Are you keeping them or freaking them out?

Posted by James, 12 Aug 09

Love. Lust. These two drive people nuts. Who hasn’t fudged to grasp or keep the person they love or lust over? Problem is, desperation leads some of us in to doing things that – instead of helping the situation - push the ones we love away. If you go too far, you could lose this person and your sense of self. Plus, the more desperate you are, the more they will avoid you.

Getting yourself pregnant and blaming antibiotics for screwing up with your cycle, stalking, threatening the other man who has his eye on her, bleaching your hair stunning auburn hair (pubes too) to attract some international ballplayer who is into blondes …

Much as relationships require some ‘healthy’ pretence… much as the intent is good, its the extent of the behavior that really matters. What seems sad and silly now could spiral to scary and creeeeeeepy! So, how far should you go to get or keep a man or woman?

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

20 responses to "Are you keeping them or freaking them out?"

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  1. Posted: 24 Nov 09

    @qman205: I heard that, it's THEIR lost.....

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  2. Posted: 24 Nov 09

    I can't see myself going through drastic personal changes to get a man. People accept you as you are & love you for who you are if they are sincere. Sure, physical attraction plays a big part; what you posess on the inside even greater. Having a child for fear of one leaving you doesn't make a man stay with you, only the 2 of you can keep the relationship together. Sadly children are caught in the middle. Truly wanting a man in your life can sometims be mistaken as desperation, when in fact it's loneliness. It all depends on how one expresses their desires and how one perceives. Men and Women; just be yourselves, natural. Open communication, building trust, honesty & respect for one another in all aspects can build a strong foundation for a meaningful relationship. Being arrogant, egotistical, self centered, and greed, to name a few are in the losing zone.

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  3.   osunbaby says:
    Posted: 20 Sep 09

    @professorgal You have my vote.... it's like the man has no responsibility. What is that about? If you making love/screwing without a condom, be prepared for consequences... you don't want a child, disease or whatever, be religious and diligent about strapping up... instead of turning around and saying the woman is trying to 'trap' you. This always strikes me as the nexus of the double standard... and a convenient excuse for a man to justify losing control of his penis. @talisman [quote]as for the children thoughno matter what, a father should financially support there child.my daughter is my financial priority before ANYTHING.i cannot tolerate a father that does not put there children first - there is no excuse - under any circumstances.[/quote] Good man... good man.

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  4.   talisman says:
    Posted: 11 Sep 09

    i think we've all been there were we have given so much to a person that was a user and taker....i lost a huge amount of money because of my ex and ended up losing a house that i worked for and she never contributed a dime towards. the end result is you build up a massive wall .... and whoever can climb over that wall, i could only say they must really want to get over it... the world is full of givers and takers....and after you have been burned so bad....well....you learn to be wary. as for the children though...no matter what, a father should financially support there child....my daughter is my financial priority before ANYTHING....i cannot tolerate a father that does not put there children first - there is no excuse - under any circumstances. a little of topic but kinda still related to the topic.....

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  5. Posted: 07 Sep 09

    "Getting yourself pregnant".... um, last time I checked it takes two people, and both are equally responsible. It's really sad when women are presented as conniving creatures who are just waiting for the chance to "trick" a man into sex that leads to pregnancy.

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  6.   qman205 says:
    Posted: 07 Sep 09

    Ladies, Ladies, Ladies............ Let me start by asking the question I am sure all of you have been asked several times. What are you looking for? Before answering I would like to mention that no one is like your father except your father. Secondly, I am not being harsh when I ask the definition of being an idiot. If you keep doing the same things even thought they never work, then I will leave that up to you. I have often wondered why some women engulf themselves with the wrong guy. I have been on the opposite side of the equation as well as on the outside looking in. Each time I chalk it up to them missing an opportunity. I know the value I can bring into a relationship & am patiently waiting.

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  7.   LIN20LN says:
    Posted: 04 Sep 09

    Interesting subject. What I have found in my times of dating is that people put their best out there, but once they feel comfortable it all comes out (good, bad and ugly). No one sets out to act crazy unless they truly are. Everyone wants to find that person they can let go with. That one that they dont HAVE to act proper 24/7. Unfortunately there are games that have to be played... i.e. "playing hard to get". I personally think the games are crap. I didnt make the rules, but I guess I have to follow them. I show interest without the flux of "i love yous" poems, calls, emails, txts etc. I do believe there is someone for everyone....If you know you are crazy and desperate then find that special someone who is just as looney. As far as changing appearance to catch a man then thats just an oppotunist; which is another subject all together. Good luck out there

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  8.   krazek says:
    Posted: 31 Aug 09

    Canalily- I just read this book called Marriable- Taking the desperate out of dating. A friend bought it for me, because it made her think of me! (How sad, right?!) But, anyhoo. It made some great points. I have a problem with dating by sharing too much information right off. Men like mystery- a challenge, as women do as well. That is why we don't like 'nice men', cause they put their feelings and emotions out right away. Men can only take so much 'thought and feelings' and what is going on in your life at the beginning. My advice would be to move on, and just take it as a learning experience. If you need to talk, cry, and vent, call your girlfriends for awhile. Tell him only so much about yourself each time, so he'll want to see and talk to you again, to see what he may learn next about you. Men like mystery, so try and take it slow and play the 'hard to get game. (I'm working on it myself!)

