Can dating more than one person be ok? Tell me about it

Posted by James, 05 Jul 07

lovetriangle.jpgIs there a particular time when dating multiple people is excusable? Did I just hear a “HELL NO!᾿? Well, according to some people there are times when you can be excused.

One lady said that since she has always been the type of girl that gets into serious relationships a little too soon, she figured it was time to try NOT to jump into anything that quickly… taking it slow you know. So apparently, she found herself into a situation I dare not call a love triangle… This one is a love quadruple. She is dating three guys, all of whom she enjoys spending time with. Of course guilt has started catching up with her. And her main worry now is; dating multiple people may deter her from developing stronger feelings for any of them.

Considering this woman is suddenly feeling guilty, shows that she has realized that there is no excuse for multi-dating. Well I remember once having two girlfriends. I and the official one were having problems and the other one was like an escape for me. For a while there, I justified my actions but what we fear most happened… guilt, happened.

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So since that didn’t work for me, does the decision to take things slow warrant having multiple partners so you can have a whole array of people to choose from, or should this be replaced with not dating at all? When did you multi-date and didn’t feel guilty about it? When is it excusable?

Tags: dating, love triangle

19 responses to "Can dating more than one person be ok? Tell me about it"

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  1. Posted: 26 Nov 09

    HELL NOOOO !!!! i would not date more than one person anyway ......bc if you happen to like both of the women and when your emotion get involved there will be a problem. Every 1 know that women don't like to share their man with no 1 but herself. I have problem with just being with ONE woman now and to show her that my heart only for 1 person at a time . I work in a Nails shop and i deal with women constantly so i hear stories about women can be so sneaky and have 2 and 3 men that they be dating at the same time ......or even still talking to their Ex bf or husband WTF ? I think that is so rude and so wrong for women to do that when they are in a new relationship. Thank GOD...i don't do that and i wouldn't wanna be on Jerry Springers or get caught on Cheater anyway.

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  2.   sassykae says:
    Posted: 06 Jan 09

    Dating is about preferences. If you can deal with more than one person at a time more power to you that's okay too. I prefer to do it one at a time. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes is fun but since it's what I want, it's best for me!

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  3. Posted: 15 Oct 08

    As a woman who has erred in NOT dating more than one man at a time, I have to agree with Mlle007x, and get the definition of "Dating" straight. Dating is getting to know people, finding out who they are, what they are about, and if I even like them! I see no problem with dating more than one man(anymore). At 39, I'm not sure what I want anymore! I thought it was marriage, but right now, I just want to go out and meet men, find out who they are, see if I even like them, and no, that doesn't mean I'm having sex with ANY of them! And yes, if I do find that I'm dating more than one man at a time, they will all know I'm dating another guy. Sex will not be involved, because I really want to know if there's more than just the physical attraction. Humans can be physically attracted to each other, and find they really have no other connection other than the hormones. I do get LambertD's use of the car metaphor, but that's not quite right either! SWF68, you're quite right about the perfection. There is none. I suppose there is the quest for an "ideal one", but in order to find happiness with others there has to be happiness alone.

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  4.   SWF68 says:
    Posted: 15 Oct 08

    You know Tatted, I am so with you on the "disclaimer", No offense Lambert - but I am so tired of hearing, "I want this, won't tolerate that" We do not come perfect!!! And the older we get the more life experiences we've had. These were hard lessons well learned by my own self when stepping out into the dating world! Here is a bit of advice I want to share... Know what you want! I mean really really know... And do not settle for anything less. If you want a bed partner, look for a bed partner. If you want a LTR, then state that! Like attracts Like! When you settle for less than you deserved, you get exactly what you settled for!

