July 15th, 2009

Are Black women more likely to be single?

Posted by James

Statistics show that compared with white women, black women are twice as likely to be single.

Have you met this woman? She has a good job, works hard, earns a good salary. She went to college, got her master’s degree; she is intelligent. She is personable, articulate, well read, interested in everybody and everything. Yet, she’s single… Black folks look up to her, and white folks know she is a force to be reckoned with. Yet … the men leave her alone… They [black women] have so much; what is it they lack Why is it they may be able to hook a man but can’t hold him?

- A public school administrator with the District of Columbia expresses the frustration and disappointment shared by many black women in the book What’s Love Got to Do With It?: Understanding and Healing the Rift Between Black Men and Women.

National stats show that 42% of black women have never been married, compared to 21% of white women. Yes, it’s twice as much. But does this mean Black women are doomed to be single?

People have thrown around so many reasons in a bid to explain the above stats. The most sighted are: lack of good single black men; the black woman is too independent to need a man to take care of her; undercover gay black men; the list is endless… But does this really explain the above statistics? The above reasons only explain why black women don’t get married to black men.

While reflecting, this public administrator decides not to ask the question ‘What’s wrong with Black men’, but ‘What’s wrong with her and other black women’. She discovered that “the skills that make one successful in the church, community or workplace are not the skills that make one successful in a relationship… sometimes an achieving woman will place her boyfriend so low on her list of priorities that his interest wanes… she’s seldom “there” for him, for the preliminaries that might develop a commitment to a woman.” This administrator places the black women’s dating challenges on black women themselves.

In trying to explain why most black women are single, in our reasoning, we tend to forget all about interracial marriage. For once, let’s think outside the box. Do you believe black women are the least likely group to get married in the U.S.? Do you think the administrator is right – blaming the black woman for her being single?

Tags: interracial relationships, black white dating, online dating

Popularity: 26% [?]

There Are 252 Responses So Far. »

Wow this is popular topic! To ensure the page loads in a reasonable amount of time, we are only showing the most recent 200 of 252 comments

Comment by bigeyes31 on 21 July 2009:

MsZ17

Ray Ray and Boo Boo, LOL, LOL

funny!
Comment by MsZ17 on 21 July 2009:

bigeyes31, you KNOW it’s true! I don’t get it, I really don’t. What is “race loyalty” anyway? You may find happiness with an Eskimo, for all you know but you won’t if you keep a closed mind.

I have a white male co-worker who once told me he sees lots of black women he’d love to date but they’re not “approachable”. I asked what that meant. He said, “Oh, they’re not open and friendly like you. Their body language lets me know because I’m white, they’re suspicious of me. I just want a NICE black lady but I can’t break through!”

Now, that’s sad but true, a lot of times. Some black women ARE suspicious of white males thinking they’re only interested in sex. And, some are but if you are a lady, you weed thier asses out like you would one that was black looking for a “booty call”! (Unless, of course, you wanna be a booty call). lol

I had a stupid friend who was way old enough to know better talking about how she was attracted to “bad boys”. See, it’s that kind of ish that will keep some of us home alone for a long time!
Comment by MsZ17 on 21 July 2009:

BTW, some of these damned topics are WHACK!
Comment by bigeyes31 on 22 July 2009:

MsZ17

You better preach!LOL. Thanks for sharing the story about your coworker. Because he is a white man attracted to black women he can hold up that mirror and let those us who are open-minded and maybe not so much, what we need to change. It’s no different than us grilling black men on what they want from us. We as black women have to learn to change the channel when something is not working for us!We have been taught to be strong and hang on to the point of our own detriment.You speak the truth.

Yes, these topics are whack! If some of the blog topics were more positive, we would probably have more men of other races joining in.

Peace
Comment by jai44 on 22 July 2009:

Reading all of these comments most have a good point but one thing s missing. Black women through history havehad to be strong. Raising families alone, bring the sole provider andstruggling on her own has made her strong and independent. These are bonuses in any relationship. Love her and she’ll love you back. Man-up and she’ll respect you love her and she’ll love you back. Be honest and stop running games and you’ll find yourself in a loving relationship
Comment by Storm on 22 July 2009:

I didn’t get to read all of the comments, but I got a good handle of many of your thoughts, and I have a conclusive analogy:

What better way for the black race to become extinct than: To spend centuries demoralizing, and tearing-down the strongest element of it (The Man), until he’s reduced to the point that he’s seen as not even being ‘Good Enough’ in the eyes of his own woman.

Consequently, the ‘FEW’ black men that ARE seen as being ‘Good Enough’ can enjoy being almost worshipped by the droves of women that wants him.
Comment by Storm on 22 July 2009:

I also believe that many black men that go the route of interracial, chose that route because many times non-black women that wants a black man, have value for who he is as a man…. a Black man.

Generally, ‘Sisters’ that are attractive don’t consider a black man to be much at all, unless he’s able to broadcast to people what he’s got, and what he can do on a grand level.
Comment by looking4life on 22 July 2009:

ms z, djstime and big eyes
i really enjoyed reading your postings it isnt necessarily a negative topic because i love black women and i am learning a little bit about how to deal with them from a slightly different direction.
so this is a helpful topic and the the three of you have changed the direction of the topic from the initial whining and dick measuring that it started out as. so thanks very much to the three of you.
MSZ AND BIG EYES i would really like the opportunity to talk sometime
Comment by Zenergetic on 22 July 2009:

I’m doing my best to make sure black women are fulfilled within their relationships… but unless a wave of polygamy sweeps over the nation, I can only deal with it one woman at a time.
Comment by Maidinheaven on 22 July 2009:

Many Black Women are single because they just refuse to lower their standards and accept just anything to have a man. Marriage is a very serious bond. I’d rather spend a thousand lifetimes single than one year with a man who could not appreciate me and all that I have to offer. If you are intimidated by me or any other successful Black woman, you probably do well to be intimidated. You simply recognize the powerful force of God and nature that you are attempting to interact with and realize that you may have to step up your game. In some cases, the woman loses her identity, feminity and personality and becomes her degree or her Mercedez Bens, but more often she just wants someone who handle her power.

I am single because I refuse to take advantage of someone that I just simply do not want as a mate.

Honestly, the only person I have seen that I can say those wedding vows to right now are ME. I know me. I will be faithful to me, love, honor and cherish me, in sickness or in health… I know exactly what I want and if He’s not it, I just don’t even waste my breath. Yes, I have a list of things that I want in a man and a mate and I will not settle. I am a very good woman with lots to offer and give. But I am not at all desperate to have just anything or waste my time, talents and love on just anything.
Comment by bigeyes31 on 22 July 2009:

jai44

Yes black women get penalized for being strong and having a backbone. I don’t mean angry now. That’s not what I’m talking about. If you stand up for yourself then you’re undesirable. No one takes any of those things that you mentioned into account when viewing black women. No one remembers what we have to shoulder. But you know what I wouldn’t change for anyone. My strength and perserverance is a part of my character. I wasn’t meant to be mousy and I will never be.If I deal with any man regardless of color hen will have LOVE that about me or he doesn’t love Me.
Comment by bigeyes31 on 22 July 2009:

jai44

I forgot to say you hit it on the head perfectly. Bravo!
Comment by bigeyes31 on 22 July 2009:

looking4life
Nice to have you here.I am so glad that you are learning. Learning creates understanding. Thank you so much for the compliments. Again, good to have you here. I hope you will remain.

Peace
Comment by bigeyes31 on 22 July 2009:

Storm

I have to disagree with you. I personally don’t want the flashy black man. I prefer the “nerdy” type. I don’t want a guy that droves of women want. I become unattracted to him immediately. I prefer Clark Kent not Jay Z. I would prefer the unassuming brother that others over look. I consider myself to be attractive and successful and generally a good person so I’m at least one who proves your opinion wrong. I do appreciate your presence here and respect your view though.

Peace
Comment by AriesT on 23 July 2009:

*sigh* Reading through this blog, I sense so much anger, disappointment, and most of all… STEREOTYPES!!! (Which I hate.) The whole idea of successful black women “looking down” on black men or not thinking they’re good enough is B.S. I’m 27 years old, make $80000 a year by myself, and own my own home. Do I have a problem dating a black man who makes less than me? Nope. And YES, I just started seeing a black man who makes less than I do, but treats me very well. So not ALL black women have this idea of “Oh, if he makes less than me, I’m settling.” Actually, I think our history has shown that while there is a large percentage of wealthy, successful black men that go outside of their race, their is a higher percentage of successful black women who try to stay within their race, which I personally think is a mistake. (Chris Rock went on record and TOLD black women, “Hey, black men have been steppin’ out on y’all for a long time, give some of these white boys a chance!”) I’ve dated white guys before, and have only received negative feedback from black men… even my own brother. It’s always, “You got it goin’ on… smart, attractive, good head on ur shoulders, makin’ good money… why don’t you try to find a good brother out there?” What’s always implied is that I’m choosing a white guy because he has money and the black guy doesn’t. Like I’m being guilted into staying “loyal” to black men. Why do I have to? Why do I have to feel guilty about being successful and happening to date a white, Asian, or Mexican guy if I want? And I think THAT’S the tone I’m picking up from a lot of the sistas like Rheah59. It’s not so much about “settling” as it is about finding someone that complements you as a person, especially if you are a successful person. So what if they’re not black? Gosh, the black men on this board seem to be so defensive! What I suspect is that black men and women have been defensive about this issue for years. Maybe we all need to just chill and date whoever the hell makes you happy.
Comment by MsZ17 on 23 July 2009:

I have to say this, too: some black men on here talk about a black woman “grilling” them on where they work, how much money they make, how much education they have, etc. like that’s an “off limits” conversation. Look, any person worth anything is going to want to know how you make your livlihood before they get entangled with you. Um, if you don’t work, are not retired or on disability, how are you getting money? No woman who’s being responsible wants a thug or scrub!

Besides, talking about one’s job is usually something men like (unless they ain’t got one!). Men are more defined by their work than women, generally speaking. So, it’s not necessarily a bad thing to discuss this topic. Now, I’m not saying ask a man to produce one of his pay stubs! lol As long as he is gainfully employed and meeting his financial responsibilities, that’s all that matters. Or, of course, he’s retired.

I mean, let’s be real. If you are a man who’s worked hard all your life, has a home, nice car, etc., you would NOT want a woman on welfare, sitting on her behind all day doing nothing! If you make 80 to 100k a year, I can’t believe that you’d want to date a waitress, either. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a waitress, please believe me. But, men don’t usually tend to lower their standards as much as women do when it ocmes to this sort of thing. Women NEED to, but they don’t always.

So, I can’t really understand why this would be offensive to anyone. MsZ’s 2 cents.
Comment by MsZ17 on 23 July 2009:

“Generally, ‘Sisters’ that are attractive don’t consider a black man to be much at all, unless he’s able to broadcast to people what he’s got, and what he can do on a grand level.”

Storm, I don’t know what type of “sisters” you hookin’ up with. They sound like “ShaNayNay” to me. I mean, that’s just NO class at all. You need to hook up with a better class of woman. Any woman, black, white or otherwise, who would be that superficial shouldn’t be given the time of day.

Let’s talk about SOME black men “broadcasting” about what they have: you all (and you know who you are), need to stop rolling up and down the street in your Escalades, Range Rovers and Suburbans, with HUGE, expensive rims, blasting your car stereo with the bass so high all you hear is “boom, boom, boom”, while living with your Mama or GrandMama! Showing off, trying to attract your next Baby Mama. Or worse yet, rolling around in a “hoopty” with expensive rims. News Flash: Just because you put expensive rims on a clunker does NOT increase it’s appeal or value!

Now, I’m being facetious, but not really because this truly describes SOME black men. So, the pendulum swings both ways.
Comment by Storm on 23 July 2009:

To: Bigeyes31 & MsZ17

I think where we are going wrong here is, we’re are black men, and women, trying to agree. There are some perspectives that each of us can’t speak from an experiential stand-point because we can’t LIVE through what the other gender experiences.

I can’t tell either of you that your opinion is flat-out wrong, because I can’t live inside of your skin and be you. But I can tell you what it’s like to be a black man in Los Angeles, that has a good heart, knows how to treat a woman like a queen, makes in the mid 50 thousand bracket, doesn’t bring stupid drama with me, and it’s still hard to find a quality sister that’s interested, because no matter what I AM able to do, more attention is always given to what I’m NOT able to do.

Case in point: “$55,000 is okay, but why can’t you make $75,000 like me” ?

Or better yet: I supported my (black) ex-wife through school while she pursued her Master’s, and ultimately became a school psychologist, and soon after, she turned on me like a snake, and started calling me ‘Nothin’ because I didn’t pursue a Master’s like her.
Comment by Storm on 23 July 2009:

I think it’s a universal shame of how black people in America are looked at……….. even by each other.

There are a lot of black men out there that fit the description of being a ‘Stupid Nigger’ (and I’m sure we all know a few of them), but even the black men that are the total opposite of that, are all too often considered to be that by EVERY cross-section of society.

And like-wise while there are a lot of ‘Sisters’ out there that fit the description of being a ‘Stupid Bitch’ or a ‘Hoe’, it’s equally unfortunate that the beautiful, brilliant, loving, innovative black woman gets mis-labeled, or is considered to be one of the 2, by envious, jealous, blind or immature people like the ‘Stupid Nigger’ that we talked about in the first paragraph.

I got love for all of you, and I hope you-all find the strength to prevail.

I’m out.
Storm
Comment by Ichibod on 23 July 2009:

I totally agree with you, Storm.

I know you don’t go for or care about the women you described and I know you probably feel sorry for women that end up with losers. Yet many of the comments toward us don’t specifically address them but seem to address us all as the latter.

I believe in many of these discussions, we are not being careful enough to mention that not all women or all men are the way that we are describing. I was always taught that when you write, always read what you wrote back to yourself. Frequently, some people or here don’t see how what they’ve written can be taken offensively to the one’s that don’t fit their descriptions. At times, I read some of my own comments and try to quickly post and addendum before someone else gets a chance to respond. Doesn’t alwasy work that way and a senseless debate starts. That’s why I try to give others who may make the same mistakes the benefit of the doubt before assuming what a person is into or insinuating what a person is about. We’re not perfect people or writers/bloggers.

For instance, when MSZ17 said, “talking about one’s job is usually something men like (unless they ain’t got one!)” I can easily retort with, “My job sucks, but it pays the bills. Not worth talking about, but my money is legal.”
OR:
“But, men don’t usually tend to lower their standards as much as women do when it ocmes to this sort of thing.” I would think, “Well, how low is a man’s standards to date a hoodrat? Some men’s new flames don’t look better than the last unless they’re rich because they learned their lesson on what’s more important in a relationship.”

She may not have been implying that all men are like this, but how can you really tell? We tend to speak this way and get upset when others do the same because we can only speak from our own experiences. Many snide remarks that we make in our comments are that of judging another’s experiences. That’s not good.

I read your comment and knew exactly where you were coming from. However, I knew what was to come right after your comment; Women who don’t fit your description who know what you’re are talking about but choose to take what you said personal. Especially when we know that none of the men and women that we often refer to don’t have the intelligence to blog and probably aren’t even members of this site. So if we are expecting any of our words to have some sort of impact or make some sort of difference, how’s that going happen when the ones who are supposed to hear them aren’t even here?

Not to mention, it’s already been discussed plenty of times how other races don’t make negative comments about their race’s opposite gender on here, so why do we keep doing it? That’s why there is a topic “Black Men, Black Women, Best Frenemies”. Because it’s getting old.
Comment by MsZ17 on 23 July 2009:

Storm:

Let me start by saying that I am not one of those people who get on here and intentionally disrespect others. I was attempting to make a light-hearted statement off of what you’d said. I do think you are also wrong to stereotype all attractive black women the way you did. This “black man in LA” thing is also off to me. I live in LA County and know some very successful, on the ball black men who date all kinds of women. I am not in total disagreement with some of what you said because it does apply to a “certain type of black woman”.

You have lived your life experiences and so have I. I have been rejected by black men because my skin was too dark and features too broad. However, I have been well treated and loved by non-black men. Do I hate all black men? No. I have some very good, platonic black male friends that we confide in each other like brother and sister. I don’t date black men seriously, becasue they don’t ask me out and that’s the God’s truth! I ain’t sweatin’ it and I ain’t mad at them. Life goes on and so does MsZ.

I didn’t wake up one day and say: “That’s it! I’m never going to date black men again!”, like some of the black men on here have implied about black women. Each person is different and SOMETIMES, you just have to look at the personal choices you make.

I will tell you something, though: No matter what color your choice of mate is, you will have to deal with them as a person! This includes all their baggage, misconceived perceptions, hang ups, let downs, addictions, the whole nine yeards! Dating or marrying someone white is not an antitdote for what ails you. I am so sorry and sad that some on here think like that! I’ve dated some real bummers, black AND white. lol But, that’s people and most don’t come trouble-free.

So, I was NOT attacking you. I am a mature woman and I see nothing productive at all about that sort of behvior.
Comment by MsZ17 on 23 July 2009:

Mr. Ich said:

“She may not have been implying that all men are like this, but how can you really tell? We tend to speak this way and get upset when others do the same because we can only speak from our own experiences. Many snide remarks that we make in our comments are that of judging another’s experiences. That’s not good”

I was NOT implying ALL black men and I said so. I really don’t have to imply anything. I think I’ve been pretty straight forward in my posts on here. I said SOME (re-read my post carefully) because, unlike some on here, I do not believe in stereotyping an entire race/group/gender/community of people. Haven’t we learned thru racism that that’s a no-no?

Lastly: I’ll bet these whites on here REALLY feel special knowing we black people are arguing and disrespecting each other over them! Sheesh.
Comment by Ichibod on 23 July 2009:

I totally agree with you there. That’s why when the black folks start, they leave. It’s the dreaded “there goes the neighborhood” that we have every opportunity and responsibility to stop. If you look back at the history of literature and movies in this country and how we were portrayed, they created our stigmas for their entertainment and peace of mind, and so many of us continue to blindly follow them ’til this day. Even get rich of them. Take care, ma’am!
Comment by bigeyes31 on 23 July 2009:

Storm

I also want to say that my post was not an attack but a kind of example that there are black women who think just the opposite of what you described. I know you know this and was only giving an example of your experiences. It was my way of giving you a little reminder not to focus on “those” women.

I also have to say that you are not the only one with experiences. I have been rejected by black men who did not consider me one of the “attractive” sisters that you spoke of. You see, similar to what Ms Z has experienced, my features are too “black” or my face is too wide, my nose too broad and hey the lips too full. I look too African.I’m intelligent enough to KNOW that this is not ALL BLACK MEN. I feel that I’m a beautiful and a good person. I know there are still going to be black men and other races of men who are not going to choose me because of this.I’m not attacking I’m simply saying that I have had experiences on the flip side of the coin that were designed to make me feel inadequate. I have NOT allowed it to change my love, respect, admiration for myself, black men, or other races of men. I am disappointed that someone who claims they want to be with you would turn around and try to make you feel inadequate because they have achieved something that you have not. That’s pure arrogance,ignorance and essentially a character flaw.

Stay Up!
Peace
Comment by MsZ17 on 23 July 2009:

bigeyes, you are correct, also. I mean, there are non-white men that wouldn’t want to date me and I sure wouldn’t want to date them. Just because I’m single now doesn’t mean I accept just anybody who comes along!

This one white guy I met some time back really wanted to get tight with me and I just refused because this creep told me he was aethist! Now, I’m no angel but if you don’t believe there’s something bigger than YOU, MsZ got a problem with you! To me, those kinds of people are also scary.

So, MsZ put him in the “REJECT” file and when I told him I thought we shouldn’t carry this any further, guess what he said? “Who do you think YOU are? You won’t find anybody BETTER than me!”

