200 men tell you the real reasons behind infidelity
What is wrong with men? Can’t there be one d**k one woman? What makes men cheat?
Having dug through past research, marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman that most answers on male infidelity came from the wife’s viewpoint. So Newman thought it would make more sense to ask the men. In his new book “The Truth About Cheating,” Neuman surveyed 200 faithful and unfaithful husbands to get at the real reasons behind men’s infidelity and even better, what the cheats say could have made them avoid straying.
As per 48% of the men, emotional dissatisfaction was sited as the primary reason they strayed. I know most women may be asking “Isn’t cheating for men supposed to be all about sex?” So much for that myth: only 8% of the men blamed sexual dissatisfaction as the main factor in their infidelity. “Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is sex.” Well, Neuman says, “…men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them that they’re appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they’re trying to get things right.”
Men are less likely than women to express their emotional feelings, so it’s quite hard to tell when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. Its considered as unmanly to ask for a pat on the back or some attention form your woman hence most of their emotional needs end up being ignored. “But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness — and once you set the tone, he’s likely to match it,” Neuman says.
Well here comes another shocker: 66% of the cheating men in the group reported feeling guilt during the affair. The repercussions of cheating are a little scary. It’s not like the only men who cheat are the uncaring jerks. In fact 68% of those who strayed never imagined ever being unfaithful and they definitely wished they hadn’t. Problem is guilt has never stopped a man from cheating. “Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings … They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later,” Neuman explains. So even if your husband swears on his own children that he would never cheat, don’t assume it can’t happen. Both of you should take the necessary steps toward creating the marriage you want and preventing infidelity.
They say birds of the same feather flock together. Well so do cheaters. 77% of the cheating men admitted to having a good friend who also cheated. Being around fellow cheaters makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility - “My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. So even the best of us do it?” Sad thing is, you cant forbid your husband from hanging out with Mr. Cant-keep-his-weewee-in-his-pants. All you possibly can do is request them to hang out in a less tempting environment which is not easy to control. The best thing both of you can do is build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values. This will be a supportive environment for your marriage.
40% of cheating men admitted to have met the other woman at work. “Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts,” Neuman says. “That’s another reason why it’s so critical that he feel valued at home.” There are usually warning signs that he is somehow drawn to a colleague: if he praises or mentions the name the female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, brace yourself. It’s high time for you to set boundaries about what is and isn’t okay at work. For example, working late if it’s only him and her, having dinners out to discuss a project. One thing you have to realize is you can’t control what your man chooses to do at work.
How many times have you heard a woman cry, “What did he even see in her? She is not even attractive. This is an insult!” Well, according to Newman’s survey, only 12% of cheating men said the other woman was more physically attractive than their wife. Newman decodes thus by saying that a man doesn’t cheat because he thinks he will get better sex by sleeping with a hotter looking woman. “In most cases, he’s cheating to fill an emotional void … He feels a connection with the other woman and sex comes along for the ride.” Women, focus more on making your relationship more loving and connected, rather than getting your body just right or mastering new sexual positions. However, I am not saying sex doesn’t matter. IT DOES! It’s one of the main ways your man conveys his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep that a priority too.
Here is another shocker - Only 6 % of the unfaithful men had sex with a woman after meeting her that same day or night. In fact 73% got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated … a connection was established. Newman says that one may actually have time to see the warning signs before he actually cheats. Some women may even see it coming before he does. Here are some of the common signals: he spends more time away from home, stop initiating sex, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. You definitely might want to confront him, but most men will deny it especially if nothing physical has occurred.
Neuman suggests, that wives should take charge of what they are in control of – their own behavior — and take the lead in bringing their marriages better places. Show appreciation for him, give him priority and show him how much you want him by initiating sex more. Give him a reason to put you at No. 1 in his mind, Neuman says. Be open about your marriage and how you feel without dragging a third party into the conversation. Newman says to try, “I think we’ve started to lose something important in our marriage, and I don’t want it to disappear.”
More importantly, be committed to keeping tabs on your love life and doing what it takes to keep it working for the both of you. Remember, it takes 2. Play your part.
Tags: online dating, asian white dating, cross-cultural dating
Popularity: 24% [?]
Comment by tatted2death on 8 November 2008:
In my book there is NO excuse for cheating…….if you’re not happy; SPEAK UP dayummit!!!….and if the other person still refuses to work with you….MOVE THE HAIL ON!!!!… It’s just as simple as that. No need to complicate things with all the finger pointing. Just “don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya”…..lol.
Comment by hurttomanytimes on 9 November 2008:
He says I mean the world to him. He said the reason he cheated before bcoz he never thought we could ever get married bcoz i am an Asian and he is black.
After being with him for more than 6 yrs and taking him back after he cheated on me which was more than 6 times (yeah i m really blind in love that there is no cure) i introduced him to my mother and thinking that now he met here and now he see that there is a future together he wont cheat on me…boy was i wrong. I caught him again talking to another lady. The funny thing is that this is how it starts just talking then being with them for two weeks then he gets bored (that’s wat i think but he tells me that he will die if he loses me..Watever) and leaves them and sweet talk his way in by spoiling me all over. Now that it happened again i begged him to let me go and promise me never to contact me ever again. He says, “she is just a friend and has a boyfriend and knows about me.” ha! That’s a laugh he tells me this every time i catch him. Well this is not the problem. The problem is last time two years ago when i left him and got engaged to another guy (about whom i told him about when he tried to contact me to get back) he showed up at my place and when i didn’t let him in and told him that my fiancé was over he broke all of my house windows out of anger. And he got in trouble with the law.
So you wonder how i went back to him. Well my engagement didn’t work out and that guy was very controlling and wanted me to marry him right away and when i asked for some time he went crazy and contact my 6 times removed boyfriend and called my mom and told her i was with a black man before and the best thing for her to do is marry me to him. And called me at work at threaten me to hurt me physically.
…and me stupid scared from that contact my 6 times removed boyfriend and he comfort me and somehow came back in my life. He broke off his engagement and apologized that he will never do anything to hurt me. Oh well so much for that…he just did the seventh time. I know he is going to contact me again like other times and spoil me. My question is why i m so stupid to fall for it every time. Will i ever be able to say goodbye to him in my life time? What is wrong with me? I know he keeps doing it? Why he wants me back? He knows that i love and care about him a lot. Funny as it may sound he is my 1st true love and i still can do anything for him. And when he is with me he treats me like a princes and I treat him like a king. Even his friend tells me how much he loves me. So!!! Why he keeps cheating on me? Why do I keep taking him back? Why I love him with all my heart and soul? Why I lie to my family and tell them he is very good man? I ll be the most stupid woman in the world if i marry him after knowing him this well? I am afraid i will end up marrying him and be miserable for rest of my life? Background on his life: divorcee, after divorce got involve with a gal he really loved she cheated on him many times. So he told me she messed his head up he doesn’t trust any woman. But he needs to stop bcoz i am not her.
my Background: divorcee, was arrange married, he is the 1st real boyfriend i ever had. He is the only man i ever will love.
