Are Black women more likely to be single?

Posted by James, 15 Jul 09

black women singleStatistics show that compared with white women, black women are twice as likely to be single.

Have you met this woman? She has a good job, works hard, earns a good salary. She went to college, got her master’s degree; she is intelligent. She is personable, articulate, well read, interested in everybody and everything. Yet, she’s single… Black folks look up to her, and white folks know she is a force to be reckoned with. Yet … the men leave her alone… They [black women] have so much; what is it they lack Why is it they may be able to hook a man but can’t hold him?

- A public school administrator with the District of Columbia expresses the frustration and disappointment shared by many black women in the book: What's Love Got to Do With It?: Understanding and Healing the Rift Between Black Men and Women.

National stats show that 42% of black women have never been married, compared to 21% of white women. Yes, it’s twice as much. But does this mean Black women are doomed to be single?

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

People have thrown around so many reasons in a bid to explain the above stats. The most sighted are: lack of good single black men; the black woman is too independent to need a man to take care of her; undercover gay black men; the list is endless… But does this really explain the above statistics? The above reasons only explain why black women don’t get married to black men.

While reflecting, this public administrator decides not to ask the question ‘What’s wrong with Black men’, but ‘What’s wrong with her and other black women’. She discovered that “the skills that make one successful in the church, community or workplace are not the skills that make one successful in a relationship… sometimes an achieving woman will place her boyfriend so low on her list of priorities that his interest wanes… she’s seldom “there” for him, for the preliminaries that might develop a commitment to a woman.” This administrator places the black women’s dating challenges on black women themselves.

In trying to explain why most black women are single, in our reasoning, we tend to forget all about interracial marriage. For once, let’s think outside the box. Do you believe black women are the least likely group to get married in the U.S.? Do you think the administrator is right – blaming the black woman for her being single?

261 responses to "Are Black women more likely to be single?"

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  1.   shydude74 says:
    Posted: 01 May 12

    yes because of the bad attitudes,drama queeens blaming everyone but themselves from black men to other races.it would take a miracle for black women to admit their faults,but everyone else sees it,why cant they.? too ignorant and selfish thats why

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  2. Posted: 25 Jul 10

    @ 23ebony: Yes indeed you made sense. ^5

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  3. Posted: 25 Jul 10

    @ Sexulous : Very very good post.

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  4. Posted: 16 Jul 10

    VERY well said, 23 Ebony.... So True and So Real...good work, sis....you made MUCH sense. Peace and Blessings tatted2death

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  5.   23ebony says:
    Posted: 08 Jul 10

    This issue so complex I dont think any of us can completely wrap our head around it. But I will say this. The very thing that makes black women stand out, strength, is at times the same thing that works against us. As black women we are taught to be strong, independent and preserver through everything that thrown our way. Due to this we have had to take on masculine and feminine characteristics. We have had to adopt to being single (im speaking in general to make things easier) and be both the mother and the father since slavery days. Its because of this mentality some of us have a heard time allowing men to be men (through performing masculine traits) by relying on them and performing more feminine traits. I am not saying this is right. I am saying subconsciously we associate certain traits to masculinity and others to femininity which acts as part of our identity. Women from other cultures are not portrayed to be as masculine as us in the media. I blame society and the fact that we live in a patriarchal society that oppresses all women, but especially black women because we are placed at the bottom of the social hierarchy. Stereotypes of gender and race needs to be eliminated all together (as a side not, asian men are portrayed as passive which is a feminine trait in the media. They are put at the bottom just like black women. They too like black women are least likely to get married.) Then there is the issue that some black woman will only date black men and the percentages of coupling do not work in their favour. The female population far outnumbers the man population as a whole so obviously not everyone is going to end up married. Then you have to take into account education, family upbringing and cultural ideals of what beauty, masculinity and femininity is. This issue is a product of all these invisible forces that affect on a daily basis. As far as I am concerned its just another thing that makes us beautiful. Black is beautiful! There are lots of guys out there who see it to. We just have to make some MINOR changes WITHOUT compromising like: approaching guys, setting REALISTIC standards (if you dont work out dont expect to catch a guy with a 6 pack), looking at possibilities outside our race, etc. I hope I made sense.