I can’t even tell you all the awful, hysterical, un-Chrisitian, inflammatory, disgusting things I said to him! lol Naw, until I die I’m going to pick my own company.
Comment by MsZ17 on 23 July 2009:

Excuse me, but I meant to say there are non-black men that wouldn’t want to date me.
Comment by bigeyes31 on 23 July 2009:

Ms Z and Storm

I would like to share what happened to me just last night. I received a flirt from a caucasian guy on this site. He met the general qualities as much as I could tell from his profile. Keep in mind that I have just “unhidden” my profile because my interest had become the blogging.We exchanged IM info and began a chat. While engaging in normal chit-chat,he asked what I was doing. I told him I was watching CNN’s BLACK IN AMERICA with Soledad O’Brien. His response to me was “you sound pro black and probably shouldn’t be dating interracially”! I couldn’t believe it! I asked him why, because I’m interested in my own culture? Needless to say, I quickly ended the session. Is that what it means to white men if you are interested in them and still care about your culture?LOL I know this is slightly off topic but I wanted to share it because it ties in with what Ms Z said. You are still going to have to deal with a person’s baggage,issues, generally funky(lol) attitude regardless of race. Black, white, puerto rican,everbody just a freakin(as said by Prince,the artist…LOL).

BTW I think I might go back into hiding! LOL

Peace
Comment by bigeyes31 on 23 July 2009:

Ms Z I agree! I dropped one guy who I was clicking with from Germany(European men are more attracted to us than American men;I’m talking scandinavian European) I mean a serious connection until he told me that God , Jesus and religion was a myth! Honey, don’t you know I had to go!LOL That frightens me too!

peace
Comment by MsZ17 on 23 July 2009:

Your German friend, what was he smokin’? lol He must have read Nitzsche - you know the old, “God is dead” crap. Then God says, “Nitzsche’s dead”. lol You really gotta be careful. A belief in God is one of the things I won’t compromise on.
Comment by bigeyes31 on 23 July 2009:

LOL! LOL You’re too funny!I don’t compromise on faith!He’s done too much for me!

Peace
Comment by tatted2death on 24 July 2009:

So glad to see so many upbeat, intelligent people in here having a balanced discussion……carry on…LOL.

Peace and Blessings
tatted2death
Comment by Shotgun007 on 25 July 2009:

Black Women will continue to remain single, if we don’t stop putting so many stakes into holding out for Black Men. I seriously think that this is part of the problem.

We here it time and time again, how much black women say “I love the Black Man” and all this and that. The problem with some Black Women is, we put too much stake into finding a “Black” mate, when we should be exploring all other possibilities. More and more white and Latino men are dating black women. Slowly but surely we are witnessing more marriages and committed relationships. That is the positive side that I’m very excited to see.

I’ve read several of the comments on this Blog and others and from what I’m hearing from most black men is for black women to remain accountable in our choices.

So to the black females, I URGE you to START dating interracially. There is NOTHING like it. You will find common ground and happiness with something other than your race; you first have to try it and take it seriously.

Thanks for reading my post.

Shotgun007
Comment by Blazzin88 on 25 July 2009:

Let me say this, the argument or topic itself is ridiculous.

To the Black Men who like to point out all of the negative factors or experiences that they’ve had with Black Women, …save it for someone who wants to hear it. Every race of man has had problems with different races of women. Black men are no exception. They like to court white women with claims that black women want “bling” or “too ghetto” or “don’t take care of themselves” or “too ambitious” or ‘want a thug” or whatever the cliché. I’ve heard it all, I’ve been around the block a few times.

My answer: Stop bad-mouthing black women in general and deal with your past issues and why you chose such a bad mate in the beginning. It has nothing to do with her being black.

I am part Italian, European and White, but rarely have I ever witnessed another white male rip apart another white female in his own race on Blogs. Try unity for once, even if your preference is NOT to date black women, stop bashing them and give the credit they deserve. Black Men have forgotten that black women have reared their children in the absence of a fatherless home. They don’t cherish the fact that black women work selfishly holding down 2 or maybe 3 jobs to keep the family unit in tact. They forget that while a lot of black men are in jail, they are being supported by a black female at home.

To Black Women: PLEASE cross the line to the Italian, Latino, White, Hispanic, Mexican, Australian and everything else excluding Black Men, apparently some don’t appreciate what the “REAL” black women have to offer. They choose to Blog up these sites and waste peoples time by insulting you, while bringing light to their negative experiences and casting shadows on all of the great black women in our country.

I don’t think that Black women are on the short list to ever see a happy marriage; I just think they need to look into a different pool of men!!

Blazzin88
Comment by Rheah59 on 25 July 2009:

AriesT
Yes it is about finding someone that complements you as a person and I know instinctually if and when I find that person; therefore I will not settle for less. If a 47 year old man approaches me and does not have a job, a car or a place to live; he is not complimenting me. He is making me sad.

If he has a negative attitude; he does not compliment me. If he does not believe in God and have some of the same values or moral premises that I have; he does not compliment me. That is what I mean by settling.

Honestly; it takes more than idealism, romance and sex to create a true and lasting relationship. One of the number one statistics for broken marriages is about money. All the love in the world will not pay the rent.

I am 50 not 15. I know the reality of what it takes to make a relationship work from experience past and present. I don’t have a whole heck of a lot of time left on this earth; let alone spending it in a miserable relationship with someone. I’m no longer into experimenting. What I have in a relationship going forward will be of quality or not at all.

My preference in dating is to be on an equal footing. (And before anyone misinterprets this statement)

I do not mean that they have to have a million dollar job etcetera. (Even I don’t have one of those) but at least; have a job.

As always; I reserve my right to choose what I see fit for me.

P.S.
I am not racist and have dated both black and white; this applies to all. So if anyone who is reading this blog and per chance misinterpret any of what I am saying, please consider re-reading or ask.

Peace & Blessings to all.
Comment by Ichibod on 25 July 2009:

Rheah59,

I don’t see how anyone could misinterpret anything you wrote just now. That was marvelous! You look good for 50, by the way. I would never have guessed it.
Comment by julius26 on 25 July 2009:

To blazzin88
Yes your right black people shouldn’t wash their laundry in public, but as white man you should keep out off the black race business. If wasn’t for your race ignorant the black race wouldn’t have half the problems that it has today.We as black men try to explain to people that black men do get treated badly by SOME black women.Not all some, just like black women get treated badly by some black men. I myself went out with a black woman who gleefully told me she would treat a white man better than a black man.That hasn’t stop me from liking my black women but her previous boyfriend said he will never date a black women again.
I belive that quality is in the person not the colour and it would be a better world if everyone dated outside their race. So you urging black women to date outside their race will only mean black men will date your women.
The sad fact of the matter is that some black men and women who think that their are quality are not, and having a good education or job does not mean you are a quality person
Comment by Blazzin88 on 25 July 2009:

I hit send to fast… Excuse the typos/mistakes/double post.

Julius…did you forget that this is an “Interracial” Dating website pal? I refuse to keep out of the “Black Race” business as you put it. More white/European men should speak out about this topic, I just so happened to be one of the few.

My intentions are not to come off overly aggressive and offensive, but watching the insults fly about black women really tend to get under my skin. There are just too many great black women that over-shadow the bad ones from my experience.

And it would appear that some black men just flat out and selectively turn away from the good black women in their communities all to justify dating women of other races (such as white).

You may not believe this but I am aware of the one-sided treatment that Black Men and Black America face and I AGREE WITH YOU on that particular point.

I would think that as a black man, you would be encouraging black women to find happiness in a man regardless of his race.

I was raised by a Black Woman (step-mom) and my dad and I have a tremendous amount of respect for what they have to offer. I don’t cast blame on a specific race/class of women just because I’ve dated a few whack-jobs! My point again… the bashing needs to come to a screeching halt. All it does is sends a negative image of the Black Community to non-blacks. You may not believe that other races are paying attention but they are.

If a black man chooses to date white/other, let it be, but putting down black women in the process is senseless and meaningless. Period.

And So what if white/European women date black men. It seems to be the “In” thing to do these days. And last I checked, I don’t own a race of women and don’t care who white women date. How ridiculous is that.

From MY experience, the white women have been gold diggers and chase professional athletes or producers all day every day and twice on Sunday for money and fame. But you would never hear me bash them for their preferences or better yet 1 or 2 of my past experiences.

Again, Black Females should be valued more, simply put.

To all the Black Women, again try interracial dating and give it a chance. My father would not be the happy man that he is today, had it not been for my Black step mom.

This is my last statement on this subject and I won’t be back to read any ridiculous responses.

Blazzin88
Comment by Blazzin88 on 25 July 2009:

Rheah59, you are absolutely gorgeous by the way!!

Women that exemplify the beauty that YOU posess both inside and out, have no need for this website.

Good Luck to you in your search for a mate, I’m sure he’ll be a lucky man!!

Blazzin88
Comment by Blazzin88 on 25 July 2009:

To Bigeyes31,

Keep encouraging your co-worker/boss to try different sites and a different type of man. I feel honored that I’m finding more and more black women are dating interracially.

If I could have it my way, every black woman in America would be with an Italian/White man. I think it makes for a very sexy attractive power couple. Black women boost confidence in men (might be a secret to some) but it’s true in my book.

Blazzin88
Comment by phatkitty on 25 July 2009:

After reading most of the comments on here, i didnt want to respond, but julius26, you have no right to tell blazzing88 that he cannot comment on “blk race business” it is called freedom of speech. let me quote you “So you urging blk women to date outside their race will only mean blk men will date your women.” Another thing, werent you the one that earlier in the post, advised one of your “brothas” to try dating outside his race. You are a hypocrite. News flash, BLK MEN HAVE BEEN DATING OUTSIDE THEIR RACE AND CULTURE FOREVER.
I guess you, King Julius26, didnt like the fact that a non blk man was urging blk women to look pass yours truly. Am thinking what is good for the goose, is not good for the gander.
Irie
Comment by Shotgun007 on 25 July 2009:

I agree phatkitty.
Comment by Shotgun007 on 25 July 2009:

It is VERY refreshing to see a highly attractive white/european man (Blazzin88) defend insults/attacks on black women. I’m very glad to see that your Black Step Mom has had a profound effect on your sensitivity towards black women.
And most of what you stated is EXACTLY true.

Sometimes people don’t like to be called out. I’m glad to see more white men engaging in interracial relationships, as I’ve stated in other post. More black women should relinquish some of that “Loyalty” to black men and focus more energy on white/euro/asian/latino men otherwise the possibilities will remain limited.

I tell black women EVERY single chance I get to date someone other than black.
And I’ve always known that disagreements from within the black community are echoed and noticed even when we think our dirty laundry isn’t being aired. I agree that other cultures are definitely and always have taken note of all the name calling and disloyalty amongst the black female/black male relationships.

It appears that black men are more prone to tell all and bash more often than black women know especially when comparing us to white women.

Judging by the tone of some of the posts, their preferences don’t appear to be black women anyway.

Blazzin88, you rock!!

Shotgun007
Comment by Ichibod on 25 July 2009:

Julius, help me out here.

I’m trying to find a comment where a black man bad-mouthed a black women on here. I see a lot where black women have bad mouthed black men regarding past experiences and such.

I do understand where you’re coming from. I was thinking the same thing this afternoon when I read that post. I just didn’t want to say anything. We have no lesser love for black women than any other race of women, by no means. However, we end up taking the heat for the ones that do. The ones that do are not on these blogs. If they were, I would have confronted them and I’ve said that before.

To the White Man who pointed out all of the negative factors or experiences that they had with White Women, …save it for someone who wants to hear it. Every race of man has had problems with different races of women. Italian men are no exception.

Someone likes to court black women with claims that white women are gold diggers or chase professional athletes or producers. Never have I ever witnessed a white male rip apart a female in his own race on this blog, until now.

What ever happened to, “Why do you date interracially?” The answer should always be, “Well, why not?” Instead, a race has to be more this or less that; better this, not so much that. I don’t date races. I date women. What experiences I’ve had with previous women stay with those women. This is what I really wish we would all do. If you have to urge someone to date outside of their race, then something is wrong. Either it’s their preference or it’s not. It’s crazy to try to beg someone to like you or to consider liking you.
Comment by MsZ17 on 26 July 2009:

Wow, so the beat goes one! Still sluggin’ it out, uh? I agree that Blazin88 can say whatever he wants on here. Nobody tells Mr. Laurleton Queens what he can or cannot say. He insults black women, calling them names (have you heard: nappy-headed, ashy, broke down, etc.?) and some of the black men say he’s “passionate in his views”! WTF is that?

I keep saying that having a view is one thing but all this HATE and obnoxiousness should be left off these boards! I am telling you that it says a helluva lot more about YOU than about the black women you’re slamming! Anyone carrying around that much hate and ignorance cannot be anyone a decent person of any color would want to be with.

People shouldn’t come on here looking for others to reinforce their hatefull opinions. It’s an interracial dating site and if you don’t believe in interracial dating for EVERYONE on here, why are you on here?

That’s why I believe some of these topics are intentionally inflammatory, esp. when it comes to black women. If some of the black men on here don’t EVER care to date another black woman, that’s their personal choice. But, don’t be angry as soon as some man of another race doesn’t share your hate and disdain for black women.

This is why I keep telling black women to open their minds up to other possibilities! Who cares why someone wants to date interracially? I do it because I want to and I can. Why does anyone need a reason? We’re all adults on here.

Blazin88, keep the faith and express your opinion anytime you damned well please on here! Your opinions are “passionate” and positive towards black women!
Comment by Shotgun007 on 26 July 2009:

Last post for Shotgun007 on this Blog Topic,
You may need to go back and read the previous posts if you don’t see where Black Women on this blog haven’t been insulted and stereotyped Ichibod.

Every man has had an experience whether bad or good with a certain woman. So why be so focused on pointing out all of the negative traits/patterns that black women possess or exemplify and then equate those traits to the reasoning behind black women’s small probability of marriage. This is part of the rationale I would think, is behind Blazzin’s post.

Blazzin88 is right on Target. Black men could care less who black women are dating, so I’m baffled as to why there is opposition against his initial remarks.

Call it “not” bad-mouthing, insulting, and implying negative intra-racial stereotypes or that’s not what some of the previous post’ers meant but the inuendo & undertone is all there.

He made reference to his previous experience with past girlfriends that just so happened to be white, but he also stated that he didn’t bash them when he found out what they were about. Black Men use bad experiences to justify why black women are single. Gimme a break.

Black women NEED and I can NOT express this strongly enough to check out other races of men. There are far too many fish in the sea to dwell on one race of men.

Black Women that may read this post, CONTINUE to seek out other races of men, as stated previously YOUR blessing and compatibility may not come in the form of an African American/black man.

I’m with Blazzin, this is my last post on this subject & won’t be visiting this blog again.

Case Closed.

Shotgun007
Comment by Shotgun007 on 26 July 2009:

THANK YOU MsZ17!!! WELL STATED..Very eloquently put and I mirror your post view.
Comment by hello just wanted to give my 2 cents on 26 July 2009:

blazzin88
i wish more guys would say or be like what you are, i like what you said!!!
Comment by Storm on 26 July 2009:

Sorry you-all. I’ve been away a couple of days. Yall have been pretty busy on here since my last comment, haven’t you?

Since I joined this site to find a woman, and not debate, I’m gonna keep this short.

Ichibod….thank you. I appreciate your wisdom.

BigEyes, thank you too, don’t be down on yourself………… you’re beautiful.

MsZ, Thank you as well…………. I don’t have a deep profound comment for you, but I wish you all the happiness in the world.

I gotta get back to the search because this isn’t ever gonna end….

Peace everybody,
Storm
Comment by Ichibod on 26 July 2009:

I give up, I counted only 7 men posting comments on this article (including myself), and none of their comments bash black women. One man spoke on some experiences, had the decency to specifically note that this was NOT all black women that he dated or all black women, and that it shouldn’t matter what race a woman is all in the same comment, and he still go slammed. It’s like when people see words they don’t like, they just stop reading. More women have negative things to say about black men (men in general) and nothing happens. They’ll even praise attributes about another race of men when those atrributes can be applied to any race of men and they don’t see how this is derogatory. This is very sad. I’m still looking for the comment from a black man explaining why black women are single. FatherTime shared a little history lesson that many women’s comments allude to all the time. The only other person on this blog that offered a reason for why women are single was a women. Again, no photo with that one.

Just a reminder, if a comment doesn’t have a picture, they generally aren’t members of this site and have nothing invested in the success of any of our prospective relationships. Also, If we can stick with the topic. The main problem is that we fail to respect all those who are
Comment by Ichibod on 26 July 2009:

IN THE ROOM AT THE MOMENT. Many people then start mentioning stuff said on other sites, on TV, on the job, or in other topics then release their frustration on people who have no idea what you’re talking about. If they do know what you’re talking about, they wonder why you’re telling it to them. That’s why when I see an argument going a certain direction, I see read what it’s about and suggest the blog article that more closely fits their argument. As I’ve mentioned before, “Black Men, Black Women, Best Frenemies” has the least amount of comments of any article where black women are exchanging words with black men, yet the title suggest where that should go on if any place at all. Now, what sense does that make?

Like I said Julius, I agree with you. And we do have freedom of speech. Klansman are allowed to recruit new members in public. Rappers can degrade women, themselves, and the rest of humanity for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Doesn’t men we should always speak. A man actually choosing sides in a problem which he has no background on or the ability to fix? He can say what he wants, but it’s pointless and actually adds to the problem.

And by the way, of the 7 comments from black men on this article, there were also many clarifications made regarding any misunderstandings from them. Some people just live for drama so they just make it up as they go along. Please, let’s just take our time understanding each other.
Comment by georgeW1000 on 26 July 2009:

Whats up, I’m new to this site.

Not that black women need to be defended or anything, I have to agree with points made in Blazzin88’s post.

To Urbane39, thank you for speaking so candidly and honestly.

If black women are “picky” it’s because they have that right. No one should settle when it comes to marriage or finding a mate. Here’s a point to ponder. Could it be that white women have a higher propensity for marriage because they accept any and every form of a man and black women don’t?

From a white male perspective, white women want to be taken care of and are less vocal to ANY race of men, they are a very “UN-selective” creature.

The comparison of Black Women to White Women, is just plain tiresome. White women are like a carton of eggs to me, they come a dime a dozen (have no clue what they want) but the rarity of black women in the US..is exactly that… a rarity.

What I like about black women: strong sense of “self”, hard working, thick-skinned, sexy & driven, various shades, exude confidence from every angle, knows EXACTLY what they want, aren’t like white girls looking for a professional athlete to marry so they never have to work again). And YES, I said it. White men are very much aware of the mindsets of SOME white women who choose to date interracially.

It’s sad that black men have sometimes referred to black women as gold digging when BW seeks out educated/successful black men.

Here’s a tip. White girls/women may come off as being ditzy and dumb, but will stop at nothing to pick through all the other men to find 1 with MONEY!!!

As far as the subject of this Blog goes, most of my black female friends ARE married, mostly interracially. Everyone has a preference, I just hope that black women look beyond black guys for mates and open up their possibilities.

Black men are Insane, black women are by far the best species of women on this planet (hands down).

