First of all, are men even allowed to turn down sex?
The first time man said “No” to a woman brought forth a lot of questioning and hypothesizing – Am I not attractive enough? Is he gay? Something I said? For years men have dependably wanted sex and we aren’t known for the “not-tonight” behavior. So when you tell a woman otherwise, then you better cancel summer as well. It’s traumatizing.
According to the The Sun, the trend of men turning down sex has become an epidemic. In comparison to ten years ago, a 40% increase in men claiming to have “gone off sex” has been reported by British relationship service Relate. Anecdotal reports from experts in the field also confirm that men are vetoing sex now more that ever.
Deidre Sanders, The Sun’s Agony aunt backs the above saying, “this problem [has increased] in leaps and bounds during the 29 years I have been an agony aunt. When I started I never heard about the male of the species suffering from low sex drive — but now there are so many that I’ve had to write a special leaflet all about reviving a man’s sex drive.”
So why are men turning down sex?
According to Sanders’ readers, the problem is commonly linked to “…over-long working hours and with men getting so hooked on extreme internet porn that they can’t respond to the normal flesh-and-blood woman in their bed.” She also adds that “… men are also put off initiating sex by the feeling they are getting it wrong. Now that it’s seen as just about compulsory for women to reach orgasm, men feel failures if their partner isn’t in ecstasy — but both men and women find it difficult to talk about. Women don’t know how to explain to their partner how to get it right, and men find it hard to listen. Instead, they tend to go off in a defensive sulk—and avoid sex.”
It’s not like women have gotten any less satisfied over the last 30 years. I believe the only thing that has changed, is that women speak out more about their sexuality. So is the female sexual liberation causing the increase in male sexual withholding? Does women owning their sex-drives tear at the very core of the fabric of male sexuality?
Tags: multicultural dating, dating websites, online dating
Popularity: 15% [?]
Comment by angelwings62 on 20 March 2009:
Wow this is truly a very interesting concept.
Comment by RightGuyNow on 20 March 2009:
Daisy33 sure gets it right! I believe many men of today wish that professional career women could leave that aggressiveness at the office. It feels like some women have forgotten their feminine nature, and have opted to act as aggressive as men. Men need to feel that they are the man, not feel as though they are constantly competing for that role. I will be the first to admit that most women can multi-task much better than men. This can leave a man feeling like he is not needed. When a man feels un-needed his confidence and security is eroded. Try this simple experiment: the next time you notice your guy trying to be helpful, fix something, or in general being useful, realize that it’s his way of reaching out to you. He wants to be noticed and appreciated. This will flat out turn a guy on!!! It’s exactly the same as when you women get a new dress or hairstyle. If a guy notices and comments, doesn’t that make you feel pretty and attractive? If you want some rock solid sex, passion, and probably some much needed communication and talk, this is the path. Even though his helpfullness or his attempts to fix something may not work out, please don’t make him feel bad! His vision of himself depends on his woman thinking he is the smartest, brightest, handiest guy on the planet, even though he may not be.
Comment by nanzola on 21 March 2009:
I was out last night with 4 couples, yes I was courageous as the only one single in the group to go to a bar-lol- had a great time, great friends, however it was intriguing to hear all them talk about the lack of “activity” in their marriages, it was all fun, but it got me thinking, in my last year of marriage we also put off sex a lot, suddenly the grass was greener on the other side, including as the article says, porn for my ex, my career took a center stage and I know he resented that. Well it is important as a couple to care and communicate, certainly these times had made it difficult, with all the pressures of life and the exposure of the Internet, as the net is a valuable tool, it also magnifies what is out there and I believe some fantasize about the impossible, while your own relationships deteriorates. I hope to get it right the next time around, as life without sex is not life ; }
Comment by BLACKQ on 22 March 2009:
Yes i do agree with every word in this post.I get an orgasm using my TOYS than being with a man.I do think part of it have to do with men getting hooked on internet porn as you say,but i also think that most men don’t spend a lot of time doing fore play any more because they are too busy watching the on line porn while having sex with their woman at the same time, and its a big distraction.Now if they put more time into making love,paying attention to our needs in bed,and listening to us ladies then we would be a lot more satisfied and reach an orgasm.All too often a man has sex with a woman the way a man likes it sometimes too crude,too quick,too unromantic,and a woman makes love to a man the way a woman wants it sometimes too slow,too romantic,too emotional.Once you’re under the sheets with your lover,discard the golden rule like a dirty night nurse.To sexually enrapture and capture your prey ,a woman should have sex with a man the way a man wants it.A man should make love to a woman the way a woman wants it.I know that men like it hot and sexy and women like it more passionate and loving.I think thats why more and more women these days turn to women for satisfaction,us women get the job done better than most men.