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  6.   Sexulous says:
    Posted: 21 Jun 10

    Honestly I know that in every Race of Men & Women there are Good & Bad People, just like God & Satan, Angels & Devils. Good Sex & Bad Sex etc. The main problem with this World We live in is that Critics & Hypocrites use what they see to make a General Judgement on all Men, Women & Races, when they should take in consideration of things of Life & relationships they have never or will never witness. As Human beings I think We should all be Ambitious when it comes to Love for each other & go for Who We are drawn to no matter the RACE. I truly believe that in all Races of Women they are all the SAME when We as Men know how to Respect & treat them, Mentally, emotionally, physically & Sexually. It's not hard at all. As a FACT, the whole World knows historically Blacks live through the tuffest & roughest ways of living & even if many white People don't know how that life feels ? In the end ALL RACES OF WOMEN WANT TRUE LOVE RESPECT & HONOR FROM ANY MAN THEY END UP WITH NO MATTER HIS COLOR. ALL RACE OF WOMEN WANT US AS MEN TO BE "MEN" AS GOD MADE US TO BE THERE FOR OUR WOMEN. On behalf of all Black Women I know & see for myself that all Black Women want in Life is to know She is being truly Loved, cherished, respected & supported after going through such hard experiences in Life. To BIGEYES31 & MsZ17 I'm loving Ur straight forward comments, I see Ur inner Beauties. Also thumbs up to all the Men on here who show their honest support for all our Women who need it.

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  7. Posted: 12 Jun 10

    Comment by chrisn on 27 March 2010: "My girlfriend was black and Im white. There were some differences in what she expected of me. Sometimes I felt like she was too dependent. Despite being smart and accomplished she had no money growing up and a strained relationship with her family. It was like once I we got close she just expected me to carry all that baggage. I sympathized with a lot more black men after that, all the struggling and sometimes she expected me to be part of the furniture." It sounds like you are saying this was s problem all black women have, instead of the particular woman you were involved with.

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  8.   Member says:
    Posted: 07 Jun 10

    @rick hayes lol ur funny@chrison that was bad SINGLE:IF YOUR SINGLE LIKE MYSELF....DON'T ALLOW LONELY,HORNEY ECT..... TO MAKE OU SETTLE,OR GO TO WHAT WAS NEVER GOOD FOR YOU,DNT SETTLE FOR LESS LADYS U GOT TO KNOW WHAT UR WORTH,I REALIZED SOME WOMAN R LUKING 4 MAN THEY CAN LIVE WITH AM LOOKING FOR A MAN I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT GOD BLESS EVERYONE ON THIS FORUM I LUV LUV LUV IT......

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  9.   chrisn says:
    Posted: 28 Mar 10

    My girlfriend was black and I'm white. There were some differences in what she expected of me. Sometimes I felt like she was too dependent. Despite being smart and accomplished she had no money growing up and a strained relationship with her family. It was like once I we got close she just expected me to carry all that baggage. I sympathized with a lot more black men after that, all the struggling and sometimes she expected me to be part of the furniture.

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  10.   Member says:
    Posted: 14 Feb 10

    @ Love & NeuroticMoor, keep speaking the truth guys. It's about time some folks here told it like it is/should be! Menelik Charles London uk

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  11. Posted: 13 Feb 10

    Correction: Your dating pool *ISN'T* too poor... Also, there ARE places all over the internet where non-black men and women bash each other just as viciously as here (and every other AA site it seems... sigh.) But since there's not such an intense intrinsic and extrinsic social pressure for non-black races to date/marry within their own race, they don't tend to use the racial tags in their discussions... they are just known as misogynists and feminazi's...

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  12. Posted: 13 Feb 10

    OK... So let me get this straight. On this *dating* site, we have successful, intelligent black women who say that the black men they've dated have done them wrong who they would have treated like a King if given the chance and we have successful, intelligent black men who say they've been treated wrong and would have treated a black woman like a Queen if given the chance. Isn't it *beyond* obvious that these groups of people should be checking each other out as potential matches? Or is the greater truth that for both of us the negative attitudes are just a smokescreen for the fact that we are just not attracted to the same race. It's OK to say that, but be honest about it and stop downing a group because you prefer another and don't want to look like a jerk. I hate surveys and polls (even scientific ones) because *I* am. not. a. statistic. Even if every single woman on the planet said she liked Sleepless in Seattle - you would have a good idea about what most women like, but you still haven't met me yet - and I hated it!! In the same way, even if you dated one million horrible black men or one million terrible black women, it still doesn't come close to touching the billions of beautiful souls all over the world who are different. Stop generalizing - even if it seems so right... They haven't met you yet and you haven't met them to see their unique and positive qualities. Your dating pool is too poor... it is too small!

