It is easier to cast black women as undesirable – too educated, too black, too … you know those names you keep calling them. But have you ever stopped to analyze the stats? Generally, marriage in the US has considerably dropped for every race … not just for the black woman.
The marriage rate for African Americans has been dropping since the 1960s, and today, we have the lowest marriage rate of any racial group in the United States. In 2001, according to the U.S. Census, 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9 percent of black women in America had never been married, in contrast to 27.4 percent and 20.7 percent respectively for whites. African American women are the least likely in our society to marry. In the period between 1970 and 2001, the overall marriage rate in the United States declined by 17 percent; but for blacks, it fell by 34 percent …
So I guess its safe to say that we are all doomed. Lemme look at this critically:
When I look around, I get to see most black women are single … not alone though. Just single. There is a difference. These women are healthy and wealthy and have boyfriends, friends with benefits, partners or whatever you would like to call them. But when it comes to walking down the aisle, there seems to be an issue … especially for the high-powered, financially stable, well educated black women. Something is holding her back maybe …
May be in the 21st century, most sisters are battling with the thoughts for or against getting married. Maybe circumstances have put marriage out of reach. And as Baz Luhrman puts it in ‘Everybody is free (to wear sunscreen)’ :
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t,
Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,
Maybe you’ll divorce at 40,
Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…
What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either
– your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
So just because your race’s stats look much better, or just because you got married, maybe its just luck. I don’t know. Take me for example: When I was in my 20s, I was in no hurry to get married. I mean, who was to do all the travelling, take classes, build my career, date and date and date…? Those were the days when being single was the life and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It was a choice I had made; not to wait for Prince Charming. Now, I do want to get married. And I just can’t seem to get all those men who used to propose to me in my 20s – when I was least interested – to do it now. Maybe the choice to get married is half chance after all.
Forgetting the stereotypical excuses we coin to try and explain why most black women aren’t married; like lack of good black men, black women are too picky or too mean, I need to find out exactly what the black woman thinks about marriage … from her point of view. Others are also welcome to tell us what they think, but count me out if you step on a sista’s toes 
.
Instead of saying black women can’t get married, maybe we should ask: Do black women really want to get married? Are the single ones single by choice or is the choice to get married really ‘half chance’ as Baz Luhrman puts it?
***HAVE A GREAT 2009 FILLED WITH MUCH LOVE AND HAPPINESS – RIA***
I haven’t read Steve Harvey’s book yet, but I bet he was saying what blk grandmothers and mothers had been saying for years to their daughters, ” what man will buy a cow if he can get the milk free” !
I think many of those old school words of wisdom fell on deaf ears.
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The man that is not a Vegan.
I might like my milk, but I also love my steak. I joke, I joke.
I get what you mean.
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I really am curious what the marriage trends of other Afrodiasporic/African women are in contrast to that of African American women. I just don’t see Afro-Latinas really having this much of an issue with marriage. Or that much of a perception that there is an issue to be explored.
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@ Salsassin – I hear ya man! LOL
I don’t see it eitheir. From the way it looks Afro Women from other ethnicities have no problems finding mates from among blk men, despite what is said about the shortage of desirable blk men out there.
I’m at my whits end trying to figure this out. White, Hispanic, Native American, Philippino, even Pacific Islander women have to problem meeting and marrying blk men.
I’m not talking about the CEO but a avergage JOE.
I’m yet to find out what is it that these women see that blk women don’t see? I hear sisters say, “I wont settle for “any man” just for the sake of having a man!”
The question I ask is, did these women settle for anything less than a man that would love, respect them and go out everyday and try his best to make a living?
Lord knows, I know that many of us (blk men) are not fit for marraige at the present because we got serious issues to deal with and over come.
I want to know why are those that are capable of properly functioning in a relationship or marriage, why are they not being selected by blk women but by women of other ethnicities?
If the statistics are correct and more blk men marry within their ethnic group, what’s the hoopla about!
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@ Jazie you were not wrong in doing what you did, it just wasn’t wise!
Most women don’t like jumping from man to man, they prefer stable and secure relationships and so they stay with the one they love hoping he’ll make things legal between them.
Some men just don’t understand that it’s in the core of a woman’s nature to be in a stable relationship.
That’s another topic for a later time!
I’ll say this, it comes down to one thing and one thing only, “IS HE READY”, anything less than yes, your only wasting your time.
As a man, I know who I want to marry, when that women comes along that makes me want to foresake all others and disregard all my other options, that’s it, it’s a sealed deal! We’re going to see somebody and we’re going to make our thang official! ( excuse the slang )
Here’s some advice!
Ask that million dollar question and save your self alot of wasted time!