Comment by LOOKIN4myBOO on 23 March 2009:
yessss …….i do agreed !!!! ya’ll women thinks thats all men want is sex ……thats not true . For me personally ……i prefer gettin’ to know a woman first and see if theres any chemistry and connection between us befored anything can jump off like that . I am very cautious at who i’m dating and have a long term relationship with anyway …..and i am not even being picky. Ya’ don’t have to be skinny or lookin’ like a super model …..cause’ i love all women who has great personality and sense of humor. Ya’ll women don’t need TOYS period …..i can satisfied my woman with just my Tongue and foreplays and lots of kissing and nibblins’ on her neck . = )
Women need to be more agressive and not being shy when ya’ see a man who likes you and willing to give his # for you to call him and don’t wait till next month to holla at him …..that’s RUDE !!!!
Good Luck ladies and i hope every1 will find ya’ll prince charming .
x0×0x0×0 DON
Comment by Doriengre on 25 March 2009:
The reasons for a low sex drive among men are many. It is not only because men feel emasculated but it also has to do with health. The sexual vigor of a guy strongly depends on his health. Most busy guys only eat fast food meaning they are malnourished. The more malnourish a guy is, the less he can think about sex. He uses whatever energy he has to focus on remaining functional, remaining competitive and coping with the endless river of stress threatening to drown his every thought. Also, there are new breeds of men who do not just jump into bed with every woman they meet. They have very good control over the sexual desires.
The emasculation angle also has to do with the inability of must men to give their women an orgasm. Most men quit while they are ahead and avoid intercourse altogether. After all, why start something you cannot finish? The fact that most women nowadays are using machine to satisfy their sexual desires, render some men totally inadequate in the bed room. Women using (toys-vibrators) to produce an orgasm can be a bad thing when abused.
Too much usage of toys can desensitize a woman’s virginal area making it harder for her to have an orgasm while having intercourse with a man. With a toy, it is easy because that toy does not have to do much work. But a man has and his penis does not vibrate. Another big problem I can think of is the fact that most men are going impotent or fighting premature Ejaculation. This is a result of over masturbation cause by their addiction to porn. The way I see it, the issue of men shying away from sex is not going to go away. It will get worse in the years to come.