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  13. Posted: 19 Jan 10

    @love right and i have to agree that the grass isn't greenier on the other side, but u talking like ALL white women aren't good...i know u didn't say it, but i got it from how i read it. I say it like this and this is my opinion in reference to your comment about taking "OUR" men back.....i figure if a man is not in a relationship, or married then he is fair game, white or black. No one owns anyone and just because you have the same shade of skin doesn't make him or all black men yours, white men aren't my men just cause they are white. If you feel that way then why are you on a IR site if you only want black men unless your here like some i see who just like to cause crap up in these forums to get folks a going.

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  14. Posted: 17 Jan 10

    Well i can't comment from a black woman's point of view but i can say from a single woman's point of view that being single no matter what race is hard enough as it is...... some men talk about how they want a good woman but yet they continue to go after ms. wrong or they chasing booties lol.....i think people in general need to look outside the box and start to look at the things in people they would normally say no to...Dating isn't easy these days...and crazy as it seems i have asked men out on a date..at my expense lol you think they call....and i have had men tell me i am too independent for them so why would i need them....uh hello, i have kids, a house and a car payment, bills...if i don't pay them, i'm out on my azz with my kids, so then whose gonna pay for em. Don't be mad cause a woman can hold their own, we have had to for the longest and we will continue to.

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  15.   paula99 says:
    Posted: 05 Jan 10

    oh chronik heard it all before. mesmerized with your beauty.. i know she is beautiful tell me somethin' we don't know!!

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  16.   paula99 says:
    Posted: 04 Jan 10

    candiedchestnut i agree with your girl.. you know candie it taken me years to love myself. sometimes the answer is right up under our feet. i know i am set in my ways. i just do not have time for the bullshit.. you know what i mean. i know what i deserve , what i want. i have miles to go. i like to travel. my child is an adult. he is getting married soon. god bless him but. its nothing wrong with being single. i tell i looked back on the men. who i thought was marriage material. thank god!.. most turned out to be drug and alcoholics. woman beaters etc. so therefore. my destiny in life might be different. i am glad i made the choices that i made. see marriage is not cut and dry. as people think it is. its hard work! if your not ready to do the time do not do the crime... lol. but woman have been so condition to badly in this culture to have babies, get married. yada, yada yada. it's okay to be single. do not mean your bedding tom, dick, and harry, hey . if we want to go to the movies, theatre we know who to call. if we want to get laid we know who to call. yes . its nice to have the same man on your arm. or is it?... i am just happy right now with my choice. yes i have a sex partner. but guess what. i am not in love nor is he with me. we just enjoy each other. that works for me right now. honesty , i had to get honest with myself. i am set in my ways. i know this. and i like it. i really do. this is the best i ever felt. in life. and i will continue , with god's grace.

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  17.   paula99 says:
    Posted: 04 Jan 10

    for real , i like my singledom. i do. i might be a tad bit older than most readers i do not know. but yes we are most likely to remain single. i am secure with myself i do not feel i need a husband. i like company every once in a while ( as aretha franklin) would say. in one of her songs. yes i do believe that most us are going to remain single. why>? there are various reasons. some are different from others. i find that most whitemen are not going out of there way to break down our doors. and of course we know the dilemma of blackmen . need i go there, 51 yrs of age i am. i find its harder as you get older for anyone to find a suitable partner. its not because your not smart enough, good looking enough. etc. i do not beat myself up anymore. i am still the diva i am with or with out a mate. its called exceptance. there is so much to life. i rather settle for none. than just half. if i cannot get what i deserve. hey i will still be fine. i been through the pity parties, calling girlfriends bitching and moaning about the one that got away. or how come. hey when you get comfortable in your own skin. you will see what i mean. and god focused. because , i know you heard the old southern saying. (God don't make no junk!) ciao

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  18.   Love says:
    Posted: 02 Jan 10

    I say to hell with the blogs, its a new year. Black women have a right to want their black men, we need to step our game up and take our men back! They'll come back because the grass is not always greener on the otherside.

