Being a Man in a Woman's World
Posted by Leticia, 26 Oct 06
This month Dr Dennis Neder discusses the best ways to approach someone in a new relationship and proves that "nice guys" don't have to finish last with his tips on how to beat the "Alpha" male at his own game in a Woman's world.
Dr. WrightIDC dating.com is where we are creating multicultural relationships everyday. Today's podcast guest is Dr. Dennis Neder. He has a doctorate in metaphysics and his website is called beingaman.com. He has written two books called "Being a Man in a Woman's World" which has great dating advice for men and he also talks about relationships between men and women and how we can really make them work. Welcome to the podcast.
Dr. Dennis Neder:Thank you, Leticia, I am thrilled to be here.
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Dr. WrightTell us a little bit about being a man in a woman's world. You wrote two books actually. Why did you call it that?
Dr. Dennis Neder:I have actually written three and I am working on the fourth one but this thing all started roughly about twenty-some odd years ago when I began doing some research into the world of dating and relationships and all because I was trying to solve the problems I had in my own relationship life like we all do. We all go through the same evolutionary phases and what I discovered was the issues weren't really about meeting people. There are people all over the place. You meet them all the time. It was really all about the other elements; though the whole cultural thing, the parts of relationships that are built into our courting rituals and things that have been established for millions of years and the whole foundation of these things. What I really discovered was that even though the foundation is there, there really are some very simple steps that people can learn to really build their relationships solidly and define what it is that they are looking for.
Dr. WrightSo once we meet someone that is really just beginning. We really need to work on it from there.
Dr. Dennis Neder:Absolutely. There is the problem too of where you meet the great women or the great men. My statement is really they always keep them in a warehouse in the east side of town, of course. But in fact, great people are all over the place. The problem is that if you have the tools necessary to actually go and meet that person.
Dr. WrightThe great tool, of course, is online dating which is a newer dating tool. How do you feel like online dating has really changed the whole dating scheme in general?
Dr. Dennis Neder:Well, it really has changed the dating scene. Number one, a lot of people use online dating more as a crutch than as a benefit to them. They need to learn how to use it properly. That is a really important key we will get into in a second. The other thing too is that if you have a wide range of opportunities to meet people, then using an online dating service gives you the benefit of being able to perfect your skills, being able to determine what your goals are and find the people that fit those by going through a wide variety of people and as I write about my books, based on your goals, you may actually have to go through a volume of people. There is no message you should turn down. They are all good opportunities.
Dr. WrightThey are all good opportunities. Especially the more particular you are, you are going to need to go through a lot of different people to find that person.
Dr. Dennis Neder:Absolutely. This is one thing, I get a lot of letters because of the books, you can imagine, I have answered over 15,000 letters in just the past few years but one of the things that people tend to believe is that there is one soul mate out there for them when in fact, according to my own calculations, I have actually sat down and crunched the numbers. There are probably many, many thousands of soul mates and maybe hundreds of thousands for individual people but again the trick is: Number one, finding them and number two, learning how to connect with that person to determine what features meet your goals as well as how do you meet their goals.
Dr. WrightOkay, you talk about focusing on the quality of the relationship, not the format. Tell us what that means.
Dr. Dennis Neder:Oh, Leticia, that is such a great question. We all tend to do this. We are all kind of brainwashed, right? You meet somebody that is really good and then you build a relationship. You might move in together and eventually move to marriage. That is the pattern we all follow but in fact, that is probably the wrong way to go. If you're focusing on marriage and I tell women this a lot, too, that if what you really want is just to be married, go out this weekend and find somebody to marry you. Somebody will marry you this weekend. I can guarantee it, and then you will be happier, right?
Dr. WrightI do not think it quite works like that.