Comment by swirlisok on 25 March 2009:
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Comment by asianmansam on 30 March 2009:
I’ve been now three or four times now 2 years without sex. This is my longest and no it’s not porn. I am very good friend to a cam model I meet here and I refuse to see her nude. I am yurned off and scared of being a very 100% giving, loving ,understanding everything man who when in love even enjoys helping my wife or love cook, clean house, great sex and the whole works and I always get hurt by women who cheat, go back on illegal drugs, alcohol and being hurt sooo many times I’m scared of women, they always lie, and just recently I met a woman on a dating site and she spoke Gods scriptures sooo well that I began to and then loved and trusted her enough to all together send her over $800.00 to Nigeria,well things started to not add up and my best friend e-mailed her and sure enough she mailer him twice with second letter saying she was looking for a man just like me the one she was still telling she loved and was my fiancee. I forgave her being the man I am but told her I didn’t trust her and would send no more money. She knew why I’ve been without sex 2 years at our meeting and said her mother was getting flight ticket as first one itenerary did not have her name ion flight, first red flag. So she started asking me about cdedit cards and how she was trying to make the $550.00 she needed for required travel expence, no such thing so I sent her e-mail from my other account by another name and suyre enough I as a guy named timmy not ionly got 6 love letters he/ me got gher phone # which she told me she couldn’t afford. I suprised her yesterday after saying in messenger that I wired her $425.00 and later I wrote her as Timmy as she said her birthday was end of this month to him/me and I sent her 89.00 last month for her birthday. She must have one every month,lol. well I wrote her and said (I really was) a famous actor and if she scrolls down she will surely have heard of me, and she has, I told her exactly who she’s been writing love letters to after just getting off messenger wuith me as loyal soon to be wife. This is why I choose hand when I need it over live women, I’m 48 and still looking for a real woman. Most these women on these sites who say age doesn;’t matter are cam whores and try to get me to pay to see their slutty little cute bodies, no way, when I was young and still could if I was that kind of a man sleep with 3-6 different women a week but I stoped that at 26 when I first felt true love and my first wife turned out to br an athiest/ communist, but being the kind of a man I am I still loved her as I unlike women cannot turn my love off abnd on. So UI may go the rest of my life without sex as I wonder if theres even one woman left who wants whats in a mans heart and not pocket and sexually only????
Comment by asianmansam on 30 March 2009:
Oh by the way may athiest communist wife had to ask me what to write as grounds for divorce as I gave her like every woman I ever loved no reason at all to divorce me. She told me the way I was (outgoing to strangers, giving loving and all) made her feel bad about herself. She divorced me on my birthday and then took me to my now ex-home for a birthday dinner and her desert upstairs. I chose to do it in front of the mirror so she could see what she would be missing the rest of her life. To me I see all women as evil until I meet one who is true to her word as I don’t know what it feels like to get loved back, only give it. Womem in my life get’s my 100% given to them and most keep their 100% leaving woman 200% me 0%. I would truely love just once to know what it feels like to be loved back and for wgo I am and not for my looks, wallet and what I carry and can do with what in my pants, mouth and fingers?????????? oh 3 years athiest wife was to this day my longest relationship with a woman.
Comment by Smile4242 on 30 March 2009:
With more and more women complaining that they are not getting as much sex as they desire, it is clear that there is a major trend going on. There are many causes for the decline in sex from men, some of which are mentioned in the article, but there are some additional ones as well.
One is the changing culture and attitudes around sex. About 50 to 100 years ago, sex was a duty the wife performed for her husband for his pleasure. And 200 years ago some religious groups such as the Puritans preached that people should not enjoy sex and it was a sin to have sex except for the purpose of procreation. Now fast forward to today, where women are liberated and allowed to enjoy and talk about sex as much as they want, while men are criticized by feminists for being too sexual. That in itself explains why women want more sex, and some men are reluctant to push for sex too often for fear of being labeled a male chauvinist pig.
In some ways, the feminist movement helped tone down man’s expression of his sexual drive, while raising a woman’s expression of her sex drive. It is starting to get to the point where the scales are tipping the other way, with some women acting like stereotypical men (pursuing sex just for the sake of sex), and with some men acting like stereotypical women (declining and withdrawing from sex based on how he feels at the moment). While not everyone is like that, it is something that is seen more and more. Women are definitely more expressive about sex, both in public and private, while men are criticized or even punished for publicly expressing their sexuality too much. Societal pressures are changing how men and women express their sexuality.
The fact is that the human sex drive for men and woman are actually equal, it is just that societal norms and what is taught is acceptable modifies that normal drive. Then combine that with more stress, worries about performance, and just general fatigue from working a lot, and it is no wonder that some men want less sex than they used to.