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  19. Posted: 01 Jan 10

    I agree with khoibito. Reading the statistics makes me think that I'm supposed to be single, so I don't let my relationships play out like they should. I'm 32 years old. I know it's not healthy, but I think this is our karma so we should find happiness in being single for life. At one point I wanted to marry really badly, but now I've lost the flame and I don't want to adjust my life, considering I'm getting used to things the way they are. Also, I'm afraid of losing comraderie. There's comfort in knowing a lot of other black women are in the same boat, my sister, friends, some family. I would feel guilty about my situation if I married, considering they aren't. Also, if I got married, it would be harder finding female friends because most would be single and I wouldn't be. We wouldn't be able to hang out in the nurture our friendships the same way. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it is what it is.

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  20.   khoibito says:
    Posted: 26 Dec 09

    Another reason many black women are "never married" at a rate beyond other women is because many are "single by choice." By the time they no longer want to be single, nobody wants them, or they have been single for so long, they simply don't know how to open up to a relationship without paranoia of being hurt.

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  21.   khoibito says:
    Posted: 26 Dec 09

    Unbelievable! A black woman that blames herself for being single. Now this is wifey material. If more black women either looked within, or at least became familiar with how black men see them, sites such as this one would be irrelevant. Unfortunately, black women socialize each other to blame everyone except themselves. And if a woman places a man low on her priorities for any reason, she is bound to loose that man, THE SAME WAY A MAN WOULD LOOSE A WOMAN IN THE MATTER IS REVERSED.

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  22.   Chronik says:
    Posted: 15 Nov 09

    @Teska27....i know u havent posted on here in almost 2 months, so I dont know if you will see this, but I just really wanted to tell you I think you are so beautiful....I just cant stop looking at your little picture. You have me mesmerized with your beauty...:)

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  23. Posted: 13 Nov 09

    Hello to all, I'm new to this site, but not to this subject. Just wanted to share. I also fall into this catagory of "successful, well-educated, independent, attractive, God loving, church going, single Black woman", with an "over 40yrs" cherry on top. I've always been open to interracial dating, but my experiences have been with Black men. Gotta say it's been very disappointing. And after taking a long hiatus from dating, I'm getting back into the game, but I'm only interested in Caucasion men. It's a little sad to me because I've always been one to say "Be open to go outside your race, but don't EXCLUDE your race". Now I'm the one doing it. I can't even see myself with a Black man. I guess I've just had one too many bad experiences with them.

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  24. Posted: 10 Nov 09

    Ive read several comments on this subject and feel that to a certain degree many got off the question presented. The question is " Are Black women more likely to be single?" Well, James, are you speaking of being 'more likely' than 'White' women or 'more likely then any other gender or race? In my opinion if the question is in regard to just 'women' the statistics already answer that question. I think the question that caused all the debate here in the responses is, WHY? I believe too, that black women are more likely to be single than their white sisters....excuse the pun, but we ARE ALL God's children. I believe this because of the way Black people have ALWAYS been treated by White people,(and we know how that is, and Im not talking about the exceptions, I am talking about the rule)since they were FORCIBLY taken from their world. THAT can NEVER be fixed because it can NEVER be undone. Back in the days of slavery, Black men were brutualize, broken, murdered. So, who's left? The Black woman: Left to keep their family going, safe, fed, ALIVE. That is true today also and for the same reason. BUT, ironically, the joke is on White people because now more than any time in US history, white people's numbers have been DILUTED, due to inter racial relations, consentually or as in the past, forced. SO, as life has shown, some of the problems read above exist in ALL races and genders: the abuse, insecurities, etc. however, that has nothing to do with race relations. It has to do with ones upbringing, period. You do and are what you LEARN, period. If your parents didnt nurture you, hold you, EXPRESS LOVE to you...you will not be able to do that as an adult if you dont use life's lessons to allow you to become a wiser, ready to change person. If your parents berated you, that is what YOU LEARNED, that is how you 'relate' if you dont use life's lessons to allow you to become a wiser, ready to change person. That is what YOU will EXPRESS to the people in your life and in general. If your parents talked of others who were not 'like you', in a derogatory manner, in front of you, that is what YOU LEARNED, and that is what YOU will do....Children HEAR, children 'listen', even when you think they are not ...... Take care how you live YOUR life, make room for change in your life.....YOU know the difference between right and wrong. Even if you do what you LEARNED, you know change IS possible..... Then and only then can one make comments on things other than what is in "their" world.....and for the ones who have become wiser with age they will 'listen' more so than 'comment' because they know that only by listening can one learn... Peace and Love to all that strive to be better than the day before.