Any other man i get involve with i don’t care abt them that much. What is my problem?
I hope i don’t through myself in the fire when i am aware that i will not have long term happiness with the “6 times removed boyfriend”.
See I can give advice to myself bcoz i know from right to wrong. Then why i continue to torture myself?
Comment by hurttomanytimes on 9 November 2008:
He says I mean the world to him. He said the reason he cheated before bcoz he never thought we could ever get married bcoz i am an Asian and he is black.
After being with him for more than 6 yrs and taking him back after he cheated on me which was more than 6 times (yeah i m really blind in love that there is no cure) i introduced him to my mother and thinking that now he met here and now he see that there is a future together he wont cheat on me…boy was i wrong. I caught him again talking to another lady. The funny thing is that this is how it starts just talking then being with them for two weeks then he gets bored (that’s wat i think but he tells me that he will die if he loses me..Watever) and leaves them and sweet talk his way in by spoiling me all over. Now that it happened again i begged him to let me go and promise me never to contact me ever again. He says, “she is just a friend and has a boyfriend and knows about me.” ha! That’s a laugh he tells me this every time i catch him. Well this is not the problem. The problem is last time two years ago when i left him and got engaged to another guy (about whom i told him about when he tried to contact me to get back) he showed up at my place and when i didn’t let him in and told him that my fiancé was over he broke all of my house windows out of anger. And he got in trouble with the law.
So you wonder how i went back to him. Well my engagement didn’t work out and that guy was very controlling and wanted me to marry him right away and when i asked for some time he went crazy and contact my 6 times removed boyfriend and called my mom and told her i was with a black man before and the best thing for her to do is marry me to him. And called me at work at threaten me to hurt me physically.
…and me stupid scared from that contact my 6 times removed boyfriend and he comfort me and somehow came back in my life. He broke off his engagement and apologized that he will never do anything to hurt me. Oh well so much for that…he just did the seventh time. I know he is going to contact me again like other times and spoil me. My question is why i m so stupid to fall for it every time. Will i ever be able to say goodbye to him in my life time? What is wrong with me? I know he keeps doing it? Why he wants me back? He knows that i love and care about him a lot. Funny as it may sound he is my 1st true love and i still can do anything for him. And when he is with me he treats me like a princes and I treat him like a king. Even his friend tells me how much he loves me. So!!! Why he keeps cheating on me? Why do I keep taking him back? Why I love him with all my heart and soul? Why I lie to my family and tell them he is very good man? I ll be the most stupid woman in the world if i marry him after knowing him this well? I am afraid i will end up marrying him and be miserable for rest of my life? Background on his life: divorcee, after divorce got involve with a gal he really loved she cheated on him many times. So he told me she messed his head up he doesn’t trust any woman. But he needs to stop bcoz i am not her.
my Background: divorcee, was arrange married, he is the 1st real boyfriend i ever had. He is the only man i ever will love.
Any other man i get involve with i don’t care abt them that much. What is my problem?
I hope i don’t through myself in the fire when i am aware that i will not have long term happiness with the “6 times removed boyfriend”.
See I can give advice to myself bcoz i know the diffrece between from right to wrong. Then why i continue to torture myself?
Comment by SoleilMauvai on 10 November 2008:
(It is very late here, so I hope this is not to incoherent, my apologies if it is.)
In response to some of the other posters here questioning why the results of this study may not gel with their own personal experiences:
I agree that this study is not all-inclusive. There are other kinds of men that were not part of this study (involved but not married men, for example). That adds a lot more layers of complexity in many ways, especially how radically both partners ideas of commitment may differ from each other. (In actuality, rather than what they claim.)
The biggest thing that stands out to me though is how some users have pointed out that they have been no shortage of “there” for their partner, and still been cheated on. As a guy, I can say that it’s a little more complicated than that. Always putting yourself out (emotionally) for a person is not the same as always being there for them. You might be offering quite a lot, but none of it might be what they need at the time. Many women I’ve known who had this problem were also very resistant to considering it a possibility, let alone a problem. Immediately, trying to broach the subject (and I can be quite sensitive and eloquent at times) would be met with denial, or an existential crisis of how they felt like their love was inadequate. Sadly, the root of this brand of “not being there” has little to do with being there, and a great deal to do with an unwillingness to examine one’s own self and accept the idea that changing one’s approach to certain things in life might be necessary to accomplish the goals they hold most dear. (Something I’ve done quite a bit of myself.)
The other major point of that same particular issue is that women who have this problem repeatedly are often the ones that let it happen in the first place by repeated forgiveness. Maintaining good interpersonal relationships is based on a solid understanding of what is expected of each person involved, an awareness of what the consequences will be for disregarding these expectations, and (possibly most importantly) an understanding that the consequences will always be there, no exceptions.
(This applies whether you’re talking about training a dog, raising a child, maintaining a romantic relationship, or managing a corporation.)
As a guy I can tell you that many guys can “sense” (for lack of a better term) when a woman is willing to repeatedly forgive being cheated on and will overcomit so completely that she will consistantly let herself be walked all over. This is the same mentality that can (in extreme cases) become ‘Battered Wife Syndrome’. Now the vast majority of the “healthy” guys I know avoid women that give off that vibe like the plague, because they’ve got no desire for a woman that will let herself be taken advantage of by creeps like that. By contrast, that vibe often tends to attract “unhealthy” guys who *want* a woman they can have at home that will let them take advantage of their overabundant generosity of spirit and give them the opportunity to sleep around with whomever they like.
Comment by rid_dizzy on 10 November 2008:
It always takes two to tango. Lets’s stop blaming genders. I think a man and a woman are both equally responsible to work on a relationship. Communication is the key to every single problem in a relationship. Infedility arises due to misunderstandings because of lack of communication. If this is taken care of, then I’m sure we can always make relationships work in any given circumstance. Easy to say but hard to do.
Comment by trejalace on 11 November 2008:
tatted2death I totally agree amen!
Comment by Connie10 on 11 November 2008:
You hit the nail on the coffin rid_dizzy. I totally agree with your comment.
Comment by Casarin on 12 November 2008:
I am new at posting responses and this is my first so bear with me… I feel men cheat, because one they can and two the opportunity is there. A man can have the most attentive, beautiful, sexual wife at home and still cheat. They are not secure in their manhood.. they have to make sure they still have “game” or know that other women find them attractive. I also agree that it takes two to tango and that women cheat just as much as men.
Comment by ManChild65 on 14 November 2008:
I have read this and do not agree with the author. I don’t think it is cool for a married man to cheat on his wife. To me, you lied to her, yourself and God. If you didn’t want to be married, you shouldn’t have done it. Besides, I seen first hand how women get once the man put the ring on the finger. They want to wear the pants and the dress. Ladies, you can’t have it both ways. You must let a man be a man. If he does cheat, kick them out the house. It’s just that simple. Now on the flip side, if a man is not married, no kids and wants to date only, he should. The same statement goes for the woman. When you are in a relationship, there should be some respect. In the country people get married for every reason under the sun except the one true reason. LOVE.