Comment by Smile4242 on 30 March 2009:
(By the way, for the record, in my last post, I was just stating the facts and not passing judgment. If you think I am promoting one system over another, then you have read too much into my last post. I am making this defensive statement preemptively because some people seem to think that if you state an unpopular fact, you must therefor be an advocate of that fact. Learning requires looking at all the factors, even the unpopular ones. You cannot make a better future by ignoring the past you don’t want to think about. For the record, I believe that men and woman have the power to create whatever type of relationship they want, and as long as no one gets hurt, I’m fine with that.)
Comment by breeze3 on 1 April 2009:
after listening to the variety of opinions about why men are turning down sex, i can agree that all points have merit and every man is different. i can name several situations i have witnessed, heard about or participated in that have cooled off my and many of my friends… and none have to do with porn. the tables have turned.
role reversal has set in today. women have become more masculine and men have become more feminine. women are hustling men and men are backing away from women. men don’t like to be conned, but they have seen their best intentions get used against them as women have learned that egoic control (normally a male trait), even revenge is sweeter than love. after all, women have the power between their legs to get both men and women!!
the old trade of beauty for money is alive and well. in many cities i have lived or visited, “arm candy” costs money, and beautiful women are keeping score amongst themselves in bars as they compete for the best story at lunch while their newest man empties his pockets to make her happy. when she senses his pockets getting empty, she is willing to prospect on her way to the bathroom while on a date with him!
i hear women say it more often than men, but the outcome is the same: men and women are choosing to be in same sex situations due to abuses they sustained, scarring them for life with opposite sex partners. but the “metro-sexual” of our time is someone who can go both ways without being called gay (for men) and it is socially acceptable - even encouraged - for women to hook up with women in clubs, bars and social circles, because every man fantasized about three-somes with two women. women making out in most clubs always draws an admiring male crowd.
obviously, some are not turning down sex as much as being more selective about who they want to have sex with. i learned along the way that historically, men thought they chose; in reality, women always chose. their sex controls the outcome. but men only thought they influenced the outcome by their “dog and pony show” tactics. women had to make sure a man could take care of them, particularly during childbirth, before “liberation” had a name. it obviously did not always work out, but it has been said that this process was embedded in women’s dna throughout the ages.
what is now clear to me is men have grown to realize that in the era of women’s liberation, they have less power, less influence on the final decision and are put more on the spot to perform as women “pick up” men! suddenly performance anxiety is present and most men either hate to fail or there is not enough communication to determine how to win. the switch is confronting and seemingly an obstacle that women are collecting more numbers than men now!
unfortunately, i have met women who are not as inclined to masturbate because of their upbringing, and toys are “gay” to them. so they magically assume a man is supposed to know how their body is wired and please them like a gigolo or sex-slave. this arrogant self-righteousness leads to arguments during and after sex about what the woman expects that man to magically know to make her happy, and he is at fault. if that is present, she needs professional help and he should move on!
aside from the fact that women can falsely accuse men of wrong-doing and go to jail falsely, i see men stepping back and watching women more carefully, less willing to engage women as if something bad can happen sleeping with them.
and finally, women can be carriers of sexually transmitted diseases without knowing it, while men commonly get obvious signs, like burning during urination or visible spots on their genitals indicating they have something wrong with them. is anybody so willing to jump in when the waters are so murky? i guess not.
being single all my life, i have seen a lot, maybe too much! fortunately, i am free of stds and i don’t worry about getting taken for a ride, but i am very observant of who i keep company with, well before i think about sleeping with them.
Comment by Passhun34 on 3 April 2009:
I know what the problem is! It’s a reversal of roles. It won’t be long before men become house hubbies and soccer Dads! :0)
Comment by bj on 19 June 2009:
These are the assumptions women make even before they talk to a man-
“Everything a woman says or does is right, everything a man does is wrong and he is not going to show you respect.”
“I can do whatever i want but the same rule does not apply to a guy.”