But what do I know; I’m just a white guy that needs to stay out of black/race business, right Julius26! (Laughing)

Thanks for listening Folks!!

georgeW1000
Comment by julius26 on 26 July 2009:

Thanks for the kind words ich, i was only trying to point out that just like some black man are not quality not all black woman are quality.
We hear you sisters when you talkabout the poor quality black men out there; and i have certainly taken onboard your complaints and openly talk to my black brothers about them. But why are you not prepared to listen when black men complain about the poor quality black woman out there.
The black men you lose because of your intransigent are the very one you should be trying to keep.
Its seems all to easy to tarnish all black men with the same brush, yes there are black men who fit the stereotype as being lazy, uneducated, unambitious, but there are many who are not.When your a black man in this world you just cant win.I would never slag off about black woman to a white woman, but its seems that some black woman do that about us to white men, so white men get a distorted view about us. As i have stateted before quality is in the person not in the colour so remember one bad apple don’t spoil the whole bunch.
Comment by godiva61 on 26 July 2009:

To: julius26,

Julius, I am going to speak to you from my heart which for me is the only way to speak, it get’s me in trouble most of the time, depending on who I’m talking to, if you know what I mean. I’m not, nor have I ever been a woman who is much for conversation, I’d rather just listen so if and when I do speak to a person it is because there s a stirring in my soul to speak directly to them. One of the thing’s I pray for daily is GOD’S guidance in everythhing that I do, my footsteps, my motives and especially for the word’s that come out of my mouth, so my speaking to you is not of any ill will or judgment of you and I hope that you will understand this and accept it for what it is…

We have all been tarnished, judged, victimized and stereotyped, that’s the history of our people. It’s not just the men, it’s not just the women. You mentioned that the quality of character or the lack of is in both black men and black women. This is true, very true. However, this same sentiment can be said for both genders in EVERY culture of people, not just black women and men. Why do we need to keep verbalizing such comments as if they are just pertaining ONLY to blacks? You also mentioned once before on a different topic that “some black women are hypocrites”. Is it a lie? Absolutely not, but here’s another sentiment that EVERY culture and both genders is capable of being, a hypocrite. Do you think that maybe a small part of the problem is that we have a tendency to talk AT people, instead of talking TO them? I’m not placing this at your doorstep only, because TOO many are guilty of this type of behavior.. Maybe we ALL should be very mindful about what we say to each other and what we say about each other. I’m one of these fools who still believe in the “common courtesy rule” and “the treat people in the manner that you want to be treated”. I hear you and feel your anger, resentment, and frustration when you are being “lumped” into the negative category because of a FEW knuckleheads. Unfortunately this happens on BOTH sides of the fence. The first time that I heard a black man, on this site say “that black women are awful”, and he captialized AWFUL so we could get the point, it made my soul cringe and before I knew it, there were tears in my eyes. I wasn’t so hurt because of myself, but for all the black women that I know and love and especially the black women such as my grandmother. Ich and I have spoke about this before. I wish I had the knowledge, the power and the answer’s to change it but I can’t and I know that it will continue to happen. What I can do and will do until the day they throw dirt in my face, is to be committed to being TOTALLY OPPOSITE of these such people!!!!!!!!!! I think that sometimes we spend way TOO much time on the negative of life and the people who wallow in negative and destructive behavior. I’ll listen if someone want’s or needs to vent, we all been there. Venting is one thing, the constant complaining is draining. My motto is DON’T WHINE, DON’T COMPLAIN AND DON’T MAKE EXCUSES!!!

I don’t know what you want for your life but I’m assuming that you want the very best that life has to offer, and you deserve it but if you focus too much on the thing’s you can’t change, you might be missing the opportuinty of a lifetime. Keep your heart, your thought’s and word’s on the good things in life. I believe if we constantly speak of the negative in our lives, we will get just that. I don’t know if you are a praying man but when you ask Him , you know HE will give you one of three answers, HE will either answer YES, NO or NOT NOW..

love
godiva
Comment by Trovert on 26 July 2009:

Principally, when you blame someone else for the conditions of your life, you are not one to see yourself for who you really are. Responsible. All this mudslinging between male and female is indicative of the emotional wounds people carry and then wonder why nobody want to touch them. When you are poised to disallow intimacy because of a negative past experience or jaded outlook, the results are your responsibility.
God is the same God for you and He is for me. He withholds no good thing. So the worn-out “I can’t find a good man or woman” thing is a symptom of a myopic perspective and someone who has allowed the past to shape the future. Shame on you. Expect good things and good things will come to you. Like my momma (a 63 year old black women) says all the time, “You attract what you are.” Think on that.

cj
Comment by jai44 on 26 July 2009:

Today again i am reading the comments others and thought on the subject. it seems to me that some of youguys are dancing around the issue. I have lived all over the world and never have seen the devision that i see her in the states. The disrepect shown to black women by black men is appalling I don’t want to be sitting in a car listening to a cd calling women bitches and hoes.Show some kind of respect. What is the next generaions being taught. I don’t want to put anyone on blast but you really need tothink about what you are saying. Red, yellow, black, green or white we shouldn’t see color see the person. unfortunately when i see the man in front of me his pants are sagging boxers showing acting like a teenagers that isn’t cute. And again trying to run game. These dayyou have to wonder if the man is the man he says he is or just on the down low. To all the women keep your stndards and don’t lower them for anybody. Because in the end you’ll end up not liking yourself. For the black men check yourself before you decide to put a strong black women down. Stop making excuses for for flaws. Your woman will have your back but you must have a backbone first.
Comment by Ichibod on 26 July 2009:

Trovert,
Nice of you to stay on topic. Good words, my man!

To my beloved sister Godiva,
Nice to see you again!

It’s a shame to see someone denounce people for throwing stereotypes for one group, and then they themselves throw them for another all in the same breath. That makes them no better than the ones they are denouncing. As I mentioned before, we are men and women. All of us are human. If we could only focus on that, we would see a less strife amongst us. Judgement is also a very bad thing to do with one another, becuase we are so quick to do it to others, and so slow to do it to ourselves. However, we are overdrive when judging ourselves in a higher regard than others. That’s why I could never say that a particular race of men or women are such great ‘this’ and more ‘that’ than other races because I would be implicating those that are not. Ofcourse, if I did, you wouldn’t hear anyone in said group complain. Why? Because of pride and selfishness. The slackers can easily get away with someone else’s recognition. It’s like someone cheating off of your paper in school. They pass, not because they did the work, but on your credit. So, when a group receives negative criticsm, the ones in that group who aren’t negative are implicated as well. When we speak of judging, we only tend to associate with talking down to someone. It applies to speaking good of someone also. Even Jesus asked a man, “Why callest thou me good?”, after he refered to Him as Good Master. That’s why judgement is unfair. We as humans lack the ability to properly judge one another because we are all the same and have too difficult of a time judging ourselves. None of us are perfect.

About 2000 years ago, we were all offered a chance to be saved from having to always feel like a victim. Let’s show some accountability for our words and actions.
Comment by fire321 on 26 July 2009:

Ichibod, I agree. It’s all too easy to blame someone or something for the bad that happens in our lives. It’s time to be accountable for self. Once you can fix what’s broken with yourself, there won’t be a need to blame other or situations. It’s time to look within instead of without. Believe me, looking at yourself and saying “I’m jacked up in some ways”, is a bitter pill to swallow but is necessary for personal growth.
Comment by fire321 on 26 July 2009:

Oh, one more thing…

If half of us were as great as we would like to believe, why are there so many of us not in quality relationships?….hmmm, just a thought.
Comment by georgeW1000 on 26 July 2009:

Good Points fire321:

Good points you brought up. I would also submit that these websites are exactly that, only a vessel/option to finding a mate.

Quality of relationships isn’t determined by race but defined by individual feelings/emotions for each other. And only the healthy relationships and committment to one another will survive.

georgeW1000- OUT!
Comment by meisha81 on 26 July 2009:

What a excellent dialog everyone is having about this particular subject. There were a lot of thought provoking comments made! I do agree that we should stop tearing each other down & try to build each other up.

Peace! :0)

Meisha
Comment by 11017mo on 27 July 2009:

why can’t we just get along. We all have so many races in are family’s so just pick a good person. we all have wounds, So stop looking back so that you can see what’s ahead for you. Remember there is weak and strong points in all colors of people,just pick what you need there is no right or wrong just what your heart wants and needs. I’ve read comments from all sides just live life and love who you are and someone come. from and cool black and mixed with a loving heart. RELAX. P.S black women are smart and strong as he–so true lol.Have a great day.
Comment by djstime on 27 July 2009:

WOW I missed a really good exchange…
Blazzin88

My man, although I think Ich, Julius, and others have made accurate responses to you initial post. I just had to say that I find it interesting that you come here to so call defend African American women while at the same time putting your own race down?…sound like a player move…”come on all you lovely black women I will appreciate you”…um no…

The topic is “Are black women more likely to be single”…not “lets bash a black woman” and none of us “Black men” on here have. I speak only from my life experiences as you do yours I’m sure, but to imply that we are bashing black women to make yourself look appreciative is just a player move, and I see through it…and in the same breath you slight the Black men on here that date outside our race. Another good one because let you tell it we have to be getting women that will just accept any old thing…nice…I can’t even go on…got me twisted…
Comment by Shotgun007 on 27 July 2009:

Everyone thanks for your cander and let us not forget that we speak by experiences…..

I don’t think that Blazzin88’s position on this topic is to defend black women.

From what I read,he just offered a different perspective.Maybe “bashing” isn’t the word to use in this topic discussion.

GETTING BACK TO THE TOPIC

ONE of the underlying issues is limitations. Black Women should continue to date in their preferences but at the same time, keep their options open.

Good Luck Everyone…

Shotgun007—-
Comment by Ichibod on 27 July 2009:

Still waiting for someone to say where black men have bashed black women or used them as excuses for dating interracially on this topic. Every exchange on this topic, between a black male and a black female, had been peaceful and understanding until that ONE guy showed up.

That’s why I totally agreed with MsZ17 when she said:
“Lastly: I’ll bet these whites on here REALLY feel special knowing we black people are arguing and disrespecting each other over them! Sheesh.”

Who let the dogs out? Someone call Michael Vick, please!
Comment by loverofjazz on 27 July 2009:

I want to share my life experience on this topic. I was 19 going on 20. He was 30. I am black he was caucasian. I say this in the past tense because he is deceased. Maybe he is still caucasian, I don’t know. But nevertheless, we met while I was working an internship in my high school cafeteria and he was superintendent building a gym at my all black segregated school in 1967 in the deep jim crow south. I would brew coffee for him in the morning. Eventually we started an affair all though he was still married. You can not imagine the grief I went through. He had two kids. I was only 7 yrs older than his eldest. He went for coffee one night and left his wife. (that’s another story). A yr. later he was divorced and we got married. Two yrs later we had a daughter. Five yrs later because of his health, he could not work. Being young I did not bargain for this. But I found a workable plan. I was a high school graduate, he only went to the 8th grade. He was the only one of 5 brothers who served in the military. He came from a family of 10, me from a family of 4 syblings. He wanted 6 kids, I said we’re headed for a divorce. I wanted something more. When he couldn’t hold a job, I compromised. I asked him about being a house husband. He said that suited him. I like to work, I wanted to get my degree, told me he would support me. I don’t do house work, hate it. I can work in the yard. My birthday gifts were a riding lawn mower and a tiller. No pots, pans, skillets, blenders, roses, chocolates for me. That’s work. I can cook trust me, not my favorite thing to do unless I want to. We had our ups and downs. He became a functional alcoholic. Not that when I met him. Smoked like a chimmney.
I had a good job that I could make $100 thou a yr. But he took care of the house, did the repairs, because he was smart, not book smart, but life smart. I never learned so much. Wish I could have learned more. But I was stubborn. He drank for 20 yrs of our marriage, never abusive, but the money was on booze was killing me. Gave him 2 yrs to get his act together, he stopped in 2 weeks. Being a man, he was a forceful figure in our daughters life. He set rules and she abided by them. I was working 50 + hrs a week and attending school in the afternoon. Took me 20 yrs to get my degree, but I got it because of his support. He never felt neglected, because he knew if I succeded, we all succeded. His sucess depended on me and mine on him. I wanted him to go back to school, he did not want to and I never pressured him. He was comfortable. I made sure I invested money in stocks and bonds. Because of his health, I knew I would outlive him just based on statistics. I wanted to make sure I was secure. Not spend every penny. I did good. He died in Jan 2003 and I retired in Oct 2003. Yes he did cheat on me. I forgave but never forgot. He didn’t do it again. He was the most dedicated man in my life. His survival was dependent on me. He knew it. He always respected me. I had the last word, because I took the last word. I’m the one that moved the mountain. We purchased a home with 12 acres shorthly before he died. Who was the first to grab the keys, he was. I was working, he wasn’t but I knew he was proud of me. He loved it here. It nevered mattered to him that I made more money. He had been married to a weak caucasian woman and found a strong, intelligent, can do black woman. However, I’m sure that’s not how he looked at it. He just loved me. His life was better because of me. My point being is I married him during the race riots in the late sixties. I survived relatives, friends and any one else that thought they had a voice. After the daughter moved out and started her family life was getting excellent. He realized 6 kids would have been impossible. Life gives you blind sides. Think of where you want to be 20yrs from now. I’m like Audie Murphy, I’ve been through hell and back. But I am a survivor. Find your own strength. I am 60yrs old and life doesn’t get much better. I did the marriage job, the hardest job you will ever have in your life. I’m single, free, make my own decisions with out having to consult. On the otherhand, sometimes you would like to be the wagon and not the horse. It’s called companionship. I want to talk. I knew at 16yrs old, I would marry outside of my race. (thats another story.).
When you sit across the breakfast table in the morning, you do not see race, you see your spouse, significant other, a friend who has your back and someone you can depend on. Since I’ve been a widow, I get reponses from 20yr old to 85 yrs old. But I like my life as it is. We can have coffee and chat. I am lonley, not desperate. My mom has this saying: you want the apple from the top of the tree, but you overlook the apple at the bottom of the tree. Be careful, very careful. Happiness comes in many different forms and shapes. I don’t want to be your ornamate, I wont you to be my soul mate. Like minds will succeed. Find the person who is grateful that you are in their lives. I hope you have followed this. We were married 35 happily yrs. I wish it could have been longer. Make a decision. Find a person in your life, first of all who makes you laugh. Secondly someone who has goals, thirdly the both of you that can enhance each other, make both of you a better person. We can all learn from each other. Race-does not come into play. Do not be narrow minded. Get out of the box. I was here before any of you.
This is my one and only comment. Loosen up. I hope this has been an inspiration to some and then again, some will not see it for what it is. But this is my story.
Comment by calmheart on 28 July 2009:

Its Time To Come out the Box.

Hi

I am the author of the soon to be release book entitled”The Mythology Of Race”{Its should be available online by thanks giving.Its my hope that the information will be a blessing to the human family.Briefly I will say that the illusion race has caused many real problems.And my beautiful sister of color especially have suffered.Physically,mentally and emotionally,just look at the statistic.In my book I indentify the Inproportionate levels of disease directedly link to this archiac ideology that affects everyone,especially those labeled as black woman.We are spiritual beings having human experiences.Labels called race be it black white or whatever, place s us in boxes.Anyone living in a box will experience limitations,while life outside the box gives us unlimited potential as divine creations of God.Unconditional love,Inspires healing
If anyone is in need of healing I can get you started on a new life of unlimited potential.Much love toward all.
Comment by BigredLady on 29 July 2009:

Wow Rheah59 my thoughts, words and feelings exactly. I will not settle for less just because Im single or settle with a babys father when I want marraige and a home and a husband.Ive worked hard my whole life and became independent because I had too. Im ready to lean a little myself. Its rough sometimes to carry all the weight. I would liek to know someone no matter what color, race, creed whatever has my back. I always want better for myself and just refuse to settle. I think it will come for every one in due time but until then I will love the single life…
Comment by ladye48 on 29 July 2009:

Wow Lover of Jazz what a story I get the point. How nice to have loved eventhough it had it’s ups and downs at least you had the experience.

Listen do your name mean you love Jazz I got a very good collection form Sarah Vaughn, Dizzy, Malcolm Jamal, etc… and it’s for sale vinyl is very valuable these days and these albums are no longer available in stores.

If you are interested or know some one who is shoot me a line.

Peace yall
Comment by ladye48 on 29 July 2009:

Hey Blazzin88 what’s up with you? I like a guy who can appreciate a black woman. I am into dating ohter races and you seem like you can fit into my scheme of things because you show wisdom, love and respect. Your step mom is a heck of a woman. She raised you right sir!
Comment by 85kguy on 29 July 2009:

Every black generation has had to deal with unfair hardships. Its part of being done wrong in the past before you were even born.

The corruption is in the raising and nurturing of black males. After you get one raised and nurtured he has less options from puberty to retirement than any other race or gender in America.

It has been that way for centuries. Take a look at the another major culture and look at the single ads there (S. Africa). You will see black men at the bottom.

It is a matter of privilege and a lack of privilege in S. Africa makes the black man less acceptable there just like it has done in America for centuries.

Martin Luther King, Jr had his daughter ask to take him to “Funtown”, an amusement park in Georgia. Blacks were not allowed to go so he could not take her. She went on to follow in his footsteps and become an important member of the civil rights movement.

If the King daughter could have went to Funtown that day would she have been a part of the civil rights movement? No? It would not have been her problem, like so many people who are included she would not have cared about others.

Slaves, descendents of slaves, and the underprivileged always are good for sex with the privileged. Whether in the “old south” or even more so in ancient Greece and Rome. Watch Rome on HBO or rent it and you will see that clearly.

Turning your back on the corruption in the nurturing and raising of black boys is just going to make the problem worse. Thats the real problem.

Can’t go to Funtown……. too bad. Neither could Martin Luther King, Jr’s daughter. Look at what she did about it.
Comment by 85kguy on 30 July 2009:

Hey Blazzin88 and others. While black women are worried about marriage prospects black men are worried about homelessness. Go to any homeless shelter and it is predominately black men. Yet, the women are talking about hardships and lack of options. Even in the Jefferson’s TV show Helen Willis went to the “Help Center” with Weezie (lol)!!! Not these divas of today. You must judge character.

Hey Blazzin88 do you remember the Titanic? How about that cowardly guy who took to the lifeboat by grabbing somebody elses child to save his own skin.

The black community is a Titanic. It lead the league in all problematic categories. Yet, the black women you date are too good to “woman” the lifeboats. Just like the bad guy in the Titanic movie.

I’ve tutored at the local housing authority and even rented to Section 8 via that housing authority. I man the lifeboats. Don’t ask that diva what she’s doing to make things better for others. Your black trophy flower may just suprisingly sprout legs and walk away.

Glad you had a step mom. She had to turn her back on a lot of folk though just to be your stepmom. Probably some financial security advantages to being your step mom too! You were really nothing more than the baby in the Titanic movie.

This other lady is really whack loverofjazz!! A 20 year old adulterer and proud of it. Wow!

These blacks live in a society that harms them. Some give back to make a better day for the next generation and others don’t. Plain and simple.
Comment by georgeW1001 on 30 July 2009:

Sorry people, I hit send to fast.

Here’s my take.

The color of love holds no bounds and as I stated before “modified” user name of georgeW1000, the quality of a relationship has absolutely nothing to do with race.

And Ladye48, Blazzin’s not the only guy that appreciates a good woman! (smile)….

If we can get past all of the media-instigated-perpetuated stereotypes, I think as a global community..we can start to heal as a culture & embrace differences.

georgeW1001
Comment by jai44 on 30 July 2009:

bigeyes,

Thank-you for the support. Sorry that i haven’t responded sooner but had to work. DJSTIME and CALMHEART are making the best comments. DJSTIME do not cahnge a thing about yourself if someone wants to judge you purely on looks then they are missing the real persson on inside. That is whats wrong with this world now. CALMHEART you are bring some peace to this page. Good luck in the future. For those men who keep judging black women you have problems. More importantly you are missing out on true happiness if it meant to be.
Comment by jai44 on 30 July 2009:

loverofjazz,

Thank you for your story it is inspirational. Your life expirence is something that every women coming behind you could learn a lesson and gain strength and knowledge from.
Comment by jai44 on 30 July 2009:

loverofjazz,

Thank you for your story it is inspirational.
Comment by 85kguy on 30 July 2009:

jai44

In 1967 women made less than men for the same job on the same job, even with more education than the men on that job.

In 1967 women were almost wholly limited to secretary, nurse, or schoolteacher as accepted professions.