Comment by sweetlayd on 16 November 2008:
I feel there is no excuse for cheating ever we r all grown just speak up and let the other person know what you are looking for and what u want –for pete’s sake!
Comment by curious4787 on 16 November 2008:
i am a man who has always been curious why women come to the conclusions that they do and after reading the article and suggestions i have to agree with them 100% but i have to add also that women after the relationship believe men should stop being men and change themselves to suit them that won’t happen often if at all so it really is better for her if she understands the man in her life extremely well that is if she wants him enough. It is very easy to quit and if its a short-term fling then u get the same short attention from him
Comment by curious4787 on 16 November 2008:
i should add that as sweetlayd comments we are all grown or are we? An adult doesn’t make excuses they seek solutions to problems
Comment by SoleilMauvai on 16 November 2008:
Important thing to note: The author here is not condoning cheating, [he]’s exploring the motivations for it. Actually, the whole point of the article is to explain why it happens and how to avert it, which I think is one of the major keys to success for both partners in a relationship - make sure you can give them “better and more” than they can get anywhere else.
Comment by phil66 on 16 November 2008:
Men cheat because nature did not intend a man to have one wife,it is inherent in a male human behavior to engage in sex without strings attached or feelings being involved.Marrying one woman is just a religious concept,it has been deeply engraved into our psyche that that is the norm.Ancient societies had men marrying more than one wife.This is still a reality in some cultures around the world.
Comment by SoleilMauvai on 17 November 2008:
Somebody’s obviously not been doing his research… All evidence points to our ancestors for the last 2 million years not being all that unlike our closest current relatives (chimps), who are by-and-large (though not exclusively) monogamous.
Having young with one of the longest periods of dependency in the animal kingdom (possibly THE longest, by a large margin), does not lend itself well to having to many mates.
Comment by douglas1957 on 18 November 2008:
I thought the whole concept of the article was sexist. NEWS FLASH-THERE ARE WOMEN WHO CHEAT & LIE,TOO! And guess what! There are men out there who have been deeply hurt by bad behavior on the female part as well! The article should have been more gender-neutral instead of male-bashing.
Comment by Kathryn on 18 November 2008:
The sad thing about it is: Is that we have all been there, and we women want to try to make out men happy, but we have to remember we can make no happy but our selves, we want to put the blame on the other person and make it like the other person is at fault for the relationship falling apart, but in reality we need to know what it was about that person that drew up to them, it may have been an mental thing, or a phyiscal thing in the beginning, but if you don’t feel that real spark in the beginning we tend to blame ourselves..I just wanna know why this one question that has been burned into my head..
“Why do the men say …I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore? Do they even have a clue as to what they are saying when they say that? Don’t lay besides us and let the tears fall and then the next day get up and do the same thing.. Just move the hell on and go and get the grass on the other side and see if the next woman is willing to play that game…More than likely she will see you and play you for the fool, for letting the best thing walk right the hell out of your life..
Comment by phil66 on 19 November 2008:
Reply to soleilMauvai
All I know is that more than 80% of men would cheat or have a potential to cheat on their wives at some point in life.And this has nothing to do with whether they love their wives or not.And it is not like men all around the world had a conference and decided to be cheating on their wives.
This goes to show that this is just something about men.The concept of marrying one woman is something that had to be enforced through religion.
Comment by MsNiceSmile on 19 November 2008:
Tatted2death i agree with you! I don’t know why people feel they have to to cheat?! Isn’t it easier just to say, “Hey, I am not happy. This isn’t working out” and walk away than to cheat, then lie to cover it up, start to feel guilty, and go through all the B.S? Man (Woman) Up and Speak your mind!!
Comment by fereshteh on 25 November 2008:
I think men cheat because they are insecure. I married a man that had a history of cheating on his ex. I found this out later in the marriage. He cheated on me with an uneducated married secretary at work. He said and still say that he loves me and admits no responsibility. As far as I am concerned we had no lacking in our marriage to justify his behavior. My wedding dress is still hanging in the closet. Shame on any one who is unhappy and does n’t say it. Or is that they are happy but they just want more and more.
I hate my husband and will never forgive him. I am going for a divorce. For all the men out there, there is no excuse for this selfish behavior. For all the girls that approach married men, you are just as insecure as the men. What happened to loyalty and integrity? What happened to ” I do”. Maybe we change it to what “I don’t”.
Comment by lisa on 17 December 2008:
I have had my full life experience of cheating; Six years to be exact. Been with this guy from high school, you know the one you hope to spend the rest of your life with.
Long story made short……… for those six year I have been cheated on, abuse, and to top it off disrespect. I met this other guy who was showing me all the attention that I was so longing for. Ended up that I cheated with this guy, but was still in love and living with my boyfriend. I ended up leaving my six and half year’s relationship and doesn’t have one single regret.
Now, it is my ex calling, wanting to take me for lunch, calling checking see how I am doing and before he didn’t show one ounce to say that he cared; But he still loves me and want me back.
Comment by PushItRealGood on 17 December 2008:
it takes both the females and males to work out the relantionship if their is love their - communication is the key !!!
Comment by mebfh on 17 December 2008:
I belive that cheating is childish and that both men and women cheat some will never stop other it may just be a hobbie
Comment by Britneyfq on 17 December 2008:
There is something wrong with the world, why would anyone want to hurt someone that much. Being cheated on is probably one of the worst feelings in the world, it makes you feel like you arent good enough and it is your fault, no one should ever make someone not feel good enough. Obviously you dont care about the person anymore if you cheat on them or if you even think about cheating on them, be mature and say it is over and then go hook up with that girl. And it is not just the guys, there are girls out there that try and make Men cheat, there is even a book out there that tells you how to make a man cheat, that is fucked up, this world is fucked up if someone would actually buy that book let alone write it. Treat others as you would like to be cheated, would you like to be cheated on? My guess is no, so dont do it to other people.
Comment by Britneyfq on 17 December 2008:
Another thing why should I work on a relationship and make him feel important and make him feel like he walks on water when he isnt doing the same, guys think that once they get you they dont have to do anything to keep you, well all relationships take work and the work never stops and it is on both sides to keep working not just the women and the women shouldnt get punished for not knowing what her guy wants with out him telling her, last time i checked no one is a mind reader, girls do it too just stop, communicate what you want it isnt that difficult.