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  9.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 26 Aug 09

    Canalily - My heart goes out to you re: the situation you describe. Whether it's "right" or not for someone to run away screaming after you share your vulnerability with him (and I say it isn't but there may be extenuating circumstances [though I wouldn't bet the car payment on it]), it seems to be what is. And acceptance is always the key! I hope you'll pardon me butting in but if you were counseling someone in this situation you would likely tell them to look for greener pastures. That seems the best advice for you as well.

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  10.   Austrian says:
    Posted: 26 Aug 09

    Also I came across women who behaved desperate. Of course, we, who seem to see clearly the situation they are in, want to help. But often we are not successful, because apparently they do not want to be helped. If you believe in reincarnation, a spirit choses to be brought into this world by specific parents and into a specific environment - as this new existence is supposed to be a LEARNING PROCESS, as every past and future life. What a wonderful excuse for ALL of our problems!!! I have heard of women who seriously search for a man who will beat them, because only then they find deep satisfaction. Do we have to feel sorry for them? What about women who REPEATEDLY end up with alcoholics? One way to deal with all these problems is THERAPY, as most of the above comments recommend. However, I feel too many women (people) have not learned to take an honest, deep look inside. It may not be comfortable to do so, but it would save much time, disappointment, money spent on a shrink - and I believe not so many children would be born into an UNHEALTHY ENVIRONMENT.

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  11.   canalily says:
    Posted: 26 Aug 09

    This is a great article. These are some pretty realistic and upsetting examples. My question is, abd the reason I read the article, is it right for someone to become close to you then run with his tail between his legs when you respond with sincerity? Ok, a bit vague, yes. A guy I've been dating from this site asked me how my struggle with job searching and its effects have been going. I told him the particular struggles of an educated former executive. I cried at the end. Its hard to see your life change so abruptly. Well, that along with his distrust b/c he thinks every man wants to date me, has made him MIA for a week now.I really began to like him and believed according to him that it was mutual. Yet, if a guy can't handle my tears or his perception of my attractiveness, who needs him right? Btw, he told me he was sleeping with and actively dating others. I am not, yet he thinks I am. Did my tears freak him out? Or should I(yes, a little)be freaked out because he jhasnt been around after a vulnerable moment? Life is too short. Thanks and happiness in oneself to all! :D

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  12.   Cin1054 says:
    Posted: 24 Aug 09

    Meisha81, thank you for your story. I have been in a very similar relationship for the past two years and am just getting free of it. Thankfully, I still have some assets left to my name and now I thank God I never did get pregnant. There is definitely something wrong with some of us who can be so easily duped into caring and taking care of someone who gives nothing back in return. I'm now working on getting myself healthy and re-discovering who I used to be and who I want to be in the future. It helps to know that I am not the only jerk in the world! Yes to self respect!

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  13.   meisha81 says:
    Posted: 18 Aug 09

    Hi Ms. Bigeyes31 :0) I hear everything you are saying! It's really upsetting to see the person that you care for get rail-roaded & when you step in & help them try to see the problem at hand, it just blows up in your face. I ask myself this question: If you see someone you care for getting misused & abuse, do you go & intervene? I tried to do this out of care/concern for my friend & she practically chose the guy over our friendship as well as the relationships with her family. You are right, people who choose to deal with that foolishness is not only plain mentally crazy, but their self-esteem has been beaten so low that they would deal with anything just to say they have somebody sleeping beside them at night. As you see in my photo, I'm not a size 5, but I'll be damnned if I let anybody treat me lower than dirt! This saying has always been true, "You can't expect anyone to love & respect you unless you love & respect yourself". Even if you are not in a relationship with a man/woman, people sometimes fail to realize that you have a relationship with yourself before anyone comes along. And we as people were not created to become inferior to anyone else; nor we were not created to find ways to degrade ourselves in the name of love. Life is too short to be with someone that does not respect you as a human being. As to say with this article, life is too short to lie, manipulate, & scheme your way into someone's life. Self respect & Self love! :0) Many Blessings! :0)

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  14.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 16 Aug 09

    meisha81 I had a friendship with a person with similar circumstances.She ask me to come along with her to Atlanta to take her daughter to him(father) for a visit(but I really think SHE wanted to see him). The only problem was he was living with another woman! Just by her conversation she STILL thought she was in a relationship with him. I should have driven my own car because I could have left when I saw how he was using her and showed no concern for the baby,like it wasn't his. He stood at the window of the car arguing with her about using her credit to buy him a used corvette! I can't stand how people like that would ask for advice but already have their minds made up already. They usually get mad when you break the truth down to them and I can't deal with it. Please don't ask ME if you don't want the truth. I realized this girl(not woman)didn't have high self-esteem. I don't know, she seemed sheltered and she was obese. I have known plenty of heavier women who carried themselves well and with respect. I had to cut off the friendship because I can't deal with being around people who are dumb,stupid and alone too. I'd rather be alone. The thing is though, I'm never alone for long, LOL. Peace