In 1967, especially in the uneducated black rural south, black men were drafted to fight in Viet Nam. I am wholly sure none of those black men from the county of your “inspiration” loveofjazz defected to Canada. They all served their country.

In 1967 90 percent of blacks in the jim crow south lived below the poverty level. It was an accomplishment and acceptable just for them to have a high school diploma, much less a college degree.

Now, during all this loverofjazz was breaking social mores (adultery) and religious christian mores and you are inspired by her!!!

A lack of character and judgement of character.
Comment by Ichibod on 30 July 2009:

85kguy,

After I read this, I was trying to guess just how many people were going to applaud it. I just didn’t know what to say. I could only hear the voice of Kat Williams from First Sunday (”I don’t think I would have told that.”)

“I hope this has been an inspiration to some and then again, some will not see it for what it is. But this is my story.”

I saw the story for what it was, but I am not inspired. Some people were, and that’s good for them (I guess). What you said were my exact sentiments when I read this story. At least she did show a litte remorse for being a homewrecker. It’s funny how many comments from women on this site condemn a man for sitting around the house not working (particularly black men) and this story is about a woman letting a man do it with a smile on her face (a white man at that). He cheated on her, he was an alcoholic at her expense, and she claims that he respected her? I’ve heard this many times before from women and they never say it’s respectful of the men they were involved with. I also wondered while reading her memoir, did he take care of his first two children? What type of relationship did she have with them or her children have with them (they would have been brothers and sisters)? She neglected that part of the story. How did she know that his white wife was weak? Did they fight or is it just because she let her husband get taken by another woman? Not a strength to be proud of.

The only thing I can say for her and her story is that she did go through and endured a lot. She made her bed and she had someone to curl up in it with her for 35 years. I’m not speaking ill of the dead. As I’ve said in the past, being a widow is nothing to laugh at. This guy made her happy and that’s his legacy. They found a way to make their marriage work ’til death did they part. That is what I see this story for. Some people see their struggles as random events that just happen to them out of the blue. Others recognize that actions and decisions have consequences. Taking responsibility and holding yourself accountable is what makes a peson strong.

By the way, nice ‘Titanic’ analogy. I would have never thought of that. Brilliant!
Comment by 85kguy on 31 July 2009:

Here’s how you write for the masses (holla!!):

1. You must reach (young men and women) them to teach them.
2. Teen women you better start forcing those young men to read a book or two, before you offer them more than just a look at you.
3. It doesn’t work if women aspire to always wear the pants any more than it does if women try to lead in a formal dance.
4. Women have to win men over to win.
5. Men have to win women over to win.
6. Manage those arms, tummies, and hips, if you want to hang on to your relationships (men and women).
7. The Bible did not document as part of God’s plan for women to suffer through kicks and punches from a man.
Comment by tatted2death on 1 August 2009:

Much thanks and even more LOVE to calmheart….you prove that not every black man on here has to feel attacked simply because a woman has chosen to “live outside the box” (cool term).

And to Ich, dear man…..I have NOT seen any “bashing” of the black woman in THIS blog….but you know as well as I do, it is running rampant on other topic threads. Some of us women (me included, at times…lol) are just a little defensive.

Yet, I always try and read through every post carefully before I respond here. And I continue to see men in here trying to “battle” with women instead of uplifting them. NOT that that is your duty….but it would be NICE. I simply don’t understand some of the one-sided, narrow-minded comments that continue to come from seemingly intelligent men. Homelessness is NOT only a problem for black men…the main reason you might see mostly black men is because they tend to separate the men from the women (who most likely are in there WITH children). I would ask you to take a look at the battered women’s shelters…..but that would be just as one-sided. (Besides, from your last post I see that you are aware of the plague of domestic abuse….thanks) Of course, certain women here are more concerned with marriage prospects…..THIS IS A DATING SITE as well as a blog center.

If there are so-called “divas” in here, maybe they HAVE earned the right to be….no one walks in anyone else’s shoes and therefore has no right to tell them how to live their life. You may have had experiences that have made you the way you are and you probably would not let ANYONE to dispute that, right???? NOT disrespecting anyone here…just trying to give a different POV. I think you better serve yourself (and others, of course…in a GOOD WAY) by reaching the young masses than by trying to tear down ONE woman’s experiences and how it might have inspired another. Just a thought….not trying to perpetuate the battle (as my eyes are continually opened to different ways of thinking here….only trying to share that experience).

Peace and Blessings
tatted2death
Comment by 85kguy on 1 August 2009:

“no one walks in anyone else’s shoes and therefore has no right to tell them how to live their life.”

HOW ABOUT THE BOYS WHO WALK AROUND WITH THEIR PANTS HUNG DOWN SO LOW YOU CAN SEE THEIR BOXERS. THEY DON’T LISTEN. THEY REFUSE TO TAKE A DIRECTION FROM ANYONE BUT THEIR SUBSET WHO IS TAKING THEM INTO TROUBLE AND MORE TROUBLE. THESE BOYS ARE OFFENDED AND FEEL BASHED. THEY REFUSE TO TAKE DIRECTION FROM THEIR COMMUNITY. REFUSE TO TAKE DIRECTION, HMMMM. I WONDER WHERE THEY GET THAT FROM. I AM SURE THAT THE WOMEN HERE AREN’T ALERGIC TO FEEDBACK AND DIRECTION (OR ARE THEY).

“If there are so-called “divas” in here, maybe they HAVE earned the right to be.”

NEGATIVE STATISTICS, BLACKS LEAD IN EVERY CATEGORY. HOW COULD ANYONE EARN THE RIGHT IN SUCH A SITUATION TO BE A DIVA. THEY CAN LOOK JUST AS STUPID AS THOSE BOYS WITH THEIR PANTS HUNG LOW. DON’T THOSE BOYS LOOK STUPID TO YOU? COMPARE!!!!!

MALES ARE VULNERABLE TO STORIES ABOUT HEROIC MEN. WOMEN ARE VULNERABLE TO STORIES ABOUT LOVE OVER EVERYTHING.

DO YOU WANT OTHERS TO TEACH OUR CHILDREN TO BE INSPIRED BY ADULTERERS? I AM SURE THE ANSWER IS NO.

IF YOU CAN’T TAKE DIRECTION FROM YOUR OWN, LIKE THOSE BOY WITH PANTS TOO LOW ATTITUDE. YOU MAY JUST BE LOST AND FOLLOWING THE WRONG ROLE MODELS.

THE ISSUE IS WHY SO MANY BLACK WOMEN ARE WINDING UP SINGLE HERE.

IT IS NOT HOW YOU COMMITTED ADULTERY IN “67″.

Interracial dating has taken hold since the seventies. It is respected and accepted. Even the Jeffersons had nationwide acceptance with half the cast being in an interracial relationship. That was over 30 years ago.

The issue is: WHY BLACK WOMEN ARE WINDING UP NEVER HAVING THE CHANCE TO GET MARRIED.

The objective is to offer something that will help them.

These women have more options than any women of black american heritage in the history of this country.

Why are over half of them going to never get married?

Lets all start over with some direction.
Now, with the subject and objective in mind, please everyone reread these two statements:

1.”no one walks in anyone else’s shoes and therefore has no right to tell them how to live their life.”
2.”If there are so-called “divas” in here, maybe they HAVE earned the right to be.”

These two quotes do not help more black women to get married any more than boys wearing their pants too low helps them to become productive men.
Comment by 85kguy on 1 August 2009:

With All Due Respect,

A. Reaching out ladies for ladies, men for ladies. If you have been married, most of this blog trend is not about you. It is about the obstacles YOUR DAUGHTERS will face more than your past. How do we help them? How do we turn this societal non-marriage to black women discrimination/doing wrong to black women in relationships around to make a better world for the next generation of black women?
With all due respect, our ancestors took on challenges for us, didn’t they?

It is about your black sisters who have NEVER been married in a world where there are more dating options for black women than in any time in American history.

This is about an alarming (present day) statistic. It is from this article’s main topic.

“National stats show that 42% of black women have NEVER been married, compared to 21% of white women. Yes, it’s twice as much. But does this mean Black women are doomed to be single?”

REMEMBER THAT THERE ARE MORE DATING OPTIONS FOR BLACK WOMEN TODAY AND IN THE FUTURE THAN IN ANY TIME IN HISTORY. YET, ALMOST HALF WILL NEVER (AND THE STORY SAYS NEVER) GET MARRIED!!!!!

It seems that marriage is an institution where only men get what they want. Seems that marriage discriminates against women. Maybe it is marriage that is doomed. Sisters seem to be doing the right thing. Getting education, working multiple jobs, raising kids. They seem very strong, these sisters.

Is marriage sexist and discriminatory? Is it only geared toward benefitting males?

These strong women are single because they refuse to participate in an unfair and discriminatory relationship/institution?

Then, these women are not doomed as the blog author JAMES puts it.

Seems these women are looking for respect over 40 years after Aretha sang her signature hit.

When an author uses the word DOOMED in reference to black women, it throws a brother off.

BAD MARRIAGES ARE DOOMED, NOT BLACK WOMEN. The media can put such a spin on things sometimes.
Comment by Ichibod on 1 August 2009:

I hate when people try to defend the content of some music and music videos and fail to realize how they can effect a person’s life, a community, and/or an entire culture. I’m sure when Aretha’s song came out, some women decided to find a way to feel direspected and women who were already getting respect started to demand more. Today you have women that can go to work, school, and make a way to pay for their apartments, houses, cars, and in some case their children. Let a song about independence come out, and those qualities of the are no longer human survival instincts (things you’re supposed to do), they are merely held for bragging rights, and one of the things that will keep a woman single in the long run.

Nice posts, 85kguy, but I just want to run this by you really quick. My friend Tats is not the enemy, here. She was only sharing her point of view and her comment was more directed toward me. Especially the lines you quoted were taken completely out of context. She and I read a lot on here and we’ve begun to know who to take seriously and who to take with a grain of salt. I was reading where pieces of what you had to say were subliminal referenced, but in no way was she trying to defame your character or make light of your overall message. She calls me out at times, like… in her last post. It’s no offense to me. Hope you understand. Keep doing what you do, man. Glad to have you here!
Comment by fkoi on 1 August 2009:

Looking at it from another angle, since better than 50% of marriages in this country end in divorce, then nearly 40% of White women are divorced compared to less 30% of Black women.

Mark Twain wrote, “Figures often beguile me,” he wrote, “particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: ‘There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.’”

So does this mean that 40% of Black women find satisfying lives without a mate? Does it mean that 20% of White women prefer “living in sin”? Are there fewer gay women who identify as White? Are there fewer Black nuns? Are Black women’s standards higher? Do White women settle for any joker who asks?

Is this blog article just, to quote Shakespeare, “…a tale, Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing”?

It seems so.
Comment by Ichibod on 1 August 2009:

Very impressive, fkoi!

Statistics don’t give an account to circumstances. And people who are ashamed of their circumstances will only cling to ideas and notions that place them in higher favor and regard than the negatives in which they belong. I don’t think James (the writer) has a problem. Many commentators do, however. Are black women more likely to be single? The topic, as well as any other topic, is designed to have people discuss such issues as to how, why, and “can’t this be anybody?”, not just his opinion left for us to argue and debate over. If a black women wants to blame a certain group of men or circumstances on the idea that statistics insinuate, so be it. The reasons that you mentioned are indeed very true and probable and factor into statistics just as well as any other, but not many would actually admit to or really take the time to think about or consider those factors. The only thing I find bad about this topic is that, aside from what you just said (which makes any data regarding the reasons for the low marital rate of black women inconclusive) there will be women who won’t be entirely truthful as to why their relationships didn’t work or why they can’t find mates when they want to. A doctor can misdiagnose a serious medical condition if a person is too ashamed to say what their role was in causing or contracting the condition.

Awesome post!
Comment by fire321 on 1 August 2009:

@fkoi

excellent point!
Comment by bigeyes31 on 1 August 2009:

jai44

Hello. Yes please do work(lol). Yes you are very welcomed. I think you see black women for who we are. You concluded about our strength fairly and with the understanding of where we have been, where we are now and where we are going as black women. I think it’s fair to say that when you see someone exhibit an emotion or demonstrate some action, once you understand WHY someone does or says what they do, then it all becomes logical. Sometimes black women are not given that chance to be understood or explain our actions. Thanks to you for understanding!

Peace
Comment by damitch on 1 August 2009:

The Sega continues… I am for any woman that is understanding, outgoing, complete in nature, and SUPPORTIVE. I understand this post and it has thrown me in multiple directions. I am well versed educationally and within my career - at the top of my game; yet, I don’t understand why my sisters have to state that they/she are/is a “Strong Black Woman”! We are the only culture that has to announce what they are. Let our actions, our hearts, and the essence of who we are speak the volumes for a sister. Then “US” black men would not be afraid to say hello to you.

I’m at a point that I never say how much money I may have or what I do because if a person is going to wish to know more about me. They should know me and not my bank account or my accomplishments. Love can be standing right beside you and you would not say hello back because he’s driving this or wearing that. That to me is why I am on this site. So that I can meet someone who is serious about communicating and not judging!
Comment by urlover6 on 1 August 2009:

Wow, some of y’all black men are evil.
Comment by veggie75 on 2 August 2009:

My personal experiences have shown me that women are expected to be more understanding than men–but that’s another topic.

Being an eligible bachelorette myself, I have come to the conclusion that no matter who I marry I can wait for the right man to approach me, court me, and marry me, or I can be impatient and just give myself to the next man who offers me attention.

That being said, I will be proud to work on getting my Master’s Degree next year, and I won’t worry about my biological clock or getting a ring on my left finger either. If I am presenting myself in an appropriate manner and going out into new and different public places then I have done my part in trying to meet men.

Although I am open to finding a help mate, I refuse to allow my marital status to determine my definition of happiness. And that’s all there is it.
Comment by Tammygirl on 2 August 2009:

Response to Djstime:
Are you kidding me? Black women have 2 strikes against them from birth. Being black and female. Black men only have one. Why is it that black boys don’t assist in the raising of their own children? Knowing that bastards only begets bastards. Black boys take responsibility for your actions. Why would I work so hard to get myself to where I’m at only to reach back and bring a brother who can’t even afford a belt to hold up his pants up! Did you reach back and bring a sister along? The reason why most Black women are single is simply because there are far too many black boys and not enough BLACK MEN!!!
Comment by Tammygirl on 2 August 2009:

Blazzin88 Where did you go?
I speak on behalf of all black women when I say… Thankyou! Thankyou! Thankyou!
It’s really sad that a brother from a different race has more appreciation for us than our own…but who am I to speak. Judas broke bread, then kissed and betrayed Jesus but at least in the end Judas had a conscience.
Comment by 85kguy on 2 August 2009:

Maybe so @fkoi,

Seems that all the black women on this blog have been married before. Or at least well over 60 percent.
Comment by fkoi on 2 August 2009:

I just want to see if I can recap the loverofjazz debate. A young woman, a girl really, growing up in the Jim Crow South, falls in love, marries, initiates the the nearly unheard of step of becoming the breadwinner due to her husband’s illness, and when he contracts another ILLNESS, alcoholism (which, as debilitating as that DISEASE is, doesn’t keep him from working to keep the inside of the house up to her standards [at least as difficult a job as working outside the home, especially with a spouse who is working 50+ and going to school] and caring for the major upkeep of the outside), which DISEASE he recovers from, she stands by him throughout, stands up for what she knows is right, makes a helluva go of it and succeeds against amazing odds, in life, in economics, in education and in marriage.

Some people admire her for her courage and strength in the face of adversity.

Others berate the admirers, judge the woman for a mistake (call it a character defect, a sin or falling under the spell of an older man) made when she was 19 (SHE was not a homewrecker. She took no vows and may not even have known the score until after the fact. Guys can be like that. And if the wrecking ball was not already at the door of his crib, it was apparently due at any moment), showing bad judgment and perhaps a weak moment (the papers are not gonna stop the presses for mistakes made by a 19-year old believe me!). These judgments are made with barely a nod to the amazing things she accomplished over the next 40 or so years.

It’s a good thing that it was Jesus who met the woman at the well and not someone who had much less love and much more judgment. That woman might have gotten stoned (and not in the Ray Charles kinda way) instead of forgiven.
Comment by 85kguy on 2 August 2009:

1.LoverofJazz was honest. Otherwise no one would know of the adultery.

3.Issues can only be revisited if you have the ability to discuss and learn from others. Or, at least debate peacefully.

4. You need a reference to another perspective. I choose not to discuss the living.

5. I choose Chica da Silva. A Brazilian slave in similar circumstance to show what was “hot” among young girls in Jim Crow times, to show that there was no innocence.
Comment by 85kguy on 2 August 2009:

As the apartheids of Brazil begin to crack. less and less women find Chica da Silva to be an inspiration just as less and less women here find images of Aunt Jemimah flattering. Chica da Silva is an image of what slave ancestors had to do (not what modern women want to be forced to do).

Women like Chica da Silva of Brazil did not fall in love. They used sex as a weapon “baby.”
Seems that their children were never slaves due to the privilege of her masters statuses over the years.

Study Chica da Silva and compare her to Condoleeza Rice or Michelle Obama.

1. Lover of Jazz was 20 years old and still in high school.
2. She hated housework and was not happy to see pots and pans that needed attention.
3.Yet she was forced to work as an intern at a high school cafeteria.
5. The superintendent only had an eight grade education.
6. LoverofJazz was 40 years younger than her pic.
7. Lots of girls wanted that internship in 1967. Went to our girl Jazz!!!Hmmmmmmm
8. That eight grade super was in the wrong place at the wrong time! She went Chica da Silva on his ass.
“Would you like some coffee”.
Comment by 85kguy on 3 August 2009:

If we are at the Apollo theatre in Harlem and one orator recites the history of Rosa Parks. Another recites the history of Chica da Silva. Both orators stand there to see who is the winner by audience applause.

Who do you think wins?

Lets say I raise a black daughter and you raise a white son. Would you rather I raise by daughter to be like Chica da Silva? Or would you rather I raise my daughter to be like Michelle Obama or Condaleeza Rice?

With so many negative actions taken by black youth in this time and so many in the justice system I am afraid that I am locked into my position.

We all love you dearly Jazz! With some admitting to writing books on this blog I do not know if you are even a real person or a fictional character.

The first black american woman to win an Oscar played a maid in a white household. The first Afro-Brazilian woman to play a leading role in one of their Novelas played the role of Chica da Silva.
Comment by fkoi on 3 August 2009:

Being “locked into my position” is a euphemism for having a closed mind.

If I start out with a theory, support it with “facts” not in evidence, propped up with ancillary and non-germane information and then draw a conclusion based on specious reasoning, I have indeed locked myself into my original position.

An if > then tautology based on a false “if” is false logic.
Comment by 85kguy on 3 August 2009:

Time to give this thread back to the younger!
So they can enjoy their era.
Can we at least agree on that!