Comment by Desi on 17 December 2008:
My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years . I have no fear that he’s cheated or ever will , because I do praise him , only because he deserves it , I call him handsome , and tell him I want him , because I really do . I think in a lot of cases women simply cannot respect their husbands so they cheat with women who will , for a time,but him being married , how can they respect him for long ? I wish someone would give me some feedback on this also , I’d love , absolutely love to have a conversation about this ???!!!? dezzy79@msn.com , I would love to chat. Also , my husband is a great father , takes great care of the kids , is an awesome father , hes been my oldest son’s real father for 6 years . Treats him just like hes his own , no one would ever know Devin was not his child. I respect him , and praise him , love him,call him handsome , iniatiate sex , or make shy comments , he knows me , I know him , its just the way it is , as I say this though , I think what if ? In my past I have cheated on those I did not respect , I’m sure they did too. I just hope in my happy marriage Karma will not come back to haunt me ? Can anyone give me advice on this ? I hope this helps someone other then me !!! Desi
Comment by TriniGuy on 17 December 2008:
Newsflash! Most of the women that married men have affairs with are also married. The latest poll shows that almost as much women cheat also. What’s the reason?
Comment by Mr_Success704 on 17 December 2008:
I’ve realized that both men and women point the finger too much at each other rather than really looking at what’s most important. I do not approve cheating in any way. However, I don’t believe that a person serious about a relationship enters the relationship with aspirations of cheating. Nowadays, you must keep your relationship/marriage exciting. You may have to do some things you normally would do or you may have to change some things about yourself just to minimize issues within the relationship. We often times enter relationship with so much baggage from life and previous relationship that their is no room for TRUE LOVE!. Maya Angelou once said “If a person shows you who they realy are believe them!” Don’t believe the hype both men and women. If he/she cheated once they are likely to cheat again. Don’t open up your heart to more damage believing and hoping that things will change. Allow you self to heal completely and then move on. No man or woman deserves a cheating mate.
Comment by 1voiceof many on 17 December 2008:
I believe the reason there are cheating spouses and lovers is becase there is a lack of unfulfillment within oneself. and if you are united through marriage or even a monogomous relationship and your significant othere isnt your best friend, that is, knowing what you need and how to get that to you,one will fall “victim” to prey and cheat. We are all humans and are equally tempted to do so especially when we decide to commit honestly to someone….no, this action will never be justified, however, it can be determined and finally avoided if we would define the underlying problem before hand. as for multiply spouses in ancient times, that was something that the kings did because they felt a need to strecth thier power, and that also doubled their chances of having successful heirs because of the different blood lines from different women.any one whom did that that wasnt royalty was just being a player, and the women had no voice and no choice but to live with it… and as for religion,how would you explain the many faithful people living without even believing in God???
Comment by 1voiceof many on 17 December 2008:
might i add, there are *always always* signs of someone sexually and/or emotionally unfulfilled esp. if you spend (constant) time with that person, you should be able to detech it sooner than later. everyone is different,yes, however we should know and could usually sense wen somethings wrong even without words. most of us are too busy gratifing ourselves and feel that everything is peachy,while the other is crying out…..or we ignore vital signs,which is a common mistake.
Comment by Desi on 17 December 2008:
I do know in my heart there is such a thing as true love. I’ve always known it , I wonder if some people just don’t have the compacity to show their true feelings because they have been hurt in the past ? I just wonder! I was that way with my husband when we first met , but I remember thinking , I should not have to hide the love and compassion and attraction I feel because I’m afraid to get hurt , I will show this man I have not been disabled by hurt. We all get hurt . Its a fact of life . I just decided to show him , instead of telling him , and guess what ? For six years hes been a man of action , and also he’ll tell me every now and then some feelings or emotions , but I can read him , so I just know and he knows how I’m feeling too , I seem lucky for this . I must say my adventurous side is too adventurous for him and sometimes that is really hard ! I want to go out and romp around in the forest with him , or go on drives , you know ? He likes to be at home with me , Go fishing , hang out with the guys , and I don’t show a hint of insecurity , that way I can hang with my friends when I want also . Its worked well , yet once again as I say this I think , sheesh , if I say this out loud will it all go to hell ? I dunno why I think this way , someone should tell me . DES
Comment by Yo Yo ! on 17 December 2008:
I think men cheat because they just like having sex. They like different variations of sex, different flavors of sex and that’s it.
They love the woman they are with, but having sex with one woman just aint… enough. Most of the men who cheat. I have met men who don’t cheat, love one woman and having that one intimate partner. That type of man is very hard to find, but most of the time when I meet a man like that I learn that they have very loving female relatives whom they respect to the utmost.
A mother that was married for years to their father, and showed love to one another all the time.
Anyways… women don’t have to accept a man who cheats, but they have to recognize that he aint gonna change, he will lie, steal and cheat just to have a sexual fling or an affair.
Comment by polskiboyfriendcheated on 17 December 2008:
i think it’s selfishness and greed. and yes- about emotional commitment. i met a guy online and he told me all about his girl, i told him about my guy. tthen, i started thinking..shouldn’t i be telling my guy about how i felt? talking to online boyfriend- because yes, my emotional confidences were a form of cheating. it felt good to talk to someone, so i talked to a. on myspace.
long story short- met a. in person, and listened to him tell me about how this girl wouldn’t have sex before marriage -so he dumped her. he told me about how he put numbers (like 44+) on his myspace and website- so that his girlfriend wouldn’t know how many women he was sleeping with besides her. he told me so much, that i felt sick. but we had some fun, and it felt like a connection…so i gave it a chance.
dumb- he cheated. he was online with someone else the day after i left. i confronted him about the comments she was leaving- he said he loved me etc- but he had already started up with a new woman! after 6 months we have broken up again and again with someone always crawling back. now? i just want to forget him…but still.
this last time- he was plotting christmas and new year’s eve plans with another women online…withoput telling me.
Comment by yup on 17 December 2008:
I am just going to speak from experience on this subject. I have been cheated on numerous times by the father of my children. I left him almost 4 years ago after calling his phone and some chick answered. I had caught him a few times, but thought for our babies we should stay together. After leaving & trying to date a year later, I found out just how many people play that game. Yes it is a game, to see if you’ve still got it, a need to fill some kind of void I guess. But little did I know girls are playing the same game guys are! Seriously??? I could never bring myself to even try being with more than one guy at a time, nor do I want to. I believe in being faithful no matter what. The pain is to much to bear when the truth finally does come out. So in closing guys and girls are guilty equally I think. Most of the time the girls will accept the offer knowing about the other one, and guys will accept just the same!
Comment by JADED on 17 December 2008:
there is so much to say on this subject…where do i even begin?
i am currently married to a cheater…
and his lies, deceit, betrayal, dishonesty, and infidelity have definitely ruined my life in more ways than one…
i don’t believe all this bullshit about “do more for your man” “tell him and show him how much you love him and want him” etc…etc…
don’t you think all of us that have been cheated on have done this?
well maybe not…but i sure as hell know i did everything…
and it does not matter how much love or romance or sex or forgiveness or understanding or anything that i have shown this man, he is still a piece of fucking shit who cares only about himself…NOT ME
i can relate to the asian girl (hurttomanytimes) who has the black x-boyfriend…that is similar to my life…i have been with my husband for years and he has been pulling the same crap…cheating, fucking me over, and then going overboard to make it up to me, convince me of how much he loves me, only to do it all over again within a 6 month period…i don’t understand why he does it, and i know he doesn’t either…although he is bipolar and not on medication, and this is one of the main reasons…but i also don’t know how i can be so fucking stupid to think that it actually is not going to happen again… i have lost count of how many times i have been hurt or fucked over by this man, but i only know of being cheated on once…that is not to say that it didn’t happen more times, because it could have, i just don’t know about it, and my husband is an extremely good liar, who is extremely convincing, and will do anything to cover his ass…so who knows…
so if you are a woman who is good..honest..faithful..forgiving..loyal..dedicated..loving…giving..etc…etc… in other words, everything that a wife should be…and you are still cheated on, should you really start blaming yourself?
