. Then they should meet the family in a low key environment... like a cookout where different friends are allowed to join.

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  4.   rare_flower says:
    Posted: 20 May 13

    I cannot speak for the US but living in Europe I find that there are very few positive images of black women in the media. We're either loud and obnoxious, poor and helpless, or gyrating our bodies in rap videos. Of course, there's much more to a race than what's shown on tv, but the sad truth is tv is highly influential, and it seems that other races have a problem seeing black women as anything else. Here in Scandinavia I have experienced on more than one occasion racism by Asians (and others) who have a problem with my level of education and act like, how can a black girl be doing a PhD/postdoc? I remember on another blog about a racist incident that happened in southern Sweden, where an Asian man reported that a Danish person told him that blacks were harder to integrate into society than other races. Instead of thinking for himself, the Asian swallowed this as absolute truth. IT SUCKS.

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  5.   loveu says:
    Posted: 13 May 13

    They like black men but not black women..it is the same across the board..all races..sad :'(

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  6. Posted: 09 May 13

    You can hang your self if you want to,..I won't be getting married for anyone,.Well people do for a reason,if that's her reason to die,.Then I don't care,.People should respect other peoples decisions,..Love is Emotional and trust me if you truly love someone,you don't care if a person is going to die for you to break Up,..I wouldn't leave that lady I love for any reason..People just want to get hooked up,get married or be in a relationship cus their friends are in a relationship,.Most don't understand what it takes to be with that one special person,.If my mum wants to kill her self,that's probably cus she's old and tired of living and not cus am going to marry a different race,.Its a Business !!!

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  7.   redrose7777 says:
    Posted: 06 May 13

    Black people can dish it out as well as we can take it. Who was that black comedian who said Asians dropped a spoon on the floor when it was time to name their kids? (ping, pong, ping) I grew up in California with people from all over the world and I think blacks living in less diverse areas sometimes overlook the fact that "other minorities" don't always worship whites, and they sometimes don't feel like they have a place in America. I have heard Asians say they feel invisible in a "black and white" world in America seldom seeing themselves on tv, movies, the way whites and to some extent, blacks are shown. I have also heard Asians praise Blacks for having the kind of united front that brings about civil rights changes. And let's not forget how popular the NBA is in Asia and how Kim Jong whatever was falling all over Dennis Rodman of all people!

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  8.   dave_74 says:
    Posted: 04 May 13

    I agree with with officer E said about the social hierarchy that many Asians view whites on top and blacks on the bottom. Our cultures and pasts may be/ may have been a bit backwards, but as individuals, we can choose on our own whether we move forward or remain backwards.

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  9.   1Kye says:
    Posted: 03 May 13

    Know When To Leave! Do your best to move on. Love him enough to let him go. Love yourself enough to live in peace. Life is hard enough and living ain't easy. If the mother feels this strongly about the relationship, constantly fighting this issue can or will break you [your spirit] down. This situation can affect not only your psyche, but you physically as well. Your health could start to deteriorate. You deserve to be totally happy. I don't want anything that brings me misery, not even for a moment. There are families (of all races) out there that simply want to see their sons happy. Life is too short, be as happy as you can, while you can.

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  10.   Gaetano says:
    Posted: 02 May 13

    she still lives in the stone age. Black Women to me are the most Beautiful and Exotic women in the world and Highly Intelligent and Take no shit. and what is this race stuff about. I thought all of us belong to one Race. "The Human Race". i will pray for the Asian Mother, that she should overcome her Ignorance overwhelmed by stupidity. PS accept and welcome this Beautiful Black Women with Loving and Open arms, not to mention the children will most certainly be Beautiful.

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  11.   needee says:
    Posted: 02 May 13

    Why is it, if a Asian man go with a Caucasian woman, everything its OK ,but if he go with an African American woman, it brings shame to the family. Same thing with the Asian women who goes with African American men.

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    • Officer-E says:
      Posted: 03 May 13

      Because some asian people see Whites to be at the top of the social hierarchy (a place they want to be) and at the same time they see Blacks to be at the bottom (a place they wish to avoid at all cost). Being a black man who has a lot of repect particularly for the Chinese culture (the little that I know of it), I hate to sound like I'm stereotyping a group of people. However, it seems like some asians are so type A when it come to socio-economic status that everything else is secondary. I bet if that woman's son were dating Opra Winfrey, she would not be talking about offing herself.

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