” Where do you see yourself in the next year or two? ”
If he aint saying anything that would lead you to believe that he’s wanting to settle down with someone, then you may want to thank him for his time a keep it moving!
If he starts saying, ” I want to give up my apartment and look for a bigger place or a house.”
” I’m looking to meet someone, while getting to know her and with the hopes of starting a serious relationship”
” The dating scene is played out, I’m after something permanent! ”
When you find a guy talking like that, then there’s a strong chance that he’s willing to work towards the goal of getting married.
When a man has his mind locked on a woman and his heart set on her, anything other than what he trully wants, is just an obstacle for him to go around or over!
If you don’t FEEL in your soul that you are the object of his heart’s desire, then maybe it’s because, YOU’RE NOT!
I close with a quote from my grand-mama,
” child, it’s NO SHAME if your not “THE ONE” but it’s TRIFLING when you’re “ONE of the MANY!” LOL
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Women ; GIVE THEM A GLASS OF WATER TO MAKE IT DOWN THE ROAD , as never want anyone to be thirsty. Grade A milk should only be given after marriage and 22 OUNCE T-BONE steaks are best medium well , with two eggs over easy . 2 Responsible Adults are Needed for a child to grow to be self-sufficient in their Adult lives .
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I like your grand, NOPlayer. She speaks of wisdom. We women are hard-headed. We know the gratitude we feel when someone does something nice for us and we think that by doing that for a man, it will get him to see us differently. WRONG. Men are decidedly simple; either he wants you or he doesn’t. This is a tough concept for us (note I am not excusing myself from this generalization). That thinking is completely foreign to our mode of thought.
Hopefully one day all of us will gain the amount of self-respect it takes to hold ourselves with dignity. You must first think highly of yourself before a man thinks of you at all.
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Well said Dawnshyne! I agree!
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Dawnshyne you’re right when it comes down to it as men we know who we what.
I think women at times internalize a man’s not wanting her and she starts to take it too personal.
I have expericed this on more than a few occasions were I’ve tried to be honest about my true feelings for a woman only to get trashed by her when my feelings didn’t fall in line with what see wanted.
I’m saying to myself, “what what fu$k”, where did that could from!
You hear it all day longfrom blk women, “just keep it real with me, be a man about it, say what you mean and mean what you say” but no sooner than you do, they’ll swear up and down you’re a fake or you’re playing games.
It’s like damned if you do & damed if you don’t!
I thought that you date or court eachother to get a feel for eachother and to see if the two of you should persue the relationship further.
If one deems that the other is not the right one for them, then it’s no crime to let it go and move on.
In truth I only want you if you feel in your heart I’m the one for you, anything less is phony. You’re doing me a favor by telling if I’m not the one because if we went on with the relationship and got married, time would reveal the truth.
The cost of a few dates is a hell of a lot cheaper than a divorce!
I wish more women understood that, it’s not only about them, it’s about what’s best for the other person. He should have what he feel is the best for him, men don’t feel they should accept any woman just for the sake of having a woman.
Somebody please tell me that women are not that vain!!!!!!
I feel that just because we didn’t make it together romanticaly you are still my sister and I want you to have the best and because I trully love you, I can let you go to follow your heart, would it be asking too much for a woman to feel the same way?
Just because you’re not THE ONE doesn’t mean you’re not A SPECIAL SOMEONE.
Think about it!
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Ummm, wow, touch a nerve?
And yes woman, generally, are that vain, lol. Although to be fair, I wouldn’t call it vanity. Think about it, we are told from the time we leave the womb what little princesses we are. We are told that Prince Charming is going to come and sweep us off our feet. We are told how beautiful we are and how ANY man would be lucky to have us. Then the years start rolling by and you haven’t been crowned, swept or met that lucky man.
Not only that we have about 15 good years from marketable age to the end to procreate; so then we start talking to ourselves (I did this and yes, I am willing to admit it. The truth will set u free, at least it did me.) We start telling ourselves that okay Prince Charming hasn’t come but I bet if I work hard enough I can turn him into a reasonable facsimile. And maybe he doesn’t have to sweep me off my feet; maybe if we brushes them off every once in a while it will be enough….it happens.