NO
because it’s not about you
it’s about HIM (or her - whomever is cheating)
you can be the best most amazing person in the world…and still be cheated on…i’m a firm believer…ONCE A CHEATER…ALWAYS A CHEATER…that is the bottom line…if they have done it in the past, they will definitely do it again…we would all like to believe it won’t happen again, and that someone could never hurt us again like that, but the truth is LEOPARDS DON’T CHANGE THEIR SPOTS…
if you know of your spouse cheating in a past relationship, chances are 10000000% that he (or she) is going to do it to you too…
i think the guy (SoleilMauvai) summed it up best when he described that women like us give off a “vibe” telling these fuckheads that we can be walked all over and taken advantage of, then forgive that horrible behavior…
since when did being a good woman go out of fashion…sad i tell you…
what’s wrong with the world today is that people have no fucking VALUES… that is the problem with everything in this world…
rewind 50-60 years…and think about it… when people got married or were in a committed relationship, and they said to another person that they loved them, that they would be honest and faithful, stick with that person through thick and thin, they actually meant what they were saying…i meant what i was saying when i said my vows…my husband did not…why the hell would i still be married after all the hell i have been put through? only because i am an old fashioned girl inside a 2008 body - like june cleaver/martha stewart inside of christina aguilera’s “superbitch” character in her video…that’s the best way i can describe it…if i was not that, if i was like all these cheap easy dirty whores of today that have no morals, then i would have left my piece of shit husband long ago…and he knows what he’s got, like asian girl’s man…that’s why he won’t let me go…
well fuck
now i am REALLY pissed off
Comment by RustyBore on 17 December 2008:
I have cheated in the past and I’ll tell you that it wasn’t because I didn’t love my wife. Maybe I didn’t get what I wanted at home, then again maybe I did. So whats the deal? I cheated because I was never happy with the sex I got at home, it was OK, just wasn’t what I expected. I probably had 25 partners, only one of those was whatI would say was fantastic. I still think of her and she was the very last one. Why? She knew how to make a man feel like he was king. she used thos muscles between her legs to her advantage.She was the best and I haven’t looked further. That was 30 years ago.
Comment by JADED on 17 December 2008:
wow…to rusty above me…
25 partners?
now that sounds like a bit of sexual addiction…not just a simple case of cheating…
why didn’t you just have respect for your wife and tell her so that SHE could give you what you needed…not 25 other women?
Comment by Mellen Ball on 17 December 2008:
Wow…you ladies are a bit pissy. Listen. Don’t be so hard on him or yourself. Show him how it feels to be cheated on and do it to him. Flash it in his face and make him feel the pain you do. Your not a victim. Nobody is a victim. Suck it up and wear the pants women.
Take charge of your life and enjoy your time on this beautiful planet. I will bet you that when your smiling and enjoying life he will follow right along after you like that cute puppy you’ve always wanted him to be. Men enjoy games and taunting. We women have instilled this in them…it’s our fault. Think about that one for a moment.
Comment by Freddy on 18 December 2008:
I think that Squid as a supplement is a good alternative to fish. Go squiding people.
Comment by whiteangel on 18 December 2008:
I’m no expert on marriage or infidelity, but these days I don’t believe its either male or female, it is both sexes. I’ve been in a marriage of infidelity and yes it was hard, but I made a decision not to continue with it, and should I have been unfaithful I would have expected much the same. For the guys that say is unnatural for a male to be faithful - never marry!!! I know so many will disagee but let me put it out there - Who thinks the internet has helped marriages? me personally I think it is making it worse (just an opinion)
Comment by jlove on 18 December 2008:
I think everyone cheats for a reason. Myself, I don’t think it is right because you always end up hurting someone, but as far as men, I think they cheat because it is easier for them. If there is kids involved in the marriage, men don’t have to sty home all the time with them and have more time to do what they want. Women in certain instances have to worry about getting pregnant do to an affair. If you want to be in a relationship with someone it is alot easier on everyone involved, especially children if you make sure you want to be commmitted before you say “I DO”>
Comment by nats on 18 December 2008:
I think men are just assholes that they take advantage of good hearted women that are faithful and will love them and they see this as somebody they can walk over and cheat all the time with and she will stay faithful. This makes me mad. I think if a man wants to cheat he should just ask for a divorce and leave and not stay and have his cake and eat it. I believe most cheats have low self esteem and they are just trying to seek approval from other women all the time but they should look to God and stop fucking around!
Comment by pingu on 18 December 2008:
Lets talk of Abraham, solomon, David, (mswati, opsss he has) and they had so many wives. what do you think? ITS A FIRE THAT WAS PUT BY GOD himself. And man will always have to quench it its beyond his control
Comment by king-ding-a-ling on 18 December 2008:
eyes cheetz! huh well well now, cuz eyes got da “”"KING DING A LING LING” now lordy…….lmfao odf can i get a witness?
Comment by pooch on 18 December 2008:
Men cheat because they choose to cheat. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the woman in their life. I been told over and over again that I was a good woman and I was a beautiful woman inside and out. But this did not stop the man am in love with from cheating on me with, his ex and another. I think I had to learn to say no, and move on. They never change until they are ready to change. They know deep in side what is right and what would be good for them, but some just want to be able to be free to do what they want when they want. And I blame some of the women who: such as myself acting like I cannot let go when I should–> just be strong and do it for good and move on. I blame some women who are in to this “friends with benefits” thang because men tend to think that all women flow with the bullshit and think alike. I blame women who lay up with men the same night with meeting them. Men tend to think once again every woman will fall for the bullshit they present. Men also are testers they like to see how far they can take you and what all you will fall for. I learnt through my heartack to lay the cards on the table on what I will an will not deal with, even though he still walk away. But him walking away still show me he was a man for real, and at least he isn’t around to continue taking me through the pain. And also he showed alitle respect on the other hand to walk away. I learn to understand that no man deserves me if they can not value my selfworth, expecially if your the same one telling me am a good woman and do the opposite. Men also study women, this is why they try to pull a lot of unnesscessary bullshit. Men need to grow up and learn to get it together and stop playing the “I do not know why I do it” roll. We have a generation of children who are looking for guidance.
Comment by pooch on 18 December 2008:
Him walking away showed me that he was not a man for real.
update for the previous post.