Dr. Dennis Neder:That is kind of the point. Why focus on the format? Be it marriage, be it living together, be it just dating. The format is meaningless. What is really important is the quality of the relationship, regardless of the format so focus on that as being as the primary goal. Now if your secondary goals are to be married or to have families and things like that, those are good reasons to move into that but do not make that the primary concern. It is really a waste of your time and it is contrary to getting your goals met.
Dr. WrightYou talk about what men need to know about women and what women need to know about men. Let's talk about that.
Dr. Dennis Neder:Yes. It is such a funny thing, the differences and what we do is we tend to try to impose our own models on other people. For example, men are very, very direct. We say we are hungry, we are tired, we are horny, whatever, and that means just that we are tired, hungry or horny. That is it. But, for example, when a woman says, "Well, I'm tired," it could mean anything from the fact that she is ready to go to bed to the fact that she is over the relationship, anything in between. What men need to understand is that generally speaking, women use communication to, number one, they evaluate elements of how they feel through language. In other words, they will talk through a problem. That is one of the reasons why when women come home from work after a heavy day and they want to sit and talk about their relations or their job or what happened that day and then men jump in and they usually say, "Well, why don't you do this." They are trying to solve the problem because we as men are problem solvers. We go right from problem to solution and there is a big gap in there and if men can learn to be more open to listening and simply providing a soundboard and women can be more understanding of the fact that men are geared towards solving problems.
Dr. Wright(Inaudible) why don't you try this and really just appreciating those two different points of view.
Dr. Dennis Neder:It really eliminates that whole thing of "He or she just doesn't listen to me." It becomes you're that.
Dr. WrightAlrighty. So, let's talk about dating because you have a great article, I'm sorry, I think it's a book on 1,001 places to take a great date.
Dr. Dennis Neder:That's right. It's a new book, 1,001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women.
Dr. WrightFirst dates are really important. They can kind of set the tone for the whole relationship. Once we meet this person and we're ready to move on to a first date to really get to know them better. What are some of your dating tips?
Dr. Dennis Neder:There's a whole series of things. I actually have a good article on the website about this. There are a number of articles about this sort of thing there. Number one, people put a lot of emphasis on the first date. Of course, you want to come off good. This is your chance to kind of promote the best things about yourself. So, number one, don't spend the time complaining about your last boyfriend or girlfriend or why things haven't worked out in the past or what problems. A lot of people when they get into a stressful situation and let's face it, first dates can be stressful, revert to what they feel most comfortable doing which may be the last thing they just got out of. So, you want to focus on the positive things. What's going for? What's your goal? Where are you going with this thing? And the reason why you want to express your goals because you want to find out what that other person's goals are too and when you have a comfort where you can talk about those things, both people will focus on that future. Maybe a person's goal really is to be married and have kids and the other person maybe doesn't really want a family, so now you've got to decide. Is it worth investing in this person if their goals don't match mine, or for that matter, are my goals so written in stone that I can't change them if this person turns out to be the one that really fulfills what I'm looking for. So, number one, you want to get the goals out. Number two, you want to realize that this is not a monologue. It is a dialogue and it's something of an interview process but you don't want it to be so cold and calculating like an interview. So, you want to find out about the other person. Tell me about your experiences. Tell me about your life. What did you do? What's important to you? And you also want to express those things yourself. One of the things that we hear a lot about women complaining of men is that they do tend to do the monologue thing. They just talk about kind of themselves. Women also tend to do that too in some cases. Again, it's more done out of nervousness. So, you want to really focus on the fact that "I'm trying to find out what that person is all about while giving them the elements of me, too." And the third thing about the date, most important, is have fun! Life is too short! Have some fun! Laugh a little bit! This is not a serious thing. Dating is not serial killing. It's really straightforward, really easy. It doesn't mean you have to go out and spend lots of money and be a big, elaborate thing. We can just go out to have coffee and laugh a little bit. What makes you laugh? What makes you happy?
Dr. WrightNow, you say that your favorites are Wednesday and Thursday night dates.
Dr. Dennis Neder:Yes.
Dr. WrightWhy is that?