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  25.   chinajane says:
    Posted: 09 Nov 09

    Julius, I don't doubt that you have been mistreated by some black women, but hey let's lay some of that on white women. I have seen brothers get played by some of the skankiest, non-educated nasty looking white women. I am tired of reading what is wrong with black women and that we do not understand them. Quit blaming us like you blame the white man for what is happening in your life. There are always going to be obstacles in this life, God never promised that life on earth would be easy, that's why we are to look to the life ahead with him and Jesus Christ. As a black woman 51 years old finally getting my bachelors and after 8 spinal chord surgery any excuse given to me about not improving your life will be met with disgust. I have found that white men appreciate that strength and ability to rise above and make something out of your life. I used to date black men and felt guilty about dating white ,hispanic Italian, men no longer we don't get that kind of loyfalty so time to find it somewhere else. The men of my father and grandfather's generation are gone, seems like there strength is also.

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  26.   echinacea says:
    Posted: 27 Oct 09

    I am completely agree with this article. Now a days, we can say that the upcoming generation is going to really fast. I have also seen that Black women are most likely to be single. Well thanks for sharing such nice article here. I like this site and it is nice to post here.

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  27.   welder1 says:
    Posted: 23 Oct 09

    I am single, late 30's and raising two children. I am employed, in fact two jobs. I am a female that does construction and I teach my trade at two facilities. Why am I single? My children's father passed away from heart surgery. All this stuff that I hear on here is driving me insane, especially from the men that state that we as black women are single because of bad choices. Not all of us fit this stereotype. I am physically fit, I have to be if I am to climb up four flights and hang as I weld on a building every weekend. I am strong, I have to be, and I work hard. I will earn my Master's degree in Education by November. Many men are just scared of a woman that has her own and can carry her own. They want someone that they can tell what to do, and not for her to have any input so you do sway the other way. I will bow in respect when a strong, and real man that is not afraid of my strength comes along, and let him lead my family if he knows how. The men that are being rasied today are nothing like the ones that I saw growing up.

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  28.   triccinicci says:
    Posted: 28 Sep 09

    Aaaaargh! Can't we all stop this melodramatic tug of war? I'm sure that is a rhetorical statement exhumed from the frosty hope one day the "norm" will be that we can sit cross table and discuss what EACH person wants. As a woman of mixed heritage I find it difficult (and yes, it has kept me - safely so I might add in my case only - from the golden band) to just accept the standard some male has made for me (as if you knew what I do now that I didn't then you'd be glad for me and congratulate my not following the other bleeting sheep, lol). Now of course I have been in love and gave my all, but said no and ended the relationship because of issues the person just could not overcome (and that took a very long time and was the best and smartest thing to do). I felt I was not used to my fullest potential. I'm smart, educated, world traveled, told I am beautiful, blah-blah-blah...for what GOOD can this be for? If one is in a relationship don't you want that relationship to cause you to dream and work hard for those dreams, to achieve them? Ok so the dreaming, or doing or actual being of that dream is not perfect, but we know that all that glitters is not gold. The point is we can at least live the dream, or die trying, yes? So what if each time you meet a man it's always something, but you are just shy of perfect? What if you make all the right moves, stand by your man, but still cannot quantify or qualify the end result, what then? Should you blame yourself for others inabilities? Is it fair to say a persosn who realizes and reaches for the positive in his/herself should have to wear labels because the counterpart is comfortable in their shortcomings because the blame will always fall to the one trying. I would like to date seriously as I am a traditionalist and cook, clean, entertain, etc. I am also a visionary and want a significant other that views me as a partner equal to his standard in the business realm. Why can't I have both with a man who is rock solid to a fault at home and has huge business acumen in the workplace? I find it hillarious the guys I've been with enjoyed my abilities in strictly feminine culture, but hate my boardroom bravado because I can often deliver better, with quicker results and have the income to prove it. Now I am not saying they did not support me, we just had no common goals to achieve. Do men want you to trail them no matter the cost? Is it that insulting to engage in a relationship with a woman of intellect and achievement? Thus far I've stayed far away from marraige because honestly it seemed contrite to me. My older, married sister taunts that I will never be married, lol! I think I simply need to find a person as special as I feel our love, enjoyment, company, compassion and competitiveness will be together! As I wouldn't fair well without the enjoyment of parts of me I want to share. No matter which of us brings home the bigger check I'll always be business savvy, a lady at day break and a lover at dusk! Note: I am not saying a man would be insulted by me making more, I just wondered if such issues as income or social standing can sometimes deter a man from pursuing. Often when dating (I mean dinner, movies, simple stuff) I've run into guys that look at my surroundings and manner in which I live and I honestly think it creates a mindset they would have to do so much better. Maybe they are not up for this. How do I find a guy that doesn't perceive my lifestyle as an obstacle or financial egor waiting to tax them? I enjoy my lifestyle and have lots of personal time I would enjoy spending with the opposite sex if that person had similar attributes, was interested in setting agreeable goals, enjoyed life with or presented a life I could engage in. What is so difficult about that? Do guys just want women to fall in their laps and simply be there to be moved about like a chess pond? Sorry to sound negative or contrived, but if a woman could avoid all the stereotypical reasons such as the feminist guy mentioned (might have relevance, dunno), what do guys say their generalized desire is. Mind you this question is for all men not just Men of Color. Please give us girls a clue just in case I, for one, should decide to go ring shopping to encourage such an adventure, lol!