James facts have been valid since 2001.
You can talk to him on that in the future.
Comment by djstime on 3 August 2009:

Tammygirl…as I shake my head I can only imagine what some African American guy has done to you…”Black women have 2 strikes against them from birth. Being black and female. Black men only have one. ” all I can say is WOW…

Ok let me see…do you read statics at all?watch the news?…or walk down the street?…I can sum up how good you have it with one acronym…WIC..Women, Infants, and Children…where are men anywhere in there…
That may be a bit extreme but that is just one example of the specialized assistance you have in society just for you…
But again your response to my post (mind you only a portion of it because if you would have read a bit further you would have read this nice little bit” And yes I said breaks…all of this is a vicious cycle that goes way beyond skin color…the bases is education and access…give any person the same tools and access as the next man yes some will take advantage of it but there will always be some that need help and unless we help them they will wind up right where most of them are now…In jail over something ignorant…” or this one…” see there is no Independence in TEAM and that is what a relationship is suppose to be right?…not excusing the African American men for being out of the children’s lives (That’s is a whole other issue) but when they are not there, you as women should not allow your sons to use that as an excuse to be less of a man. Good men come from good mothers just as well as good fathers…and when you surround yourself with good men even if you are not in a relationship you young men will make it…
Please read all of the post before you attack…”Angry Black woman” just kidding…

Djstime…
Comment by joiia on 3 August 2009:

Hello to all, this is to each one of you who will stop to read what I am about to say…People are people. As soon as this world stop looking at the color of ones skin or their skin tones we as a society will be so much better off…Please let’s stop the hate. I started with the woman in the mirror, it would have been just too easy to become another angry woman, hurt, bitter and totally unaccepted of others, Instead I choose to see things in a different light; half full instead of half empty. I have always said and will continue to say: “You miss out on having a productive, full-filling life by seeing color instead of seeing the person” I love life, people and most of all me.. take a chance, meet the person not the skin they are in.
Comment by Tammygirl on 4 August 2009:

Yes Djstime, good men can come from good mothers but what about a happy home? If mom has to work 2 jobs and/or go to school, where does she find time to properly raise a child? And as for your acronym WIC… single fathers get it as well! Speak for your mother or whatever women who raised you. No woman in her right mind would want her son to be less than a man but when a child questions why their father aren’t around, they may also start to question their worth. When a child start to question their self worth and mommy is too busy working and supplementing on daddy’s behalf, the blade cuts both ways. The child may or may not suffer from having an absentee father but will definitely languish from not having his mother around.
What did your mother do to you to make you look down on a black woman? or was it a black woman that broke your heart? What ever the reason, it’s ok.
I noticed on your page that none of your interest are in black women and that makes me a “GRATEFUL BLACK WOMAN”
Comment by djstime on 4 August 2009:

Tammygirl, Well, once again you make a lot of comments that are just plan wrong and negativity just simmering all around you, in fact you seem to be thw one consummed with bitterness…If you read what I said, I have not made one negative comment about African American women…Ans as far as the old addage wht did my mome do to me…actually I was not raised by my mom or dad..I was raised by my grand mother…and when I was a child i resented her for that but by the time I became a man I forgave her for not being there and before she died she was and will forever be my best friend…

Your comment to me and just your simple attitude is are good examples of things that turn me off about women like you…of any color…you attack before you ask…you put down before you lift up…Im cool with any of your comments, because I am completely happy with me and who I am…

For the record I dont look down on African American women or any women I simply like what I like…and as far as my preference…its just that…

Oh and one last little bit of wisdome…working two jobs has nothing to do with how you traching your child to do the right thing and your thinking that a child may or may not languish without his father but defenately will without his mother..I say neither is expendable and cary the absolute same level of importance…again an example of your thinking that has been engraned in women these days…mostly African American women…”Im independant and I dont need no man”…keep that attitude and you will not have one…”GRATEFUL ANGRY BLACK WOMAN”

and are we not on an Interacial Dating site? do I have to get attacked here as well for my preference?…Lovely…

Djstime
Comment by Ichibod on 4 August 2009:

Two parents don’t always make a happy home. My home was happy, with two parents and a older brother, but I was blessed. There are many others that aren’t as fortunate.

The one thing I hate the most is how black men seem to have the worst reputation of not being present in their children’s lives. Why is that? There are numerous reason yet we only get pegged with one. We just like forsaking our responsibilities.

“…but when a child questions why their father aren’t around…”

I wondered this myself and have heard many shocking answers from single mothers, relatives that are sinlge mother, as well as friends and relatives of single mothers. I’ve heard that the fathers at times are kept away from their children by the mothers, some single mothers were married and are now widowed, some are just dead and were never married to the mothers, some men don’t even know that they are fathers, some are incarcerated, some are just stupid, and some were never even trying to be fathers just as the women were never trying to be mothers. So, when a child ask why their father isn’t around, how many mothers will say to their child, “It’s because mommy was a whore” or “you were a mistake”. Even worse, what if the children don’t have the same dad? “It’s because mommy IS a whore. Go play with your Wii and leave mommy alone”. Those most certainly are valid answers in many cases and one that would factor into statistics just as any other reason. The divorce rate in the US is around 50%. Blacks don’t make up the majority of that. (I hate bringing this guy up) I’ve heard people even trying to bash Barack Obama’s dad for not being present. Um, Barack was raisied by his grandparents because his mom chose to leave him and travel the world… to find another baby’s daddy… which she in turn left with her parents to raise. Barack’s dad had to return to his home country. You see, we have to have this dark cloud hovering over us when there is sufficient evidence to clear some of our names or at least give us the benefit of a doubt in several cases? I don’t even have kids, yet I am begged to answer up for absentee fathers. It gets old, especially when this same stuff happens with other races.

Tammygirl, are you a single mother?

What did your father do to you to make you look down on a black man? or was it a black man that broke your heart? What ever the reason, it’s not ok. A person who uses a single character trait or situation (usually stereotypical in nature) as a point of reference to define a group just for the sake of discussion or argument, especially in a forum on a site like this, I find to be a very despicable.
Comment by djstime on 4 August 2009:

Ichibod…no words man…you are a brave true soul and have offered evenhanded objectivity to this subject…Thanks man!…and as accurate as your comments are, I’m sure you will get bum rushed for them…and for what?…not a single line of what you said is a lie…but let’s see who will actually read it and can take that truth…

And you know what, to think of it, Tammygirls attitude is what turns me off, I actually think she is attractive and I would absolutely date her…skin color and look is not all its about, its what’s in your head, heart, and what you choose to allow to come out of your mouth…

Great post…Ich…

Djstime…
Comment by bigeyes31 on 4 August 2009:

I don’t think that black women are more likely to be single more than any other race of women. I think men in general don’t want to be married. Also, there are many people, especially the younger people in their twenties and early thirties who are deciding against marriage. This includes men AND women.

I just choose not to allow statistics to decide what’s going to happen to me or color my outlook. I’m tired of these “doom and gloom”topics ,but I keep coming back because I like the exchanges. We have to be careful not to keep absorbing all these negative numbers and statements,because do it long enough and you become a self-fulfilling prophecy. There is a scripture in the bible that instructs those of us who believe to “guard your heart”. I’m going to trust God, wait on him, believe HIS data. I believe if I do this he will guide me to my mate and my mate to me and I don’t care what color he is.

Peace
Comment by renee24 on 4 August 2009:

i agree with some of bigeyes comments it depends on the women, what she requires out of the man she’s dating,her dating habits and so on and i think some men (depending on the guy)are more willing to be married, not all men are afraid of commitment
Comment by Ichibod on 4 August 2009:

“I think men in general don’t want to be married.”

No, babe, don’t say that. Like Renee says, it depends on the guy. Everything else you said was good, yet you broke my heart with that line. Shame on you!
Comment by Rheah59 on 4 August 2009:

It is sad to see how the relationship between men and women, have deteriorated to such a degree.

Instead of us validating one another’s feelings we are busy justifying excusing or defending ourselves.
There is no need to tear one another down.

Everyone of us has an experience whether we are male, female, black or white and what makes up our experience is our own built by the understanding of where we are within ourselves whether we ar whole or with emotional or physical disturbances in our lives.
Not one of us can live inside of another person’s experience or process experiences in the same way.

We are individuals.

If someone tells me that they were abused by a black mother or mistreated by a black father; hated by a white employer; then all that I can or should say to that is; “Wow or I’m sorry, that’s too bad. How are you doing as a result of this?”

Now what if some of these scenarios are true and some are not? How would I truly know? Thereby taking what they have told me; my best course of action is to sympathize. It is better to ere on the side of compassion.

I would love to have seen some of your responses come such as this; Tammygirl/djstime, It is unfortunate that you feel this way towards me. That is not the truth in whom or what I am, I would like to clarify a few points and hopefully we can all come away with a better understanding of one another. This is a perfect opportunity to unite our culture and restore what has been broken between our race and the sexes. So without calling one another names, let’s create a dialog that will be affective for future generations to come. Therefore I have heard your opinion of what you think of me but I do not receive it as truth unto myself. Only I know what is in my heart and only I have lived my experience.

As an aside to one and all;

Brother’s and Sister’s we’ve got to start somewhere. Let’s stop tearing one another down and try lifting one another up. Let us validate one another’s experiences and work to salvage what we can for humanities sake.

Until we are able to admit that we have all fallen short— take responsibility and repent (meaning don’t do it again and repair what we can and have done)—than the war will continue to rage.

We can start by leaving out the name calling even in referring to someone in your life story. We should all be mature enough to take the high road.

A child asking about a missing parent in their life should not have to know that either one of his parents was a whore.

Let’s be kind to one another.

Peace,
Rheah59
Comment by Azrazyel on 4 August 2009:

Rheah59:

Some of the realest words I have seen in here in a long time.

It’s refreshing for a change to see someone come in peace and try to validate the truth or deny what is false. (Only we know what is true and false within ones own mind and heart.)

People can only assume things off of typed words on a computer screen.

You are right, no one in here knows anyone better but themselves.

I personally would like to see everyone come to terms, regardless of race or gender. And treat everyone with respect and dignity just like everyone here wants to be treated that way as well.

As a White man, it is sickening to see Black men and women continually scorning one another. Let’s try and respect one another whilst having a constructive argument without the need of derogatory statements and assumptions.

I seek peace and harmony for all of you, and that one day we will look back and realize all the foolishness we have put one another through.

-May peace be upon you all
Comment by Neferti on 5 August 2009:

I have discovered that most successful, educated black men tend to date and become partnered outside of their race. Sometimes the women, who generally happen to be white or Asian, are less educated and less professionally accomplished. This is now however seen as very socially acceptable and sexually tolerable. White women have given black men permission, and for black men, it subliminally viewed as a “step up” in society.
For black women however, it is not so easy. All that is left in terms of available black men might be the ex-cons, or the undereducated. Most white men are hesitant because what lies for them is, in America, socially the reverse as in the case of black men - pairing with a black woman is a “step down” in society, it is not seen as being sexually compatible, and neither black women, nor black men have “given permission” for this to happen.
Comment by Escalademan on 5 August 2009:

I’ve read a few post on here. I’m a successful black male, with his own property and business. I’ve had nothing but bad luck dating black women over the past 15 years. I’ve dated white women and i’ve had a different experience. I can be friends with a black female, but not have any type of relationship with them. Very sad, but true. The ones I met, I just didn’t get along with them mentally and didn’t have alot in common. I also had other problems.

Then I read the book “The Blackman’s guide to understanding the blackwoman” by Shahrazad Ali (available at amazon). That book opened my mind to all the problems i’ve seen in my relationship and other male friend’s relationships with black women.

One of the problems is many black women don’t know their role in a relationship.

But those other problems we can talk about another time.

After that I decided to stick with, what works.

I’ve gotten over the evil look, black women give, when i’m walking with a good looking white female. I think some men let that bother them, but not me. I smile considering all i’ve been through over the years with black women.
Comment by djstime on 5 August 2009:

Escalademan, The interesting point you make, is that you as well as most of the brothers here, (as far as I can tell) have tried and failed several times with African American women. That failure is and always seems to come back to the fact of who is suppose to play what role in the relationship…it’s like the vicious cycle that I mentioned earlier…the teamwork aspect in the failing African American relationships is all thrown out the window…and as you said why would you continue to go with something that doesn’t work…I wouldn’t…

But… I do have to say that I would be happy and proud with a good/fine woman of any color on my arm…as long as we were both happy and down for each other…

Djstime…
Comment by bigeyes31 on 5 August 2009:

Escalademan

I’m happy that you have found what works for you! I encourage everyone and anyone to find what makes them happy. Perhaps some black women don’t know their role in relationships is because they have had to play so many. They have had to be the father, mother, the friend, wife,activist, watch her weight, make sure she doesn’t have too much attitude, work several jobs, make sure her children are not being bullied or peer-pressure at school and wear high heels , make-up and skinny jeans all while still being told that she is not wanted by any race of man.

I want to find happiness just as you have with what works for me too. I’m hoping to find that in a sexy latin man(lol). I just happen to be attracted to white and hispanic men physically. But I still want a man who will know his role as a man but will fulfill it too, so that I can relax and fulfill mine. I think alot of black men,not ALL of them KNOW their role but don’t fulfill it but still expect to be honored by the woman. It simply doesn’t work that way. Relationships are a two-way street and men AND women both have fallen short.

Peace
Comment by FreeWill on 5 August 2009:

In lieu of pontificating in perpetuity about the answer to this question, I would like to share some simple thoughts and personal experiences.

I was born in the US to Foreign Nationals parents. I have lived in the States for most of my life but was fortunate enough to reside in four different countries during my formative years. My mother was widowed when I was thirteen months old and remarried when a few years later.

From what I have seen every race, culture and person has there own set of individual and shared issues. And after being of age to understand this I inquired about the memories of my father.

My mother was the Crown he wore on his head till the day he died.

My mother’s new husband, long story short was unworthy.

My mother is currently single.

I’ve had wonderfully experiences dating in and outside of my race, culture and social status. And being a man is hard, being a bad man is hard work, being a good man is a commitment to God.

The African American Woman institutionalized the “Independent Mindset” to both greatness and failure. One thing we must not forget is that the African American Man greatly contributed to this pandemic.

The African American Woman works hard, play’s hard, love’s hard and achieves greatness but seldom have I seen one that focuses on the true “Independent Partnership”. And NO!!!, this is not an oxymoron, as when two individuals decide to be join as one according to whatever beliefs you have even if its in absentia.

You don’t have to lower you standards to get a good man, but you do have to use good sense in picking one and make sure the life choices you make can support this.

Incessant indications that you can do everything by yourself are turn off’s and one good turn always deserves another. Because there is nothing that I can’t do for myself but there are times I would rather have my partner do it. Please believe it goes both ways.

Believe it or not, men of all races have standards and if you are looking for good man those standards just went up.

So in closing if you want the answer to this question AND you are a black single woman, you should look inward first then meditate, before you seek advice from others to why you are single.
Comment by Escalademan on 5 August 2009:

As a writer, I see the cycle of relationships have to change in the future. This “B.M.S” I call it in my book, Baby Magnet Syndrome; is when the mother stays attached to the male, because she has children, and the man is able to do whatever he wants, because the female isn’t going anywhere.

Some men take full advantage of this, by striping the female of talking to friends or family and mentally/physically abusing her. These men goto strip clubs, cheat on the female with other women and treat the female anyway they feel and most of the time the female stays, because of the children they have together.

Men knowing they have it good, continue to do what they please and the females suffer for years, because they don’t want to lose the man or they can’t make it on their own.

I see this happening everywhere these days. The females I chatted with over the years online, told me their horror stories. I think women these days should wait until they are in their late 30’s before having children. Divorce rate is 50% within the first 5 years.
Couples usually out grow each other in some way from their 20’s-30’s. A man and women should be together for at least 10 years before deciding on having children, to feel each other out and to see if the other person is going to grow with the other.

Marriage rules need to be updated also, marriages date back to 0 BC or before. There should be something else that is less than marriage, that is similar to what gay people are fighting for, which is called a joint union.

Another thing, I think black men are really suffering these days. We are the first to be laid off last to be hired. But we still have to pay child support. How can we get back on our feet, if child support is taking all of our unemployment insurance? There should be something in the system where child support stops, until the man finds a job. Or something should be worked out.

And you women need to stop living off of child support, and getting your hair done and paying your car payment with the x-husbands child support payments and the children are looking like bums.
Comment by godiva61 on 5 August 2009:

FreeWill,

Thank you so much for sharing a little bit of your life and experiences… Your word’s were very poignant, honest, and well balanced enough so that both men and women can identify with. Too often, you hear more cynical and judmental word’s, rather than uplifting thoughts.

Thanks again, and GOD bless!!!

godiva
Comment by godiva61 on 5 August 2009:

bigeyes31,

Haven’t said “hello” to you in a while, hello and hope all is well with you and your’s. You are so kindhearted, honest and fair. You are very respectful and tactful when making your comments. I like that in a woman!!

It’s ironic that on today,(thinking a lot today about my late husband) you mentioned how a few men are not sure of their “role” as men and how you want to someday be able to sit back and just fulfill your role as the woman. I am in agreement with you sister. I have always believed, and saw as a child growing up in my home and in my village so to speak, MEN being the Head of the Household. Now some women will probably take this as to me being a doormat, or a pushover of some sort, and that’s fine, I’m okay with that as well, but it seems to me that in some part of history, as far as marriages were concerned, especially with black marriages, it really worked, and worked very well and mine was no exception to the rule.. My father was the head of our household, his father before him, and the majority of the neighborhood operated, and thrived under this type of environment. A woman should want and appreciate a strong Man. If he’s srtong, confident, reliable and decent, he is strong, at least in my opinion.

My late husband, was the Head, and I was the SUPPORT, and sometimes in his absence I had to take charge of any given situation. One of the best compliments he ever gave me was, “when I’m not around, I know my home and my beliefs will not be compromised or disrespected”!!! He never walked ahead of me, we walked together side by side… He respected me at all times, even when the few times that he was a little mad at me, especially when I spent too much money one particular Christmas on gift’s. I never had to worry about if the bills were paid, or other women. I knew without any doubt, that he new his ROLE as a husband and a father, he was committed to his responsibilities and his role as Head of the House,no he was not perfect and neither am I!! He was not a WHINER,or COMPLAINER. He didn’t care or focus on how the world viewed him as a black man, he showed the world that their view was somewhat distorted by his actions and especially his WORD’S… It can work but women have to first choose their mates wisely and in my opinion, prayerfully. We, women must let MEN be MEN, even when they mess up. So what if he watches Monday Night Football, or March Madness. If and when he tries to cook a meal and mess it up big time, it’s not the end of the world. Laugh about it, clean the kitchen(my pet peeve) order chinese, and then make passionate love!!

Like you said earlier, the key is the RELATIONSHIP, and that means work on both parts. Love is not enough, you have to work at it. We do what we have to do in order to keep a job and keep that paycheck rolling in, but we neglect our realtionships and then wonder why they fall apart… You can’t go the bank to withdraw money if you have made no deposits!! You’re absolutely right, both Men and Women have fallen short!! Instead of pointing finger’s, take responsibility for the role you played or didn’t play in your failed relationship!!

And enough with the bitterness, HUGE TURNOFF!!!

love to all
godiva
Comment by renee24 on 5 August 2009:

bigeyes I understand what your saying I’m a parent and I find that it is very difficult raising a child on your own, yes I too have had to play daddy and to a little boy its not easy. There are somethings a man can do for male children that women can’t.

I thank God for my brother! I have to be at work at 5am and we all know school don’t open until 8, as a single parent it’s hard just to find a babysitter or before/after school program that work around your job hours.

Sometimes we single parents work hard and are use to doing everything ourselves that we fell like we can’t depend on any one cause they will let us down. I think black women as well as black men have had so much disappointment.

But whats amazing is when that person decides to change they can step aside and say “baby I’m tired of doing this by myself, I don’t always want to be in control, LETS DO THIS TOGETHER, I SUPPORT YOU”.

Escalademan Your an example that not all men are in prison or are uneducated have you thought of teaching young black men how to be businessmen? Cause we need that.

freewill I absolutely agree!

I hope you all find love no matter what color it comes in
Comment by Escalademan on 5 August 2009:

I renee24, i tried to reach out to my friends, who are black on how to buy a house, how you have to fix your credit, how to go by the rules. How to get an 60,000 truck on your own without a co-signer. Everyone wants to get over, cut corners and do things their way.

I tried to help my friends on countless occasions and they just want things easy, and don’t want to work hard. Then I had a problem with some of my black friends hating on me, because i’m doing better than them. Not just friends, my family too (cousins and all), it is all connected. This is why i don’t have many black male friends now. Very sad, but true. I’m sure many successful black men, could understand what i’m saying, where you have to leave or stay away from people you grew up with, because they are on another level.