Dr. Dennis Neder:Everyday of the week has a certain up and a down side to it as to when you set up a date. One thing I like about Wednesday and Thursday night is number one, it's not the weekend. Weekends are that is kind of like the date nights, right? Friday and Saturday, because they are not school nights. So, what happens is, we tend to put a lot of emphasis on that and there is pressure because of it. Mondays and Tuesdays, you're really kind of in the work mode. You're focused on that and now a date or whatever kind of takes you away from that focus. So, Wednesdays and Thursdays are kind of in the middle. You're starting to think of the weekend, starting to relax. You're starting to get the elements of your life that are not work-oriented, kind of placed. There's no expectations. There's no preconceived ideas because again, it's not a Friday or Saturday night date and again, most people tend to be available on Wednesday and Thursday nights. Mondays are sometimes for meetings with family and they got Fridays for dates.
Dr. WrightSo, that's a great time to just do something kind of casual and really get to know the person without the big pressure of a weekend date.
Dr. Dennis Neder:Absolutely.
Dr. WrightYou talked about gamebusters on a date. You teach people how to avoid them and get over them but let's talk about what gamebusters are and then your techniques for dealing with them.
Dr. Dennis Neder:There are many, many techniques. What a gamebuster is? Basically, this is the person whose job, be it either implied or direct, is to prevent you from reaching your goal. Let's take an example. A guy walks up and there are a couple of girls sitting there. He starts talking to the girls. He has a focus on one of the people he really wants to get to know. Maybe her friend is the person who then jumps in between and drags her to the bathroom. "What are you doing talking to that guy? He's a real asshole" or whatever, right. That's the gamebuster. It could be, for example, a male friend too. Here's a great example. I was at a carwash one time, talking to this girl and getting ready to get her number. This guy walks up and just starts talking to her, just interrupts us entirely. There's another gamebuster.
Dr. WrightBasically, he stands between you and starts talking?
Dr. Dennis Neder:Exactly. Technically what he was doing, he was trying to benefit because of the work I had done is actually what it came down to. So, in my book, I have an entire chapter on how to handle the gamebuster and what to do and all the techniques. It's really a matter of being proactive. Number one, you want to prevent the gamebuster from getting in on you. Number two, you also want to turn things around, such that the person you are talking to becomes part of the solution and wants to get to know you and prevent the gamebusting, too.
Dr. WrightLet's talk about your situation at the carwash. This guy is actually standing between you and the woman you've been chatting with for a little bit. You guys are really hitting it off. There is some chemistry going on and he physically plants himself between you and her and also inserting himself emotionally. How do you handle that kind of gamebusting?
Dr. Dennis Neder:Let me tell you how I handle that. What I do is I put my hand on the guy's shoulder and he turned around and looked at me surprised and I said, "Either you're the rudest guy I've ever met or I'm invisible. Which one is it?" And I didn't say another thing. He looked at me and he goes, "Oh, I'm sorry!" and he turned and looked at the girl and she's now got this look of disgust on her face, like, "Yeah, what kind of a jackass are you?" So, she starts working for me so she kind of leans around the guy and starts ignoring him, talking to me, "So you were saying?" and this guy looks like a fool until he finally walks off like there was his tail between his legs.
Dr. WrightSo, you just really confronted him with exactly what was going on and that dissipated that.
Dr. Dennis Neder:I've got to tell you something. It's a very important key. We talk a lot about the alpha male concept. Not everybody is an alpha male or for that matter, not everybody is an alpha female.
Dr. Dennis Neder:But you can learn to do the things they do and come off that way and handle a lot of situations because of the attitude.
Dr. WrightFor people who may not be familiar with the concept of alpha male and alpha female. Let's take a minute to explain that.