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  5. Posted: 14 Oct 08

    I have to say I agree across the board that honesty is KEY here. As long as there is a FULL-DISCLOSURE policy in place somewhere in your "dating rule book" then there will be less chances of drama, unnecessary hurt feelings, etc... Now with that being said....I, personally speaking, am more in line with what BIG MAMA and SWF68's sentiments. Actually, SWF says almost EXACTLY how I feel on the matter. I think it does not necessarily takes forever to get to know whether or not someone is on par with what you are really looking for in a life-partner (IF that is what you are really looking for - if not, then so be it....have your fun, just remember.....HONESTY goes a long way). I mean, some people just have sooooo many rules and requirements when it comes to finding someone that they forget the REAL fun part of it. I think it says alot when people find it so easy to equate car buying or interviewing (DISCLAIMER: NOT "attacking" those here who have used those terms...just stating an opposite view here)....I see this type of thing all the time. People go at a love relationship like it is some sort of business. I guess I am just one of those people who would like to have a bit of "magic" come into play when it comes to finding someone I'd like to be my "significant other". I think the story we could possibly tell our grandchildren someday would be a GREAT pay-off....lol. I tend to think the person that I would really want to be with would be willing to go one-on-one almost immediately only due to the fact that that would mean they have at least the will to forego all the "choices" they could have to give us a fair shot. I think too many people are worried about "settling" or that the "next best thing" is right around the corner. This MIGHT be valid...then again you might be bypassing someone, that if given their proper opportunity, would give you everything you never even knew you really wanted/needed. Love is a gamble....PERIOD. You can try and hedge your "bets" by multi-dating or you could let it all ride on one.....I might be the risk-taker on this one.....lol. What it boils down to is what you REALLY want. If you just want to "date" and have fun that is cool and there are millions upon millions of people you can do that with. But if you want to have a real commited relationship dating multiple people may or may not be the best method in which to find that person. LOL......I think I would actually prefer the "online dating" approach. It's SIMPLE(no getting "dolled-up" for some twit you hardly know), CHEAP(no one has to spend ridiculous amounts of money trying to "impress" the other person) but you get to make a proper choice (man I LOVE watching the inconsistencies between what someone writes in their profile and how they proceed to approach and interact with me.....hilarious) before being put on the "spot".....DAYUM NEAR PERFECT WAY, if you ask me.....LMAO.

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  6.   SWF68 says:
    Posted: 13 Oct 08

    I agree with Big Mama... I don't like to date more than 1 man at a time. Why? Because I like feeling important enough to be given a fair chance. If I do not treat other's the way I want to be treated, what do I expect in return??? They say you can figure out if you want to get to know someone better within the 5 minutes after the introduction. I have to agree with that. If I want to know more, then why wouldn't I give it 100%? If I feel that you are not doing the same, then no need to continue & waste each other's time. This is just like everything else, it's a preference! I prefer open minded men who are here to find 1 woman. Some prefer men with blonde hair, green eyes, intellegence, & on & on & on... Your definition of "dating" should be discussed from the get go. If at any point that changes, be upfront & say "I'm just not feeling you anymore & have decided to move on"... Trust me, it isn't rejection - it's just what I said, "NOT feeling you anymore!" I'd much rather be told THAT than to be told, "Hey - I was also chatting with someone else & she now has my attention, thanks for the ride!" or this one:____________________ (nothing) dumped! No call, No explaination, Nothing... Think about it!

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  7.   Member says:
    Posted: 18 Jul 08

    I'm sure that there are people out there, Who like dancing close to the edge. But at what price? Is it really worth all the heart ache and the drama? One MAN or WOMAN should be enough. Don't write a check your ASS can't cash!

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  8.   BubLee says:
    Posted: 11 Apr 08

    I believe dating is about meeting people with whom you are both trying to decide whether your both compatable to take it to the next level...meaning a serious relationship. Dating is also a period of time when your finding out whether the other person is being honest and being real with you so you can build trust to move to the next level. There are lots of factors that determine how fast or how slow each couple move in that direction. It depends on how you feel in that stage with that person. Just because your dating someone does it mean your having sex with them? Do we assume that because someones multiple dating their physically intimate with all of them? The important thing is to be up front and honest with whomever your with and establish what it is you each want and expect right in the here and now. While I do not actively seek multiple dates or make rules regarding such, I think while it is in the dating stage I am free to see whomever I like because no commitment has been made by either party, otherwise it would be a relationship. As regards to the woman in the blog who felt guilty, its obvious she developed enough feelings to feel like she was doing the wrong thing. This would be my cue personally that I had become emotionally attached to that person, and needed to decide what those feelings were exactly. If I came to the conclusion that I wanted something more from the other person then its up to me to discus that with them to see if they felt the same. If the response is positive you move into a relationship. If not well you have to make a decision but you are still free to date. In essense its up to the individual what their feeling are and what their prepared to give and lets face it lose.