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  29.   tandie2020 says:
    Posted: 22 Sep 09

    Wot a horrible world this would be if we had more black woman like Konstanze and Rheah59 who wrote at the very beginning of this article, my message to them is speak for yourselves you silly and selfish excuses of woman. your experiences do not reflect mine or many black women out there.

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  30.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 16 Sep 09

    edit: rendition. Ooooh I hate to misspell things,lol. No matter how many times I proofread, I still miss something..fooey. peace

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  31.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 16 Sep 09

    Thanks Teska27 for letting me see that I am not alone. Peace

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  32.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 16 Sep 09

    If "we" women stop making these thug types think they are fly, they would stop acting, dressing, and talking like thugs. Men do things to get US and the the thug act is just another redention added to the sideshow. Somewhere, someone is accepting these type of men and therefore it's positive reinforcements for dogs. Pavlov's experiment of classical conditioning at it's purist. I choose to be by myself if that's all I have to choose from.I get called mean all the time by men because I don't allow them to make excuses, white or black. What I have noticed,however that when you set up guidelines, it either drives them or draws them. It's like buying a car or negotiating my salary...I'm not afraid to walk away. I do believe there are many women, black,white or whatever who innately operate this way which may contribute to the idea that black women or women period are more likely to be single. It's funny how some of the men I've dated(not slept with) tried to "crack" me or break me and some I totally intrigued,lol. I've done and am doing my part to be a good person and woman but so many of these men wanted me to compromise or "dumb it down" because THEY haven't evolved. I firmly believe that if I stick to the way the bible tells me to "be holy,for I am holy" then I will be rewarded with the RIGHT man for me. Peace

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  33.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 16 Sep 09

    Hey Tatt Good to see you going toe to toe with you know who,lol. Keep up the good work. Peace

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  34. Posted: 15 Sep 09

    Welcome to the boards, Teska27..... Peace and Blessings tatted2death

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  35.   Teska27 says:
    Posted: 15 Sep 09

    Although this is true, we all have to keep in mind that it may be for a number of reasons. For me...Im single by choice and not because I cant get a man, im a gold digger, or have a bad attitude. These are just a few stereotypes that black women face. I just choose to wait for the right person to come along. I am a good woman and I refuse to settle for anything less than what I deserve. I know of a lot of women who are unhappily married or dating someone because either they have kids, they dont want to be alone, or for other reasons. I dont care if you have been with someone a long time, you should never settle for less because you will only make yourself miserable!!!