Comment by Suzi008 on 18 December 2008:
lol - Hey King - no problems with self-esteem there!
Comment by Slitherin on 18 December 2008:
You know, I’ve seen a lot of talk shows where women come out and talk about their ex’s and how they were cheated on. Never once, while looking at them, did I see beautiful people. Anger and hatred can make a person very ugly, so be careful, and try to be confident, rational and smart. These characteristics are much more beautiful.
Comment by LoveSpell39 on 18 December 2008:
1voiceofmany..your post stood out more than the others..what you added was very interesting..and i actually have a few questions to ask you.i would like to talk more with you..when time permits. I look forward to hearing from you.
Comment by angelinoutfield69 on 18 December 2008:
I was in a relationship with a married man 9 years. The topic is about men but what does that say about women. I think men and women do what the other will allow them to do. We all are grown and make our own choices. He was married, still is and we are still together. She (his wife) left him, but won’t grant a divorce? Again, we make our own choices and somtimes there good and sometimes there bad. I think we should quit pointing fingers because one does not know what one will and won’t do untill there put in that situation themselves. She was with him 12 years and I 9 years of there 12. Both of us have children by him, she 2 and I 1… Are we (her and I) going too leave for good… only GOD knows that answer and untill he judges ALL 3 of us… what do we ALL do as grown individuals who may be caught up in Love; Lust and Life. God Bless.
Comment by Slitherin on 18 December 2008:
Just remember, everyone who cheats is a neighbor, cousin, sister, brother, daughter, son, mother or a father. So, if you are willing to call you’re own children garbage then go on hating. I love mi kids, odds are, one or both will end up in a situation like this. They are still beautiful people. People who live their lives with anger and hate need to understand the relationship of love and not just love in a relationship.
Comment by LoveSpell39 on 18 December 2008:
Beleive me not all men cheat on their wives.. your just picking the wrong men to get in bed with. A DUCK DOESNT F@#$ A PIGEON.A DUCK F@#$s A DUCK!!!And these two animals are two birds!! So why do you have it stuck in your tiny little heads that because your people your different from the rest of the species that roam this wonderful planet…..Black and white people are not the same!!!!!!! we are cusin species.yes we are close enough that we are able to make offspring.But it doesnt make it right. Black people are killing their race and white people are killing theirs. thats sad. Can we put an end to this??? where do you want to be in 500 years?…WHat about your children.. Can you actually live knowing that your destroying everything that your peoples faught and died for?!?!?!The concept of ?equality? is declared a lie by every evidence of Nature. It is a search for the lowest common denominator, and its pursuit will destroy every superior race, nation, or culture. In order for a plow horse to run as fast as a race horse you would first have to cripple the race horse; conversely, in order for a race horse to pull as much as a plow horse, you would first have to cripple the plow horse. In either case, the pursuit of equality is the destruction of excellence.It is not constructive to hate those of other races, or even those of mixed races. But a separation must be maintained for the survival of ones own race. One must, however, hate with a pure and perfect hatred those of ones own race who commit treason against ones own kind and against the nations of ones own kind. One must hate with perfect hatred all those People or practices which destroy ones People, ones culture, or the racial exclusiveness of ones territorial imperative.A People without a culture exclusively their own will perish.
No race of People can indefinitely continue their existence without territorial imperatives in which to propagate, protect, and promote their own kind.
People who allow others not of their race to live among them will perish, because the inevitable result of a racial integration is racial inter-breeding which destroys the characteristics and existence of a race. Forced integration is deliberate and malicious genocide, particularly for a People like the White race, who are now a small minority in the world.The White race has suffered invasions and brutality from Africa and Asia for thousands of years. For example, Attila and the Asiatic Huns who invaded Europe in the 5th century, raping, plundering and killing from the Alps to the Baltic and the Caspian Seas. This scenario was repeated by the Mongols of Genghis Khan 800 years later. (Note here that the American Indians are not ?Native Americans,? but are racially Mongolians.) In the 8th century, hundreds of years before Negroes were brought to America, the North African Moors of mixed racial background invaded and conquered Portugal, Spain and part of France. So, the attempted guilt-trip placed on the White race by civilization?s executioners is invalid under both historical circumstance and the Natural Law which denies inter-specie compassion. The fact is, all races have benefited immeasurably from the creative genius of the Aryan People.
A people who are not convinced of their uniqueness and value will perish.Truth does not fear investigation…….All you nigger lover are sick and you should kill yourselves, how can you willingly destroy something thats been on this earth for thousands of years. you make me sic…Get some pride in who you are and where you come from….FOR EVERYONE….political,economic and religious systems may be destroyed,then be ressourected by men,BUT THE DEATH OF A RACE IS ETERNAL……….
Comment by LoveSpell39 on 18 December 2008:
it sounds like you have some issues angelinoutfield69 oh and by the way im not LoveSpell39 I just used this name so i could type some stuff that I feel was important.
Comment by confussed on 18 December 2008:
well, due to the circumstance i was cheated on i feel nothing but complete disapointment (possibly soon to be exhusband) He has been sleeping with this woman from work for about 6 months now. he confessed because he coulnt deal with the guilt anymore. the kicker is its been 2 months since we ve been trying to get pregnant via invitro fertilization since he has fertility problems! 3 days after confessing that hes been cheating on me i found out that im pregnant!! so i have a couple of questions… what the f**k do i do now? and the second question…if he was unhappy and was planning on leaving why did he have me do all this?!!! why didnt he let me go n try to start a life with someone else. I ve given this man almost 9 years of my life. I feel alone, and i have lost my best friend. I dont think i can forgive him. some help please?!!!!!!!!!
Comment by Suzi008 on 18 December 2008:
LOVESPELL39 - you lost me completely on that one….back to the cheating thing - my ex and i have been apart for a year, but we still work together. He tells everyone (except me) that he’s found “the one” he’s totally in love with this girl (who has loved everyone in town if you hear me) he wants to marry her blah blah blah YET he still chases me, calls me early in the morning before work, makes suggestive comments, and still wants us to have a relationship - just now he wants ME to be the other woman. Funny, isn’t it? Fortunately, I’m a strong independent woman and his choices no longer validate me. He has no conscience whatsoever.
Comment by StuThaMan on 18 December 2008:
LOVESPELL39 your coming off 2 sound a lil bit racist there. But as far as cheating goes, i believe people only cheat to fill a void in a relationship whatever the void may be. And by cheating they release there fustrations that they have with there partner. But i also feel if your not ready to be in a faithful relationship you should just stay single and have fun and, when your ready to be faithful then you can settle down with someone you trully want to be with.
Comment by mandingo36759 on 18 December 2008:
I agree with mostly all the comments that were made.Men and women are both alike,sex organs are the only thing that seperates the two. Cheatig isn’t right and one should communicate with his or her partner and discuss the issues in the relationship. And yes a couple can still make it if they are willing to put pride aside and work on whats causing the problem. I was betrayed and worked things out and love er more now than before because I too know what it takes now to keep her happy.