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  9.   azsunbather says:
    Posted: 11 Feb 08

    I think dating more than one person is fine, it gives you a variety to choose from and i think that you have a better chance of the finding the one that you want and the emotional attachment is there in the meantime so you dont get hurt.

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  10.   LambertD says:
    Posted: 25 Aug 07

    As I have a tendency to speak and even think in metaphors, I'll use the "new car" metaphor. Would you go out, knowing generally what type of car you'd like to buy not test drive that car? And in driving that car, you find the seat is uncomfortable, the blindspots are too big, the trunk is too small, engine isn't powerful enough. So too is dating, and I do mean "DATING". Dating, to me is about narrowing the choices, not about jumping into a commitment. If one allows oneselvf to take a step back; get to know the person, see how they eat, see how they conduct themselves in public, see how they react to different locals and situations, then you can make better choices and have a better idea as to finding your commonalities and differences. Dating, to me, is NOT about notching your bedpost, and I don't even want to kiss at least until the second or third date, even at that, if there even is a third date. I do date a lot and I do date multiple women, but I also keep it light and fluffy, like cotton candy, until I make a "mutually exclusive" dating commitment. Going back to the metaphor, it is like finding the type of car you like, now lets see if it is the "exact" car you want. Being mutually exclusive means for both the man and the woman that each has met the BASIC expectations of the other for being mate material. This is a precursor to engagement (or moving in together), without the formality. This is where you look to see if there is any underlying thing that would stop you from spending your life with that person. You get to learn the quirks, and yes we all have them, about the other person, and once discovered, can they be accepted or overcome? It is usually in the mutually exclusive phase of dating that I discover problem areas; alcoholism, drug abuse, co-dependence..., thus I've been able to get out relatively unscathed. Of course in the initial dating phase, signs might be there for something wrong, and I've discovered a lot, determining that person is not for me, or I'm not for that person. I've found that in the initail dating phase, I don't get my feelings hurt if I'm "cast aside", because I've not made that emotional commitment.

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  11.   Mlle007x says:
    Posted: 05 Aug 07

    ...I think we are all forgetting one key component here- "DATING" is just that-"DATING". There is no strings attached or committment in the "dating" phase. Its not a "relationship". You are just getting to know the person and assessing them for long-term material. So, on that basis, what is wrong with dating more than one person???

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  12. Posted: 26 Jul 07

    yep, what I said was racist, but true. I never back down from anything I say. and I was not talking about other cultures that do not have a choice to date. I was talking about the american culture, so lets not get off topic. men just want women in general to stay in a box. we are not supposed to date more than one man. we are supposed to focus on one man and if he plays us, then we are supposed to cry over him. I do not have that problem, I rule my board. And if one guy acts out of line. he is off my list. I'm on to the next one. at this time, one man has risen above the rest. he has earned my trust and I have axed the others. I plan to devote my time to him and start a relationship. but if he acts out of line to many times, out he goes.

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  13. Posted: 26 Jul 07

    yep, what I said was racist, but true. I never back down from anything I say. and I was not talking about other cultures that do not have a choice to date. I was talking about the american culture, so lets not get off topic. men just want women in general to stay in a box. we are not supposed to date more than one man. we are supposed to focus on one man and if he plays us, then we are supposed to cry over him. I do not have that problem, I rule my board. And if one guy acts out of line. he is off my list. I'm on to the next one. at this time, one man has risen above the rest. he has earned my trust and I have axed the others. I plan to devote my time to him and start a relationship. but if he acts out of line to many times, out he goes.

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  14.   Mustang14u says:
    Posted: 18 Jul 07

    sinsia vex, What you said was racist. People as a whole have misconceptions as to what dating is. Not just one particular race. And another thing in some cultures you dont get a chance to date at all. Your mate is chosen for you. And last of all but not least. You learn your dating habits from the adults you live with or that surround you as you grow up. Men are territorial by nature. This is why they make the comments they do. Even though they date other people.

