“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridaysâ€?… Anonymous 
That is what marriage is all about for some. There I so much loneliness in marriage. You are together and yet so alone. It’s kind of like sleeping with the enemy. If your spouse was drowning and you had to choose, would you go to a movie or go to their rescue?
I happened to ask a few of my boys that question and got some shocking answers. A colleague said, “I would get a loan and go to Hawaii on holiday.” And with that, he stressed his point, “NO JOKE!â€? Another one said he would drink himself crazy… not sure if it’s in celebration or sorrow. I think you can figure that one out.
If someone can say this about the same person they were once crazy about… the one they couldn’t live a day without… what does this reflect?
Someone said if you want to know the true meaning of marriage, ask someone who has been married over 25 years. Well I decided to embark on a small journey of truth and I discovered what I would like to call ‘lonely married hearts’. That’s what most couples are. And most would take a little more time at the show, to make sure their spouse is dead… never to return; then go for that movie or the beer binge.
One of the people I interviewed said, their passion died slowly and sex has become impossible… eventually are just housemates that share a house or room if lucky… same way you share one with a stranger you dislike during some seminar… only in the case of a seminar, you at least get to exchange notes. “And don’t even get me started on the show we put up with when visitors are around.�
A dude who has been married for 32 years revealed to me that they have been having marital problems for the last 29 years. Only the first 3 were good. It all began her wife found her talking to his ex at the bus stop one evening. And ever since that day, whenever they have an argument, reference to ‘that prostitute’ usually surfaces.
Asked what he would do if she threatened to leave him, he smiled coyly then said “I would not even wait to ascertain whether she was joking or not. I would go to the movers, hire them with pleasure, and even tell them to carry whatever she needs; GLADLY!!! With all our children gone, there is nothing we have in common… not even the room. And she doesn’t even give me enough food.�
So what makes such couples live with such loneliness for so long? Does this partly explain why there are so many women in church than men; and so many men in the pubs and other watering holes?
A pal of mine – married for only 5 years – said to me, “James, when I go home drunk, I just go home to sleep. Whatever my wife says don’t bother me coz truth is, I hardly follow.� His wife is treasurer of the church choir. And the only time he spends home is when the wife is in church, when he is drunk, or when nursing some crazy hangover.
Kinda sounds like a warning: ‘If you are scared of being lonely, DO NOT MARRY’ But when you visit the married for a few days, they all seem so happy… its hard to tell. Only those who belong there seem to know what they sit on.
So does this mean that the happily married ones have won some Oscar Awards? Does this mean that a couple’s bliss ends with the wedding; and honeymoon for the lucky ones?
If this is true, and people decided to get out of their marriages once trouble checks in, then there would be no married people left standing together.
Tags: lonely in marriage, cross-cultural dating, multicultural dating
Popularity: 2% [?]
Comment by hiimsteph on 22 July 2007:
wow This article is so very depressing, I might be getting married in a few years, this is not something I’d want to come across. I just want to be a good wife this might be true for a lot of couples, I hope im not one of them.
Comment by blovencurious on 14 August 2007:
This blog is really telling the truth. It is a sad reality but this is how it is. Inevitably, it takes two to make a relationship but it is normally one person who love or sacrifec for that other person and this is when the beginning of draining and pulling that person so much that there is nothing left but a plea to get out of the relationship.