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  15.   meisha81 says:
    Posted: 16 Aug 09

    I had a really good friend that was dating this guy for a couple of weeks before she started taking him shopping for clothes, food, bills and such. The guy she was dating lied that he was honorably discharged from the army when in fact he was discharged for trying to fight a superior officer...Such a prize. Anywhoo, my friend seemed so desperate to have someone love her that she was doing any and everything to keep this man. From helping him find jobs (not too bad there) to getting loans under her name to help him buy a car. Mind you that they have been dating not too long let's say about a month or 2 into the relastionship. She even went on to paying for daycare services for his son. The relationship had gotten so toxic that she ended up getting fired from her job. But wait! There's even more... This girlfriend of mine had got pregnant by the gentleman (I use that word very loosely). He pretty much flat out told her that he did not want a child by her b/c she was crazy & her family has issues. She called me upset, asking me what she should do. I pretty much told her that the decision would ultimately be up to her, but I would support her in anyway. She talked to the boyfriend & gave her an ultimatum either the child or him. She decided to abort the baby-the bf was supposed to take her, but he never showed up. I tried to tell her that she needed to leave this guy alone b/c he was doing nothing but using her & bringing her down. She was working at a #1 rated insurance company & ended up losing her job, got into so much debt & her relationships with her family & eventually myself went sour. I have not spoken to this girl in about 5 years. From what I have heard about her from other friends/old co-workers that she got a new job with another top level insurance company. She got her own place, but moved the fool & his son right in with her. He quit his job at a major cell phone company in which she found for him. He was living off of her. They got into an arguement & he eventually put his hands on her. The point to this long & drama-filled story is there are some people who will do anything just to say that they have someone in their life. It's truly sad that someone would rather have a piece of a man or woman than to be alone. I truly understand the motto "I can do bad by myself". The moment you have to change the person you are, the morals or common sense that you were given in your upbringing, that person is not worth your time or energy. I am a single woman. If it takes years for me to find that connection with a wonderful, kind, intelligent, funny, passionate man who will love me for me, then I am cool with that. I rather be alone then to be with someone who makes me miserable. Be Blessed! Mia

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  16.   shondra says:
    Posted: 15 Aug 09

    I am not sure if you do, but I know many women who have done things like this. Getting pregnant purposefully and expecting a man to stay is a desperate act (to clarify I mean in cases where the individuals had an understanding that they were just sexual partners). I have seen some women try to fudge things regarding the pregnancy and attempt to force the man to stay. What a sad state of relations. Most of the women I am talking about are friends, but I am also a professional in the mental health field. I'd like to act like these things don't happen, but they do every single day. Truthfully, most of the women I know won't and maybe can't tell you directly that they were trying to lure a man into a long-term relationship, but when they become the main person caring for their child(ren) it becomes very painfully apparent. Especially if you are their friend. I have seen and know many women who have acted desperately in relationships, how about a good portion of the time it works. Maybe that should be the topic.

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  17.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 15 Aug 09

    "Getting yourself pregnant and blaming antibiotics for screwing up with your cycle?" Wow! James, I hope this hasn't come from personal experience. If you decide to bring a child into the world as a gambit in some kind of game of psycho romantic chess, you need some serious therapy and maybe even a stay in an institution for the criminally negligent. I really have sympathy for a child born under such twisted circumstances.

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  18.   IvoryRoseTX says:
    Posted: 12 Aug 09

    Wow... I can honestly say I've never fought with such desperation, I've always just faced the facts. Couples are bound to find an obstacle here and there, yet how they manage it is ultimately what will make them stronger or tear them apart. Open communication and trust in one another will lessen the chance of an obstacle taking it's toll and doing damage. In the end though, sometimes you just have to face the music that you really can't -make- someone love you or want to be with you. Accept the results as they are, mend, and move on. If you begin to act like the examples above, then more intense help is required.

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  19.   katlu8984 says:
    Posted: 12 Aug 09

    If you have to stop being yourself, then you've gone too far. Now this may be a sane and rational opinion but no man (or woman) is ever worth keeping by deviant means. I think women getting pregnant on the sly is the most despicable thing ever. The child will not only be unwanted by the woman's partner but the woman as well once her plan fails. If you have kids, bring them into the world with two loving caring parents. There are way too many unwanted children out in the world as is. Please don't add to it. Seriously if you engage in any of these behaviors, seek therapy!

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  20.   fire321 says:
    Posted: 12 Aug 09

    When you have to stoop to doing things that a rational, mentally stable person would not do, it's time to seek therapy. It's pretty sad when you can't distinguish between what is healthy behavior and what is down right insane.

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