Black men are going on a downward spiral, its really sad but it’s true. You women out here having to date downwards. Then they have to deal with all these cheating and men going to strip clubs at night, trying to get take home. All those problems black women have to deal with.

My mother used to tell my older sisters to look for a white man when I was very young. My older sister married a white guy and was married for 20 years. My younger sister married two black men, and suffered nothing but divorces. Not saying this is true in all cases, but there was a difference in the marriages, that was obvious.

One thing i would do to help the community. If I make money off of this Sci-fi, action, adventure, romance trilogy i have coming out. I will love to help young black men, who are wrongfully accused of a crime. I think this is so important. I’ve been stopped so many times and almost caught up in the system for the B.S. when I was younger. Wrong place wrong time is very bad, and could affect a young person’s entire career and future. I would hear these people’s cases and if they can prove they are innocent, or if it looks like the case is suspicious I would dispatch my attorney to give free assistance to this person caught up in the system. I think that will be the best help, to help someone. I would also give some speeches in High Schools every now and then.

I would hate to see how this self hate on black people make us turn out 50 years from now. I think we are going to be in very bad shape then.
Comment by Ichibod on 5 August 2009:

Great points, Neferti!

I would expound on the first part of your post, me being a black male and all, but I’m eating right now. I’ll get to it later. Take care, Sis!
Comment by Ichibod on 5 August 2009:

I really want to like this Escalademan guy, but it’s really hard for me. Much respect to his success (and ofcourse being black on top of that), but his dating history and especially what his mom told his sisters saddens me? I can’t believe that didn’t hurt him to hear that or negatively impact him and his progression into manhood. I would imagine a parent would teach their child morals and how to find decent people to hang with better than telling a child to stay away from another race, especially their own. I have black male friends, and I DON’T have black male friends. The black male friends I DO have have jobs, careers, children, families, and common sense. The black male friends I DON’T have, or had to quickly cut ties with or distanced myself from, couldn’t keep jobs, weren’t thinking of careers (that wouldn’t land them in prison), probably had children (probabaly didn’t), and couldn’t wear fitting clothes or dress formally to save their lives. I see women that I wouldn’t dare bring home to my mother all over the place. I don’t have to date them to know that they are no match for me. My ex-fiance was black and I can’t say I had bad luck with her. It ended after 5 years, but I am so happy to have gotten to know her and for her to have gotten to know me in that way. I believe it was because of what I set out to look for in woman, rather than just realize that I was a man and she was a woman, perfect fit. However it ended for a lot of different reasons. There are wolves in sheeps clothing, but for the most part it’s not to difficult to spot the rotten or rotting tomatoes. Also, I hope everyone knows that this B.M.S is quite an accurate assessment, but effects all races, and not even amongst blacks so much.

Couples that out grow one another probably should have been friends first before sleeping with one another or considering marriage.

Good post to say the least.
Comment by godiva61 on 5 August 2009:

Ichibod,

Amen! Amen! Amen! As alway’s, good to see you!

Marriage is already a joint union between a Man and a Woman, the rules don’t need to change!!!!!! People should change the way they enter into marriage and choose thier mates wisely. I’ve seen people that spend more quality time in choosing a vehicle than they do a possible mate.

love
godiva
Comment by Escalademan on 6 August 2009:

Ichibod it didn’t hurt me growing up when I was younger (8 years old at the time), because I didn’t know about it until a few years ago, when my younger sister told me about it. My mother said it, i guess because of the negativity surrounding black men. Look what happened? My sister had two divorces with black men and gave up on dating. My older sister had a 20 year marriage with a white guy and it’s still going strong.

My older brother has been married 4 times and constantly screwed over by black women. One of his wives was getting child support payments and because he was with a new female, she wanted revenge on him. She told the Georgia courts, that she wasn’t getting any money from him, and they threw him in jail for it, right away. Even after showing the receipts. The court system is for females in Atlanta.

I’ve had nothing but bad luck with black women. From my physco X, to my cheating X’s. My phsyco X, I had to tell her every month, that I would beat my kids like joe Jackson, just so that she wouldn’t want to have any kids with me. It worked……… I even did a little acting and showed which belt i would use to beat my child with. She said, “I’m never having any kids with you.”
I loved those words.
I think that saved me $500-1000 a month right now.

My younger brother gave me the book “Black man’s guide to understanding the black women” That book explained so much to me. It explained all my x’s and why they did what they did. It explained why the black men didn’t protect black women from the slavery times. It goes into different classes of black women. It even explained how a black man could never win an argument with a black women, because she would save 1 megabyte of information in her brain specifically for retaining information on stuff the man did. The information would be so clear and specific, in details (the clothes a man was wearing 7 years ago on a specific date, type of details).

Anyone ever tried to win an argument with an black women?

I tried a few times and it went on for hours. A white female wouldn’t even want to argue that long (the ones i ran into).

This same Physco X, when I was living in my family’s old 4 bedroom apartment, 10 years ago living rent free. I was trying to save my money to buy a co op or an house, since I had the opportunity. Me and my brother rented out the other two rooms to pay for the rent for the entire place. This X, said I wasn’t a real man, because i lived with other people, i should get my own 1 bedroom, and not live with other people like a real man should.

I couldn’t believe this was her thinking. That is like going backwards in life. Why should i pay rent, and I could save to own something? Our logic wasn’t on the same level. Hard working and working two jobs to get ahead wasn’t on her mind.

What was on her mind was when she was going to get married, and how many babies she was going to have. She didn’t even want to go back to school, since she had her associates degree. She wasn’t trying to move in my direction.

Then I had the problem of her going through all my things in my room place. looking for shit. I never had one white female look through any of my things. Maybe its just me, but there is a difference between black and white.

Then another black X, didn’t want to try skiing, didn’t want to try snorkeling in the ocean in the Bahamas, didn’t want to try any different. No open mindedness.

Then this x said she would only date a man if she had a car, and all her friends thought like this.
Then she wanted to always get over on the tip or try to get something for free. I know all black women aren’t like this, but I just had the bad luck to meet these bad apples.

One black female i dated, she turned out to be an escort and flipped out on me, after she treated me to dinner one time.
She wanted her money back for the dinner she spent, or she was going to go to the police and said I raped her. Then I asked her, what are you a escort or hooker? She said yes.
What could i do in this situation? Kick her out, then have to hire a lawyer to fight a fake rape case?
I can’t take all that drama, too much for me. I tried to give the sisters a chance, but it just wasn’t for me. Too many bad situations and drama, and different types of thinking.
Comment by renee24 on 6 August 2009:

Escalademan

Have you tried talking to these women first before getting into a relationship? Do you ever wonder what attracts these women? And don’t forget physco bitch can come in any color.
Comment by Escalademan on 6 August 2009:

I never had these problems with white women. I know all women aren’t like this, but I can only go by my history and what I Went through. After all of this, ask your self whats the point? What works and doesn’t work.

I did talk to these women before hand, there is only so much you can learn before hand. Everyone eventually changes. Plus I was in my 20’s then.

I went to Moscow Russia in 2003, and It was a very interesting experience. I was treated like a basketball star when I went there. I was in a city like New york, and I was the only black man walking around there. I learned alot over there.
Comment by renee24 on 6 August 2009:

It’s sad that people have to play games instead of just being real. have fun and I Hope it works out.

Goodnite
Comment by bigeyes31 on 6 August 2009:

godiva61

Hello. I hope you are doing great!

Thanks for understanding what I was saying. Thank you so very much for saying such nice things about me. I respect everyone’s right to express their thoughts and experiences even if I disagree. I believe in really examining my choice of words when I communicate with people. This has taken a long process and lots of practice! Believe me I have come a long way,especially after being told all my life my mouth was going to get me in trouble!lol.

How beautifully you shared your experiences with your husband. You spoke of connections that were so deep that they could only come from experience, understanding and love. There is nothing like a man and a woman in a partnership, nothing like having someone who through your faults and imperfections…”gets you”. I don’t mind easing into my role for a man like that.

Peace and rest to you
Comment by world citizen on 6 August 2009:

Dearest LADIES and ‘GENTLE’ - MEN of ANY SHADE,
Dear educated hearts and sensitive souls,

Many of the recent comments were full of positive thinking, although not all of your experiences were of good nature. Nevertheless, you chose to continue your lives with hope for the better.

It is obvious, that all of us are very much influenced by our past. Most likely, having grown in the womb of a specific mother, followed by the dramatic birth experience, may have had great impact on us right from the start.
And then there are our genes. Why are we so different from our siblings, having the same parents?!
We are INDIVIDUALS.

My compassion and understanding for BLACK WOMEN in the U.S. is extraordinary, when I compare their struggle with women from other back grounds. The same compassion and understanding stands for BLACK MEN in the U.S. They need LIBERATION.

Lovely Godiva, your wonderful family description is very much what most women and men long for.
I am afraid, PRESENT TIMES make it even more difficult to succeed. I see people, not motivated to REALLY INVEST into a relationship, less TRULY RELIGIOUS, more MATERIALISTIC, HARDLY SPIRITUAL, more EGOTISTIC.

In our (white) society, men are even more pressured to be STONG and SUCCESSFUL - also SEXUALLY. GENTLENESS and EMOTIONS are looked down on, although many women appreciate these in a fulfilling relationship.

Many BLACKS fooled White folks, behaving the way it was expected of them,
SUB SERVANT - in order to survive.

Many women in most cultures also behaved for survival. Men have been fooled by women historically and it may be a shock to some men, finding out that a woman is actually also a HUMAN BEING, who deserves the SAME RESPECT.

I have seen wonderful, respectful relationships between BLACKS, however, if feelings are deeply injured by the same culture, why not get healing from ‘outside’ - it really has proven to be successful. Other cultures have similar problems, by the way.

As prejudice as it may sound - social and educational levels have an important impact on a good start of a successful relationship, as these build a better foundation than ‘great sex’, which may become ‘just good’ after years!

Go for interracial, intercultural relationships, while loving your sisters and brothers - not closing them out!

Ichibod, I am sure you’ll succeed with your openness!
Comment by looking4life on 6 August 2009:

escalademan with your last post you are really blowing smoke with your last post. those revelations you stated are nothing new nor are they color specific. i dont even believe they are gender specific guys get angry and vengeful as well. the good news is that i have been in your buddys shoes been through the games and if he is persistent as i was in the end her games will bite her on the butt and possibly he will end up with custody as i did. someone has to be the adult and look at the best interest of the child or children and getting into a peeing contest with her aint it.eventually the courts will see who has the childrens best interest at heart. we all get our feelings hurt, we all get angry but the children do not deserve to be put in the middle. i believe that quite often it is the games between the adults that keep the children apart from the other parent because they feel they are forced to choose or one parent feels forced out and THE CHILDREN PAY WHEN IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT.it doesnt matter who started or ended it, all that matters is who wants to be the adult. i been through the non-payment accusations, beating the kids accusations and the “doesnt know how to carefor the children” accusations and not only do they pile up but hit like a hammer when proven wrong in court and all her games are now transparent. your buddy needs to stay the course stay strong be a man AND HE AND THE CHILDREN WILL WIN IN THE END. i know often it is harder to be a man and do nothing in retaliation but being a man isnt always easy and color in this respect is irrelevent. i have read many great posts from many great people but this kind of negativity pigeon holing any specific group even if you write “this is only my experience “has got to stop. you dont need to defend your preference anymore than i do and negative remarks like these to defend your preference irresponsible and disrespectful and helps no-one achieve their goal of finding that great man or woman that we are all seeking. you have the right to voice your opinion and be heard but you have the responsibility to do it wisely.
Comment by renee24 on 6 August 2009:

Looking4life

I’ve had experience with the courts,so I know where your coming from. Women do not always have favor either it can be exhausting going back and forth the arguments the bills and the kids are caught in the middle. Like you said someone has to be the adult. I am well aware that the experiences I’ve had with black men doesn’t mean I will run into some of the same problems with any man black, white, ect.

I think Escalademan has to get over some pain and then maybe his views will change.
Comment by djstime on 6 August 2009:

Ok so why “Are Black women more likely to be single?” again?…

Bad Choices?
Attitude?
Situation?
Hatered from their African American Male counter parts?
???????
Comment by renee24 on 6 August 2009:

Some women (not all) have low self worth and think they can’t do any better so they go and get the guy off the street which ends in being single once again. And well others may have such high standards they make it impossible for any man.

djstime
“Hatered from their African American Male counter parts?”

Yes I can agree, I heard and seen comments that we have been trained to be divided.
Comment by bigeyes31 on 6 August 2009:

looking4life

I’m certainly glad you shared that. You are a personal example of how NOT to put down one race of women in favor of dating or being attracted to another. The fact that you are a white man laying to rest all the conscious or subconscious beliefs that “all my relationship problems will be over if I switch races” is refreshing.

Peace
Comment by renee24 on 6 August 2009:

THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO ALL BLACK WOMEN

some women aren’t willing to work with their men, a lot feel why should they? I have even heard some women say “I’m not a babysitter and I’m not your mama” Everyone needs encouragement maybe that’s why black men date outside their race.

EXAMPLE

So what if you meet a man who has had a bad past been in jail or has back child support. He is now willing to change he’s going to school because he just doesn’t want to settle for that high school education and he is working (holding down a steady job), and being the best father he can be.

But the women doesn’t want him because he doesn’t have the car, job, finances that she would like him to have. So instead of seeing what he can become she passes him up and years later he’s very successful and has everything she every wanted but he’s not with her.

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THANKS TO THE WOMEN WHO ARE BUILDING UP THEIR MEN REGARDLESS OF RACE!
Comment by Calmheart on 6 August 2009:

Hi All

There is a bigger picture here,please let me share.The statistics of health related issues that primarialy affect woman of color are staggering!.Of the 200,000 case of triple breast cancer 30% affect woman of color.Many years ago Deepak Chopra made the mind body connection between the rising cases of breast cancer in the world and The hatred or dissatisfaction woman have about their breast,as one factor.I will list the three primary factors that contribute to the high cases of this rare from of breast cancer.1.Hatred by society or the perception of hatred, based upon skin color.The subconscious mind doesnt know the difference between the Imagine hatred and real hatred,as seen by the inproportionate amounts of single woman of color. perhaps in simplier terms what is the opposite of a blessing?that is the vibrational frequency released upon our sister.2.If you dont feel love by society[whether real or perceived} ,how easy is it to love yourself love your body and give it the nurture and care it needs.3. Being a woman alone places you in a position to have to prove yourself in a mans world
and places you at risk for breast cancer.

I have done extensive research and studies and further information will be available in my book “The Mythology Of Race” available November 2009.
Please join me in sending out healing light to all our sisters especially those who need it the most.

much love to all calmheart.
Comment by world citizen on 6 August 2009:

Dear Calmheart, deep thanks to you for educating us on the shocking facts you described. You are a true GENTLE man. “The Mythology Of Race” will be worth reading. Best wishes!
Comment by renee24 on 6 August 2009:

calmheart

you right in all your comments I hadn’t even begun to think of health as an issue.

Thanks!
Comment by godiva61 on 6 August 2009:

looking4life,

Great Post! We all get the hand that was dealt to us, sometimes we win, sometimes it doesn’t work out but life goes on just the same, or at least it should. I know men, women, white, and black who has been victimized by the “justice system” and if you are black, you are even more vulnerable within the halls of justice. However I agree with you about using negative, stereotyping, inflammable remarks about a SPECIFIC group in order for a person to defend his or her preference for who they choose to date… My question to the people who indulge in this type of behavior and mentality is this, if these EXES were so horrible and or traumatic in your life, and they are no longer physically in your life, then why do you still carry their garbage around with you???? You might as well still be with them!! I think SOME people rather carry the nonsense around, rather than deal with the ENTIRE truth, and be honest about THEMSELVES and the actions that they could have taking prior to, during, and after the relationship(s) that they chose to be involved with..I’m not trying to minimize anyone’s pain here, we’ve all been there, but at some point your committment to being a better you and looking forward to the very BEST that the future hold’s for you, should take precedence over the pain and dissappointment’s of the past and I think the best revenge is to live WELL and not BITTER!

I think that a lot of men would be better off in life, and women as well, if they would do a “makeover” with their mindset and mentality. Speak VICTORY over your life, rather than speaking as a VICTIM!!!

godiva
Comment by Derek880 on 7 August 2009:

I’m not a perfect man, but I believe that I’m a good man. Why? Because I was raised by a good mother. I was raised in a family full of women, (my mother, my grandmother, aunts, etc.). My mother never once in my life said a negative thing about my father. Or at least nothing that me and my brother and sisters could here. My uncle was the positive role model in my life. From him I learned how to be a good father. But my manhood was also shaped by the negative role models that I saw in the streets. From them I learned how not to behave. To me, my mother is a Queen. Because she handled poverty with such grace, that we never felt that underprivileged. Women of her age knew how to be women.

So when I hear Black women of today talk about how hard they have it, and how they are “queens”, it makes me wince. Not because I have anything against Black women, but because these women come from a standpoint where their own individuality comes before the concept of family. This wasn’t always the case with Black women, and is really something that has happened over the last 20 years or so. The constant need to affirm that they are strong has become a little ridiculous. No other race of women find it necessary to vocalize their strength so much. (When’s the last time anyone heard a Hispanic or white female say that she was strong?)

I don’t want to generalize, but a lot of Black women want to be treated like queens without having to treat their men like kings. This doesn’t balance out, and creates a relationship that can’t be sustained. For the last 20 years we have heard about how brothers need to step up. It’s time to hold our women to the same standard. I know of too many men who are denied access to their children because some of our women are treating them like pawns in a game. I can’t even count the number of brothers who have told me how their wives or girlfriends said to them, “You’re not a man.” What kind of queen does such a thing? I’m sorry, this may not be a popular opinion but I think the sisters have no one to blame but themselves for their current situation. Sure Black women have lots of options, but so do Black men now, and what is happening is that the men are exercising them.

For the record, not all Black men need a sister to reach “down” to them. I’m not a wealthy Black man. But I’m a good father, and a good man, because I work on enriching my mind and spirit everyday. And I realize that there is a Creator and that I am a very small insignificant part in this world. I try to keep everything in a proper perspective. No one will ever reach down to me. To me, my level is never lower than anyone else’s, no matter their social or financial status.
Comment by Ichibod on 7 August 2009:

Derek880

You just said everything that I haven’t said, yet. And some of the things I have said, you said them better that I’ve said them.

“But my manhood was also shaped by the negative role models that I saw in the streets. From them I learned how not to behave.”

I find it rediculous how so many young men feel that they have to act according to the one they see in the streets, on TV, or hear it in music. How about seeing the beatings, the arrests, and the deaths and saying, “Why do I want to be a part of that”? Tupac was the same. As a kid, he hung with the thugs, pimps, and drug dealers and they all taught him NOT to do what they were doing.

“And I realize that there is a Creator and that I am a very small insignificant part in this world. I try to keep everything in a proper perspective.”

That’s why it becomes so hard for me to read some of these comments. It’s almost scary to know how many people just don’t know Him. Proper perspective. Very true.

Take care, brother!
Comment by godiva61 on 7 August 2009:

Ichibod,

Have I told you lately, that I love YOU!

I know that these are Rod Stewart’s word’s, but I can’t but help to echo these word’s!! You will make a Great Husband and Father one day!!!

World Citizen, you are my Sister and my Friend, for life!!!

Calmheart, your heart is full and peaceful, thanks!

godiva
Comment by world citizen on 7 August 2009:

Derek880 and Ichibod, I love your SENSITIVITY and DECENCY. You set an example, why it is worth while for women, to wait for the ‘RIGHT ONE’- he does actually exist.

You two expressed everything I recently was told by my son and his friends (all being bicultural) in Miami Beach. They work with the most attractive women daily, like to look at them, but their girl friends and wives are chosen for totally different values.