Comment by LEOGIRL76 on 18 December 2008:
I believe that men cheat because you let them. I truly believe that if your man beileves that you WILL leave he will think twice before cheating. Every cheating man that I know has done it because he KNOWS that she will take him back (and they do).
Comment by angelinoutfield69 on 20 December 2008:
LoveSpell69 OR whoever you are, Lets talk issues… TRUE ISSUES because you definantly have them! First of all; your using someone elses (response name)and this is a FREE website which anyone can exspress what and how they feel about the subject at hand. I am entitled to my opinion just as you are and each and everyone that take time out of there daily routine to read up on the same subject… Respect it as everyone else did and when you get through doing that, take a moment and READ your own (BOOK) article. I’m sure you will loose yourself in it as I did and many other people who read it. You began making a point, I’m guessing… but somewhere down the line your chicken started to burn in the kitchen and you left to check on it. However; once you returned, you obviously forgot to proof-read to find out just where you left off….Need I say more? and also I absolutly agree with StuthaMan- I do feel your coming off way to RACIST! FOR GODS SAKE, arent we over that yet????
Comment by james.h on 11 January 2009:
There are only two thing that stop someone from cheating:
1. You being at your very best physically and emotionally
2. Character
#1 is extremely important…you have to look your best and be at your best…period end of discussion. If you are overweight and you think you look your best, well you don’t. If you are going after a man and you believe his ideal woman is 50 lbs. overweight, 95% of the time you will be wrong. That means, you are not picking and choosing your man…you are getting whats left. Which means you are more than likely to cheat. Its the reason why women or men who change their bodies for the better but their partners do not, end up leaving. Its not because they look better, but the accomplishment of going through the trials of looking better made them feel better. They have acoomplished something great and their mate has not. They now see that their mate is not as motivated and they want someone to match them. Because you do realize Like attracts like? So, if you are not at your best and you are attempting to find a man then you know exactly what you are going to get…you will get a man that is not at his best. Therefore, you both will be always looking for better. Even if you commit, you will still be looking for better because you are not at your best. Because if you were, you know for a fact you could find a better man. And what I mean is if there is something that you man could do better or be better at…if you were at your best yourself you would automatically believe that you could find someone who could do the things or be things your man is not. It is human nature to always evolve and improve.
Which, brings me to #2
When someone is at their best, they are more inclined to have the confidence and self-assuredness to have more of this:
Character. This is the single most important trait of a non-cheater. Someone who believes he or she is too good to lie and does not have to do so. A guy or girl with character will tell you if he or she will cheat and will do the right thing and leave. He or she will not cheat, he/she sees no reason to lower himself or herself to the level of a cheater. A person with character will not play you because that person believes he or she is good enough not to play you. That person can tell you the truth, give you the option to leave or stay and live with your decision…and you know what, more than often you will stay. At first you’ll be a bit emotional (or maybe you won’t) but you will respect the fact that the person was honest. And if you were emotional, a few months later you will call because you realize the person was honest and only exercised his/her right as a man or woman to do what is right for themselves.
Comment by james.h on 11 January 2009:
Lovespell39. You are an idiot. Not only are you spewing illogical propaganda but also lies. First of all, there is no such thing as an Aryan? That is a word that was made up. There is no country or continent where Arians lay claim, were initially born or live. There is not continent of origin for the Arians! Every single race has a continnent of origin. White people in general are not, as you call them, Arians dumbass. Soneone used that word to describe what they thought was a noble people but the earliest definition of the word suggests that all it means is “hospitable”. In fact, they stopped using the word entirely in academic circles around 1910 because nothing about its history was real. The word is a made up bullshit of a word. It means nothing. You are not Aryan because there is no such thing. And by you adopting this word and claiming some kind of status because of this so called word, it just means you’re a freaking moron.
Comment by Why? on 7 February 2009:
My question is why? What makes any cheat? Something missing? If it cannot be resolved, don’t complicate your life and someone’s else life by cheating. Emotions, time, are all wrapped up in a relationship. How do I know? Just ended a long term relationship with someone who was living with someone, that revealed to me, that he’s BACK with the woman we had been cheating with. I foolishly thought I was special. Hurt, but wiser….I know I deserve more. Glad for the lesson and the hurt, becasue now I know, it’s a persons nature to cheat. The person that iniates it is very, very good at manipulation and getting you hooked, but in the end, it’s not about you, it’s about him. Luckily for him, I’m not into hurting anyone and just have to let it go. The only regret I have is the time I put into this…
Comment by Man Confused on 27 February 2009:
Reason for cheating, there is no justifiable reason, it’s wrong I’m wrong. Question is why? I feel terrible about it and wish I didn’t. The other women cannot hold my wife’s bath water.
Why? Been married for 6 years and the sex have been awful. For the past 6 years, we have had sex 4-6 annually. Women on the blog say why don’t you bring up the issue to your wife for her to handle it. I believe that to be true, so this the reason I have brought up the issue probably 3-4 times annually. Then she would go into that she is tied from working and taking care of our daughter. So I ask, “Are you attracted to me,”" Do you find me attractive?”
To all these questions, she answers, “yes she does.” So at her recent annual physical I requested she have her thyroids check. All checked out normal and recently she admitted to taking me for granted.
Now in the past six years, I have been upset, not just for the lack of sex, but for the fact that I am the only one bringing up the issue each time. It upsets me to feel like it is just my issue. However, for the past four years I have defended my wife, saying to myself that I was selfish for my feelings. I need to give her credit for being a great mother to our child and she works hard in her career.
But in the past six months, I have had conversations with her telling her that my issues are real and WE need to deal with them. She says that she agrees with me and she wants to work on them. This work normally last for 2 weeks, and then we are back to the same boring routine. I Love my Wife and I can’t imagine being without her. I want to be closer too and with her physically, emotional and spiritually.
Issue is the lack of intimacy. No small conversations and I don’t feel important to her. Intimacy for her is me lying in the bed with her while she falls asleep. I’ve told her, it feels like we are roommates, not husband and wife some time. With the difficulty in the marriage, I have expressed to my wife my reluctance to have another child. I feel, if we have a difficult time connecting with one child, that it will only multiple with another child.
The other girl is just that, she adores me and has that sprinkle in her eye when she sees me. Truth is why her, because I can corrupt her. Sex is good and connection is good. We have had sex of 2-3 hours (without Viagra.) My wife has said to me after a recent 20 minute episode, that is was good and it didn’t take to long. I didn’t respond, because I was happy to be with my wife. But, I am amazed by how far apart the two of us are. I only lasted 20 minutes for many reasons: I know my wife wouldn’t like too much longer; it felt very good and I went with the feeling; I choose not to go too long to prevent further sex.