“I can put a guy down whenever I want because guys deserve it”
If this is how a woman thinks why would i want to talk to her, know her or want to have a relationship with her, much less have sex with her.
I have a happier time being single and doing my own thing than being with a woman. I also do not think having sex is important for someone to be happy in life. if you absolutely need it, you are better off paying for it than loosing you piece of mind.
Comment by Ichibod on 7 July 2009:
That’s what I love about being a man. Many women don’t believe or realize just how much we actually feel or how deeply our emotions run, but just look at how much we can say about them and how vividly and accurately we can describe them.
I agree with Daisy33. I want a woman to be my friend and my support. My power of attorney and beneficiary. Not my boss.
Just like LOOKIN4myBOO, the tongue has bailed me out plenty of times. Just about everytime.
And breeze3, well said my, brother! Every word.
And bj, I’ve see plenty off women all over the place that peak my interest. It’s just knowing which one’s carry the assumptions you mentioned in mind or not that keeps me at bay.
It’s funny how there are in fact sex toys for men, however you don’t hear men going on and on about using them. Even in songs, television shows, movies, and in blogs you hear women bragging about them. Also, you never hear many men with negative complaints regarding a women’s performance. We may complain internally, but we still feel our main focus, as well as our achilles heel, is the woman’s satisfaction and approval… or the lack thereof. It’s as though we care more and are willing to sacrifice ourselves for her pleasure and at her will. I know I’m not the only one who sometimes feels guilty or embarrassed for finishing before she does.
Comment by trulysassi on 20 August 2009:
I think this issue speaks volumes about the construction of masculinity. Very few men are able to communicate well on an emotional level. For the most part, many women fake orgasms and sexual pleasure in order to spare men’s egos. This kind of dishonesty has not benefited either sex. I personally think that sex and sexual pleasure as well as male/female relationships have to be radically redefined in order for us to have healthier relationships and more mutually pleasurable/satisfying sex lives.
Comment by belle1978 on 25 January 2010:
joining this discussion i must say that a lot of times men dont respond to our libido is cause of health reasons:high blood pressure,depressionetc.it could be for psychological reasons as well,maybe its a bad time for them personally and they find it hard to tune into the stud we expect them to.
it might be the fact that the sizzle of the relationship has fizzled and the thrill of the begining has left the building…..
men get lazy and selfish.they know sex is crucial in a partnership and yet they dont move a finger after a while.
i was seeing this guy a while ago very athletic,health nut ,gymn rat .one would think the guy would have some stamina.for the months we spend together ,once a day was enough for him ???!!!!!!!!!!!!!thats abnormal for me.i did the talking even asked him if he is not attracted to me that much to leave it at that.i noticed he got offended and left it at that.its really frustrating.he wont change.im afraid im gonna have to do the unspeakable and get my needs fullfilled somewhere else.
Comment by Mr Laurelton Queens on 28 January 2010:
Oh boy (rolling eyes at Belle)
Maybe if you put on sexy outfits instead of them damn sweat pants with soup stains on them. He would spank you more.
Women kill me with this crap. I have been in a relationship roughly 4 years. She use to dress sexy and get her hair done. Now she goes to bed in old sweats and a scarf on her head. She also says ” we don’t have sex much anymore”. I told her “we use to about 50 pounds ago when you was 140 pounds”. How dare you say we “don’t have sex much”.
I said “YOUR ass is not having sex”. That’s all I said. I am not cheating but she needs to figure out that statement.
The problem is you women get comfortable in your relationship and think sleeping naked with your saggy belly and boobs just turns us on “right away”.
Learn something from strippers. Men are visual.
Shit, I rather go to the gym and play basketball too. Then watch you in a scarf and old slippers complaining.
Comment by fkoi on 16 February 2010:
I’m not just a piece of meat you know. LOL
I haven’t really noticed that I am turning down sex more now than I was in my 20s, say. I may not be pursuing it quite as avidly as I did then but I’m not too busy or at all hooked on porn.