I have mentioned it so often, most of us are shaped by our back grounds - including both positive and negative. Your parents did an excellent job, raising you - and we know it took a lot of effort, setting a good role model.

Godiva61’s and your family descriptions should open women’s and men’s eyes!
Comment by calmheart on 7 August 2009:

Hi World citizen,Renee,Looking4life,Godiva and all others.

Thanks so much for your kind words and expressions .I found your comments refreshing and endearing.We are as Dr martin luther king said “caught in a network of mutuality”The illusion that we are all separate.Is part of the conditions that lead to the vicious cycle, namely us/ them.The thinking that we can disenfranchise others with out it affecting us on some level,Our thoughts deeds and actions have a direct impact on our life.I hope that I dont sound preachy its just that after years of stumbling around in darkness Ive finally discovered the obvious[its not a secret]that we have the power to impact our surroundings and in doing so we are empowered in all areas of our life.Including love.That what we all want ,at the end of our days ;after all has been said and done our paths brings everyone of us back to the same question.Was I loved..and did I give love.For those of you who are like me and cant wait….I choose to love now.

With great love always.

Calmheart
Comment by shondra on 8 August 2009:

In general, I find it sad that there needs to be blame in the first place. Why is this happening, why isn’t it? Each of our situations is different and each of us are different.

I am not going to down black men or women or anyone. I find in my area that single people are focused on materialism and etc. I don’t fit that mold. There also is a black woman who is portrayed everywhere as this dramatic, neck-shaking, b*tch. That is not me either. It is so sad we are portrayed this way. I personally have found that black men do not know what to make of me. I love the outdoors, classic cars and I am kind.

I am chill, mature and trying to ensure my future is economically secure. I would always prefer to spend time with a black man, but I am keeping my options open, because I just don’t feel appreciated.

If I am single and remain single, that is fine. I am going to enjoy this life and ride it til the wheels fall off. Marriage or no. Black man or a man period.
Comment by Lady Shai on 9 August 2009:

I agree with the ones who say that love is love no matter what color. I can only speak for my hometown and the Black women I know in Las Vegas, but here’s what I keep hearing from my single Black female associates: I’m not going to settle for anything less from a BLACK man. You see the key word here: BLACK. Any woman who complains about not meeting the right man shoud look outside of their comfort zone and starting men of other races. Instead of putting race as a requirement, it should be taken off. Once these single Black women do that one simple thing, there would be less single Black women. Shoot, this really applies to EVERYBODY who is not willing to step outside their comfort zone. You don’t have to lower your standards, just broaden your search of available men. Chances are the so-called “Plight of the single Black woman looking for a good man” will cease to exist.
Comment by berry_98 on 9 August 2009:

Hi.I beleive that some black man dont wanted work so they go with white woman to take care of them that why most black womam are single because we dont wanted to have to take care of a grown man and some of them just wanted to sit around not doing noting. I am single for many years because i cannot find a good black man. thanks. on the 8/9/09
Comment by azrazyel on 9 August 2009:

berry_98:

“Hi.I beleive that some black man dont wanted work so they go with white woman to take care of them that why most black womam are single because we dont wanted to have to take care of a grown man and some of them just wanted to sit around not doing noting. I am single for many years because i cannot find a good black man. thanks. on the 8/9/09″

Ummmmm….English please?
Comment by 85kguy on 10 August 2009:

Not that I’m interested Berry98 in any back and forth debating. But, the interracial scene is still a small slice of the scene.

As I look at the men’s comments on here the black men seem to be working men. So are the white men and the other men too. I feel safe saying that they are all working men.

Talk with them. They seem to have the energy and motivation to talk to black women. Explain your regional problem and ask them for a solution.

Each person’s environment here is different. Where I am at there are a lot of southwestern US hispanics. That may not be the case where you reside.

Tell them about your area and let people help you with a solution/alternative to some black men not working and dating white women so they won’t have to work in your area.

Ask them what you should do in your area.
Comment by The 50 - 50 Myth on 11 August 2009:

Briefly reviewing all the posts - it looks like we’re all stuck on ourselves and what we can get out of the relationship vs. what we can do

Marriages and relationships fail or never start
A 50/50 or (fairness) perspective will make it very difficult to demonstrate Christ-like love for your partner/husband/wife/family.

The problem with 50/50 is that everyone’s 50% seems bigger than the other persons. That’s the power of the EGO. And with that - seeds of contempt, judgment and pride can take root. These things get in the way of true love, connection, acceptance, and relationship.

Worldly circumstances like jobs, money, wealth, houses, etc can all be taken away; as evident with today’s economic condition. When these things are taken away you’re left with the true you. What’s there? Do you have joy, humility, understanding, emotional and spiritual maturity?

Christ got nothing out of loving us - pure selfless love. Isn’t that what everyone wants? How many of us want to give that…or even truly deserve it.

A relationship is about opening your heart and connecting with another person. Trying to connect only with your mind and/or worldly identifications will yield only surface compatibility at best and ultimate isolation even in a relationship.

Bless everyone!

BTW - I’m a black man. 32. Educated (PhD). Business Owner. Love black women. <– These things don’t define me. Just facts so you know

Hope to meet and marry a beautiful black woman in the future.
Comment by Buffy on 12 August 2009:

Ok, my problem with black men is that THEY are become so damn picky these days. They want a skinny bw, or a thick ww…But also, i, like most bw on here, am very strong-minded and independent. I was raised by aunts who’s husbands had died, left, we’re abusive, alcoholics, etc etc. And my “papa was a rolling stone” (lol!) So all i kno is to have my education, work a good job , drive a nice car, and sit out on my patio in the evenings lookin over the lake, with a glass of champagne while reading a book. Do i date? Yes. I date ALL the time. I gess ive been dissapointed by the lack of get-up in so many men, im not risking giving my heart, and my pocketbook to a man…so i date, and stop there.
Comment by Escalademan on 12 August 2009:

Hey, the 50-50 myth, have you ever read that book, “Blackman’s guide to Understanding the black women?”

http://www.amazon.com/Blackmans-Guide-Understanding-Blackwoman/dp/0933405014/ref=cm_sw_em_r_dp_title_featured?ie=UTF8&tag=tellafriend-20

I’m just curious, to hear your opinion on it, if you ever did.

——————————————–

Buffy, yeah men are picky these days. I think society brain washed us into thinking skinny women are in and big thick asses are in. Its amazing how women begin packing on the pounds between 25-32 years old. Many women have the attitude, that if they aren’t overweight, they don’t have to go to the gym. When they should be in a regular habit of going to the gym, even if they are small or skinny, so they could be in practice.

I think there are so many break ups because of this, men want a big ass, and skinny body, so many cheat or goto a strip club to get just that, causing many relationships and marriages to fail.
Comment by Escalademan on 12 August 2009:

The below at the bottom is so true, Azrazyel. There are alot of black men, who want a black female or white female to take care of them. I have friends that think like this. I’ll give you two examples.

About 10 years ago, I had a chubby white female friend, that I was just friends with. She liked me alot, but I wasn’t into her like that. Anyway, She was about to inherit a multimillion dollar private airline food processing business from her family.

My friends found out and told me to get with her. I told them i’m going to make my own millions and I don’t need a female for this. They all wanted to talk to her, and they didn’t care what she looked like. They all wanted to live it up and have her buy them some new rims for their cars or taking them out places all the time. Pathetic but true, alot of men think like this.

9 Years ago, I was dating a resident doctor that was from Romania, making 50,000 a year. She was about to move up to Attending doctor and would start off making 225,000 a year, but she was moving to Atlanta Georgia and I was in NYC. She said she would take care of me, if I moved down there with her. This wasn’t my style. But again all my friends said I was crazy for not doing that. Again I told them, I have my house up here with tenants. That wasn’t my style. These friends I grew up with, was searching for a female like this. Very sad, but very true.

Black men these days seem to want someone else to take care of them, while they sit in the house and play video games and goto strip clubs. This generation of men is really getting messed up. Living at home with your mama, isn’t cool.

Us black men are failing to have good credit, failing to be providers for our families, failing to keep a jobs, failing to do things the right way. But they can get good passing grades on getting over in life and using people.

These children of these men, are being raised mostly by their mothers with poor roll model fathers.

Us black men have serious problems and it doesn’t seem like it is going to be fixed anytime soon.

In my Book, in the future, all men have vasectomies when born and when they turn 18, they have to apply to have it reversed, similar to a credit application. Maybe something like this would make men get more serious as adults and do things the right way. Maybe, maybe not.

Author: azrazyel
Comment:
berry_98:
“Hi.I beleive that some black man dont wanted work so they go with white woman to take care of them that why most black womam are single because we dont wanted to have to take care of a grown man and some of them just wanted to sit around not doing noting. I am single for many years because i cannot find a good black man. thanks. on the 8/9/09″
Comment by bigeyes31 on 12 August 2009:

The lack of responsibility and respect in relationships really doesn’t have alot to do with whether a woman has a skinny body and a big ass or what a woman looks like period. By the way, the media didn’t influence black men into liking big booties, that’s been natural for them LONG before the media. The root of this selfishness that we see is just fulfilling what the bible said,” in the latter days,men will become lovers of themselves instead of lovers of GOD”. Of course the bible is referring to “mankind”. Everyone is out to please themselves and doing things their way instead of the opposite way which GOD requires. I have seen women with the “body” that black men say they want, face and attitude and guess what…they still cheat, go to the strip clubs. A man uses,”aah man, she won’t go to the gym” as a excuse to do what they already wanted to do in their hearts in the beginning. It begins with a lack of relationship with Christ.Serving him is a sacrifice because you have to now seek to do things his way and that is painful when YOU are your own god. You may think not wanting to go to gym and stay in shape is lazy,but I think the root cause of problems in relationships is spirutual laziness. Both can lead to death but the bible says spiritual death is the worse.

Peace
Comment by The 50 - 50 Myth on 12 August 2009:

bigeyes31 - I totally agree. I do think we’ve developed into a society where everyone is out to please themselves and doing things their way instead of the opposite way which GOD requires. People like to live in the flesh vs. the spirit and they fall what “feels” good at the time. I cringe when I hear people say I’m looking for someone to “make me happy”. People that feel that way don’t realize the level of responsibility they are placing on another human being. It’s what children naturally do to their parents. When we mature we realize that happiness and joy are driven internally and that will reflect in our relationships.

Escalademan - No I have not read the book “Blackman’s guide to Understanding the black women”. I have a hard time getting into those kinds of books. I find that these books never get to the root of the issue of “relating” which is we only really relate with ourselves as everything is a reflection of us and that we attract relationships that reflect where we are inside. This point of view is not popular because it places accountability with oneself rather than on the other person or outside circumstances.

There is a saying - “You can’t divorce yourself” - people make excuses, run from home, family, or jobs trying to escape the work required to improve themselves.

I run my church men’s ministry and the topic of love/dating comes up often. Interesting topic that never seems to go out of style. I personally believe that people don’t truly want healthy whole relationships as most know what they should be doing, however their choices, thoughts, words, and attitudes reflect differently.
Comment by godiva61 on 12 August 2009:

The 50-50 Myth,

First off, I thank God for your message today.

Second, I am in agreement with your perspective and your attiude about “relationships”.

Who we are, what we believe, and most of all, what’s in our heart’s as individual men and women, is what we bring to the relationship table, before the relationship, during the relationship, and on the occassion, after the relationship has ended.

I think the above mentioned attitudes, and behavior’s toward relationships, are the products of the “disconnected family”. The Family is no longer a priority, nor do we invest in our Families as we once did. I remember when my family member’s, my community, echoed and adhered to certain behavior’s and if we didn’t we were held accountable from the entire family, this was not an option, but a MUST!!! Not just my family but the entire community…. My dad would often remind us that “when you walk out that door, you are representing your mother and me”!!! Today we have too many familie’s who are represented poorly, and with no guidance or expectations. Now that we have this type of dysfunction in our homes, it’s only fitting that we have now produced young men and women, who have no sound concept as to what a meaningful, healthy, and last but not least, and Godly relationship really is….

Bless you in all that you desire to do and to fulfill your destiny.
May GOD bless you with the woman of HIS choice, she will be a very fortunate and blessed woman!!! And you as well!!!

Rescue the Children

Redeem the Family

Recreate the Community

One mind at a time,

One heart at a time,

One life at a time,

One home at a time.

godiva
Comment by godiva61 on 12 August 2009:

bigeyes31,

It feels so weird to call you “bigeyes”. You do have big beautiful eyes, but I’d rather call you Natalie, if it’s okay with you?

You are a very wise, intelligent and perceptive young lady. Your response to the comment’s pertaining to body part’s was on point. Unfortunately some people, men and women have a tendency to focus on the physical body and not the body of the mind, and then they wonder they have had, at the least, mediocre relationships in the past?? This is one of those “no brainers” answer’s.

Again, I would ask, “what mentality are you, as an individual, is bringing to the table”?

godiva
Comment by Ichibod on 12 August 2009:

Greetings Godiva and 50-50,

That’s why I said it was hard for me to like that guy. I can’t get into that kind of stuff either. And I agree, marriages/relationships are 100% from both sides. If you’re only putting in 50%, where’s the other 50% invested? By the way, nice of you to join us 50-50.
Comment by The 50 - 50 Myth on 12 August 2009:

godiva - thank you for your kind words. I’m holding everyone in my prayers.
Comment by bigeyes31 on 12 August 2009:

Hey godiva61

I had to laught to myself about what you said. It probably does feel a little funny calling me “bigeyes” because the size doesn’t come through on the picture I have posted.(lol). But it is perfectly ok to call me Natalie. I want to say thank you so much for such kind and radiant words toward me! You are kind, wise, even-tempered and very intelligent yourself!Thanks again.

You are right. If you use shallow reasoning in your relationships, you’ll end up with mediocre relationships. Sounds quite logical to me.

I wanted to make a little note about the words I used to describe the body parts in my previous post. That was a quote from escalademan. I should have put it in quotation marks so it would be understood that I was quoting the original author. I’m careful about the words I use and try not to use coarse language if at all possible. Thanks again.

Peace
Comment by Ichibod on 12 August 2009:

“By the way, the media didn’t influence black men into liking big booties, that’s been natural for them LONG before the media”

Actually, this is NOT natural. In the 19th century, Saartjie Baartman was one of two women from the Khoi tribe who were exhibited as sideshow attractions in Europe. How could big booties be of particular notice to African men when this is all they knew of their women or women in general? It only becomes noticeable when someone makes a point to mentionit, which a physican from France did. Accordiing to Wikipedia:

“Saartjie was exhibited around Britain, being forced to entertain people by gyrating her nude buttocks and showing to Europeans what were thought of as highly unusual bodily features.”

I’ve seen many protests from black women in regard to music videos that have scantily clad girls dancing around like idiots just like Saartjie was forced to. The fact is you just never know what types of women you’ll find with big booties nowadays. You can’t just put that on black women now. Maybe black women more than other races, but not just black women. It bascially a moot point now, therefore you have the saying, “There must be something in the water…” Also, a big butt is nothing if it isn’t shaped right, just as big breast mean nothing if the nipple isn’t right. The affinity for a nice pair of breasts is the only thing natural for men and women because it symbolizes nurishment for human beings and femininity in women, which in turn is attractive to men. However, I’ve heard alot of men who could care less for large breasts. I, for one, am not one of those men! Please read up one Saartjie Baartman. It is a very informative, yet heartwrenching story. She died in 1815 and just had her remains returned to Africa in 2002. Almost 2 centuries of pleading with the Freach government to give her up for a proper burial in her homeland. In a way, the media has hyped the black butt thing for quite some time. And again, a media not run by us. Just wanted to put that out there.
Comment by bigeyes31 on 12 August 2009:

okay I will read up on that.She seems similar to Josephine Baker.
Comment by Ichibod on 12 August 2009:

Hey, nice new pic!

Wow, almost like Josephine, except she wasn’t a slave. Saartjie was known in France as “Hottentot Venus” and Jospehine was known in France as “Bronze Venus”. Saartjie was pimped out, Josephine sort of did it to herself for a minute, from what I understand. I was really telling anyone who read my comment to read up on her. I think it sheds a bit of light on some of the stuff we see in popular culture today.
Comment by bigeyes31 on 13 August 2009:

Thanks Ich. I had to show and prove my nickname,lol.

Peace
Comment by Azrazyel on 13 August 2009:

Holy Sh!t.

Damn, you were right. lol
Comment by Ichibod on 13 August 2009:

Calm down. Her eyes are in proportion with everything else. lol I was called Gonzo back in middle school. You know, the purple muppet?
Comment by Azrazyel on 13 August 2009:

I get ya Ich! lol

Hey, peeps call me Eminem. I don’t know to take that as a compliment, or an insult. lol
Comment by bigeyes31 on 13 August 2009:

Ich

Gonzo?????? I don’t sse it. Kids can be so cruel to one another.

Michael

Ok, I can see Eminem. The blonde hair, blue eyes,lol.
Comment by Ichibod on 13 August 2009:

I sort of grew into my nose over the years.
Comment by trulysassi on 20 August 2009:

This is a very sensitive topic/issue for black women for very obvious reasons. It is particularly important that black women and men have a constructive dialogue as it relates to this topic. This is especially true for black men who date inter-racially as recently the dominant reason (truth or myth) for the increase in single black women has been interracial dating.

It seems to me from reading much of the commentary here that Black men and women have not escaped the longstanding finger-pointing and bashing that has plagued as a community.

I do think that some men like djstime, though generally giving constructive feedback, nonetheless have resorted to bashing black women. The “angry black woman” as well as the “that’s why I don’t black women” comments are symptomatic of the gender opposition that is truly destroying our community.

The same thing goes for the women who constantly invoke negative stereotypes of black men such as the jail-bait or the dead-beat dad. Clearly, there are black men who aren’t any of these things so if you’re interested in black men why not focus on the ones who have it together or the ones who are trying to better themselves? Negative only attracts negative.

I suppose that it should go without saying that there are good and bad individuals in all racial/ethnic groups. Therefore, though it is unfortunate that you and others have had failed/dysfunctional relationship shouldn’t mean that you bad-mouth all black wo/men. In my opinion, that’s just baggage that you all need to work out in some type of therapy. If we raise negative issues that we have with the opposite sex of our race then it should be in the context of uplifting those who have fallen victims to these issues and/or finding solutions.
Comment by tatted2death on 22 August 2009:

Wow…a lot has been said in here this month…

First of all I must thank you, Ich….for clarifying my last post here….but ummmm yeah I WAS directing most of my post to that other guy…..NOT that I don’t just love calling you on you stuff as well…..LOL. I am just glad that YOU recognize where I am coming from with most of what I post in here….that is greatly appreciated….(and hey, I actually think Gonzo was really cute….AND he crossed boundaries too…dating “chickens”…lol).

And I shake my head at the women with issues with their own “behinds”. Some can’t wait until the weather breaks so they have it hanging out some hot pants while others are killing themselves at the gym trying to get it to have a shape it probably NEVER will. Women, in general, need to learn that it is ok to love themselves how they are…..and YES, take care of themselves physically and mentally….BE HEALTHY and not try and fit into some image that has been air-brushed to death. Most importantly I think people across the board need to stop worrying so much about the superficial and material and get on board with a spiritual connection of some sort….In these times I am certain it is essential to survival.

…and much thanks to trulysassi…… a very insightful and balanced post.

Peace and Blessings
tatted2death
Comment by 85kguy on 5 September 2009:

Tatted is telling the truth and nothing but the truth.

I know a woman in my town. She is pretty beyond compare. She is 32 years old and never married.

She has one son.

Loved one guy since high school. Had a baby with him. He went to prison for five years. He got out, she got him a job through the position she had.

He was a assistant warehouse mgr right out of the Pen!

They are no longer together. I wish I could show you her pics. Cannot attach them here.

Maybe I can set up a dummy website so you can see her.

She is prettier than Vanessa William or Ms. Berry. She works out religiously and looks 10 years younger than 32yo turning 33.