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  36. Posted: 11 Sep 09

    I agree with you whole-heartedly, Nikita.... ...but I must add that the excuses also MUST stop (not saying that you, personally, are giving any). But I think all people really must start holding themselves accountable for their own actions/lives. Any "conditioning" that any group may be subject to only goes so far anyway. I mean unless you live in some totalitarian part of the world, you have the freedom to "change your mind". Whenever I hear someone go on about what is not accepted by society I cringe. Common sense is NOT obviously NOT common. Don't these people realize that WE are society AND we CAN change things. The past 100 years have taught some people NOTHING. And these people that keep bringing up slavery as if they have the right.....the ones that actually suffered during that time would no doubt scoff at them....in disgust and pity over all the opportunities that these "victims" waste everyday by wearing the "mental shackles" from which they CAN release themselves. No one can "force" you to do anything unless they have a gun to your head....and even then.....you always have options. Some people opt to take the "easy way" and let others dictate to them how they should be. Others that refuse to be clones will have a rough road but the rewards are boundless. "Victims" that have nothing of substance to offer anyone are the one with NO OPTIONS. Peace and Blessings tatted2death

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  37.   Nikita says:
    Posted: 06 Sep 09

    I think black women have been conditioned to idolise the men who are the 'thuggish' or bad-boy type of men. we confuse pride and confidence, with arrogance and aggression. a lot of us are made to think these types of men have sex appeal. n, sometimes, because we are around and choose to deal with these men, we are forced to adapt to these men and usually, to get any kind of respect from them, we must act just as aggressive n mouthy as they are. problem is, some people transfer this loud and aggressive attitude to other situations outside the 'hood' and it doesn't work. or we use this same approach on a person that doesn't understand it. i think a lot, not all, of us black women need to correcting our attitudes and the way we think.

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  38.   85kguy says:
    Posted: 05 Sep 09

    Tatted is telling the truth and nothing but the truth. I know a woman in my town. She is pretty beyond compare. She is 32 years old and never married. She has one son. Loved one guy since high school. Had a baby with him. He went to prison for five years. He got out, she got him a job through the position she had. He was a assistant warehouse mgr right out of the Pen! They are no longer together. I wish I could show you her pics. Cannot attach them here. Maybe I can set up a dummy website so you can see her. She is prettier than Vanessa William or Ms. Berry. She works out religiously and looks 10 years younger than 32yo turning 33. Better looking than 12 months of Jet magazine centerfolds. No current prospects for marriage! Now she just parties with girlfriends on the weekend and the man she loved is gone Oh Yeah, he had a baby by another woman.

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  39. Posted: 22 Aug 09

    Wow...a lot has been said in here this month... First of all I must thank you, Ich....for clarifying my last post here....but ummmm yeah I WAS directing most of my post to that other guy.....NOT that I don't just love calling you on you stuff as well.....LOL. I am just glad that YOU recognize where I am coming from with most of what I post in here....that is greatly appreciated....(and hey, I actually think Gonzo was really cute....AND he crossed boundaries too...dating "chickens"...lol). And I shake my head at the women with issues with their own "behinds". Some can't wait until the weather breaks so they have it hanging out some hot pants while others are killing themselves at the gym trying to get it to have a shape it probably NEVER will. Women, in general, need to learn that it is ok to love themselves how they are.....and YES, take care of themselves physically and mentally....BE HEALTHY and not try and fit into some image that has been air-brushed to death. Most importantly I think people across the board need to stop worrying so much about the superficial and material and get on board with a spiritual connection of some sort....In these times I am certain it is essential to survival. ...and much thanks to trulysassi...... a very insightful and balanced post. Peace and Blessings tatted2death

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  40.   trulysassi says:
    Posted: 20 Aug 09

    This is a very sensitive topic/issue for black women for very obvious reasons. It is particularly important that black women and men have a constructive dialogue as it relates to this topic. This is especially true for black men who date inter-racially as recently the dominant reason (truth or myth) for the increase in single black women has been interracial dating. It seems to me from reading much of the commentary here that Black men and women have not escaped the longstanding finger-pointing and bashing that has plagued as a community. I do think that some men like djstime, though generally giving constructive feedback, nonetheless have resorted to bashing black women. The "angry black woman" as well as the "that's why I don't black women" comments are symptomatic of the gender opposition that is truly destroying our community. The same thing goes for the women who constantly invoke negative stereotypes of black men such as the jail-bait or the dead-beat dad. Clearly, there are black men who aren't any of these things so if you're interested in black men why not focus on the ones who have it together or the ones who are trying to better themselves? Negative only attracts negative. I suppose that it should go without saying that there are good and bad individuals in all racial/ethnic groups. Therefore, though it is unfortunate that you and others have had failed/dysfunctional relationship shouldn't mean that you bad-mouth all black wo/men. In my opinion, that's just baggage that you all need to work out in some type of therapy. If we raise negative issues that we have with the opposite sex of our race then it should be in the context of uplifting those who have fallen victims to these issues and/or finding solutions.