Comment by coachtaylor on 31 March 2009:
We keep asking why do people cheat. You can ask the question a million times, come up with a million assumptions, but none of them are based on facts. I agree with a couple of things posted here. I believe that each person needs to have their own identity in a relationship. Men and women try to control every aspect of their relationship from where their partner can go, who they can hang out with, what time they have to be home, what they can spend their money on, etc. You look for equal partner not another mother or father.
I also agree that each person needs to look their best. You have to think when you walk out the door and say ooh that person is cute it is probably because they are dressed and they look presentable. So if you are running around the house everyday in sweats, never take a shower or do your hair, why would that keep your partner attracted? That probably isn’t how you looked when they met you.
I also believe people treat you how you let them treat you. If they have cheated on you before and you’re still there, it’s probably inevitable they will do it again. As Dr. Phil says, the best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. That means your behavior and your spouses.
I have also been cheated on, in my marriage and in a 10 year relationship that I was in. I am now single. I also have children from both relationships. That is not a reason to stay. Obviously, if it made it to that point it wasn’t a healthy relationship anyway. What is it teaching the kids? Is it teaching my son that is how you treat a woman? Or maybe I should let my daughter believe that is okay for a man to treat her like that instead of teaching her that she doesn’t deserve it and she can stand on her own. We tend to believe that kids are naive when they aren’t. I thought they didn’t know what was going on because we didn’t bring it up or argue in front of them. So when my daughter wanted to talk about it I was amazed she even knew. It made me proud that I was out of the situation and didn’t have to explain why I am settling for less than I deserve.
I also feel people are quick to bail on relationships these days. Marriages used to work because people used to work at them. The first sign of trouble didn’t mean run out and find someone else to bring into the relationship. Usually that doesn’t work out either. People need to take the time to reevaluate the situation and think if the grass seems greener on the other side maybe it’s just time to fertilize your own.
Comment by Velvetjag on 5 June 2009:
Love, devotion, commitment,communication,it’s a choice I have to make each and every day if not moment by moment with the man I am with.
And yes he is cheating on me. I began recognizing the signs several months ago, which seemed to appear the moment I became daily critical of him because I was not satisfied with how he was treating me in light of all I was doing for him. I focused on that disastisfaction of mine and all that he was not to me and we both became miserable, he became more and more distant, I became more and more demanding and focused on every infraction.
I became critical, he left. He did not choose to do the right thing to make things better, he left.
Comment by fondasmurf on 21 July 2009:
It’s been 4 years and the pain is still strong. I had a nervous breakdown when my second husband cheated. My first husband slept with whomever would have him, it hurt but just because the kids would lose their father being at home. My second husband and I dated for three years before getting married. I wanted to be sure before I said I do. We had a perfect marriage until he got on blood pressure pills and could no longer have sex, we tried everything, Viagra and all the other pills. Well I decided I could live without sex if it meant staying with my soul mate. He on the other hand became depressed he wouldn’t even shower half the time, I talked and begged and pleaded for him to get help, I told him I would never stray away for sex, because marriage is more than just sex….. my seventeen year old daughter got into drugs and drinking, I had her in counseling to no avail, one night my hubby got drunk for his birthday and my 17 year old climbed in bed with him….he still couldn’t get it up thank goodness, when she told me what she had done I lost my mind, I called the police on him and then I took my daughter to the hospital to be checked. I have never recovered and am on meds for depression still. When I finally had the courage to talk to him he cried and told me he thought that since she was young and pretty he might be able to get an erection…I wanted to kill him, he begged God to let him die..I told him I was the victim and let out all my grief and anger…but still here I am 4 years later and knowing that I lost my true love over SEX.I am in a relationship with a sweet man and I do love him,but I still have problems trusting. People put to much importance on a physical function, yes I love sex but you can have sex with anyone…love now that is rare to find, so please people realize that love is precious and wonderful and not worth losing over a piece of ass!!!!
Comment by fire321 on 26 July 2009:
Fondasmurf
I’m sorry but you sound pretty pathetic. You really didn’t need to air that much personal information for everyone to read. Then on top of that your husband has disrespected you to the point of no return and you still remain loyal to him, not to mention he’s not able to make love to you (or won’t make love to you). Seek therapy and don’t keep carrying that baggage around.
Comment by samesame1982 on 15 September 2009:
Will there ever be an understanding? Is there really a way to prevent infidelity?? I don’t know. All I know, and all i’ve ever known is: People cannot control the actions of another. People do not have the ability to be 100% satisfied and stay that way. I am a man. I was cheated on. I broke it off with her, and 3 years later she came searching for me. She was engaged. So, we started talking as friends. Hey, I enjoyed her company. After a few conversations, she told me that she was calling it off with the guy she was with. A few days after she told me this she shows up at my house saying how she was single. We had very passionate sex. Afterwards, I found out that she was still with the guy! And what really blew my mind was, it was the same guy she cheated on me with all those years ago. Its not just men. It’s people. So the next time I hear women calling men “dogs” or saying that they hate men because they mess around too much, just remember, it happens to everyone. It happened to me….And it almost ruined my life.
Comment by Hayley Connors on 15 September 2009:
Very timely data regarding exciting positions to do. Thanks for the info. Many people have similar situations in their lives.
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Comment by Alberta Gallo on 5 October 2009:
Men cheat because they just aren’t happy with what they have at home,case closed, dogs!!!!!!!!
Comment by RYAN on 23 October 2009:
Not all men cheat. Some men cheat because they are not completely satisfied sexually with only one person. And some men are immature and just want to have fun and think that they can get away with anything.
Comment by neosha on 2 February 2010:
i ben marrid for 8 years.but in that piriod of time
he hited seral time.we separeted for 4 year went with his lover had one child with her.know he’s back with me but i can never trust him again he is trying hard to make things work but the table is turne because am the one that’s chitting now.
Comment by fenway2k on 8 February 2010:
WOW!! The bitterness and past hurts just OOZES throughout the responses.
I found this article very helpful because I see it for what it is:
1) It seeks to gain understanding as to why men may cheat
2) It debunks a lot of myths that are out there as to why men cheat.
In reading the responses, I had to go re-read the article. After doing so, I couldn’t find where the article excused or implied excuses for men cheating.
I believe this information could be invaluable for entering into a new relationship as a preventative measure. Healing a relationship where the infidelity has already occurred is another can of worms altogether because trust has been broken.
What makes me laugh is these stats came from the horse’s mouth so to speak, or the men who cheated. They gave their reasons why they cheated only to have the Bitterness Brigade dismiss them and interpolate THEIR reasons why that person cheated! The arrogance is astounding! You know them better than they know themselves! Amazing!
I have never cheated in my life, but I will tell you this…in one of my previous relationships, when things were good we were happy, I was into her only and I would literally look the other way when women tried to hit on me.
But she was very demanding and controlling and when we were nearing the end of our relationship, I noticed that I started paying attention to those flirts and returning eye contact. I also noticed that I would be short-tempered with my ex. The only point I disagree with is what those signs mean. A woman should not take these reasons as a sign of infidelity, but as a sign of their relationship being in jeopardy.