Better looking than 12 months of Jet magazine centerfolds.

No current prospects for marriage!

Now she just parties with girlfriends on the weekend and the man she loved is gone

Oh Yeah, he had a baby by another woman.
Comment by Nikita on 6 September 2009:

I think black women have been conditioned to idolise the men who are the ‘thuggish’ or bad-boy type of men. we confuse pride and confidence, with arrogance and aggression. a lot of us are made to think these types of men have sex appeal.

n, sometimes, because we are around and choose to deal with these men, we are forced to adapt to these men and usually, to get any kind of respect from them, we must act just as aggressive n mouthy as they are.

problem is, some people transfer this loud and aggressive attitude to other situations outside the ‘hood’ and it doesn’t work. or we use this same approach on a person that doesn’t understand it.

i think a lot, not all, of us black women need to correcting our attitudes and the way we think.
Comment by tatted2death on 11 September 2009:

I agree with you whole-heartedly, Nikita….

…but I must add that the excuses also MUST stop (not saying that you, personally, are giving any). But I think all people really must start holding themselves accountable for their own actions/lives. Any “conditioning” that any group may be subject to only goes so far anyway. I mean unless you live in some totalitarian part of the world, you have the freedom to “change your mind”. Whenever I hear someone go on about what is not accepted by society I cringe. Common sense is NOT obviously NOT common. Don’t these people realize that WE are society AND we CAN change things. The past 100 years have taught some people NOTHING. And these people that keep bringing up slavery as if they have the right…..the ones that actually suffered during that time would no doubt scoff at them….in disgust and pity over all the opportunities that these “victims” waste everyday by wearing the “mental shackles” from which they CAN release themselves.

No one can “force” you to do anything unless they have a gun to your head….and even then…..you always have options. Some people opt to take the “easy way” and let others dictate to them how they should be. Others that refuse to be clones will have a rough road but the rewards are boundless. “Victims” that have nothing of substance to offer anyone are the one with NO OPTIONS.

Peace and Blessings
tatted2death
Comment by Teska27 on 15 September 2009:

Although this is true, we all have to keep in mind that it may be for a number of reasons. For me…Im single by choice and not because I cant get a man, im a gold digger, or have a bad attitude. These are just a few stereotypes that black women face. I just choose to wait for the right person to come along. I am a good woman and I refuse to settle for anything less than what I deserve. I know of a lot of women who are unhappily married or dating someone because either they have kids, they dont want to be alone, or for other reasons. I dont care if you have been with someone a long time, you should never settle for less because you will only make yourself miserable!!!
Comment by tatted2death on 15 September 2009:

Welcome to the boards, Teska27…..

Peace and Blessings
tatted2death
Comment by bigeyes31 on 15 September 2009:

Hey Tatt

Good to see you going toe to toe with you know who,lol. Keep up the good work.

Peace
Comment by bigeyes31 on 16 September 2009:

If “we” women stop making these thug types think they are fly, they would stop acting, dressing, and talking like thugs. Men do things to get US and the the thug act is just another redention added to the sideshow. Somewhere, someone is accepting these type of men and therefore it’s positive reinforcements for dogs. Pavlov’s experiment of classical conditioning at it’s purist. I choose to be by myself if that’s all I have to choose from.I get called mean all the time by men because I don’t allow them to make excuses, white or black. What I have noticed,however that when you set up guidelines, it either drives them or draws them. It’s like buying a car or negotiating my salary…I’m not afraid to walk away. I do believe there are many women, black,white or whatever who innately operate this way which may contribute to the idea that black women or women period are more likely to be single. It’s funny how some of the men I’ve dated(not slept with) tried to “crack” me or break me and some I totally intrigued,lol. I’ve done and am doing my part to be a good person and woman but so many of these men wanted me to compromise or “dumb it down” because THEY haven’t evolved. I firmly believe that if I stick to the way the bible tells me to “be holy,for I am holy” then I will be rewarded with the RIGHT man for me.

Peace
Comment by bigeyes31 on 16 September 2009:

Thanks Teska27 for letting me see that I am not alone.

Peace
Comment by bigeyes31 on 16 September 2009:

edit: rendition. Ooooh I hate to misspell things,lol. No matter how many times I proofread, I still miss something..fooey.

peace
Comment by tandie2020 on 22 September 2009:

Wot a horrible world this would be if we had more black woman like Konstanze and Rheah59 who wrote at the very beginning of this article, my message to them is speak for yourselves you silly and selfish excuses of woman. your experiences do not reflect mine or many black women out there.
Comment by triccinicci on 27 September 2009:

Aaaaargh! Can’t we all stop this melodramatic tug of war? I’m sure that is a rhetorical statement exhumed from the frosty hope one day the “norm” will be that we can sit cross table and discuss what EACH person wants. As a woman of mixed heritage I find it difficult (and yes, it has kept me - safely so I might add in my case only - from the golden band) to just accept the standard some male has made for me (as if you knew what I do now that I didn’t then you’d be glad for me and congratulate my not following the other bleeting sheep, lol).

Now of course I have been in love and gave my all, but said no and ended the relationship because of issues the person just could not overcome (and that took a very long time and was the best and smartest thing to do). I felt I was not used to my fullest potential. I’m smart, educated, world traveled, told I am beautiful, blah-blah-blah…for what GOOD can this be for?

If one is in a relationship don’t you want that relationship to cause you to dream and work hard for those dreams, to achieve them? Ok so the dreaming, or doing or actual being of that dream is not perfect, but we know that all that glitters is not gold. The point is we can at least live the dream, or die trying, yes?

So what if each time you meet a man it’s always something, but you are just shy of perfect? What if you make all the right moves, stand by your man, but still cannot quantify or qualify the end result, what then? Should you blame yourself for others inabilities? Is it fair to say a persosn who realizes and reaches for the positive in his/herself should have to wear labels because the counterpart is comfortable in their shortcomings because the blame will always fall to the one trying.

I would like to date seriously as I am a traditionalist and cook, clean, entertain, etc. I am also a visionary and want a significant other that views me as a partner equal to his standard in the business realm. Why can’t I have both with a man who is rock solid to a fault at home and has huge business acumen in the workplace?

I find it hillarious the guys I’ve been with enjoyed my abilities in strictly feminine culture, but hate my boardroom bravado because I can often deliver better, with quicker results and have the income to prove it. Now I am not saying they did not support me, we just had no common goals to achieve. Do men want you to trail them no matter the cost? Is it that insulting to engage in a relationship with a woman of intellect and achievement?

Thus far I’ve stayed far away from marraige because honestly it seemed contrite to me. My older, married sister taunts that I will never be married, lol! I think I simply need to find a person as special as I feel our love, enjoyment, company, compassion and competitiveness will be together! As I wouldn’t fair well without the enjoyment of parts of me I want to share. No matter which of us brings home the bigger check I’ll always be business savvy, a lady at day break and a lover at dusk!

Note: I am not saying a man would be insulted by me making more, I just wondered if such issues as income or social standing can sometimes deter a man from pursuing. Often when dating (I mean dinner, movies, simple stuff) I’ve run into guys that look at my surroundings and manner in which I live and I honestly think it creates a mindset they would have to do so much better. Maybe they are not up for this. How do I find a guy that doesn’t perceive my lifestyle as an obstacle or financial egor waiting to tax them?

I enjoy my lifestyle and have lots of personal time I would enjoy spending with the opposite sex if that person had similar attributes, was interested in setting agreeable goals, enjoyed life with or presented a life I could engage in. What is so difficult about that? Do guys just want women to fall in their laps and simply be there to be moved about like a chess pond?

Sorry to sound negative or contrived, but if a woman could avoid all the stereotypical reasons such as the feminist guy mentioned (might have relevance, dunno), what do guys say their generalized desire is. Mind you this question is for all men not just Men of Color. Please give us girls a clue just in case I, for one, should decide to go ring shopping to encourage such an adventure, lol!
Comment by welder1 on 22 October 2009:

I am single, late 30’s and raising two children. I am employed, in fact two jobs. I am a female that does construction and I teach my trade at two facilities. Why am I single? My children’s father passed away from heart surgery. All this stuff that I hear on here is driving me insane, especially from the men that state that we as black women are single because of bad choices. Not all of us fit this stereotype. I am physically fit, I have to be if I am to climb up four flights and hang as I weld on a building every weekend. I am strong, I have to be, and I work hard. I will earn my Master’s degree in Education by November. Many men are just scared of a woman that has her own and can carry her own. They want someone that they can tell what to do, and not for her to have any input so you do sway the other way. I will bow in respect when a strong, and real man that is not afraid of my strength comes along, and let him lead my family if he knows how. The men that are being rasied today are nothing like the ones that I saw growing up.
Comment by echinacea on 27 October 2009:

I am completely agree with this article. Now a days, we can say that the upcoming generation is going to really fast. I have also seen that Black women are most likely to be single. Well thanks for sharing such nice article here. I like this site and it is nice to post here.
Comment by chinajane on 9 November 2009:

Julius, I don’t doubt that you have been mistreated by some black women, but hey let’s lay some of that on white women. I have seen brothers get played by some of the skankiest, non-educated nasty looking white women. I am tired of reading what is wrong with black women and that we do not understand them. Quit blaming us like you blame the white man for what is happening in your life. There are always going to be obstacles in this life, God never promised that life on earth would be easy, that’s why we are to look to the life ahead with him and Jesus Christ. As a black woman 51 years old finally getting my bachelors and after 8 spinal chord surgery any excuse given to me about not improving your life will be met with disgust. I have found that white men appreciate that strength and ability to rise above and make something out of your life. I used to date black men and felt guilty about dating white ,hispanic Italian, men no longer we don’t get that kind of loyfalty so time to find it somewhere else. The men of my father and grandfather’s generation are gone, seems like there strength is also.
Comment by turnaround27 on 10 November 2009:

Ive read several comments on this subject and feel that to a certain degree many got off the question presented. The question is ” Are Black women more likely to be single?” Well, James, are you speaking of being ‘more likely’ than ‘White’ women or ‘more likely then any other gender or race?
In my opinion if the question is in regard to just ‘women’ the statistics already answer that question. I think the question that caused all the debate here in the responses is, WHY?
I believe too, that black women are more likely to be single than their white sisters….excuse the pun, but we ARE ALL God’s children. I believe this because of the way Black people have ALWAYS been treated by White people,(and we know how that is, and Im not talking about the exceptions, I am talking about the rule)since they were FORCIBLY taken from their world. THAT can NEVER be fixed because it can NEVER be undone. Back in the days of slavery, Black men were brutualize, broken, murdered. So, who’s left? The Black woman: Left to keep their family going, safe, fed, ALIVE. That is true today also and for the same reason. BUT, ironically, the joke is on White people because now more than any time in US history, white people’s numbers have been DILUTED, due to inter racial relations, consentually or as in the past, forced.
SO, as life has shown, some of the problems read above exist in ALL races and genders: the abuse, insecurities, etc. however, that has nothing to do with race relations. It has to do with ones upbringing, period. You do and are what you LEARN, period. If your parents didnt nurture you, hold you, EXPRESS LOVE to you…you will not be able to do that as an adult if you dont use life’s lessons to allow you to become a wiser, ready to change person. If your parents berated you, that is what YOU LEARNED, that is how you ‘relate’ if you dont use life’s lessons to allow you to become a wiser, ready to change person. That is what YOU will EXPRESS to the people in your life and in general. If your parents talked of others who were not ‘like you’, in a derogatory manner, in front of you, that is what YOU LEARNED, and that is what YOU will do….Children HEAR, children ‘listen’, even when you think they are not ……
Take care how you live YOUR life, make room for change in your life…..YOU know the difference between right and wrong. Even if you do what you LEARNED, you know change IS possible….. Then and only then can one make comments on things other than what is in “their” world…..and for the ones who have become wiser with age they will ‘listen’ more so than ‘comment’ because they know that only by listening can one learn…
Peace and Love to all that strive to be better than the day before.
Comment by somethingnew on 13 November 2009:

Hello to all,
I’m new to this site, but not to this subject. Just wanted to share. I also fall into this catagory of “successful, well-educated, independent, attractive, God loving, church going, single Black woman”, with an “over 40yrs” cherry on top.

I’ve always been open to interracial dating, but my experiences have been with Black men. Gotta say it’s been very disappointing. And after taking a long hiatus from dating, I’m getting back into the game, but I’m only interested in Caucasion men. It’s a little sad to me because I’ve always been one to say “Be open to go outside your race, but don’t EXCLUDE your race”. Now I’m the one doing it. I can’t even see myself with a Black man. I guess I’ve just had one too many bad experiences with them.
Comment by Chronik on 14 November 2009:

@Teska27….i know u havent posted on here in almost 2 months, so I dont know if you will see this, but I just really wanted to tell you I think you are so beautiful….I just cant stop looking at your little picture. You have me mesmerized with your beauty…:)
Comment by khoibito on 26 December 2009:

Unbelievable! A black woman that blames herself for being single. Now this is wifey material. If more black women either looked within, or at least became familiar with how black men see them, sites such as this one would be irrelevant. Unfortunately, black women socialize each other to blame everyone except themselves. And if a woman places a man low on her priorities for any reason, she is bound to loose that man, THE SAME WAY A MAN WOULD LOOSE A WOMAN IN THE MATTER IS REVERSED.
Comment by khoibito on 26 December 2009:

Another reason many black women are “never married” at a rate beyond other women is because many are “single by choice.” By the time they no longer want to be single, nobody wants them, or they have been single for so long, they simply don’t know how to open up to a relationship without paranoia of being hurt.
Comment by CandiedChestnut on 1 January 2010:

I agree with khoibito. Reading the statistics makes me think that I’m supposed to be single, so I don’t let my relationships play out like they should. I’m 32 years old. I know it’s not healthy, but I think this is our karma so we should find happiness in being single for life. At one point I wanted to marry really badly, but now I’ve lost the flame and I don’t want to adjust my life, considering I’m getting used to things the way they are. Also, I’m afraid of losing comraderie. There’s comfort in knowing a lot of other black women are in the same boat, my sister, friends, some family. I would feel guilty about my situation if I married, considering they aren’t. Also, if I got married, it would be harder finding female friends because most would be single and I wouldn’t be. We wouldn’t be able to hang out in the nurture our friendships the same way. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it is what it is.
Comment by Love on 2 January 2010:

I say to hell with the blogs, its a new year. Black women have a right to want their black men, we need to step our game up and take our men back! They’ll come back because the grass is not always greener on the otherside.
Comment by paula99 on 4 January 2010:

for real , i like my singledom. i do. i might be a tad bit older than most readers i do not know. but yes we are most likely to remain single. i am secure with myself i do not feel i need a husband. i like company every once in a while ( as aretha franklin) would say. in one of her songs. yes i do believe that most us are going to remain single. why>? there are various reasons. some are different from others. i find that most whitemen are not going out of there way to break down our doors. and of course we know the dilemma of blackmen . need i go there, 51 yrs of age i am. i find its harder as you get older for anyone to find a suitable partner. its not because your not smart enough, good looking enough. etc. i do not beat myself up anymore. i am still the diva i am with or with out a mate. its called exceptance. there is so much to life. i rather settle for none. than just half. if i cannot get what i deserve. hey i will still be fine. i been through the pity parties, calling girlfriends bitching and moaning about the one that got away. or how come. hey when you get comfortable in your own skin. you will see what i mean. and god focused.

because , i know you heard the old southern saying. (God don’t make no junk!)
ciao
Comment by paula99 on 4 January 2010:

candiedchestnut i agree with your girl.. you know candie it taken me years to love myself. sometimes the answer is right up under our feet. i know i am set in my ways. i just do not have time for the bullshit.. you know what i mean. i know what i deserve , what i want. i have miles to go. i like to travel. my child is an adult. he is getting married soon. god bless him but. its nothing wrong with being single. i tell i looked back on the men. who i thought was marriage material. thank god!.. most turned out to be drug and alcoholics. woman beaters etc. so therefore. my destiny in life might be different. i am glad i made the choices that i made. see marriage is not cut and dry. as people think it is. its hard work! if your not ready to do the time do not do the crime… lol. but woman have been so condition to badly in this culture to have babies, get married. yada, yada yada. it’s okay to be single. do not mean your bedding tom, dick, and harry, hey . if we want to go to the movies, theatre we know who to call. if we want to get laid we know who to call. yes . its nice to have the same man on your arm. or is it?… i am just happy right now with my choice. yes i have a sex partner. but guess what. i am not in love nor is he with me. we just enjoy each other. that works for me right now. honesty , i had to get honest with myself. i am set in my ways. i know this. and i like it. i really do. this is the best i ever felt. in life. and i will continue , with god’s grace.
Comment by paula99 on 4 January 2010:

oh chronik heard it all before. mesmerized with your beauty.. i know she is beautiful tell me somethin’ we don’t know!!
Comment by 12cuddlewith on 17 January 2010:

Well i can’t comment from a black woman’s point of view but i can say from a single woman’s point of view that being single no matter what race is hard enough as it is…… some men talk about how they want a good woman but yet they continue to go after ms. wrong or they chasing booties lol…..i think people in general need to look outside the box and start to look at the things in people they would normally say no to…Dating isn’t easy these days…and crazy as it seems i have asked men out on a date..at my expense lol you think they call….and i have had men tell me i am too independent for them so why would i need them….uh hello, i have kids, a house and a car payment, bills…if i don’t pay them, i’m out on my azz with my kids, so then whose gonna pay for em. Don’t be mad cause a woman can hold their own, we have had to for the longest and we will continue to.
Comment by 12cuddlewith on 18 January 2010:

@love

right and i have to agree that the grass isn’t greenier on the other side, but u talking like ALL white women aren’t good…i know u didn’t say it, but i got it from how i read it. I say it like this and this is my opinion in reference to your comment about taking “OUR” men back…..i figure if a man is not in a relationship, or married then he is fair game, white or black. No one owns anyone and just because you have the same shade of skin doesn’t make him or all black men yours, white men aren’t my men just cause they are white. If you feel that way then why are you on a IR site if you only want black men unless your here like some i see who just like to cause crap up in these forums to get folks a going.
Comment by NeuroticMoor on 13 February 2010:

OK… So let me get this straight. On this *dating* site, we have successful, intelligent black women who say that the black men they’ve dated have done them wrong who they would have treated like a King if given the chance and we have successful, intelligent black men who say they’ve been treated wrong and would have treated a black woman like a Queen if given the chance.

Isn’t it *beyond* obvious that these groups of people should be checking each other out as potential matches? Or is the greater truth that for both of us the negative attitudes are just a smokescreen for the fact that we are just not attracted to the same race. It’s OK to say that, but be honest about it and stop downing a group because you prefer another and don’t want to look like a jerk.

I hate surveys and polls (even scientific ones) because *I* am. not. a. statistic. Even if every single woman on the planet said she liked Sleepless in Seattle - you would have a good idea about what most women like, but you still haven’t met me yet - and I hated it!!

In the same way, even if you dated one million horrible black men or one million terrible black women, it still doesn’t come close to touching the billions of beautiful souls all over the world who are different. Stop generalizing - even if it seems so right… They haven’t met you yet and you haven’t met them to see their unique and positive qualities.

Your dating pool is too poor… it is too small!
Comment by NeuroticMoor on 13 February 2010:

Correction: Your dating pool *ISN’T* too poor…

Also, there ARE places all over the internet where non-black men and women bash each other just as viciously as here (and every other AA site it seems… sigh.)

But since there’s not such an intense intrinsic and extrinsic social pressure for non-black races to date/marry within their own race, they don’t tend to use the racial tags in their discussions… they are just known as misogynists and feminazi’s…
Comment by Menelik Charles on 13 February 2010:

@ Love & NeuroticMoor,

keep speaking the truth guys. It’s about time some folks here told it like it is/should be!

Menelik Charles
London uk