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  15.   Mustang14u says:
    Posted: 18 Jul 07

    Yes, It is more than ok to date more than one person. Guilt should not be an issue unless you are sneaking behind someones back to date another person. That is the point of dating. To find the one you want to be with. Not to be trapped in a relationship that is going nowhere fast. Do please get your date on but make it very plain to all those involved there is someone else.

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  16.   hiimsteph says:
    Posted: 13 Jul 07

    im not a fan of dating more than one person myself... feelings get blurry and things can get nasty..my advice would not to do it at all..

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  17. Posted: 11 Jul 07

    you are a black guy, I can tell, and as ususal, you did not really read my post. first of all. all the men know I'm dating them. they are dating other people to. I think the problem in the black community is that you really do not know what dating is. dating is going out on a social basis in hopes of more. it is like an interview. you go out with the person, do various things together, like bike riding, wine tasting, or even going to movies and dinner. after a couple of times. if you like one another, you will cease dating other people. and propose to one another that you want to persue the realationship to a deeper level. and when I do mean deeper level. I do not mean jumping into bed. both parties commit to only making time withone another in hopes of lasting commitment. I think you have never had a real datining experience. that is why I know you are black. that is why I do not date black men. you think that a woman is suppose to go out with you one time. and you are bonded forever! it does not go that way. that is why black relationships do not work. you move to fast!. I'm not hurting anyone.how do I not have respect for myself! what the hell do you mean by that! I'm not sleeping with anyone. I'm dating. the guys I'm dating are dating others to find the right person. and guess what! after dating these 8 men. I relized the one I really like. and he likes me. and we just planned to stop dating other people and focused one another. I knew five guys before him, and if I focused on one. I would not have met him. the other men will not be hurt why would they? we are not married, all we did was go out. they will continue to date others till they find, "the one" so your idea of dating is a cutural thing. that is why black men and black women cannot get it right. your priorities are all wrong

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  18.   eazyman says:
    Posted: 11 Jul 07

    i think the person who made the first comment has been hurt before in a relationship now thank about it it you had a daugther or son getting played like that you would be upset because you would not want them to get hurt so when are dating think about because no one want to get and really if you have more than one person talking to you you will never never ever get a emotional bond with none of them so if you love yourself as well as other you would take one at a time that way that person you are seeing get your full attention you feel me and you can bond if there is something there dating 3 or 5 person is sick im my book, that just saying i out here to play games and your not real all,and let me tell you this also for all those women out there that does this type of dating in no good and not for you because she has no respect for herself and the other person feeling it all about her and another she thinks in her head she got game but really what going to happen is one day it will catch up with her and that why you see women found missing or even dead and just why would you as a person would put your life on line because its fun with playing with people feeling thats just crazy ,in my book do it the right way one at a time,because dating two person at one time you may miss something the other has to offer and this goes for men also why because i been hurt in this way and i know how it feels and it donot feel good at all it really hurts being played with like this now this woman dating 8 men at one time she calls it fun i call it just out there trying to hurt people emotional and this person is no right at all and if this is going on this site this is bad because site is to get people to find love and not find the devil because that what these people are you feel and i just keeping just real ...............just think about it for real and stop saying woman and guy do it all the time thats not excuse to hurt anyone you never know you may get person hurt you or themself personally just really think about ,remember everyone do know think the same!

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  19. Posted: 10 Jul 07

    what is the problem with dating more than one man. Now if you are sleeping with all of them. then that is a problem. I'm dating about 8 men right now. and it is hard. but it is fun. it helps me keep my emotions under control. like, out of the 8 men I like this one in particular the best. but he is really cute and hard to hold. if things do not work out with him. I will not fall as hard. cause I have 7 others to catch me. I want a real realtionship. if I waste my time focusing on one. I will have to start all over again to find another. and that is not easy. so, I date alot of men. when I have high sexal urges, I have a "special" friend for that. he takes care of that so meanwhile I will not be to fast with the men I'm dating and I can keep everything under control. in short I think dating alot of people is good. you do not get hurt as much, you have a better chance of finding "the one" in a short time, and you are having fun in the process. who is it hurting? guys do it all the time.

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