Dr. Dennis Neder:You bet. Very briefly, in social sciences, there is a concept of pack mentality. By the way, humans are pack animals. We live together. We develop social hierarchies, etc. The alpha male and the alpha female are the two that kind of run the pack and there's a lot of sociology that goes behind this, I won't get into, but basically, one of three people in the pack, you're the alpha, you are a beta or are you what's called a subdominant. Now, the alpha again runs the pack. The beta will never challenge, never step up and do their thing and these are the people we consider to be kind of the weaker ones. They're like the worker bees effectively. The subdominants are the ones that aren't alphas but they are the challengers.
Dr. WrightSo we don't have to worry about the beta members of the pack. We have to worry about the subdominants or be concerned about the subdominants.
Dr. Dennis Neder:That's true. Although you know what I want? I want those betas to know how the alphas work because you can pull on those keys anytime you need them. You don't have to be the alpha as long as you know what he does.
Dr. WrightOkay. So, you teach people even if you're not the alpha, you can use those strategies and still accomplish your goals.
Dr. Dennis Neder:Absolutely. Here's the interesting thing about those, Leticia. This works as well in person as it does online.
Dr. Dennis Neder:You can use all these same techniques online.
Dr. WrightWow! That's the news right there!
Dr. Dennis Neder:Isn't that a cool idea? Wow! I don't have to like be, hot. I can take some time and really work it through and do the things I want online and that can actually lead you all into the actual personal meeting. You meet somebody online, you respond to what they're saying, you do the alpha things that we teach and all of a sudden, boom! You meet and this person already has a preconceived idea. This guy is something I better get to know or this girl is somebody that I really want to deal with because she's got some power and some presence here. Very cool.
Dr. WrightTell us one little alpha male tip or attitude.
Dr. Dennis Neder:I love this one. Alpha males, by the way and alpha females do this too.
Dr. Dennis Neder:They never ask. They don't say, "Leticia, you're really a great woman. Can I have your phone number?" No, no, no, no. They don't do that. Here's what they do. They say, "Leticia, why, you're an incredible woman! Give me your phone number. I'm gonna call you and we're gonna get together." Ugh, a little different, huh?
Dr. WrightA little different, yes!
Dr. Dennis Neder:I'll tell you what, you have somebody tell you, "Hey, give me your phone number!" Your response, this is pre-wired into you. You are pre-built to do this, to reach for the pen and start writing the number. Now, why are you doing that? You may have some thoughts in your mind, "Well, wait my boyfriend" or whatever, but you're still going to be instantly active in trying to satisfy that request of that alpha male.
Dr. WrightSo, you're going to be moving in that direction even if your mind is saying, "Oh! Here are some roadblocks but initially you're still moving in that direction.
Dr. Dennis Neder:Absolutely. Now you may have to deal with it like we just said but on the other hand, at least you've got the ball going. Here's another great one. I love this one. See, kissing, the very first kiss. This is a big deal for a lot of people. I want to take that away from anybody who is listening to this right now. That should never be a problem for you and here's why: First kisses are never requested. They're never given. They are stolen. Very important.
Dr. Dennis Neder:I talk on my website about a technique called the opening kiss. Now imagine, now you may have talked to somebody online or maybe you met them and you got the number, whatever. So, you agree you're going to meet someplace and have coffee. This person walks up to you and instead of shaking your hand, they reached out and kissed you. Boom! Now, you're not ready for it. So, you can't respond negatively, number one. Number two, the first kiss is out of the way. There's no big buildup now. You've already done it.
Dr. WrightIt's a done deal!
Dr. Dennis Neder:Absolutely. As simple as that. That problem is instantly solved and vanquished and you never have to worry about it again and that's a very, by the way, very alpha male move, very simple.
Dr. Dennis Neder:Let's say somebody is kind of nervous and they can't do that. Here's another great one. Once you've established some rapport and connection and you're laughing and having fun. A guy can do this. He can kind of lean his cheek over to the girl and then tap on it like, "You can kiss me here." So, that's really cute. She'll lean over and kiss him on the cheek, he turns his face, and she plants it on and she lands on his lips. Hey, first kiss is over with. Another nice little technique.