I understand where your anger, confusion and resentment come from (and oh boy, I got all those things from your post,
). It’s not fair of us to rationalize love and commitment and make you what we want to be. It’s not fair and it doesn’t work. If we were in our sane mind (again I am not omitting myself) then no; none of this would ever occur. You would have your set of standards and we would have ours and if they didn’t mesh; then cool. Unfortunately our set of standards are met with society opinions (you are how old and you’ve never been married); nature (tick, tock, tick, brrrrr); our own upbringing (daddy can’t wait to walk me down the isle) and whatever else is blowing in the wind. Again it ain’t right; and some of us realize what the hell we are doing (in my case did) and run just as fast as our long legs will carry us. Some of us don’t and get married, have babies and get divorced….its the real world and no, our not being right for one guy SHOULDN’T affect our psyche or self-esteem but the honest to goodness truth is that it does. Oh when we get smart enough to realize what’s going on, we appreciate it but 30 some-odd years of programming is hard to overcome just because you or Steve Harvey tell us to.
*wink*
Still love ya like a play cuzzin!
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LOL, Dawnshyne I’m glad someone understands, it’s good to know I’m not crazy! LOL
My friend, why the strong words like resentment and anger? fustration is more like it!
You have to understand why men get fustrated and say to hell with it, because at times it seems that matter what they do, they still miss the mark!
Despite what women are told as little girls and what society opinions are, you still have to accept the reality that nobody likes rejection but it’s a part of life and you have to deal with it and not let it deal with you.
I tell my oldest daughter, yes you’re beautiful but that doesn’t mean you wont face rejection. I’ve never filled her head with this foolishness about Prince Charming and all that.
It’s no wonder people have a hard time dealing with reality, hell they’re living in a fantasy world.
I think alot of women are so fustrated that they give into one or two extremes, either they give up on the hope of finding love or they foolishly fall head over heels for anything that looks like love.
Here’s the balance? This lack of balance could affect the vibes that women give off and if a man picks up the wrong vibe from a women, he’ll back off or he’ll avoid you all together.
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NOPLAYER ; You say alot of Good things in your conversations . Yes , Life is a Fantasy trip for Us All / there are No guarantees . I only have one difference of opinion at the present time with you . That is the Fact that one is not able to Find Love . It is a Quality of Life that Grows between people who Desire to Earn the right to make it Happen for them . My wife and I meet here and after talking on the telephone and online for about a month . I asked her if she would grant me the Honor of being My Wife . Which she agreed with . At my age and after being called Senile at another Blog by a Lawyer who imagines himself to be a Doctor of Psychiatric Medicine and never examining his Patient in person shows his Personal Lack of Intelligence in Life / to establish a Practice with Lack of proper Certification in my eyes would have to be against the Law . Or as I have heard in the past – Just another Quack / see Imposter LOL ; The truth , the whole truth and nothing but the truth , counsellor if you Please , Thank you . It also shows how people will spend their Lives in a Fantasy World of their own Making full of Smoke and Hot Air with a Serious Lack of Knowledge of which they speak . Hehe . As My own University Educated Daughters have told me that ” I raised them Right . ” I realize the Quality of my proper Parental Guidance in the Lifes of others .
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I am a single black female who is very independent and college educated. I do agree that dating haven’t very easy for me. I was in a dating relationship with a white guy for two years until it was over two years ago. He dumped me two times to be with the same white woman. He told me that he didn’t have the feelings for me when it come to dating or serious commitment. He said that most white women are more family-orientated than black women. I told him that it was his loss. He did end up marrying that white female after six months of dating her. He got his karma back when his white wife turned out to be more worse than me. I heard that some white women can be very bossy and controlling. Some white men will not marry or breed with a black female because of society. They would marry a white female who can be very demanding too. I do remember a black guy telling me that I am too skinny for him and too smart for him. Some black men can’t deal with a smart black female who will not put up with their crap. Some black women are not very demanding and got a high standard. Some whtie women can be very demanding and materialistic. I know that I can be a good girlfriend or wife to any guys if they give me a chance. I do not have a high standard. I just want some appreciation and respect that most white women are getting. Some of the guys (black and white) have told me that I am asking for too much when they have no problems giving it to a white women. I feel that most white women are getting the appreciation and respect than black women.
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The truth is, society thinks black women are ugly
and undesirable and so most people hate us and
do not want to be with us.
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My wife is Black as to how others see the race issue , a Brown skinned female to me . I know she is the Most Beautiful Ladie in my world and We Love each other
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I believe whole heartly that we black women aren’t getting married by choice. I’ve been asked several times to marry a few men. I never wanted to marry these me. Once I got to know their personality, I knew I wasn’t in it for the long hall. I would find out something about him that I didn’t like: His momma runnin his life or He got major anger issues or He really don’t like kids the way he said he did. My mistake was continuing to stay in the relationship for the sake of their feelings and ego. I won’t do it for anybody else…..but myself at this point and I’m so happy this way
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Wow! What an intense and interesting blog! Kudos to the contributor with the stats. I thought that was great. A few facts are always a good addition to any discussion… LOL There were a great deal of thoughtful contributions. I must say that I was incredibly impressed to see the reference citation! (not kidding).