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  41.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 13 Aug 09

    I sort of grew into my nose over the years.

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  42.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 13 Aug 09

    Ich Gonzo?????? I don't sse it. Kids can be so cruel to one another. Michael Ok, I can see Eminem. The blonde hair, blue eyes,lol.

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  43.   Azrazyel says:
    Posted: 13 Aug 09

    I get ya Ich! lol Hey, peeps call me Eminem. I don't know to take that as a compliment, or an insult. lol

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  44.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 13 Aug 09

    Calm down. Her eyes are in proportion with everything else. lol I was called Gonzo back in middle school. You know, the purple muppet?

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  45.   Azrazyel says:
    Posted: 13 Aug 09

    Holy Sh!t. Damn, you were right. lol

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  46.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 13 Aug 09

    Thanks Ich. I had to show and prove my nickname,lol. Peace

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  47.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 13 Aug 09

    Hey, nice new pic! Wow, almost like Josephine, except she wasn't a slave. Saartjie was known in France as "Hottentot Venus" and Jospehine was known in France as "Bronze Venus". Saartjie was pimped out, Josephine sort of did it to herself for a minute, from what I understand. I was really telling anyone who read my comment to read up on her. I think it sheds a bit of light on some of the stuff we see in popular culture today.

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  48.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 13 Aug 09

    okay I will read up on that.She seems similar to Josephine Baker.

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  49.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 13 Aug 09

    "By the way, the media didnt influence black men into liking big booties, thats been natural for them LONG before the media" Actually, this is NOT natural. In the 19th century, Saartjie Baartman was one of two women from the Khoi tribe who were exhibited as sideshow attractions in Europe. How could big booties be of particular notice to African men when this is all they knew of their women or women in general? It only becomes noticeable when someone makes a point to mentionit, which a physican from France did. Accordiing to Wikipedia: "Saartjie was exhibited around Britain, being forced to entertain people by gyrating her nude buttocks and showing to Europeans what were thought of as highly unusual bodily features." I've seen many protests from black women in regard to music videos that have scantily clad girls dancing around like idiots just like Saartjie was forced to. The fact is you just never know what types of women you'll find with big booties nowadays. You can't just put that on black women now. Maybe black women more than other races, but not just black women. It bascially a moot point now, therefore you have the saying, "There must be something in the water..." Also, a big butt is nothing if it isn't shaped right, just as big breast mean nothing if the nipple isn't right. The affinity for a nice pair of breasts is the only thing natural for men and women because it symbolizes nurishment for human beings and femininity in women, which in turn is attractive to men. However, I've heard alot of men who could care less for large breasts. I, for one, am not one of those men! Please read up one Saartjie Baartman. It is a very informative, yet heartwrenching story. She died in 1815 and just had her remains returned to Africa in 2002. Almost 2 centuries of pleading with the Freach government to give her up for a proper burial in her homeland. In a way, the media has hyped the black butt thing for quite some time. And again, a media not run by us. Just wanted to put that out there.

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  50.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 12 Aug 09

    Hey godiva61 I had to laught to myself about what you said. It probably does feel a little funny calling me "bigeyes" because the size doesn't come through on the picture I have posted.(lol). But it is perfectly ok to call me Natalie. I want to say thank you so much for such kind and radiant words toward me! You are kind, wise, even-tempered and very intelligent yourself!Thanks again. You are right. If you use shallow reasoning in your relationships, you'll end up with mediocre relationships. Sounds quite logical to me. I wanted to make a little note about the words I used to describe the body parts in my previous post. That was a quote from escalademan. I should have put it in quotation marks so it would be understood that I was quoting the original author. I'm careful about the words I use and try not to use coarse language if at all possible. Thanks again. Peace

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