Dr. WrightI've had that happen to me!
Dr. Dennis Neder:Isn't it great? And on top of that, it's charming.
Dr. WrightYou don't get really too upset about that. You just get pleasantly surprised.
Dr. Dennis Neder:Absolutely.
Dr. WrightThere are a lot of strategies that people can use to make dating a whole lot easier and I know you have all of these things on beingaman.com.
Dr. Dennis Neder:Absolutely. It's not rocket science. We just want to make this stuff simple and available to everybody so we all have the tools. Why not? It makes it better for us all.
Dr. WrightIt's a great eye opener too for women to just be able to understand a little bit about men and some of the things that they're looking for and what they're not looking for and I know you have a list of, you call it, BAM female desired qualities.
Dr. Dennis Neder:Yes.
Dr. WrightWhat's BAM?
Dr. Dennis Neder:BAM is Be A Man. We have a whole philosophy, a whole philosophical basis for what we're doing and why it exists and where it comes from and these are the qualities that my students, my team members, all these people actually look for. It's a great article for women.
Dr. WrightRight and it's straight out. You're looking for a woman who takes care of herself and those are assets to know how to work them. You're looking for a woman who's a team player, a woman who is interdependent not independent away from him and not totally dependent on a guy.
Dr. Dennis Neder:Absolutely.
Dr. WrightAll of those things, there's self-confidence. A lot of woman don't believe a man wants a woman with self-confidence and I'd like you to speak to them.
Dr. Dennis Neder:Oh, I'd love to. There's this belief for a long time that the independent woman thing just really came out. It was really popular in the 90s and early 2000s and that was this picture where she is a powerful woman going out on her own, going in her direction but let's face it, who really wants to have someone they're going to compete with? Nobody wants that. I don't want to have to compete with the woman that I'm dating or to make decisions or policies or even what we're going to have for dinner. I'm very happy to say, "You know what? I'm hungry for this. Let's go to this place. Now next time, you get to choose." What I call that is interdependence. I want somebody who's strong, knows what they want, which is great but that can be part of the team and kind of go with things and know when to back off and no one takes the lead, too. That's okay. That's the dance we play. If one person is entirely the power side and one person is entirely submissive side, it doesn't work very well. There has to be interplay.
Dr. WrightThis is not a fun relationship.
Dr. Dennis Neder:That's right. I'll tell you what, the woman who can do that, the woman who can really kind of pull back and know when to let go and let things be. That's a confident woman.
Dr. WrightOkay, that is awesome. Well, thank you so much for joining us. Again, his website is full of wonderful articles and information and his book. Tell us about the four different books.
Dr. Dennis Neder:There's a Be A Man I, which is, it's kind of a foundation. It'll take you all the way through high school, talks about setting goals, which I think is critical. If you don't have goals, then the first one who walks by is the right one because you have no understanding of what you want, the plan, or whatever. Book number two takes you right through your doctor degree in relationships. It talks about advanced approaches and how to build relationships, a thing I call the power seduction model. It goes into marriage and divorce and breakups and fixing problems, right-sizing relationships and lots more. 1,001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women is a very specific guideline on where to meet them and techniques to use when you're in those venues. The new book, which will be coming out hopefully by this time next year is called, Being a Man III and it's going to go into a whole bunch of philosophical things you can tie into relationships, to turn them up and tune them up and make them what into what you're looking for, make yourself that kind of person as well and make yourself the person that women will really want to be with. Or for that matter, if you're a woman, make yourself the kind of person that men really enjoy being with, look forward to being with.
Dr. WrightOkay, well thank you so much for joining us and thank you everybody for listening. This is Dr. Leticia Wright for IDC dating.com. IDC dating.com is where we're creating multicultural relationships everyday. Remember, ignoring one's conscience is neither safe nor right and I'll see you next time.