Anyway, I will contribute my little 2 cents at the bottom here
First off, I think a huge number of black women who aren’t, WOULD like to be in a committed relationship with mutual compatibility, respect, etc… I don’t think many people are simply making a CHOICE to continue on a merry go round of ‘Mr. almost’, ‘Mr. oh-no’, ‘Mr. you got to be kidding’, ‘Mr. WHAT?’, ‘Mr. did not see THAT coming’, and on and on…
So, what is going on? Many previous bloggers have hit on a number of contributing factors. My own experience has been that:
a) I have ALWAYS been open to dating outside my race. Until very, very recent times I had not seen any behavior from anyone outside of my race that would lead me to believe that anyone outside of my race was interested in me in any way that could lead to something serious.
b) Then, it seems to me (note, before you write and beat me up, I said “it SEEMS to ME) that a woman being materially comfortable sparks one of two responses in a man who has less materially: i) His (natural) male instincts of being the hunter/provider is violated, he is uncomfortable, and either tries very, very hard to catch up with the woman materially, or he gives up and tries to pull the woman down because he feels unable to catch up to her; OR ii) His (natural) male instincts of being the hunter/provider is not functioning, and he settles down happily to enjoy the ride
This is my reason for trying to stay within a commonly shared socio-economic status (note: this is my head talking – I have had my heart kick in and ‘poof’… lol)
I stuck with my individual experience and perspective to make a point. Black women are not a vat, basket, pot, container, crate, barrel, of some undifferentiated ‘stuff’. We are individual people with divergent perspectives, experiences, and yes, even histories (a topic for another blog). There is an alarming tendency to simplify things to give ourselves the illusion of ‘control’ that the feeling of having ‘comprehended’ or ‘solved’ something can bring.
The truth is that we are on an evolving journey which is moving faster than stats can be collected, and is more meandering than can be casually observed.
So maybe we just accept that we are all in this amazing experience called life, with a myriad of possibilities still to be explored. Maybe an encouraging blog about sisters who found someone to share life with is in order. Enough with the dire proclamations of blight upon black women. I personally reject all of that negativity with a vengeance. I was married, and now I’m not. My experience was not peculiar to my race or my gender. When the time is right, I will be married again, and that experience will not be peculiar to my race or my gender.
Peace,
Miri
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About 13 out of 16 of my closest black girlfriends and sorors are married. Most to black men and a few interracial marriages.
Yes, we still have single black women, but is it just an issue with black women? I have 4 single white female friends, never been married and 2 of which aren’t thinking about it.
For those women that are seeking marriage, we do need to try dating across interracial lines. I say this with passion because limitations can cost you your soul mate.
The statistics that Salsassin referenced might be true from a statistical standpoint, but again finding a partner for life goes back to opening “oneself” up to all possibilities.
Shotgun007
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Good post Shotgun 007 and I agree with Mira’s post as well. I really detest these types of skewed logic debates because clearly the institution of marriage has suffered over the years.
Although, I was born in the USA my parents are from the West Indies, and in Jamaica (well no matter if you are Chinese, Latino etc..you are either Jamaican or a foreigner). So interracially dating as it is called in the USA is no big deal in Jamaica, since you would be marrying another Jamaican so to speak. So, even if I did not (for example only) marry a White male here, I would pull from my own West Indian cultural background and that too could be White, Black, Chinese etc….
So, I really do not get the big hoopla on some of these blog articles.
I believe more and more African-American women should date and marry and explore their options, afterall human beings are human beings. But, I do have my preferences like human beings and adults have as well.
I only have one girlfriend who is in a same race relationships.
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Very interesting blog,from the point of veiw of a middle aged white male,lets see,1 human love knows no race or group it has to do with,connecting with the thing inside the shell.2 there are many forms of love,from being just friends, to the most profound,soul love for all of mankind.3 We exist in eternal oneness with our selves,ownly on for a few seconds do we know what it is to be happy,most of life involes pain.4 the human body,vir the fact that it is matter,leads to delusion of truth, we seek something that cant be obtained.4 love can not exist in human form, AS THE BOOK PUTS IT,J C WEPT FOR MAN,he did not weep for himself, for what is immortal life dos not fear dead, supernatural power is not human mortal, fear dead,there fore his love is not of the putrid flesh,THE HIGHESS LOVE IS NOT OF THIS EARTH,BUT CAN OWNLY BE FOUND,IN THE ACT OF DEATH ITSELF.therefore be careful how you live your life, and how you decide to die.
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